Monday, July 31, 2006

If You Think I Need to Apologize for this Post, You Are a Sad Little Ignoramus

Back in college, from time to time my roomies would have parties which featured the alcohol-intensive libation known as "wop". Everybody loved our wop, and people would come from miles around (even from Coon Rapids!) to drink our wop with a brat and 'kraut.

The day of the wop would always follow the same routine. First, we had to clean all the gook left in our cooler from the last party until it was spic and span. We'd hose it - and each other - down until the cooler sparkled, and everyone present was left with wet backs. Each of us would grab a towel, head back inside, and start making our wop in earnest.

Next we'd mix the boozy base of the concoction. First, we dumped all the booze we had purchased into the cooler. The mixture was heavy on the uber-potent Everclear. If you want a wop with a kick, you can't afford to be niggardly with the Everclear.

Then we'd soak the fruit in the booze for several hours. The fruit is key to a good wop, since their natural juices tend to retard the harshness of the booze. (Plus, the liquor-soaked fruit is a great home remedy for when you get a frog in your throat.) We included copious amounts of citrus fruits which gave our wop its trademark limey flavor.

As for the rest of the solution - we improvised. We were always trying to improve our formula, using our guests as unwitting guinea pigs.

Then the guests would arrive. Dozens of our closest friends would gather to drink our wop and choke back a brat. Some engaged in lively conversation; most of them puffing on their fags.

We had such a great time, we always left wondering "where did the daygo?"

Inevitably, one of us smart-asses would exclaim in faux indignation, "Did you just call me a 'dago'?!" To which came the inevitable reply, "No - I just forgot to hit the space bar, and you are a hypersensitive knee-jerk dumbass."

The Joke on the Hudson River

As if more was needed, the United Nations gives us more proof that the organization is a gutless debating society for the Leftists of the world.

From the Fox News website:

UNITED NATIONS — The U.N. Security Council passed a resolution Monday giving Iran until the end of August to suspend uranium enrichment or face the threat of economic and diplomatic sanctions.

Because of Russian and Chinese demands, the text is weaker than earlier drafts, which would have made the threat of sanctions immediate. The draft now essentially requires the council to hold further discussions before it considers sanctions.

The draft passed by a vote of 14-1. Qatar, which represents Arab states on the council, cast the lone dissenting vote.


Raise your hand if you think Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be cowed into ending his quest for a nuke.

The finger wagging diplomats at the UN need a kick in the ass, preferably one that will land them back in their home countries never to darken our shores again.

What the fuck do theses idiots think will be accomplished by telling a nuke-craving psychopath he faces the “threat” of sanctions. You know Ahmadinejad is sitting in his presidential palace laughing his ass off and throwing darts a peasant wearing a Kofi mask.

The UN is filled with morons. Hippie-era throwbacks that were mentally stunted by consuming too much LSD and actually believe in the Utopian bullshit they conjured up while high.

Anyone who supports this group of diplomatic misfits – and therefore is against John Bolton – is seriously retarded.

The US Senate can’t act fast enough in confirming Bolton as our UN Ambassador.

Wanted: The Next Stanley Kubrick*

KAR is looking for someone out there with digital video equipment and editing software (and the chops to use both well) to help us bring to realization my latest hare-brained idea. The end product will be a short (5 min.) video, the subject matter of which is a closely-held secret. The video must be finished and ready for public consumption by the beginning of November 2006 (and no, despite the release date, it is not at all of a political nature). Video camera is desired, but not necessary. That is to say: the project will involve more editing of existing material than shooting new content. Must be willing to work for, on and with beer.

Serious inquiries only to koolaidreport (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Closed circuit to Dave - this one's right up your alley, buddy, and will be well worth your while if you have the requisite qualifications and the willingness to make a trip to the Twin Cities.



* Actually, we'd be willing to settle for the guy who directed Showgirls.

Moron Mail

I don't know if this brain turd was the product of bad reporting or sheer stupidity; but my guess is that it's a little from column A and a little from column B:

Rogue researchers?

What if, in the interests of science and health, stem cell researchers followed the precedent of many others who have violated the letter of the law in order to achieve goals that they deem essential to the overall benefit of society? How many researchers is President Bush willing to prosecute and jail for doing the work a majority of U.S. citizens believe is critical?

LIZZIE BORDEN, MINNEAPOLIS

Well, she'd have a point if conducting stem cell research was against the law, and Bush's recent veto of the so-called Stem Cell Research Bill had the effect of keeping the practice illegal. But down here on Planet Earth, the reality is thus:

Some stem cell research is continuing, despite the recent bill veto by President Bush. According to a post at the Inside Bay Area website by Mirek Kolias notes that the existing research, which began with Bush's first news conference back in 2001, has already spent over $90 million on such research, which is still ongoing.

As Kolias notes, "What President Bush vetoed the other day was expanding federal money for this research."

Oh, and to those who think that the veto is an abhorantly Neanderthal anti-science move that will kill this "promising" area of research by starving it of funding, I offer this (emphasis mine):

Meanwhile, research funded by private investment continues, to the tune of some $3 billion so far, with an estimate of $10 billion by 2010 in the United States alone.

But then, what do you expect from people who think the only way to get somthing done is for the government to grow another teat to suckle on?

And get their information from the Strib.

It's a deadly combination, I tells ya'!

UPDATE: Heh. I like that word - "teat".

teat

teat

teat

teat

teat

teat

teat

teat

UPDATE 2: "Turd" is pretty funny too!

Friday, July 28, 2006

IMPEACHMENT!!!

These are dark times for the Bogus Doug administration.

The people have spoken, and what they said was "Lynch Him!!!!" It wasn't even close, with 87% of the votes cast being for impeachment.

It's not certain what provoked such an overwhelming hostility to Mayor Doug. Is it his inactivity? His inability to prevent the hostilities the erupted into The Great Cheese War of '06? His carelessness with martinis?

And so sadly we must perform our constitutional duty, and conduct our impeachment trial at the next MOB convention. Details to come.

Moron Mail, or Stone Temple Pilots Song?

Yes! It's time once again to play the blogosphere's most popular Letter to the Editor / Alt Rock game: MORON MAIL or STONE TEMPLE PILOTS SONG?!!!!

[Wild applause]

And here to explain the rules of MMoSTPS is our cohost, Dementee!

[Wild applause]

DEMENTEE: THANK FOOT!!!!!! HERE HOW IT WORK: WE GIVE YOU THREE EXCERPTS!!!!! TWO EXCERPTS ARE LYRIC FROM STONE TEMPLE PILOTS SONG!!!!! ONE IS FROM ACTUAL LETTER TO EDITOR RECENTLY PUBLISHED IN STRIB!!!!! CONTESTANT MUST PENETRATE FARCICALLY NONSENSICAL SENTENCE AND PARAGRAPH TO DETERMINE WHICH ONE IS MOONBAT LETTER!!!!!!

Thanks Dementee! And what is our prize today?

DEMENTEE: NOTHING!!!!!

[Wild applause]

DEMENTEE: ONE MORE THING FOOT!!!! TODAY'S EDITION OF MMoSTPS SPONSORED BY KAR-THONGS!!!!!! IF YOU WANT TO GET A LITTLE FREAKY, DON A KAR THONG AND SHOW SOME CHEEKY!!!! KAR THONG - ACCEPT NO IMITATION!!!!! BACK TO YOU FOOT!!!!!

[Wild applause]

OK, remember: only one of these is an actual letter to the Strib. The other two are merely bizarre Stone Temple Pilots lyrics.

Ready? Here we go. Is the Strib letter this one:

1) I got a picture of a photograph of a wedding and a shell. Its just a burning aching memory; I never kiss and tell.

So turn it up and burn it - there's a hole in your head, there's a hole in your head where the birds cant sing along. Does anybody know how the story really goes, or should we all just hum along?

Sell your soul and sign an autograph. Big bang baby, its a crash, crash, crash. I wanna die but I gotta laugh. Orange crush mama is a laugh, laugh, laugh.

SCOTT WEILAND, WAYZATA

...or is it this one:

2) Falling downward with a flaming hand, I knew the questions but I lost the answers. I'll hold the world for all. I'll hold it for all, as long as no one asks no questions.

I got the message, and the message stood.

One, two, three, I got another, got another. One, two, three, I got another, got another. I got another hit that held me the last time. Don't ya know what I mean boys? One, two, three, I got another, got another.

Falling fast but doing all I can. I know the questions but I lost the answers. I got the message, and the message stood. Lease the one who makes it. Profit from the riddle. Kill the one that breaks it. Always in the middle. Keep the dream alive. With sleeping pills you shouldn't fiddle.

SCOTT WEILAND, HOPKINS

...or is it Number 3:

3) A little diplomacy might help the situation in the Middle East. Unfortunately, the position of the current State Department seems to be "You have no right to do whatever you want, only we can," so they either can't say anything (Israel), or they make an in-your-face, international rebuke (public humiliation has always made me feel better; gee, why wouldn't it work for Hezbollah, Syria, Iran, Iraq or Korea?).

I guess it's not the State Department's fault. They're in over their heads. Who hired those guys, anyway? Oh, yeah. Well, it's not his fault; he's in over his head. Who elected him, anyway?

SCOTT WEILAND, MINNEAPOLIS

[Hushed silence. Cue Jeopardy tune.]

Ready? Go!

...An Ass of You and Me. Well, Maybe Just You

Now I know what the moonbats mean when they proclaim to be members of the "reality based community". "Reality" is based on whatever they say it is:

Rhonda Chriss Lokeman: Far too close for comfort

That George W. Bush knowingly imitates Richard Nixon is bad enough. That Congress lets him is worse.

Uh oh. This chick's got 2 last names. You know what that means...

There was a cancer growing on the presidency, and if the cancer was not removed, the president himself would be killed by it.

