Tuesday, April 11, 2006

KAR FAQ

Why hasn't Sisyphus posted for a while?

What are you talking about? He's as prolific as ever. Just in the past 2 days he's posted a Top 11 list and an account of his oil change survey.

No, you nitwit! I mean why hasn't he posted on KAR????

Um, I think you're confused. Sisyphus never posted on KAR. He's with the Nihilist in Golf Pants blog.

I distinctly remember him posting several items on KAR last week!!!!!!

I think you're loony. There's no Sisyphus postings here; unless they're on a Sisyphus Open Thread. Is that what you're talking about?

YEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Say, I know that you have often ripped on the Democrats' meme in the last presidential election about the Bush economy being "the worst economy since Herbert Hoover." Any more grist for that mill?

Why yes. Unemployment is at 4.7%. So far, inflation-free.

YOU SILLY WINGUT!!!! ALL THOSE SO CALLED JOBS BEING CREATED ARE ACTUALLY CRAPPY LOW PAY / LOW BENEFITS WALMART McJOBS! BOW DOWN TO MY SUPERIOR INTELLECT, WINGNUT! HA HA HA HA HA! -- A Democrat, Mars.

I'll bow down when you bend over and shove this up your smug little ass.

Say, Foot. You haven't written about antitrust law for a while. I understand that most people think it's boring, but how about throwing us FTC geekoids a bone? -- John H., Apple Valley.

I suppose. But understand, I run the risk of losing a substantial portion of my readership who would prefer I write about poop, or who are prone to hallucinating that Sisyphus writes for KAR.

A new bill has been introduced in the Senate by Herb Kohl (D-WI) and Arlen Specter (???-PA) that would bring future oil company mergers under heightened FTC scrutiny. The Bill which has been cleverly titled "NOPEC" (No Oil Producing and Exporting Cartels) provides for -

WE INTERRUPT THIS OCCASIONALLY REGULAR KAR HUMOR PIECE FOR AN EMERGENCY MORON LETTER FISKING:

("Occasionally regular?" Sounds like it's describing someone who frequently forgets to eat his oat bran. -ed.)

Katherine Kersten is worried about electoral fraud in Minnesota (Star Tribune, April 10). I'm worried about electoral fraud, too. I'm worried that what happened in Florida in 2000 and Ohio in 2004 could happen here.

What happened in Ohio in 2004? Oh, that's right: Kerry lost by 100,000 votes. Obviously there were republican backed shenanigans going on there.

BTW: I wonder who Jive Q. Turkey and Mighty Mouse voted for in that election. Both were registered to vote by ACORN - not exactly a Bush-friendly group.

In this country, our principle of criminal justice is "innocent until proven guilty." That means that we believe it is better to risk letting the guilty go free than to risk punishing the innocent.
It is better to suffer a few illegal voters than to risk any one of us being denied our right to vote.


I know that this may be hard to understand since involves thinking, and you are clearly retarded, but try and follow this:

One guy votes for candidate A. Once, as per the law (you know the one that roughly reads "one person, one vote").

A drooling asshole with high ideals and a very low IQ votes for candidate B twice. On purpose, knowingly breaking the law (and also aware that he'll never be caught since the name under which he cast his second ballot - Jive Q. Turkey - doesn't appear in the phone book.

Isn't the first voter just as disenfranchised as he would have been if he didn't get to vote at all? After all, the result is the same. His vote is cancelled out by the second voters illegal extra vote.

Tell me: how is that type of "disenfranchisement" less repugnant than the one you are rhetorically making up?

But hey, banana republics can be nice too; depending on who's doing the cheating, right?

Asshole.

BOSS TWEED, MINNEAPOLIS.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED KAR FAQ, ALREADY IN PROGRESS.

- "rule of reason" rather than the "per se" test. Therefore, Nicko McBrain could buy as much gasoline as he could handle.

I know: that was a rather detailed and intricate analysis. Hopefully I didn't lose too many people with it.

Have you ever made "beer can chicken"?

You bet I have! Just last Sunday I hoisted a 6 pound bird atop a half-full can of Michelob and rubbed it down with a new rub I'm trying out. The rub turned out to be phenomenal. Hell, it even looks good on the raw chicken (pictured at right).

I threw the impaled carcass on my Weber over indirect heat and hickory woodchips soaked in a beer/water mix, and let it smoke for about an hour and a half.

Unfortunately, an hour and fifteen minutes would have done the trick. Distraction came in the form of my 18 month old son, The Boy (AKA "The Destructor"). He distracted me from my main mission of producing a moist, juicy and attractive beer can chicken, by assaulting me with a wooden dowel. We did battle for about 20 minutes - he flailing away at my head and delivering the occasional glancing blow; I dodging and parrying with cat-like skill. The Boy's attack was finally repelled by a deft maneuver known as the "Tummy Zerbert," wherein I held my assailant upside-down by his ankles and blew on his stomach so as to to produce fart noises. The ticklishness of this strategem quickly subdued him.

With The Boy neutralized and banished to his Juvenile Containment Unit (pictured at right) I grabbed my meat thermometer, ran out to the grill, and jabbed it into the bird's thigh. The reading was on the warm side of 190 degrees - about 10 degrees above ideal. I promptly removed the chicken, replaced the grill cover and dampers and hustled it inside.

I won't go in to detail about the tricky removal of the half-full beer can from the chicken's rectal area. I'd just as soon forget about it. If I had to sum up the difficulty of hot-beer-can-removal-from-poultry-sphincter in one word, that word would be "HOLYFUCKINGSHITTHATSHOTOUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH!!!!".

But all in all, it was a fine first effort at this exotic recipe. The bird turned out attractive (see picture at left: whole chicken courtesy of me; Piece of Mind, courtesy of Iron Maiden), and not-too-overdone, though slightly dry in the white-meat areas. The skin, enhanced by the barbecue rub and hickory smoke was a flavorful orgy of crispy yumminess. I'll be doing it again soon. But I won't make the same mistake twice: next time I will immobilize The Destructor.

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