Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Horror...The Horror

A little birdie told me that Dementee might be posting a solo podcast very soon.

Pray.

Arsenic and Old Lace

A damned fine movie, Arsenic and Old Lace, and now we have a possible case of life imitating art.

Ain’t life funny?

The Return of OPG

FINAL UPDATE: 1:00.

Our old pal Obnoxious Packer Guy (OPG) is back at it again. He is currently at Clark Hinkle Field - the Packers' outdoor practice facility, planning to pull some harebrained stunt. Because we refuse to give OPG publishing rights to this blog, I have agreed to post his e-mails to me as a sort of ersatz liveblog of his exploits. All comments below are his unless otherwise indicated.

FURTHER NOTE: It occurs to me that this is one of those liveblogs that would have a better impact if read while listening to a little Herb Alpert.

8:00am - I am camped out at the entrance here at Clark Hinkle Field. Practice doesn't start until around 11:00, so I'm biding my time with some cold brewskis. I am looking forward to sending a message to not only the Packers' front office, but also to the management of the other NFL franchises and, indeed, the nation. I have alerted the media to my plans. I hope they show up.

More later.

8:30 - It's a beautiful day for training camp. The beer is going down well (does it ever not?). It is a fabulous day to...

CHANGE THE WORLD!

More later.

9:15 - Out of beer.

9:30 - Just returned from the liquor store to grab a fresh case. I also have finalized the remarks I plan on making to the press, which are now memorialized on a cocktail napkin from the Stadium View. Less than 2 hours to showtime.

More later.

10:15 - Bubba Franks just walked by. I gave him the ole fist-in-the-air "Black Power" salute. He ignored me and kept on walking. Man, I love that guy's focus! I can't wait to be his teammate.

Oops, I may have said too much. More later.

11:00 - I see head coach Mike McCarthy. IT'S GO TIME!

11:10 - I have just demanded that McCarthy put me on the Packers' roster. He laughed and kept on walking. I insisted I was serious. You know what he said? He told me: "We don't allow disruptive, fat, out-of-shape middle-aged drunkards who have never played a snap in their lives on this team. We're in the business of playing winning football. We are not some make-work program. It's a personnel policy; nothing personal."

How rude! Expected, but rude.

It's time to talk to the press.

11:30 - The press turnout is fantastic. All the local affiliates are here, as well as the Big Three nets, CNN, Fox, ESPN and the NFL network. It's amazing how easy it is to suck some folks in with a simple-minded, attention-whoring, grandstanding and eminently ineffectual gimmick!

1:00 - Terribly sorry for the delay. But now that the booking process is over (and the Brown County Jail has WiFi!) I can relate to you the rest of my crusade. This is the prepared statement I delivered to the press:

"I have just completed my application to play for the Green Bay Packers Football Club. As was expected, they rejected my application out-of-hand. I didn't come here to actually contribute to this great organization. I came here to make a point. And to get on TV without having to go shirtless in sub-zero weather.

"My point is that there is a deep, insidious bigotry in the NFL. For all professional football teams have in place a policy of discrimination against the obese, the habitual drunkard, the unathletic and the uncoordinated. Millions are denied the opportunity to pursue their dreams of NFL stardom because of the way they were born.

"And who's to say we can't play with the current stars of the game. Among those of us in the Footbally Challenged community, are prospects like me who are fiercely loyal, and who have an ecyclopedic knowledge of team history. You know who the Packers picked in the first round of the 1967 draft? Bob Hyland and Don Horn, that's who. Do you think Al Harris or Ahman Green know that? I think not!

"It's because nowadays the NFL is a league of itinerant gladiators, money grubbers and crybabies. For every Brett Favre (may peace be upon Him) you've got three Javon Walkers or Darren Sharpers! But when someone truly loyal like me or the millions of others like me comes around, they are kept out by a hateful and discriminatory policy.

"Well no more! I will not acknowledge this unjust personnel policy! You will see me on that field eventually if I have to take the entire NFL down to do it!"

That's as far as I got before I was arrested.

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: I have really got to stop giving the nutjob a forum. Ah well, his spittleflecking grandstanding is amusing, if completely devoid of substance.

At least he got on TV.

This liveblog is over.

Moron Mail

We interrupt OPG's publicity stunt for a late-breaking Moron Mail...

We need more gatekeepers people! I'm not going to do a full-on fisk of this letter. It's long, windy, asserts opinion as fact (e.g. "our crumbling infrastructure" - Oh, really? Where? The new $20 million Guthrie Theatre falling apart already?), and looks as if it has been cut and pasted straight from a DFL broadcast e-mail. So I'm just going to concentrate on this one small part that contains an actual, verifiable lie (emphasis mine):

***

Minnesota has a proud tradition of AAA bond ratings, fine schools, a great university, sound infrastructure and a secure safety net for our most vulnerable citizens. We know that excellence requires an investment.

Under Pawlenty and Sviggum, we have lost that bond rating, our schools are in distress while property taxes soar, University of Minnesota students have seen 80 percent tuition increases [maybe, but on the upside, they're getting their money's worth -ed.] , our road congestion is strangling business, and every year we make cuts to those formerly covered by MinnesotaCare.

***

LIAR!!!! YOU LYING SACK OF LIAR POOP!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE LYINGEST LIAR THAT EVER LIED LIES!!!!!!!

Ahem. To wit:

The state receives credit rating on its general obligation bonds from three credit rating agencies. The state's current ratings are:

Moody's Investors Service Aa1
Standard & Poor's Corporation AAA
Fitch Ratings AAA


(Source)

Of course she's probably talking about the Moody's rating which went from an Aaa to Aa1, which is kind of like the difference between winning a baseball game by 9 runs rather than 10. But the state did maintain AAA in the other 2 ratings. So the lie here is really one of omission and exaggeration. (OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD!!!!!!!! MOODY'S DROPPED OUR RATING byamerefractionwhiletheratingsremainedatthehighestlevelbytheothertwoagencies. Ihopetherearenoenterprisingbloggersouttherewhowillbothertolookitup.)

We will bump OPG's whacked out ramblings back to the top as soon as he reports on his press conference. Thank you for your patience.

UPDATE: Forgot to point out this little table (scroll about halfway down the page - the table is just below the photo of a pile of $50 bills) that tends to show Moody's fickle view of Minnesota bonds. Note that even the Moody's rating is higher now than it was in 1990.

Say, wasn't Minnesota more of a "blue" state than a "purple" one back then?

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Carbon Neutral?

What the hell does that mean? Al Gore tells the world he’s “carbon neutral.”

He said he was "carbon neutral" himself and he tried to offset any plane flight or car journey by "purchasing verifiable reductions in CO2 elsewhere".

My translation: Al Gore is an elitist pig who rationalizes his environment-destroying lifestyle by engaging in a risky carbon trading scheme.

Under Al’s plan of “purchasing verifiable reductions in CO2 elsewhere” only the wealthiest will be able to drive automobiles and benefit from air travel. Only the wealthiest of individuals.

Kinda like living under Soviet-style government.

If Al really did give a damn about the environment, he would take up residence in Ted Kazynski’s old cabin and never be heard from again. But he doesn’t give a damn so we’ll have to continue to suffer from the greenhouse gasbag.

the blog mart - SPECIAL EDITION

the blog mart brian o'timm

(NOW WITH HYPERLINKS!)

Blogosphere praises of my glorious radio debut

I appeared on the Patriot Insider radio show on Saturday to lend my insights on the state of Minnesota's egregiously underdeveloped blogosphere. My appearance on the show added a new legitimacy to my claim as the foremost expert on blogs, vlogs and Myspace profiles that feature 16 year old girls posting semi-nude pictures of themselves.

The blogosphere is angry my friend! Oh yes, you can almost feel the steam of anger on your face as the boiling water of animosity is heated by the fire of partisanship. The only cure is the soothing balm of clarity that I bring to that Wild West that we call the "blogosphere". And let's face it: there's no one associated with that radio station that knows more about blogs than me.

So it was a little surprising that all the reviews from the blogs were positive.

"The only thing that would make this show better would be Mark Yost"

Chief from the Freedom Dogs Blog was enthusiastic about my radio debut, expressing shock at my excellent radio manner by writing "Sweet suffering crap!" Chief went on to make a plea for Mark Yost to rejoin the program. It's a hell of an idea: a current events program hosted by two guys with extensive experience selecting which letters to the editor to publish. That's ratings gold!

O'Brien motivates blogger

Andy Aplikowski of Residual Forces was stirred to action after listening to my segment on the Patriot. So filled with energy was Aplikowski that he wrote: "I have yard work to do". He was so excited it came through in his typing. His fingers apparently moved so fast he missed the apostrophe in my last name.

Ana remains mum

Ana Marie Cox has yet to opine on my watershed appearance on the Patriot Insider. She also won't return my calls. Did I do something to offend you, my sweet? Have you not witnessed the abuse I am willing to endure just so that I may profess my love to you? Ana? Do you hear me Ana? My patience is wearing thin...