It is discouraging that more parallels haven't been drawn between the Richard Nixon and Bush II administrations.

Uh, maybe because there aren't any. Other than your imeachment / resignation wet dreams, that is.

We've forgotten the perils of unchecked abuse of executive power.

We forgot Watergate.

No, I'm pretty sure we haven't. But you know what they say: "When you assume..."

The scandal was named for a third-rate burglary in Washington but was only a part of Richard Nixon's vast right-wing conspiracy.

Nixon was at war in Southeast Asia and at home. His domestic agenda violated the Bill of Rights, including the Fourth Amendment's prohibition of unlawful searches and seizures without probable cause. His enemies list included businessmen (Howard Stein, Dreyfus Corp.), entertainers (Paul Newman), journalists (Daniel Schorr), congressmen, and labor and peace activists.


Presumably, President Bush also has an enemies list that includes Joseph Wilson, Valerie Plame, the New York Times, celebrities and civil libertarians.

OK, so the "parallel" that you're drawing here has to do with an unsupported presumption.

I presume Ms. Chriss Lokeman has hairy armpits and reeks of patchouli, just like the other progressive far left-wing mentally ill professional protester chicks I met in college.

That President Bush knowingly imitates Nixon is bad enough. That Congress lets him is unconscionable. Defending America is more important than defending the presidency. Lawmakers must exercise constitutional authority and investigate and punish for any unlawful acts or high crimes and misdemeanors.

She's right. Defending America is more important than defending the presidency.

So how come people like her hysrterically oppose or try to undermine EVERY. SINGLE. ATTEMPT. The administration makes to defend our borders.

Monitoring calls to and from terrorist phone numbers? "Overreaching."

Monitoring bank transactions to known terrorist accounts? "Overreaching."

Flight lists? "Invasion of privacy."

Gitmo? "Don't even get me started."

Is it OK if we read al Jazeera? Or might that make it unfair to the Islamodirtbags?

First there was the weapons-of-mass-destruction hoax that has led to the deaths of more than 2,500 troops in Iraq.

Hoax? Another assumption expressed with a loaded word.

Then there was the vengeful outing of a CIA agent, the wife of a vocal critic. Now the White House willfully obstructs justice.

Vengeful? Obstructing justice? Have you not been paying attention, bitch? Really, try getting your news from someone other than Kos.

The secretive Bushvolk say they are protecting America from suspected enemies of America, such as terrorists. But what's to say that, like Nixon, they aren't also spying on individuals who personally offend them or vote against their issues?

I'm sure you're a fine upstanding collumnist for the KC Star, Rhonda; but who's to say that you're not using your paychecks to fund your heroin habit or to prop up Kim Jong Il's regime? Hmm? Hmm?

I'm through with this garbage. Let's just assume that Rhonda is a harmless whack-job on a 48 hour furlough from the mental ward.

There’s disgusting and then there’s damn disgusting

The Star & Sickle has achieved the latter with headline to this story.

Two 14 year old children are driving, illegally, to Texas to get married and the jackass headline writer puts this at the top of the story:

Love is spiriting two teens to Texas

LOVE!? No 14 year old knows what love is.

These mixed up kids are on an odyssey that could irreparably alter their lives. Parents are beside themselves with fear and anxiety praying they are returned safely home and some jackass headline writer puts this touchy-feely nonsense at the top:

Love is spiriting two teens to Texas

If at all possible, I would love for this moron to go through a similar ordeal with his or her children.

Someone doesn't like me

Enrique takes exception to my Anti-Kofi post from Wednesday.

Read his comment if you can. I believe they call it a run on sentence:

A bunch of sick bastards? I felt offended for a split second but then i realized you are not even aware of what you are saying, you are behaving the way you are accusing someone else is guilty of, Koffi Annan is one of the few true leaders left, and untill you know what it is like to pass 27 years in an african prison, you should not talk about something you know nothing about, he is not against the Jewish people, he is against the war, read a book and pick up a newspaper, after that watch some international news.

Enrique Villa

Dear Enrique,

I hesitate to respond because I could never be as eloquent as you. You are clearly my superior. That said I will give it a try.

Kofi Annan is a corrupt little bastard (remember Oil for Food) who deserves noting but scorn and derision. He’s not against the war per se; he’s against how Israel defends itself. His hatred, yes hatred of Jews, Israel, and the US specifically, and the West in general is so obvious, anyone with your advanced intelligence can certainly see that. Or has your brain been melted from reading books and newspapers and watching international news?

Rather than screwing around with women in their 40’s, and writing your scripts, try living in the real world where most of us spend our days working to make what pennies the layers of government allow us to keep and raising our children to achieve in a world filled with anti-business pricks who look at achievement as a sin. Unless, of course, you funnel the fruits of your success into Leftwing causes ala George Soros.

Pseudo-intellectuals like yourself and the drooling fools who comment on your blog are wasting your lives looking for a Utopia that doesn’t, and never will exist.

Here’s a bit of information for you Enrique: There is evil in the world. Always has been, always will be. Nazism, Communism, Islamofascism are but a few recent examples of evil.

Here’s another bit for you: The only way to fight evil is to eradicate it with force. Kill those who support it and destroy the governments that practice it.

War sucks, but it is necessary at times to achieve peace.

I don’t expect you to understand that because you are a far superior being. All I can say is I’m glad people like you weren’t running this country in 2001 or1941 or 1918 or 1861 or 1776 or…

What Are the Eminent Domain Laws Like in Crawford?

If this doesn't fit the definition of "blighted property," nothing does.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

So, what did they have to say, Rochelle?

I found this third-rate article by a fourth-rate reporter, Rochelle Olson, in the S&S. It’s about a DFL congressional forum held at Temple Israel in Minneapolis. All the suspects were there – Keith “I don’t hate Jews” Ellison, Paul “no chance in hell” Ostrow, Ember “has been” Riechgott Jung and Mike “I will abide by the endorsement, unless I’m not endorsed” Erlandson.

If you’re looking for information that will help you make up your mind in September, this aint the article to read. But it is filled with wonderfully insightful comments such as:

"I am the candidate who is deeply connected to the people,"

"That experience is very different from being a staff member or a legislator,"

"If you raise the bar high, I'm the candidate who can jump over it,"
"I am the strongest pro-labor, pro-union candidate. I am the peace candidate," he said. "I am the proven, progressive leader."

“I have the neatest handwriting.”

“I color inside the lines.”

“I can touch my nose with my tongue.”

Ok, enough fun. Here’s where the article falls apart, as if it was ever together:

The candidates also responded to complicated questions about the Middle East at the 90-minute forum that followed the Jewish Community Relations Council's annual meeting.

I’m still waiting to read the responses. This was a throwaway paragraph buried deep in the article with no additional information. To say this is journalistic negligence is an understatement.

When you have a Jewish audience listening to a congressional debate Рwith one candidate being Muslim Рwhile open warfare is going on between Israel and Hezbollah: I am of the opinion that this should be the story. This shit about raising the bar and being pro-labor (never heard that from a Lefty before) is the clich̩ drooling of all Liberals and should be ignored.

Is Rochelle incapable of reporting the real story, is her editor incapable of calling her in and asking one simple question, “so, what did they say about the Middle East?”

Or is global warming and bashing George W. Bush more important?

Today's Notable Birthdays

Born on July 27th:

* Yankee, Alex Rodriguez (1975)

* Professional wrestler, Triple H (1969)

* Skater, Peggy Fleming (1948)

* Actress, Betty Thomas (1947)

* TV guru, Norman Leer (1922)

* Stunningly handsome super-genius blogger, LearnedFoot (1972)

Which makes me - what? - 25 years older than The Elder looks?

Sue-icide

Is there a more wretched humanoid blighting the earth today than Susan Lenfestey?

No.

I use the term "humanoid" because from all outward appearances, she seems to be of the genus homo, species sapien; but given her periodic over-the-top, outrage-soaked, hyper-internalized dissociative sneering rants that appear in the Strib, one gets the idea that she is a construct of someone's warped imagination. I'm thinking that Robert Scheer's id became so aggressive and uncontainable, that it just one day leapt from his subconscious and manifested itself as the pathetic shrieking blueblood moonbat that we know as "Susan Lenfestey."

She's a miserable one, Sue is, as evidenced by the gi-normous poop she squeezed out yesterday, which the Strib dutifully foisted on an unsuspecting - and undeserving - public today. But don't read that. Read Mitch's fully fisked version here. (There's an ongoing unspoken rivalry between Mitch and I, as to which one of us can turn around a hatchet job on Lenfestey's latest brain drooling faster. Today, he got up pretty early, and I was saddled with one of Blogspot's thrice-weekly outages. Good job Mitch! I'll get you next time.)

Anyhoo, apparently Susan cannot escape her fate as the Shoulderer of All the World's Ills (as she sees them) even when she's on vacation. This Administration's Incompetence is too much for her to bear, even when sipping totties on the beaches of Mackinac Island. Indeed, today's Lenfestering screed, when read in conjunction with her past barfings, gives me cause for alarm.

At some point, it ("it" being the mere existence of conservatives) will become too much for her to take.

At some point, she's going to off herself.

So as a public service to Ms. Lenfestey, I have instituted the color coded Susan Lenfestey Suicide Threat Watch. The Suicide Threat Level will be raised and lowered depending on the crack KAR Psych Unit's assessment of her stability as interpreted from her columns. The SLSTW works just like the long-forgotten Homeland Security terror threat level, with green being the safest level, and red meaning there is an imminent threat that she may do something drastic. The categories have been carefully developed based on historical observations of the intensity of her hysterical ravings.

Because of today's column, KAR has determined that we are at threat level "Orange":


We will install this graphic on our sidebar (Bill? You there, Bill?) so that everybody can stay apprised of Lenfestey's status.

