Monday, November 06, 2006

The Bestest Anniversary Present KAR Has Ever Received

Yesterday, KAR turned a pugnacious 2. Since Jane Smiley and her legions of like-minded elitist jerkasses published their tripe about how 51% of the country were simply dumb because the empty suit they favored went down in a richly deserved electoral defeat - which directly resulted in the birth of KAR - we have experienced dizzying highs, depressing lows, and creamy, creamy centers. And while all observers agree that our best days are firmly behind us, there still are things out there that make life worth blogging.

One of those things is Susan Lenfestey.

Yes, if a Nick Coleman column is the hanging curveball of fiskable material, then Lenfestey is a golf ball pitched in a slow, underhand form with a perfect 7-foot arc juicily traveling toward your 42 ounce titanium composite bat. Oh, and let's say the warning track is a couple of feet beyond the infield dirt.

So imagine my joy when the Strib printed another wretchedly mirthless apocolyptic screed from the self-appointed Atlas for all the world's sorrows caused by thisadministrationanditsfailedpolicies on KAR's blog day:

I have watched the now-infamous Kerry joke several times. What am I missing? It's clear to me that his implication is that if you are a mediocre student, as George W. Bush was at Yale [and John Kerry was even moreso, Sue. We wouldn't want to be intellectually dishonest now, would we? -ed.], you'll make stupid mistakes, like getting our nation stuck in Iraq.

Here's what you're missing: Kerry's comment was just another example of the just-under-the-surface hostility people like Kerry and you hold for folks that tend to enlist in the military in particular, and the larger population they represent in general. We're all just a bunch of ignorant rubes who possess no nuanced critical thinking skills; simple-minded folk who should stick to going to church, fixing your cars and mowing our lawns, and leave the Big Policy Setting to enlightened and nuanced thinkers as yourselves. Everybody knew that Kerry meant the first publicly stated version of that "joke."

But since most of Susan's party holds a similar sentiment to the one Kerry expressed, Kerry had to make up some bullshit story to cover his butt, because while many may agree with the Dem's policy positions, people tend to not want to vote for people they perceive as condescending assholes.

Speaking of the condescending asshole version of nuanced and critical thinking:

Sure, you can give that pretzel a twist and make it sound as if he was saying the soldiers in Iraq are all dropouts -- which is just what the Rove team did -- but anyone who views the (muffed) delivery of his (lame) joke or reads the text of his speech can see the jab was at the president, not at the troops.

So this enlightened and nuanced member of the illuminati swallowed Kerry's post-gaffe lie damage control whole. Let's play a game Susan.

Let's say that Dick Cheney said the following:

"If you work hard and study and try to be smart, you could earn 6 figures in a cushy Wall Street Investment banking gig. If you don't, well, you get stuck writing the occasional dissociative opinion piece for your husband's former employer."

After being repeatedly piloried for such an insulting remark toward occasional harpywriters who get their crap published in newspapers at which their spouses used to work, Cheney later comes out and says that he meant to say:

"If you work hard and study and try to be smart, you could earn 6 figures in a cushy Wall Street investment banking gig. If you don't, well, you get stuck writing the occasional dissociative opinion piece a weekly local column for your husband's former employer. The Strib. See. I was just referring to Katherine Kersten! Ha Ha! I appologize for nothing."

Would you - Susan - have bought that explanation? Hmm? Hmm?

Don't be silly!


See how fun that was? And that was only one stinking paragraph. Susan such a font of material, sometimes I can only fisk one or two grafs before having to return to my daily grind. Like now.

But if you are a newbie blogger or aspiring ThunderJournalist who wants to rip apart the droolings you see daily on the pages of the Strib, there's no better way to hone your blogging skeelz than to gut one of Lenfestey's frequently fact-challenged, usually delusional and always hysterical ravings. If you keep practicing, studying hard and trying to be smart, you too can one day rise to the level of KAR's excellence.

If not, you get stuck in the opinion pages of the Strib.

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