SEE FOR YOURSELF: HOW TO FIND BLOGS ONLINE

Hopefully some of my blogospheric expertise has rubbed off on you, so that you are now able to successfully use the so-called "hyper-links" I have strategically placed in the article above.

THE BLOGS IN ANALOG: WINGNUT BLOGGER QUITS

Absolute zero.

Because nothing ever escapes my vigilant eye on the blogosphere, I was the first to notice that stalwart wingnut LearnedFoot of the Kool Aid Report peevishly quit blogging. Good riddance! I just hope that the bestest blogger in the universe Eva Young keeps plugging away. But should LearnedFoot decide to return and inflict more pain on an unsuspecting public, I shall be the first to know. Because I am a blogwatcher nonpareil.

KAR EXCLUSIVE: al-Zarqawi's Days Are Numbered

KAR has it on good authority that Al Qaida in Iraq leader Musab al-Zarqawi will be brought down within the next two weeks. Sources tell KAR that US and Iraqi security forces are planning on delivering an airstrike to an isolated, but undetermined safehouse near the town of Hibhib on or about June 8th. Interlligence has determined that, while al-Zarqawi is not presently in this particular safehouse, he will be on the date of the attack.

Another source speaking on the condition of anonimity also informed us that in this same attack they were going to take out al-Zarqawi's spiritual advisor Sheik Abdul Rahman and probably 5 other guys.

Developing.

In Which LearnedFoot Eliminates Crime and the Need for Fuzzbusters in a Single Post

Oh the glories of an internetless weekend! I didn't even look at a computer the last three days. Well, that's not exactly true. Due to the often destructive hijinks of The Boy, I was forced to google search "first aid for chemical burns". But even that would have been unnecessary had my parents possessed the foresight to purchase various medical treatises as I have done (which is a practice I highly recommend if you have psychotic children; your library should also include some home repair guides).

In any event, nothing major to report from our exploits in Wisconsin, other than to inform you that during our travels on that state's freeways, I discovered the comprehensive solution to Minneapolis' crime problem, high gas prices and traffic congestion. Normally, a major city would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on studies, consultants and other things that I now offer for free. No need to thank me.

Most people think that the best way to deter crime is by proactive policing. That is, the city ought to flood the streets with cops so that their mere presence would discourage criminal activity or, should some criminal act occur, response times would be shortened, creating a better chance of catching the perp and removing him from circulation. The downside, of course, is that 1) cops cost money; and 2) there is a finite pool of experienced candidates to fill those positions. However, the answer to these barriers lies just across the St. Croix.

Wisconsin has tons of cops. This became evident to me while traveling on I-94, where there was a speed trap roughly every 15 feet. So you know how that goes: you're driving along at approximately 78.5 mph in the middle of a pack of 10 cars when, all of a sudden, everybody stands on their brakes to get their speed down to e x a c t l y 65. The result: gas mileage goes way down (riding the brake is horribly inefficient), and a backup forms which extends all the way back to Eau Claire. So you can see how eliminating speed traps can loosen traffic and reduce the demand on gasoline. The reduced demand for gasoline coupled with a rollback of Wisconsin's punitive draconian ass-rape-o-licious gas tax (more on that in a moment) would go a long way to reduce gas prices.

I know what you're saying: "That sounds great Foot - we have all daydreamed about some sort of fantastic utopia where speeding is encouraged and speed traps are punishable by the death penalty - but what in the f**king f**k does this have to do with deterring crime in Minneapolis, you knob?"

I'm glad you asked.

You see: if Wisconsin has so many cops that it has nothing better to do than patrol the freeways in a manner that would make Benito Mussolini proud, they obviously have enough to spare. All Mayor Ryback would have to do is place a call to his philosophical and intellectual peer in the Statehouse across the border:

RYBACK: Dude, I hear you've got a ton of cops over there. I totally need cops here. Can I, like, borrow some?

GOV. DOYLE: Sure! How many do you need?

Joila! Minneapolis gets a fresh infusion of the Boys in Blue for all its punk-beating-down needs, and Foot can drive 90 in Wisconsin without fear.

Ah, but what if that rare synapse fires in Gov. Doyle's brain that causes him to realize that he's just basically giving away Wisconsin taxpayer money with nothing to show for it?

Let us now all enjoy a good laugh! No such synapse exists. But should a successor to Doyle possess such a synapse, perhaps a cop rental program could be worked out with the City of Minneapolis. The city gets a beefed up police force at a deep discount, and the need for such high Wisconsin gas taxes to pay for all those millions and millions of WHiP cops would be mitigated. With this new revenue stream, the legislature could act lickety-split to reduce the gas tax and thus reduce the overall price of gas to the consumer. Because everybody knows that the Wisconsin legislature really really hates that anal probe of a tax. Right?

...

Right?

Again, no need to thank me.

Friday, May 26, 2006

I'm Taking My Running Gags Back NOW!

I will never fake my own death again. Even when I return, people are picking over the corpse that was never there, stealing my gags as if they were gold fillings.

Andee at Rezidyooal Foursiz attempts a Moron Mail with disasterous results. To wit: he recommends a fictional novel to refute Al Gore, rambles on for far too long (a sin I have never EVER committed. EVER!), and uses mysterious words like "nutter".

Leave it to the pros, pal. The work product of a seasoned letter fisker would have looked more like this:

***

Let's Do the Time Warp Again:


Al Gore was right. In the election of 2000, he warned that large tax cuts were unwise because government budget projections were notoriously inaccurate. Since the 1980s, Al Gore has been warning about the perils of global warming. In 2002, while some others were afraid to do so and before it became fashionable, he was the first major, national Democrat to come out clearly and strongly opposing the war in Iraq.Five years have elapsed and what do we have now? We have a federal government mired in fiscal deficits as far as the eye can see. Our once-strong U.S. dollar has fallen 20 percent in value relative to the euro. We have a global crisis with the planet continuing to rise in temperature, but have no leadership whatsoever from Washington on the matter.

And finally, we are stuck in Iraq with our allies leaving us there and with no obvious way out.
Yes, Al Gore was right. But hopefully in 2008 we will have a choice again. We can yet again become fiscally responsible. We still have some time to save our planet from the ravages of global warming. We can again be a country that is admired around the world. I hope and ask that Al Gore gives us that chance to redeem ourselves.

WALT MONDULL, RICHFIELD.

Ahhh. More refreshing wisdom from the Strib's Letter o' the Day.

You know, there's something about Al Gore's platform that seems comfortably familiar. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't think we should dismiss it out of hand. Let's explore what an Al Gore prsidency would look like:

* An energy policy that is wholly based on austerity (i.e. conservation) and flight of fancy technologies that are decades away from being tenable.

* An isolationist Middle East policy that is content with the status quo ante. Requiring the periodic redefinition of "status quo ante" as necessary, following the latest descent into further madness in that region.

* Soak the rich taxation that discourages investment, which in turn drives up unemployment and interest rates, making credit and homeownership unaffordable for a majority of the nation's vaunted "middle class".

Wait a minute! I know why that seems so familiar! It's familiar because we already had a president like that:

Jimmy Carter!

How did that work out?

Pretty well if you think about it. The Carter presidency led to 12 years of Republicans in the White House (well, 8 years - with 4 more years of Republican Lite), and an inexhaustable supply of material for the Nihilist in Golf Pants et al.

***

And that, dear Andy, is teh way it's dun.

Your Friday Dose of Pulchritude

The Girl participated in her first dance recital last Saturday. While this sort of thing places me squarely out of my element, it creates a tremendous opportunity to foist cute pictures of her on to an unsuspecting public.

For some strange reason, The Girl's troupe followed a rather tarted-up performance by one of the studio's older classes (15 or 16 year-olds maybe) to Guns & Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle." Interesting choice. My guess is that the recital organizers had trouble getting the rights to use Tool's "Stinkfist." In a juxtaposition that had to give most folks in the audience aesthetic whiplash, the 4 year-olds went on to perform their tap routine to "Good Ship Lollipop."


The ballet number was to "Mr. Sandman." Big finish now:


Big thanks to Swiftee for the costume.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Rainbow Fisk

NOTE: This is the premier edition of the KAR Review of Books.

If you are a parent who reads to your children, there's a good chance that at one time or another you have inflicted Marcus Pfister's The Rainbow Fish on the little buggers. I'll bet a good portion of you were as appalled as I was when I first read this Marxist propaganda to my innocent little girl. What on the surface appears to be a tale about sin, redemption, sharing and getting along with others, is really a sick and insidious socialistic screed.

As yet another illustration that there are no depths too low for KAR, I shall perform another blogospheric first (that I'm aware of), and fisk a children's story:

A long way out in the deep blue sea there lived a fish. Not just an ordinary fish, but the most beautiful fish in the entire ocean. His scales were every shade of blue and green and purple, with sparkling silver scales among them.