NOTE: It occurs to me that Lenfestey would probably choose a more elegant method of suicide than CO poisoning; one that would comport with her inflated perception of her own intellect. I'm thinking hemlock.

Oh well. The graphic's done. Whatcha gonna do?

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

And now for today's history lesson

Direct from The Onion.

Simple-minded musings

Jim Dunlop of Shoreview must have a brain the size of a walnut. I base my conclusion on his letter to SPPP that is stunning for its lack of thought and logic.

Here, in its vacuous entirety, is Jim Dunlop’s letter:

DFL owes Mattson
The DFL Party owes a huge debt of gratitude to Jennifer Mattson. She was the first with the courage to challenge Matt Entenza, the party's endorsed candidate for attorney general, publicly pointing out his flawed candidacy and filing against him in the September primary. Entenza soon withdrew, and only then did other candidates emerge.

Having done her job, Mattson has now dropped out of the race. Hopefully, we might all anticipate her future candidacy.

JIM DUNLOP
Shoreview

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, wipe the oatmeal from your chin and the shit from your ears and eyes.

You are an idiot if you believe Entenza dropped out of the race because Jen Mattson filed for the September primary.

You are a raging idiot if you believe Entenza was so scared by Mattson, a no-name, no-talent, endorsed by Non-monkey hack, that he turned tail and ran at the prospect of having to face he in September.

And you are brain-dead if you believe Mattson got into the race for the sole purpose of forcing Entenza to drop out, intending to do so herself after she accomplished her mission.

Jen Mattson is a lightweight who practices, among other things, speeding ticket law. Whatever the hell that is?

Do you think she took one for the team? Do you think she volunteered to look like a fool: jump in today, jump out tomorrow? Do you think Non-monkey is ignorant enought to get blindsided by a cheap political stunt? (Don't answer that one)

Entenza didn't get out because of Jen. She didn’t have an intern’s chance in Clinton’s office of winning the primary against him.

What sent him running were the ones waiting in the wings. My guess is he got a call from DFL headquarters informing him there were real politicians, like Bill Luther, ready to jump in but they didn't want to embarass Luther by challenging him directly.

There was no courage on display here. On the contrary, if she had any real guts, she'd still be in the race. Instead of her face being on a Mattson for Senate web site, it still adorns her really, really crappy law office web site.

As for her next candidacy, I think she’ll have problems rising above the level of Block Club President.

Farewell dear Jen.

Whoring Myself

The K v. M pool of contributors' average penis size just got a big boost.

Can we kick Kofi's ass out of the US?

And let’s send the entire UN with him. This “man” is a disgusting, anti-Semitic piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as Israelis who are fighting for their very existence.

Mr. High and Mighty, Ivory Tower Asshole’s comments from yesterday should cause anyone to stop and puke:

“I call on Israel to end its bombardments, blockades and ground operations.” [Time for Israel to stop defending itself.]

“I call on Hisbollah to stop its deliberate targeting of Israeli population centres.” [Said to divert attention from his obvious hatred Jews]

“Israel cannot go on indefinitely disregarding international law. It must be made to pay and we shall commence legal proceedings and spare no avenue to make Israel compensate the Lebanese people.” [Calling Mike Cerisi]

Mr. Annan accused Israel of deliberately targeting the UN post [hit in a Tuesday air strike].

It’s high time this mouth-breathing, troglodyte have his hairy ass dragged from his corner office on the Hudson and sent back to is homeland on a garbage barge.

How in the hell does this overeducated, non-thinking son of a bitch get away with constantly spewing his nonsensical bile?

What’s worse is that Kofi’s disciples will eat this shit up and fall to their knees praising his wisdom.

Nothing but a bunch of sick bastards

Moron Mail? Non-Moron Mail?

I had no choice but to highlight this letter, since it concerns a favorite topic of bloggers everywhere: themselves.

Blogs may be a wonderful mechanism for an exchange of ideas, but in reading some of them I found that I did not learn anything new. I see nothing to dissuade me from the notion that reading a blog is the equivalent of listening to the rambling discourse of the guy sitting on a stool at the end of the bar by himself.

GLENN REYNOLDS, FOREST LAKE.

What the hell you talkin' about, Willis? "Rambling Discourse?"

Actually, that reminds me of Rambling Rhodes who's also a Minnesota blogger. He likes to write about his ass a lot. But when he's not writing about his ass or photoshopping a picture of his ass onto something - Oh, you know who's a good photoshopper? Derek at Freedom Dogs - he's done logos for many of the other local blogs like Fraters and K v. M, and this one time he made t-shirts for everybody. They were so cool kewl! You know who really likes wearing t-shirts? Andy. If only he could spell as well as he wore t-shirts, I tell you what!

Now where was I?

Oh yeah - stop drinking my booze!

Moron Morose Mail

The Strib's usual choices for Letter o' the Day typically make me angry. This one just makes me sad:

It's a shame restrictions have been placed on the use of clotheslines ("Airing your clean laundry in public is no longer a breeze," July 22).

Some people look forward to summer so they can golf or ride their motorcycle. But many of us look forward to hanging our laundry outside.

We watch the sky for sunny weather and scurry to wash our clothes to take them outside for Mother Nature to dry them. Besides the pleasure of admiring our laundry, we also have the satisfaction of helping to protect the environment.

BERTHA BLOOMERS, FERGUS FALLS, MINN.

*sigh* The simple life.

This letter conjures a hypothetcal discussion that I will never ever have with my wife, even when we're in our twilight years:

MRS. FOOT: So, what should we do tomorrow?

LEARNEDFOOT: I thought that we'd take the afternoon off, send the kids to Grandma's, and then stare at our laundry.

MRS. FOOT: I want a divorce.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Just another night in paradise

Come to Minneapolis, but keep your head down.

Hey RT, where the hell are you?

What addicts won’t do to get a fix

I’ve now seen it all. This one is freakingly amazing.

Josh Rales, a Democratic candidate for Maryland's U.S. Senate seat, paid a drug-treatment center in Baltimore to drive its recovering addicts to last week's debate in College Park, where they held signs supporting his campaign.

I wonder if Rales will hire the chemically-dependent bunch on Election Day to pick up seniors and drive them to the polls.

Or perhaps they’ll serve as bartenders at his election night party.

If nothing else, Josh Rales will always have a job available for a Kennedy.

Moron Mail (Now With Visual Aids!)

Those who would be happy to force you pay more for the same Minnesota are off their meds:

Minnesota is so poor, it can't eat pork.

Federal funds for Hwy. 53 cannot be used because the state can't match it (Star Tribune, July 24). The state can't match it because it doesn't have the money. It doesn't have the money because our governor irresponsibly refused to consider tax increases to keep Minnesota's infrastructure at serviceable levels.

Whenever you see an accident due to lack of repairs or you are stuck in congestion, a driver on Hwy. 53 can place the blame squarely on the Taxpayers League of Minnesota and Gov. Tim Pawlenty.

C.D. ROMM, MINNEAPOLIS.

And for good measure, let's throw in an excerpt from another drool puddle on the same page:

I probably have nothing in common with the 200 "wealthy" referenced by William Cooper and Michael Wigley in their July 23 Opinion Exchange column, "Tax cuts are benefiting our economy." But after reading their argument for not raising taxes on Minnesotans earning $450,000 or more, I know I have nothing in common with those two rich guys.

They talked about "waste" -- yet gave no examples. Losing $50 million in federal funding for a road project because the Minnesota Department of Transportation remains underfunded is waste.

No, shitball it's not waste. Let me show you what is.

Here is the lede from the Highway 53 story to which Slapnuts A and Slapnuts B refer (emphasis mine):

Courtesy of U.S. Rep. Jim Oberstar, Minnesota got $50 million last year to widen a rural road in the far north of the state. The so-called congressional "earmark" for Hwy. 53, included in a national transportation bill loaded with pet projects, was the largest ever received by the state.

The earmark was to w-i-d-e-n the highway, or in other words, to increase the road's capacity.

Here is a map of Minnesota's portion Hwy 53:



As you can see, the route in question begins in Duluth, goes through the Middle of Nowhere, and terminates in Another Part of the Middle of Nowhere (some of you might know the latter by its more common name: "Canada").

I recall a certain Congressman from Alaska getting a ton of shit for bringing home a pile of federal money to pay for a "bridge to nowhere." Remember that?

Oh, but Oberstar is a Democrat, so his glorious waste of money on a Road to Nowhere ("Ozzy Osbourne and The Talking Heads can teach us a lot about...") is OK.

No this is not wasteful. It's called "having priorities". Some others might call it "not spending money on useless shit." I can think of dozens of road projects more worthwhile than this one - a project that'll only help a bunch of hosers get to that toddlin' town of Duluth a little faster.

And the dumbasses who wrote that thought-free garbage excerpted above should note that much of the $50 million of federal cash that's being saved by not pandering to the 15 or so Duluth-bound Cannucks is being funded by the very same people who these jerkoffs expect to take it up the butt to the tune of $50 million more.

An Example of the Type of Question That Never Appears on the Multistate Bar Exam

You are the Attorney General of State A, currently campaigning for Governor of State A. A reporter from Newspaper B e-mails you to inquire about a parking ticket you received 2 years ago at a park that is a known meeting place for "fancy boys." Newspaper B has not run any stories about your past parking difficulties. The reporter informs you in the e-mail that he doesn't plan on running any story about this particular ticket; he's just trying to sort through some facts relating to a previous story of which you were a tangential player.

Which of the following is the worst course of action to take in regard to the reporter's query?
A) Ignore the e-mail and allow this non-story to remain a non-story.

B) Politely reply to the reporter's question emphasizing that you were merely enjoying a public park, like thousands of other State A residents do every day, and you inadvertently let the parking meter expire, thereby allowing this non-story to remain a non-story.

