Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Christmas Charity for Cynical Vikings Guy

Life is good here aboard my G5 (which I've taken to calling "Air Favre One"). Excuse me while I take a bite of my caviar omelette made with 4 California Condor eggs and wash it down with a Chimay Trappist Ale.

Ahh, good stuff. Now, here's the story. Wednesday morning I causally flipped open the sports section and stared in disbelief. I logged onto the internet and confirmed the information on several websites. Well, if Vegas is going to give away free money, I’m getting in line. I took off for my bank, emptied my accounts and put the cash in my carry on. At the airport, the screeners were suspicious that I had bought a last minute one-way ticket to Las Vegas and my only luggage was a bag of cash, but they waved me through when I said “The over/under in the Packers-Vikings game is an astounding 37”.

Every once in a while we see this late in the NFL season: the smart money doesn’t quite realize just how incompetently rancid the Vikings' offense is. Enough ignorant gamblers think that Randall Cunningham is still throwing to Randy Moss that the over/under becomes a joke. When these rare free money experiences surface, one must be ready to pounce. I didn’t get a hotel room for Wednesday night – ALL of my available money was going on the under 37 points (thank God for drink tickets).

I went up and down the strip spreading my bets across several different casinos so as not to bankrupt any one casino (okay, the real reason I placed multiple bets was so that no one ticket would be over the limit that must be reported to the IRS – the IRS can read the paper; if they want a piece of the action, they can make a bet like everyone else). I even encounted this sad looking guy wearing a Troy Williamson jersey over a Hawaiian shirt and wearing the Viking horns with little pieces of foam rubber cheese impaled on them. He was geeked about the debut of the Vikes' new quarterback - Tavaris something - and he was certain that this young phenom would "light up the scoreboard" against the Pack's putrid secondary, confirming his long-held assertion that Brad Childress should have been fired for not starting him on opening day. He produced a carry-on bag full of cash and demanded the over. I tried to act reluctant so as to better set the hook, and eventually "conceded" him the over. No need to go to church to pray for the under because everyone knows that St. Lombardi has already put in a good word with the big guy.

It was clear early on that my prayers would be answered despite Brett Favre throwing the ball at will against the Vikings embarrassing pass defense. No need to bribe the officials as the rain soaked tundra made for a hard slog around the goal line and the Vikings held fast to their role as The Most Penalized Team in the History of the Universe. Hell, even Dave Raynor knew they'd only need 3 field goals to win. The Pack ended up winning by 2, but more importantly, the number came in at 16. It was the best of all possible worlds: a Pack win, and I get even richer. I cashed my sports book tickets and collected my winnings from that cynical Vikings guy. He was so disgusted by all the cigarette smoke and transfats in the myriad Vegas restaurants that he barely even put up a fight. Good thing too, as I had LearnedFoot on retainer to proceed with a lawsuit to force him to pay, had the need arose.

In the meantime, that poor cynical Vikings guy is penniless. He's taken up residence in some public library, and he's so distraught over this whole thing, that he's taken to forging e-mails to make me look bad. Or maybe he's just trying to make himself feel better for not taking the points and instead betting on the over/under. Whatever it is, he needs your help. Donations can be sent to: Cynical Vikings Guy c/o Clark County Library, 1401 E. Flamingo Rd, Las Vegas, NV. Thanks! I know I can count on our readers to be generous and make a difference in some disenchanted Viking fan's life during this most holy season. Playoff season.

Oh look! Another case of Cristal! How'd that get there?

Go Pack!

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