Ex Cathedra

I know that there are some who hesitate reading some of Dementee's longer posts. I can understand how it may be hard for some to wade through the highly concentrated bile and the often Andy Aplikowski-like syntax.

But Dementee's keen eye hits on something here. It serves as a window into the capricious black souls of those public servants who not only wish to convince others that they know better, but have already convinced themselves:

[Dementee:] Next on [our] list of fascists is the mayor himself:

[Quote:] "The mayor believes that the vast majority of St. Paul residents support the smoking ban, though he certainly respects the right of bar owners to move forward with a referendum," said Coleman's spokesman, Bob Hume. "In 10 years, we will look back and wonder why we ever allowed smoking in bars and restaurants, just as we do today with office buildings and hospitals."

[Dementee:] Notice the wording, “…why we ever allowed…”,

I don't know which will be sadder to watch: St. Paul sinking into oblivion under the leadership of these arrogant jerkballs, or that the city's descent into a swamp of mediocrity (or worse) will fail to drag the arrogant jerkballs down with it.

The Real Freedom Fighters

While I don’t have a great deal of confidence that this will do anything more than slow the momentum of the freedom-hating fascist pigs who run government in St. Paul, or the self-righteous, smug a-holes like our friend Bob at AMA or Jeanne Weigum from Association of Nonsmokers-Minnesota (who hates billboards and city lights as much as she hates smoke), I hope it will force the aforementioned fascist pigs and a-holes to spend a small fortune to defend their anti-independence actions.

Almost as disturbing as the ban, is the attitude of the jerks who favor it.

Dave Thune is one of the most arrogant pieces of fecal matter to come along in quite a while. He pushes a ban that will kill small businesses and then has the balls to propose tax dollars be used to help them survive:

Thune said he already is weighing an effort to provide city financial assistance to small-bar owners, perhaps financing for building outdoor patios or other improvements to ease the impact of going cold turkey on smoking this spring.

But the feces really start flying when he puts the blame not on his anti-American, freedom hating, fascist law, but on other bar owners:

"I think some vocal, well-off bar owners are really turning on the neighborhood pubs," said Thune, who is a smoker. "It's the little guys that are going to suffer."

Thune is a shameless bastard.

Next on or list of fascists is the mayor himself:

"The mayor believes that the vast majority of St. Paul residents support the smoking ban, though he certainly respects the right of bar owners to move forward with a referendum," said Coleman's spokesman, Bob Hume. "In 10 years, we will look back and wonder why we ever allowed smoking in bars and restaurants, just as we do today with office buildings and hospitals."

Notice the wording, “…why we ever allowed…”,

These Lefties kill me. They actually believe rights are given to us by governement. Perhaps they should reread the founding documents.

And these dirt bags are concerned about Justice Alito?

I wonder what other things we are allowed to do are on Comrade Coleman’s list for extermination.

Then there are Moffitt and Weigum:

"There certainly are risks involved for them," Weigum said of supporters of a repeal. "I don't think they can win the public health battle, but they've always argued the public didn't want it. … If they lose, it takes away their last protection, and they'll probably lose the entire state."

She’s right about one thing: winning on the subject of public health won’t work because the lies she and her comrades have been spewing are so ingrained in the minds of the ignorant – like Thune – it is almost impossible to reverse the damage.

How does this bitch live with herself? She thinks nothing of the freedom of others. All she gives a damn about is Jeanne and what Jeanne wants.

Mark my words: This elitist broad and her spineless sidekick Bob will come after smokers in their homes after they succeed in eradicating it from every other venue.

I wonder how Thune will react when the Smoking Police kick his door in and drag his ass to jail for smoking in his own home. I can’t wait to hear him cry, “What about my rights.”

Sorry Dave, you gave up your rights when you made a deal with the devil and jumped on the anti-smoking bandwagon.

WAKE UP! THESE PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS AND WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO RESAPE SOCIETY ACCORDING TO THEIR WARPED VIEW OF THE WORLD.

COLEMAN, THUNE, WEIGUM, MOFFITT AND THE REST OF THEIR ANTI-FREEDOM FIGHTERS DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR HEALTH, THEY CARE ONLY ABOUT FORCING YOU TO LIVE AS THEY WANT YOU TO.

You Can't Beat Meat!

The Strib published a howler today by something named David Banks. In the interests of equal time (and because I am in the pocket of Big Meat) (Whoa! That didn't sound very good) (Yet it makes me giggle uncontrollably) I offer a rebuttal.

So, you're a vegetarian or vegan who is sick of going to bed hungry every night? You think you may be teetering on the verge of partaking of the flesh? Here are a few thoughts to push you over to the Reality-Based Diet Community:

1) Everything you've been told about the health benefits of tofu is a lie:

An American Heart Association committee reviewed a decade of studies on soy's benefits and came up with results that are now casting doubt on the health claim that soy-based foods and supplements significantly lower cholesterol.

The findings could lead the Food and Drug Administration to reevaluate rules that allow companies to tout a cholesterol-lowering benefit on the labels of soy-based food.

The panel also found that neither soy nor the soy component isoflavone reduced symptoms of menopause, such as ``hot flashes,'' and that isoflavones do not help prevent breast, uterine or prostate cancer. Results were mixed on whether soy prevented postmenopausal bone loss.

There. So if the only reason you eat that crap is because you are going through your, um, life changes, you've got an out.

2) Cows are yummy!

3) Banks writes that we ought to have "empathy" for tasty animals. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "empathy" thus:

[T]he action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Now, if you are able to vicariously experience the feelings, the experiences, and - especially - the thoughts of a chicken, your problems run way way deeper than your diet. I can safely say that the only "experience" of a cow that I ever understood was when I burned my hand on the grill when flipping a New York Strip.

4) Contrary to what Banks asserts, quality of life (and death) doesn't matter. It's a fecking cow.

5) You know those four pointy teeth you have toward the front of your mouth? They're called canines. Their purpose is to tear flesh.

6) If you're an Italian vegetarian, say goodbye to Sunday Gravy. Not only is this one of the most meat-intensive comfort foods ever invented, many versions of this dish also include veal!

(And I make a damn fine gravy, if I do say so my damn self.)

(Just ask the Notorious B.I.L, who has had it, and will be supping on it again this Sunday.)

(I have really gotta stop with the parentheticals.)

7) Without meat we'd have little use for barbecue sauce.

8) An all vegetable diet makes you poop a lot. And don't get me started on the farts. Or the breath. It's better to keep "nature's broom" (leafy vegetables) in the closet, until you actually need to be cleaned out. How much has the nation's GDP suffered due to the lost productivity of vegetarians who are constantly sitting on the can?

9) Finally, like that drooling doorknob Banks said: it's not easy to avoid meat. There's a reason for that.

New Sidebar Feature

Noticing the success of our Open Threads for Sisyphus series, Sisyphus' cohort The Nihilist in Golf Pants has also offered to contribute to the overall excellence of KAR. On the sidebar, you will note our new feature, "Nihilist's Best-of-the-Web" - a compendium of the web sites the Nihilist loves and thinks are worth frequenting.

Enjoy!

NOTE: This new feature has absolutely nothing to do with KAR's losing the #1 spot on the Nihilist's Top 11 blogs to Fraters Libertas. If, however, NIGP wants to deal, we're listening.

Musings of a Rich Guy

I did my taxes over the weekend and was pleased to discover that I am rich. Actually I had an inkling that I might be rich last year, but now I know for sure. Given that the Bush tax cuts had somewhat of an impact on my federal return last year, and a noticeable impact this year, I must be rich. After all, I keep hearing these bloated windbags in Congress and elsewhere telling me that those tax breaks were for the "rich". Res ipsa loquitur.

Of course it didn't hurt that you can deduct your state, local and property taxes on your federal return (*big* deduction if you're a MN taxpayer). Oh - that's another reason why I know I'm rich. Since Minnesota has a long and storied history of not giving tax breaks to the rich, and I again got rear-ended this year on my Minnesota bill, it confirms my status as a "rich" guy.

As a quick aside for all you Minnesota filers out there: did you ever notice that many of the available Minnesota tax credits seem to be set up for the benefit of maybe one or two people? Most of them read like:

If your adjusted gross income is more than $38,337 but not more than $39,005, and you or a qualifying spouse have a prosthetic arm that is orange or ochre in color, and you claim at least one dependent on this year's return that has been treated for gout in the past three years, then you qualify for the Prosthetic Gout Tax Credit in an amount not to exceed $12.46.

But I digress. Where was I?

Oh yeah: I'm rich.

I'll be getting a big refund from my federal return soon. I have big plans for that money:

- Pay the $120 I owe Minnesota for underwithholding yet again;

- Pay off the discrepancy in my escrow account to make up for ISD 196's latest butt raping;

- Subsidize sales taxes I may pay throughout the year;

- Subsidize all the gas taxes I will pay throughout the year;

- Utility surcharges and fees;

- Renew my vehicle tabs;

- With what's left, I'll buy a 12 pack of premium domestic beer and a couple of cigars, (along with their attendant excise taxes, and "fees".)

Thank You Howard Dean

Howard “The Duck” Dean is showing himself to be the perfect chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Take a gander at this one.

This guy is corrupt, incompetent or completely ineffective. Whichever it is, the Dems are in heap-big trouble. Just 9 months away from the midterm election and the DNC has a mere $5.5 million in the bank to the RNC’s $34 million.

What amazes is that Howard traveled the country to rally the troupes. He visited every state – or was going to – to raise money and build the momentum necessary to reestablish Lefty control of the House and Senate.

Looks like Dr. Dean is being a successful at this as his own Presidential campaign.

True, the election is some time off and that will be the real proof whether Howie knows what the hell he is doing, but you gotta like the GOP’s chances.

I thank God every day that the Left has taken control of the Democrat Party. With Cindy Sheehan contemplating a run for the Senate and Howie going on Fox News Sunday to peddle his “The economy sucks” bilge, the Republicans have very, very little to worry about.

Let these stumblebums have the floor – forever. Before long the Left in this country will end up destroying itself – the last best hope for Socialism on the face of the earth.

Open Thread for Sisyphus - or - Silverchair Can Teach Us a Lot About How I'm Not Blogging Today

You're gonna have to wait, bad boy
Bad boyeee -
Wait 'til tomorrow. -- Silverchair

Sisyphus only, please.

Monday Moron Mail Mad Lib

I couldn't resist:

If [FEMALE FICTIONAL CHARACTER] is running for governor simply to [VERB], well, that's good enough for me. However, having known [ACADEMIC SUBJECT] for some time, I know that she is not as one-dimensional as her [NOUN - PLURAL] would make her out to be.

When [SAME FICTIONAL CHARACTER AS ABOVE] says she'll fight government's violation of individual [NOUN] rights, she means across the board -- including improper use of [NOUN - PLURAL].

MARK [NICKNAME] WERNIMONT, [NAME OF BAR]

For those who don't know, Mark "Smokey McSmokesmoke" Wernimont is a former (current?) MOBster, and decidedly not a moron.

When News Judgment Disappears

Does ABC intend to lead every freaking newscast with this story?

Since yesterday every damned radio newscast has started with an update on Woodruff and Vogt.

Enough is enough. Get to the real news.

The Blog Mart

A weekly survey of the pulse of the blogosphere. (For more about the reasons behind this exercise in banality, click here.)

the blog mart learnedfoot

Red lycra-clad moonbat causes stir

The blogs were all atwitter this week about the release of a photo showing British MP George "The Animal" Galloway wearing a shiny red skin-tight leotard. Many bloggers seized on the MP's fashion faux pas, and piled on the scorn and ridicule. Blogger Learned Foot of Kool Aid Report blog (1) twisted one of Galloway's own quotes, writing: "You once were a corrupt flaming moonbat. Now, you are a retarded-looking gay robot, dancing with a transvestite."

However, Chief from the Freedom Dogs blog (2) envisioned the spandex beclad Galloway more as a Godzilla-like monster wreaking havoc on downtown Tokyo. Meanwhile Sisyphus at the Nihilist in Golf Pants blog (3) hypothesized that Galloway "was convinced by Christopher Hitchens that chicks love a guy in a red bodysuit."

Bloggers take self-assessment quizzes to find out which inanimate object they are

As is often their wont, many bloggers took fun online personality inventories discover what metaphorical object they might be. Blogger Doug Williams of the Bogus Gold blog (4) discovered that if he were a car, he would surely be a Porsche. Meanwhile Jerry Plagge of the SD63 blog (5) found out that his Hillbilly name would be "Butch Tucker."

But not all the quizzes bloggers took this week turned out positively. For instance, blogger Kathy of the Cake Eater Chronicles Blog (6) was chagrined to discover that her answers to a quiz indicated that she "smells like butt."

Apparently online personality quizzes aren't for everybody. Once again, nobody at the Kool Aid Report blog(7) participated in one.

Bloggers are dorky

Minneapolis/St. Paul Magazine released its Hipster Survey this week, and bloggers were not amused. Blogger Chad from the Fraters Libertas blog (8) snarked: "It's tough to decide which one of these folks you'd least like to have to spend ten minutes with." Tacitly suggesting that the proclivities of so-called "hipsters" are just a wee bit pretentious and out of the mainstream, blogger Learned Foot of the Kool Aid Report blog (9) offered an alternative survey with more blogger appropriate questions such as "Where do you beer?" and "Why are you so damn ugly?"

Wonkette update

Wonkette (10) still sucks.

Bloggers excoriate morons

A lot of bloggers wrote about morons this week. Blogger Dementee of the Kool Aid Report blog (11) had this to say about a smoking ban proponent: "Kathy you are an ignorant, arrogant piece-of-crap moron."

From the left side of the blogosphere, blogger Smartie of the Power Liberal blog (12) gave his own slant on the tried and true fisking of a moronic letter to the Strib (with his apologies to the Kool Aid Report blog (13)), by titling a post "Moron Mail."


SEE FOR YOURSELF HOW TO FIND BLOGS ONLINE:

1 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
2 Freedom Dogs - http://www.freedomdogs.com/
3 The Nihilist in Golf Pants - http://www.nihlist.blogspot.com/
4 Bogus Gold - http://bogusgold.com/
5 SD63 - http://sd63.blogspot.com/
6 Cake Eater Chronicles - http://cakeeaterchronicles.mu.nu/
7 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
8 Fraters Libertas - http://www.fraterslibertas.com/
9 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
10 Wonkette - (URL currently unavailable)
11 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
12 The Power Liberal - http://powerliberal.blogspot.com/
13 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/

THE BLOGS IN ANALOG: GROIN INJURIES.

Absolute zero.

Unfortunately for Jermaine O'Neal and the Indiana Pacers, a torn groin [shutter] will sideline the formidable power forward for 8 weeks. Fortunately for the rest of us, 99.7% of all bloggers are men, meaning few can overcome the empathy pains to write about it. Even the sole blogger who did so had trouble finishing the post.

Moron Mail

This will have to be a drive-by fisking as I'm working on this week's Blog Mart.

Fortunately, it's all too easy.

IRONY ALERT!!!!!

Get a dictionary

[heh. -ed]

I was so surprised to see the Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee -- all voting the party line, as usual -- castigating their Democratic colleagues for voting the party line. Seems that when the Democrats do it, it's called partisanship, but when Republicans do it, it's just called being right.

What will the next sound bite be?

WAYNE HISTORYDEFICIENTDUMBASS, EAGAN.

Well, Wayne, it appears that the next soundbite will be: "Seems that when the Democrats do it, it's called partisanship, but when Republicans do it, it's just called being right."

To illustrate the Dem's unprecedented douchebagginess - and the Republican's relative deference to the president's Supreme Court nominees - when it comes to partisanship, let's flashback to the Clinton appointees:

In 1993 the senate confirmed former ACLU moonbat Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Court 96-3. Hint: there were more than 3 Republicans in the Senate at the time (I believe there were even more than 8).

In 1994, Justice Stephen "Foreign Law Should Have Precedential Value" Breyer was confirmed 87-9 by the Senate. Hint: There were a lot more than 8 Republicans in the Senate at the time. They may have even had enough to pull off a filibuster.

Take your "partisanship" whining and blow it out your butt. Your guys are being intransigent dickweeds, not ours. So shove it.

From the KAR Sports Desk

Not that the NBA is real basketball, but the Pacers are in trouble:

Jermaine O'Neal is expected to miss at least eight weeks with a left groin tear, leaving the Indiana Pacers without their leading scorer and rebounder.

He tore his groin???!!!

YOW!!!!

[Here LearnedFoot crosses his legs in an uncomfortable fashion.]

Yeeeeargh!

Sweet. Holy. Crap.

He tore his groin!

Owie owie owie owie owie!

[Breathing deeply]

Must...put...out...of...my...mind...

I agree with a Star & Sickle letter

Stop the presses. I actually agree with this.

