Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Ever Wonder What Dementee Looks Like When He Reads the Online Version of the Strib?

KAR has obtained exclusive video footage.

(Probably not for kids - if they speak German.)

KAT to our good friend John Podhoertz.

Brokeback Mayors?

Don’t blame me; their aid(e)s are calling them that.

The article is more than a little disturbing and does not bode well for the future or either Twin City:

Coleman calls the new duo's joint appearances the Traveling Road Show. "It seems like every day we spend six hours together," he said. [While people are being shot in the street, R.T is spending six hours a day playing snuggle-bunnies with his new buddy?]

"I hope you can see how happy I am that he got elected," Rybak said. [With a gleam in his eye and a bulge in his pants, no doubt. I wonder how the wives feel about this unnatural emotional attachement]

The day after their landslide victories in November, Coleman and Rybak had lunch together at DeGidio's on West 7th Street in St. Paul, sending a message that a new era had begun. [Kruchev and Castro The Sequel]

They've not stopped talking or agreeing since. [Warning, warning]

These two oughta scare the living hell out of everyone in this region. Together they will destroy two great cities – although Minneapolis has a head start.

From smoking bans to ballparks to putting a new choo-choo train down University Avenue, the radical Left agenda that has been unleashed will ruin us.

Save me a spot in the town square for morning calisthenics.

Preager hits the bull’s-eye

Dennis Prager has an article at Townhall.com that should be read by every Lefty.

Prager distills the essence of the Left into one paragraph and any self-respecting Lefty would agree that this describes them to a tee:

‘[A]s you go further left on the political spectrum, it becomes increasingly difficult to blame the "weak" for any atrocities they commit. The Left does not divide the world between good and evil nearly as much as it does between rich and poor, and between strong and weak. Israel is stronger and richer, so Palestinian terror is excused. White America is stronger and richer than black America, so black violence is excused. The West is stronger and richer than the Muslim world, so Muslim violence is explained accordingly.”

Absolutely brilliant, and completely unassailable.

Adventures in the Deep South of Political Rhetoric

Not all stereotypes are bad. Well, all stereotypes can be bad, but there are some that, if looked upon without some internal hair-trigger offense mechanism, can be quite wholesome, and even comforting.

Back in 1996, shortly after I graduated from the U of M, a friend of mine and I road tripped to the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. Well, actually we went to Pensacola first because a friend of ours lived there, but that's another story. What happens in Pensacola...

...usually goes unnoticed as everybody is paying attention to one of the 300 or so daily wet t-shirt contests.

Anyway, while driving through Alabama, my friend's camera battery died, and we needed to get another one (as I recall, we were photographing other motorists' reactions to us mooning them - so remedying the dead battery issue was an urgent matter). We exited the highway just south of Birmingham and pulled up to this little general store. Outside the store were two older men in plantation hats sitting outside the eneterence in lawn chairs. As it turns out they were owners / employees of the store. They followed us inside.

All the camera batteries were behind the counter, so one of the gents had to help us. My friend tendered the dead battery to him, and he scoured the pegboard behind the counter to find the correct one. He didn't see it, apologized, and sent us on our way. Just as we were getting into our car, the guy ran out of the store, flagged us down and said he had finally found the correct battery. We followed him back inside, verified that it indeed was the correct battery, and bought it. As we turned to leave, the gentleman offered us one of those banal moments that make traveling to strange parts of the country worthwhile.

He said, "Y'all come back now, ya' hear!"

The only time I ever heard that phrase was on the Dukes of Hazzard, and maybe in some TV ad for The Grand Ole Opry. But at that moment, there was a singular comfort that we had indeed experienced "local color," that our lives were enriched to actually experience a sincere affectation of authentic Americana. For some strange reason, all seemed right with the world because some cracker I'll never meet again gave me the real thing; not just some facsimile processed through Hollywood or Madison Avenue.

Unless, of course, he had pegged us as yankees, and was saying the phrase out of some mocking, patronizing motive.

And similarly, I feel all is right with the world when some moonbat who "thinks" that "gay marriage" is not an oxymoron proclaims that anyone who disagrees with the proposition that a gay couple can't make babies must be filled with hatred:

Enabling hate

So [FOOT'S RULE OF "SO" - "anytime a letter to the editor starts with the word 'so' prepare yourself for a smug, self-important, logic-free diatribe and at least one failed attempt at biting, 'clever' humor." -ed.] Gov. Tim Pawlenty attended a funeral and "was appalled by the behavior and message and insensitivity of the protesters" (Star Tribune, Feb. 24), yet he sees no connection between his support for the constitutional amendment to ban marriage or civil unions for gay couples and the division and hatred it promotes -- such as the antigay picketers at the soldier's funeral last week in Anoka [Smugness - check; Moon-landing-sized leap of logic - check].

Maybe if we called it a fee rather than a marriage or a union, he'd support it [Failed attempt at humor - check].

TROY BOYTOY, MINNEAPOLIS.

Yes, the proposal for a Constitutional amendment to keep the law the same as it's been for 300 years is the same as 6 people drooling out "God hates America for tolerating homosexuality."

Pffft.

Pffffffft. Pfffffffffffft.

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft. Pffffffffffft. Pffffffffffffffft. Pfffft. Pfffffft.

Yet somehow I feel comforted in the knowledge that these people, as per usual, resort to slurs rather than reason. Pure. Unadulterated. Americana. (Gay-Marriage Debate version)

But wait, there's more:

Outside a military funeral, they chant "God hates America." We easily recognize the hate in the actions of this antigay group from a Kansas church. Jesus weeps.

Those wanting the gay-marriage-ban amendment are more subtle in their approach. Though our law already prohibits gay marriage, they tear apart churches over this amendment issue, all the while claiming not to hate gays. Jesus weeps.

NANCY BOY, BLAINE.

Hey, we found one that actually acknowledges that there's no such thing as same-sex marriage! Baby steps. Maybe when she discovers the underlying policy behind marriage laws will she finally let go of all that raging hatred for conservatives.

Yeah, you heard me: hate. You're a hater. You are a hate-filled hating hate monger.

Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate

Hey there, hatey McHatehate. You're just a big fat hate-filled hater!

(Have I won the argument yet? No? Ok: )

You people Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate.

Ahhhhh. Comforting. Didn't prove anything, but still...

It's Americana!

Y'all come back now, ya' hear!

Can't Wait to Read His "Novel"

The shorter Jeff Fecke: "It's not that I'm a shitty writer; it's just that you are stupid."

Maureen Dowd Would Be Proud

You know you're through the looking glass when you have one lefty blog quote another lefty blog out of context to manufacture some, I dunno, outrage or something:

Gavin has been following the right-wing assault [link excised - ed.] on America:

[Quote] I was watching cable ten minutes ago, and this one jerk from like the millionth conservative group was saying he hopes there's a really big terrorist attack on America so Bush can suspend the Constitution. [End Quote]

What is it about American conservatives that makes them anti-American?

Go click through to the post quoted above, and then click through to his source. Informal poll: try to figure out if Jeff a) bothered to read the whole thing; b) did read the whole thing, but didn't understand it; or c) read it and understood it, but presented it in this way hoping that his readers reader isn't intellectually curious enough to see that the quote isn't what he purports it to be.

UPDATE: Jeff comments that the answe is (d) None of the above. He was just trying to be clever. I'll leave it up to you to determine if he was successful.

Monday Moron Mail

I know this is from yesterday (see headline), but I was too damn busy to get to it and, when I read what this chucklehead had to say, I couldn’t pass it up:

Send Cheney hunting again

All of a sudden, President Bush is visiting a plant that make solar panels and batteries for hybrid vehicles, all probably to draw attention away from Vice President Dick Cheney's hunting blunder.

If this is what it takes to get the president to promote cleaner, safer renewable energy, maybe Cheney should go on another hunting trip and take the commander in chief with him.

DON JOHNSON
Minneapolis


Wow, Don, how did you get to be so F*&%ing funny.

Not only are you capable of creating a conspiracy where none exists, you follow it up with a joke about threatening the President’s life. It was a joke, wasn’t it?

You Lefty assholes are hilarious. Do you do kids parties? You could be a clown and call yourself Dickless Donny: The Commie Bastard Clown.

I’m thankful every day I read the greasy rectal discharge printed by the local rags. They have no idea how much they help the Conservative cause by exposing this mindless crap to the light of day.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Time for a Sitdown

The Nihilist has agreed to a sitdown to iron out our differences this Thursday at Keegan's. This promises to be a night of high dama and low humor not seen at that establishment since that one time where Atomizer almost kicked the crap out of a couple of homeless guys, and a certain local political insider did a certain something with a certain someone who looked as though he came straight from the Cantina at Mos Eisley.

Yes, many heretofore unanswered (and unasked) questions will be asked or answered; or possibly forgotten in a haze of beer and cobb salads:

Will the Nihilist see the error of his ways?

Will chasm between LearnedFoot and the Nihilist grow wider, and ultimately descend into fisticuffsmanship?

Will LearnedFoot be able to sustain his dead-on Nihilist in Golf Pants / Kermit the Frog impersonation for more than an hour?

Will everybody in the bar be blinded from the glare off Ben's pale, pale skin?

Will the KAR Krew abandon Afternoon Delight for an even eviler, more pernicious song during their next singalong hoedown, in a renewed attempt to foil the concentration of their pub quiz competetors? (Hint: yes.)

