Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Moron Mail

The Milwaukee Brewers faced high expectations this year. The team featured an exciting crop of top-prospect rookies along with a potentially dominating pitching rotation.

But then something went horribly wrong. Brewers started dropping like flies. First it was potential Gold Glove shortstop JJ Hardy - out for the season with a severely sprained ligament in his ankle. Then starter / long reliever Rick Helling bowed out (elbow). Then future super-star 2nd baseman Rickie Weeks' season ended prematurely with a wrist injury. All the while ace Ben Sheets (shoulder / back) and the Brew Crew's 3rd starter Toma Okha (hammie) constantly bounced off and on the DL. Okha's season is now over, as is third baseman Corey Koskie's.

Then for some reason, I thought about Miller Park's roof. It's been widely maligned since it has had problems with water leaks. For the longest time, whenever it rained, there was a constant dripping around the 2nd base area.

Rickie Weeks plays second base.

I did some digging and found out that Mitsubishi made Miller Park's roof. Mitsubishi is Japanese for "three diamonds".

Alarm bells went off in my head.

"Three diamonds." Baseball diamonds.

A quick glance at the standings shows that the Brewers are in 4th place in the NL central - behind 3 teams! Could those three diamonds that the Mitsubishi name refers to be those you would find at Busch Stadium, Minute Maid Park (nee Enron Field!) and... wherever the hell it is that the Reds play?

At that point it all became clear to me.

You can be certain that the super rich owners of those 3 franchises own significant blocks of Mitsubishi stock (and thus hold a great deal of influence with that company). These owners, to ensure that the uppity Brewers remained in their place as an also ran in the NL Central, had Mitsubishi install a faulty roof that would incessantly drip water on Rickie Weeks' head, causing him to go insane. Weeks' water torture insanity would lead him to assault various teammates, injuring them in such a way that they would either have to sit out for the remainder of the season or spend significant amounts of time on the DL.

The plan was somewhat derailed when Weeks injured his wrist punching Ben sheets in the back. But by then (and with Weeks' departure) the damage had been done.

Prove me wrong people! Prove. Me. Wrong.

Oh, on a wholly unrelated topic, this letter appeared in the Strib today:

A temporary fix

In a letter last week, a reader suggested that since everyone was blaming George W. Bush for recent high gasoline prices, we might want to thank him now that prices have come down.

We absolutely should. The fall in prices is because Bush has now called in his markers from the big oil companies. He has allowed them to artificially inflate prices at the pump while making obscene record profits without regulation or excess profits taxes, and they owe him big-time.

Prices will continue to fall, probably to the $2-a-gallon level, until after the election, when they'll go back above $3 and beyond.

SCULLY R. MULDER, AREA 51

The truth is out there, bitch.

UPDATE: Another factoid that supports my theory - did anyone notice how Geoff Jenkins didn't get hurt this year? That had to be on purpose.

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