Monday, July 24, 2006

CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS

A grave crisis has engulfed us. We are rudderless. There is a gaping vacuum where our leader used to be.

It is time to consider impeachment.

No, I'm not talking about this. What I have in mind is far far more important than the quixotic fantasies of a bunch of bitter circle-jerking losers.

Feverishly working overtime to research the matter, the crack KAR legal team has discovered that our own fearless leader, Mayor Bogus Doug, is in continuing violation of his constitutionally prescribed requirements. To wit, Article II, Section 2, par. 1 of the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers Constitution provides (emphasis mine):

1. QUALIFICATION FOR OFFICE. The Esteemed Mayor shall be an active MOB member in good standing...

The KAR Legal Research team has determined - and I have concurred - that Mayor Doug is in ongoing violation of the "activeness" requirement for holding office. Nearly one month ago he flagrantly declared his intention to flout the MOB Constitution by posting the following:

I Quit.

Since that time, he has published only four other posts, half of which had something to do with his continuing desire to "quit". And his one post on another blog - a blog which by its very nature has a set expiration date in early November - does not save his status as inactive under the MOB Constitution, in the opinion of the KAR legal team.

It gets worse.

The Framers in their infinite foresight, drafted an Impeachment Clause into the MOB Constitution for crises just like this. The MOB Constitution Art VI, Sections - oh, let's say "7 to 9" - provide:

SECTION 7: In matters where the Mayor in found unable or unfit to execute his duties, or if a latent violation of the prescribed qualifications for the office is discovered after the Mayor has been duly ensconced, the electors may impeach him by a simple majority vote to be taken in a flippant manner on an acerbic and inconsequential, but widely-read, Member Blog.

SECTION 8: The qualified electors, a simple majority of votes cast having been duly tabulated in the affirmative on the question of impeachment, shall gather at one of the regularly scheduled semiannual MOB parties as required by Article I, Section 5 of this Constitution to deliberate, debate and ultimately vote on the the removal of the impeached Mayor from office. In no event shall a Mayor be removed from office except on a two-thirds vote by the electors in the affirmative on the question.

SECTION 9: It shall not be considered a crime or misdemeanor for the Mayor to attempt to influence the electors voting on an impeachment question by plying them with free drinks. In fact, it is the position of the Framers of this Constitution that libertine Mayoral drink bribery be encouraged.

It pains me to do this, but to preserve this Organization and its Constitution, I see no alternative.

To make it official, here's an official sounding resolution:

WHEREAS: Bogus Doug is the duly elected Mayor of the MOB; and

WHEREAS: An essential duty of the Mayor in the execution of his office, is to uphold and observe all of the MOB Constitution's prescriptions and proscriptions; and

WHEREAS: Bogus Doug's blog inactivity has violated a Constitutional requirement of his office; and

WHEREAS: KAR is an acerbic and irrelevant but - as a matter of degree - widely-read member blog;

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that the qualified electors (i.e. anyone who decides to vote) shall vote in an election to appear atop KAR's sidebar through the morning of Friday, July 28th, the Year of Our Lord 2006; the question of such election to be "Shall mayor Bogus Doug be impeached?"; one vote per computer per day; yada yada.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that should a simple majority of votes tabulated be in the affirmative on the question of impeachment, all qualified electors shall meet at the upcoming MOB Convention sometime in (I'm guessing) August to debate, deliberate and ultimately vote on the removal of Mayor Bogus Doug from office. Should a two-thirds majority of those casting votes vote in the affirmative on the question, Bogus Doug shall be removed from office.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that Bogus Doug should be aware that LearnedFoot will likely be drinking Smithwick's or Samuel Adams at the party.

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