Find out Thursday at your favorite Nordeast watering hole.

Moron Mail

I swear to God that the DFL or some other similar moonbat activist group has a secret sweatshop full of mouth-frothing semi-literate perpetually outraged self-important shitknockers constantly on call and ready dash off a flood alternate reality-filled letters on a moment's notice.

We need to find this building, bar the doors from the outside, and burn it down.

Ha ha! Just kidding! KAR in no way advocates violent recriminations against the semiretarded. We're merely speaking metaphorically: "bar the door from the outside" means "everybody ought to stop pooing out their repetitive two-year-old talking points about Iraq"; and "burn down [the building]" means "permanently."

I mean its so tired and predictable:

MOONBAT: This misguided war is based on LIES for OIL and is only meant to PROFIT BUSHIE McHALLIBURTON's cronies; and there were no WMDs and blah blah blah blah -

NONMOONBAT: First of all -

MOONBAT: ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY PATRIOTISM, WINGNUT?????!!!!!

It's a worthless venture. You can't "talk" to people who get their news from the Daily Kos and apparently hallucinate when listening to or reading views with which they disagree:

Katherine Kersten is quick to call the DFL hypocrites, but she fails to actually mention any of the reasons the DFL opposes these ads. She won't even mention who the ads are by. She'd prefer that you think they're just the product of a grass-roots organization looking to express its opinion of the war.

That's because the article focused on the DFL's demand to have the ads pulled rather than engaging the assertions therein on the merits. Not that you can read or anything...

Problem is, they're actually funded by a national partisan group with close ties to the Bush administration and the national GOP.

But if the facts are true, so what? I recall MoveOn running ads to oppose the confirmation of Alito and Roberts that had real actually provable lies in them. Were you outraged by those?

Of course not: you're a left wing shithead who will swallow anything so long as it's doled out to you from the correct source.

And these ads are part of a designed national Republican strategy to keep equating Iraq with 9/11. And that's a blatant, bald-faced lie.

A) The ads don't equate Iraq with 9/11;

2) The meme that Republicans do "insinuate that Iraq was connected with 9/11" is something you moonbats (er, propagandists?) made up so you can use that "argument"; nobody in any official organ of the administration has said that Iraq was connected to 9/11. What they have said is that after 9/11, we need to look in a new way at a murderous despot who has a serious animus toward this country, a limitless supply of oil to fund his whims, a history of not cooperating with weapons inspections and....uh, oh yeah - a history of monetarily rewarding acts of brutal terrorism.

d) You are an assgobblin.

Kersten talks about free speech in order to hide the fact that the side she supports is lying.

Moonbat diagnose thyself.

JOSH F. GOEBELS, MINNEAPOLIS.

F*ck you.

There were 3 other letters similar to this one that I was going to slam. But, alas, I'm out of time. And in any event, we'll see the same tired lies again soon. I can take care of them then. Probably tomorrow.

Getting to Yes

The Nihilist in Assless Chaps returns from vacation and responds to our assaults on him. Curiously, the guy getting photoshopped into compromising positions with Ennis thinks he is in a position to make demands. But we KARnies are reasonable folk and are willing to reach a fair compromise.

First he notes:

KAR was moved to #2 on the list recently because of slippage in quality. I moved them to #2 out of fear that they were becoming HEINOs (hateful extremists in name only.)

That is no longer a valid reason. We noted the quality issues stemming from an entire week of nothing to be outraged about and general ennui, and remedied them (and don't forget the unfortunate Burrito Blogging Incident).

So he's already off to a bad start.

Here are his 11 demands, and our responses / counteroffers to them:

11. The attendance of Learned Foot and the Notorious B.I.L. at Keegans on a date to be determined for a literal Summit meeting.

That date has been determined as this Thursday. Bill and I will be there. Will you?

10. Remove my photo from all current references to Brokeback Mountain.

Once we are returned to #1.

9. A promise (verifiable by inspectors) not to engage in future Brokeback photoshopping. After all, what kind of person thinks Brokeback Mountain jokes are funny anyway?

See number 10.

8. Remove their blog header featuring Dick Cheney shooting the Kool Aid guy in the face. My four-year old saw it and screamed, "Daddy, that mean old man killed the juice box guy!" She is traumatized.

Not only will we take that header down (it's nearing the end of the rotation anyway), we will allow the Nihilist to provide input on the subject of Kool Aid Guy's next misadventure.

7. Significantly improve the quality of their podcasts.

Since Bill moved, the likelihood of the appearance of another KARkast is dubious.

6. Commitment from Learned Foot that he will do whatever it takes in the future to assist me in getting free custard from Culver's.

No. However, once KAR is retuned to its rightful place, Nihilist will receive an open invitation to come over to Casa di Foot for my legendary Mannigott' with my equally legendary Sunday gravy (so. much. meat.), and a quart of Culver's chocolate for desert.

And beer.

5. An admission from Learned Foot that hockey is a superior sport to basketball.

Non negotiable. Hockey is an objectively inferior sport, and to state otherwise would be lying. I will not sacrifice my cred for a list.

However I will readily admit that hockey is better than professional basketball.

4. Strategic limits on Sisyphus open threads on the KAR. Specifically, Sisyphus must be limited to no more open threads than Chad the Elder receives. We need protectionism to keep the quality Sisyphus posts from being outsourced.

We can talk about this. However, a) no decision should be made that interferes with Sisyphus' art; and b) More Open Threads for Chad would create the same quality issues that Nihilist claims caused our fall in the rankings.

3. An admission from Learned Foot that the Packers suck and Brett Favre is overrated.

See 5. (And really, Nihilist, do you of all people really want to get into an argument about football with me? Save yourself the embarrassment and drop it.) I have no problem admitting that the Packers sucked last season. That's what happens when you play with your 3rd string offense every week.

2. Learned Foot must nullify the Guinness I owe him from our ill-fated bet on the NFL playoffs.

Return us to #1, and I'll consider it.

1. Learned Foot must purchase another Guinness for me.

When you look up the word "overreaching" in the dictionary, it says "Learned Foot must purchase another Guinness for me." Not a chance.

The ball is in your court, Nihilist. Do the right thing, and end this destructive conflict. Together we could rule the Galaxy as father and son. I look forward to hearing from you.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Why Liberals Are Always Miserable

With apologies to Power Liberal.

11. Wearing a perpetual sneer makes one's face hurt.

10. Somebody came up with "Chimpy McBushitler" first; can't find another way to prove cleverness.

9. Constant exposure to patchouli.

8. Conservatives have all the guns.

7. Always have to fake an understanding of art.

6. Always have to fake an understanding of everything else.

5. Cannot understand why nobody wants to vote for political candidates who want to tax the living shit out of them.

4. All that condescention takes a lot of energy.

3. Its hard to get a job with a Women's Studies degree.

2. Anal sex gives you hemorrhoiditis.

1. No amount of makeup can completely cover the large and unattractive lobotomy scar.

Someone's Off Her Meds Again

Does anybody get this? Anyone?

CRICKETS: *chirp* *chirp*

...

*chirp*

...



I didn't think so.

Brokeback Mountain in Golf Pants - Part 2

Let's check up on the situation, quickly...

Yep. Still #2.

Fine.

This sequel to the runaway indie hit Brokeback Mountain actually doesn't take place in the Mountain West. It takes place in Massachusetts:


We'll keep this post on the top for the weekend. Stay tuned for Brokeback Mountain in Golf Pants Parts 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 next week.

You can stop this at any time, Nihilist...

But What About the Stevedores?

I would like to take this time to weigh in on the topic that several hundred thousand other bloggers - who are all as uninformed about it as I am - have seized on this week. Namely, the sale of those seaports to concerns from the United Arab Emirates.

[All citizens of KARnation yawn at once]

What? You don't want to hear yet another opinion about this port deal?

[KARnation: Booooooooooooo! Bo-ring bo-ring!]

OK.

Hmmm. (Flips through some notes)

Nope. Nothing in the "B" material file...

(Reaches into garbage can)

Ah - here we go. Let me start over.

Ahem.

I hate boogers.

Hate 'em. I understand that they're necessary to trap and remove foreign particles from the airway, but c'mon.

Well, I suppose some types of boogers are ok. Like the really BIG ones that come out easily and have just a little bit of uncoagulated snot at the tip. Those are fun to take out. Unfortunately, because of the sticky proto-booger end, it's often hard to flick this kind of booger since it tends to stick to your finger.

But that's it. The other kinds of boogers suck. Like those really crusty and sharp ones that tend to be high up in the nostril. They're hard to remove, and they hurt when your one-year-old merchant of pain and destruction suddenly pinches your nose.

By far the worst kind of booger (or any bodily excretion for that matter) are those high density Super Boogers that cement themselves around 2 or 3 nose hairs. Sometimes when you try to extract that form of booger, you don't realize that it is permanently attached to your nose hair. It's a sickening feeling when, mid extraction, you feel that tell-tale tug on the trapped nose hairs, and you realize that you've picked the wrong booger to, er pick. But you can't abort mid-extraction, because by that point you've gone too far, dislodging the booger from the nasal wall. If you don't finish prying the damn thing out of your nose, you'd have to walk around in public all day with a booger dangling out of your nose by three strands of hair. Therefore, unless you like being the object of ridicule, you are required to do the intranasal equivalent of a Brazilian wax. Only more painful, and likely to irritate the nasal cavity, producing more snot.