The other fish were amazed at his beauty. They called him "Rainbow Fish." Come on, Rainbow Fish," they would call. "Come and play with us!" But the Rainbow Fish would just glide past, proud and silent, letting his scales shimmer.

OK. So Rainbow Fish (hereafter called "RF") is a dick. That's fine if that were the only premise. But as we shall see, Marcus Pfister's world is a twisted one indeed.

One day, a little blue fish followed after him." Rainbow Fish," he called,"wait for me! Please give me one of your shiny scales. They are so wonderful, and you have so many."" You want me to give one of my special scales? Who do you think you are?" cried the Rainbow Fish." Get away from me!"

At first blush, RF handled Little Blue Fish's (LBF) request badly. If RF weren't such a dick, he might say something like, "I'm sorry old chap, but I am quite attached to my pretty scales. Perhaps I could interest you in something that's not attached to my body, like this nice kelp for instance."

But if you think about it, how would you react if someone with a bad complexion walked up to you and asked you to give him some of your skin? I'll bet you wouldn't be able to empty your can of pepper spray into his eyes fast enough.

Shocked, the little blue fish swam away. He was so upset, he told all his friends what had happened. From then on, no one would have anything to do with the Rainbow Fish. They turned away when he swam by.

Lesson here: it's OK to slander people behind their backs no matter how unreasonable your offense to that person's slight was. Classy move, that. "Wahh wahh! Rainbow Fish brushed me off because I asked for a piece of his skin. The jerk!"

And because of this - not because he was merely a dick - is RF ostracized by his peers. Perhaps in this happy little reef, everybody is expected to distribute his organs. Call me insensitive, but I don't think RF was totally out of line here. Certainly not enough to earn some Amish-style shunning.

To avoid copyright issues I'll summarize what comes next.

RF seeks advice and finally finds it in the form of a wise old octopus (the"Nanny State"). The Wise Oc tells RF to give one of his pretty scales to each of the other fish. Oc reassures RF that what he sacrifices in beauty will be made up for in happiness.

M-kay. If we were talking about candy or toys that's one thing. BUT TO MAKE FRIENDS BY GIVING AWAY PIECES OF YOUR FLESH IS JUST CREEPY!

And this book tries to pass that off as "wisdom".

Anyhoo, RF ponders Oc's advice for a while until...

Suddenly he felt the light touch of a fin. The little blue fish was back! "Rainbow Fish, please, don't be angry. I just want one little scale." The Rainbow Fish wavered. Only one very very small shimmery scale, he thought. Well, maybe I wouldn't miss just one.

Carefully the Rainbow Fish pulled out the smallest scale and gave it to the little fish.

It's only three cents on every $20 you spend. It won't hurt a bit. Until...

The little blue fish whizzed through the ocean with his scale flashing, so it didn't take long before the Rainbow Fish was surrounded by the other fish. Everyone wanted a glittering scale. The Rainbow Fish shared his scales left and right. And the more he gave away, the more delighted he became.

Yes yes! I am indeed happy to pay more for a better coral reef. Now I am loved! And I only had to bend over and take it up my - whatever the fish version of "ass" is.

When the water around him filled with glimmering scales, he at last felt at home among the other fish.

Finally the Rainbow Fish had only one shining scale left.

At least the story is honest.

His most prized possessions had been given away, yet he was very happy.

And thus we arrive at the moral of the story: Don't be a dick. But if you are a dick, it is easy to ingratiate yourself with your peers by buying them off with pieces of your flesh.

Godawful book. The Girl is scarred for life.

EDITOR'S NOTE: If you would like to read your children a story about sharing, altruism and charity that finds it's source in generosity rather than compulsion or coercion, I highly recommend Shel Silverstein's Giving Tree.

Let's MilF Again Like We Did Last Summer

Planning for the 2nd Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KAR-Nation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic (hosted by LearnedFoot doing a bad impersonation of David Feherty - which really amounts to nothing more than repeating endlessly "Looks like yer gonna have to lay up there, snowflake" in a phony Irish brogue) is almost complete. Those who expressed an interest in playing should check their e-mails. If you did not receive an e-mail from me, let me know at koolaidreport at yahoo dot com, and I'll forward it to you.

The tournament will be on Friday July 7th at the TPC at Valleywood in charming and bucolic Apple Valley. The championship will be followed by a beer -n- brat reception (with trophy presentation) at the 19th Hole - or, as it's more commonly known, my place. As an added bonus, the Notorious B.I.L. will be holding a short pie decorating workshop during the post-tournament reception. You won't want to miss it!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Danny O'Keefe can teach us a lot about what's got Doug A11chin down

some gotta win
Some gotta lose
Good Time Charlie's got the blues
-Danny O'Keefe

Douglas A11chin of St. Paul doesn’t like the fact that in life there are winners and losers (An indication of Doug’s loser-ocity).

Give me a f&%$*#% break.

You my candy-assed chickenshit knob are fated to be a life long loser as are you kids and anyone who calls you “friend.”

This letter is so filled with touchy-feely, new-age, public education endorsed, ECFE-like, looser rhetoric I had to put the whole thing in (with emphasis only on the really stupid parts):

"American Idol" tipped its hand on May 17 (A2). The three semi-finalists split the vote so closely, it exposed the whole notion of a single winner as shameful.

Why the obsession with "winners" rather than many outstanding talents each worthy of recognition? The "winner-take-all" perspective permeates our cultural entertainment, from "Survivor" to athletic championships and TV game shows. The "Idol" results might remind us that humans generate and glorify all this competition. Nature did not force Social Darwinism upon us.

No surprise that this was the letter of the day.

Naming a winner is shameful. We are obsessed with winning.

What a crock of shit.

Under Doug's collectivist system everybody wins. Or, to look at it another way: nobody wins.

People like Doug don’t like winning and losing because they always come out on the short end.

I’m betting he got his ass kicked on a daily basis in school. I’m willing to wager that, when choosing teams in gym class or the neighborhood, the designated captains arm wrestled to determine which side would get stuck with the spindly Doug A11chin (methinks that name exposes the truth about Doug).

Doug is the whiner that ran home to mommy when called out at first because he couldn’t beat out a drive to the pitcher.

You are a loser, Doug.

L-O-S-E-R.

You suck at everything you’ve ever done and want to drag those who achieve down to your level of worthlessness.

You’re a L-O-S-E-R and an envious one to boot.

Get some sleep and wake up tomorrow ready to face the day and lose again.

See Doug lose today
And watch him lose tomorrow
Poor Doug his life sucks

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: Don't be so hard on him, D. I think Doug's just stumbled onto the only way the Vikings could ever win- er, get - a championship. They'd just have to share the title with 31 other teams.

DEMENTEE ADDS: If that's the case, you can keep your championship. Several years ago George Thole - the legendary football coach for Stillwater High School - got weary of the ever-expanding classes of high school teams - A, AA, AAA, AAAA, AAAAA, etc. As a solution he suggested, with a mocking tone, that the high school league provide trophies to every team in the state and, at the end of the season, those teams that believed they did not earn their trophy could return it to the league. I fear we are approaching that point.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

If for no other reason than to keep him from attempting another Moron Mail.

Sisyphus only, please.

The Illuminating Haiku of Foreshadowing Resolution

It's fun to stage one's
Own wake to see who will show
To spit on the grave.

Especially when
One drooling spitter wasn't
Even a target.

Where did that post go?
It's time to be nice again.
Poo flinging ends now.

Monday, May 22, 2006

So Long And Thanks for All the Sisyphus Open Threads

You know, Jeff Fecke is right: if I have the temerity to engage in a hobby where I and my cohorts publish our opinions, observations and spleen venting for all the world to see, we should be obligated to "debate" those who feel the need to challenge us (no matter how banal that challenge is). It's an implicit admission of being in the wrong to not address a series of snotty, self-righteous comments on their merits (no matter how banal those merits may be).

No matter how many times I mention it it always seems to be ignored by some idiot who has ordained himself as the "Truth and Sanity Police" (using, of course, his own self-serving definitions of both) of the blogosphere: The purpose of this blog is to 1) Have fun; 2) Rant at people and things that annoy us; and 3) have fun. The purpose of this blog was never to: A) engage in "debate".

The purpose of a "debate" is either to persuade or to at least arrive at some clarity of some issue. I have found that the one common trait of those who leave contentious comments here (and at many many other blogs) is that they are neither capable nor desirous of persuasion or clarity.

So "debate" in this context is a pointless exercise, no? And a colossal waste of time. And for me, free time to engage in a hobby is purchased at a premium.

So we generally avoid "debate". If you have read this blog for any length of time, that is probably manifestly obvious. But there are some people are incapable or unwilling to accept that.

The comments for this blog were intended to be either used for free-wheeling good natured smack or audience participation snark. They were not intended for some self-esteem deficient slugs to score personal points (in their own minds anyway) at someone else's expense. I suppose you could say that because we have used some creative tactics when policing comments to get this point across, that it makes us "wimps" or "thin-skinned."

