Monday, July 10, 2006

MilF Math

Now that my Keith Richards-like blood transplant (that's not a malaprop) has taken, I am coherent enough to breakdown last Friday's 2nd annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KAR-Nation Open championship Charity Golf Outing Classic.

In a Harper's Index format:

Winning Score: 89, carded by Team Comment Troll (Nathan Bissonette, Rick Unpronouncablesurname and Mike Gehrity)

Worst score: Infinity (carded by Team Bogus Yost).

Team Kool Aid in Golf Pants' score: 90 (2nd place)

Amount of time LearnedFoot and Nihilist conferred trying to come up with a convincing way to alter the final scorecards in a convincing enough manner to make it look as though they had won: 10 minutes.

Magnitude of Team Kool Aid in Golf Pants' back nine meltdown: Mickelsonian.

Number of times Nihilist in Golf Pants used the phrase "I hate that f**ker!": 28

Number of Nihilist's Hated F**kers who were in the group behind us: 3

Number of times those f**kers hit into us: 2

Number of times Mark Yost referred to Brooklyn: Infinity

Number of times The Nihilist honestly thought that Andy Aplicowski was a fat chick: 1

Percentage of time that Team Surly Residual Forces of the Night spent looking for their balls rather than golfing: 25%

Percentage of time that team spent looking for their golf balls: 50%

Average length of Bogus Doug's tee shots on the front nine: 10 feet

Average length of Bogus Doug's tee shots on the back nine, earning him the title of "Most Improved Player": 25 feet

POST MILF:

Number of sausages consumed: 20

Number of beers consumed: 65

Average length of the two "Tongues of fire" (here is a photo of the dramatic recreation of the TOF, staged by the AVPD's Incredibly Stupid Crimes Unit during their investigation) : 4 feet

Number of digits blown off: 0

Total attendance: 16

Total attendance of a notable competing Friday night social event: "a bit light".

Amount raised for Soldiers' Angels: $125

Odds that the Nihilist and Andy will actually deliver the cash to its intended recipient: 1 in 3.

==============

For more MilF coverage:

A triumphant posting from a member of the winning team.

Night Writer's spin.

Yost takes my partner to the woodshed.

Surly Dave once again misleads his readers about my competence (Bill's tongue of fire was the one that went horribly awry - mine was almost perfect).

Andy doing what he does best: being a prick.

The 3rd annual Milf is less than 365 days away. You all need to get some range time in. Except for Gehrity. He just needs to stop the DWC (drinking while commenting).

Mad props to everyone who participated, and big thanks to everyone who donated cash to a worthy cause.

See you next year. The hype for MilF 3 should begin in a month or so. It will be bigger and more psychotic than ever.

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