Which will eventually turn into more boogers. The cycle of life continues.

I suppose the upside to the Nose Hair Clinger variety of booger, is that have some heft, good balance and aerodynamics, so you can flick them a long way. But that hardly makes up for these stupid, crusty, useless and painful gobs of guck:

Facts aren't flexible

Thanks to Star Tribune's Katherine Kersten for a rare moment of honesty about the way Republicans think. In response to DFL criticisms of the TV ads run by Minnesota Families United, Kersten says in her Feb. 23 column: "The DFL isn't bothering to present its version of the facts in an ad of its own."

There are facts: like scientific facts and the facts on the ground in Iraq -- where we are on the verge of civil war. And then there is the Republican "version" of the facts. In total honesty Kersten can ask: Why can't DFLers just make up their own version of the facts, too?

JAY H. TINFOIL, BURNSVILLE.

Facts on the ground in Iraq...

Like, as the DFL would have you believe, we are not fighting al Qaeda there.

Well, let's take Jay's advice, and check the facts on the ground.

*FLICK*

Ooh, this one's lodged waaaaaaay up there:

This war advertisement is paid for by the conservative advocacy group Progress for America Voter Fund. Those calling for removal of the advertisement are only asking that the advertisement not be aired, not that anyone in Minnesota Families United be silenced, as Kersten pretends.

OK, lemme get this straight: you've got a group of people who have first hand knowledge of the conditions in Iraq. They are fed up with the press' reporting little more than a rolling US Serviceman body count from inside their 10-block radius of Baghdad. Unfortunately, nobody in said press will listen to them, so they have to buy airtime to get their message out. The DFL predictably cries "LIARS!!!!" and wants the ads pulled (though I note that the DFL's lead drooler calling for the ads has not been to Iraq).

And this is not trying to "silence" them?

*FLICK*

Shit.

*FLICK* *FLICK*

Damn thing's stuck to my finger. Oh, there's more:

The ad tries to fool Americans into thinking that the Muslim Al-Qaida terrorist group is based in Iraq and that's why we had to invade Iraq. There are Muslim terrorists in Iraq not because Al-Qaida is based there, but because we invaded their country, and killed and tortured their people. They are upset. There are now many more thousands of terrorists simply because Bush invaded Iraq. I do not feel any safer.

JONATHAN O. SCHIDTHED, MINNEAPOLIS.

"Tries to fool Americans" that al Qaeda is "based in Iraq" hmmm? Let's go to the source (which you can view here). Go watch. I'll wait (I need time to pry this booger off my finger).

You're back? Good.

What did the commercials say? That's right: they say al Qaeda "is in" Iraq. They never used the word "based" or even insinuated it.

And that's not a lie. Not even close.

Or I could just link to this again. And no, it hasn't escaped my notice that its hard to find articles in the mainstream press that talk about al Qaeda in Iraq. It also didn't escape my notice that this rather important item (which can fairly be described as "good news") is buried at the bottom of MSNBC's front page, in favor of a story about a (hoped for) theoretical civil war.

Who's trying to "fool" whom, again, Schidthed?

*FLICK*

*plop*

DEMENTEE: OOOOOO!!!!! LOOK WHAT ME FOUND - MOONBAT BOOGER!!!!!!! YUMMY!!!!!!!

Moron mail

Look at this one from today’s Star & Sickle.

Those calling for removal of the advertisement are only asking that the advertisement not be aired, not that anyone in Minnesota Families United be silenced, as Kersten pretends.

These are the wonderfully contradictory words of Jonathan O. Scott of Minneapolis.

Mr. Tolerance and Diversity doesn’t want to silence Minnesota Families United , he just doesn’t want them to have access to the marketplace of ideas. And this fraud claims Kersten is pretending.

Johnny and his comrades in the Leftwing Freak Machine have spent the better part of four years claiming that the Right is trying to silence critics of the war.

Johnny and his comrades in the Leftwing Fraud Machine are trying to fool Americans into thinking that criticizing the critics is akin to calling for the removal of opposition ads from television.

See Johnny write. See Johnny make an ass of himself in the largest daily newspaper in Minnesota.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Brokeback Mountain in Golf Pants - Part 1

This is merely the opening salvo; a taste of what's to come:


There are many, many more.

Payback's a Bitch When the Chickens Come Home to Roost and the Worm is Turning on the Other Foot

Perhaps now liberals may pull back on their notion that judges "make" law based on interpreting a living, breathing, self-aware (and sometimes peckish) Constitution. In fact, I'll bet they're shitting in their pants over this - a brazen attempt to put the validity of Roe v. Wade back before the court.

This is madness.

But it's what you get when you insist on imputing more power to the judial branch that it legitimately possesses.

There's a way to stop the abortion "debate" insanity. I'm not the first to point this out. But the South Dakota legislature from the right, and the my-Roe-pic (def. - holding the belief that the single most important and overarching human rights issue in the universe is the preservation of a "right" discovered in some constitutional "penumbra" and declared in a howlingly tortured Supreme Court opinion) spittlefleckers from the left have brought it to this.

You want to end all the wasted time and energy and emotion that one stupid little Supreme Court desision has wrought over the past 30-odd years? It's easy. It's right there in front of all of us. And it sure as hell ain't rocket surgery. But more on that in a minute.

But we have conditioned ourselves into believing that 9 justices and 2 lawyers arguing for an hour and a half can somehow grant new insight into a 250 year old document; a document that was purposefully drafted broadly so as to allow the democratic and deliberative processes to fill in the gaps as new issues and fresh problems presented themselves, rather than trying to preemptively anticipate and solve all of them. The liberal view of the role of the courts is that those 11 people are sufficient to decide public policy on certain issues for the other 300 million people.

As has been pointed out before, and will not be belabored here, that isn't democracy.

Don't believe me when I say that we (and by "we" I mean "they") have convinced themselves that a justice's public policy positions are more important than their legal chops? Take a look at the most prominent topics of questioning during the Alito confirmation hearings (helpfully compiled by Sisyphus), a man who's job it would be to interpret and apply the Constitution (and other federal laws):

1. Roe

2. Stare decisis (to be read along with #1. Apparently the Senators never heard of Plessy v. Fergussen or Loving v. Virginia. Nor do I recall ever learning anything in law school about "super-duper" precedents.)

3. Sandra Day O'Connor

4. Vanguard (finally something at least tangentially related to Alito's fitness to serve on the bench)

5. Princeton (and remember: when they were talking about Princeton, the weren't talking about his legal education)

(Has anybody noticed anything missing from this list yet?)

6. Chief Justice John Roberts

7. Concerned Alumni of Princeton (see 5)

8. Unitary Executive (I have no idea what this even means)

And finally, all the way down the list at #9...

9. Commerce Clause/Interstate Commerce

...do we get a topic that has anything to do with the organic or Federal law of our country.

We have become fixated on the people inside the robes at the expense of the integrity of our law. No longer are we concered about the faithful application of our laws, but the favorable application of them.

But that's no problem as long as more of OUR guys are in those robes. But then the pendulum shifts back the other way...

And so the cycle of jurisprudential violence continues.

This is a dangerous place where we're headed. One faction gets in and makes their own laws (which bear little resemblance to anything written down in any official document); then, gradually another faction takes control, reverses the decisions of the first group (and maybe writes some "laws" of their own), and meanwhile the populace at large imputes this madness to each other, and the public debate grows shriller and more hopeless. Ad nauseum.

That being said, er, I have a question:

What the hell ever happened to Article 5?

You know - the one about how to amend the Constitution?

If the constitution is silent as to whether or not there's a privacy right, how about engaging everybody - not just 11 people - in the debate?

LEFTY: Ohh. But it's so haaaaaaard to get an amendment ratified!

Hard?

600,000 people died in order to get the 13th amendment passed. Would it be harder than that?

The U.S. Constitution is a compact among and between her citizens, under which we all agree to be governed. When you have 9 - out 300,000,000 - people rewrite reinterpret the document's latest self-aware convulsions, you create a situation where the social contract element of the law is gone, and is replaced by a dictatorship of fashionable intellectualism.

If you go about it the way in which the document itself commands, you have peace, even if you wind up on the losing side.

/END GRAVITAS

poop

We Shall Attack at an Hour of Our Choosing

The public is solidly behind KAR:

Should KAR resort to the nuclear option?


Yes! That little weasel deserves it! ----- 30 Votes; 86%

No! My name is The Nihilist in Golf Pants! ---- 5 Votes; 14%


You're on an island, Nihilist. You will be hearing from us soon.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

We Stand at a Crossroads

The deadline has come and gone, with nary a peep from the Nihilist. Indeed, KAR remains at #2. The time has come for choosing.

Do we let loose the dogs of war?

Or do we, in the interests of an uneasy and insincere peace, restrain ourselves, tacitly endorsing a hostile act of sleaziness?

