Monday, November 20, 2006

Comfortable Sameness: Keillor Still an Unfunny Twerp; 9 Chickweed Lane Still Sucks

I wonder how Garrison Keillor has gotten through life without someone breaking his nose. Really. In the good ol' days, excessive smugness was kept in check by a well-placed bop to the noggin. When a jerk went around proclaiming he was smarter than all you dopes and insulting the populations of entire states, he was either roundly ignored, or his face briefly served as a Fist Decelleration Device. Now, these people get a syndicated newspaper column and movie deals. The fact that Keillor in all his faux sophisticate condescention and publicly subsidized unfunnniness still has a nose that resembles a nose is a further testament to the decline of American Civilization.

Oh sure, his latest divel can be passed off as "satire" or "humor." Problem is, it's not funny. Just smug:

Democrats intend to bring reform to Washington, and why not begin with the United States Senate? It has been sorely in need of reform for a century or so. Two senators per state is a good idea in theory, assuming they are half smart, but then you look at George Allen, a lumbering frat boy from the state of Madison and Jefferson, and you think, whoa, something is wrong with this picture. We need some horizontal control.

There it is. Again. "Half smart." "Frat boy." You'd think that anyone as intelligent and, er, nuanced as Keillor and his ilk think they are could come up with something new. I'm guessing he blew his creative insult wad with his "nihilist in golf pants" hissy fit a couple of years ago.

And incidentally, if I remember correctly, that tirade made insulting use of "frat boy" as well. Y'all should probably be careful about that: approximately one-quarter of KAR's Pantheon of ThunderJournalism All Stars was a "frat boy". And he's the one you'd least like to piss off, if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo - Mr. My-Nose-Makes-For-a-Tasty-Target has a solution in search of a problem: the "dumb" states have too many Senators:

Let's start at the beginning and redraw the map. First of all, is there a reason for Wyoming to exist as a state? I have often wondered about this. Why give two Senate seats to a half-million dime-store cowboys while California gets two seats for 34 million people? (Wyoming has roughly the population of Sacramento.) It's okay if Wyoming sends somebody with brains and an independent streak, but when they send a couple of Republican hacks, then it makes no sense.

But California inflicting both Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein on us somehow does make sense...

The idea behind the Senate was to create a sheltered body of wise counselors who, because they don't have to shill for money perpetually, can rise above the petty tumult and think noble thoughts and do the right thing in a pinch. Can you think of a time when Wyoming's senators have done this? No, you can't. So let's bite the bullet and make Wyoming a federal protectorate and appoint an overseer. This would be a good assignment for Halliburton. It's done a heck of a job in Iraq, and let's give it Wyoming and, while we're at it, Alaska. A wonderful postcard place, but what have its congressmen done other than grub for federal largesse for Alaska? Change the name to Denali and put Halliburton in charge of it.

You know, I have a better idea. How about we fence in all the ultra-blue central cities in America. They can be free to build their Utopian Sustainable Urban Communities (USUC) - on their own dime of course - while the rest of us can get on with our lives without the annoying white-noise arrogant harping from taxpayer subsidized know-nothings. Oh sure, life in the USUCs would be great, with a rollicking arts scene and ample transit - right up until the time everybody in them starves to death.

Now that would be funny. Unlike Keillor.

What? Mass starvation of liberals wouldn't be funny?

Aw shucks. I guess you're right.

Um... OK. How about Sunday's 9 Chickweed Lane "comic" strip? After all, in a dreary world that inflicts douchebags like Garrison Keillor on us and calls it humor, what could be funnier than good old 9CWL?

Well anything really. Don't bother clicking through the link to Sunday's strip above. I can do it just as much justice by describing it to you:

PANEL 1: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 2: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 3: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 4: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 5: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 6: Two diagonal lines on a converging path. Text box reads, "Hallmarks of felinity"

PANEL 7: Two diagonal lines on a converging path. Text box reads, "Always one sharp toenail"

PANEL 8: Two diagonal lines converge at a cat.

Ha ha! I don't know about you, but I just laughed so hard that I pooped in my pants!

OK. I didn't. Plus la change... (Or however that French saying goes.)

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