So be it.

You'll notice I used the past tense in that last graf. That was intentional.

I'm done. Outta here. A spark on the horizon. I don't need this crap anymore. I have more important things to worry about. You would think that everybody does.

Bye.

P.S. This by no means means that the 2nd Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KAR-Nation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic (Hosted by LearnedFoot doing a bad David Feherty impersonation) is canceled.

So Long And Thanks For All The Sisyphus Open Threads

Congratulations!

You're one of the three people that typically clicks through when Jeff Fecke poops on me. I thought you folks were supposed to be the intellectually curious ones.

Or maybe Jeffie is the only "person" that reads his blog.

In any event, as usual, the Nutless Wonder has once again piffled off a half truth about someone in order to slime them. "Them," in this case, is me. But then what else would you expect from a castrated self-loathing male twit that typically informs himself with half the story?

Anyway, he's trying to make you think that I quit blogging and banned him from my comments because I can't handle his contrary opinions or some such BS. To wit: this is the post he intended you to go to. If that were all you had to go on, you'd think that I was some sort of thin-skinned crybaby. Of course, that's what Jeffie intended. Because he's a twit.

You'll note by looking at the sidebar archive links that blogging here did not cease that day in May, but rather, has been quite robust since. That's because I "quit" to teach little Jeffie a lesson. You see, he is smug, insulting and annoying. He doesn't want to engage you in "debate" as he's fond of saying, he just wants to make others look bad to build himself up with his half-informed unfunny snarks. I pulled the plug on KAR to show him just how popular and well-received his "contributions" to the public discourse, such as it is, were. I also wanted to make him feel like shit. I'm pretty sure it worked, although I'm equally sure Jeffie would offer a different story.

But then his post - which led to this one - pretty much shows what kind of cred he has.

Oh that was fun. A few people made themselves look really petty that day. I named all but one of them in advance. It wasn't pretty (check to comments to this post for a fine illustration).

But if you still don't believe me, ask yourself this: how come Little Balless Jeffie invoked my ire and was banned, while the likes of Smartie and rew, Mark Gislason, Cleversponge and others who disagree with me on a host of things are welcome here?

It's something other than "not being able to handle disagreement". It's because he's a twit. And the post that brought you here proves that.

The News in Haikus

Condoleezza Rice
Speaks at B.C. Some applaud;
Some show their they're asses.

Curses! One less chance
To write yet another post
About antitrust.

Shocker: Barbaro's
Done. More shocking: Nihilist
Did not bet on him.

Doug's too cheap to get
HBO. As courtesy:
SPOILER DEAD AHEAD!

Vito the fanook
Whacked by New York family
All out war ahead.

How could something so
Controversial be so
Mind-numbingly dull?

It is easier
To dance on the ceiling when
The building's been bombed.

Big Ten Football to
Return to Minnesota
Foot gets season tix!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Oh, Hello There

Sorry for not providing fix for you Foot Fetishists today (oh, I'm gonna pay for that one in google searches). Crushingly busy and all that. But I'm home now and...

...

...it's gorgeous outside.

So WTF are you people doing here? I'm fixing myself a VT and going out on the deck. All you loosers losers should do the same.

But if you're intent on some hot KAR action, or you have a laptop and a router (or a neighbor, closeby business etc. has one) so you can do it outside, why not take a stap at the KAR KODE. To my knowledge, only one person has solved it, and we are having a fantastic time in our secret hideaway ripping on Dan - a man who fancies himself as an extremely bright fellow who nonetheless is publicly popping a vessel in frustration that he cannot crack the code.

Fun stuff that.

Now go outside.

Oh, one more thing:

Swiftee is gay!

A Time for Dialogue

Today I join the growing chorus of those calling for W to open a dialogue with the maniacal president of Iran. What brought me to the other side is this article.

Unlike the naysayers quoted in the article, I don’t think President Mahmoud Nut-Job Ahmadinejad’s intensions are completely honorable.

I’m convinced that his only reason for wanting to identify Jews and Christians is so the predominately Muslim population will give them the respect and human dignity they so deserve.

When will you people conclude, as I now have, that Ahmadinejad didn’t mean it when he said Israel should be wiped off the earth? Can’t you take a joke? Have you never heard of political rhetoric?

And this Rabbi Marvin Hier character is way out of line bringing up the Holocaust and comparing the duly elected Iranian President to Hitler.

No one is proposing that Jews wear the Star of David, just a simple strip of yellow cloth.

Get off his back. It’s his country and if Ahmadinejad wants non Muslims to wear colored cloth so the rest of the citizenry can defer to them, so be it.

So, I call on W to invite President Ahmadinejad to Camp David for a weekend retreat – away from the prying eyes of the press that ruined Paul McCartney’s marriage – and take him for a walk in the woods to discuss reestablishing relations.

I wonder how well Ahmadinejad can “dialogue” with the barrel of a Sig Sauer P226 lodged in his fucked-up Muslim maw.



Sometimes You Win. Sometimes You Lose. Sometimes, It Rains.

Why, oh why do people continue to ignore my sports cred? If the poll was any indication, you folks out there so desperately want to take me down a notch that you are willing to be so fantastically wrong. Out of the 14 voters recorded by the poll (an anemic turnout, yet one still statistically significant enough to be used by Zogby), a plurality of 36% - 5 deluded souls - thought that Kevie's team would win the big Smackdown in E-Town. A whopping 78% "thought" that the outcome would be someting other than a win for my team.

As Bobo would say: "Silly bitches!"

The correct poll answer was "Team Ecker will lose pursuant to the mercy rule by the 5th inning." Actually, we relegated Kevie's team in the 6th, but for some reason, I didn't include that as an answer choice. The correct (correctest) answer only got 1 vote.

From me.

But hey, I didn't exactly light it up last night. But then again, Kevie was pitching (all the while wearing batting gloves on both hands - he's a meathead, but at least he looked good) and gave up 22 runs (final score was 22 to 7, and the mercy rule kept it from getting any worse.)

And I can't let it pass without noting that rew was wrong. Yet again.

Beer won tastes twice as good as beer earned.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Liveblogging My Gameday Preparations

LAST UPDATE: 3:40

Most of you are probably unaware that finely-tuned athletes like myself go through a rigorous mental and physical regimen on the day of a game. I offer this liveblog as a public service to those who want to know how to become an Adonis-like Beast of Domination on the diamond.

11:45: Just finished lunch - a carbohydrate and protein-rich meal of pasta and a grilled engineer.

11:50: Weight management. Took a poop.

11:55: Still pooping.

12:00: Still pooping.

12:05: Still pooping.

12:10: Done pooping. Time for some intel. Surf over to opponent's blog to guage his state of mind. He's desperate. I taunt him for good measure.

12:15: Keeeeeee-viiiiin...Keeeeeeee-viiiiiiiin...

12:20: Mental prep - Research the following hypothetical: Would it be moral to slide spikes up if Kevin is covering the base?

12:21: Conclusion: yes.

12:22: Dismiss the foregoing hypothetical and conclusion as moot, because of serious doubts that Kevin will ever be in a proper position to make a play on me, and likelihood that all of my triples will be of the "stand-up" variety.

12:23: Just firmed up a bet with Kevie - loser buys winner a six pack of beer. Anyone familiar with success rate of sports wagers involving beer knows that Kevie has just sealed his doom.

12:30: Break. Time to relax with a little Herb Alpert!

12:33: Scouting: Currently trying to acquire game film from Team Kevie's last game.

12:34: Decide that breaking down the film really isn't all that important since Kevies team lost their last game by a score of 12 to 1 against a team we had beaten by 10 the previous week.

12:36: Physical prep: just did a stomach crunch!

1:00: Motivation: Reading Strib letters. This one gets me fired up:

On May 19 "The Da Vinci Code" will open. Many Christians have cried foul over the movie, as well as the book, which I have not read.

However, in this country, we have the right to question our social and religious structures. This right is guaranteed by the First Amendment.

Even though I am a Christian, I plan to see the film -- not because I believe in what its message might be but because I have the right to do so.

WILLIAM SELF-IMPORTANTBITCH, SOUTH ST. PAUL.

I look forward to William's followup letter bloviating about whether he chose to purchase the $12 bucket o' popcorn or the $8 box o' Jujubeez to ingest during he movie. Or perhaps he won't by invoking his privacy rights under the substantive due process doctrine of the 14th amendment.

Did I miss something? Was there actually some threat by the government to censor this movie?

MOONBAT INTERRUPTS: I'll bet that theocrat Chimpee McBushitler wanted to -

LEARNEDFOOT'S SHOT GUN: KER-BLAMO!!!!!!!