In the grand tradition of Bill Clinton, we will leave it up to you. Please take the following Public Opinion Poll, to help us determine what course history shall take:

[THE POLL HAS CLOSED]

Moron Mail

Hey look: the moonbats are moving the "moral authority" bar yet again:

A high cost for lies

I am happy that Bob Stephenson made it home from Iraq. It would appear, so far, that all Marine lieutenant colonels have made it back. I wish that record was shared with lance corporals, for instance. The lies that put us in Iraq are obvious. The detour from Afghanistan will allow Al-Qaida to grow and remain a menace.

F. MYRON SWIZZLETROUSERS, EAGLE BEND, MINN.

First, I need to do the obligatory...

GEN. JC MOONBAT INTERRUPTS: Hold on a second there, wingnut! I've already warned you that you have no moral authority to support the Iraq war -

FOOT'S SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN INTERRUPTS: KER-BLAMMO!!!!

GEN JC MOONBAT'S NOW-HEADLESS BODY: *plop*

...reprinting of the definiton of the word "lie" as some people still apparently haven't absorbed it (probably because of the lobotomy):

lie - an assertion of something known or believed by the speaker to be untrue with intent to deceive (from here)

And now, I will try to avoid fisking this drool-soaked dysentarious splotch down to the molecular level. I only have so much time, you know.

First, I was under the impression that you had the moral authority to support the Iraq war if you were a veteran.

Then at some point the rule changed - you had to be a veteran of the Iraq war in order to opine in support of the endeavor.

Then, as we learned from NonMonkey last week (keep that link handy, I'll be returning to it), if you were an Iraq vet, and you support the war publicly, you are being used by propagandists - and hence have neither the cred or the moral authority to speak your piece. (And God help you if you are a step-parent.)

And now Myron here informs us that even if you are an Iraq vet and you keep it to yourself, your opinion only counts if you rank below lieutenant colonel.

It's a good thing I went to law school so I can understand all these fluidly developing rules. I predict by the end of the year, these brainless shitholes will have amended the moral authority rules to the point that the only people that will be entitled to hold a positive opinion on the war effort are deaf-mute corporals from Bangor, Maine with less than 7 fingers.

Well, that's what you get when you have a whole bunch of people who don't have enough synapses firing correctly to formulate a coherent thought - you try to winnow away the ranks of those who oppose you with banal irrelevancies.

One more thing. The letter immediately preceding Myron's again flogs the "ad was intended to decieve" meme. Yawn. But then he exhibits a stunning lack of reading comprehension (emphasis mine):

In response to Bob Stephenson's Feb. 21 commentary criticizing Nick Coleman's columns on the Progress for America ads, while it is possible that many positive things in Iraq go unreported, I don't believe that Coleman was arguing to the contrary of this at all.

His point is simple -- that these ads are intended to deceive and to make us forget the real issues with this war.

PETER BULLSHITEATER, MINNEAPOLIS

Oh? Let's go to the tape:

Evidence of a menacing increase in insurgent attacks on American troops in Iraq was declassified and presented to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in Washington, D.C., last week. The news was grim: There were 2,500 insurgent attacks in December, and although there are peaks and valleys in the numbers, each peak is said to be higher than the peak before.


Yeah, Nick thinks things are going - how would he put it? - "peachy." More (emphasis mine):

A commercial featuring veterans of the war in Iraq began airing here, telling viewers that the war in Iraq is against the terrorists of 9/11 and that it is going swimmingly.

These are dubious assertions, given that the war was billed as a war against Saddam Hussein and that it had cost the lives of 2,267 Americans as of Friday (almost 1,800 since the president said the mission was accomplished).

Ya' see, if you want to write a column convincing people that these ads' assertions that the war is going "swimingly" are deceptive, then you necessarily have to ARGUE THAT THE WAR IS A MISERABLE QUAGMIRE!!!! You imbicile.

Or if I were a liberal, I'd just scream at Peter: "LIAR!!!!!!!!!"

Ultimatum

Several weeks ago, the Nihilist in Golf Pants furtively replaced KAR with Fraters Libertas atop its Top 11 Blogs list. We felt that this was a sneaky thing to do. Most will also agree that it was also a sleazy move given that NIGP is really a puppet blog of Fraters - it's a fairly open secret that the Fraters post their B-material there.

Since this betrayal came to our attention, us KARnies have been patient with the Nihilist, gently hinting that this somehow must be a mistake or misunderstanding. We have traditionally had warm relations with the Nihilist, and thought that once the scales fell from his eyes, he would do the right thing. We gave the Nihilist ample time to remedy the slight. He has yet to do so.

Well, our patience is not infinite, and the time has come to play hardball.

Laboring intensely over the past few days in KAR's Secret Tactical Photoshop Lab (STaPL), The Notorious B.I.L. has successfully developed a retaliation device so terrible, that it will inflame the anger of The Nihilist (probably forcing him to issue a fatwah against us) and plunge the MOB into civil war.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

The Nihilist has until noon today to restore KAR to its rightful place as #1 of the Nihilist's Top 11 blogs. Otherwise...

Well, the alternative is just too awful to fathom.

The Most Non-contoversial KAR Post Ever

Sometimes something is so patently true and so axiomatic, that the truth of the matter must still be declared despite its obviousness. If for no other reason than that there must be some historical record left to posterity that shows that we were aware of, understood and appreciated said universal truth.

Sasha Cohen is hot.

Smokin' hot.

Natalie-Portman-in-a-thong hot.

I think its safe to say that Jimmy Carter has no lust in his heart for her.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Live-Blogging The Eating of My Burrito

11:45 - Just returned to my desk with my gi-normous chicken burrito. Can't wait to get it in my belly.

11:47 - Condiments have been applied. Chips and salsa have been arranged on my plate. Soda can has been opened. Let's roll!

11:48 - First bite: Oooooooo lots of cilantro. I love cilantro.

11:49 - Taking a swig of soda (Pepsi). Refreshing! Compliments the chipotle sauce in the burrito. Time for a chip.

11:50 - Lunch is now in full swing. I'm in the groove. Time to crack out the Strib and angry up the blood...

11:55 - Had to step into the restroom for a moment - the refried beans have hit their mark. Back now, reading the Strib. Burrito about half gone.

11:57 - Wow. The letters section seems rather balanced today. I wonder if Yost switched papers? On to the institutional (as in "sanitarium") voice editorials...

11:58 - BLLLLLLEEEEEEOOOORGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

11:59 - Bear with me - I'm still cleaning the chewed-up remains of a former burrito that just shot out my nose onto my monitor.

12:02 - OK monitor's cleaned up. My reaction was not borne of surprise, but of a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach caused by (looking at the editorial again) um,

*yorp*

BLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

12:05 - Cleaning up vomit now. Please stand by...

12:15 - REGURGITATED BURRITO RANTINGS:

The unmitigated gall:

Trouble is, the Legislature did not live up to the promise implicit in its repeal of the general education levy. It did not raise and appropriate enough state tax revenue to keep schools financially whole.

Inevitably, strapped school districts turned to the voters for permission to raise property taxes. And the Legislature gave school boards more authority to hike levies on their own -- and structured state aid payments in a manner that gave the boards incentive to do just that.

The result: According to a forecast by state Senate analysts released last week, school property taxes will surge past their 2001 levels by 2008.

That word puts the 2001 tax policy question back before the 2006 Legislature, and the voters. What's the best way to pay for education?

What's the best way to f**king pay for f**king education? I have a few f**king ideas.

1) How about not wasting money to buy your f**king flavor-of-the-week school superintendent a pimpmobile????!!!!!

2) How about spending the money on the existing (and very effective, as any public school bobo will tell you) K through 12 structure of the school system instead of perpetually looking for new and useless ways to constantly enlarge the system. A good start would be abandoning the droolingly insipid idea of four-year-old kindergarten (otherwise known as "free day care")???!!!!

STRIB: Oh but we need for the children to be prepared to learn in kinderg-

FOOT: SHUT UP MORONS!!!! The point of kindergarten is to get kids ready to learn in First Grade!!! Hey I got an idea: why don't we just enroll the little buggers in the public schools system the moment they shoot out their mothers' birth canals. Then they'd be prepared "to learn" in one-year-old kindergarten, which in turn would prepare them "to learn" in two-year-old kindergarten, which in turn would prepare them "to learn" in three-year-old kindergarten, which would prepare them "to learn" in four year old kindergarten????? Huh? Wouldn't that just be swell?????? More time for diversity lessons!!!!!

STRIB: But you don't understand....

FOOT: [Pumps sawed-off shotgun] BLAM!!!!!

STRIB: *plop*

Where was I? Oh yeah:

3) How about not wasting THREE F**KING MILLION F**KING DOLLARS A F**KING YEAR on worthless "studies" to determine the best way to get the exact same percentage of minority students in every single school in a district that doesn't have a whole lot of minorities in in it to begin with?????

YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

12:17 - AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! JUST SLIT MY WRISTS!!!! JUST CUT MY F**KING WRISTS!!!!!!!! HERE'S MY WALLET - TAKE IT ALL!!!!!!!

12:18 - BAAARRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFF!!!

*heave*

*heave*

BWWWWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRFFFF!!!!!

12:20 - And like a burrito-snarfing Peyton Farquhar, I am snapped out of my reverie by one final, pleasurable jolt of cilantro to my palate, which I find to be a better fate than his. But not by much.

How to Inform Oneself Without Reading a Lot

Typically, I try to withold opining on a current event until all the facts are known. When one draws conclusions too early in a developing and fluid situation, the outcome has a tendency to be 180 degrees out of phase from the gun jumper's conclusions, making him look rather foolish (anybody remember "Fitzmas"?).

