LEARNEDFOOT: I've called you all here today to discuss a startling new revelation that I read about in the paper this morning. You all have been invited to this Summit because represent the very best of Minnesota's center-right bloggers. Unfortunately, it seems, being the best isn't enough. Apparently we're deficient.
FLASH: I'm a centrist.
LF: Yes yes. You keep telling us that. We just invited you because we needed someone to supply the beer. Thanks for the Icehouse, by the way.
FLASH: You're welcome. I'm a centrist.
LF: Anyway, I'd like to draw your attention to an article in today's Strib -
[Loud boos engulf the room]
LF: [After booing stops] - which reads in relevant part [reading]:
Today, progressive bloggers appear to be the frontrunners. While conservative bloggers focused their strategy on developing uniform messaging and targeted a demographic they understood well for many years, most of the progressive sites coalesced from various activist and interest groups that had been looking for similar communities.
CHAD: That's despicable!
Mitch: I agree -
CHAD: Not one word about hockey.
FLASH: I'm a centrist!
MITCH: Well, the problem I see is that the MOB is apparently failing the national effort since we have not yet - what did it say? - "developed a uniform message".
LF: Precisely! We need to put our heads together and come up with -
SWIFTEE: Dude, you're so GAY! I'm watching you Focker...
LF: ...a uniform message so that we can be in step with our conserv-o-blogging brethren outside of Minnesota. Any ideas?
SISYPHUS: I have 11 ideas. Number 11: We're nobody's monkeys; Number 10 - Because "Pelosi" is Italian for "Mussolini" -
NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS: We don't have time for this -
SIS: You're just jealous because my good friends at the Corner always links to my posts, while yours are universally ignored.
[They pull guns on each other]
MITCH: Hey now! Take it easy guys!... Hey Sis, is that a Glock?
SIS: Damn straight yo'. Its got a pearl-inlaid handle.
LF: Calm down everybody. Let's work the problem here. According to that Strib piece, the "progressive" [stifles a laugh] writers [stifles another laugh] are eating our lunches. We need to synch up with what's purportedly going on in the rest of the country and coordinate a single, unified message. I need some suggestions as to what that message should be.
ANDY: I have an idea.
ANDY: How about: "Wood yoo radder haf tacks cudders runn da cuntree; ore doo yoo wan teh cutn runnres rahnninl teh cuntree?"
MITCH: You talk like that too?
ANDY: I kant take teh abyoos anee more! Maybee ill jus kwit blogging! [Andy storms out of room]
LF: Well, this is going well.
MITCH: Why don't we just do a spitballing session? Everybody: just shout out what comes to mind. Ready? Go.
SWIFTEE: Chad's gay!
FLASH: I'm a centrist!
SWIFTEE: Flash is gay!
SIS: I like art!
SWIFTEE: Art is gay!
CHAD: Uh... HOCKEY!
SWIFTEE: Hockey is -
LF: STOP!!!! This is getting us nowhere. We haven't heard from Doug yet. Do you have anything, Doug?
LF: Anything, Doug?
LF: Earth to Doug?
MITCH: I think he quit blogging or something.
LF: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. This meeting has been a miserable failure.
MITCH: I blame the RNC and Hugh Hewitt for not sending us the memo that we were supposed to be "developing a unified message." Maybe it was not to be. I mean, with a roomful of like-minded folks like ourselves, we still can't come up with - much less agree on - some uniform message. Maybe it's not going on on the national level either. Perhaps it's not as simplistic as a couple of free-range alpaca clad prematurely gray DFL consultants would lead us to believe.
[Everybody nods in agreement]
SIS: Hey! I've got a great idea for a uniform message that we can all agree on.
LF: What's that?
SIS: CHEDDAR SUCKS!
[Sis and LF pull guns on each other]
LF: This meeting is adjourned, bitch!