Race should play no role in who runs the schools in Minneapolis, or anywhere.

Remind me why David Jennings was run out of town. That’s right, because leaders in the African-American Community didn’t want a white guy taking over.

These are the same frauds who tripped all over themselves to kiss the feet of Thandiwe Peebles (who just resigned because she is a bigger fraud the so-called leaders).

Anyone who knows anything knows the trifecta of having a superintendent who is a black woman with an African name means great things for the schools.

Of course, she didn’t have the proper credentials. Her education was not what it needed to be and she turned out to be an academic cheat.

That worked out pretty well.

Remind me, again, why David Jennings was run out of town: A man with an impeccable reputation and years of public service under his belt, a man who helped turn the “business” of the Minneapolis schools around.

That’s right, because the black frauds in Minneapolis didn’t like the color of his skin.

I guess we know who the racist pigs are.

Katherine Kersten is a Shameless Hack

I can’t believe the Star Tribune, newspaper of record in the Twin Cities, continues to print the ranting of Katherine Kersten. She is always on the wrong side of the issues, packs her work with lies, and continues to write about people who are evil and a danger to our way of life.

When will the wise editors of this fine paper see fit to remove her from their pages?

Today’s Kersten column is more of the same. Lie after lie spills from this obvious work of fiction.

Does Kersten actually expect us to believe that any woman possessing more than a third grade education would choose to become a nun when the world offers so much more?

Give me a break.

I don’t know how stupid she thinks we are, but who among us really believes that a young, smart woman would choose to live in Siberia and work with the poor.

C’mon, Katherine. People like this don’t really exist and, if they did, they certainly wouldn’t take the time to talk with an evil conservative like you.

Their hate of freedom is getting more obvious

The pointy-headed elites at the Star & Sickle have fired the latest salvo in the Government-should-regulate-every-aspect-of-your-life-except-abortion-battle and they are looking to Blue Cross to lead the way.

I’m going to take this one part by freedom-threatening part:

Editorial: Better lifestyles can reduce health costs
Blue Cross launches "Prevention Minnesota."

I love the “no shit Sherlock” headline. State the obvious, but ignore their conclusion: …And government should force us to live “better lifestyles”

Mark Banks has made Minnesota an offer it shouldn't refuse: lower future health care costs in exchange for committing to a healthier lifestyle. Less smoking, more exercise, better community design, better diet -- that's the deal.

More “no shit” from the elites with a bit of foreshadowing of how involved government should be – “better community design” – but it won’t stop there.

Banks, the CEO of Blue Cross Blue Shield of Minnesota, announced Monday that his company would invest its remaining share of the historic 1994 tobacco settlement -- $241 million -- in preventing diseases caused largely by lifestyle choices. If Minnesotans could just cut their smoking by half, double their exercise, build walkable communities and substitute fruits and vegetables for half of the junk food they eat, then health care costs would decline by $1.5 billion a year, Banks said.

Isn’t that the same $214 million that BC/BS said their policy holders overpaid because of “big tobacco?” The same $214 million they refused to give back to the policy holders who overpaid? Now this charlatan is telling me that he has a way to reduce health care costs by $1.5 billion annually? What he’s not saying is that we will never realize that savings, that it will go directly to the bottom line of his non-profit company.

What sounds so reasonable, however, will require huge doses of personal responsibility and public policy changes.

There it is. Personal responsibility and, because we can’t trust you yahoos to live properly, we need the force of government to make sure you show up at the town square every morning for calisthenics and a 5K run.

People must begin to see their behavior as damaging not only to themselves but to the wider society.

The great rationale for all things increasing government control – your actions, you selfish pigs, damage yourself and “wider society.”

Everyone ends up paying for obesity and the diseases it spawns.

So charge the lard-asses what they owe and leave me out of it.

Everyone ends up paying for the smoking habits of a few.

Again, send them an invoice and leave me alone.

The "right" to indulge in unhealthy behavior is not absolute.

Eat me (that would be unhealthy)! Show me where government has a “right” to regulate how much unhealthy behavior I indulge in. Take a look at the Constitution and show me where what I eat is covered.

Public policy should, at the very least, find ways to reward healthy behavior.

I’ve already figured that out: LEAVE ME ALONE.

A statewide smoking ban in most bars and restaurants would be a good start.

Only a good start? What’s next, smoking bans in our homes, rationing of alcohol so people don’t drink too much. Why don’t we just prohibit the sale, possession and use of tobacco and alcohol? Let’s also ban deep fried foods while we’re at it.

Far higher investments in public transit would help wean people from excessive dependence on driving for every trip.

What? If I’m in the car, on the bus, or riding the train I’m sitting on my ass. So what the hell does public transit have to do with anything? Let’s just ban cars from the roads. We can turn all the roads into walking and bike trails. Will that satisfy your desire to run my life?

Land-use incentives would help communities design walking into people's daily lives.
Communities without sidewalks, parks, neighborhood stores or transit options are not healthy communities.

What a crock of shit this one is. Who makes this crap up? This group of elitist snobs actually advocates that government “design walking into people’s daily lives?” How do we do that? Let’s start by confiscating all the drivers’ licenses.

Schools that promote soft drinks and high-fat, high-sugar menus in their lunch programs are not healthy schools. Governments that tolerate and perpetuate poverty and hopelessness are not healthy governments.

Holy hell. What kind of illegal drugs are these brain-dead morons ingesting? If these assholes want to see an unhealthy government they need look no farther than their friend and comrade Fidel Castro’s Cuba.

Indeed, as the New York Times made so clear in its recent series on Type 2 Diabetes, poverty is a huge driver of disease, caused both by poor people's self-destructive lifestyles and by the market economy's eagerness to provide unhealthy products.

Remember way back at the beginning, when we started wading into this bucket of moonbat vomit, they mentioned – in passing – personal responsibility. Since that one mention all they’ve done is ask government to step in solve the problem.

In a wider sense, the biggest enemy may be people's perceptions -- regardless of income -- that they lack the time in daily life for exercise and a proper diet.

Finally, a shot at the way people choose to live their lives. Maybe I misjudged the pointy-headed ones.

The fast food and tobacco industries play off people’s busy lifestyles. And politicians – increasingly so in Minnesota – emphasize the individual’s right to unhealthy behavior over the wider costs to society.

So much for misjudging. Let’s blame tobacco and fast food. Neither of which people are forced to consume. And damn the politicians who put the rights of the individual first. Screw the unhealthy behavior qualification; these jerks want government to play a much bigger role in regulating every aspect of our lives (except abortion). Let’s rewrite the sentence this way and see how it plays: “And politicians emphasize the individual’s right to engage in offensive speech over wider society’s right to not be offended.” This is where hate speech ordinances come from.
Smugness is another enemy. We Minnesotans love to congratulate ourselves for our middling-to-high ranking on many health indicators. But Banks asks the relevant question: “What if Minnesotans were healthier?”

What if we were healthier? That would be great, but it aint the job of government to force it on us!!

We still have rights! And, God willing, freedom-hating jackasses like you will not change that.

Isn't there just one Lefty out there who feels more than a bit concerned by this? Surely one of you must be uncomfortable by what the S&S PHE's are recommending.

If you are out there, please show yourself. I promise we will take you in and protect you from the vile hatred that will be thrown at you.

Moron Mail

I think if we extrapolated this guy's observation to its logical conclusion, nobody would meet the qualifications to be governor:

Jeffers' motivation

Now I see that outspoken bar owner Sue Jeffers wants to run for governor ("Bar owner, smoking-ban critic is planning to run for governor," Jan. 20). It is very clear to me that the only reason she wants the position is to get rid of a smoking ban that has hurt her business.

Sounds like a conflict of interest to me.

GARCIA VEGA, PLYMOUTH.

Let's check the Minnesota Constitution to see if Jeffers is disqualified:

Art. 5, sec. 2:

TERM OF GOVERNOR AND LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR; QUALIFICATIONS. The term of office for the governor and lieutenant governor is four years and until a successor is chosen and qualified. Each shall have attained the age of 25 years and, shall have been a bona fide resident of the state for one year next preceding his election, and shall be a citizen of the United States.

Furthermore, because the purpose of the govenment of the great state of Minnesota is to dictate to its citizens what is and is not acceptable, eschewing the idea of "participatory democracy," no candidate for the office of governor shall espouse any pet issue that everybody knows might benefit the candidate. Nothing in this section shall be construed to prohibit Independent School District 196 from repeatedly butt-raping its taxpayers.

Well I'll be damned. Garcia is right!

Or rather he would be if I hadn't made that second paragraph up.

Sure most conflicts of interest are verboten. However, there are certain conflicts that are acceptable if disclosed.

The genius of a democratic system is not only that government officials are accountable directly to their constituents via the ballot, but also that there are few legal barriers preventing folks to run themselves. Jeffers' candidacy is refreshing because it is a throwback to the citizen (as opposed to the carreer) politician. She sees the need for an effective advocate on a certain issue. She offers to fill that need.

How eeeeevil!

What really pushes this letter into the "Moron Mail" category is the almost palpable selective indignation inherent in it. Would Garcia here feel the same way if Jeffers decided to run for mayor because the city condemned her house to make way for a more tax-revenue intensive use?

No. Then she'd be a "hero".

But if we applied this dimbulb's "logic" uniformly, then nobody remotely connected with the American Lung Association should be able to run for office either. After all, they'd be able to save all that money they spend on lobbying, ads and public outreach by passing one draconian law. Where would all that extra money go?

Sounds like a conflict of interest to me.

The Blogster Survey

Since MSP Magazine somehow forgot to include bloggers in their Hipster Survey, I thought that I could do my part to fill the void. I request that all bloggers fill out the following survey (modified from the original for this audience, so that the majority of the answers won't be "huh?" or "what? are you gay or something?") to better educate others about what exactly makes a blogster tick.

UPDATED: I added another question.

Other than the Kool Aid Report, what is your fave blog?

What is the best thing you can say about Willie Clark?

Where do you breakfast?

Where do you dinner?

Where do you afternoon snack?

Other than LearnedFoot, who is the hottest male blogger?

Other than Uncle Ben, who is the hottest female blogger?

Wi-fi, cable modem or dialup?

Mitch Berg or JB Doubtless?

Why are you so damn ugly?

Where do you beer?

Arsenal or Everton?

Where do you news?

Why don't you work out? (You really need to.)

What's an arts organization that you've never heard of?

Dude, do you, like, totally party?

Where is your favorite place to stand in line for a free burrito?

Hear me now - whenever I see someone inventing a new meme, it makes me want to X that person in the Y.

If Bob is a turd, what is Kathy Lantry?

I read the article Learnedfoot referenced in his earlier post and agree that Bob is a lying turd.

What wasn’t addressed in the post is a nickname for Kathy Lantry, St. Paul City Council president. Her quote from that same story reveals her complete disinterest in the free market and her belief in the absolute authority of government to do what it will:

“Sometimes there are negative economic impacts and smaller businesses won’t make it, but those conditions could occur even if there isn’t a smoking ban,” she said.

Kathy you are an ignorant, arrogant piece-of-crap moron.

If the economy turns sour and businesses close, or if someone mismanages their business and is forced to shut their doors that is a natural part the free market.

If you can’t see the difference between that and the force of government regulations driving bars and restaurants out of business, then you shouldn’t be allowed to sit on the council, let alone be its president.

How big an idiot must you be to put your decision to screw with peoples lives on the same level as an economic downturn or their own incompetence to operate a profitable business.

You and your f$#&ing comrades on the totalitarian left are a danger to the rights of each and every citizen – whether they see it or not – and you should be drummed out of office at the earliest opportunity.

You make me sick with your condescending bullshit; you and your sycophantic toadies who want the government to protect them from their own shadows and wipe their asses when they load their pants after reading the latest regurgitated monkey spleen-loaded report from the American Lung Association.

It is my hope that each and every one of you go start raving mad from living in hermetically sealed biohazard suits and that you all die from hyper-anxiety brought on by an intense fear leaving your house.

How Not to be an Effective Advocate; or: Bob From the ALA is a Lying Turd

When advocating a cause, one of the most effective techiniques you can employ is to anticipate your opponent's arguments in advance and preemptively refute them.

However, if you decide to not acknowledge your opponent's arguments, it's a really bad idea to lie by affimatively asserting that there is no evidence contrary to your position.

But if you do lie, it is a really REALLY bad idea to link to an article that you use to support your position - and that you just lied about it containing nothing to the contrary - when anybody with a reading ability at 6th grade level and a command of the usage of hyperlinks can expose your lie. It tends to impugn your either cred or your intelligence. Usually both.

Which brings us to Bob "I Look Like Ned Flanders" Moffitt, the local mouthpiece for the American Lung Association (Motto: Saving you from yourself no matter the cost, whether you like it or not.) Those of you who are familiar with the local blogs are already aware of Ubiquitous Bob. For those of you who are not: as far as I can gather, Bob's job consists of doing Technorati searches for the phrase "smoking ban," leaving taunting and propagandistic comments on the posts that turn up from that search, and then making himself invisible whenever someone challenges him on his "facts." Another duty of his is updating the ALA-Minnesota's blog (I am assuming that Bob does the blog here, but it's a safe assumption since the style, tone and content of the postings are very similar to Bob's frequent comment spam. Even if it isn't Bob who updates the blog, whomever it is was cut from the same flaccid substance and deserves ridicule).

Normally, I eschew cheap, facile "gotcha" posts. But in this case, considering the souce and the outright bald-faceyness of the lie, I'm making an exception.

Today, Bob (or whomever) writes (emphasis mine):

Several weeks after the votes were cast, the Minnesota Daily reports on the St. Paul smoking ban. As usual, the intrepid student reporters fanned out, looking for disgruntled bar owners to interview. Oddly enough, they quoted only Minneapolis bar bosses...

And then Bob goes on to quote from the article a statement from the owner of Big 10 Subs (YUMMY!) saying that "everything's peachy!". After the lengthy quote, Bob concludes:

Hmm, cleaner workplace, no loss of business. Sounds like quite an "ordeal" doesn't it?

For "balance" Bob quotes a "liquor lobbyist" who has slight misgivings about the ban. But it's just one guy's opinion. No data or anything.

Flash back to that passage I emphasized in the first paragraph. Now read the article to which he links. Turns out there was a St. Paul "bar boss" interviewed. And he wasn't saying what Bob wanted to hear (emphasis mine):

Brian Miller, manager of Dixies on Grand in St. Paul, said he appreciates that the ban is devoted to his employees’ health and makes for a more enjoyable dining experience. But he said he thinks it should be up to the business owners to decide.

Miller said Dixies’ food sales increased while their liquor sales decreased.

“The smoking ban has significantly hurt our late-night business,” he said.

He said they have a patio with heaters installed so people who want to smoke can step outside and be comfortable.

Get that? Dixie's (also YUMMY!) makes accomodations for their smoking clientelle, yet their business still took a hit.

To recap:

* Bob says nobody in St. Paul was interviewed in the article he cites.

* Bob says cited article revealed no loss of business.

* A bar owner in St. Paul was in fact interviewed in the cited article.

* Interviewed bar owner did say his bar in fact lost business.

THEREFORE

Bob is a lying piece of filth.

NOTE TO BOB: Remember, this blog is designated as "no fascism" only. Every comment you make here subjects you to a $250 fine.

The 4 Most Loathsome People in America

Numbers 4 through 1: Allan Uthman, Paul Jones, Ian Murphy, Chris Riordan

CHARGES: The worst of all creatures in the political Jungle: cretins who think they're geniuses. A foursome of drooling moonbats who repeatedly mistake "tactless" for "clever," and "unfunny" for "funny". They actually believe they are at the apex - the cutting edge - of avant garde intellect, and they let you know about it every chance they get. They are smart, you are dumb. And if you had two brain cells to rub together, you would have realized that by now.

A little self-deprecation can go a long way. Unfortunately that would take precious bandwith that they could otherwise use to tell you how stupid you are.

EXHIBIT A: Number 4 of their 50 most Loathsome People in America list (the BTK killer is #9):

4. You

Charges: Silently enabling and contributing to the irreversible destruction of your planet. Absolving yourself of your responsibility to do anything about it that your immediate neighbors don’t. Assuming that it’s normal behavior to spend several hours each day totally inert and staring into a cathode ray tube. Substituting antidepressants for physical motion. Caring more about the personal relationships of people you will never meet than your own. Shrugging your shoulders at the knowledge that your government is populated by criminal liars intent on fooling you into impoverished, helpless submission. Cheering this process on.

Exhibit A: You don’t even know who your congressman is.

Sentence: Deathbed realization that your entire life was an unending series of stupid mistakes and wasted opportunities, a priceless gift of potential extravagantly squandered, for which you deserve nothing but scorn or, at best, indifference, and a cold, meaningless demise.

