Friday, September 29, 2006

Meet the Candidates.

UPDATED!!!!! TWICE!!! THRICE!!! QUAD..uh.. FOUR!!!

Below is the slate of the candidates for MOB mayor that have thus far been nominated. The period to declare one's candidacy or nominate the unwilling ends today at 4pm. I have not yet received word from the incumbent on his intentions for running for reelection. Any new nominations will be updated to this post.

As an added bonus, I have taken the liberty of handicapping the candidates in case anyone would like to place bets on the mayoral race.

Joe Tucci. Joe Tucci is a rookie MOBster who blogs occasionally at Residjewal Froces. And while his blogging chops and faux political skills are both questionable, he is good at intimidating people into bending to his will. Always a threat in every sense of the word.

UPSIDE: He's got the Italian-American vote in his pocket.

DOWNSIDE: There are like 4 Italian-Americans in the entire state of Minnesota. Also, He's a Peter Cetera fan.

ODDS: 4 to 1

***

Andy Aplikowski. The primary blogger at the aforementioned Resijawall Fcroes and contributor to KvM, Andy is a veteran political hack who has quite a bit of game when it comes to campaigning. Andy was also voted the MOBs Most Eligible Bachelor in the only legitimate poll regarding that title.

UPSIDE: Knows how to get his message out to the masses.

DOWNSIDE: Nobody can read his messages once they receive them.

ODDS: 3 to 1

***

Tom "Swiftee" Swift. Swift appears to be the early favorite, having been nominated by four different people (including himself). Strong grassroots support probably stems from his refusal to suffer fools gladly in a state where the local left-wing blogosphere is stacked with them (as we have seen lately). Supporters see him as a breath of fresh air after nearly a year of Bogus Doug's supine, passive, do-nothing policies on leftybloggers who step out of line.

UPSIDE: Very strong on the war against douchebag leftybloggers.

DOWNSIDE: May spontaneously combust before election.

ODDS: EVEN

***

Bobo the Foul-Mouthed Chimp. I nominated Bobo because I believe the MOB is ready for its first potty-mouthed ambiguously gay monkey mayor. If nothing else, the mayoral proclamations will be a hoot.

UPSIDE: He's a freakin' monkey, man!

DOWNSIDE: Sometime's his speech is garbled and hard to understand.

ODDS: 2 to 1

***

Leo "Psycmeister" Pusateri. Self-nominated, Leo doesn't really stand a chance in hell of winning this thing. However, if Tucci and Aplikowski split the Residyool Froces vote, Bobo and Swiftee split the People Who Like Swear Words vote, and Bobo, Tucci and Swiftee split the Guys with Hairy Backs vote, Pusatelli has an outside chance, provided he doesn't split the votes of this state's 4 Italian-Americans with Tucci.

UPSIDE: As a shrink and school counselor, Pusatelli has a lock on the Sensitive New Age Guys and Soccer Moms bloc.

DOWNSIDE: None of those people read KAR.

ODDS: 65,591 to 1.

***

Debates will begin next week, probably in the form of a semi-open thread. Until then, candidates may feel free to start attacking each other here or on their own blogs.

UPDATE: Mitch writes in to nominate Cathy (in the Wright). Unfortunately, I cannot accept this nomination since Cathy, and all her fellow members of the MAWB Squad, are disqualified from assuming the office of Mayor in perpetuity because of their brazen attempt to hijack the last mayoral election.

So in her stead, Mitch Berg will be placed on the ballot.


UPDATE 2: The Assman throws his thong into the ring:

Ryan Rhodes. This guy could be the dark horse. Hailing from the outstate hamlet of Rochester, few MOB electors have actually met him. This can only help his chances.

UPSIDE: He talks about his ass a lot.

DOWNSIDE: He talks about what comes out of his ass a lot.

BACKSIDE: (Here.)

ODDS: 5 to 1


UPDATE 3: What this campaign needs is more non-ass-related mirth: I nominate Sisyphus.

UPDATE 4: Sadly, the campaign has already gone negative.

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