Wednesday, December 27, 2006

11 Worst Minnesota Political Figures of 2006

11. MNPooplius

Michael Brodkorb: Breaks stories about DFL candidates and assorted DFL flaks, many of which have enough merit to get picked up by local media outlets. For this he gets no end of shit.

MNPooplius: Mark Kennedy photoshopped a fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. Steve "Hertz" Berg

To paraphrase the New Yorker: "What a yutz!"

9. Amy Klobuchar.

Ineffectual substance-free county prosecutor who ascended to her office by the force of her surname replaces ineffectual substance-free senator who ascended to her office by the force of her surname.

8. Patty Wetterling.

dem·a·gogue (dem-ah-gog), n. A leader who makes use of popular prejudices and false claims and promises in order to gain power.

7 THROUGH 5. Obsessive Stalker Looser.

It used to be that OSL and her merry band of slanderous pantloads served up such inane garbage on her sewerblog that I always had some great material to work with when I needed it. But since she and her cohorts failed the solitary mission of their pitiful lives, they've gone so far 'round the bend that no embellishment, insult or barb that I could provide could match the comedic value that they now - albeit unintentionally - offer themselves. With the sole redeeming quality she once provided (material for me) now gone, OSL's ranking drops just as precipitously as her postelection traffic. How rediculous!

4. My Hypocritical Jerkass Neighbor With the Collen Rowley Sign in His Yard Who Called The Cops on My Neighbor and Me for Shooting Off Fireworks.

You know who you are. On the 4th of July, you and your yuppie neighbors were gathered in your cul de sac having a great time firing off bottle rockets. One spent rocket landed on my windshield as I was driving by. At the time, I thought to myself "Hey, that was cool!" A couple of weeks later, my neighbor and I were enjoying our own fireworks when one of the spent rockets landed within 50 feet of your precious children (for whom, I might add, you set out lawn chairs for them to sit on while they enjoyed our show). You thought to yourself "Hey, I'm calling the cops!" And come the cops did resulting in the tragic drowning of some $50 worth of pyrotechnics. That little act confirmed to me that you are a douchebag. The Rowley lawn sign that stood in your yard (judging from the duration of its display, it was probably one of the first off the press) indicates that you are a left-wing douchebag, and therefore appropriate for inclusion on this list.

And BTW: don't have too much fun next 4th of July, as your little stunt has stoked in me a new-found compulsion for slavishly following the letter of the law. If you know what I mean.

3. Al Gore.

Yes, I know he's not a Minnesota political figure, but face it - this guy's disingenuousness, vacuity and overall pea-brained suckiness transcends something as arbitrary as a state border.

2. Mike Hatch

Small, ill-tempered, unlikable man spends nearly his entire tenure as AG investigating and suing HMOs and then makes blaming rising health care costs on the governor a cornerstone of his campaign. For this, he gets more than 40% of the vote. Which leads me to the worst political figure of 2006...

1. You.

Perhaps you voted for Mike Hatch or the unaccountable, wispy apparition Amy Klobuchar. Or perhaps you are a blogger who claims expertise in a subject because you "have a friend" who may have some tangential expertise on the topic. Or perhaps you signed off on a panicky toned full-page newspaper ad claiming that "the rich" need to pay more taxes; "the rich" being defined as "has income over $39,000 per year." Maybe you compile comically one-sided end-of-the-year "worst politicos" list that, like Obsessive Stalker Looser's droolings, becomes instant and unintentional self-parody. Or maybe you're just some shlub who irritated me during 2006. Whatever your case may be, I am a misanthrope. Therefore, I rule and you suck.

Time magazine named you Person of the Year. Time Magazine also has named Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Nakita Krushchev, Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, Ayatollah Khomeini, Yasser Arafat, and Ted Turner as Person of the Year. You suck. Congratulations.

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