SENTENCE: A freak train derailment throws a railroad spike into each of their brains causing them all to fall into a persistent vegetative state. Because they didn't have the foresight to draft an advance directive, and because their families and friends - whom these four have all alienated due to their perpetual condescention - want to enjoy this, they are all kept on a feeding tube for 20 years.

Galloway Update

Because we are your Fire-Engine-Red-Leotarded-Shmoo leader, we direct you to the further coverage of Gallowayspandexgate:

More Photoshop chicanery. (Did anybody notice our new header art?)

Sisyphus has a top 11 list.

The KAR Great Debate Series

MODERATOR: Hello and welcome to this, the first of KAR's Great Debates series. Today's topic is: Will the Seattle Seahawks will win the Super Bowl? Taking the "yes" position is LearnedFoot. British MP George Galloway will be arguing in the negative. The contestants will begin with a two-minute opening statement. Mr. Foot, you may begin.

LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you, Bernie. The Seahawks will win the Super Bowl this year. There are many reasons to believe this will be the outcome: they have one of the best coaches in the league, they have the best running back and quarterback in the NFL, and they have a very underrated defense. Now, there are those that will say that the Steelers are red-hot with a stifling defense. Many will point to the almost super-human play of Pittsburgh linebacker Troy Paaalomofo Pallomallo Papaumawmaw-o Banaiaiaian, er, you know - the dude with the hair. But I submit that history shows that when the West Coast Offense is run to near-perfection with superior personnel, no defense can stop it. The Seahawks are in such a position right now.

MODERATOR: Your opening statement, Mr. Galloway?

GEORGE GALLOWAY: I know that standards have slipped over the last few years in Washington but for a lawyer you are remarkably cavalier with any idea of justice. In everything I said... I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong.

LF: Justice? Justice? Are you asserting that the Steelers have some right or entitlement to this championship? That may be the most elitist and presumptuous thing I have ever heard! Oh and by the way, Washington isn't even in the Super Bowl. They barely even made the playoffs. And I'd also like to hear your argument as to why Bill Cowher is a better coach than Mike Holmgren.

GG: He's all washed up, like Sonny Liston.

LF: Are you freaking kidding me? He took a dead-in-the-water franchise and took it to the Super Bowl within 5 years!

GG: What we have witnessed is something unique in natural history. It's the first metamorphosis of a butterfly back into a slug.

LF: While I might agree that leaving the Packers for another team is tantamount to coaching de-evolution, it doesn't diminish the success that Holmgren has had at that historically sorry franchise. Do you think it was luck? Do you think the Seahawks success came out of thin air?

GG: You may believe [it] came out of a clear blue sky. But [it] came out of a swamp of hatred created by us!

LF: First of all, I just said that I didn't believe it came out of the clear blue sky! Second of all, what in the hell are you talking about? And while I still have the floor, may I point out to the judges that Mr. Galloway as is his custom - is long on rhetorical flourishes but has yet to back up one assertion he has made. Shit, I don't even think he's made an assertion yet!

GG: This is the mother of all smoke screens!

LF: *sigh*

GG: You're a drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay! Your hands are shaking. You badly need another drink.

LF: "Popinjay." Heh! That means a lot coming from a jerk-off wearing a red-spandex leotard. And yes, I have been known to have a snifter of brandy at Christmas, and I may even have a beer or two during while watching the big game. Remember that -the Super Bowl - the subject of this debate? But I am hardly "drink-soaked." And as for the "Trotskyite" remark -

GG: You traduced my name around the world without ever having asked me a single question, without ever having contacted me, without ever having written to me -

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: THAT IT!!!!! ME HAD ENOUGH!!! ME HATE YOU, AND ME WANT YOU TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dementee leaps to the stage and eats Galloway]

MODERATOR: Let's call it a draw. We hope to see you back again for our next installment of KAR's Great Debates.

(NOTE: All of GG's quotes used herein can be found here here or here.)

Fade to Blackberry

You are too cool for school. You've got that sweet bomber jacket, your hair slicked back and your Wayfarers on, baby. And when you're not wearing those Ray Bans, you wear those fly non-prescription glasses that are tinted ever-so-slightly yellow like Bono often wears. You are the president of the Avril Lavigne fan club ("The Sk8er Boi Network"), and you were the first person in your neighborhood to get the X-box 360. The world is your ashtray.

Oh, and you are geared up with your Blackberry. You are hooked up, logged on, plugged in. Your thumbs do more before 9 am than most people's entire bodies do all day. You get text-messaged so often that sometimes your peeps have to queue up in the ether to fire you an abreviation-laden snark.

Uh oh:

The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday rejected an appeal by Research In Motion Ltd., leaving intact a patent-infringement ruling that threatens to shut down BlackBerry e-mail service to as many as 3 million of the company's U.S. customers.

The justices, without comment in Washington, refused to consider RIM's arguments that a federal appeals court improperly extended U.S. patent law to cover the service, whose central computers are in Canada.

The rebuff leaves the company with a dwindling number of opportunities to avert having to halt its U.S. service. A federal judge in Richmond, Va., is considering a shutdown after a jury concluded that RIM infringed patents held by NTP Inc.

And then your world comes crashing down around you. Bomber jackets go out of style. Your slicked-back hair makes you look like a goomba with acne. You discover that everybody thinks those stupid yellow glasses are dorky.

But you take solace in the realization that you really don't need to have the ability to electronically fire cryptic messages to others while sitting on the can. Hell, the person in charge of organizing Avril Lavigne's various fan clubs actually used the U.S. mail to send you that certified letter informing you that Avril was tired of the stalking and was getting a restraining order against you.

Life goes on.

(Kool Aid Toast to da Spizzonge.)

Bi-curious George

Brit pol George Galloway on Christopher Hitchens, September, 2005:

You once were a beautiful butterfly. Now, you are a slug!

Blogger LearnedFoot on George Galloway, January, 2006:

You once were a corrupt flaming moonbat. Now, you are a retarded-looking gay robot, dancing with a transvestite:

Snort.

UPON REFLECTION: You know, the word "uberphotoshopable" is thrown around a lot. But I think in this case, use of that word would hardly be an overstatement. I forsee George getting into some zany hijinks with Kool Aid Guy for weeks to come.

Burned out Star Jones

Amazing, isn’t it, how stupid some people can be without knowing it. By now we’ve all heard about OBL’s latest tape and the reaction surrounding it. I even posted about it and how I thought the usual suspects would react. What I didn’t expect was this stream of idiocy from Star Jones as spewed on The View:

"You know what? At some point, one of these men has to put it back in his pants and zip up the zipper,"

I won’t say Star Jones is an ignoramus, she proves it by opening her mouth. What level of moron has one reached when they can distill the war against murdering Islamofascist dirtball pigs to a fight between two men trying to prove which has the bigger penis?

How can is it that this woman still has a job today. I don’t give a damn what she said, but I’m producing that show I sure as hell care about the credibility of the hosts and the program and as long as she is on the air making brainless statements like this neither has any credibility.

"I won't trust him, but anything that gives me the opportunity to seek peace, I would at least check it out.

Star, darling, where is the opportunity for peace when you’re dealing with someone who can’t be trusted. The only way to achieve the peace is to destroy that the evil bastarde and every one of their murdering followers,

"You don't negotiate," Jones interrupted, "but I do think you figure out when there is a solution that's diplomatic that doesn't result in [loss of] human life.

This woman was a Brooklyn prosecutor? I would love to see her conviction record. Hey, shit-for-brains, how can you seek a diplomatic solution while refusing to negotiate? Diplomacy and negotiation are the same thing you FREAKING IDIOT. What piece of crap law school did you go to? Did you get your diploma from one of those online schools that promise no tests? How much did it cost you - $59.99.

"What do we have to lose to check it out?" Star said.

I know the answer to this one: Thousands of innocent lives around the world. That’s what we have to lose. Were you not paying attention to the news in September of 2001?

"You know what?" she then added, "At some point, one of these men has to put it back in his pants and zip up the zipper at some point."

I known I put this at the top of the list, but it’s too damned good to use only once.

Star Jones is a walking, talking contradiction: Don’t trust OBL, but it is an opportunity for peace. Don’t negotiate, but find a diplomatic solution.

How great is America that you can utter such moronic statements on TV and get paid obscene amount of money to do it?

Moron Mail Super Quiz

NOTE: The Monday Moron Mail Mad Lib is on a brief hiatus, while KAR brings you this special edition interactive quiz.

Answer the following question:

Which of the following was an actual letter to the Strib published on Sunday?

A) It seems to me that every time the Bush administration's fortunes fall to new lows, his old friend Osama sends us another message letting us know how safe Big Brother has kept us. I hate to sound too partisan, but how many of these does Mr. Rove have saved for future consumption?

ELMER FUDD, MINNEAPOLIS.

B) Okay, here's what I've discovered: the Rand Corporation, in conjuction with the saucer people, uder the supervision of the reverse vampires, are FORCING our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!

We're through the looking glass here, people!

MILHOUS VAN HOUTEN, SPRINGFIELD.

C) Hey Guido. It's all so clear to me now: I'm the keeper of the cheese. And you're the lemon merchant.

Get it?

And he knows it. That's why he's gonna kill us. So we have to beat it. Before he lets loose the marmosets on us!

REN HOECK, HOLLYWOOD YUGOSLAVIA.

D) Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your quote-unquote "pollution control". I heard on talk radio you don't even need 'em. They're just an egghead government plot.

Open up your eyes, people! They're trying to control global warming!

Get it? GLO-BAL!

That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what temperature it's going to be in our outdoors. I say, let the world warm up! See what Boutros Boutros-By-Golly thinks about that! We'll grow oranges in Alaska!

RUSTY SHACKLEFORD, ARLEN.

E) All of the above.

F) None of the above.

...

ANSWER: A. While B, C, and D were all actually written (and later uttered) by someone, only the letter in answer A actually appeared in the Strib.

Are You Ready to Mock the Nihilist?

You only have 3 more NFL tilts to bet on this year. That means you need to make the most of every opportunity. If you followed The System I laid out last week, you cannot go wrong. Here's a recap of how the system works:

1) Read the Nihilist in Golf Pants (something you should do anyway) to ascertain the Nihilist's picks of the week.

2) Bet the opposite.

NIGP's picks for the NFC and AFC championship games are:

Broncos -3 1/2 v. Steelers
Panthers +5 1/2 @ Seahawks

Which means your bets should be:

Steelers +3 1/2 @ Broncos
Seahawks -5 1/2 v. Panthaz

As a matter of fact, those look so good, I'd hook 'em.

Best of luck to all adherents of The System.

UPDATE:

Seattle 34, Carolina 14
Pittsburgh 34, Denver 17

And thus the superiority of The System (or as Elder calls it, NABS - Nihilist Anti-lock Betting System) is proven. 5 and 1 against the spread over the last 2 weeks. Phenomenal!

What makes NABS extra-important is that the opening line for the Super Bowl is Pittsburgh -4. Nobody knows what to make of this line. Puzzled bettors everywhere should be paying close attention to the Nihilist in Golf Pants over the next two weeks to see how he comes out on this game. We here at the KAR Sports Desk will be.

Burning Down the Blog House

I think the consensus of most bloggers ("most bloggers" being defined as me, Mitch Berg and Clever Sponge) think the Strib's newish Saturday blog feature "The Blog House" sucks. And after reading today's and last week's installment, I think the only debatable issue about BH's author Tim O'Brien's political leanings is how often he strays from the Democrat reservation to vote Green.

Anyhow, since the BH is destined for oblivion (it cleared the shark a week or so ago when O'Brien condescendingly tried to tell us what a blog "should be," and got it wrong by answering something other than "an application wherein you can write stuff and then have it posted on the internet"), I'll pick up the slack with my whirlwind blogosphere week in review. I promise mine will be better. I shall call it "Blog Mart".

the blog mart learnedfoot

Bloggers write on a variety of topics

Debate Rages on Wiretapping

Discussion about domestic surveillance rebriskified (it's my Blog Mart, I can make up words if I want) this week fueled by the results of a new opinion poll that reported some 60% of the American people thought Bush should be impeached if his warrantless wiretapping program broke any laws. Bloggers on the left reiterated their position that this practice was worse than suspending habeas corpus, Japanese internment and flying airplanes into tall buildings combined. Bloggers on the right dismissed such hyperbole, sticking to their position that tapping was preferable to canned or bottled wires.

In a weird coincidence, a recently released poll by the Kool Aid Report blog (1) showed that the same percentage of Americans would support throwing George Soros in jail if raping goats is against the law.

Al Gore opens piehole. Again.

Of the seven bloggers who noticed, the left-leaning ones predictably hailed the speech as a call to arms while the right-leaning blogs dismissed Gore's diatribe as the ramblings of a sore loser. However, both sides did agree that the former vice president remains a "massive tool."

Bloggers travel places.

A new cheap web thing caused much discussion about the states bloggers have visited. Doug Williams of Bogus Gold blog (2) is a light traveler, having only visited some 14 states. However, Muzzy of Blogizdat blog (3), has been to all but nine states.

Jacking off to Abramoff.

Lefty blogs continued demonstrating their lack of familiarity with the English language when writing about the Jack Abramoff imbroglio, calling it a GOP scandal. They dismissed righty blogs that pointed out that the disgraced lobbyist funneled all kinds of donations from his clients to Democrat politicians, saying "Oh yeah? Well, all of Abramoff's personal donations went to Republicans. So there. Nyah nyah nyah nyah!" The Learned Foot of Kool Aid Report blog (4) helpfully offered that maybe the lefties ought to look up the word "lobbyist" in the dictionary, so that they can educate themselves as to the purpose of that occupation, and see that the taint carried by donations transmitted through Abramoff is just as bad as the taint on donations from the man himself. The Learned Foot blogger also suggested that while they had the dictionary open, they may want to review the definitions of "lie" and "torture".

Osama opens piehole. Again.

The Nihilist in Golf Pants blog (5) proposed the top 11 highlights of the terrorist mastermind's new audio tape. One of those highlights, wrote blogger Sisyphus, was "Is 'troubled’ by the Alito nomination." However, the money quote of the post came in the comment thread, where the LearnedFoot from the Kool Aid Report blog (6) proposed an item that was omitted from the original list: "12. Comes out in favor of Caliphite-wide smoking ban."


SEE FOR YOURSELF HOW TO FIND BLOGS ONLINE:

1 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
2 Bogus Gold - http://bogusgold.com/
3 Blogizdat - http://blogizdat.blogspot.com
4 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/
5 The Nihilist in Golf Pants - http://nihlist.blogspot.com
6 The Kool Aid Report - http://koolaidreport.blogspot.com/

THE BLOGS IN ANALOG: COMBACK FOR THE STARLAND VOCAL BAND?

Absolute Zero.

Despite a local blog trotting out that super-gay song Afternoon Delight once again, a loss at Short Bus Trivia and the failure of it's use to garner even one comment or link, portend doom for a once promissing weapon. Looks like the blog that once won acclaim for being the first to successfully harness the awesome destructive power of the Starland Vocal Band will have to go back to the drawing board. "My motto's always been: 'when it's right, it's right,'" indeed.

Update on the first food entry

Rmember this one from earlier today. She’s on the Garage Logic with Joe now and, surprise, surprise; she’s a Member of the Green Party.

Who’d a thunk that one.

She wants to award classrooms for signing on the Twain for Twinkies policy with, get this, a certificate they can hang on the door that says, “We’re a healthy classroom.”

She’s a freak.

Now she’s on to the “peer pressure” canard: Worried that even moms and dads who want to stay healthy will feel pressure to send the kid to school with Ho-Hos.

Undeterred, she still thinks it’s the job of the state to keep cake from the mouths of her babes.

Give me a break you Greenie Freak.

We missed the coronation.

Funny how the media lined up to take shots at the GOPers who came out early to endorse Mark Kennedy for the senate seat being vacated by the vacuous Mark Dayton, yet I’ve heard no such screams over the many endorsements Amy Klobuchar has gathered.

The article in the Star & Sickle is about Patty Wetterling, but there are a couple of other interesting tidbits:

Klobuchar has been racking up endorsements by large labor groups and was endorsed this week by U.S. Rep. James Oberstar, whose northern Eighth District is a pivotal one for DFLers.

In addition, EMILY's List, the women's fundraising group that typically supports all Democratic, abortion-rights female candidates, reached into the Minnesota race early to back Klobuchar over Wetterling.

Where are the screams of “coronation”, “anointing”, “the people have been shut out of the process”?

Where is the gnashing of teeth that happened when Kennedy was endorsed?

Why do I even ask the question?

Do I really think I’ll get an answer, one that makes sense?

Hell no

Moron Mail: We Apologize for Allowing You to Give Us the Impression that You're a Bunch of Man-Hating Harpies

This one was fun:

Regarding Mona Charen's Jan. 17 Opinion Exchange article, "Feminism: the wolf in sheep's clothing": Is the Star Tribune serious?