MOONBAT'S HEADLESS BODY: *Plop*

I am getting sick and tired of all these intellectual poseurs invoking constitutional law where it is irrelevant. Ron Howard releases a movie. Some Christians think it's blasphemous. Some see the movie. Others don't.

Where is the state action in this?

I can just imagine what typical small-talk conversation with William might be like:

BIFF: Nice weather, huh?

WILLIAM: While I disagree with you - it's a tad breezy, and the UV index is a little high for my tastes - you certainly have a First Amendment right to opine on the current conditions.

BIFF: I'm going to punch you now.

Did I mention that this banal crap somehow merited the Strib's prized honor of "Letter of the Day"?

1:05: ME WANT TO SMASH SOMETHING!!!

1:07: I hope I can hold this fire until game time.

1:55: AFTERNOON WORKOUT. I start as always by blasting my quads.

2:00: Now I'm flaming my lats.

2:05: Working my traps.

2:07: I finish up with pinching my glutes, pulling my groins, pimping my rides, and popping my tylenol. Good workout.

3:00: STRATEGERIZING - Kevie may be pitching tonight. Given the restrictions placed on me by the One Home Run rule, should I call my shot to left or to right? I am concerned that if I call it to right - the opposite field - such an ostentatious display of power might be perceived as a classless act of showing Kevie up.

3:15: just met with my trainer. He gave me some dietary supplements and some "organic" topical cream which I took and rubbed on my body.

3:16: Whoa! I just got buffer.

3:17: Why do I feel so angry?

3:18: Zits are breaking out on my chest.

3:20: AHHHHH!!!! I just grew another penis!

3:40: My extra penis just fell off. This liveblog is over.

Metallica Can Teach Us a Lot About The Smackdown in E-Town

Let the beatings begin
Distributor of pain
Your loss becomes my gain... --Metallica

Tonight, for the first time, two MOBsters will sqaure off against each other on the field of battle.

Well, not so much "battle" - more like "softball." Which is one of those sports where the skill of the participants increases in direct proportion to how drunk they are.

In any event, tonight Team Foot takes on Team Ecker in Eagan for the right to ridicule and gay-bait the other mercilessly until the next time we play each other at the end of June.

I'll put a poll up on the side bar so you can cast your bets.

Reason #769 Why American Idol Sucks

It causes otherwise sane, insightful and quality bloggers to write barfiness like this:

Can the Soul Patrol withstand the McPheever?! Next week will tell us.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

We See Only What We Want to See

ATTENTION SELF-PROCLAIMED "CENTRISTS," RICH-BOY COLLEGE KIDS WHOSE IDEALISM OFTEN OUTSTRIPS THEIR EXPERIENCE, AND OTHER LIKE MINDED LEFT WING BOBOS:

You all have been quite lathered up about the MN Republican's new "smear" site called Amy's Record. Since its launch a few days ago you have spewed forth both outrage and derision. You assert that this is typical of the Republican party to resort to "name-calling and truth distortion," and observe that the GOP is always " first out of the gate when it comes to attacking the other candidate."

I agree. "Smear" sites are an embarrassment.

But since y'all seem to have quite the vista from atop your high horses, I'd be interested in your opinion of this site. You can also find a large link to it on the sidebar of the DFL's homepage.

Or on Leftrisity's sidebar. How 'bout that?

Oh, this page is my favorite.

Moron Mail (Non-DaVinci Code Edition)

Since the KAR Kode was apparently too difficult for you all to handle, here's a Moron Mail with no hidden messages:

If past practice is any indicator, Qwest President Joe Nacchio will be Swift-boated as unpatriotic

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

"Swift-boated"?

CAUTION: RUN-ON SENTENCE IMMINENT. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

You mean, like those guys who served with John Kerry, suspected that he was a complete shitheel, and then had their suspicions confirmed when he sold them out in his grandstanding Senate testimony, thereby feeding the North Vietnamese propaganda machine and making their lives in country, and those of their comrades in arms much more difficult, (and, indirectly, in some cases, shorter)?

They're not entitled to hold a grudge?

If not them, then who?

It's time you lefties put away this tired, vacuous, bitter-betty, puke-besotted, meaningless trope. M-kay? Your guy lost. We're going on two years now. It's time to get over it.

And evidently, the flip side of "Swift-boating" would be the $200 billion lawsuit. Oh, but I'm sure the intentions of all parties (and attorneys) to that suit are totally pure.

Even if, as it appears, they have no case.

because he refused the NSA's request to violate the law.

Citations, please?

And, despite being misled for six years,

*sigh* Do you people have any new lines? Or do you plan on continuing to repeat the same words and slogans over and over and over and over and over and over without any support? Just keep throwing them out there, until one sticks. (Actually, judging from meaningless opinion polls, they are sticking.) How about this:

People who write letters to the Strib have been known to rape gerbils!

many will continue to give the Bush administration the benefit of the doubt and see nothing wrong in one more invasion of their right to privacy.

If waiting until all the facts are known before making up my mind and offering an opinion on the subject so as to not make an ass of myself (like so many many many others have done before me) equates to giving Bush the "benefit of the doubt," then dip me in butter and call me "Crisco".

And even in my greasiness, I wouldn't be as big of an ass as...

PAT MAIYASS, ST. PAUL

People who write letters to the Strib have been known to rape gerbils!

Moron Mail

Kook-job, thy name is, er, hyphenated:

Nick Coleman is in total denial regarding the DeLaSalle stadium issue (Star Tribune, May 12). He refuses to believe that this issue is much larger than just Rep. Phyllis Kahn and Nicollet Island residents.
Wow you're clever!
Fair 'nuff. Sounds reasonable - even moreso since the writer is disagreeing with nonMonkey. That tends to be a safe postion.
You figured out what to do!
There are many others who are opposed to closing historic Grove Street and building a stadium at this location.
Now the next step.
I buy it. I may disagree with this person, but I don't see why this was chosen as rising to the level of Moron Mailness.
Is to find the hidden haiku!
There are multiple constituencies including preservationists, historians, environmentalists, park lovers and
It's not as hard
OK. We're to the last phrase of this letter. There must be some real drooling stupidity in the last 9 words. Otherwise, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
As it may sound.
those who believe in separation of church and state.
Just go look.
SCREECH!
For where haikus are normally found...
Huh, wha?

Yeah, there it is.

KATIE SIMON-DASTYCH, MINNEAPOLIS.

Oh, I get it - DeLaSalle is a Catholic high school. And allowing a high school to build a facility in which football is played would somehow advance or promote a religion.

Why do I think there's more than meets the eye here?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A Gift to Our Readers

In celebration of our 100,000th hit (which occured around noon today) Bobo has a special treat for KAR Nation: A dramatic reading of the Stone Temple Pilots song Plush.

This is not -I repeat: not - a tactic to divert attention from Bush's low poll ratings.

KAR - where the nonsense never ends.

The News in Haikus

Her fake Brit accent
Must have driven her hubby
Over borderline.

Graft knows no party.
Democrats are too stupid
To figure that out.

Bush delivers speech.
Pundits yammer endlessly.
LearnedFoot yawns wide.


At last, a platform
That can deliver the votes:
Orgies, more orgies!

Forget Duke lacrosse.
This is better: soccer chicks
In panties kissing.

To solve the code, don't
Go too far. Some is (sic) not
Always redundant.

Be warned: after
Following the link, you must
Remove obstacles.

Moron Mail Moron Mail

Oh what a clever penis:

Don't get fooled again

George W. Bush's approval ratings are hovering around 30 percent, nearing the low point for his father's presidency. Now both father and son are endorsing Jeb Bush for a possible presidential run.

What was it Dubya said, again? "There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again."

Let's pray that we won't be fooled a third time!

[The unfortunately but aptly named]
PETER J0HNSON, MINNEAPOLIS

Wow. I bet the folks at DNC headquarters had to work around the clock to draft that template for their latest newspaper letter blast campaign.

One normally has to visit a morgue to encounter such clever wit.

Oh look - another guy with a penis euphamism for a name:

President Bush, already the least trustworthy president since Richard Nixon, wants us to take it on faith that the secret collection of domestic phone records by the National Security Agency is completely "lawful" and does not jeopardize the privacy and civil liberties of law-abiding U.S. citizens.

To echo Bush's own words: "Fool me once ... shame on ... shame on you. ... If fooled, you can't get fooled again."

I'd rather abide by a phrase used by revolutionary-era American patriots: "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

PETER BRAINFRIED, MINNEAPOLIS.

Wow. I bet the folks at DNC headquarters had to work around the clock to draft that template for their latest newspaper letter blast campaign.

One normally has to visit a morgue to encounter such clever wit.

...

Whoa. What just happened?

...

On an unrelated topic, it looks like Pete has some issues with LearnedFoot's Rule of "So."

...

On an unrelated topic, it looks like Pete has some issues with LearnedFoot's Rule of "So."

