Tuesday, May 30, 2006

In Which LearnedFoot Eliminates Crime and the Need for Fuzzbusters in a Single Post

Oh the glories of an internetless weekend! I didn't even look at a computer the last three days. Well, that's not exactly true. Due to the often destructive hijinks of The Boy, I was forced to google search "first aid for chemical burns". But even that would have been unnecessary had my parents possessed the foresight to purchase various medical treatises as I have done (which is a practice I highly recommend if you have psychotic children; your library should also include some home repair guides).

In any event, nothing major to report from our exploits in Wisconsin, other than to inform you that during our travels on that state's freeways, I discovered the comprehensive solution to Minneapolis' crime problem, high gas prices and traffic congestion. Normally, a major city would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on studies, consultants and other things that I now offer for free. No need to thank me.

Most people think that the best way to deter crime is by proactive policing. That is, the city ought to flood the streets with cops so that their mere presence would discourage criminal activity or, should some criminal act occur, response times would be shortened, creating a better chance of catching the perp and removing him from circulation. The downside, of course, is that 1) cops cost money; and 2) there is a finite pool of experienced candidates to fill those positions. However, the answer to these barriers lies just across the St. Croix.

Wisconsin has tons of cops. This became evident to me while traveling on I-94, where there was a speed trap roughly every 15 feet. So you know how that goes: you're driving along at approximately 78.5 mph in the middle of a pack of 10 cars when, all of a sudden, everybody stands on their brakes to get their speed down to e x a c t l y 65. The result: gas mileage goes way down (riding the brake is horribly inefficient), and a backup forms which extends all the way back to Eau Claire. So you can see how eliminating speed traps can loosen traffic and reduce the demand on gasoline. The reduced demand for gasoline coupled with a rollback of Wisconsin's punitive draconian ass-rape-o-licious gas tax (more on that in a moment) would go a long way to reduce gas prices.

I know what you're saying: "That sounds great Foot - we have all daydreamed about some sort of fantastic utopia where speeding is encouraged and speed traps are punishable by the death penalty - but what in the f**king f**k does this have to do with deterring crime in Minneapolis, you knob?"

I'm glad you asked.

You see: if Wisconsin has so many cops that it has nothing better to do than patrol the freeways in a manner that would make Benito Mussolini proud, they obviously have enough to spare. All Mayor Ryback would have to do is place a call to his philosophical and intellectual peer in the Statehouse across the border:

RYBACK: Dude, I hear you've got a ton of cops over there. I totally need cops here. Can I, like, borrow some?

GOV. DOYLE: Sure! How many do you need?

Joila! Minneapolis gets a fresh infusion of the Boys in Blue for all its punk-beating-down needs, and Foot can drive 90 in Wisconsin without fear.

Ah, but what if that rare synapse fires in Gov. Doyle's brain that causes him to realize that he's just basically giving away Wisconsin taxpayer money with nothing to show for it?

Let us now all enjoy a good laugh! No such synapse exists. But should a successor to Doyle possess such a synapse, perhaps a cop rental program could be worked out with the City of Minneapolis. The city gets a beefed up police force at a deep discount, and the need for such high Wisconsin gas taxes to pay for all those millions and millions of WHiP cops would be mitigated. With this new revenue stream, the legislature could act lickety-split to reduce the gas tax and thus reduce the overall price of gas to the consumer. Because everybody knows that the Wisconsin legislature really really hates that anal probe of a tax. Right?

...

Right?

Again, no need to thank me.

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