C) Reply to the reporter's question by saying that, while you admire and respect State A's large and vibrant "fancy boy" community, you are not yourself a "fancy boy," allowing this non-story to remain a non-story.

D) Stamp your rhetorical feet with righteous indignation, assailing Newspaper B for having the NERVE to "attack" your family; expressing your anger to everyone who will listen, including filing a complaint against Newspaper B with an NGO press watchdog group, so that Newspaper B is left with little choice than to run that story - a story which would also necessarily include the underlying potentially embarrassing fact that it wasn't going to print in the first place.

***

Any guesses as to who would have missed that question?

Monday, July 24, 2006

Who the hell is Betty Williams?

Read this and find out.

Betty won the Nobel Peace Prize 30 years ago, although she admits she is not non-violent.

How non non-violent is she? During an address to hundreds of school children, she said, “Right now, I would love to kill George Bush.”

Not only is Betty violent, she’s also homicidal. Only the truly psychopathic – would publicly admit to wanting to assassinate the President of the United States.

But, then, Betty was one of a group of freaks who presided over something called Earth Dialogues. Whatever the hell that means.

Here is a sample of the 26 point action plan the homicidal nut-ball, Betty Williams, signed onto at the end of Earth Dialogues:

"There can be no sustainable peace while the majority of the world's population lives in poverty," they said.

"There can be no sustainable peace if we fail to rise to the global challenge presented by climate change.

"There can be no sustainable peace while military spending takes precedence over human development."

What they forgot to add is:

“There can be no sustainable peace if Islamofascist dirtballs are allowed to terrorize innocent people through suicide bombings, kidnappings, beheadings, etc, for the purpose forcing their hateful religion on the people of the world.”

“There can be no sustainable peace as long as dumb-ass leftists continue to hold worthless meetings like Earth Dialogues for the purpose of blaming the ills of the world on the Unites States of America.”

“There can be no sustainable peace if the aforementioned dumb-ass leftists fail to recognize that evil exists and the most virulent evil going claims Allah as their God.”

“There can be no sustainable peace until the twice-mentioned dumb-ass leftists drop the moral equivalency argument, pull their heads from their rumps, and realize that they, too, are in the sights of the Islamofascist dirtballs.”

I'm hoping for an ammended release soon.

CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS

A grave crisis has engulfed us. We are rudderless. There is a gaping vacuum where our leader used to be.

It is time to consider impeachment.

No, I'm not talking about this. What I have in mind is far far more important than the quixotic fantasies of a bunch of bitter circle-jerking losers.

Feverishly working overtime to research the matter, the crack KAR legal team has discovered that our own fearless leader, Mayor Bogus Doug, is in continuing violation of his constitutionally prescribed requirements. To wit, Article II, Section 2, par. 1 of the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers Constitution provides (emphasis mine):

1. QUALIFICATION FOR OFFICE. The Esteemed Mayor shall be an active MOB member in good standing...

The KAR Legal Research team has determined - and I have concurred - that Mayor Doug is in ongoing violation of the "activeness" requirement for holding office. Nearly one month ago he flagrantly declared his intention to flout the MOB Constitution by posting the following:

I Quit.

Since that time, he has published only four other posts, half of which had something to do with his continuing desire to "quit". And his one post on another blog - a blog which by its very nature has a set expiration date in early November - does not save his status as inactive under the MOB Constitution, in the opinion of the KAR legal team.

It gets worse.

The Framers in their infinite foresight, drafted an Impeachment Clause into the MOB Constitution for crises just like this. The MOB Constitution Art VI, Sections - oh, let's say "7 to 9" - provide:

SECTION 7: In matters where the Mayor in found unable or unfit to execute his duties, or if a latent violation of the prescribed qualifications for the office is discovered after the Mayor has been duly ensconced, the electors may impeach him by a simple majority vote to be taken in a flippant manner on an acerbic and inconsequential, but widely-read, Member Blog.

SECTION 8: The qualified electors, a simple majority of votes cast having been duly tabulated in the affirmative on the question of impeachment, shall gather at one of the regularly scheduled semiannual MOB parties as required by Article I, Section 5 of this Constitution to deliberate, debate and ultimately vote on the the removal of the impeached Mayor from office. In no event shall a Mayor be removed from office except on a two-thirds vote by the electors in the affirmative on the question.

SECTION 9: It shall not be considered a crime or misdemeanor for the Mayor to attempt to influence the electors voting on an impeachment question by plying them with free drinks. In fact, it is the position of the Framers of this Constitution that libertine Mayoral drink bribery be encouraged.

It pains me to do this, but to preserve this Organization and its Constitution, I see no alternative.

To make it official, here's an official sounding resolution:

WHEREAS: Bogus Doug is the duly elected Mayor of the MOB; and

WHEREAS: An essential duty of the Mayor in the execution of his office, is to uphold and observe all of the MOB Constitution's prescriptions and proscriptions; and

WHEREAS: Bogus Doug's blog inactivity has violated a Constitutional requirement of his office; and

WHEREAS: KAR is an acerbic and irrelevant but - as a matter of degree - widely-read member blog;

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that the qualified electors (i.e. anyone who decides to vote) shall vote in an election to appear atop KAR's sidebar through the morning of Friday, July 28th, the Year of Our Lord 2006; the question of such election to be "Shall mayor Bogus Doug be impeached?"; one vote per computer per day; yada yada.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that should a simple majority of votes tabulated be in the affirmative on the question of impeachment, all qualified electors shall meet at the upcoming MOB Convention sometime in (I'm guessing) August to debate, deliberate and ultimately vote on the removal of Mayor Bogus Doug from office. Should a two-thirds majority of those casting votes vote in the affirmative on the question, Bogus Doug shall be removed from office.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that Bogus Doug should be aware that LearnedFoot will likely be drinking Smithwick's or Samuel Adams at the party.

Metallica Can Teach Us a Lot About My Attitude Toward Blogspot Right Now

Die! -- Metallica.

I had a nice large post about a very pressing issue all set to go.

Then Blogspot ate it. I was only able to recover half of it.

#$$%@@!!!!

Stay tuned.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Nothing worse than a stressed pecker

If you think I’m kidding, read this (emphasis mine):

LITTLE ROCK, ARK. - A federal judge halted a $320 million irrigation project Thursday for fear it could disturb the habitat of a woodpecker that may or may not be extinct.

The National Wildlife Federation and the Arkansas Wildlife Federation had sued the Army Corps of Engineers, arguing that the project to build a pumping station that would draw water from the White River would kill trees that house the birds and that noise from the station would cause the woodpeckers stress.


Lord knows we don’t want any stressed peckers out there. No telling what they’d do.

The problem here is no one has seen this damned bird – confirmed that is – since 1944.
A couple years back a kayaker claimed to have seen one, but nobody else did.

So what we have here is a two-year-old, unconfirmed claim about the existence of a bird that hasn’t really been seen in 60 years.

I’m no attorney, but I do understand the meaning of “preponderance of evidence.”

Here, in part, is U.S. District Judge William R. Wilson’s conclusion:

When an endangered species is allegedly jeopardized, the balance of hardships and public interest tips in favor of the protected species. Here there is evidence" that the ivory-billed woodpecker may be jeopardized, he said.

This conclusion, remember, is based on an unconfirmed sighting in 2004 and a confirmed sighting in 1944.

Using Judge Wilson’s logic, I can only assume, based on thousands of unconfirmed sightings over almost thirty years, that Elvis is alive and well.

Way to Go, Dementee!

See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Way to bounce back, my man!

Hillary to the rescue

Hillary Clinton must be the smartest woman in the world. She’s worried about Big-(insert industry here) planting computer chips in the heads of our children:

"At the rate that technology is advancing, people will be implanting chips in our children to advertise directly into their brains and tell them what kind of products to buy," Clinton said at the Kaiser Family Foundation.

"People are spending billions and billions of dollars enticing children basically to be obsessed with food," she said. "These foods are almost universally unhealthy." Clinton has offered legislation to study the effects of the "advertising-saturated, media-intense" world on kids.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Save our children, oh great Hillary. Save them because we parents are:

Too Goddamned dumb to monitor what our kids are watching, eating and playing and,

Too Goddamned dumb to realize junk food aint good for our kids.

I wish I was smart like you, Hillary. I know you’re smart because the feminists have been telling me you are since 1989.

I thought you was dumb, like me. See, I figured any woman who would put up with a husband who screws anything with a vagina, whether they want it or not, can’t be all that smart. But even women who generally hate men seem to love Bill – some in a
non-carnal way – so you must know what you are doing.

I want to sincerely thank you for the warning. I’ll be sure to keep my eye on the kids from now on. I usually just let them run roughshod over me and their mom, letting them do what they wish because, to be honest, parenting is hard work and I feel better if government would take over for me.

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: Come to think of it, it wouldn't be nearly as difficult to keep some advertising flak from performing brain surgery on the young'uns as it would keeping the Snickers Bars out of said young'uns' gullets.

Either way you cut it, its manufactured alarmism from a presidential aspirant that sees her chances slipping by the day. Thanks for the heads up on the brain chip thing though anyway, Hil.

LEARNEDFOOT FURTHER ADDS: Should the person with quite possibly the most famous cottage cheese thighs in the world really be excoriating the evils of junk food adverising?

It's OK, Dementee

It's time to let Jen Jen go, Big D.

You'll be alright.

Relax. Have a popsicle. Think of other things...

And the winner is...

Jen Chickenshit Mattson.

I'd hate like hell to have her representing me in court. I'd end up with the death penalty for Keith Ellison-like parking violations.

The News in Haikus

SURPRISING NEWS: The
Material Girl likes to
Use a vibrator.

The same woman
Who showed us all her colon,
Fears the Middle East.

