Tuesday, April 04, 2006

What if They Threw an Election and There Was Nothing But Meaningless Irrelevant Bullshit on the Ballot?

It's election day in Wisconsin!

[Here I will pause to allow all you xenophobic Minnesotans to crack your "best" attempts at a Wisconsin joke, while you conveniently forget for the moment that most of you are Scandinavians - an ethnicity whose political and culinary history makes you one of the richest and most overlooked targets for ridicule and scorn.]

Got it all out? Good. Let's continue.

Wisconsin has a long and storied tradition of holding local-level elections in April. That way, most people forget that they have to vote, so the Teamsters - who have been busily filling out ballots since January - can get their guys elected. It's kind of a ruboff from Milwaukee's proximity to Chicago.

Anyway, a couple of rather well-to-do suburbs of Beer Town (BTW Brewers won the opener! Their magic number is 161! I'm reserving my World Series tix today.) - Shorewood and Whitefolks Whitefish Bay - have a rather interesting initiative on today's ballot:

Shorewood residents will be asked whether the U.S. should set a target date of Dec. 31 for withdrawing all troops. In Whitefish Bay, residents will be asked whether the U.S. should begin withdrawing troops now and continue steadily until all troops are home.

Lessee. The President has all kinds of assets - the CIA, military intelligence the Joint Chiefs and a phalanx of advisers. But hey! That's nothing in the face of a bunch of effete rich Milwaukee suburbanites (and a few UWM students) with too much time on their hands! One could almost picture the staff meeting:

GEORGE BUSH: OK. We've got some insurgent activity (pointing to a map of Iraq) here, here here and here. The Sunnis are rattling their sabers again and that so-called "president" of theirs is nowhere to be found. What is our next course of action?

JOINT CHIEF: Well sir, the way I see it -

[An aide bursts into the briefing room, breathless. He hands Bush a piece of paper.]

AIDE: Mr. President, this just came off the wire. It's urgent!

BUSH: Thank you. (reading) Says here that a bunch of effete rich suburban Milwaukeeans with too much time on their hands think that we should set a date for withdrawal of our forces and steadily draw down our troop levels. Suggestions people?

JOINT CHIEF #2: Sounds like a good strategy to me.

JOINT CHIEF #3: Yeah - these effete rich suburban Milwaukeans with too much time on their hands must know something that we don't. Let's bring 'em home.

BUSH: Great! Then it's settled. Who's up for some bratwurst?

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