Friday, July 28, 2006

Moron Mail, or Stone Temple Pilots Song?

Yes! It's time once again to play the blogosphere's most popular Letter to the Editor / Alt Rock game: MORON MAIL or STONE TEMPLE PILOTS SONG?!!!!

[Wild applause]

And here to explain the rules of MMoSTPS is our cohost, Dementee!

[Wild applause]

DEMENTEE: THANK FOOT!!!!!! HERE HOW IT WORK: WE GIVE YOU THREE EXCERPTS!!!!! TWO EXCERPTS ARE LYRIC FROM STONE TEMPLE PILOTS SONG!!!!! ONE IS FROM ACTUAL LETTER TO EDITOR RECENTLY PUBLISHED IN STRIB!!!!! CONTESTANT MUST PENETRATE FARCICALLY NONSENSICAL SENTENCE AND PARAGRAPH TO DETERMINE WHICH ONE IS MOONBAT LETTER!!!!!!

Thanks Dementee! And what is our prize today?

DEMENTEE: NOTHING!!!!!

[Wild applause]

DEMENTEE: ONE MORE THING FOOT!!!! TODAY'S EDITION OF MMoSTPS SPONSORED BY KAR-THONGS!!!!!! IF YOU WANT TO GET A LITTLE FREAKY, DON A KAR THONG AND SHOW SOME CHEEKY!!!! KAR THONG - ACCEPT NO IMITATION!!!!! BACK TO YOU FOOT!!!!!

[Wild applause]

OK, remember: only one of these is an actual letter to the Strib. The other two are merely bizarre Stone Temple Pilots lyrics.

Ready? Here we go. Is the Strib letter this one:

1) I got a picture of a photograph of a wedding and a shell. Its just a burning aching memory; I never kiss and tell.

So turn it up and burn it - there's a hole in your head, there's a hole in your head where the birds cant sing along. Does anybody know how the story really goes, or should we all just hum along?

Sell your soul and sign an autograph. Big bang baby, its a crash, crash, crash. I wanna die but I gotta laugh. Orange crush mama is a laugh, laugh, laugh.

SCOTT WEILAND, WAYZATA

...or is it this one:

2) Falling downward with a flaming hand, I knew the questions but I lost the answers. I'll hold the world for all. I'll hold it for all, as long as no one asks no questions.

I got the message, and the message stood.

One, two, three, I got another, got another. One, two, three, I got another, got another. I got another hit that held me the last time. Don't ya know what I mean boys? One, two, three, I got another, got another.

Falling fast but doing all I can. I know the questions but I lost the answers. I got the message, and the message stood. Lease the one who makes it. Profit from the riddle. Kill the one that breaks it. Always in the middle. Keep the dream alive. With sleeping pills you shouldn't fiddle.

SCOTT WEILAND, HOPKINS

...or is it Number 3:

3) A little diplomacy might help the situation in the Middle East. Unfortunately, the position of the current State Department seems to be "You have no right to do whatever you want, only we can," so they either can't say anything (Israel), or they make an in-your-face, international rebuke (public humiliation has always made me feel better; gee, why wouldn't it work for Hezbollah, Syria, Iran, Iraq or Korea?).

I guess it's not the State Department's fault. They're in over their heads. Who hired those guys, anyway? Oh, yeah. Well, it's not his fault; he's in over his head. Who elected him, anyway?

SCOTT WEILAND, MINNEAPOLIS

[Hushed silence. Cue Jeopardy tune.]

Ready? Go!

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