Monday, November 27, 2006

Remedial Retail

Dear Target,

As you may or may not be aware, your department stores have a return policy. It's a perfectly standard and serviceable policy: bring back the thing you don't want with a receipt in a reasonable amount of time, and you get your money back. That's nice. However, I think that there is something that you have failed to take into account when executing said policy.

You see, there are myriad reasons why a customer may want to return a purchase. Maybe the thing isn't exactly what was needed. Maybe it turned out to be the wrong size. Maybe they found a better deal elsewhere at a later time.

However, one of the major reasons customers return merchandise is because, as we say out here in the Rubeburbs, the shit don't work. The product is defective or damaged. In fact, this is one of the major reasons to allow returns.

That being said, it would be very helpful if, when accepting returned merchandise, you would have your employees inquire as to the reason for the return. Or, failing that - inspect the returned product to ensure that it is suitable for purchase by another person. Should a customer return something that is defective - that is, the shit don't work - then please please please pretty please

DON'T PUT THE DEFECTIVE PRODUCT BACK ON THE FUCKING SHELF FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO PURCHASE, ONLY TO HAVE TO RETURN IT - AGAIN - WASTING THE TIME AND MONEY OF ALL PARTIES INVOLVED!!!!!!!

[Sam Kinneson]Ahhh - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!![/Sam Kinneson]

This happened with two - TWO - sets of Christmas lights that I bought recently in two separate - SEPARATE - visits to my local Target store. The packages had obviously been opened by someone else, and the product inside did not work. This means that the drones at the Customer "Service" counter were taking returned merchandise and returning it promptly to the retail floor without so much as a cursory examination as to whether the damned things lit up or not.

This has happened with other products I have purchased in the past at Target too. One time it was a coffee maker that wouldn't turn on. After a little more examination, I noticed coffee grounds in the brewing basket.

I hadn't put them there.

Would it kill your bottom line to make your staff inspect returned merchandise - or ask the customer of there's a defect - before putting it back into the stream of commerce. And really that inspection part is extremely crucial. For instance, I notice that your store sells thongs. What if some lady with a penchant for olestra potato chips (and afflicted with the attendant problem associated with them) tried on her new TargetThong when she got home and found it to be a bit too snug? Would you put that baby back on the rack in all its newly rosebudded glory?

Which reminds me...

If you are a potential Target customer in the market for a thong, may I suggest a KAR thong? Guaranteed 100% fecal matter-free. Get your KAR Thong today! Makes a great stocking stuffer too!

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