"Gay marriage will not
Harm the tradition any
More than divorce does."

"Of course Israel
Has a right to exist; Just
Like Hezbollah does."

This just in: right now
Many a Hezbollah ass
Becoming puckered.

Well, It Was a Good Run

MDE is reporting that Jennifer Mattson has withdrawn her candidacy for Minnesota Attorney General. This is bad news. I was really looking forward to the treasure trove of material that campaign would have blessed KAR with. Hell, we already have 3 Mattson posts on the front page here - approximately one for every day of her candidacy.

All we're left to do is read the Letters to the Strib and daydream about what might have been...

*sigh*

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Scene from a Gay Bathhouse

Not sayin'. Just askin'.


Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez
and "friends"

Help Jen increase her Q

Unless she does something fast, Jen Mattson is not long for this world, in terms of her candidacy for AG that is. By all accounts – primarily her web page – she is a lightweight with only a famous last name to her credit.

Jen needs to increase her Q rating – now – and it is my professional marketing opinion that Jen needs is a clever nickname. The Humphreys have already claimed Skip and Buck, so I’m calling on you, the KARnation, to offer suggestions from which Jen can select.

To help get you started, I offer the following possibilities:

1. Misdemeanor Mattson
2. Mammy Mattson
3. Jen, Judge & Jury Mattson
4. Mamma Mattson
5. Legal Eagle Mattson
6. Just Got My JD Mattson
7. Non-monkey’s Mattson
8. Love the Littles Mattson

Your turn, KARnies. Don’t let me down.

Moron Mail

A correspondent to the Strib helpfully clarifies what constitutes a real news story versus what constitutes the press merely abetting in the slinging of mud:

In his July 19 column on Matt Entenza, Nick Coleman refers to this as "the year of the smear." This is rich irony.

While it is only unseemly for politicians to be throwing mud at each other, it is unconscionable that the Star Tribune stoked the fire by covering the accusations against candidates -- obviously being provided by their political opponents.

Maybe we should not expect better from our politicians, but we should expect better of our media.

RICH IRONY, ST. PAUL

So to elucidate, the following two items - which are the main two reasons giving rise to Entenza's withdrawal from the race - are merely "stoking the fire" rather than "reporting the news":

1) Entenza's hiring of an investigation firm to dig up dirt on a fellow Democrat who's running for a completely different office.

2) Entenza's campaign being funded in part by his wife's income (and, possibly, stock options) from a company for which she is a high-ranking executive that's - oh by the way - being investigated by the very office for which Entenza had aspired.

A deeply conflicted sleazebag who is the DFL endorsee for the highest law enforcement office in the State? The voters don't need to know that!

The press should go back to reporting on the fuck ups of candidates' wayward children. That's real news!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Jennifer Mattson for Attorney General

While Non-monkey’s endorsement is cause for concern, my primary problem with Ms. Mattson is this.

I don’t know how good she is as an attorney, but I guaran-damn-tee you she sucks when it comes to web-marketing.

And another thing: I wouldn’t put Jen under the category of “looker”.

The Great Cheese War of '06 - Armistice Day

What the hell was that all about anyway?

After a several hour-long closed door meeting between Sisyphus and me, we were able to sort out our differences and come to an accord. We came to see the absurdity of our intractable positions, our stilted over-the-top rhetoric, and Sisyphus' pompous bombast.

We now realize that when you, for example, serve cheese at a party, no single cheese can please everyone. There will be guests who prefer Wisconsin Cheddar. There will be some that prefer Gorgonzola. Some of the more discerning ones might rather have a nice brie or a Camembert. But since you can only serve one type of cheese, you need to select the one that pleases - or at least satisfies - the greatest number of your guests. While some guests may bitch and moan that Cheddar, or buffalo Mozzarella, or whatever offends their sensibilities, those pissants really don't matter if the majority of your guests are fine with your choice of cheese. The goal is to have a successful party, not to please every single snotball who pompously touts their insufferable cheese principles.

And so, with this understanding, Sisyphus and I repaired to our respective homes as wiser and better men. I sprinkled a little Gorgonzola on my salad that night, and Sisyphus no doubt downed a one-pound brick of cheddar (wrapped in bacon) and a cold beer.

Ah, but all "principles" are not created equal. For example, on one hand, you have a person who aligns himself with a group that he sees consistent with his world view -though maybe not perfectly - in an effort to make his state and his country a better place. While he may be a bit oversensitive at times, he realizes that sometimes compromise is necessary to achieve his ends.

That's one principle.

On the other hand, you have someone who's being a pompous self-serving jerk constantly trying to throw the the first guy under the bus for his willingness to compromise. He incessantly lambastes the poor fellow for "selling out" even though any moron can see that he is not. He's vicious and relentless and mean about it too. His self-important, self-adulating assaults start resembling self-parody. And much of it is based on some perceived personal slight by a third party.

If that's "being principled," then you can shove it. Petty little squabbles about something so insignificant in one's daily life tend to make one look absurd and a waste of time and emotional energy.

It's only cheese.

And that's the last I'm going to say on the matter.

Mattson for AG

NonMonkey writes a puff piece about DFL AG candidate Jennifer Mattson:

The DFL may be lucky he has withdrawn. But before the party replaces Entenza with another party palooka, it might be smart to consider a Hatch-like watchdog for its ticket.

Her name is Jennifer Mattson. She won't be 30 until next month and the geniuses who gave you Entenza will say she is too inexperienced to be attorney general. Malarkey. Harold Stassen was only 31 when he was elected governor. It isn't what you've made of yourself that counts. It's what you're made of. Minnesota voters have often proved that.

Those of you familiar with NonMonkey already know that his mere endorsement of a candidate is enough to persuade you that said candidate is unfit to deliver your mail, let alone occupy an elected office. But there is one other thing:

I went to law school with Mattson. I, uh, know stuff.

Oh, not any scandalous or salacious stuff, mind you. It's not even anything that could be characterized as "misconduct" or "criminal" or even "sin". But it is stuff that would be relevant background to anyone interested in the quality of our AG.

And so here is where the devil on my shoulder (who looks a lot like Swiftee in my mind's eye) shouts "Spill it! tell everything!" And the angel on my other shoulder reminds me that KAR is not a partisan political hit blog, and besides, memories from 4 or 5 years ago have become tattered and faded. Some particulars may be inaccurate, and some may be erroneous. The angel reminds me of the law of libel and slander. She also reminds me of a thing called "class".

To which the Devil replies "F**k that shit! Let's hear it!"

No. I'll heed the angel for once, and just suffice it to say that if the Jennifer Mattson I knew then is the same one NonMonkey is fawning over today, then I want her to succeed Mike Hatch as Minnesota's AG. Because after her term is up, the DFL wouldn't hold that office again for a generation.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Lowest Form of Life Known to Man

Asshat

Asshat and I have never seen eye to eye on cheese. In person there was always a cordial attitude. I never really cared about what he wrote of me, or cheese, because I think if it takes you 11 list items to prove your point it is just mental masturbation and you really don’t know what it is you’re trying to say or are not gifted enough to get your point across. Usually things didn’t get personal, but he crossed a line with me today, and I am lashing back.

Apparently he created a mocking post about me today, in what was no doubt another immature and petty attack on my personal problems and sensitivities, from a lifeform so wretched and devoid of maturity and anything close to human nature. Well I guess those things people used to say to me about him way back when are true. He isn’t worth it. So asshat, some day I hope karma comes and gives you what you deserve.

Dripping with stupidity

So what’s new?

The PHPs on the Star & Sickle editorial board proven, yet again, how detached they are from reality, how Leftwing ideology turns one’s brain to oatmeal. And this oatmeal is cold, lumpy and nutrition free. In fact, I believe there are maggots feeding on the oatmeal that oozes from the PHP’s cranial cavities.

With the Middle East teetering on the brink of regional warfare, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan have made President Bush an offer he should consider carefully: Organize an international stabilization force to stop the shooting and separate the combatants.

Isn’t this Kofi’s Job? What’s he here for if not to marshal his member-nations to save the world?

There's a case to be made for simply letting Israel slug it out with the Lebanese militia Hezbollah for another day or two. But if this conflict drags on, it risks grave civilian casualties and a corrosive deepening of the region's polarization.

How much more polarized can it get? These bastards have a stated goal of destroying Israel. Pretty hard to get much more corrosive than that.

The point of intervening is not to fault Israel, as some Europeans have hinted. The Palestinian group Hamas should be ashamed of itself for kidnapping an Israeli soldier; that is not the act of a governing party that seeks legitimacy on the world stage.

“Hamas should be ashamed of itself?” – The PHPs apparently think they are talking to a child. As for seeking legitimacy on the world stage: Let me state again, they want Israel destroyed. Hamas doesn’t give a damn about legitimacy and the sooner you figure that out the sooner you can begin thinking the right way about this.

Hezbollah is worse: Its kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers is only the latest in a series of border provocations that have spilled blood and sabotaged the young Lebanese government.

Perhaps the best outcome would be for Israel to put Hezbollah's military wing out of business. If the group were declawed militarily and discredited politically, Lebanon would be a better place. It's encouraging that several moderate Arab regimes have denounced Hezbollah and the Syrian and Iranian politicians behind it.

Take a Goddamn stand you chicken shits. Weasel words like “perhaps the best outcome” won’t do the trick here. Try this: The best outcome would be for Israel to destroy Hezbollah in its entirety regardless of how long it takes and how many of the bastards have to die to accomplish the goal.

But that's a gamble. Israel's supposed pinpoint strikes against Hezbollah are now causing significant civilian deaths and substantial damage to civilian infrastructure. It's also not fair for Israel to bear this military burden against Hezbollah alone, and it's not healthy for this conflict to be cast as Israel against Islam.

