Barack Obama: A "rock star," the Great Off-White hope of the Dems in 2008 is an attractive and articulate man. Unfortunately, he carries a couple liabilities: 1) When you strip away his awesome oratory skills, his vibrant charm and boyish good looks, what you have left is a far lefty who differs in no meaningful way philosophically from Dennis Kucinich. 2) He is sensitive about his big ears.
Hillary Clinton: If she doesn't get the nomination, look for her to divorce Bill and marry Obama.
Joe Biden: If he can get away with stealing Obama's speeches, he may finish as high as seventh place in New Hampshire.
John Edwards: OH THAT COIFFURE! Sure he's a greasy med-mal lawyer, but he can channel dead prenatal babies! Surprisingly, this amazing gift to communicate with premies who have gone to the Great Beyond has not yet caused him to rethink his position on abortion. Too busy with the hair, I'm sure.
Chris Dodd: Why?
Tom Vilsack: Unfortunately named Iowa governor who thinks he can appeal to the Cornpone Community. The last president to hail from Iowa was Herbert Hoover. Does Vilsack have what it takes to live up to Hoover's legacy? Probably.
Bill Richardson: Probably won't take a vigorous run at the nomination since he already thinks that he is the president.
Al Gore: Hailed for his outspokenness on the
Sam Brownback: He's from Kansas! And... er... something something.
Mitt Romney: He's the Republican governor in Massachusetts, which is one reason not to trust his conservative cred right off the bat. The only thing he'll be good for is clever newspaper headline writers (positive showing in primary: "Mitt Catches a Break"; campaign appearance at Oktoberfest: "Bratwurst Mitt Kraut"; an unfortunate incident overseas: "Mitt Hit by Brit Spit" etc.)
Newt Gingrich: Withing 5 seconds of announcing his candidacy, every single leftybloger in existence will remind its readers about how Newt divorced his wife while she was dying of cancer 25 years ago. Write it down.
Chuck Hagel: (checking notes) Hmmm... I guess he is a Republican.
Rudy Giuliani: If he ends up running against Gore, his slogan will be "Hey - At least I was able to graduate from law school," and will win every state (except Minnesota) and substantial portions of Canada.
The Nihilist in Golf Pants: Vowing to usher in new era of peevishness in Washington, his campaign theme of "Fuck You - You Suck" won't get him far past the Iowa Caucus.
Do you know what I hate? Salad poops. You know - those poops you have the morning after eating a big salad for or with dinner? It's messy coming out - looking like a bunch of light brown shreds of paper. And worst of all, when you have a salad poop, it never really feels like you're done pooping - like there's still some half digested shreds of lettuce up there that you just can't quite get your sphincter muscles to expel. On the upside, this is probably due to the fact that roughage is known as "nature's broom". All that lettuce scrapes out months-worth of detritus that has just been languishing in your bowels all this time.
These candidates are like a salad poop: they're not really useful until they stop clogging up the nominating process by removing themselves from it:
Dennis Kucinich (Beloved only by Koslings and Berkely nimrods - 250,000 votes won't be enough to get elected)
John McCain (Just like every other year he's run)
I anxiously await my Instalanche.