Monday, August 14, 2006

Let's Get Syl-ly

Syl Jones' latest bitterness puts me in the uncomfortable position of having to defend the fluffily trite fad of celebrity fantasy leagues:

At first glance it seems innocent enough. A group of 30-something women -- originally a book club -- abandons its discussion of literature to pursue a fantasy celebrity league that competes over the number of times their Hollywood stars' faces show up in the gossip rag US Weekly. The participants in this remarkable rite of passage are prominently depicted in this newspaper, ("Star Trackers," July 31) no doubt spawning dozens of similar leagues by breathless, bored women looking for yet another addiction.

Um, or maybe it's just a fun pastime...

For them, I mean. Personally I can't stand all those crappy magazines shouting from the newsstand about how they have the latest poop on Bennifer, or whatever. But then I also find Bridge, tennis, knitting, cabinetmaking, listening to Bruce Springsteen, soccer, hearing about other people's children, Backgammon, photography, amateur cartography, flash mobbing, state fairs, zombie dancing, dada art, and snooker irredeemably boring. But, to each his own...

To be fair, fantasy sports leagues -- equally vapid enterprises -- have been in vogue now for years, giving alpha males yet another outlet for their carnivorous passions.

OPG INTERRUPTS: (shrieking) WHAT???!!! WHAT???!!!! FANTASY FOOTBALL IS "VAPID"???!!! Take it back now, scum! Take it back RIGHT FRIGGING NOW!!!!! I HOPE YOU -

(LearnedFoot shoots OPG with a tranquilizer dart.)

I'll take this one, OPG.

Perhaps Syl would like to share with us his non-"vapid" hobbies, larks, or recreational pursuits. What does Syl do for fun? Does Syl ever have fun?

If you are familiar with Syl's work, you already know the answers to those questions: 1) Constantly thinking about how whitey sucks; and 2) no.

But if you substitute "celebrity fantasy" for "psychedelic drugs," you've got a pretty good idea of what your friends and neighbors are up to in their free time. Both drugs and fantasy leagues are addictive and insidious pastimes and, in any other era of American history, we'd call the fantasy/celebrity obsession what it is: decadent. But few dare use such words because they tend to place the speaker on the proverbial "high horse," presumably to be knocked off by a jeering public.

OK, so if games like these - and really that's all they are: games - are decadent, then so is everything else that an individual might do outside of supporting one's family and constantly thinking about race relations.

Jeer if you want, but I am ashamed to inhabit the same city as these women and their ilk --

Syl, I'm sure the feeling's more than -

Sorry. I won't write that. Way too easy.

the simple-minded rabble who breathlessly await photos of Tom and Katie's baby as if the child were the Messiah. That goes double for those who squander their precious time and resources playing celebrity games while Western civilization crumbles from within.

And there you have it. nobody should do anything they find remotely amusing until they have spent a sufficient amount of time brooding over all the problems plaguing the human condition.

Let's take Syl's advice. I find blogging Thunderjournaling to be a stimulating pastime. However, since there is racism in America, I shall stop blogging thunderjournaling until I solve it.

And you should too.

Hey! You over there! Stop having fun!


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