Charen's column is just a right-wing character assassination of women who want fair wages, decent health care, control over their own bodies and respect. According to Charen, feminists are man-hating-yet-promiscuous, miserable women intent on destroying marriage and families. Do they also have hateful, glowing eyes and hooves instead of feet? Do they eat babies?

There's not enough space to list the statistical evidence that debunks Charen's (and Kate O'Beirne's) rather silly claims about equal pay, marriage, promiscuity, day care and, of course, [CAUTION: IRONY ALERT! -ed.] the "humorlessness" of feminist women. For more ["More information?" You didn't give us any in the first place. You just said there wasn't enough space to list it all. And then you didn't. -ed] information that might debunk "the debunker," read "Backlash," the great, fact-filled [I'll take your word on that. -ed.] book written by Pulitzer-Prize winning reporter Susan Faludi.

Feminists are everyday women who just want some respect. Star Tribune, we love you, but you've got to be kidding.

JENNIFER IHEARTMYVAGINA, MINNEAPOLIS.

I wonder where anybody got the idea that feminists were a bunch of miserable and mirthless man-haters?

"All men are rapists and that's all they are" - Marilyn French, Author

"I feel that 'man-hating' is an honorable and viable political act, that the oppressed have a right to class-hatred against the class that is oppressing them." - Robin Morgan, MS. Magazine Editor

Swiftee's fave:

"Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women's bodies." -- Andrea Dworkin

"Men who are unjustly accused of rape can sometime gain from the experience," - Catherine Comins, Vassar College Dean

"MALE: ...represents a variant of or deviation from the category of female. The first males were mutants... the male sex represents a degeneration and deformity of the female." - A Feminist Dictionary, ed. Kramarae & Treichler, Pandora Press, 1985. (Found here.)

Oh hell, just go here. Or here. Or, do a google search.

Again, we variants and deviants wish to express our regret that the most vocal and radical among you were allowed (by us, I'm assuming) to hijack a legitimate cause.

More from the food wars

I love the Junk Science column at www.foxnews.com. Steve Malloy does a great job of laying bare the lies coming from the do-gooders who spend their days wringing their hands over every perceived threat.

Now the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) is going after SpongeBob Squarepants. You’ll remember CSPI as the crew that alerted the world to the fact that movie theater popcorn with melted butter is, gasp, high in fat and not good for you.

No shit, Sherlock.

I can’t believe these morons get any coverage at all. Blaming advertising for making kids fat and unhealthy is so damned ridiculous, but they get press with every worthless press release they put out.

Here’s what I do when my kids want to fill up on junk:

“No, you can’t have that sucker.”
“Sorry son, you’ve had enough garbage.”
“If you want a snack, it has to be something that’s good for you.”
“You cannot have a treat because you didn’t eat your dinner.”
“Put the Sugar Smacks back. We’re not buying that crap.”

I know it’s difficult to say “no” to the little angels, but say it we must and say it I do. Sure the bride and I have to put up with whining and crying on occasion, but it’s better than having fat kids with high blood pressure and diabetes.

But not all of us have the spine to say “No.” Here’s what one suing, gutless mother had to say:

“Critics argue it’s up to the parent to ‘just say no.’ Many times this is easier said than done, especially with strong-willed children, which I happen to have. Sometimes compromise is necessary to preserve my sanity… No reasonable parent would reach for SpongeBob pop tarts with fluorescent blue frosting unless they have a child nagging to buy them some.”

Try saying no you stupid bitch. Give the little brats some boundaries have the backbone to put up with the pissing and moaning. If they don't shut up a had across the butt will do the trick.

Be a goddamned parent for once and instill a little discipline.

Parental licensing advocates have found their poster-mom.

Like the dumb-ass broad in my earlier post, this woman has no desire to raise her kids. She’d rather give into them out of guilt and then sue food companies when her kids end up as single, toothless, fatties living in a trailer park because no one wants anything to do with the ugly freaks.

Go ahead and screw up your kids and set them up to fail. That'll leave stuff more for mine to accumulate when the enter the real world.

Hello Government? Would you be my kids’ parent?

Our kids are getting fat and contracting diabetes from the birthday treats their classmates distribute at school and the State should do ban the practice.

That is the conclusion of a heavily deluded woman by the name of Julie Risser of Edina.

A few excerpts:

Here's hoping candidates for public office consider the costly and lethal fallout from diabetes stated in your Jan. 17 editorial; here's hoping they get the need to "insist on habit-changing help from every public and private enterprise that can give it."

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have state policy that encouraged parents to drop the birthday treats and have children bring in their favorite book instead?

We could promote a love of literacy instead of contributing to a costly epidemic. It seems so logical; after all, education frequently competes for health care dollars.

My turn but, first, a question:

If kids have been bringing Tootsie Pops and cookies to school for years to celebrate their birthdays, why is it the problem of obesity and diabetes is a recent phenomenon?

Could it be because parents such as Julie Risser of Edina allow her children to sit on their asses playing video games for hours on end only to be followed by frying their brains on worthless television programs after dinner – which probably consists of high fat, low nutrition crap picked up at a drive through window because Julie and her overachieving husband both work full time to afford the mortgage on the larger-than-necessary-house and the toys needed to keep up appearances and therefore don’t have the time to cook a proper dinner for their ever-expanding children.

Or maybe it’s because Julie Risser and her overachieving husband ply their children with treats bathed in high fructose corn syrup to keep them happy and to assuage the guilt they suffer for having put the tykes into a kiddy mill – aka daycare center – so mommy could work full-time rather than raise their own kids.

Here’s my suggestion – grab your fat-assed kid by the ear and shove him/her into the yard. Force them to actually run and play. Make the little urchin break a sweat. Running in a video game is not the same.

And for God’s sake, raise your own damned kids. Stop looking to the government to act as the parent you won’t be. Stop abdicating the responsibility you and your husband took on when he knocked you up.

What’s next, a government supplied monitor to hover over Johnny and Susie to make sure they do their homework. Lord knows it would free up more time you can spend “finding yourself.”

Rhetoric Probably Not Separated at Birth

Unshaven "documentary" director Michael Moore:

There is no terrorist threat!

Unshaven al-Qaeda director Osama bin Laden:

Operations are in preparation and you will see them on your own ground once the preparations are finished, God willing.

Rhetoric Separated at Birth 3

Porky Democrat Bobo Columnist Molly Ivins (randomly picked quote from dozens of similar ones):

It does seem a little silly, though, to call for "complete victory" without acknowledging that the war itself is not going well. The number of attacks on American and Iraqi troops per day, rather a clear indicator, simply grows steadily worse.

Svelte Wahabi Islam Bobo Mass Murderer Osama bin Laden:

In my response to these fallacies, I say: The war in Iraq is raging and operations in Afghanistan are on the rise in our favour, praise be to God.

The Pentagon figures indicate the rise in the number of your dead and wounded, let alone the huge material losses.

I am beginning to see a pattern here.

Rhetoric Seperated at Birth 2

Terrorist Nutjob Osama bin Laden:

However, what prompted me to speak are the repeated fallacies of your President Bush in his comment on the outcome of US opinion polls, which indicated that the overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of the forces from Iraq... I say that the results of the poll satisfy sane people and that Bush's objection to them is false.

and

Pacifist Nutjob Tom Hayden:

The media and politicians acknowledge something they call "public opinion" without ever associating it with the anti-war movement.

***

A slight majority of Americans are with us. We need to convince the unconvinced that it is time to implement an exit strategy.

This is the end

If you thought the Democrats were in trouble now, just wait few hours.

This offer from OBL will send the moonbat left into a frenzy.

Every out-of-touch peacenik from Cindy Sheehan to Michael Moore and Jimmy Carter will be running for the microphones to claim that the war is over because OBL - the second most dangerous terrorist in the world – has offered a truce.

Of course, their praise of the little towel-headed bastard will be followed by cries for the crucifixion of W because he will tell OBL exactly what he can do with his offer, as he should.

The entire episode will serve only to move the already marginalized Democrat party closer the brink of extinction when John Fing Kerry,Teddy “Pour Me Another” Kennedy and John Murtha lock arms to sing “Allah My Love”.

Rhetoric Separated at Birth

You decide:

Barbra Streisand

and...

Osama bin Laden

Alas, they are only fraternal twins:

Osama never calls Bush a "liar".

BREAKING NEWS

A new audio tape from Osama bin Laden (or, more likely, the Afghani eqivalent of Rich Little) has just been released. Our crack staff of researchers and translators here at KAR have been feverishly working to produce an accurate translation of the tape. The most important passage is excerpted below:

By Allah, gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight. Gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night? When everything's a little clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is always gonna be there any way.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight, Allah willing.

Developing...

The KAR Good Ole Boy Funtime Moonshine Hillbilly Hoedown Sing-along Jamboree

BILL: Everybody ready for our Thursday madrigal?

HEAD O' ALFREDO GARCIA: I brought my jaw harp!

LEARNEDFOOT: You play the jaw harp?

HOAG: Yes. I play 735 different instruments.

BILL: Alrightee, then. Start it up Head.

HOAG: [playing jaw harp] Boing de de boing de de boing de de boing...

BILL: A one, and a two, and a one two three...

[Singing]

LF: Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight; gonna grab some afternoon delight.

BILL: My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.

HOAG: When everything's a little clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is always gonna be there any way.

SPECIAL GUEST VOCALIST, J.B. DOUBTLESS: Skyrockets in flight!

BILL: Yee hah!

JB: Afternoon delight!

EVERYBODY: A-a-afternoon delight!

JAW HARP: Boing de de boing de de boing de de boing de de...

DEMENTEE: THINK OF YOU WORK UP APPETITE!!!!!!! LOOK FORWARD TO LITTLE AFTERNOON DELIGHT!!!

LF: Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite; and the thought of rubbin' you-

I am NOT singing the rest of that f***ing line!

JB: Skyrockets in flight!

BILL: Yee hah!

JB: Afternoon delight!

EVERYBODY: A-a-afternoon delight.

JAW HARP: Boing de de boing de de boing de de boing de de...

BILL: Started out this morning feeling so polite; I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite.

DEM: BUT YOU GOT BAIT A-WAITING AND ME THINK ME MIGHT TRY NIBBLE LITTLE AFTERNOON DELIGHT!!!!!!!!

JB: Skyrockets in flight!

BILL: Yee hah!

JB: Afternoon delight!

EVERYBODY: A-a-afternoon delight!

[Jaw harp solo]

LF: Please be waiting for me baby when I come around. We could make a lot of lovin' 'fore the sun goes down.

EVERYBODY: Sky rockets in flight!

BILL: Yee hah!

EVERYBODY: Afternoon delight! A-a-afternoon delight! A-a-afternoon delight!

[Clapping]

BILL: Great job everybody! And thanks for dropping by to sing with us, JB.

JB: Wouldn't have missed it for anything. Afternoon Delight is one of the best songs ever written. (*) Do you always have these Thursday hoedowns?

LF: Nah. We only drag out the Starland Vocal Band when it's absolutely necessary. It has proven to be very effective.

JB: Ah, I see.

* Actual opinion held by JB Doubtless.

This Is Something You Would Normally Read About At Residual Forces, But Since You Probably Wouldn't Be Able to Decipher Andy's Spelling, I'll Do It

6th CD Republican candidate Jay Esmay now has a blog.

Great blogroll.

I got your ban right here

Yet another letter fawning over the recent smoking ban found its way into the SPPP today.

Who’d a thunk it?

This one comes from Lashell Barnes of St. Paul. Lashell is happy that our children will no longer be exposed to secondhand smoke while bellied up to the bar.

Now, I’d like to propose a new ban: One that really will solve a physical and mental public health crisis.

I propose we ban the noxious fumes emitted when Lashell and his/her like-minded Fascist friends spew their worthless, goddamned opinions.

Keep you brats out of the bars, Lashell. Let them drink at home where the only foul air they’ll be exposed to is the anti-freedom bullshit you cough up.

I am so damned sick and tired of reading letters from the nanny-state loving, do-gooders who think government should have unlimited power to protect them from every possible danger.

Put on your hardhat, Lashell, an acorn might fall from that mighty oak and strike you in the noggin. Don’t forget to put on your spiked shoes. You might slip on the ice and hurt yourself.

Get off our backs you pigs!!! Live you cloistered, hyper-protective little lives by yourselves, have food brought in – make sure it’s been sterilized first, and leave the rest of us alone.

You hover over your children protecting them from every threat – real and, in this case, imagined. You are turning the little nippers into psychos that are incapable of surviving in the real world.

You’re turning out a bunch of antisocial beings that are afraid of their own shadows.

My kids are going to run roughshod over yours because they’ve experienced and survived difficulties. They understand and welcome competition.

They see the world as something to conquer, not to fear.

Your kids are screwed.

(insert diabolical laughter here)

Creating the Safest City in the World

Since St. Paul's new Glorious Mayor and his politiburo on the city council wasted no time passing a law to protect us from hypothetical and attenuated dangers caused by the legal behavior of others, here are some other environmental externalities that need to be eliminated by law, so that we may all live a life free of risk or injury. I have omited the obvious ones such as restrictions on cars, fatty foods, alcohol and firearms since the St. Paul city government is already cognizant of them, and we'll probably be seeing action on those issues soon:

* Many buildings and homes in St. Paul have stairs. Every year, hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of people fall down stairs. This often causes severe injury or even death! Therefore, the building codes need to be updated to require that all stairs and the area at the base of a staircase be covered with a one-foot-thick overlay of nerf.

* St. Paul has many golf courses within her borders. Every year, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of golfers and grounds crew employees are smacked by an errant golf ball. This can often cause severe injury, or maybe even death! The city must pass an ordinance prohibiting the use of conventional hard (surlyn covered) golf balls. Golfers may still enjoy a round using whiffle or nerf balls.

* It is a well known fact that a child can drown in as little as four inches of water. The government should update the building codes to prohibit the use of bathtubs deeper than three and one-half inches.

* Every year, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people die or are injured when they slip and fall in the shower or bathtub. Therefore, the building codes should be further updated to require that all bathtub and shower surfaces are made out of nerf.

* The 35E - 94 Interchange is a 500-car-pileup-of-flaming-death waiting to happen. Cover it with nerf.

* Every day thousands of St. Paulites cook their own meals at home. Since many of these citizens prepare food not only for themselves, but also for their family and frequently their guests, the dangers of spreading food-borne illnesses from poorly prepared food and unclean kitchens are of great concern. Because all citizens need to be protected from food-borne illnesses, private residents who cook their own food and serve it to others must be held to the same health standards as restaurants. The city must pass a law to this effect, and hire a horde of health inspectors to enforce it with random inspections.

* Every year hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people are scalded by deep fryer grease, and studies show that those who are forced to work over them several hours a day have a high likelihood of developing severe acne. If the Healthy Arteries Ordinance of 2007 should somehow have trouble passing, it is still imparative that these devices be banned with all due speed.

* Every year hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people are severly injured or killed when slipping or falling off of bicycles onto hard sidewalk and street surfaces. Cover them all with nerf.

Foreshadowing By Haiku

And so it begins...

Skyrockets in flight,
Afternoon delight! A - A -
Afternoon delight!

Considering the Source

Just a totally random thought that just leapt into my head unprovoked:

Anybody who routinely writes crap like:

No one's more chickenshit than a bunch of chickenhawks who have been proven wrong on Iraq for three fucking years now...

and has weekly, sometimes daily, posts which feature little more than some version or other of:

Assrocket is a lying motherfucker

while "proving" his, er, assertion with a link to another tinfoil hat-wearing leftyblog (who in turn "proves" his assertion with a link to another tinfoil hat wearing leftyblog, ad nauseum), really hasn't positioned himself well enough to cast aspersions at the "critical thinking" skills of others.

Someone who runs his mouth like that might get bitch slapped by Swiftee. Hypothetically.

Completely random. Really.

A Completely Random, Informal Poll

Is anybody planning on going to Keegan's on Thursday?

Please answer in comments (yes, you too Brian. Then you can go back to sneering at me.)

An Oompa Loompa Tribute to the "Mayor" of Chocolatetown

Sung to the tune of the Oompa Loompa Song.

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me

What do you get when your mayor's a twit?
Saying that New Orleans should be all "Chocolate".
If Mayor Daley said Chicago should be all white,
They'd hang him from the el in the middle of the night.

Nagin sounds like a segregationist

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not a moron, you will go far
You'll not make an ass of yourself
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-delf

System Flush

As a public service to those of you who didn't take my advice and actually read Susan Lenfestey's latest dispatch from the Perpetually Sneering Community, I offer you a dose of pulchritude to soothe your souls - a recent picture of The Boy:

Secretly plotting the destruction of our DVD player, no doubt.

