Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Return of OPG


Our old pal Obnoxious Packer Guy (OPG) is back at it again. He is currently at Clark Hinkle Field - the Packers' outdoor practice facility, planning to pull some harebrained stunt. Because we refuse to give OPG publishing rights to this blog, I have agreed to post his e-mails to me as a sort of ersatz liveblog of his exploits. All comments below are his unless otherwise indicated.

FURTHER NOTE: It occurs to me that this is one of those liveblogs that would have a better impact if read while listening to a little Herb Alpert.

8:00am - I am camped out at the entrance here at Clark Hinkle Field. Practice doesn't start until around 11:00, so I'm biding my time with some cold brewskis. I am looking forward to sending a message to not only the Packers' front office, but also to the management of the other NFL franchises and, indeed, the nation. I have alerted the media to my plans. I hope they show up.

More later.

8:30 - It's a beautiful day for training camp. The beer is going down well (does it ever not?). It is a fabulous day to...


More later.

9:15 - Out of beer.

9:30 - Just returned from the liquor store to grab a fresh case. I also have finalized the remarks I plan on making to the press, which are now memorialized on a cocktail napkin from the Stadium View. Less than 2 hours to showtime.

More later.

10:15 - Bubba Franks just walked by. I gave him the ole fist-in-the-air "Black Power" salute. He ignored me and kept on walking. Man, I love that guy's focus! I can't wait to be his teammate.

Oops, I may have said too much. More later.

11:00 - I see head coach Mike McCarthy. IT'S GO TIME!

11:10 - I have just demanded that McCarthy put me on the Packers' roster. He laughed and kept on walking. I insisted I was serious. You know what he said? He told me: "We don't allow disruptive, fat, out-of-shape middle-aged drunkards who have never played a snap in their lives on this team. We're in the business of playing winning football. We are not some make-work program. It's a personnel policy; nothing personal."

How rude! Expected, but rude.

It's time to talk to the press.

11:30 - The press turnout is fantastic. All the local affiliates are here, as well as the Big Three nets, CNN, Fox, ESPN and the NFL network. It's amazing how easy it is to suck some folks in with a simple-minded, attention-whoring, grandstanding and eminently ineffectual gimmick!

1:00 - Terribly sorry for the delay. But now that the booking process is over (and the Brown County Jail has WiFi!) I can relate to you the rest of my crusade. This is the prepared statement I delivered to the press:

"I have just completed my application to play for the Green Bay Packers Football Club. As was expected, they rejected my application out-of-hand. I didn't come here to actually contribute to this great organization. I came here to make a point. And to get on TV without having to go shirtless in sub-zero weather.

"My point is that there is a deep, insidious bigotry in the NFL. For all professional football teams have in place a policy of discrimination against the obese, the habitual drunkard, the unathletic and the uncoordinated. Millions are denied the opportunity to pursue their dreams of NFL stardom because of the way they were born.

"And who's to say we can't play with the current stars of the game. Among those of us in the Footbally Challenged community, are prospects like me who are fiercely loyal, and who have an ecyclopedic knowledge of team history. You know who the Packers picked in the first round of the 1967 draft? Bob Hyland and Don Horn, that's who. Do you think Al Harris or Ahman Green know that? I think not!

"It's because nowadays the NFL is a league of itinerant gladiators, money grubbers and crybabies. For every Brett Favre (may peace be upon Him) you've got three Javon Walkers or Darren Sharpers! But when someone truly loyal like me or the millions of others like me comes around, they are kept out by a hateful and discriminatory policy.

"Well no more! I will not acknowledge this unjust personnel policy! You will see me on that field eventually if I have to take the entire NFL down to do it!"

That's as far as I got before I was arrested.

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: I have really got to stop giving the nutjob a forum. Ah well, his spittleflecking grandstanding is amusing, if completely devoid of substance.

At least he got on TV.

This liveblog is over.

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