Oh piss off; It's all gamble and you would shit bricks if W tried to send the military in to engage the dirty pigs.

If the region's Islamists succeed in painting this as a struggle between the imperious West -- i.e., Israelis and Americans -- and underdog Muslims, it will be an enduring diplomatic setback for both Israel and the United States. That's already been one outgrowth of the Bush foreign policy in Iraq, and it has done incalculable damage to America's standing in the world.

Open you freaking eyes, this is not a “struggle” it is a WAR between Islamofascists and the rest of the world. Let the Muslims scream "holy war". They've been doing it for years already so we might as well make them true to their words.

An international stabilization force would face serious challenges in stopping the shooting, but it would send an essential message that this conflict is not Americans and Israelis against aggrieved Arabs, but the civilized world protecting civilians while renouncing an extremist minority.

Stabilization forces are worthless. It cries spineless, blue-hemeted, United Nations. The only good they do is delay the inevitable: all out war for the survival of Israel and Western Civilization.

It’s time to pull out all the stops and destroy Syria, Iran, North Korea, etc, etc, etc.

Target all countries headed by madmen and/or theocrats for annihilation and, one by one, take them out. No warning, no negotiations – how do you negotiate when their starting point is your extermination.

Just take them the hell out and pray God is on our side.

Why God? Why?

My day just keeps getting worse.

I haven't pooped in 5 days. And now my tummy is distended and it HURTS.

Aw crap!

Moron Mail 2

Dementee should probably avoid this letter too (emphasis mine):

Hearing the tragic news of the young woman struck and killed while walking with her 1-year-old in a Minneapolis McDonald's (Star Tribune, July 16) leads me to the conclusion that we need a cell phone ban in this state.

Mommy?

Make the bad man stop!

Pleeeeease make the bad man stop!

Moron Mail

Dementee's pretty riled right now. He probably shouldn't read this letter:

What's the difference between Iran providing weapons and money to Hezbollah and the United States doing the same for Israel?

Terrorists are in the eye of the beholder -- Hezbollah came into existence in 1982 as a response to Israel's invasion and occupation of Lebanon.

NINA S(hitforbrains). FLANDERS, EDINA

[Homer]Stupid Flanders![/Homer]

Perhaps if Nina's history book went back farther than 1982 (the social sciences term the pre-1982 era as "Most of History") perhaps she'd better be able to draw the distinction between Hezbollah and Israel. History is rife with analogies.

For example there once was this guy named Adolf. He scapegoated the Jews for all of his peoples' problems too. In fact, his regime regarded the Jews as leaches - "occupiers" if you will - of the Motherland. So he set out to kill them all. Prior to this, the Jews were perfectly content to live in Germany and make their livelihoods. They were not violent people, and posed no threat to any native Germans. But Adolf wanted Germany only for himself and his Aryan brothers and sisters...

Is any of this getting through to you Nina?

Nina: *drool*

Yeah - I suppose one man's pogrom is another man's urban renewal. According to your logic, anyway.

Ah, that "unteachable ignorance" rears its head again.

Preparing room in Hell

Occasionally a story comes across that makes you want to kill, literally, someone.

This is just such a story.

Oh, how I wish we had the death penalty in this state. Oh, how I wish we could do multiple executions – mom, dad and their worthless piece-of-shit spouses all strapped to a couch while being tortured to death. This is a case that screams for the temporary suspension of the eighth amendment.

Electrodes attached to their genitals while winners of a lottery are allowed to turn the current up and down and up again.

No punishment is enough for what these “adults” did to this poor child and no punishment should be spared.

Torture them, all of them, until dead.

The sooner we send them to hell, the sooner the fun will really begin.

Woe Is Me

Sometimes you have to wonder if all teh abuse is worth it. I'm getting to old for this shit. Maybe I should just quit blogging.

Maybe I'll expand on this later. Or maybe not.

UPDATE - 11:50: Thanks for all teh supportive e-mails and comments. It's just that that subhuman excuse for pondscum asshat has been stalking me in teh comment threads of other blogs. And if that weren't enough, his oh-so-superior "principles" have led him to support Gorgonzola.

Gorgon-f***ing-zola!

Gorgonzola's barely even a cheese; it's a salad topping. If this asshat doesn't watch himself, he's liable to bring down teh entire American cheese industry. All in teh name of his so called "principles"!

And another thing: if you want to insult and hector me Sisyphus, why don't you just come down here and say it to my face. Then we'll see how tough a Gorgonzola-eating cheeseboy like yourself really is.

Sorry. I'm having a cranky day.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Indisputable Truth

There is only one cheese:



Velveeta.

If you like any other cheese, you are a metrosexual.

Transcript of the Emergency MOB Summit Meeting

LEARNEDFOOT: I've called you all here today to discuss a startling new revelation that I read about in the paper this morning. You all have been invited to this Summit because represent the very best of Minnesota's center-right bloggers. Unfortunately, it seems, being the best isn't enough. Apparently we're deficient.

FLASH: I'm a centrist.

LF: Yes yes. You keep telling us that. We just invited you because we needed someone to supply the beer. Thanks for the Icehouse, by the way.

FLASH: You're welcome. I'm a centrist.

LF: Anyway, I'd like to draw your attention to an article in today's Strib -

[Loud boos engulf the room]

LF: [After booing stops] - which reads in relevant part [reading]:

Today, progressive bloggers appear to be the frontrunners. While conservative bloggers focused their strategy on developing uniform messaging and targeted a demographic they understood well for many years, most of the progressive sites coalesced from various activist and interest groups that had been looking for similar communities.

CHAD: That's despicable!

Mitch: I agree -

CHAD: Not one word about hockey.

[Puzzled silence]

FLASH: I'm a centrist!

MITCH: Well, the problem I see is that the MOB is apparently failing the national effort since we have not yet - what did it say? - "developed a uniform message".

LF: Precisely! We need to put our heads together and come up with -

SWIFTEE: Dude, you're so GAY! I'm watching you Focker...

LF: ...a uniform message so that we can be in step with our conserv-o-blogging brethren outside of Minnesota. Any ideas?

SISYPHUS: I have 11 ideas. Number 11: We're nobody's monkeys; Number 10 - Because "Pelosi" is Italian for "Mussolini" -

NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS: We don't have time for this -

SIS: You're just jealous because my good friends at the Corner always links to my posts, while yours are universally ignored.

[They pull guns on each other]

MITCH: Hey now! Take it easy guys!... Hey Sis, is that a Glock?

SIS: Damn straight yo'. Its got a pearl-inlaid handle.

MITCH: Niiiiiiiiice.

CHAD: Hockey!

LF: Calm down everybody. Let's work the problem here. According to that Strib piece, the "progressive" [stifles a laugh] writers [stifles another laugh] are eating our lunches. We need to synch up with what's purportedly going on in the rest of the country and coordinate a single, unified message. I need some suggestions as to what that message should be.

ANDY: I have an idea.

LF: Shoot.

ANDY: How about: "Wood yoo radder haf tacks cudders runn da cuntree; ore doo yoo wan teh cutn runnres rahnninl teh cuntree?"

[Puzzled silence]

MITCH: You talk like that too?

ANDY: I kant take teh abyoos anee more! Maybee ill jus kwit blogging! [Andy storms out of room]

LF: Well, this is going well.

MITCH: Why don't we just do a spitballing session? Everybody: just shout out what comes to mind. Ready? Go.

CHAD: Hockey!

SWIFTEE: Chad's gay!

FLASH: I'm a centrist!

SWIFTEE: Flash is gay!

SIS: I like art!

SWIFTEE: Art is gay!

CHAD: Uh... HOCKEY!

SWIFTEE: Hockey is -

LF: STOP!!!! This is getting us nowhere. We haven't heard from Doug yet. Do you have anything, Doug?

DOUG: ...

LF: Anything, Doug?

DOUG: ...

LF: Earth to Doug?

DOUG: ...

MITCH: I think he quit blogging or something.

LF: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. This meeting has been a miserable failure.

MITCH: I blame the RNC and Hugh Hewitt for not sending us the memo that we were supposed to be "developing a unified message." Maybe it was not to be. I mean, with a roomful of like-minded folks like ourselves, we still can't come up with - much less agree on - some uniform message. Maybe it's not going on on the national level either. Perhaps it's not as simplistic as a couple of free-range alpaca clad prematurely gray DFL consultants would lead us to believe.

[Everybody nods in agreement]

SIS: Hey! I've got a great idea for a uniform message that we can all agree on.

LF: What's that?

SIS: CHEDDAR SUCKS!

[Sis and LF pull guns on each other]

LF: This meeting is adjourned, bitch!

I STAND WITH THE CHEDDAR

...So the cheese doesn't stand alone.

Heh.

But if I could be serious for a moment, it appears that there are some asshats out there that would abandon the midwest's dominance in the cheese industry to places like Europe or California, based on some elusive personal "principles".

Face it, if you follow your precious little principles, you will cede the American cheese industry to more undesirable cheesemakers for a generation. Want a cheese made in a place where there is a political party whose sole platform plank is to make pedophilia legal? Buy a hunk of Edam.

I don't support pedophiles, so I buy only smooth, tangy Wisconsin Cheddar. It may not be the best cheese in the world, but the alternative is unthinkable.

Jus' Build Yo' Ass a Motherf**king Ark, Motherf**ker!

In the coming hours, there will be approximately 500,000 variations on this theme regarding this story. I want to be first:

"It's f**king dark in here, bitch! Let there be some motherf**king light!"

Sunday, July 16, 2006

A Short and Cryptic Post About Cheese

I love cheese. Hey - who doesn't? But for my money there is one cheese that stands tall above all others: your legendary Wisconsin Sharp Cheddar.

