Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Transcript of LearnedFoot Press Conference 8/16/06

KAR SPOKESMAN: Welcome members of the press. LearnedFoot will be out to speak to you in one moment. But first, as is our new practice, I shall start this presser with a poem.

Oh pointy bird
Oh, pointy pointy:
Anoint my head.
Anointy 'nointy.

And now without any further ado, Mr. Foot.

[Polite applause. Flashbulbs go off.]

LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you. Thank you all for coming out today. I have a prepared statement to make, and then I will take a few questions.

[Dramatic pause.]

LEARNEDFOOT: I'm here to announce today that I like tacos. I find them to be a refreshing and satisfying repast that pairs well with just about any beer. Now with that out of the way, I will take some of your questions on the topic of tacos.

[Stunned silence]

LEARNEDFOOT: Questions? Anyone?... Yes. You in the back.

REPORTER #1: That's it?

LEARNEDFOOT: Yes. Next question. You there.

REPORTER #2: No, seriously - you called us out here to tell us you like tacos?

LEARNEDFOOT: Why yes, yes I did.

REPORTER #2: I have a followup...

LEARNEDFOOT: Shoot.

REPORTER #2: What the f**king f**ck?!!!!

LEARNEDFOOT: I don't know why you're dismayed. I have this press conference every week. Frankly, I'm a little shocked that you all showed up. Usually I'm just talking to a wall or Dementee. Any other questions?

REPORTER#3: Is there any truth to the rumor that this whole thing was a stunt to parody the breathless wishful-thinking report by a local television news outlet about a routine Brett Favre press conference that subsequently swept the internet causing many to speculate that Favre was going to announce his retirement?

LEARNEDFOOT: I can neither confirm or deny that. Yes, you there?

HELEN THOMAS: Meh meh meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh! Bleorg! Isn't it true that you hate who you're told to hate, and that you link to Swiftee, and doesn't that make you a jerk?

LEARNEDFOOT: This press conference is over!

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