A KAR Milestone

Sometime today, KAR's Site Meter will record its 100,000th unique hit. We were going to have a big party, but unfortunately the President just deployed Dementee to the border to eat illegal border crossers, and Bill is off on a week-long pie decorating retreat. Maybe we'll get together for #1 million...

Trafficwise, there are a few caveats. Among them:

1. According to Site Meter's algorithm, the same lonely loser can be a "unique visitor" each time he pulls up our page, so long as each visit is 1 hour from the previous one.

2. KAR receives a large number of hits from unassuming - and now mentally scarred for life - search engine users using search terms such as:

* Jello kool aid drool

* Why hockey sucks

* Anal leakage; and

* Atomizer thinks Ralph Rapson is a crappy architect

On the other hand:

A. Our site meter was only installed in January of 2005 - about 3 months after we launched KAR;

2. We have never - ever - been linked to by Power Line, Instapundit, or certain radio talk show hosts who also happen to have a blog; and

d. There are some obsessive blob like turnips out there who hold the theory that if your site meter records 150 hits in a day, it means that your actual traffic is in the low five digit range.

But be that as it may, this humble blog has enjoyed a certain amount of success that eludes approximately 97.43% of the blogosphere. Since I'm not very good with touchy-feely expressions of gratitude, I'll just leave it to our old pal:




Monday, May 15, 2006

the blog mart house

NOTE: This Saturday's "blog house" did not appear in the Strib, purportedly because its author, Tim O'Brien is on vacation. That turned out to be untrue. KAR has obtained an exclusive copy of the column which was to have run on Saturday, but was spiked by the editorial staff at the last minute. While the editors at the Strib thought that it stood up to the Strib's exacting standards of fair reporting, O'Brien alluded to a naughty word that should not be used in a family newspaper.

the blog house tim o'brien

I am the paragon of objectivity

The blogosphere was alive with vibrant conversation this week. The topics ranged from NSA's phone-tapping program to party nominating conventions. As usual I am here to provide a fair and balanced summary of the bloggy goings on, from a slavishly neutral point of view.

Party hack MDE sucks and I hope he gets hit by a bus

Michael Brodkorb of Minnesota Democrats Exposed (1) - a totally illegitimate blog in my unbiased opinion - took his single-chromosome partisan hatchet jobbery on the road this week. Blogging from Las Vegas, the notorious Republican propagandist posed the question "I wonder what Sinatra would say about the changes to Las Vegas?"

I'm sure Ol' Blue Eyes would say: "Get outta my city you wingnut bozo!"

Residual spell-check

Right-wing wingnut Republican propagandist and lovelorn blogger Andy Aplikowski (2) reached a personal milestone this week when he spelled the word "the" as "teh" for the 50,000th time.

Ana Marie Cox is a stone-cold hottie

I'm thinking of you Ana (3). Are you thinking about me? I long for your acerbic wit and the salty taste of your soft, pale flesh. I want to touch you and feel your breath on my neck. I have a burning in my loins to caress your buttocks in the moonlight.

Foolish fish photo fudging dooms Kennedy campaign

By far the big bombshell of the week was the discovery by the nonpartisan DFL Senate blog (4) that Senate candidate Mark Kennedy's campaign may have doctored a photo of the congressman holding a fish. As one commenter brilliantly put it: "WORST. PHOTOSHOP. EVER."

Learned Foot, the resident a-hole wingnut at the hyperpartisan wingnut blog Kool Aid Report (5) viciously attacked the poor, well-meaning souls at DFL Senate claiming that they were "hallucinating".

Eventually it came to light that the "worst photoshop ever" was actually not a photoshop job at all. However, the consensus among all the blogs that matter seemed to be that Kennedy was holding an unacceptably small fish which ipso facto makes him unfit to serve in the Senate.

In my unbiased opinion, I can't argue with that logic. Anybody who does is a small-minded fool.

SEE FOR YOURSELF HOW TO FIND BLOGS ONLINE

1 Minnesota Democrats Exposed - minnesotademocratsexposed.com
2 Residual Forces - residualforces.com
3 Ana, Oh Ana, I long for you - anamariecox.com
4 DFL Senate - fantasiesrus.com
5 Kool Aid Report - koolaidreport.blogspot.com

THE BLOGS IN ANALOG: MOONBATS HOLDING SIGNS.

Absolute zero.


Certain wingnut bloggers have taken to altering photographs of great patriotic citizens holding signs at protests. These are not legitimate blogs. If this journalist had his druthers, I'd ban the lot of these vicious attack blogs.

Photoshop boobery has no place in the legitimate blogosphere. And candidates for office who pose for pictures while holding fish out closer to the camera with the obvious intent to fool those with less perceptive eyes into thinking the fish is bigger than it actually is should withdraw from the race.

Disgusting!

Reader Mail

Burt Hooperflaven writes in with a question:

Dear Foot,

Don't you think that you're going a wee bit overboard with this phony fish photoshopping flap?

Kind Regards,
Burt

Dear Burt,

No.

Love,
Foot

P.S. Stay tuned for a very special Blog Mart.

OUTRAGE! More Kennedy Photoshop Chicanery!

The following picture was, until very recently on the front page of Mark Kennedy's website:


It has since been removed (and greatly reduced in size) and placed in one of the obscure back pages of that site.

But once again, we see that the leading wingnut campaigning for the Senate is not above doctoring a photo for political ends.

This is obviously a cheap photoshop job. Look at the flag: the stars on it are *HUGE* compared to the faces of Kennedy and his "family" (if that is indeed his family). Either that is one GINORMOUS flag, or the Kennedy Clan are some weird race of four-foot tall midgets.

And what's more, the doctoring is incompetent. Look at the field of stars again: THERE ARE ONLY 20 STARS!!!!!!! Kennedy's Photo Doctoring Technician couldn't even find an up-to-date image of the Star Spangled Banner to put in as a phony backdrop to this "picture" of Kennedy's pygmy family.

What a disgrace!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Ceci n'est pas une Photoshop

I offer this post solely to confuse, flummox and completely befuddle the readers of DFLSenate:


That sound you hear is "Liberal Chick's" head exploding.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Top 11 Other Assertions Made By the DFL Senate Blog That Turned Out to Be Untrue

Yeah, KAR has a new dartboard. And if Tim "MDE Is Not A Real Blog" O'Brien doesn't give this the same treatment he gave the Minnesota Democrat Exposer, he will be mocked mercilessly in the Blog Mart very soon.

NOTE: The following items may be totally made up based on my closely held stereotypes of the Cranially Deficient-Based community.

11. John Kerry is a charismatic leader with a lot of ideas!

10. We are only interested in the truthful discussion of issues.

9. In 2004, there was widespread Republican voter fraud in Ohio and Florida...

8. ...And the elections in Wisconsin and Washington State were totally clean.

7. Chris Doughtery is so totally gonna win American Idol!

6. Mark Dayton is so totally NOT Minnesota's contribution to the mental health profession.

5. We have the smartest commenters in the whole world!

4. I rarely read the Kool Aid Report, never find it amusing, and I am totally not attracted to LearnedFoot.

3. Norwegianity is a great blog.

2. Amy Klobachar is the Hennepin County Attorney

1. Bush lied!!!!!

Nice Try

The Alternate Reality Based Community here in Minnesota is all atwitter about a picture on the front page of Senate candidate Mark Kennedy's website that they purport has been photoshopped to make it look like the congressman caught a big fish.

The drooling masses of the "Big Tent Party" (think: clowns and elephant shit) somehow see a "third arm". Here's MK's homepage with the pic. Here's what the droolers say about it.

Here's a zoomed in version of the "third arm" (click for bigger pic):




See the crinkles on the flesh near the fish's gills? Why that looks like a knuckle. Right where it would be if a GUY WERE REALLY HOLDING A FISH. *gasp!*

(For you DFLers out there: the "knuckle" is that part of your finger that you can never quite get all the way up into your nose.)

And just above the ventral (is that the right word?) fin, and partially obscured by it, you can see Kennedy's elbow.

Again, right where it's supposed to be. *gasp!*

(For you DFLers out there, your "elbow" is that part of your body that you are always confusing with your - oh never mind.)

One Kennedy. Two arms.

And one more hallucination from a group of people who are prone to them.

Please bloviate about "incompetence" some more, please.



UPDATE: Polinaut concurs. With better photo blowuppedness than I am capable of.

UPDATE 2: What makes this nonapology from Jim Jones rew (which even so does acknowledge that the pic was not photoshopped) extra hillarious is it juxtaposition with the rank and file kool aid drinkers' comments on the original lie post:

Liberal babe Says: May 12th, 2006 at 1:51 pm

Worst. Photoshop. Ever. That shadow is totally fake, as is the way he's holding it. As any self-respecting Minnesotan knows, if you've got a fish by the gills, you are forearm-up, with your fingers tucked up and in. Mark seems to be grasping the fish like he would a can of beer Diet Coke, but we don't see any other parts of his hand…Plus the angle has him holding the fish around the middle? Huh?

