Friday, September 22, 2006

Welcome to the Blogosphere, Distinguished Members of the Media!

I see that many of you have rediscovered blogs because of that little Wellstonian twit Noah Kunin, who stole a confidential unreleased ad from a private firm's website and then forwarded it to the Klobuchar campaign.

Just a random musing: Possible illegalities aside, that preceding sentence sounds an awful lot like an exam question I encountered in and IP or torts course in law school. Huh.

Anyway, I - LearnedFoot - would like to welcome you back. Judging by the various search engine terms and other coverage, it seems your interest in us has been somewhat rekindled. But since I fear that for most of you, your knowledge of this medium has been influenced by the likes of Tim O'Brien, I'm here to help you out; show you all the lay of the land; offer you some tips and warn you of the traps.

One of your legion on the news last night - Whatsizface...the bald guy...I think he's on WCCO...ah hell, the name will come to me - described the blogosphere as the "Wild West." That's an inapt analogy.

Really, it's more like a large corner pub. A pub that draws a diverse cross-section of people: party hacks, party activists, freelance propagandists, campaign hacks, cause activists, Hugh Hewitt wannabes, and annoying people who think that the world at large gives a shit about their dumbass cat.

That's about 50% of it.

49% of blogs concern themselves with p0rn.

That leaves 1% of the hypothetical "people" patronizing this metaphorical "bar" that you should actually pay any attention to.

To apply it to the story of the day, if you look carefully (and I will not provide links to them, otherwise you too may incur the same variety of brain damage that Tim O'Brien has apparently suffered) you have every damn lefty blog in the greater Minnesota area defending the indefensible, misdirecting the attention to irrelevancies, spitting out unspeakably stupid recriminations at Mark Kennedy, taking their side's stories at face value (some of which has already been exposed as a lie) while simultaneously breaking common decency and ethics down to a molecular level to see if they can find one jot that helps paint their candidate in a favorable light. They're trying to manipulate the theft of a work product in progress by a known left-wing DFL operative and the temporary complicity in it by the Klobuchar campaign as a shot against Mark Kennedy.

Most people would call it an insult to your intelligence. I call it the left wing Minnesota blogosphere. Look for it in your next edition of Roget's Thesaurus.

And if you examine these blogs closely, most of their authors are officially involved in a campaign or the DFL party in one capacity or another. There's a lot of rich irony in there if you look for it. Like the guy who thinks he can write authoritatively on topics of law because he was married to a lawyer once. Or, like the party bobos who appropriated the name "Publius" for their blog. This is a blog that wasted all kinds of bandwith accusing Mark Kennedy of campaign finance improprieties EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. he made a public appearance in Minnesota. I don't wish to insult John Jay, Alexander Hamilton, et al. so I just refer to that blog, on the rare occasions I do so, as "MNPooplius."

That is, they do those things during the times when they are not fixating on the latest fantasy opinion polls like a bunch of fourteen year-old boys who just got their hands on a copy of Playboy.

So the short story is: avoid those nimrods. If you want A-Klo's side of the story, just go straight to the campaign. You'll get the same thing you're getting from the bobos from people who have achieved at least some mastery of the skill of avoiding appearing like an obsessive nut, and who possess a mental age above 16.

And it probably goes without saying that you should probably avoid the p0rn blogs too. Unless they let you do that sort of thing at work.

So now you're left with 1% of the denizens of this mysterious tavern with whom it's safe to engage. These are the "Thunderjournalists." Guys like us, her, him (the coiner of "Thunderjournal"), him, and these guys.

We're relatively well adjusted folk who - uh, excuse me a second...

WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FRITOS????!!!!! I asked for a bag of goddam Fritos over an hour ago? Who's in charge of getting my Fritos?

DEMENTEE: SORRY BOSS!!!!!!! ME JUST BUSY EATING MOONBAT!!!!! ME GO GET FRITOS RIGHT NOW!!!!!

BILL INTERRUPTS: You shouldn't eat Fritos, Foot. They go straight to your thighs.

OPG INTERRUPTS: The Bears Suck!

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA ADDS: Velveeta!!!!

DEMENTEE: HERE FRITOS FOOT!!!! SORRY ABOUT DROOL ON BAG!!! ME GOTTA GO POOP NOW!!!!!!

OK, that's better. Where was I?

Oh yeah: us Thunderjournalists are a relatively well-adjusted lot. while we are politically engaged, we don't have any real partisan axes to grind, nor are we trying to sell you on some candidate or other that we regard with almost religious reverence. Along with the occasional political screed, we also write about sports, music, family life, butts, poop, why Nick Coleman sucks, and a myriad of other entertaining trivia that catches our collective fancies. Will you get the inside poop on the latest-breaking speculation about one political campaign or other? No.

But you will get poop. That's a guarantee.

And you will never, ever get your intelligence insulted.

So, check us out, Eric Black, Frank Vascellaro and Pat Kessler (HA! Remembered it!). The "blog" is dead; long live the Thunderjournal.

P.S. Really now, don't you think that this is a hell of a lot more interesting - and illuminating - than some dork with a video camera and bad taste in eyewear trying to convince you that a password prompt wasn't really a prompt for a password?

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