God's Message for Susan Lenfestey

As long as God had me on the horn, He wanted me to to transmit His displeasure to frequent Strib drooling idiot contributor, Susan Lenfestey. While the excerpt of Lenfestey's opinion piece (of shit) that God links to below is bad enough, it is by far not the most brain-meltingly dumb part of the spiteful, factually and logically challenged column. Therefore readers are advised to, as always, use caution when clicking through and reading her drivel.

Dear Loser,

Today, I read that you wrote the following:

But the agonizing vigil in West Virginia, with its soaring uplift of a false miracle making the plunge into sodden grief all the more wrenching, did have a way of calling both Bush and God into question.

Oh yeah? Well question this.

BTW, you may want to watch out for that refrigerator-sized meteorite vectoring toward your head.

Oops, too late.

Ffffssssstssssssssssscccchhhhhhtttttttttttttttt....

BLA-FLOOM-SKLORCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(PROPHET's NOTE: this is the closest approximation I could make to the sound of a flaming meteorite flattening an effete elitist spite-filled harpy to one twenty-eighth of an inch and then incinerating her.)

No hard feelings? Good.

Warm regards,

God

FURTHER PROPHET'S NOTE: Unlike the messages to Pat Robertson and "Mayor" Nagin, the preceding was merely a figment of my imagination - a cathartic release that needed to be vented after years of subjecting myself to Susan's pathetic MoveOn-approved rantings. Susan is still alive and remains her old miserable self, unscathed by space debris.

MENSA is on a Roll

The Minnesota chapter MENSA is overflowing with new members.

I can’t imagine the odds of this: Different letters in different papers, published on the same day both illustrating the same incredible grasp of logical analysis.
God love the SPPP for printing this rare example of brilliance:

Low taxes vs. saving lives
A Pentagon study reveals that the lives of hundreds of our troops could have been saved if the latest technology body armor and armored vehicles had been made available ("Some soldiers say more armor would decrease mobility," Jan. 8). Although the improved armor slightly restricts movement, it's clear most troops want it and the better armored vehicles.

Clearly, the big reason for the Pentagon's dilatory performance is the cost. Apparently, a low tax rate is more important than the best armor. Yes, indeed: "We support our troops." We can prove it by the little ribbons on our cars.

DON MAGER
Mendota Heights

“Clearly, the big reason for the Pentagon's dilatory performance is the cost. Apparently, a low tax rate is more important than the best armor."

Oh, shut the hell up you jackass.

Can you cite a source to prove your contention? If not, go the hell away.

First of all, the Pentagon has yet to complain about being under-funded due to tax cuts. Secondly, read the reports again and you’ll find that many, if not most soldiers don’t want the armor because it restricts movement.

I don’t’ know how you can write, “It’s clear most troops want it [more armor]…”. Clear to whom and based on what?

I get such a kick out of you Lefties. You take one anecdote and make it a universal by applying it across the board. Are you that stupid or do you believe the rest of us are.

You think it’s the latter and by doing so prove the former.

Maybe you and Bill can take a hike together.

Life on the House Plantation

In which a Senator, thick in the ankles, visits and peruses the goings-on, custom and ways of the House of Representatives Plantation.

"My eye first beheld a pack of 5 female Crats yoked in all manner of voluminous paper: resolutions, amendments and bills; carrying them to and fro in methodic fashion. One female Crat, her name "Nancy", of whom the earlier-mentioned Crats were in her charge, barked at them, permitting no dawdle or delay and chastising those whose message departed from the memo issued from her office that day.

"I then took to the gallery area from which vantage I could see the whole of the operation. Standing behind them and over them, I noted the Crats sitting or milling below me and to my left numbered about 250, but no more, and were out-plentied by the "Massas" who congregated to my right. The Massas appeared stern in their mien, capriciously suppressing the Crats by turning away their proposals by manner of a plenary vote, for the Crats were outnumbered and powerless to resist. I too was unable to object to it, since these are the ways of our government and that body, whose membership is elected by the people.

"And then the head massa, a stout man named "Hastert", asserted his hefty will by means of the rapping of a heavy gavel upon his desktop. He announced the commencement of the Two Minute Speeches, of which the horrors are too hideous to recall here.

"I then returned to New York, whereupon I offered my report of what mine eyes had witnessed to the freed Crats gathered there: 'When you look at the way the House of Representatives has been run, it has been run like a plantation and you know what I'm talking about...'"

If you would like to learn more of what life was like for slaves on a pre-Civil War plantation, free from inapt analogy or other mind-bendingly stupid, thought-free and inflamatory rhetoric, I recommend this, which in part inspired the style of this post.

Another Message From God

Once again, God has asked me to pass along a message to one of his errant children:

Dear "Mayor" Nagin,

You are an idiot. Go sit in the corner with Pat and shut your cakehole before I shoot a lightning bolt up both your asses.

Cordially,

God

MENSA finds a Winner in Bill Hofius of Minneapolis

My new best friend, Bill Hofius of Minneapolis is one of the most brilliant people I’ve never met and hope to never meet. His ability to draw flimsy conclusions based on irrelevant evidence is the stuff of legend. Here is just one example of his brilliance.

Let me boil it down for you: Because 78.8% of Minnesota adults do not smoke, Mr. MENSA 2005 infers that every one of those adults is in favor of smoking bans. By extension, then, the 21.2% of Minnesota adults who do smoke are against smoking bans.

What Billy Hofius of Minneapolis fails to take into account, however, is that not every non-smoker is as selfish as he is. There are non smokers, me included, who believe private property rights are more important than their own comfort.

His assumption also fails the Dave Thune test, in that Thune is the smoking, nanny-statist who proposed and pushed for the ban in St. Paul.

The one sentence that says it all is this: Will the real vocal minority trying to impose its will on the masses please stand up? (And put down your cigarettes first.) [I'm going to skip the part about protecting the minority from the tyranny of the majority]

Billy, Billy, Billy, how can one as freaking brilliant as you misread the basic facts of this case? I’m truly disappointed in you.

When it comes to imposing its will, you on the anti-smoking side of the aisle are tops.

It is you freedom-hating cretins who are changing the status quo and, therefore, imposing your will on the rest of society.

It is jerks like you who will be jumping on the anti-alcohol bandwagon now being pulled by the pointy-headed elitist pricks on the Star & Sickle editorial board because you view Big Alcohol as the next enemy to be brought down.

It is morons like you who are so blinded by your own idea of what the world should be, you are willing to strip rights from everyone who lives their lives in a way you deem inappropriate (God, I hate that word), or operates businesses you don't like.

You, and you ilk make me sick. As a collective, you are more dangerous than any terrorist organization because you use the force of law to destroy that which you hate and we can't unleash the power of the military to stop you.

I like my chances against a car-bomb driving Islamic maniac better.

What you don’t seem to understand, because you are too stupid to see outside you selfish world, is that the snowball you are rolling down hill will continue to grow until it crushes you and all of your anti-everything friends.

Take a hike, Bill. The country can do without your type.

I'm Beginning to Hate these Jerks

The pointy-headed, fringe left, windbags on the Star & Sickle editorial board aren’t letting the grass grow under their feet.

Woven into today’s batch of dog vomit is a crystal clear message: Alcohol is next.

Over the past several years, public-health efforts to reduce underage drinking have only managed to keep use rates flat. Now a new study shows little progress in reducing teens' viewing of alcohol ads, particularly as the ads move from broadcast TV to cable channels. [All of this means teens watch too much TV, right? Wrong.]

As in tobacco use, making a serious dent in underage drinking clearly requires a change in perceptions among young people about alcohol use. Any hope of successfully effecting such a change means:

• Public-health efforts to decrease alcohol's appeal to teens in the 12- to 17-year-old range must be stepped up and improved. [Tax increase alert]

• Efforts to curb access, through both law enforcement and parent-education programs, must be strengthened. [Another tax increase alert]

•Pressure on the alcohol industry to see that underage viewers aren't overexposed to alcohol advertising on cable TV should be increased and the industry assiduously monitored. [Increased taxes to pay for adding more regulations to an over-regulated industry]

The industry accurately responds that parents and peers have a strong influence on young people's attitudes and behavior when it comes to drinking. That's why public-health initiatives must target parents to make sure they're aware of strategies that research has shown to be most effective in delaying or avoiding teen alcohol use.

But the industry can't be let off the hook with that reasoning; its ads depicting a culture of camaraderie create the very climate of cool that parents have to combat. It must be held accountable for its prior pledges to reduce youth audiences -- and pressed to strengthen them in the future.

AAARRRGGGGGHHHHH! The industry can’t be let off the hook?

You people are certifiably insane and incredibly dangerous to the freedoms we enjoy.

Why don’t you start with the moron parents who use the TV as a babysitter? Then you can move on to those who allow their kids to watch the garbage that networks spew – on cable and traditional TV.

For these pricks to put the onus on, dare I say it, Big Alcohol while relegating parental responsibility to the penultimate paragraph is tantamount to saying, “It’s not your fault Primary Care Giver. You can’t be expected to raise your children in the face of the advertising juggernaut that is Big Alcohol. Stick with us and we’ll wage battle until government forces the evil, albeit perfectly legal, industry to follow its mandates or be run out of business.”

Are you so in love with government that you believe it should be used to solve all the problems in society? When will idiots who breed be held accountable for the way they raise their children?

Why do I have to pay because Mr. and Mrs. Knobhead let their rug rats watch any damn thing they want for fear that said rats will, heaven forbid, get upset.

I’m ready to support parent licensing and forced sterilization for those who fail the test.

And I’d like to volunteer the pointy-headed, fringe left, windbags on the Star & Sickle editorial board as the first to go through the process.

I’m sure they’ll go along with it.

After all, it’s for the children.

Your Monday Moron Mail Mad Lib

First, one note as to how the MMML letter is selected.

Generally, I will select a letter that defies fisking because it is either: 1) vacuous nonsense; 2) consists of little more than the prevalent pervasive lefty trope of the day (EXAMPLE: Bush lied! Ill conceived war, Halliburton! -Biff Smootytoot, Minneapolis); 3) is condescending, self-serving or posits something that is highly debatable as axiomatic; or 4) resorts to name calling as a persuasive device (EXAMPLE: Everybody who disagrees with me is a hateful bigot!). Last week's MMML letter was guilty of number 4. If that letter had not contained that last paragraph, it would have escaped notice altogether.

All this is to say that MMML is a vehicle of ridicule for insulting rhetoric that sorely deserves it, and nothing more. And it also provides an opportunity to fabricate phrases like "but still affording gay and lesbian coffee filters with some meat."

We all clear on that? Good. Here's today's. Find a friend, do it, and post it if it's good (real letter here):

Now go [VERB]

Congratulations to St. Paul Mayor [CARTOON CHARACTER], Council Member [FAMOUS HISTORICAL OR PRESENT DESPOT] and other forward-thinking members of the [FAMOUS OR MADE-UP CLUB] for their [ADJECTIVE] decision to protect all [NOUN (PLURAL)] in the [PLACE].

This issue is not about prohibition of [ACTIVITY] -- some of its leading proponents are [INSULTING NOUN (PLURAL)] -- but rather allowing workers and [NOUN (PLURAL)] to be able to [BODILY FUNCTION] cleaner, healthier air and not be forced to inhale [NOUN].

[CARTOON CHARACTER (POSSESSIVE)] efforts to try to help [NOUN (PLURAL)] that fear adverse effects from this [NOUN] and his decision to work with Minneapolis Mayor [SCIENCE FICTION / FANTASY CREATURE] to level the playing field through a [ADJECTIVE] ordinance are particularly [ADJECTIVE].

EVELYN [GROSS FOOD], HUTCHINSON, MINN.

Are Ya' Ready For the Easy Money?

If you've been following the Nihilist in Golf Pants' football picks throughout the year, you will have noticed three things:

1) He's a shameless Domer homer;

2) He really sucks at it; and

3) I mean he really, really sucks at it.

Acting on these observations, I have devised a can't-lose pro football betting system. Take out a second mortgage, find a bookie, and bet on my picks.

For this weekend's playoff games, the Nihilist offers the following picks:

Redskins +8 1/2 @ Seahawks
Patriots +3 @ Broncos
Colts -9 1/2 v. Steelers
Panthers +3 @ Bears.

Therefore, in order to make money on these games, you should bet this way:

Seahawks -8 1/2 vs. Redskins
Broncos -3 vs. Patriots
Steelers +9 1/2 @ Colts
Bears -3 vs. Panthaz

This may be the most unbeatable betting system ever devised. You're welcome.

UPDATE: If you subscribed to The System, you're already ahead: Seahawks 20 Redskins 10. Keep in mind that the opening line - and Nihilist's bet - was based on the assumption that Shawn Alexander would be getting more than 6 carries. CLOSED CIRCUIT TO THE NIHILIST: E-mail me your phone number so that I can taunt you in real time during the remaining games.

FURTHER CLOSED CIRCUIT TO NIHILIST: I will be at Keegans this Thursday so you'll be able to settle up with me then.

UPDATE 2: The System is invincible: Broncos cover. Now on to the Colts who have to cover a big number despite being rustier than the lock on the Vikings' trophy case.

UPDATE 3 - THE SYSTEM: UTOPIAN AND SCIENTIFIC: Not only did the Colts fail to cover - they failed to win. Therefore, if you have slavishly followed The System, you will finish in the money. I can taste that guinness now (mainly because I'm drinking one; albeit one not subsidized by the Nihilist. That will come in due time. Can't make it to Keegan's NIGP? I may be having a Super Bowl party - just bring a sixer.)

UPDATE 4 - THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE: Carolina wins! Sorry I'm late on this one. I've been knee deep in rigaton' and Sunday gravy. Anyway, Nihilist obviously stumbled into this one; maybe it was luck, or maybe he was actually aware of Immutable Rule o' the Universe #27, which provides: "The Bears shall always, and forever, suck."

But in any event, the Pick The Opposite Of the Nihilist System held up under scrutiny, going 3 - 1 for the weekend. Until Nihilist posts his picks for the conference championships, this is Learned "the Wop" Foot signing off.

Bob Moffitt Caught Violating KAR's Fascist Ban

Yesterday, Bob "the Devil's Dickweed" Moffitt was caught emiting his noxious fumes on KAR yesterday (KAR has a blog-wide fascist ban which has been in place ever since we became aware of Bob):

Too late, Foot, too late! Mark Wernimont and other pro-smoke bloggers of his ilk are already speading this all article all over the blogosphere.

You're right, this kind of garbage does make it easier for our side.

Not that we need the help...

Bob Moffitt.

There's nothing more dangerous than an idiot with a cause. Did it ever occur to you that you tend to sound like a prick when you write comments like this, Bob?

Anyway, it used to be that I would simply mangle Bob's comments whenever he violated our fascist ban. Apparently that doesn't work. While the most effective way to handle pro-fascism commenters would be a blogosphere-wide ban, we don't see that as a realistic option.

So instead, we are fining Bob $250 per comment. I know it sounds like a steep fine, Bob, but our readers deserve to be protected from the fumes of liberty-eroding fascist nanny-statists like yourself. Got bills to pay and kids to feed? Too f-ing bad. This is for the greater good - economic consequences be damned. Your kids are just going to have to starve, Bob.

Perhaps we can arrange to meet in one of those now smoke-free bars which I'm sure you will now frequent ("I'll have a small salad, a glass of water and the check please") so that you can pay me your fine. Better hurry though, since I have a feeling our list of options of where to meet will be dwindling fast.

I Need to Kill This Before It Makes Some Good People Look Really Bad

QUESTION: What is the most effective way to hurt your own cause?

ANSWER: [CAUTION: RUN-ON SENTENCE ALERT!] By bloviating about something you know very little about in the course of which you generate a thesis based on faulty and incomplete research that looks convincing on it's face and is readily accepted by those whom passionately share your view (and lack of knowledge in the area), [breath] creating an illusion of seemingly unstoppable momentum for your cause until your "argument" is rolled out into the public, where, within minutes, someone who actually knows what he or she is talking about nukes your "argument" out of the water in less than three sentences, thereby stripping you of any cred you may have had.

While I am a strong opponent of laws banning smoking in bars, I need to nip this in the butt (pun intended):

Smoking Bans are and should be ruled unconstitutional in Minnesota.

***

The Minnesota Clean Indoor Air Act (MCIAA) was enacted in 1975 to protect public health by restricting smoking in public places and workplaces. The act is enforced by the Minnesota Department of Health (MDH), which delegates enforcement activities to some (city or county) health departments. At this time, the law permits MDH to prohibit smoking in hospitals, public schools, and day care facilities. MDH may limit smoking-permitted areas in other workplaces such as offices, factories, warehouses and similar places of work, restaurants, bars, retail stores, lodging establishments, and other public places.