I'm no fish expert, but the top dorsal looks…odd. And why is that down, when the other fins at are full salute?
Oh, and If you're going to fake a photo op, at least have the decency to remove extra appendages
.

Worst. Eye. For. Detail. Ever.

It. Wasn't. Even. A. Photoshop. Job.

Suck. On. It.

But then, drinking the kool aid has been known to cause brain damage.

Awash in Misery

UPDATED YET AGAIN 1:20

I am brought low.

I have barely the will to punch out this post. My humours are drained. I have nothing left. I am miserable; drowning in a desperate ennui. Depression descends upon me, closing in from all directions and I fear that soon my whole world will become inky black.

Black.

Black.

Black.

Oh, opaqueness of despair! Oh fetid midnight of wretched misery! Please stay your brick bats for but a moment longer so that I may bid my loved ones farewell, and then find some obscure corner of the earth, where nobody can see me cry. A place where I can wallow in my wretched state away from those who celebrate in glee upon hearing the same news that has plunged me - and all other conservative bloggers into the Pit of Anguish.

Oh God: why hast though forsaken us? Why, oh why do George Bush's job approval ratings continue to spiral downward? Why have you visited this plague upon us? My ego is crushed. My pride is hurt, for Those That Dance With Glee tell me that the approval ratings are merely a proxy for my philosophy. And thus the aggregate opinion of a representative nationwide sample of 2000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 taken between May 5 and May 8, 2006 have totally and conclusively refuted us all. We are objectively wrong and can no longer hide it.

Oh, woe is me! Woe is me!

UPDATE: I walk in the shadows of the Valley of Death! Yea, LORD, You were able to deliver the Israelites from the Exile and slavery at the hands of the Pharoah! Yea LORD, You delivered the innocent from the Angel of Death! Why canst Thou ease the suffering of Your humble servant by making 51% (or, even better, a healthy 60%) of a representative sample of adults between the ages of 18 and 65 agree with me? That is, if the Bush approval numbers bear any indication of my righteousness or wrongatude!

All is lost! All is lost!

UPDATE 2: My Tears of Despair so water the ground that the Thistles of Loathing are begining to grow and overtake me.

UPDATE 3: Uh, I'm actually starting to feel better now. Could it be that I am becoming like those who exault in the low poll numbers of politicians? Only time will tell.

UPDATE 4: Yes...yes. I am definitely feeling better now. I wonder why?

UPDATE 5: Yep, the despair is completely gone. And I think I know why. It's because

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OPINION POLLS. NO NEWS CONSUMER WITH A FUNCTIONING BRAIN AND AN IQ ABOVE THAT OF A LAVA LAMP GIVES A SHIT ABOUT OPINION POLLS.

Of course, if I was insecure and possessed a pathalogical need to be constantly validated (compare and contrast), I might. But I don't. I care more about my personal aproval ratings; from the unspeakably banal to the pressingly important.

And I'm grateful to be doing well on both counts (BTW in that picture, The Girl is making a "You're #1!" sign with her hand, not the "'L' for 'Loser'" one). Everything else is meaningless.

In fact, I can give you a long list of things that disappoint me more than the latest manufactured news driven by people who happen to pick up telephones and answer survey questions because they just so happen to be home during the day. Chief among these: my fabulous new irons have yet to touch the fuzzy, well-manicured bent grass of one of this area's fine golf courses.

What some idiot in Des Moines thinks about the Prez? Not so much.

But if you are one of those Muppets who do like to fixate on these plolls, our old pal and butt-blogging brother Ryan put it best when responding to a semi-regular dull-witted KAR comment troll who brought it up (believe it or not the comment - which has since been mangled by me for its inanity - was along the lines of "You are posting this nonsense because Bush's poll numbers went down again!" No, I am not making that up. Ryan can vouch for me.) in the now legendary Shot in the Dark substitute comment thread:

Don't be such a tool.

On a related note, upon learning of the two point poll drop, I have to poop again.

I would just add "...and get a life."

And, yes, I too have to poop.

UPDATE 6: Back in a funk now. I just discovered Howie Kurtz doesn't read KAR (or at least didn't read it through the last update).

I'm devastated.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Just Because









Moron Mail or Stone Temple Pilots Song?

Below are three excerpts. One of them is today's Moron Mail. The other two are decoys - passages from two of my favorite Stone Temple Pilots songs written and recorded back when Scott Weiland was at his most drug-addled. Try to guess which one is the Moron Mail (HINT: look for the one that makes the least amount of sense).

1) So, wasting time chasing those cows that fly. Churning out all that butterfly sugarboost. Track the blade as it sweeps downward and onward. Take a pill: it'll kill all the martyrs, martyrs.

Passing time ripping as time kicks by. Pass the umbilical cord down for this fly by. Take a sneak while the model earns it - earns it. Hike a mile as it keeps crawling on crawling on.


2) Waiting on a Sunday afternoon, for what I read between the lines - your lies! Feeling like a hand in rusted shame, so do you laugh or does it cry? Reply?

Leaving on a southern train - only yesterday you lied. Promises of what I seemed to be only watched the time go by. All of these things you said to me.

Breathing is the hardest thing to do. With all I've said and, all that's dead for you - you lied! Good bye!


This is tougher than it looks, isn't it? Was that yet another "Bush Lied / Millions Died! Let's impeach Bush!" fevered hallucination of a Strib correspondent, or merely a drug hallucination of Scott Weiland?

Here's the 3rd option:

3) The Iranian president's letter to President Bush, citing their religious common ground, is an interesting event that could open up the opportunity for much-needed dialogue between radical Islam and the West. I hope it is not dismissed as a propaganda ploy.

Someone with U.S. backing should organize a conference to facilitate discussion among Iranian clerics, fundamentalist Christians, secularists and experts on various civilizations to clear the air on ideological differences that may otherwise lead to war.

Seize this opportunity to talk, and we may find ways other than nuclear confrontation to deal with each other.

OK. So which ones are the nonsensical surrealistic narcotic musings of a talented yet tragicly nihilistic performer, and which is the nonsensical unrealistic ramblings of a Strib lobotomite?

I'm interested in seeing how many get this one right.

Tina Turner Can Teach Us a Lot About Why American Idol Sucks

We don't need another [posing diva-like plastic cookie-cutter dime-a-dozen pseudo-R&B forgettable disposable pop garbage purveying] hero. --Tina Turner

Yet another season of American Idol is all but lost. Once again, in their fine tradition of lowest-common-denominatorism, AI fans ousted the one singer - Chris Doughtry - who might appeal to people other than 16 year-old girls, in favor of a couple of overwrought warblers who, while completely boring and rote, can sustain a note for several measures. Well, Taylor Hicks is still there - the only one left on this gosh-forsaken show that departs from the stupefyingly boring norm.

And he'll be gone next week. Because everybody knows that pop "music" is more about how long the singer can warble a note without his or her voice cracking than it is about entertaining the audience.

Pure. Utter. Crap.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

New Level of Stupidity Discovered

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the letters after reading the simply fucking stupid letter from Marshall Burke of Woodbury, the Star & Sickle saw fit to print this piece of utter moronicness.

Frank Dyson of St. Paul eclipses simply fucking stupid, achieving the level of criminally insane.

This idiot, this fruitcake, this nut job actually trusts the wacko President of Iran.

What the hell are smoking, Frank?

How can you trust someone who’s gone on record – more than once – saying Israel needs to be destroyed, that the Holocaust never happened? Are you fucking serious?

What if your neighbor stated for all to hear that he wanted you and your family exterminated?

What if he said you should be killed and your wife gang-raped before being dismembered in the street?

What if he openly wished your children should be dragged through the streets and their bodied hung from trees for all to spit on and throw rocks at?

What if this same psychotic son-of-a-bitch then wrote you a letter saying he wanted to talk things over?

Are you going to sit down with him, have a drink and a cigar?

If so, then you are a much bigger idiot than even I can imagine.

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: Gee, that letter sounds vaguely familiar...

[scrolls down 1 inch]

Aha!

Moron Mail

Check out this nose-pickery:

Whom do you trust?

So

The Rule of "So" is once again evoked by a Strib drooler! Brain damage induced rantings dead ahead...

the president of Iran sent a letter to President Bush, and Bush's State Department said it was insignificant, and did not plan to answer it (May 9). Never mind that this was the highest-level diplomatic communication between these nations in over 25 years.

Um...

It was insignificant ("WHOA!" The lefties all say. "That's not the article I expected this wingnut to link to!") It was an 18-page rambling missive (one that I'm sure you average letter writer to the Strib would admire) that not once mentioned the word "nuclear," and which closed with Abnejenizad Abdulkareemhazad Abercrombieazad Iran's president calling on George Bush to convert to Islam.

It sounds not only insignificant, but deluded as well. Not that a Strib drooler would recognize delusion when he saw it...

It appears to me the Bush administration wants to go to war against Iran regardless of facts, just as it did in Iraq.

