Thursday, November 16, 2006

Liveblogging My Day at the City Pages Office

NOTE: The City Pages has taken a little heat for a recent article it published about the GOP election night party that contained certain scenarios that seemed to be a little too conveniently close to its authors' preconceived notions. As an outreach effort to foster understanding, the Editor in Chief of the City Pages invited me to witness firsthand a typical day for its staff. Below are my extemporaneous observations that I assure you were not made up or written in advance.

800: I arrive at the CP city desk. Nobody is here.

900: Still nobody.

1000: Vacant. I'm thinking about leaving.

1034: City Pages springs to life! A disheveled staff member stumbles in looking like he just rolled out of the rack. He's got bloodshot, squinty eyes and a severe case of bedhead. He ambles over to his workspace, pulls a 4-foot bong out from under his desk and sparks up.

1100: The staff are starting to roll in now. Everyone looks like they're operating on 1 hour of sleep, like the first guy. The place is beginning to reek of patchouli.

1110: Daily nondenominational Moment of Silence for Paul Wellstone.

1115: Paul Demko walks in wearing a Little Bo Peep outfit. He also appears to be slathered in vegetable oil.

1130: Lunch time. My contact informs me that a lot of the female staff use their lunchbreak to get abortions.

1230: Coversation overheard near photocopier: "Sure blacks are dumber than us, just like Republicans, conservatives, suburbanites, exurbanites, farmers, Christians, Jews, Zoroastrians, rural hicks and pretty much everybody else; but as long as they keep voting the right way, we really can't say anything, ya' know."

1300: Staff meeting. Today's topic: What is the most efficient method to exterminate the Corporatist Pigs and install a glorious new Maoist regime.

1315: Some of the folks at the sports desk are throwing darts at a picture of Jesus.

1327: Everybody here has The Nihilist in Golf Pants as their homepage. Curious.

1400: Daily conference call with Geoge Soros and Fidel Casto.

1430: There's a gay orgy going on in the bathroom.

1445: Beginning to wonder when they will start doing newspaper stuff.

1515: PANIC IN ADVERTISING! Terror sweeps the department on news that revenue from gay "escort" classified ads has only grown 5% from last month. One of them hasily runs to the bathroom to see if anyone in there is interested in a career change.

1530: The next issue's Tom Tomorrow cartoon arrives. Talking penguins are funny!

1535: Upon reflection, this Tom Tomorrow comic is just as unfunny and detatched from reality as its 35,000 previous installments. Must be getting high on the patcouli fumes.

1550: just noticed that every. single. person. in the newsroom is wearing some sort of fashion-forward, nerd chic eyeglasses.

1600: I continue to be looked down upon, condescended to, and ignored by every person in the building. It sucks to be so unhip, what with me having children and refusing to wear non-prescription eyeglasses and all.

1615: Uh oh. Someone here must have read this liveblog. They're accusing me of making all this shit up based on my own stereotypes. It occurs to me that Demko may also have a dildo up his butt while he bends over to offer homage to the portrait of Paul Welstone on the wall, thinking of ways to confiscate private property and escheat it to the glorious State. How does he fit in his hybrid anyway?

1616: He uses the light rail train -duh!

1630: Everyone's put in a hard 4 and a half hours of work. The entire staff is off to 1st Avenue. This liveblog is over!

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