According to the Minnesota Department of Health, local units of government may enact ordinances that are more restrictive than the MCIAA. I am not sure I agree with that assumption and here I will attempt to produce my argument that they are wrong. Clearly, the provision in the ordinance of the city that prohibits designated smoking areas conflicts with the provisions of section MS 144.415, which allows such designation.

*Ahem*

[Yelling]Local smoking bans in Minnesota bars are NOT preempted by state law. [/Yelling]

And what's funny about this is that he quoted the statutes, but apparently never read them. And then in a headache-inducing move, goes on to cite case law from Iowa, interpreting a statute that is written differently than the MCIAA.

The nub of the argument presented is that since the state statute provides for designated smoking areas, local governments are prohibited from promulgating ordinances that prohibit them (ie any local government law in conflict is "preempted" by the state law). However the plain language of the MCIAA makes it explicit that local governments do indeed have that power. The passage of the statute that this guy apparently didn't read is emphasized:

Smoking areas may be designated by proprietors or other persons in charge of public places, except in places in which smoking is prohibited by the fire marshal or by other law, ordinance or rule.

It doesn't get much more explicit than that.

In fact, it's so uncontroversial, that the only thing remotely resembling authority on the preemptive effect of the MCIAA is a 2000 Attorney General opinion, which says the exact same thing I just did:

The above provisions establish a general prohibition on smoking in public places with an exception for designated smoking areas in restaurants and certain other facilities if proprietors wish to have them and if they satisfy the requirements of both Minn. Stat. § 144.415 and of the Health Department rules. This exception, however, can be overruled by fire marshal action, or by other law, ordinance, or rule. In other words, a local government can by ordinance negate a proprietor's ability under the CIAA to designate smoking areas in a restaurant.

In light of this express legislative direction and the well-established power of municipalities to regulate smoking under their police powers, we do not believe there is a need to engage in a preemption analysis to determine whether state law "occupies the field" or implicitly prohibits conflicting or inconsistent local regulation. See Mangold Midwest Co. v. Village of Richfield, 274 Minn 347, 143 N.W.2d 813 (Minn. 1966). That analysis need only be employed when the intent of the legislature as to local regulation of the same subject must be inferred from the context of the legislation. In this case, the legislature, by enacting Minn. Stat. 144.415, has expressly preserved the power of local governments to prohibit smoking in those public places which the CIAA otherwise leaves open for proprietor-designated smoking areas.

Yeah, it's Mike Hatch. But in this case, he's right.

This is why I have maintained from day 1 that this is a public policy / moral issue, not a constitutional one. Despite the scars on jurisprudence inflicted by the Warren Court that considerably shrank the universe of laws that would be considered constitutionally valid, the universe remains large. What some politicians - like the drooling morons on St. Paul's city council - don't get is that just because a law can be passed doesn't mean it ought to be passed. Governments have wide latitude to pass imbicilically improvident laws. The place to fight those laws are at the ballot box, in meeting chambers and with your pocketbook.

But you do yourself and your cause no favors by framing your argument in an untenable milieu.

Now go get 'em - the right way.

I Said It Was a Temporary Insanity

Egads, we've been drafted to run for the St. Paul City Council.

No thanks.

The reasons are myriad:

* Assuming that there were enough rational people to outvote all the drooling hate-filled condescending elitist sheeplike Kool Aid drinking DFL bobos, once on the council we would still have to suffer a bunch of loud drooling hate-filled condescending elitist sheeplike Kool Aid drinking DFL bobos at every city council meeting.

* Even assuming that we could get elected and tolerate our constituents, three of us would have to move to St. Paul, putting us in danger of having to live amongst - perhaps even in close proximity to - the drooling hate-filled condescending elitist sheeplike Kool Aid drinking DFL bobos.

* Even assuming we could stand living in close proximity to the drooling hate-filled condescending elitist sheeplike Kool Aid drinking DFL bobos, the looming large increase in St. Paul's property taxes would effectively price us out of the market.

* Even assuming we could afford to live in the city, get elected, and stand living among the drooling hate-filled condescending elitist sheeplike Kool Aid drinking DFL bobos,we much prefer to watch the city implode from afar. Except for the one of us who lives there, that is.

UPDATE: One more reason - We don't need no re-education.

Moron-Induced Insanity: Bottoming Out

I think Jar Jar Binks was wrongly maligned.

Moron-Induced Insanity Part 5

Em ot esnes tcefrep sekam ecnetnes siht, yeh.

Moron-Induced Insanity Part 4

Dude: Goats.

Moron-Induced Insanity Part 3

I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and briiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Moron Induced Temporary Dimentia Continued

Part One here.

deedle doodle deedle doodle fleep fleep fleep

My nipples have chartruse gout automobiles.

....

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, YORK!

[Speaking rhythmically, rocking back and forth]

He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.
He tells us what the law is and votes to change it.

...

Fred's mellonballer told me that the southbound end of a northbound moose does not exude antifreeze.

If you please.

Lungs can wheeze.

In the trees.

My dog has fleas.

...

Hmmm.

Moron Mail

Everything you learned in high school civics class is wrong. Well, some of it anyway. An "expert" explains it to us:

Some lingering worries

I listened to Monday's opening statement of Judge Samuel Alito to the Senate committee tasked with the first step in approving or disapproving his appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court.

While he was eloquent and persuasive in stating that, as Justice Alito, he would valiantly uphold the rule of law, as a future justice, his task will also be to tell us definitively what the law is and to vote to change it if necessary.

STOP!!!!!

[Shaking head]

[Piching bridge of nose]

...

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!

I'm scouring the Constitution, WestLaw, my old bar exam prep materials, and nowhere - NOWHERE - can I find that the role of the judiciary in general, and the Supreme Court in particular, is to tell "us" what the law is.

And I sure as hell can't find anything about the Court "voting" to "change" "laws".

On the other hand, in those sources I am finding all kinds of stuff about justices "applying the facts of the case to the law" and "weiging the constitutionality of state actions" and some nonsense about "original jurisdiction" for cases concerning certain federal issues and some other nonsense about "diversity jurisdiction" for cases involving citizens of different states.

I'm sure that these sources must be failing me, because the letter writer's view is that of the liberal establishment - that the Supreme Court (or the judiciary in general) makes law, rather than interprets or applies it. And since he's a liberal, he must be smarter than me, and all those authors of all those laws and law books. They always like to tell us that.

So now I'm confused.

We have three law-making branches. Who knew? I feel myself slipping...

For a potential Supreme Court justice, a vow to uphold the rule of law -- which does no more than reaffirm a vow he made when admitted to the bar -- is not enough to justify a Senate vote for confirmation.

WILLIAM MCPOOPOOHEAD, EDINA

And with that insipid statement, here is where I descend into madness:

Bleeblebleeblebleeblebleeblebleeblebleeble wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

I don't trust the cheese Mort. No siree. It's colors are melting into the walls in a perfect translusence which I shall henceforth call "water balloons"....

Teeehee he he he he hee he he he he he he he he he he.

Snorky snork!

I'm gonna fly. I'm gonna fly. I'm gonna flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Make 'em an offer they can't refuse

The totalitarians on who run St. Paul with an iron fist sure know how to treat their constituents. Like an abusive husband, they beat you to the ground and offer to help you up, only to beat you back down again.

How do people like Coleman, Thune, Benanav, Helgen, and Lantry live with themselves? They must be so damn secure in their superiority that they can’t even see how dangerous they are.

First they ban smoking then this… The city is considering establishing a fund to help small businesses make the transition from smoking to nonsmoking.

Way to go Coleman and comrades. Pass an ordinance that will destroy small businesses and then offer them money to help them stay afloat.

Smells like a protection racket to me.

Maybe we should start calling the mayor (cue the Godfather music) Don Chris Coleman and his band of soldiers can be the new Capo Regime.

Congratulations St. Paul. In one election you destroyed what took 12 years to build.

In The Interest of Equal Time

Thank you to the three council members who looked beyond the selfish and voted to uphold the right of business owners to run their businesses as they see fit.

Totalitarianism Hits St. Paul

The all Democrat political machine of St. Paul has given property rights a huge blow today. The totalitarian bastards wasted no time in passing a total smoking ban in the Capitol City.

Freedom hating SOBs.

The following persons should be banned from every establishment in St. Paul. I can damn sure guarantee you I would ban them if I owned a business of my own.

Keep these anti-freedom pigs out:


Head Comrade Chris Coleman


Comrade Jay Benanav



Comrade Lee Helgen


Comrade Kathy Lantry

Don’t serve them, don’t look at them, and don’t engage them in conversation. If you do you’re likely to annoy them and be brought up on charges.

One name missing – for unexplained reasons – is that of the slime ball who started it all, Dave Thune.


Comrade Dave Thune

Keep his weasely ass on the street with the rest of them.

I suspect Coleman and his gang of comrades will come banging on the doors and windows of your homes and cars next to ban smoking in your home and in your car. Look for them to also force restaurants to put healthier items on the menus and remove those items the health police deem to be unhealthy.

It’s coming and we all know it. People like this will stop at nothing to mold society into their warped vision of what is right.

Moron Mail Mad Libs

Remember Mad Libs? You know, that game where certain words are excised from a short story, and the players need to fill in those words without seeing the context into which they will be inserted. I thought it would be fun to do with Moron Mail.

And yes, I am aware that in this context "Mad Libs" makes for a delicious pun.

Play with you're friends. When you're done, compare your completed Moron Mail Mad Lib with the real letter to see if your version makes more sense (hint: it will). Maybe post it to comments or your own blog if you find it worthy.

BATTLE OVER CIVIL UNIONS

Attacking gay [PLURAL NOUN]

Does [FICTIONAL VILLIAN] of the [FICTIONAL OR MADE-UP ORGANIZATION NAME] ("Same-sex 'civil unions' are merely a foot in the door," Jan. 9) offer any alternatives for [ADJECTIVE] and [ADJECTIVE] families now that he has condemned both same-sex [NOUN] and [NOUN]?

It seems to me that civil unions [VERB (PAST TENSE)] a [NOUN] on a hotly debated issue, protecting "traditional" [NOUN (PLURAL)], but still affording gay and lesbian [NOUN (PLURAL)] with some [NOUN].

It's hard not to see [WORLD RELIGION] as anything but mean-spirited, and their movement seems to have the primary goal of ensuring [LEFTY TROPE].

ANDY [BODILY FUNCTION], [NAME OF PLANET OR CELESTIAL BODY]

I'll be back in a moment with a completed version, once I find a victim.

UPDATE: Here's what I got:

BATTLE OVER CIVIL UNIONS

Attacking gay puppies

Does Snidley Whiplash of the Super Cool Dudes Club ("Same-sex 'civil unions' are merely a foot in the door," Jan. 9) offer any alternatives for fluffy and stinky families now that he has condemned both same-sex toilets and beer?

It seems to me that civil unions barfed a television on a hotly debated issue, protecting "traditional" boogers, but still affording gay and lesbian tractors with some popcorn.

It's hard not to see Zoroastrianism as anything but mean-spirited, and their movement seems to have the primary goal of ensuring HALLIBURTON!.

ANDY DIGESTION, KUYPER BELT ASTEROID # 2894

Yep. Much better. Now you try it.

MORE: Chief at Freedom Dogs does one. Read it now.

Yeah. I think this will become a regular feature.

EVEN MORE: The Mayor gets Mad. Notable for this line:

...protecting "traditional" minivans, but still affording gay and lesbian coffee filters with some meat.

Speaking of NonMonkey

Nick drools out a followup on the supposed illegal immigration focus group:

The bottom line, for now: We still don't know what outfit paid for a focus group that, when the citizens didn't bring up the subject, was turned into a forum for immigrant-bashing in an apparent effort to raise the level of concern and political utility of a controversial issue now being employed across the country.

Let's flashback and look at the nature of this "forum for immigrant bashing":

I haven't heard anybody talk about immigration," Peoples, an independent, recalls her saying. "Anybody have a problem with the illegal aliens coming in?"

The group's response to the question was "a deafening silence," Peoples says. But the woman pushed harder, listing some of the complaints she said she had heard in other states where she had conducted focus groups. Still, no one obliged her. Instead, Peoples mentioned the immigrant workers in a nearby town, praising them for how hard they seem to work.

Wow. My ears are burning.

In an amazing coincidence, that last column quoted was titled "Demagoguery's focus intends to blur important issues".

Indeed.

Leave it to a NonMonkey to cover a nonstory.

SylNonMonkey in Bizarro World

I haven't picked on the Jenital in a while (That's the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel for the uninitiated). I think I'm due for another installment.

You know how us folks up here in the Twin Cities have NonMonkey to provide us bloggers with a never ending supply of eminently fiskable pious left-wing blather?

And you know how we have occasional editorial contributor Syl Jones to provide us with an occasional supply of eminently fiskable pious left-wing race-baiting blather?

Imagine the two combined into some sort of awful Frankenstein's monster, lumbering around wreaking havoc on common sense everywhere; chewing up large chunks of rational thought and spiting it out in a wad of unrecognizable cheap, thought-free rhetoric.

The Jenitel has such a monster. His name is Eugene Kane.

Kane traffics in the same kind of empty simplistic crap we see most often from the Nonmonkey when he talks about the war in Iraq (example).

He also loooooooooooooooooves to play the race card at any opportunity - hell he doesn't even need an opportunity - like Syl (example example).

And then there are the NonMonkey/Syl Jones hybrid/love-child scribblings:

That's why the start of this holiday season exposed Smith to a troubling reality about her adopted hometown.

After a fire of suspicious origin a few weeks before Thanksgiving forced her to temporarily relocate, Smith returned home to find a vile racial slur painted in red across her garage door.
The words left little to the imagination:

"N!gger Don't Come Back."

She had little doubt the vile commentary was aimed at her specifically.

Smith, who works at a local senior center, called me last week in tears and invited me to come see her garage.

I drove out to Germantown on Friday morning. It's about a half-hour drive from Milwaukee, which was actually enjoyable. When you are a city kid at heart like me, it's always a thrill to travel out to the wide open spaces of the 'burbs.

(In the daytime, that is.)

- Hey you got your NonMonkey on my Syl!

- And you got your Syl on my NonMonkey!

- It's delicious!

Read the whole thing. Because the punchline was discovered after this particular column ran, as re-reported by Kane himself; after all that moralizing race baiting and sneering at those bigoted racist redneck Germantowners:

I will include here the strange case of Evelyn Smith, the African-American woman in Germantown I wrote about three weeks ago who claimed that racist graffiti was painted on her garage after a suspicious fire at her home.

According to police, arson charges are expected soon.

No one is saying Smith is the main suspect, but investigators found that she moved furniture from her home to a storage facility before the fire was reported. She has hired a lawyer after being asked to take a lie-detector test.

Our schools, er, garages are burning!!! Or maybe not...

But the title to this post does say that SylNonMonkey inhabits Bizarro World. Why? Because, unlike Nonmonkey, this particular animal has embraced blogs.

And like NonMonkey, SylNonMonkey believes that his daily droolings are the bestest, brightest things in the 'Sphere (emphasis mine):

It's my humble opinion that the best blogs - like mine at www.jsonline.com/links/raisingkane - don't rant and rave as much as refer readers to interesting stories and commentary from other sources.

Heh.

Heh.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Well, go ahead and follow that link, and see for yourself if SylNonMonkey's blog would pull more traffic than, say, this one, if it weren't attached to a major newspaper.

Congratulations on your first koolaidlanche, Dan. Enjoy your traffic spike (What? 30, 40 hits?)

Trouble at the Mighty AM1500

A mighty interesting sound came from my radio at 5:30 this morning. Sitting alongside the new morning guy, Willey Clark, were the Polichicks, Annette Meeks and Cathie Hartnett.

Six days into his new gig in a major market and Willie already has to have two supporting players who, in the end, were really the main event.

Poor Willie is in way over his head and I fear The Talk Station is beginning a long process of trying to find someone to take over the morning drive. The last time this happened was when Bob Yates – whose show was produced by current traffic guy Kenny Olson – was fired. After the departure of Yates, we were treated to the likes of Freddie Mertz and Jesse Ventura.

Willie’s delivery is not unlike that of every host you’ll find at 830. The guy delivers milquetoast drivel for people who mark the “undecided” box on every poll they’ve ever taken. Hard to believe, but he is worse than Kroc.

I’m really trying to give Willie a chance, but I don’t think he has one.

AM1500 may not know it yet, but they are in a world of hurt with their new schedule. Putting Mischke on at 5:30 borders on insanity and pulling Bob Davis from morning drive is just plain stupid.

If management is smart they’ll cut their losses, and the moron who hired Willie, put Davis in Willie’s slot, move Rosenbaum and O’Connell back to 9 – 12 and find someone to fill the noon – 2 slot. They have plenty of “fill-in” hosts who would be happy to occupy that two hours of air until a permanent replacement can be found.