When I heard that Bush was selling the operational rights of a number of American ports to interests in the Uniited Arab Emirates, my gut reaction was that it was a supremely bad idea. Not only were the lefties - who suddenly took an interest in homeland security - sounding like a bunch of stylized bigoted southern crackers (He's selling our ports to Ay-rabs???!!!), but Bush was being slammed by members of his own side as well. Because I have limited time to inform myself about everything due to the fact that I am primarily occupied with a) my job, and b) preventing The Boy from conducting his crude scientific experiments regarding electricity with a fork and an electrical outlet, my only knowledge of the story was from headlines and brief snippets caught on the TV news.

On its face, selling a number of ports to concerns based in a part of the world that contains large numbers of fanatic dirtbags who would love nothing better than to float a tanker carrying a live nuke into one of our harbors. On the other hand, a decision that is so obviously sketchy might stillhave some compelling and unsurmised rationale behind it that makes sense.

I was confused.

But no more! I have discovered the ultimate good idea / bad idea detector. This amazing time-saving miracle allows one to tell within seconds whether or not a given act or idea is borne of Solomonic wisdom, or is pure and utter stupidity. Usually, as in this case, you don't even have to read past the headline.

Adapting a tactic from the Nihilist Anti Lock Betting System, I have been able to conclude with 100% certitude the wisdom of selling ports to Arab interests. It only took me about 5 seconds. My opinion on the issue is as follows:

It is a supremely bad idea.

Monday, February 20, 2006

So, You Googled Your Name and Wound Up Here

There are two ways this could have occurred:

1) Your parents showed they had a cruel sense of humor by naming you Drooling Greasy Anal Discharge Moonbat Moron; or

2) You wrote a really stupid letter to the editor.

If #1 applies to you, or if you're merely a victim of an odd coincidence that caused your google searching to go horribly awry, you can stop reading now.

For all you #2's - read on:

Now I'm sure you're upset, as chances are good that we weren't too kind to your rhetoric. And I'm also sure your disappointment (dare I say, anger) is exacerbated by the discovery that, contrary to what you once believed, not everybody agrees with you and your dumb-assed opinions, and you were not universally regarded as Solomon descending from your lofty throne to bestow your wisdom upon the ignorant masses when your letter was published.

No. Most people who regularly read this little corner of the internet pretty much thought your letter revealed you to be an arrogant, dimwitted loser. A theory which was confirmed by the very act of googling yourself, which brings us to the post you are reading now.

Suffice to say, that any further action you take will be fruitless. You could leave an insulting comment, but it will be modified to mock you to the fullest extent possible. You could write us an angry e-mail, which - if the comedic possibilities are there - will be reproduced on this blog and mocked to the fullest extent possible. Your email will then be marked as spam and deleted from our inbox as a further measure to protect you from your ego, and yourself.

I know what you're saying: in the spirit of debate why don't we just write letters to the editor too? Actually, you're probably not saying that to yourself, since I'm fairly certain that you think that anybody who disagrees with you is a clod - a retarded Cro Magnon. But be that as it may, we don't write letters to the editor because: a) we don't debate here - we vent, and occasionally tell very off-color jokes (here's a good place to remind all our other non-moron readers of KAR's comment policy: "Keep it puerile"); b) The Strib gets roughly 35 bazillion letters each day to fill the customary 1 column-inch devoted to conservative correspondence, meaning there is a very very slim chance of actually "engaging" you in a "debate" via the Strib's opinion section; and c) If we wrote a letter to the Strib that expressed how we really thought about your letter, there is absolutely no chance of it getting published (as we're certain that the Strib's style sheet forbids publishing - along with Mohammed cartoons - the phrase "effete Karl-Marx-ball-licking shitheel").

In short, KAR is a one-way ranting machine, and nobody here gives a shit if you think we're a bunch cloddish proto-humans. Believe me: the feeling's more than mutual.

So, thanks for stopping by. Now go crawl back into your hole.

The Millard Fillmore Thought-Provoking Quote o' the Day

And so we end our celebration of Millard Fillmore Day with this:

"God knows that I detest slavery, but it is an existing evil, for which we are not responsible, and we must endure it, till we can get rid of it without destroying the last hope of free government in the world." --Millard Fillmore.

Allegories anyone?

(Source)

Millard Fillmore Limerick

There once was a President named Fillmore
Who left the clothing industry for law so he could bill more
He was a drooling human ass-crack
Who signed the Fugitive Slave Act
Now he's just as well-regarded as Al Gore.

Millard Fillmore in Haiku

Poor Millard Fillmore.
Your sole legacy is a
Crappy comic strip.

Our Annual President's Day Tribute

Today, we here at KAR continue our tradition that stretches all the way back to last February. On this day, where government and banking employees everywhere pause to reflect upon the 41 men who have led the executive branch of this nation, we salute the memory of one of the most overlooked Presidents of the middle sixth of the 19th century: Millard Fillmore.

Today we begin with some little known tidbits about our 13th president:




MILLARD FILLMORE FUN FACTS

* Fillmore once declined an honorary degree from Oxford because: "no man should accept a degree he cannot read."

* Fillmore is one of only two US Presidents whose first and last names both had double-consonants.

* Fillmore never accidentally shot anybody while hunting.

* When asked what he would do if he, hypothetically, were to accidentally shoot someone while hunting, he replied "Tho' my heart t'would be troubled and my humours sicken'd, I would first fulfill my constitutional duty, and alert the White House Press corps."

* Fillmore was the first president to have a stepmother.

* Which means, accordiing to some experts, that she didn't have the moral authority to hold a positive opinion on Fillmore's presidency.

* Fillmore was named after his mother.

* Fillmore's Secretary of the Navy was named Kennedy.

(Sources for the non-made-up stuff here, here and here.)

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Moron Mail

Don't have the goods on your bete noir? No problemo: just create alternate realities:

Lucky he was in Texas

While conservative apologists for the Bush administration again tediously complain about the liberal media kicking Dick Cheney for a hunting accident, Minnesotans might be interested to know that if Cheney had shot his best friend while bird hunting in Minnesota, he would have appeared in criminal court for his felony arraignment by now.

Even accidental shootings are felonies in Minnesota if the hunter has intentionally discharged a firearm under circumstances that endangered the safety of another [Yes, its an enlightened state of affairs when the law punishes accidents as felonies! -ed.]. Minnesota conservation officers will testify that a basic tenet of hunting safety is that you know for certain what is in the line of fire before you pull the trigger. If you don't, you're shooting recklessly and violating the law.

JAMES SALADTOSSER, MINNEAPOLIS.

Why stop there James?

If Dick Cheney had shot his friend on purpose, instead of on accident, then he'd be guilty of murder.

And if, instead of in a field, Cheney shot his friend in his own house after catching him in bed with Lynne, then he'd be guilty of manslaughter.

And if, instead of accidentally shooting his friend, Cheney stole his social security number, which he then used to open several lines of credit, and used all that ill-gotten money to pimp out his Escalade, then Cheney would be guilty of identity theft.

But that's not how it happened: Cheney ACCIDENTALLY shot his friend in TEXAS, so SHUT the FUCK up you PETTY midget-like MORON!!!!!!!

Sports Tiers

I have often contended, correctly, that hockey is a third-tier sport. Here's the complete breakdown of superiority of sports through the third tier:

TIER ONE:

Football
Baseball
Basketball (amateur only)

TIER TWO:

Texas Hold 'em

TIER THREE:

Hockey
Gay rodeo

Friday, February 17, 2006

Lost another one

A couple of Mankato high schoolers got into trouble because of their own stupidity.

One of their friends almost made me proud of today’s youth:

"If you're not of age, it’s pretty stupid (to post pictures of yourself drinking)," said Lxxx Nxxx, [name omitted to protect her from ridicule] 17, a friend of the suspended pair.

She should have stopped there, but she continued:

"But I don't understand how it's right for somebody to get punished for a picture."

Damn, she was so close, too.

Excuse me dear, but they are not being punished for a picture. To help you understand, let me put it this way:

THEY ARE BEING PUNISHED FOR DRINKING AND THE PICTURES ARE CALLED EVIDENCE, YOU MORON. THAT THESE TWO IDIOTS POSTED THEM ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB FOR ALL TO SEE IS A TESTAMENT TO JUST HOW STUPID THEY ARE. THAT YOU CAN’T SEEM TO GRASP THIS SIMPLE CONCEPT SENDS A FRIGHTENING MESSAGE ABOUT HOW YOU WERE RAISED AND EDUCATED.

Liveblogging My Day at Home With The Boy

UPDATED 12:45 CST - Scroll down

6:00 The one-year old is awake. I go to his room where he greets me with "Da" (one of his three words that refer to me: "Da," "Dada," or "Daddeeeeee"). I can tell by his use of the informal "Da," that he's in good spirits and loose. I think we will work on his vocabulary and language skills today.

6:05- I change The Boy's diapers and dress him. While putting on his socks, I say the word "sock" which he repeats (although it sounds more like "suck"). 5 minutes into the day, and he's already learned a new word.

6:15- After his bottle ("baba") it's reading time. I pick out one of his faves: Bear Loves Water.