There's nothing quite like biting into a brick of Wisconsin sharp cheddar. At first, it's smooth. Then, the powerful sourness seizes the the back of your tongue, which causes the tendons in your neck to tighten. And once you've swallowed a big bite, the residual tanginess forces you to take a big swig of beer. If you have even an ounce of testosterone coursing through your vessels, you have gotta love that. Cheddar is manly cheese. Cheddar is cheese by attrition.

I grant you, that there are some - including cheese "experts" - that claim that good ol' Wisconsin Cheddar is a second-rate, appealing-to-the-lowest-common-denominator type of cheese. They may be right. Perhaps a nice Roquefort or gouda is a superior cheese if you compare them side by side with a checklist of objective cheese-quality factors.

But I am a humble child of Wisconsin, and I have to support the cheese of my forebears. So I won't even consider a cheese from another cheese-producing polity. I refuse to even purchase a widely-acclaimed cheese that hails from a non-competing, non-traditionally cheese-intensive region. I'm sorry if it makes me provincial, but I have to support the home team. And I do not understand those who put their exacting cheese preferences above the well-being of our local cheesemakers by habitually going off the reservation and purchasing some far flung cheese brands with little staying-power under some pretense of absolute purism.

I do know of what I speak. While those that would bang on Wisconsin cheese are usually wrong, I am always correct.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Entenza is screwed

He should be, that is, and would be if he represented anything other than a hotbed of Socialism.

The latest is wonderful. Seems the investigator he said would talk…aint.

The owner of a Chicago research firm [Dennis Gragert] Rep. Matt Entenza hired to seek data about Attorney General Mike Hatch refused Friday to field questions about the extent of the probe.

"He understands that he's embarrassed me and he's embarrassed the attorney general and that shouldn't have happened," Entenza said of Gragert on Thursday.

Questions linger over the origin of the investigation, the complete work product and the cost to Entenza. The state legislator from St. Paul has said he can't produce documentation to show how much he paid or the directions researchers were given.

C’mon Matt. If you had an ounce of integrity, you would be the one embarrassed. What shouldn’t have happened is the investigation. If what I’ve been reading is correct, the documents Gragert dug up are readily available to anyone who asks.

Why didn’t you just call up your old buddy Mike and ask for them? Right, because you were hoping to find some dirt to use to derail his campaign. Nice move, jerk.

Now you say you can’t produce the documentation about the costs and scope of work?

Have you been hanging with Keith Ellison?

If You Needed Any More Evidence that Matt Entenza is a Knob...

Alert reader "Ari" points us to this. In a nutshell:

Entenza's campaign issues a statement that sez:

Despite the fact that AARP is reporting that United Health Group has issued a report, based on an independent, internal investigation, unequivocally stating that my wife, Lois Quam, has never had anything to do with granting stock options or setting compensation policy, my opponent and the State GOP leadership, continue to insinuate otherwise.

Then, the AARP sez:

In no way, and at no time, did AARP issue a report, receive a UnitedHealth Group report, or conduct an investigation relating to Lois Quam or the granting of stock options or setting of compensation policy by UnitedHealth Group.

Entenza's campaign apologized for their, uh - I dunno - "mistake."

Heh. Maybe I am MDE. We now return you to your regularly scheduled KAR nonsense.

More Moron Mail

Hey! Look everybody: someone who has spent the last 30 years in an Heir Conditioner:

Democrats in disarray: Paper presses an agenda

Oh yeah. This one's going to be good...

Is the Star Tribune trying to take down the Democratic Party before the midterm elections?

And now we all enjoy a hearty laugh!

If not, why all the bad press about the DFL candidates?

Yes we've never ever seen any bad press about any Republican candidates in the Strib. Ever.

Wednesday's headline about Mike Hatch and Matt Entenza wasn't even worth a mention, let alone a front-page lead.

Well, actually - if memory serves - MDE broke this story, like, 9 months ago. That little factoid seems to beg the question not whether the story was worth a mention, but rather, why did the Strib sit on the story for so long before reporting it?

Since it has nothing to do with these candidates' positions on any topic, could it be that the paper is doing its best to smear DFL candidates with statewide appeal such as Hatch, Entenza and Keith Ellison?

Did the dustups with the law of Senator Rod Grams' son have anything to do with "the issues"? As I recall, the local press reported THE SHIT out of that story right up until the day the Minnesota electorate suffered a brief bout of temporary insanity and foisted St. Wellstone! Mark Dayton on the Senate and an unsuspecting America. Then they immediately dropped the story.

Were you outraged then Terry? Or were you laughing your ass off?

And since you might be experienced on the matter, how does one laugh one's ass "off" when his or her head is in there?

Why don't you try being a class act, as this paper once was, and just report the facts?

Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Entenza's little investigation into Hatch's background technically "a fact"?

And you, Terry, wouldn't know a "class act" if one accidentally tripped over you while you were laying in the gutter.

If I wanted entertainment news on the front page, I would subscribe to Variety.

Yes the typical daily Iraq Rolling Death Count Report (SHOCKING NEWS: PEOPLE ARE HURT AND DIE IN ARMED CONFLICTS!) is much better front page fodder than this.

TERRY KLOTH, MINNEAPOLIS

This whole meme reminds me of that ubiquitous bumper sticker that graced a lot of Geo Metros and rusted Yugos a few years back. It read something like:

The media is only as biased as its rich corporate owners

or something to that effect. Putting its flawed premise aside (the institutional bias of a given news organization usually has more to do with who makes the editorial decisions than it does who owns the controlling share of its stock), this overly-cute little piece of mind-poop never failed to evoke a smile when I thought about such arch-conservative media moguls as Sumner Redstone (CBS Viacom), Ted Turner (CNN) and Michael Eisner (ABC-Cap Cities).

Tell you what sport, why don't you try looking at who the Strib Editorial Goons endorse for the midterm elections - when they publish them - and get back to us. If history is any guide, their monolithic DFL endorsements will make this letter look even stupider than I just did. Until then, go crawl back into your Skinner Box and suck your thumb like a good DFL bobo.

Moron Mail

As found in the Star & Sickle:

As a white woman from south Minneapolis, I used to have a hard time understanding why African-Americans would complain of racism whenever a member of their community received negative media coverage.

I've been a supporter of Rep. Keith Ellison since May and I now understand. The Star Tribune has used a great deal of ink detailing Ellison's fines for parking, speeding, late filing of election reports and brief association with members of the Nation of Islam. Gov. Tim Pawlenty didn't receive more attention for illegally coordinating TV ads with the Republican Party in 2002.

I have a challenge for the Star Tribune: Report on the issues.
ANNE M. HOOPS-De-Doop-De-Do, MINNEAPOLIS


Anne is your typical leftist hack who would gladly hang a white Republican for jaywalking. In fact, I’m willing to bet she was incredulous when W’s almost-thirty-year-old DUI ticket came to light near the end of the 2000 Presidential election.

Note to Anne: It aint about parking tickets and moving violations! It’s about Ellison failing to pay those tickets, having his license suspended and continuing to drive after the suspension.

It’s not about missing report filing deadlines. It’s about Ellision and his treasurer wife not paying fines late filing and for ignoring repeated attempts by the Campaign Finance Board to recover those fines.

It’s about a blatant and repeated disregard for the law.

It’s about a man who wants to represent me in congress who’s been affiliated with one of the most hateful bastards ever to spring from the womb.

It’s about a man who says he’s changed, but won’t give that same consideration to Rich Stanek.

It’s about a man who’s so Goddamn immature and politically deaf, he thought none of this would come to light and, if it did, he could play the anti-black and anti-Muslim cards to get out of it.

As for Pawlenty and his fine is concerned, I suggest you dig back through the old Star and Sickles and see just how much coverage they gave the story. I think you’ll be surprised by the amount of ink it got.

Not that any of these matters: You’d vote for Ellison if he were a cop car bomber.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

My God, what a bunch of candy-assed wussies

This is ridiculous. One would think it’s never been hot.

Hey, Guv, you might want to check out your history – particularly the summer of 1936.

The rest of you can hunker down in your air-conditioned homes and pray for deliverance from the heat. I’m going to sit outside and put down a cold beer, or two.

Apocalypse Now II: Revenge of the Apocalypse (an Excerpt from an Original Screenplay)

[Scene opens with long shot from above and behind of two soldiers side by side slowly walking down a desolate, dusty urban street shortly after sundown. The shot slowly zooms in during opening narration.]

LEARNEDFOOT: [Voiceover narration] I no longer fear hell because I've already been there. Our company has been patrolling this gosh-forsaken heckhole for a month now. We've seen little action, but one gets the feeling that the natives are planning something. The enemy is everywhere, but nowhere. It's been too quiet. And hot. And dark. We have the almost-full moon; the enemy has everything else. My old buddy Dementee and I pulled the dusk to dawn patrol short straw tonight. It couldn't end soon enough for us. Something's going to happen tonight. I can feel it.

LF: God, I hate this shit.

DEMENTEE: TRUE DAT, YO!!!!!!!!!!!

LF: Of all the nights to pull guard duty, we get the hottest, most humid night of the year.

DEM: *SIGH!!!!!!*

LF: I can't wait to get out of this armpit of the world.

DEM: ME TOO!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU GET BACK HOME??????!!!!!!

LF: Me? Ah hell. I dunno. Maybe golf a little. Sleep a little. Drink a lot.... You?

DEM: ME GONNA MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE TO WIFE, THEN NAP FOR THREE DAY!!!!!!!

LF: Mmmhmm. That sounds mighty good. Maybe I'll sleep with your wife too.

DEM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

LF: Hahahahahahahahahaaha!

DEM: [stops laughing abruptly] DON'T MAKE DEMENTEE SHOOT YOU!!!!!!!

LF: Hey now! Just bustin' yer balls.