When they’ve solved that little problem they can put Mischke on at a time that makes sense and send Kroc packing.

Any annoyance caused by this posting is purely unintentional.

People I Hate #3

The lady with the Lean Cuisine microwavable entree who took the elevator up one lousy floor, resulting in two extra stops for the people already on said elevator, who were using it to travel more out of necessity than laziness.

Memo to Elevator-Hog Lady: Maybe you wouldn't have to eat that Lean Cuisine crap if you took the stairs every once in a while.

Duluth Haikus

In yet another attempt by a city council to flush taxpayer money down one superfluous toilet or other, Duluth's decided to pony up two grand for an official city poet laureate. Longtime readers know that I am a master of the ancient Japanese poetry haiku. I think that my poetic chops will more than make up for my total lack of Duluth residency. Here are a few freebies to help convince the Lake Superior Writers organization that I am the man on whom they ought to waste the city's money.

Duluth is neat-o.
There's a super-cool bridge, and
Other groovy stuff.

It's really cold here.
Really really really cold.
Really fucking cold.

Duluth has it all.
Do you need some taconite?
Hibbing is nearby.

How much road salt could
Two thousand dollars purchase?
Poets more vital.

CORRECTION:

Reader Erik tells
Us that poet will not be
Paid with tax money.

Private foundations
Will be wasting their own cash
On jobless hippie.

Out with the old...

All vestiges of Blois are cast off. I am The Notorious B.I.L., and I promise this is the last stupid, pointless, name change.

Now That We Have Achieved Brand Stability, It's Time For KAR to Sign Off

Alert reader and noted Marquette alumnus Denbo points us to an article that informs us of a law that appears to have made KAR illegal:

Annoying someone via the Internet is now a federal crime.

It's no joke. Last Thursday, President Bush signed into law a prohibition on posting annoying Web messages or sending annoying e-mail messages without disclosing your true identity.
In other words, it's OK to flame someone on a mailing list or in a blog as long as you do it under your real name. Thank Congress for small favors, I guess.

This ridiculous prohibition, which would likely imperil much of Usenet, is buried in the so-called Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act. Criminal penalties include stiff fines and two years in prison.

"The use of the word 'annoy' is particularly problematic," says Marv Johnson, legislative counsel for the American Civil Liberties Union. "What's annoying to one person may not be annoying to someone else."

Hey look: I agree with the ACLU on something! She's right. The word "annoy" is vague, and in this context, probably facially unconstitutional.

But if not, this law spells the end of KAR. If there is one thing we do well, it's annoying people anonymously (I'd provide a link to prove it, but she doesn't deserve any more than the meager attention she already gets).

(And no, I'm not talking about her. )

(Although, we do annoy her too.)

(If you know what I mean.)

(End of cryptic parenteticals.)

Buried deep in the new law is Sec. 113, an innocuously titled bit called "Preventing Cyberstalking." It rewrites existing telephone harassment law to prohibit anyone from using the Internet "without disclosing his identity and with intent to annoy."

To grease the rails for this idea, Sen. Arlen Specter, a Pennsylvania Republican, and the section's other sponsors slipped it into an unrelated, must-pass bill to fund the Department of Justice. The plan: to make it politically infeasible for politicians to oppose the measure.

The tactic worked. The bill cleared the House of Representatives by voice vote, and the Senate unanimously approved it Dec. 16.

Oh goodie! Another argument against Arlen Sphincter Specter.

Well, it's been a good run. I guess we'll have to go back to our old methods of annoying people: placing a flaming bag of dog poop on someone's front porch. Anybody know Blois' address?

Goodbye everybody!

Behind the Scenes: Production Meeting

LEARNEDFOOT: I call this meeting to order. Head of Alfredo Garcia, will you please lead us in our traditional beginning-of-the-meeting prayer?

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Certainly. Let's all bow our heads.

Oh, Lord, we thank you this day for providing us with an unending bounty of dumb people. We especially thank you for your blessings today in the form of Suzanne Murky, who brought unto us an hysterical, drooling missive, rich in unintentional irony:

[Reading] If you have a kid under 21, you might want to look at Gov. Tim Pawlenty's plans around immigration. College kids often have a fake ID to get into a nightclub or bar. However, if found with a fake ID, your kid could end up with a year in jail, a $3,000 fine and a gross misdemeanor on his record.

It just goes to show the shortsightedness of policy based on fear. Our tax dollars would be going to pay for a 10-person enforcement team that could help put our own kids in jail.

SUZANNE MURKY, MINNEAPOLIS.

Amen.

EVERYBODY: Amen.

LF: God says, "you're welcome." Let's get underway. Bill, would you please read the minutes of our last meeting.

BILL: Okey dokie. Uh, Dementee threatened to eat everybody. Head proposed a motion to prohibit Dementee from eating us. Motion carried. OPG passed out, and we ordered pizza.

LF: Is there any old business to discuss?

BILL: No.

LF: Very well, lets move on to new business -

HOAG: Point of order!

LF: The chair recognizes the Head.

HOAG: Thank you. I move that we abandon the name "Blois"!

LF: Proceed...

HOAG: I'm sorry, but I can't stand "Blois". "Blois" is dumb. Let's go with another name.

LF: Anyone else have a view on "Blois".

BILL: I agree with Head. "Blois" is petty and puerile. I think that "Blois'" only raison d'etre is to attract attention. I think it's time to move on; "Blois" has jumped the shark.

LF: OK. Then to what shall we change our name?

[Silence]

BILL: I have an idea. I learned in one of my S&M seminars that participatory word association is a great way to spitball. One person starts with a word, and then the next person says the first word that pops into his mind. Then the next person in line does the same with the new word. Eventually, we may get something that can be used as an appropriate blog name. Get it?

LF: I think so.

BILL: OK. Everybody get into a circle. I'll start, and then we will proceed counter-clockwise.

[They all gather in a circle]

BILL: All rightee. Let's just start with our current name, "Blois". Now, Obnoxious Packer Guy, you say the first thing that you think of.

OPG: Massive tool.

BILL: Your turn, Foot.

LF: Blois.

HOAG: Massive tool.

DEMENTEE: BLOIS!!!!!

BILL: STOP! This is getting us nowhere. Lat's start wih a different, random word. And this time we'll go clockwise. Ready, Dementee? The word is "helicopter".

DEM: YUMMMY!!!!!!!

HOAG: Uh, dictionary.

LF: Words.

BILL: Adverb.

OPG: Kool aid report.

[Silence]

LF: [Guinness guy] Brilliant! [/Guinness guy]

LF: Those voting for renaming "Blois" as "The Kool Aid Report" -

BILL: "KAR" for short...

LF: - yes, "KAR" for short, say "aye."

EVERYBODY: AYE!

LF: Opposed?

[Silence]

LF: The "ayes" have it. Goodbye, Blois!

EVERYBODY: Yay!

LF: Here's to many more years of "The Kool Aid Report!" This meeting is adjouned.

For Immediate Release

Today, LearnedFoot the Managing Editor of the Blog Formerly Known as the Kool Aid Report announced that he has filed a lawsuit against the contributors to Power Line.

While Mr. Foot admits that he has no valid cause of action against Power Line, he filed the lawsuit in hopes of "opening a dialogue" with them.

"Ever since the founding of KAR, those guys have ignored us even though we consistently wrote about things that they didn't discover until weeks later. Can't a brother get a holla'?"

Also joining the suit are the principals of the Nihilist in Golf Pants blog. The spokesperson for NIGP gave the following reason for their participation in the suit: "We just want to sue Hinderaker."

KAR is also a party to a separate suit, which was filed in 2005, against one of the Power Line principals, Paul Mirengoff. The class action charges Mirengoff with intentional infliction of emotional distress stemming from his incessant soccer postings.

###

Oops, is that my bias showing?

Now here’s an interesting article on the subject of eminent domain, with an even more interesting description of the Metropolitan Council:

Late last week, the Republican-dominated Metropolitan Council announced that it will consider a proposal this week to stop giving subsidies to projects invoking "the power of eminent domain to transfer property from one private party to another."

Funny, I don’t recall the Star & Sickle referring to the Council as being Democrat-dominated during the Ted Mondale era, although I’m sure they meant to.

Blois On KSTP

MDE's newest buddy is on KSTP right now. For Nathan Bissonette's edification: his name is pronounced like "Royce".

I don't know who is Ron and who is Mark, so I'll just use "Q" for "question". Everything paraphrased closely.

Q: Why did you file this lawsuit?

BLOIS: To open a dialogue.


Q: How have you been damaged?

BLOIS: We'll that's something we're going to have to find out.

LF ADDS: Ahh so that's why we have a judicial system - to open a "dialogue" and figure out whether or not you were harmed. Sue first, ask questions later.

I can't believe this guy found a lawyer to take this case.

CALLER: Thanks, Blois, for giving MDE all this publicity.

LF ADDS: And looking at my site meter, I thank him as well.

CALLER: Who gives a rat's ass?! This is stupid crap.

MDE coming up next. I'll stop here since he'll probably write about it himself.

Piss On It

The French are idiotic, tasteless morons that need to be walled off and left to screw themselves into oblivion.

Want proof? Check out this headline: Artist Accused of Vandalizing Urinal

Oh, but it gets better. Seems the urinal in question is really a “work of art” by some dead Frog named Marcel Duchamp. He called it “Fountain.”

If that ain’t enough for you, the estimated value of the pisser-turned-art is $3.6 million!

$3.6 Million for a pot to piss in and the French think Americans are unsophisticated.

Then, to top it off, the article states adds little ditty: “A 2004 poll of 500 arts figures ranked "Fountain" as the most influential work of modern art..”

Some guy puts a toilet on display and it’s considered the most influential work of modern art.

Am I missing something?

Tell me, can is this piece of crap (no pun intended) be worth more than $15 bucks?

And Now The Twist
Seems the guy who tried to beat Duchamp’s pisser with a hammer is a “performance artist” who was arrested in 1993 when he used it for the purpose of which it was intended.

He peed in it and got busted.

Can you get any more back-ass-wards than that?

Someone tell me why we should listen to anything the French say. Why should we give any credibility to what they think?

It is a civilization that is on it's last leg and I, for one, can't wait to see it kicked out from under them.

Now, I’m off. I gotta go tinkle.

God to Rev. Robertson: "Shut Yer Hole"

NOTE: Once again, God has turned to his go-to guy (me) to relay a message to his wayward son Pat Robertson. God's message to Pat is as follows:

BLOIS!

Ha ha! Just kidding there.

With that running gag now officially dead, here is the text of the message that God wants relayed to the Reverend:

Dear Chucklehead:

It's been about 2 months since I last commanded you to stop saying stupid things. I'm sorry: I know I should have stayed in better communication with you. But I've been busy, what with planting all those Australopithicus fossils in the Olduvai Gorge. Plus I've been quite busy trying to figure out how to create a rock too large for Me to move. Being a Supreme being is a 24-hour a day job, you know.

In fact, I was so busy, that I didn't have time to inflict a stroke on some foreign leader with whom you disagree. What was that you said again?

I prayed with him personally. But here he is at the point of death. He was dividing God's land, and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the United Nations or the United States of America.

"Woe unto any prime minister..."??? What the hell kind of Me-damned nonsense is that? Dude, we're in the twenty-first century now. How about updating your vernacular a bit?

And here's a news flash for you Pat: It's all my land. From Ulan Bator to Lake Titicaca. I made it. I own it. I promised Israel to the Jews because it was the most realistic place to settle them at the time. I mean, when you've got a nomadic tribe of people wandering the desert with barely a donkey among them, how far was I supposed to make them walk? It's not like they could have all gotten on a DC-10 and flown off to Boca like they do now.

Anyway, let me reiterate: Shut the hell up. It's been several thousand years since I destroyed the world with a flood. But if you keep purporting to know what My designs are, I swear to Me that I may just send another one.

Highly localized.

Completely within your mansion.

Warmest Regards,

God

P.S. By the way: Catholicism is the one true religion, you all were descended from apes, and look for Brokeback Mountain to sweep the Oscars. So why don't you just go curl up in the fetal position on the floor and commence with the wailing and gnashing of teeth. You disgust me.

New Name - Again

After consulting with our legal counsel, Foot and I have decided that the blog should be renamed immediately. The new name appears in our header.

Flavor Aid Report in Legal Trouble

I just received the following letter:

Dear Sir or Madam:

My name is Floyd Gleebermeyer. I am the chief inside legal counsel for Jel Sert - the company that manufactures and sells the tasty soft drink Flavor Aid.

"Flavor Aid" and the character "Skippy the Straw" are registered trademarks of Jel Sert (number XXXXXXXXXXX). Therefore your use of the Flavor Aid name and the image of Jel Sert's "Skippy the Straw" character are an infringement of Jel Sert's mark and intellectual property rights. Additionally, while we can't help the fact that the Flavor Aid product is associated with the Jonestown mass-suicide, we cannot, and will not, tolerate our fine product's association with your blog.

We insist that you cease and desist from any further use of the "Flavor Aid" name and the "Skippy the Straw" character. We fully intend to pursue all legal remedies at our disposal if you do not comply.

Warm Regards,

Floyd A. Gleebermeyer III esq.

Looks like another name change in the offing for us. I will confer with Bill. Perhaps sometime tonight.

I have changed my name

From here on out, I shall be called...

Blois Wannabee

Top 3 First Names My Wife and I Never Considered When Naming Our Son

3. Pubert

2. Tookie

1. Blois

Your Afternoon Dose of Blois

Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois

The Randomly Chosen Statutory Provision o' the Day

Today we introduce a new regular feature here at the Flavor Aid Report. In the interest of public outreach and education about the laws which bind us all, we will from time to time highlight a totally randomly selected passage from the Minnesota Statutes.

Today's completely and utterly random statute is section 554.04, subd. 2:

(b) If a motion under this chapter is granted and the moving party demonstrates that the respondent brought the cause of action in the underlying lawsuit for the purpose of harassment, to inhibit the moving party's public participation, to interfere with the moving party's exercise of protected constitutional rights, or otherwise wrongfully injure the moving party, the court shall award the moving party actual damages. The court may award the moving party punitive damages under section 549.20. A motion to amend the pleadings under section 549.191 is not required under this section, but the claim for punitive damages must meet all other requirements of section 549.191.

LESSON: If you're going to sue someone for, say, defamation, you'd better not be doing it out of spite or to silence a critic. Otherwise it could get pretty expensive.

Blo Me, Blois

MDE is being sued...

A Democratic public relations consultant has sued a Republican blogger for defamation in a case that could offer a key test of the First Amendment rights of bloggers.

The lawsuit pits Blois Olson, the president of PR firm New School Communications and a well-known Democratic political commentator, against Michael Brodkorb, a Republican operative who publishes the blog "Minnesota Democrats Exposed."

...by a guy named "Blois".

Blois? Blois?

Gayest. Name. Ever.

Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois Blois

Anagrams for "Blois Olson":

Slob in Oslo
Slob is loon
SOB ill soon
Nob oil loss

Too bad his last name isn't spelled "Olsen". Because then you would get:

Libel? No! SOS!

How appropriate would that be?

Stay tuned to FAR - your Blois Olson anagram leader!

The Greatest Moron Mail Ever

This is the big one. Rarely does one encounter a letter to the Strib so inane, so devoid of reason, so self-contradictory that fisking it - and reading the fisking of it - is a pleasure rivaled only by those that might have been found in Kublai Kahn's mythical Pleasure Dome.

Really, this is a historical event on a par with the destruction of Dan Rather or the legendary KAR fisking of the recipe for spinach gratin. It can only be a once-in-a-lifetime event when you get something with this much easy material in it, that you can just open the bay doors, drop the bombs and let it burn. What makes it truly magical for this blogger, is that I can sit back and watch the mushroom cloud form on top of this idiot's sorry little letter again and again through the magic of blog archiving.

But before I begin, I'd like to take some time to thank all those people that made this seminal moment in blogging history possible. I'd like to give a shout out to the guy at the Strib who picks which letters to print. With out you man, I'd be all Iron Maiden and recipe fisking.

I'd like to thank my wife for putting up with my frequent episodes of spazmodic rage brought about by my daily exposure to left-wing drooling stupidity.

And of course, I have to thank my cohorts, my partners in crime - Bill, Dementee, Head - You guys provide the inspiration that keeps me going.

So now, without further ado... I have seen the pinnacle of Moron Mail and it is this:

BASHING LIBERALS

Just pointing out facts

Heh. "Facts". Can't wait to see what this loser thinks a "fact" is.

Bush administration supporters like William Kristol ("Paranoia trumps sense among liberals," Jan. 1) are selling the latest talking point: "Liberals are shrill and irrational while conservatives are calm and rational."