6:20- Reading time over. He sees a bear on the TV and says "bears!". Twenty minutes into the day, and he's already using 2 new words. By bedtime tonight, he'll be performing Shakespeare.

6:45- Read Nonmonkey's latest droolfest. The Boy just learned several new words. I'm choking on my own rage. More later.

7:30- OK. I'm better now. Here's what I learned from today's NonSimian bottle of piss:

(Joe just said "piss". Aparently he can read now too. Baby Genius!)

Anyhoo, this is what I learned:

1) If you pay for an advetisment that supports the war effort, you are a propagandist.

2) If you are a dimwitted (and very, very fertile) local newspaper columnist who writes at least 2 tracts a week against the war, you are not a propagandist.

3) If you have a son who died in Iraq, and you use that fact to catapult you into the public eye so you can get your message out that you oppose the war, you have absolute moral authority and may not be assailed by anybody who disagree with you.

4) If you have a son who died in Iraq and you use that fact to catipult you into thr public eye so you can spread your message that the war is worth fighting and winning, you are being used as a propaganda tool and have no moral authority.

5) Opinions of stepmothers don't count.

6) Opinions of biological mothers do count.

7) Opinions of biological fathers are aparently not worth mentioning (take a guess why).

8) Speak out for the war = propaganda; Speak out against the war = speaking truth to power.

7:45- The Boy points to a clock on the wall. I say "Clock." The boy repeats the word (although he elides the "L" so it sounds like a very bad word. But I know what he means.) The kid is an absolute prodigy.

8:00- Just read this letter to the Strib:

A Feb. 11 letter writer suggested that the Minnesota veterans' ads "don't tell the truth." Does he honestly believe that the media do? Media, as a rule and not the exception, continually only show the bad things that are happening in the world, especially when it comes to the mistakes of whoever is currently sitting in the Oval Office. Maybe the writer would have us believe that everything on TV is real.

Having served in Iraq, I can tell you that yes the people we are currently fighting in Iraq are Al-Qaida and they were funded/trained and supported by the Iraqi government.

CHRIS V. JOHNSON, MINNEAPOLIS.

Interesting. He states that the Al Qaida in Iraq were funded by the Iraqi government. This is something that not even the Bush administration has contended. I wonder if this guy (who is an Iraq war veteran, which means he has "moral authority" - or in NonMonkey Planet he is a "propagandist" by virtue of his support for the war) actually knows something here?

How does he know Sadaam funded these Al Qaida? After all, he was in country. What did he see?

Prediction: His phone will remain silent as NonMonkey and the mainstream press continue their pursuit of "truth."

9:00- The boy strings together all the words he has learned today in a primitive attempt at forming a sentence: "Daddy bears sock clock." It actually makes more sense the way it literally sounded:

Da Bears suck cock.

This kid is brilliant. More later, maybe.

12:30- The Boy and I are watching Olympic women's hockey, primarily because there's nothing else on. I'm bored out of my skull, but The Boy seems to enjoy it. I caution him that while squooshing somebody into the boards at 60 mph may look like fun, the sport is populated by meatheads and hosers with mullets. I gently informed him that he will be expected to participate in more cerebral sports like basketball and football (the kid's built like a linebacker already). Baseball goes without saying, as he appears to favor his left hand and can bounce objects off of my forehead from across the room.

12:45- OK. The US women's hockey team lost to the Swedes, meaning they will not be going to the gold medal game. NOW CAN YOU FOLKS IN THE LOCAL PRESS STOP FRICKING INTERMINABLY FLOGGING THEM?????? NOBODY CARED ABOUT WOMEN'S HOCKEY BEFORE, AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T NOW!!!!!!!

Christmas comes early

I know they’ll spin their way out of this but no matter what they say, the Star & Sickle elites are two-faced, hypocritical, piece-of-shit bastards.

The cartoons are gratuitous they said, and refused to print them. But new photos from an old story surface and…

American public deserves to see them all.

The state department warns that it could inflame violence among the subhuman Islamic hordes that want to destroy western civilization but…

American public deserves to see them all.

In an attempt to be consistent, the dick-faced jackasses at the Star & Sickle didn’t print the photos but you can follow either of the two links they provided to view them (salon.com. and salon.com) because…

American public deserves to see them all.

for those who are too blind to see the hypocrisy here, I'll explain.

We’ve seen enough photos. These are more of the same and showing them would serve no purpose other than to piss of the towel-headed dirt bags. Showing them would be gratuitous.

C’mon you S&S C-suckers, print their freaking, scraggily faced profit with the bomb in his turban. Piss off the radicals in the Twin Cities so we know who they are, draw them out of the holes they live in.

Let them face us in the light of day so we know who wants us dead.

Print all the cartoons that have pissed off these murdering thugs after all…

American public deserves to see them all.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch

Now some effete coneheads are complaining that Cheney granted hiss interview to Fox News because he wanted softball questions.

Which begs the question: what possible "hardball" question could there be about a fricking hunting accident?

The wheels are turning...

MIKE WALLACE: Thank you for granting 60 Minutes this exclusive interview, Mr Vice President.

DICK CHENEY: You're very welcome. Mike.

MIKE: I have only one question for you.

DICK: Only one? OK. Shoot.

MIKE: ...

DICK: Heh heh. Just a little levity there, Mike.

MIKE: I see. Here's my question: Does your shooting of a friend followed by 18 hours of obfuscation and stonewalling finally prove conclusively that you are the Spawn of Bealzebub, the keeper of the Flame of Damnation, third son of the Prince of Darkness who shall return to earth in the Final Days to feast on little innocent babies' brains?

DICK: Yes -SHIT! - I mean - No! Of course not!

MIKE: Looks like I tripped you up there, sir.

DICK: *erp* -

MIKE: [Turning to camera] So there you have it. The Vice President, by his own admission, is the Dark Lord; The Keeper of the Brimstone Pit of Despair; Heir to the Kingdom of Satan; who took delight in - even joked about - the cold-blooded shooting of a friend .

STOPWATCH: tick tick tick tick tick tick tick

Somebody Hire This Guy

There has to be a place for someone with this guy’s entrepreneurial spirit.

I’m killing you for your own good

The Star & Sickle is famous for printing commentary pieces like this one.

Anne Lamontt is an example of why people who are proabortion are one of the most inflexible, intolerant bunch going.

She made it through most of her meme before she jumped off the tracks and showed her true colors.

I just love her choice of words:

Plus I am so confused about why we are still having to argue with patriarchal sentimentality [ie. sappiness, corniness, schmaltziness] about teeny weenie so-called babies -- some microscopic, some no bigger than the sea monkeys we used to send away for—"

What a selfish, patronizing bitch. My guess is she ripped babies from her womb out of convenience. And this shit about “so-called” is an insult.

This so-called Christian would rather protect the life of a serial murderer than that of any – repeat any – unborn baby, regardless of how far along the pregnancy is.

If I may, I would like to edit Ms. Lamontt’s work. My additions are in bold:

Plus I am so confused about why we are still having to argue with patriarchal sentimentality about teeny weenie so-called babies -- some microscopic, some no bigger than the sea monkeys we used to send away for and others so large and close to arriving via natural birth that a doctor must induce labor, partially remove the “fetus” cut it’s head open and suck out it’s brain so the dead body can be removed from the real, live, already born women, many of them desperately poor, get such short shrift from the current administration."

No limits Anne. Is that the goal? No limits regardless of the circumstances?

If the baby is still in the womb you can kill at will. That, my dear enlightened Anne is a morally reprehensible and disgusting position. Especially when you finish it off with this piece of crap reasoning:

But as a Christian and a feminist, the most important message I can carry and fight for is the sacredness of each human life, and reproductive rights for all women is a crucial part of that: It is a moral necessity that we not be forced to bring children into the world for whom we cannot be responsible and adoring and present.

So the best thing one can do is KILL THEIR BABY.

How about adoption you stupid bitch? You, by your own admission, have killed more than one of your babies. What if you had given them to a family that actually values human life – born and unborn?

You are a hopeless human being. So steeped are you in the bullshit of the feminist movement, you can’t open your eyes to see the harm your favorite pastime has inflicted on this world.

F*&^ You.

Moron Mail: Fair and Balanced

A recent KAR study found that 79.7% of people who write letters to the Strib are missing a chromosome. Don't ask questions: it was a totally unbiased study based on non-cherry-picked data conducted by someone with whom you agree - me:

LIBERAL MEDIA?

Study says no


A recent study covering the last nine years of political discussion shows on ABC, CBS and NBC shows a true imbalance in political news coverage slanted toward the right wing (and perhaps the neoconservative).

For every progressive commentator on the Sunday news shows there were four conservatives in the run-up to the 2004 election. It's time to debunk the "liberal bias" myth once and for all.

Those who would accuse the media of a liberal slant would do well to read and understand this report (
mediamatters.org/items/200602140002).

MR. MAGOO, MINNEAPOLIS.

The media is deucedly right wing!

"Proved" by a "study" of Sunday talk shows!

And the study was done by Media Matters!

Which was founded by the same deluded fool who coined the phrase "Right wing noise machine"!
!!!!!

And now we all enjoy a hearty laugh!

[Explosive, sustained laughter engulfs KARNation]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and speaking of the "right wing noise machine": I haven't ever received a memo. Has any one? I assume that I am part of this grand machine, yet nobody ever tells me what kind of noise I'm supposed to me making. Anyone?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Sorry. Sorry about that.