And your conclusion is drawn based on your own personal intelligence assets I'm sure. The one that all lefties are issued that allows them to know absolutely how to handle these things - and write interminably about it.

I wish the president of Iran would publish the letter, that the world might see what Bush & Co. consider "insignificant." At this point, I consider the president of Iran more trustworthy than my own president.

And I consider my psychotic 18 month-old son more intelligent than...

...FRANK LEE IDIOTIC, ST. PAUL.

Oh no - I'm not "questioning" Frank's "patriotism". I am however questioning the results of his last clean drug test.

Open Thread for Shot in the Dark Exiles

The commenting at Shot in the Dark is down. Those of you who frequent the comment threads over at Mitch's place already know that this is a great loss to the blogosphere. Some of the most stimulating conversation, as well as the most hostile rhetoric this side of Howard Dean, can be found on those threads.

So, as a public service to you - and as a favor to Mitch who has done so much for this blog - KAR will facilitate any comments that people wish to make to Shot in the Dark, but now cannot.

Mitch's comment trolls only please.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

STUDY: Majority Don't Believe in Atheists

According to this article in today's PiPress, atheists are polling down:

Earlier this year, as part of a 2,000-household survey on American attitudes on diversity, we made public our findings that atheists - a relatively small, unassuming and nonpolitical minority group - are the least-trusted people in America. They are also the minority group most Americans don't want their kids to marry and are "least likely to share the everyday American's vision of society."

I'm going to put aside the mealy minded "attitudes on diversity" thing here. I mean, I'm fairly certain that 95% of people steadfastly subscribe to the view "I don't care who you are, if you don't piss in my kitchen, I really have no problem with you." Let's all just have our communal gag reflex at the word "diversity" and move on to the meat of this post.

*gag*

OK. Let's move on. These sociologists are shocked that atheists are, for lack of a better term, unpopular:

The findings took us by surprise. Frankly, we thought atheists were a "throw-away" group in the sample. After all, atheists are neither high-profile nor organized, and they represent only about 3 percent of the country's population, a mere bay leaf in the melting pot of American culture.

Well, they are, of course. Most of them anyway. Most of them - as is the case with any subpopulation you want to carve into an insular group - are unassuming normal people whom you wouldn't be able to spot in a crowd. The only real thing that separates them from the rest of the population in any visible way is what they choose to do on Sunday mornings.

But alas, likewise with arbitrarily carved up insular subpopulations, there are some among them who are loud enough to be heard over the unassuming murmurings of the rest. People who see their philosophy, creed, race etc. as the jumping off point for some sort of crusade. However, there are two differences between the self appointed mouthpieces of the atheist community, and so-called leaders of other groups:

1. The atheist position, when put forth in a public and combative light, stands at odds with 85 to 95% (depending on whose numbers you believe) of the American population; and

2. To a man, the outspoken atheists tend to be insufferably arrogant assholes.

You know them. They're the people who chastise those who believe in God as weak minded fools pursuing a fairy tale who then turn around and file time and resource-wasting lawsuits because their fragile little eggshell psyches cannot brook the existence of the word "God" on currency or in the Pledge of Allegiance.

You know them. They say things like:

Religion is induced insanity. -- M.M. O'Hair

or, a more recent, more local, but less famous example (link excised):

It's a reminder of the idiocy I will fight to my dying day. Oh, and may you stew in ineffectual ignorance until your dying day, and may you then pass on into oblivion blissfully, confident of an eternal award, unaware of the darkness before you. As you live with your eyes closed, you should end the same way.

Nice.

As for that last quote, it's merely the first one I stumbled across. Many of you know the site, and will back me up on the assertion that you could troll the archives for weeks and still not have enough time pull out all the hate-filled (dare I say - bigoted) droolings directed at those (85 to 95% of people) who believe in God.

Then you have the google searches...

..which tend to be self proving even when you try googling the inverse.

But, again, if you think same-sex marriage is an oxymoron, you are a hate filled bigot.

Fuck you.

Just like I believe that people who think same-sex marriage is a stupid idea don't deserve to be smeared as bigots by the drooling left because of 5 people with "God Hates F@gs" signs, I don't think that people of goodwill who don't happen to believe in God should be dragged down into the sewer by these insecure narcissistic loudmouth shitboogers.

So really - and this is just a theory - it's not that most people distrust atheists for what they believe. It's just that people are somewhat flumoxed that atheists haven't beaten down those few among them who have been allowed to paint an untrue and unflatterportraittait unflattering portrait (WOW! does blogspot's spell checker suck) of them.

And if they need any help, I'd be happy to lend a hand.

Moron Mail

Some people are dumb, some are ignorant and others are simply fucking stupid.

Marshall Burke of Woodbury is simply fucking stupid.

Illegal aliens have been flowing into this country for years, YEARS, and this asshole blames it on W because he’s been President for 6 years and was Governor of Texas prior to that.

Hey, Marshall, if you’re going to go after the Governor of Texas, don’t forget the gray-haired hag Ann Richards. She was there before W and, apparently did less than nothing to stop Mexicans from crossing the Rio Grande.

Editors note to the hypersensitive lefties (a redundancy for sure): I know Ann Richards has cancer. I was in Dallas when the announcement was made – no it was not a GOP conspiracy. I hope she recovers, but her condition does not negate the fact that she is a gray-haired hag.

What level of stupidity has Marshall Burke of Woodbury achieved when he blames the current President for a problem that predates his election by decades?

I answered that question already.

Marshall Burke is a simply fucking stupid, lefty hack who refuses to think before he opens his mouth spewing all manner of maggot-filled bile onto his family and neighbors:

The system is broken. The man at the head of our government for six years and governor of the longest border either didn't recognize the problem or didn't care.

He is right about one thing, the system is broken. On the other hand, he’s wrong about everything else.

Let me tell you something, Marshall, there are a lot of people in this country who would love to do something about illegal immigration. People who would love to stop it dead in its tracks. But jackasses like you are the first to jump to their feet and scream, “Racism,” whenever a proposal is made.

So, until you, and others like you, see fit to keep your oral sphincters shut, the problem is going nowhere.

The Day's News in Haikus

Mr. Stern, I beg you:
Please stay at Sirius, where
No one can hear you.

Here, have a cookie.
Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop
Poop poop poop poop poop.

It's "The Day After"
Except, instead of nukes, death
Comes via chickens.

Do I watch "Fatal
Contact" or "Idol" tonight?
Third option: kill self.

Prison food is a
Major upgrade from Armin's
Previous diet.

Babes are satisfied.
Dudes would rather do it a
Lot more. So, what's new?

Ben's having tough times.
Here's something to heal the wounds:
Add one more flava.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Moussaoui Tries to Recant Plea Upon Learning that There Is Little Opportunity to Be Anally Raped in a Supermax Prison

Convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacharias Moussaoui is having buyer's remorse:

Less than a week after he was jailed for life over the September 11 attacks, Al-Qaeda plotter Zacarias Moussaoui submitted a motion asking to withdraw his guilty plea so he can have a new trial.

"Moussaoui wishes to withdraw his guilty plea because when he entered the plea his 'understanding of the American legal system was completely flawed'," his lawyers said in the motion.

Moussaoui said in an affadavit "I now see that it is possible that I can receive a fair trial" in the United States.

He no doubt came to this realization when he read the wikipedia entry for "supermax prison," and found that he was under the same mistaken assumption as I was when I wrote this. Indeed, according to wikipedia, life in a supermax facility for the latently homosexual wannabe terrorist is pretty much like being single in Des Moines:

In Supermax prisons, prisoners are generally allowed out of their cells for only an hour a day; often they are kept in solitary confinement. They receive their meals through "food ports" in the doors of their cells. Prisoners are given no work and very little access to leisure activities, though some categories of prisoner are allowed to have a television. When Supermax inmates are allowed to exercise, this may take place in a small, enclosed area where the prisoner will exercise alone. Prisoners are under constant surveillance, usually with closed-circuit television cameras.

KAR regrets the error. But probably not as much as Moussaoui does.

A Date for MilFers

The 2nd Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KARNation Open Championship Celebrity Golf Outing Classic (Buick bailed on the sponsorship because of that lesbian post, and David Feherty obtained a restraining order) has been scheduled for Friday July 7. Instructions regarding how to sign up will be forthcoming.

Check your e-mail sometime in the next week.

Too busy today, but...

...I had to share this with the KARines.

I am exceedingly busy today and do not have the time to provide a full post, but I had to share this with you.

Be very careful and make sure you have nothing in your mouth, or stomach for that matter, as it may immediately fly forth and splatter your monitor with partially digested food matter.

Scroll down.

You've been warned.

I don't want any complaints.

It is really quite hideous.



YYYIIIIKKKKKEEEEESSSS!

It's Joan F&%#ing Crawford back from the grave.

Can you imagine this as the face of the House Majority Leader?