Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Kerry "wows" 'em in Iowa

Based on this photograph, John Fing Kerry may have to bring in dancing girls if he wants to draw a crowd.Not only did very few people show up for the mesmerizing junior senator from Massachusetts, an unnamed source tells me those who did make it were driven there in busses and, as the photo clearly shows, were physically unable to leave on their own.Simply put, the poor old folks were trapped and forced to listen to John Fing Kerry drone on about whatever the hell he’s droning about today. By the end of his speech many members of the audience were seen to be sleeping with drool on their chins and sporting maxed-out Depends.

Statistically speaking, a full 63% of those in attendance won’t live long enough to vote in 2008, but that didn’t stop them from foregoing the buffet at the local casino for the wilted veggie tray at the “Kerry for Nothing” Firm rally. The wilted veggies are suspected to be a primary cause for the full Depends.

During the much anticipated Q&A session, one audience member woke up long enough to ask Kerry why he thinks he can win the nomination after his Hindenberg-like run in 2004.

In true Kerry fashion his answer was nuanced without committing to an answer, except to say he intended to put greater emphasis on his tour in Vietnam and his three Purple Hearts, “I may even show you the scars.” he teased.

Saying that his four long months in country are experience enough for running the entire armed forces, Kerry told the assembled aged ones that he regrets listening to his advisors and rarely mentioning his service during his 2004 campaign.

“It really is a shame that I didn’t have the opportunity to discuss my heroics. My time in ‘Nam was important to my development as a human being and I whish I had talked more about it. If I run in 2008, I guaran-dam-tee you it’ll be all ‘Nam all the time.” Kerry added.

Kerry then turned and, motioning to the group assembled behind him asked, “Have any of you met my band of brothers?”

Kerry’s address was cut short when Herman Wallenschnagel clutched his chest and collapsed to the ground saying, “Please, not this stiff again.”

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