Monday, June 12, 2006

Time to Put Old Scout Down

Consider yourselves lucky, oh you who reside outside Minnesota. While the rest of America merely suffers from the collaborative effort by Robert Altman and Garrison Keillor to make Ambien obsolete, we here have to put up with the incessant low-toned whine of Keillor's brain droolings on a weekly basis.

You thought "Prairie Home Companion" was bad. Well the Strib runs a column by Keillor every Sunday. It's usually quite bad. Really bad (temp link). Think: Maureen Dowd with too much self self-esteem and twice as much willful ignorance bad. At least Dowd has the redeeming quality of having tits. No word if they are "angel tits," however.

I see by the papers that the Republicans want to make an issue of Nancy Pelosi in the congressional races this fall: Would you want a San Francisco woman to be Speaker of the House? Will the podium be repainted in lavender stripes with a disco ball overhead? Will she be borne into the chamber by male dancers with glistening torsos and wearing pink tutus? After all, in the unique worldview of old elephants, San Francisco is a code word for g-a-y, and after assembling a record of government lies, incompetence and disaster, the party in power hopes that the fear of g-a-y-s will pull it through in November.

No. The Republicans want to make Pelosi the poster child for the dems because a) she stands to be Speaker of the House if the Dems take control and b) Pelosi is not a code word for g-a-y; it's a code for b-a-t-s-h-i-t-l-o-o-n-e-y-t-o-o-n-l-e-f-t-w-i-n-g-s-o-c-i-a-l-i-s-t-w-h-o-'s-i-d-e-a-o-f-f-i-g-h-t-i-n-g-t-e-r-o-r-i-s-t-s-i-s-t-a-k-i-n-g-t-h-e-m-o-u-t-f-o-r-a-s-o-y-l-a-t-t-e.

And San Francisco is code for (I'm going to eschew the hyphens here because that took way to long to type) "brain dead public policy." If you had actually read "the papers" rather than merely establishing your bona fides by saying that you'd read them, you probably would have figured that out.

But feel free, Garri, to indulge whatever cartoonish stereotypes (as for those, we're just getting started, as you'll see) your twerpy cornpone-addled "brain" devises.

Running against Nancy Pelosi, a woman who comes from a district where there are known gay persons, is a nice trick,

Uh, no. She's the minority leader. Just like the Dems are going to put a Tom Delay mask on every republican they run against.

Nice trick running against Tom Delay. Tom Delay's from Texas. And there are macho cowboys in Texas who own guns!

Hey, this is easy! Can I get a taxpayer subsidy to start my own radio show too?

but it does draw attention to the large shambling galoot who is Speaker now, Tom DeLay's enabler for years, a man who, judging by his public mutterances, is about as smart as most high school wrestling coaches.


Hastert? He was a high school history teacher with a masters in Education, y'know? Public school, even. I suppose your reverence for that noble profession extends only to those who drink provide your kool aid.

Oh, but your B.A. in English is much more impressive.

For the past year, Dennis Hastert has been two heartbeats from the presidency. He is a man who seems content just to have a car and driver and three square meals a day. He has no apparent vision beyond the urge to hang onto power. He has succeeded in turning Congress into a branch of the executive branch. If Mr. Hastert becomes the poster boy for the Republican Party, this does not speak well for them as the Party of Ideas.

Her's a thought: you can be much more persuasive if you actually back up your bald assertions with facts. I mean, I could sit here and call you a simple-minded, kool aid drinking party hack bigot, but that would have absolutely no impact unless I provided some examples of the behavior I am describing.

Fortunately, you made it easy for me by providing this column.

People who want to take a swing at San Francisco should think twice. Yes, the Irish coffee at Fisherman's Wharf is overpriced,

The coffee? You should see the parking! $17 an hour in most ramps along the Embarcadero!

and the bus tour of Haight-Ashbury is disappointing (where are the hippies?), but the Bay Area is the cradle of the computer and software industry, which continues to create jobs for our children.

Blah blah blah. And most of the rocket scientists are in Alabama, Houston or Florida. And let's not forget the high tech incubator known as the Research Triangle located in (gasp) North Carolina. Your point is?

The iPod was not developed by Baptists in Waco.

And the automobile wasn't invented by patchouli wearing moonbats from Berkeley.

There may be a reason for this. Creative people thrive in a climate of openness and tolerance, since some great ideas start out sounding ridiculous. Creativity is a key to economic progress. Authoritarianism is stifling. I don't believe that Mr. Hewlett and Mr. Packard were gay, but what's important is: In San Francisco, it doesn't matter so much.

I think I'm going to be ill.

When the cultural Sturmbannfuhrers try to marshal everyone into straight lines, it has consequences for the economic future of this country.

I was wondering how long it would take for Karl Marx here to come up with a Nazi reference.

Remember: this guy is a revered man of letters.

I'm going to skip the next graf because it's the same old "the president is a moron" crap that's been written a thousand times before by people who tend to confuse "good public speaker" with "intelligence," thereby revealing their own.

You might not have always liked Republicans, but you could count on them to manage the bank. They might be lousy tippers,

OK this is only anecdotal evidence, but since that's all that this pugshit offers - when he bothers to offer any at all - I'm comfortable with it.

In my vast experience of eating out with members of all political persuasions, without fail, I have yet to see a liberal tip more than 15% (my wife and I average about 20%). In fact, there has been more than one occasion where we had to augment a liberal's tip (in one instance, we're talking 5% - and the service was good!) to avoid embarrassment, and to give the waitress what she deserved.

I'm sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable. If that's the case, please return to whichever "reality"-based planet you came from, and stop bothering those of us who were unable to obtain a taxpayer subsidy to jump-start our careers.

act snooty, talk through their noses,

Excuse me? Garrison? Earth to Garrison: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD YOURSELF SPEAK?

wear spats and splash mud on you as they race their Pierce-Arrows through the village, but you knew they could do the math.

What the hell are "spats"?

As long as we're painting stupid ill-informed caricatures, why don't we do a quick profile on Keillor's "Prairie Home" fans:

People who listen to NPR...

...on Saturday nights.

To see them produce a ninny and then follow him loyally into the swamp for five years is disconcerting, like seeing the Rolling Stones take up lite jazz. So here we are at an uneasy point in our history, mired in a costly war and getting nowhere, a supine Congress granting absolute power to a president who seems to get smaller and dimmer, and the best the Republicans can offer is San Franciscophobia? This is beyond pitiful. This is violently stupid.

You're right: this is violently stupid. And terribly unoriginal. There's got to be some sort of gentleman's plagiarism agreement among lefty columnists because they all say the exact same thing in the exact same way.

And again with the willful ignorance: it's not San Franciscopobia. It's Droolingmoonbatasspeakerofthehousephobia.

It is painful to look at your father and realize the old man should not be allowed to manage his own money anymore. This is the discovery the country has made about the party in power. They are inept. The checkbook needs to be taken away. They will rant, they will screech, they will wave their canes at you and call you all sorts of names, but you have to do what you have to do.

Who's screeching and ranting, again?

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