Yeah, let's talk about "talking points" pallie. You see -

F.A.R. NEWS ALERT: We interrupt this Moron Mail for a late breaking news flash!

F.A.R. has just learned that the mysterious Minnesota Democrat Exposer has just revealed his identity!!! Sources close to the situation - which we have not yet vetted - inform us that MDE is none other than the proprietor of Bogus Gold, Doug Williams. We will stay on top of this story and break in to our regularly scheduled bile-fest as circumstances warrant.

...so on -- this is somehow a rational and calm statement of fact.

Here's a calm rational statement of fact butthead: YOU ARE A BRAIN DEAD -

F.A.R. NEWS ALERT: We have further developments in our breaking story about MDE. Doug Williams has contacted us, and wishes to release the following statement:

"Nice job chuzzlewit! Now I have about a dozen pink-haired goons in unlaundered WELLSTONE! t-shirts in my front yard carrying signs and throwing eggs at my house. And I'm not even MDE! If you would have done your homework at all, you would have realized that the real MDE already posted his name ON HIS OWN DAMN BLOG over 3 hours ago. Please print a reaction before I am forced to come down there and beat you over the head wth a hairy-armpitted female moonbat.

"Thank you."

F.A.R. hereby retracts our previous announcement about the identity of MDE. We will stay on this story and break in when we have firmed up the facts. We now return you to Moron Mail, already in progress.

... his deficit spending.

DAVE SHITBALLMORONASSFACE, MINNETONKA.

First of all shitbag: BUY YOURSELF A F***ING DICTIONARY! AND THEN USE IT (if you can figure out how). I am really sick and FREAKING tired of all of you -

F.A.R. NEWS ALERT: The Flavor Aid Report can now confirm the identity of MDE. He is some guy named "Michael" and he's going to be in a bar in downtown Fridley -

One moment please...

...

Correction: he's going to be in a bar in downtown St. Paul tomorrow night. We will continue to monitor developments in this story. For now, we return you to Moron Mail.

...could be groovy, like Iron Maiden.

Thank you all for sharing this important moment with me. It's been a hoot!

Star & Sickle Excels as Distributor of Idiocy

I honestly don’t know what is worse, the ignorance this letter displays or the fact the pointy heads at the S&S saw fit to print it:

'Politicians' are us

I am confused as to the meaning of this administration when Vice President Dick Cheney or President Bush say that the decision to leave Iraq will not be made by "politicians in Washington."

The politicians are in Washington because we (the people) chose them during the last election cycle respectively. We chose these people to represent us because we have a representative form of democracy. So when Bush says he will not listen to "politicians in Washington," he is essentially saying he will not listen to us, the people.

How can Bush say he wants to spread "democracy" throughout the world when he clearly scoffs at democracy here in the United States.

KRISTINE PERSSON, BUFFALO

You, my dear Kristine are one of the most ignorant fools I’ve been forced to suffer.

Read the US Constitution Kristine – if you can read that is – and you will understand the source of my angst:

Article II, Section 2 states, in part: The President shall be commander in chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the militia of the several states, when called into the actual service of the United States…

“Commander in chief” means he decides when the troops come home, not the members of the House and/or Senate and, most definitely not Kristine Persson of Buffalo Minnesota.

I’d like to give Kristine the benefit of the doubt, but I truly believe that she believes the members of Congress should vote on how to employ military force. If the country operated under her vision, we would still be fighting World War II.

Kristine Persson of Buffalo, Minnesota, should sue the S&S for exposing her ignorance to the world.

Baaanaiaiaiaiaaiaaiain Gets a Reprieve

OK, so when the economic numbers are good, Jim Boyd and the Portland Avenue Short Bus Gang rely on analysis from a leftwing "Tax the Shit Out of 'Em" "think" tank to validate their worldview instead of interpreting the data themselves. Or, at the very least, an unbiased opiner would farm the raw data out to an independent analyst; say, a local economics professor.

But when an official government office says something Jimmy and the Retards like, weeeeellllllllll, they jump all over it.

The "Laffer Curve" became a hit among conservative intellectuals, helped President Ronald Reagan pass a big tax cut in 1981, and won an enduring place in public opinion about government finance.

So enduring, in fact, that no amount of historical experience and debunking by academic economists can dislodge it from the public's mind. President Bush embraced it while pushing a big tax cut through Congress in 2003, and his budget director, Joshua Bolten, has invoked it at least once.

So it's good to see that the Congressional Budget Office (CBO), the government's top arbiter of fiscal matters, has put the idea under a microscope and exposed its fallacies. It's time that members of Congress stopped selling tax cuts on the idea that they can be repaid with free money.

You can almost hear the high-fiving and back-slapping from here. I wonder if Steve Berg tongue-kissed Boyd at this terrific news. It's the end of that long national nightmare: supply-side economics! *smooch* *glurpy-glurp*

Laffer's theory really breaks down into two assertions. The first is that tax relief will stimulate the economy by encouraging people to spend more, work harder and save more, an idea accepted by most economists. In a new study, the CBO modeled a 10 percent cut in federal taxes on all individual income and found that it would raise the nation's economic output over a decade by up to 1 percent, or many billions of dollars.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Wrong-a. But thanks for playing.

Actually, Laffer's theory posits that there is an optimal rate of taxation that would maximize tax revenue. Coming off the Carter, and later, the Bush Sr. / Clinton years of higher taxation, it would stand to reason that the appropriate high-revenue-generating tax rate might be a bit lower. But if you look at the curve, anybody with an IQ higher than a Nonmonkey can see that tax cuts aren't always the path:


If the tax rate is on the left side of the curve, you can see that a tax hike would be the way to maximize revenue. Jimmy-jam and the Funky Bunch's assertion that it's always "tax relief" (ie cuts) that would maximize revenue, makes it embarrassingly obvious that these fools have no clue what they're talking about.

But with liberals, we're always on the left side of the curve, aren't we?

Anyhoo, back to the text. I can't wait to see which facts and figures Jimbo and the Dumbtones point to in the CBO report that "debunks" Laffer's theory:

The second question is whether this spurt in economic activity would produce enough new taxes to replace the revenue lost in the original tax cut. The CBO modeled this question using nine different assumptions about individual behavior and government borrowing, and found that in no case did the tax cut replace more than 28 percent of the lost revenue over a decade.
Er...

"Models"?

"Assumptions"?

That's it?

How about some facts? Oh, they try:

You don't need a Ph.D. to get the point. Just look at the data. During the era of Reaganomics in the 1980s the government ran massive budget deficits -- not because spending was higher than the president proposed but because revenues were lower than he predicted.

Yes, Reagan increased defense spending, but his one mistake was to leave balancing the budget to a liberal Congress. It was his compromise for getting his tax reforms passed. But let's look at the numbers. Take a look in the revenue column. In the 1980s tax revenue only decreased once. Every other year, there was substantial growth until...

The evil Bush tax cuts!

The same thing is happening today. Daniel Altman of the New York Times points out that, after Congress passed a big cut in the federal income tax in 2001, revenue from the federal income tax dropped from $994 billion to $809 billion in 2004, even though the economy was growing and President Bush had promised that the tax cut would pay for itself.

Sneaky. What they don't tell you is that 2004 revenues from income taxes are UP from 2003. With those same ill-advised neocon Halliburton culture of corruption tax cuts that supposedly caused the revenue to fall in those previous years in effect (See table 3, first column).

Oh, and overall revenues are up from 2003 too (table 1 first column).

And the rest, such as it is, I again leave to someone who actually knows what he is talking about.

NOTE TO GUY WHO KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT: Try to put a little more ooomph in it this time. You last one was good, but would it really hurt to show a little visceral hostility.

If you have trouble with it, try this: present your fisking as a dialogue between you and Jimmy and the Turdbrains. End every sentence in which you refute one of their points with: "you moron." It feels good.

Litigiousness is now a default position

I want to start by saying that I think it is a terrible thing that the families of the trapped miners in West Virginia were given erroneous information about the fate of their men - at one point being told they had been found alive, only to learn a short time later that all but one had perished.

It is natural in a situation like this to maybe say anything, and to act irrationally. That being said, it is telling that one of the first things uttered by a relative of one of the victims was a vow to sue somebody. Not for the dangerous conditions in the mine. Not for any delayed response to the emergency by rescue officials. No, this person is suing because of the erroneous information received that at first indicated the miners might be alive. A paraphrase of the statement made by the relative: "I call this unjustice (sic), and I tell you all right here and now I plan on suing." Unjustice? How is justice even germane to this situation? Who will she sue?

It is just another indicator that the "take it to court" mentality has become completely entrenched in our collective psyche. "This is someone's fault, and I am going to get money because of it."

Also, take a look at this morning's Star Tribune front page. From everything I am learning about the debacle, less than a half hour passed from the time of the erroneous status report to the time when the miners' true fate was discerned. How does any self respecting news organization with a editorial staff dedicated to the facts and truth telling print a headline like that without confirming the information?

Oh, I forgot. The Strib has never really bothered with facts or truth telling.

Gratuitous Post for Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo

Holy crap!

Steve Novak knocked a couple of famous names out of the Big East record book. The 6-foot-10 senior had career highs of 41 points and 16 rebounds to lead Marquette to a 94-79 upset of No. 2 Connecticut on Tuesday night in its first game in its new conference.

41 points????!!!!! Did Silky Smooth ever shoot from inside the arc?

In an empty Bradley Center, Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo still is sitting in his seat motionless, with a permagrin frozen on his face.

My Penis Is Nifty - Is Yours?

Every time when the new year rolls around, I get to thinking about my penis. It's a magnificent thing to behold, really. I whip it out, and I admire its long, smooth shaft, its large purpleish glans, and the loyal testicles, ever at the ready. I care for it as a gearhead might tend to his prized '56 Corvette: lovingly and meticulously. I wash my penis thoroughly every day. I moisturize it from tip to hilt with perfume-free all natural lotions. From time to time, I may even do a little "manscaping."

Ah yes. The "manscaping." As a child of the pre- "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" world, I was initially taken aback at the idea that hair grooming needn't be restricted to the head. But once I finally got up the courage to try it out, I found that my penis seemed happier. That was probably due to the fact that a smaller mane made the lion's head look bigger.

Much bigger.

So I got to thinking: do many men like to shave down their man-bushes? And if so, how far? I think it's something that all men must do to some extent. After all, a man's penis is quite literally an extention of himself. And if you don't give that part of your body the grooming that it needs - nay, deserves - what does that say about your attitudes about other aspects of personal hygiene?

What? You're still reading this? By now you must think that I am truly nuts insane. Not the case at all. I just thought this might be the best way to get printed in the New York Times Sunday Magazine.

Hey, if I'm going to write provocative yet trite crap, I might as well get paid for it, right?

Happy 2006 to a festering boil

I’m not going to bother linking to the following Star & Sickle bilge-filled letter from January 1, but I did reprint it in its entirety:

Letter of the day: Bush is more a Harding than a Roosevelt

According to the White House, President Bush is doing some reading. "When Trumpets Call: Theodore Roosevelt After the White House" is one of the titles on his reading list.

One has to wonder: Does Bush sees[sic] himself as a modern day T.R.?

I cannot imagine a president more diametrically opposed to T.R. than G.W.B. T.R. was a conservationist and a social reformer, G.W.B. has never met a tree he didn't want to cut down or a social program he didn't wish to cut.

Both presidents were rather hawkish -- however, T.R. actually served in combat and sent four of his own sons off to war.

George W. Bush, you, sir, are no Teddy Roosevelt. Might I suggest a book on Warren G. Harding?

DAVE WREN, MOUND

It’s nice to know Dave’s New Year resolution to be a condescending prick is alive and well, but I fear he missed golden opportunity to really zing G.W.B.

Most Leftwing condescending pricks like Dave Wren of Mound would have feigned surprise that W. can read at all or perhaps would have said the First Lady has to read to him.

Dave should run out and buy “The Idiots Guide to Being a Complete Leftwing Jackass.” I think he’ll find the subject of condescending prick in chapter 10.

Perhaps his wife will read it to him.

This Is the Dawning of the Age of Empty Rhetoric

The Postmodern Era is gone. The Information Age has petered out. What are we left with?

Crap.

Pure unadulterated steaming piles of fetid stinking substance-free rhetorical turds.

The broader message from our first KARcast - if one could be culled from it - was that style is nothing without substance. We had the hardware, the software, a microphone and hella cool Iron Maiden bumper music. But we had nothing to say. I didn't realize it until I picked up the Strib yesterday, but our initial intentionally bad (believe it or not, that was intentional) foray into "podcasting" was prophetic.

I suppose it's been a long time coming. The last few years have seen "Bush lied!" become an acceptable substitute for articulating an actual coherent thought, all the way up to, most recently, local dimwit columnist Nonmonkey using scare quotes around the word "illegal" in the phrase "illegal immigration," as if that somehow has the effect of repealing hundreds of pages of statutes in the United States Codes with one swipe of his drool-encrusted word processor.

More and more, we are seeing tepid little rhetorical flourishes - or worse, cliches - being used to fill a void where an argument or a useful piece of information used to be found. Maybe it's intellectual laziness. Maybe it's just an easy outlet for visceral rage in fora that were traditionally the milieu for responsible, rational (if often very very wrong-headed) discourse. But several items I saw in the Strib recently spanked this idea of the "death of meaningful rhetoric" out of my subconscious and into the fore.

Here are just two more examples of this new empty rhetoric that I saw yesterday. Do not consider these to be even remotely exhaustive.

First, you can never go wrong with a Strib institutional voice editorial. In this one - the 3,598th installment in their series of "Dangerous Things the President Is Doing" - Jim Boyd et al. lament Bush's executive order rearranging the line of succession for the Secretary of Defense. Any portion of this "editorial" would do to make my point, but this graf is the best:

But Bush went further: He bumped the Army, Navy and Air Force secretaries far down the succession list to make room for three Rumsfeld acolytes who also worked for Vice President Dick Cheney when he was defense secretary. This has the effect of replacing three officials whose focus is on the military with three Cheney-Rumsfeld lieutenants whose focus is on White House ideology.

Huh?

First of all, note the loaded words: "acolytes" and "lieutenants," to create the mental picture of an organized crime scenario.

If you translate this paragraph, what you get is this:

Bush rearranged the line of succession to the Sec. Def's position to move certain people he -the President - appointed up the chain, resulting in others whom he -the President- appointed moving down the chain.

The resulting net effect is that some people whom the President appointed because they presumably shared his philosophy are now closer in line to succeed the current Defense Secretary than they used to be, and others whom the president appointed because they presumably shared his philosophy are now further down the list.

Or you could make it even more readable by just writing:

In keeping with his constitutionally mandated authority to administer personnel of the executive branch, the President shuffled the line of succession to the Secretary of Defense. This is an affront to Jim Boyd's sensibilities since all of those people on that list presumably agree with the Administration's policies to one extent or another.

Number two (there was going to be more, but again the Strib didn't see fit to post some things on it's online edition, plus I have only a finite amount of time) proves that this new trend is not restricted to political talk. Yes, for the first time ever, I give you...

Dear Abby:

QUESTION:
I am an armed forces veteran who spent a tour of duty in Iraq in 2004. *** When I returned from Iraq on mid-tour leave, I gave[my son] the uniform jacket I wore in combat with all the rank, flags, name tags, etc., on it as a gift. I know from my own youth that I would have been proud to have had something from my uncles or father that they wore during the war. Jon started wearing it as soon as I gave it to him, and I was proud of him to do so.

have not seen him much since my return to the United States from the war. However, I did see him a little over a month ago and noticed that he's still wearing the jacket. My wife says he wears it often. He has written an anarchy symbol in permanent marker on the American flag on the right sleeve under my combat patch. I am angry and disappointed, but I didn't make waves. I am not sure how to handle this, and I'm afraid that a returning soldier may take one look and vent his problems from combat tour of duty on my son.

What was Dear Abby's response?

Hint: You hear this whenever some jerk is trying to defend his own idiotic offensive behavior. And it's never relevant or meaningful in these contexts.

Give up?

FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

Great advice! Now the poor guy knows that he can't have his ingrate son thrown in jail for being a jerk.

Oh, and then there's the obligatory "talk to him".

Vacuous. As substantive as a KAR podcast.

In the pre-Nonsubstantive Era, the advice would have been:

Kick the little twit in the crotch (assuming he has anything there), tell him that he is an insulting and ungrateful shitbag, and while he's writhing on the floor in pain, take your jacket back.

Kick him in the gut before you leave, for good measure.

That's substance.

A Final Word From OPG

Obnoxious Packer Guy, currently between rehab stints, wraps up the Pack's season in a short verse:

The Packers, once a team without a peer,
Is now a team without The Pear.

NOTE: If you don't click the "Pear" reference, click here. Or here.