Let me compose myself before I make a few observations about the Media (*snort*) Matters (*pfff*) uh, study, that proves -

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

No, no really! I should be serious here because...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deep breath. Deep breath.

...

...

Ok. I think I'm ready. Some observations about the "study," which you "would do well to read and understand":

* Media Matters never uses the word "liberal," instead opting for the Orwellian "progressive".

* The "study" concerns itself solely with the one-hour Sunday talkers on the Big 3 networks. This highly scientific methodology doesn't look at the real target of where the vast majority of liberal bias claims are aimed: reporting, editorial decisions regarding placement of stories (did Abu Ghraib merit a front page story ever day for three months on the front page of the New York Times? Not unless you've got an agenda.) and the choice of sources. If you do the calculations, this amounts to approximately 99.99999999976409% of the news media's output (broadcast, cable, print and internet) in a given week. Versus the three hours on Sundays that Media Matters concentrates on.

* The criteria are ridiculously subjective and easily manipulated. One quick example: the "study" counts Zell Miller as a Republican / Conservative. Fair 'nuff - he grew a brain in recent years. However, I would bet a significant amount of George Soros' money that MM did not put guests such as Lincoln Chaffee, Olympia Snow and other Republican equivalents of Zell Miller in the Democrat / Progressive column. MM doesn't tell us.

* David Brock is a flaming tool. Q.E.D.

* MM seems blissfully ignorant of the fact that over the course of the "study" the number of elected Republican officials (the "newsmakers" who generally get booked on these shows), including the entire executive branch increased.

* The "study" merely counts heads. It gives no value to the content (e.g. a conservative guest getting assaulted with withering lines of questioning; a liberal guest getting soft peddled - or vice versa. Doesn't that play into the bias calculus as well?). From pg. 19 (20 in Adobe doc):

Readers should be clear on what we did not do: These classifications do not represent an
analysis of what each person actually said when she/he appeared on a show on a given
date. Coding each guest's comments for their ideological slant would have introduced
enormous difficulties and opportunities for subjectivity. Instead, we simply classified each
guest based on her/his general partisan or ideological orientation.


* The "study" counts George Stephanopolis as "neutral" because he's a "host" now (pg. 21 /22 in Adobe doc).

* No, really: David Brock is a really, really massive tool.

* And George Soros is his sugar-daddy.

* In short, this "study" is worthless for proving MM's, and Mr. Magoo's, thesis.

So there, Mr. Magoo, I read and understood the "study".

If only you understood it too.

Ya gotta love this one

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Moron Mail -or- When You Jerk Your Knee Too Quickly, You're Likely to Swallow Your Own Foot

Meet the sanctimonious beeeeyotch of the day:

I don't really care that it took a day for the White House to admit that Dick Cheney shot his hunting partner. But two other things do bother me.

• The victim is being blamed. When I hunt, it is my responsibility to know what I am shooting at and where everyone else is. I have been in Cheney's situation, but the difference is I didn't pull the trigger and no one was hurt. A bird got away instead.

• He just gets a warning for not having a proper stamp? I believe if it was an average "Joe," a citation would have been issued for negligent discharge of a firearm or something similar. Probably a fine with a requirement to go though a hunter safety program.

JOY GOBBLECOCK, NEW RICHLAND, MINN.

Dashed this tripe off a little too quickly, eh Joy?

“You can talk about all of the other conditions that exist at the time but that’s the bottom line and — it was not Harry’s fault,” [Chaney] said. “You can’t blame anybody else. I’m the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend.”

But maybe Joy has a point. Maybe Chaney should have immediately publicly prostrated himself before a bunch of cretins who hate him anyway before his friend's body even hit the ground.

The second bullet point is turned aside easily by none other than that reliable Administration appologia mill, The Smoking Gun (emphasis mine):

As a result, a warning citation--which carries no fine or penalty--will be issued to Cheney, which state officials described as "routine."

Reminds me of the old saying: "When you assume, you probably are a shit-eating knee-jerk jackass from New Richland."

So, Ms. Gobblecock -if that's your real name (it isn't) - how does your foot taste?

I'm guessing it probably tastes better than the place where your head currently resides.

And that goes double for you self-salad-tossing coneheads. Perhaps you can devote this Sunday's Opinion Exchange section to a debate about how tasty one's own ass is. I'm sure Jim Boyd and Garrison Keilor have a lot of good insights on the topic.

(Whew! That felt good. Keep those complaints coming!)

Living, Breathing Constitution Update #3

It's hard to read exactly what changes the Constitution inflicted on itself in the 2nd Amendment since 1796. However there are two schools of thought on how that clause reads today.

The Conservative or "Hestonian" theory posits that the 2nd Amendment now reads thus:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

On the other hand, the liberal "Brady / Nonmonkean" faction feels the 2nd Amendment reads this way:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

I have nothing to say

What the hell is this? Where’s the news value? Will the Star & Sickle will stop at nothing to save a worthless TV show that is a veiled attempt to push Shillary for President?

God, I hate these people

The elites from the Star & Sickle have finally weighed in on the Dick-Cheney-For-Attempted-Murder flap. It took until today because, reportedly, they’ve had their collective noses wedged in canine butts on display at the Westminster Dog Show.

That said today’s installment the typical greasy rectal discharge they produce on a daily basis: Cheney is Satan, W is an idiot and both are lying bastards.
The song is getting old.

I think the editorial page at this rag should have a standing headline:

We hate George W. Bush and all Republicans.

While reading this mess, I couldn’t help but think they must’ve slept through the Clinton years. After all, any spinning going on here – and there is plenty to be sure – was learned at the feet of the Arkansas master (and the shrew he’s married to).

Do they not remember the Lewinsky Affair? “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.”

How about “It depends on the meaning of what the word “is” is.”

Don’t forget the White House travel office and the subsequent trial and acquittal.

Shall we talk about the bouncer that was in charge of security, or the FBI files or the Rose Law Firm files that, lo and behold, were found under a stack of books that sat untouched for several years?

How about the lies he spewed after his first 100 days in office, “I worked harder then I ever have in my life” and there is just no way I can give the middleclass tax cut I promised every day of my lying sack-of-shit campaign.

Bill was the master of spin and lying, but he carried the water for the Lefties and that’s all that matters.

These two-faced jerk-offs wouldn’t care if Clinton was a convicted rapist (they sure don’t give a damn that he’s been accused more than once), he vetoed a bill that would have banned the murder of partial born children and that’s all that matters to them.

Living, Breathing Constitution Update #2

While I was in the neighborhood, I thought I fill you in on what many think the Living Constitution wrote into itself in the 4th Amendment:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

FOR PURPOSES OF THIS AMENDMENT, THE TERM "UNREASONABLE" SHALL BE CONSTRUED TO INCLUDE EAVESDROPPING ON INBOUND PHONE CALLS FROM ABROAD INVOLVING PEOPLE WHO HAVE, AND INTEND TO CONTINUE, SLAUGHTERING INNOCENT CIVILIANS.

Living, Breathing Constitution Update

Since the US Constitution is a "living document," it is necessary to revisit the text from time to time took keep up with its latest cunvulsions and self-amendments.

Here is the text of the 1st Amendment as it reads right now, February 15, 2006 (additions in CAPS, deletions in strikethrough):

Congress OR ANYBODY ELSE shall make no law respecting an establishment acknowledgement of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof or abridging the freedom of speech EXCEPT "OFFENSIVE SPEECH," WHATEVER THAT MIGHT BE, or of the press; OR OF THE PRESS' RIGHT TO BE INFORMED IMEDIATELY OF ANY MISHAP INVOLVING A PUBLIC FIGURE NO MATTER HOW IRRELEVANT IT IS TO THE DISCHARGE OF THAT PUBLIC FIGURE'S DUTIES; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, UNLESS THE ASSEMBLY IS NEAR AN ABORTION CLINIC, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Give the People What They Want

Devoted reader Robert writes to complain:

I feel obligated to inform you that the quality of KAR posts are declining.

Now, I might be compelled to give a shit if people: a) paid for the content of this blog; b) allowed us a "down" week or two once in a while - I can't play the lovable-nutjob-on-meth role all the time; c) sent a compliment or positive feedback our way every once in a while so we have a better idea of what hits and what misses (although I acknowledge and thank all those who have done so); or d) helped us out when we come under the occasional moonbat attack.

That being said, Robert redeems himself by at least making his criticism constructive:

I like Learned Foot's brilliant legal analysis, haiku's, and when he says poop alot

I like Dementee's raging rants, and when he eats moonbats.

Fair 'nuff.

From yesterday's Strib (emphasis mine):

In one of her answers, Sen. Michele Bachmann states that "in the Netherlands, group marriage is now legal." This is a complete lie, rapidly spread by the right wing media outlets.

The people in question in Holland entered into a private agreement not licensed or recognized as any kind of legal marriage by the Dutch government. People in any society can enter into similar legal contracts.

VAN WAN DYK, ISANTI, MINN.

AND NOW, YOUR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN MOMENT OF THE DAY:

Aside from his cutting-edge legal observations, this guy can also fill you in on all the latest activities of the N0rth Star Gay R0de0 Assn.

