Thursday, May 18, 2006

Liveblogging My Gameday Preparations

LAST UPDATE: 3:40

Most of you are probably unaware that finely-tuned athletes like myself go through a rigorous mental and physical regimen on the day of a game. I offer this liveblog as a public service to those who want to know how to become an Adonis-like Beast of Domination on the diamond.

11:45: Just finished lunch - a carbohydrate and protein-rich meal of pasta and a grilled engineer.

11:50: Weight management. Took a poop.

11:55: Still pooping.

12:00: Still pooping.

12:05: Still pooping.

12:10: Done pooping. Time for some intel. Surf over to opponent's blog to guage his state of mind. He's desperate. I taunt him for good measure.

12:15: Keeeeeee-viiiiin...Keeeeeeee-viiiiiiiin...

12:20: Mental prep - Research the following hypothetical: Would it be moral to slide spikes up if Kevin is covering the base?

12:21: Conclusion: yes.

12:22: Dismiss the foregoing hypothetical and conclusion as moot, because of serious doubts that Kevin will ever be in a proper position to make a play on me, and likelihood that all of my triples will be of the "stand-up" variety.

12:23: Just firmed up a bet with Kevie - loser buys winner a six pack of beer. Anyone familiar with success rate of sports wagers involving beer knows that Kevie has just sealed his doom.

12:30: Break. Time to relax with a little Herb Alpert!

12:33: Scouting: Currently trying to acquire game film from Team Kevie's last game.

12:34: Decide that breaking down the film really isn't all that important since Kevies team lost their last game by a score of 12 to 1 against a team we had beaten by 10 the previous week.

12:36: Physical prep: just did a stomach crunch!

1:00: Motivation: Reading Strib letters. This one gets me fired up:

On May 19 "The Da Vinci Code" will open. Many Christians have cried foul over the movie, as well as the book, which I have not read.

However, in this country, we have the right to question our social and religious structures. This right is guaranteed by the First Amendment.

Even though I am a Christian, I plan to see the film -- not because I believe in what its message might be but because I have the right to do so.

WILLIAM SELF-IMPORTANTBITCH, SOUTH ST. PAUL.

I look forward to William's followup letter bloviating about whether he chose to purchase the $12 bucket o' popcorn or the $8 box o' Jujubeez to ingest during he movie. Or perhaps he won't by invoking his privacy rights under the substantive due process doctrine of the 14th amendment.

Did I miss something? Was there actually some threat by the government to censor this movie?

MOONBAT INTERRUPTS: I'll bet that theocrat Chimpee McBushitler wanted to -

LEARNEDFOOT'S SHOT GUN: KER-BLAMO!!!!!!!

MOONBAT'S HEADLESS BODY: *Plop*

I am getting sick and tired of all these intellectual poseurs invoking constitutional law where it is irrelevant. Ron Howard releases a movie. Some Christians think it's blasphemous. Some see the movie. Others don't.

Where is the state action in this?

I can just imagine what typical small-talk conversation with William might be like:

BIFF: Nice weather, huh?

WILLIAM: While I disagree with you - it's a tad breezy, and the UV index is a little high for my tastes - you certainly have a First Amendment right to opine on the current conditions.

BIFF: I'm going to punch you now.

Did I mention that this banal crap somehow merited the Strib's prized honor of "Letter of the Day"?

1:05: ME WANT TO SMASH SOMETHING!!!

1:07: I hope I can hold this fire until game time.

1:55: AFTERNOON WORKOUT. I start as always by blasting my quads.

2:00: Now I'm flaming my lats.

2:05: Working my traps.

2:07: I finish up with pinching my glutes, pulling my groins, pimping my rides, and popping my tylenol. Good workout.

3:00: STRATEGERIZING - Kevie may be pitching tonight. Given the restrictions placed on me by the One Home Run rule, should I call my shot to left or to right? I am concerned that if I call it to right - the opposite field - such an ostentatious display of power might be perceived as a classless act of showing Kevie up.

3:15: just met with my trainer. He gave me some dietary supplements and some "organic" topical cream which I took and rubbed on my body.

3:16: Whoa! I just got buffer.

3:17: Why do I feel so angry?

3:18: Zits are breaking out on my chest.

3:20: AHHHHH!!!! I just grew another penis!

3:40: My extra penis just fell off. This liveblog is over.

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