Monday, October 30, 2006

In Which LearnedFoot Gets Stoned and Endorses Candidates

The time has come for the institutional voice of KAR (me) to part the clouds and impart unto you what you should think and for whom you should vote. Taking a cue from the editorialists from both our fine big city dailies, I shall first smoke a large doobie before composing my endorsements.

*snork*

*snooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork*

*poot* *coff* *coff*

...

*snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork*

...

ohkay. less beeginn

STAR TRIBUNUNE EDITORIAL BOARD:

KAR endorses Jim Ron Carey.

This first endorsement will come as a shock to longtime readers of the Strib, primarily because the editorial board is not an elected post. But still there may be some shareholders out there of whichever company it is that owns the Strib now, who may be able to elect directors who can influence some hiring decisions. So to those shareholders, I say "vote for those guys."

Readers may also be nonplussed, as our endorsement runs against the far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far (*smacks self on side of head*) left wing institutional bias on Portland Avenue. And while most observers agree that Howard Dean or Brian Malenendnendz -(or whatver the hell his name is) would be a much "better fit" with the Strib's philosophy, that criterion has never stopped the Strib from endorsing candidates that are so very out of whack with their respective districts.

And in any event, electing Howard Dean or Wendy "Blow Job" Wilde to the Strib editorial board would effect absolutely no change from its current editorial direction. And "change" is something all those TV commercials keep telling me to vote for.

While the other right-wing candidate, Andy Aplihvcowskjee is certainly an attractive candidate -a Republican idealogue and self-admitted party hack - he lacks the experience and tolerance to mind-altering drugs required for this position at this time.

one moment...

*snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork*

*fleeahhh*

onn too teh nixt endorsesesesesementtt:

SOME OBSCURE WAY-DOWNBALLOT COMMISSIONER OR JUDICIAL POSITION IN ST. PAUL:

KAR endorses Moonchild.

The intensely hyperactive scion of the KAR fortune is the best write-in candidate for whichever office Mitch Berg's cat, Nosemarie Berg, is campaigning. I'm thinking a district court judgeship here or something.

If everybody in the St. Paul Midway district votes for Moonchild for all those obscure offices with unaffiliated candidates nobody has ever heard of before, I think Moonchild has a legitimate shot at beating the feline with the offensively foo foo name; even though Moonchild doesn't live in the district.

MAYOR OF EAGAN, MN

KAR endorses Moonchild.

Let's face it; you'd rather have a psychotic two year old running Minnesota's 8th-largest city than a guy who fancies himself an old salt. As an added plus, like St. Paul, Moonchild doesn't live in Eagan either.

*snooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork*

*wheeeeeeeee*

US SENATE, MINNESOTA

KAR endorses Nicko McBrain.

Well, duh.

*snork* *snork*

HENNEPIN COUNTY BOARD OF COMMISSIONERS

KAR endorses Iron Maiden.

Except for Nicko. He'll be too busy serving in the Senate.

LUNCH

KAR endorses four large pizzas with pepperoni, mushrooms and extra sauce with Cool Ranch Doritos crumbled up on top of them.

It's a no-McBrainer.

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