OK. First, he accuses Bachmann of "lying" (and again, I must implore all moonbats to buy a friggin' dictionary) about the group marriage thing in the Netherlands.

Then he writes that that the Netherlands does not license or recognize group marriages.

THEN he characterizes these group "arrangements" as a "legal contract".

I'm not even going to try to research Dutch law, so I'll just nuke the shit out of his "argument".

BRILLIANT LEGAL ANALYSIS PART:

Stripped to its essentials, a contract in the sense used by Dyk has two essential elements. First, there must be a meeting of the minds resulting in an agreement. Second, it must be legally enforceable (as intended by the parties) by a court of competent jurisdiction. If it's not enforcable, it's merely an agreement, and not a contract.

EXAMPLE: Say I agree with Frankie "the Nose" Nunzio that I will purchase his Porsche for $50,000. We memorialize the agreement in writing, I pay him the money (cash, of course), and per our agreement, he promises to deliver the car on Monday. When Monday rolls around, "The Nose" not deliver the Porsche. Instead, he delivers a '72 Pinto.

I sue the piss out of him. And I would win (assuming I could remain alive long enough to get the case docketed), because we 1) had an agreement and b) it was legally enforcable according to its terms. There was a "legal" contract and one party breached it. The law will provide a remedy.

Now let's change the facts. Let's assume that instead of contracting to buy a car from "The Nose," I instead agree with him to pay him $50,000 to whack someone who wrote me a complaint about my blog. He takes the 50 grand, but likewise fails to perform his end of the deal.
If I sued him, would I win?

Of course not, silly goose! The subject matter of the contract (murder) is illegal, and the courts will not sanction illegal behavior. The contract is void ab initio. That is, not only is it unenforceable, but it was never even a contract in the first place because it was missing one of the two elements essential to contracts - legal enforceability.

So back to Dyk's letter. If, as he asserts, you have groups of three or more people forming arrangements (read: "agreements") that are characterized as some sort of equivalent of "marriage;" and if Dutch courts enforce these arrangements, then a legal contract exists. And if this group living arrangement is a "legal contract," how exactly is that different than the Dutch government "recognizing" polygamous marriage (by way of its courts rather than its law-making body)?

It's not.

And then it follows, if the converse is true - that the Dutch government has no law recognizing polygamous marriage, and courts will not enforce these so-called "legal contracts" - then they're not really contracts at all, and Dyk is, um, lying.

THE PART IN WHICH DEMENTEE EATS A MOONBAT:

DEMENTEE INTERRUPT: COME TO DEMENTEE, BROKEBACK MOONBAT!!!!!!! ME WANT TO EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT YOU!!!!!! RAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

*CHOMP*

THE PART IN WHICH LEARNEDFOOT SAYS "POOP" A LOT, IN HAIKU FORM:

Poop poopy poop poop
Poop pooper poop poopy poop
Poop poop poop and poop.

Happy now?

Haiku About My Current Condition

NyQuil hangover
Head floats. I'm on a visit
To Planet Lovetron.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Open Thread for Sisyphus and Chad

Rules:

1) Sisyphus & Chad only (except for when intervention of the Sisyphus Open Thread Admin is required)

2) Insults are encouraged

3) Chad may not use the letter "E".

UPDATE: The Sisyphus & Chad Open Thread has been postponed due to illness.

Pwn This!

Ahem.

If you are a video gamer and routinely use the word "pwned" in that context, you are merely a dork.

If, however, you use "pwned" in a context such as:

David Gregory so totally pwned Scott McClellan at the press conference this morning!

you tend to portray yourself as an irredemable acne-riddled paste-eating mallowmar who deserves to be hung on a coat hook by your underwear daily, and whose every assertion up to and including "it's cloudy outside right now" should be given the utmost scrutiny for its veracity and insight.

That is all.

Don't Make Him Poink You

Swiftee has a cause that doesn't involve giving a certain fat gob of suet blogger heartburn.

Best do as he asks.

Catch the VD Fever

The Notorious B.I.L. is KAR's resident Valentine's Day (VD) expert. He lives for the holiday. If you look at Bill's talents, you can tell that VD courses through his veins every day of the year. For instance, it's well-known that Bill is an expert gift wrapper and a crack pie decorator. But also, he carries VD with him even when he's at the office, where he is a Sales and Marketing (S&M) guru.

In short, Bill "gets" VD.

Unfortunately, Bill is still busy with his recent move and with his ongoing S&M exploits, so it is left to me to spread the VD joy.

Everyone here at KAR wishes you and your sweeties the best on this day, and hope that VD inflames your passions. Let this VD discharge the icky things from your soul, and make your love contagious.

Dick Cheney Needs to Take David Gregory Hunting

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

I succumbed to the temptation. I promised myself I wouldn't make any Dick Cheney hunting jokes - primarily because they've all already have been made. I even went so far as to write an archaeology post to avoid the topic.

Oh well. Just count the title to this post as a fantasy of bodily harm inflicted on one of the White House press corps' biggest grandstanding poseur gasbags.

Yes, Gregory is a pompous windbag:

The most heated public moment occurred during McClellan's off-camera "gaggle" with White House reporters yesterday morning. It featured NBC's David Gregory, one of McClellan's most persistent inquisitors over the last year, who raised his voice while asking a question about the incident.

"Hold on," McClellan interrupted, pointing out that "the cameras aren't on right now. You can do this later."

"Don't accuse me of trying to pose to the cameras," Gregory replied. "Don't be a jerk to me personally when I'm asking you a serious question."

"You don't have to yell," McClellan said.

"I will yell," said Gregory, jabbing his finger in McClellan's direction. "If you want to use that podium to try to take shots at me personally, which I don't appreciate, then I will raise my voice, because that's wrong."

Get over yourself, David.

Monday, February 13, 2006

A Digression: Ethnic Pride

This story brought me back to my heady (and woozy) (and horny) days as an undergrad at the University of Minnesota majoring in anthropology / archaeology. One of the major papers I wrote during the course of my studies was about the Iron Age Greek wine trade with the cultures of Europe beyond the great empire's frontiers. Much of the story, like the one that will be pieced together in the coming years from the discovery in Pella, flows from the presence of a single artifact found in a luxurious tomb.

If archaeological geekiness bores you, go occupy yourself with this until I'm done. For the rest of you: I promise there's a payoff at the end.

Much is made of the hegemony of the Greek Empire that spread through conquest and subjugation. However, during the height of the empire's influence, Greek Culture surged beyond her official borders through trade. Formalized relationships formed throughout the known world through vigorous commodity exchange. To the denizens of northwestern Europe, few imports were more seemingly important than Greek wine.

Much, if not all of Greece's Iron Age commerce with the northwestern frontier cultures passed through the Greco-established port of Massalia, which is now Merseilles, France. Wine from the motherland, and from places elsewhere in the empire, entered through the port there, and went up the Rhone to the hinterlands inhabited by people the Greeks called Kelthoi, and whom the Romans later referred to as the Gauls. Along with the wine, the Greeks either traded or gave as gifts to their Kelthoi contacts accoutrements necessary to process and serve wine in a civilized manner. The landscape of central and northern France is littered with archaeological sites that yielded scads of amphorae (for transporting wine), wine serving sets (pitchers and goblets) and kraters (for mixing wine with water - more on that in a moment.)

One of the most significant finds regarding the formal trade relationships between the Greeks and the Kelthoi is the tomb site at Vix. This lavish burial site dated to circa 500 BC, contained, inter alia, a full wine service set and a massive krater (pictured at left). Given the adornment of the female occupant of the tomb and the elaborate and several items buried with her, it's a safe assumption that this was a rather important woman. Thus, the presence of the Greek wine-related objects among the objects in the tomb indicates a certain formal, high level commercial or political relationship between this particular band of Kelthoi and the Greeks. Furthermore - and more importantly for my purposes - the presence of the Greek wine paraphanalia suggests there wasa certain centrality or importance of the wine trade to the Kelthoi.

As mentioned above, kraters were used to mix wine with water to make it more palatable. The Greek wine at the time was a highly concentrated, high-alcoholic-content concoction that (probably) tasted similar to grappa. However, analysis done on the residue found in many of the kraters discovered from this period in the Kelthoi lands show (though not entirely conclusively - these sorts of tests can often yield inaccurate results) that the Kelthoi didn't dilute the wine. They drank it straight - and probably got shnockered fairly quickly. What was unspeakably uncivilized in the cosmopolitan Greek peninsula was standard operating procedure among the outlying bands in northern France.

One has to marvel at these hard-partying ancient folk with their iron constitutions and steel livers.

Many of you are aware that I have a significant amount of Sicilian blood running through my veins. Indeed, I outwardly exhibit many Italian traits: I'm hairy, swarthy, can cook, and have an enormous penis.

Ha ha. Just joking about the penis thing. It can more accurately be described as "well above average size."

But, actually I have even more Irish blood. I don't exhibit quite as many of those traits as I do the Italian ones. But I do have the temper, the hauntingly seductive eyes, the stereotypical thirst...

Which is why I burst with pride when I think about Vix and this relatively obscure (at that moment in history anyway) band of hard-drinking party guys and gals. These people, these Kelthoi, are better known in our vernacular now as "Celts" (and let's not forget the Romanticised "Gauls", which we now see used more for their descendants' language than the people themselves: Gaelic).