DEM: ME JUST -

[sound of running footsteps]

DEM: YOU HEAR THAT???????!!!!!!!!

LF: Yeah.

[They shoulder their weapons, and survey the area]

DEM: ME NOT SEE ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

LF: Me neither. Must've been some -

[A bomb detonates loudly nearby]

DEM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

LF: What the-

[A second bomb detonates closer]

DEM: TAKE COVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LF: Shit! Shit! Shit! Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit!!!

[They dive behind a rusted-out '75 Chevy Nova]

DEM: ME THINK WE GOT SOME I.E.D. HERE!!!!!!

LF: [Sarcastically] Ya' think?

[Another bomb goes off. It's so close that it lifts them off the ground and throws them six feet. The quickly scamper back behind the Nova.]

LF: F**K!!!

DEM: ME NOT WANNA DIE!!!!!! ME NOT WANNA DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!

LF: [Slapping Dementee across the face] Get a hold of yourself man!

DEM: ME SORRY!!!!!!! WHAT WE GONNA DO??????!!!!!!!

LF: We need to call in some air support -

[Another bomb explodes]

LF: Given the number and placement of those explosive devices, I'd guess that we're out numbered.

DEM: GOOD IDEA!!!!!!! WHERE RADIO????!!!!!!

LF: It's in my pack. [LearnedFoot drags pack toward himself, opens it, and starts rummaging through it. While he's digging through the pack, he sings quietly to himself:] Live to fly / Fly to live / Aces hiiiiiiighhhhhhhhh -

[Dementee slaps LearnedFoot across face]

DEM: GET HOLD OF SELF, MAN!!!!!!! THIS NO TIME FOR IRON MAIDEN!!!!! JUST GET FRICKIN' RADIO!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

LF: Sorry. Got it! [Into radio:] Sneaky Weasel to Simple Simon! Come in Simple Simon! Over!

[After a short pause, the fuzzy voice of Simple Simon comes over the radio]

NOTORIOUS BIL: This is Simple Simon. What's your SITREP? Over.

LF: Sneaky Weasel. We are under heavy enemy fire. We've encountered four -

[Another bomb blows up nearby]

LF: - five - improvised explosive devices. We need air support. Over.

BILL: Do you have the enemy's coordinates? Over.

LF: That's a negative! We can't see anything out here except for the occasional blinding flash of recently ignited C4. Over.

BILL: Well, how the hell am I supposed to tell our bombers where to drop their ordinance unless I know where the enemy position is? Over.

LF: I don't give a shit! Just flatten the entire area!

BILL: That's a roger! Tell me your coordinates, so we can at least know where not to bomb. Over?

LF: [Cranes his neck and looks around] OK. We're near the intersection of Plymouth Avenue North and Morgan Avenue! Get those bombers here YESTERDAY!

BILL: They're on their way. Out.

LF: [Muttering to himself as he returns the radio to the bag] This whole thing is a quagmire. A quag-f**king-mire.

Clemenza on the Middle East

The Godfather is, in my opinion, one of the two greatest movies ever made (the other is The Godfather II). What places both of these movies at the top of the heap, in addition to the fabulous acting and tremendous directing and editing is the wisdom one can find in the screenplay.

Pete Clemenza, played by Richard Castellano, provides such wisdom in the following exchange, wisdom that can be directly applied to the current unrest in the Middle East.

(I won’t set up the scene because if you don’t recognize it there’s no hope for you.)

MICHAEL
How bad do you think it's gonna be?


CLEMENZA
Pretty goddamn bad. Probably all the other Families will line up against us. That's alright -- this thing's gotta happen every five years or so -- ten years -- helps to get rid of the bad
blood. Been ten years since the last one. You know you got to stop them at the beginning, like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich, They should never've let him get away with that. They were just asking for big trouble.

All in all, I’d say Israel has shown great restraint over the years and is showing too much of it now, but the tension had to come to a head eventually and better sooner than later.
I would like to see Israel end this shit one and for all. When the annihilation of Israel is the stated goal, the Israelis are obligated to remove that option from their enemies’ toolkit swiftly and in no uncertain terms. Make the dirty bastard rue the day they targeted Israel for elimination.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

You Think That You've Got it Bad...

Our old pal Andy's Soul-Flaying Crisis o' the Week is that he was recently diagnosed as having the disease Vertigo Virgil Virginity Vitamin O Vitiligo.

And once again, Bobo runs to the rescue with a little perspective to soothe Andy's fragile fragile psyche.


Who let Kathleen Soliah out of prison?

I couldn’t believe it when I read it: Cop cars bombed in Minneapolis.

The problem is, our only locally known cop car bomber is cooling her radical Leftist heels in prison – and will be for some time to come.

The police don’t know who did it, but rest assured Congressman want-to-be Keith Ellison will come to their defense.

After all, people change and grow, except for Rich Stanek that is.

BREAKING: Indictment Imminent in Plame Leak Case

WASHINGTON-- An unimpeachable source has revealed to KAR that the grand jury investigating the leak that revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame will hand down an indictment later today. The indictment signals a stunning climax in the interminably long investigation.

KAR has learned that the grand jury will indict Marquis' Who's Who in America later today, charging the tome with violating the Intelligence Identities Protection Act. The indictment was made possible by the testimony of columnist Robert Novak, who initially broke the story connecting Ambassador Joe Wilson's infamous trip to Niger with his wife's employment in the CIA. Earlier today, Novak broke his silence on the matter and ended months of speculation writing: "I learned Valerie Plame's name from Joe Wilson's entry in Who's Who in America."

The indictment will mark the first time that an inanimate object has been charged with a crime since Al Gore received a speeding ticket over 3 years ago. However, it would be the first time a reference book has ever been charged with federal crime.

Reaction to today's revelations were mixed. Prominent liberal blogger Jess Flakie was characteristically despondent, writing on his blog site, "I wanted a [expletive] Rove for [expletive] 'Fitzmas' and all I [expletive] got was this [expletive] book!"

Prolific conservative polemicist LearnedFoot responded to this common sentiment of the left with a three word statement: "Neener neener neener!"

Attorneys for Who's Who in America declined to comment.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

It's Like "Tootsie," but on a Blog

Apparently JB Doubtless is impersonating a chick on Fraters. (WARNING: DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR RITALIN!)

There's going to be hell to pay when Chad gets back.

UPDATE: And *poof* - it's gone. My guess is that it was Brian that killed the post. Just a hunch.

The Nihilist in Birkenstocks

So now the MilF is safely behind us. What to write now?

What, indeed?

...

Oh look! NonMonkey is back from his thrice-yearly four-week vacation:

Keith Ellison is black. Keith Ellison is a black Muslim. Keith Ellison is a black Muslim scofflaw who doesn't pay his parking tickets and is sloppy with paperwork.

And another thing: I hear he is a Muslim.

STOP!!!!

I'm not going to fisk this. Simply because I already have.

Come to think of it: have you ever seen NonMonkey and Garrison Keillor in the same place at the same time? Ah, put that aside. You don't need to read this NonMonkey barfypoopsnot. Just go to my fisking of Keillor's braindead musings linked above, and substitute "Keith Ellison" for "Nancy Pelosi" and "B-L-A-C-K M-U-S-L-I-M" for "G-A-Y".

It's basically the same thing: willful ignorance and half stories intended to paint half the population as members of the Klan.

Or maybe it's not willful. Maybe they just don't read the bullshit that they're peddling. NonMonkey is hoping that we either don't know about or ignore the following:

* The problem with Keith Ellison is not that he's a Muslim. The problem is with a certain group of Muslims with whom he chose to associate; namely the ones who take a roughly similar view of Jews as Hamas does. And let's not get into Calypso Louie's opinion of Whitey.

* Ellison's involvement with the Nation of Islam included a role in the Million Man March - a demonstration that, as nonMonkey put it, "called on black men to take responsibility for their families."

Fine. Suppose the Ku Klux Klan staged a similar march, the purpose of which was to call on white people to take responsibility for their families. Would a politician who was involved in that get a similar pass from the UnSimian?

And yes, I am comparing the NOI to the Klan.

* Ellison just had a few parking tickets. No biggie. Let he who is without sin, yada yada. it bears no relation to his fitness to serve in Congress.

Nick's right: it's no biggie. What is a biggie is what NonMonkey conveniently omits from his steaming pile:

Ellison acknowledged previous suspensions but said, "I don't know how many prior suspensions I've had. I don't keep count."

He doesn't know how many times his license has been suspended????

?????

!!!!!!!

I remember a big news story from a past presidential campaign, that tried to paint the Republican candidate - I can't remember if it was Bob Dole or George HW Bush - as "out of touch with mainstream America" because he didn't know how much a gallon of milk cost.

I submit that if you don't know how many times your driver's license has been suspended, you're out of touch with something far more profound than mainstream America. And it does speak to his fitness to hold office.

So there you have it. I'm a bigot because NonMonkey said so. Now back to my day job as a harry-backed swamp developer.

This crap, and Keillor's like it, is hack-job opinion journalism at its laziest. Both Keillor's and NonMonkey's brain poopings mentioned above could be reduced to a single sentence ("conservatives are dumb hateful bigots"); the rest is just fluff to fill line inches and hide the lie. If these ignoramuses even made an attempt at understanding or empathy - assuming they could muster enough brain cells to work together for a sufficient amount of time - these embarrassments would have never seen the light of day.

I suppose - if I thought I could get away with it - I could check my brain at the door and just rattle off a bunch of simple-minded insults like these bozos. How about this:

The party of Roosevelt and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-armpitted riot grrrls, Socialist plundering bullies with Mao's Little Red Book, freelance assholes, thought police, trust fund tycoons, line snorters, deadbeat dads and aluminum-siding scavengers, misanthropic campus barristas, ninja lab-rat liberators, shrieking failures of AM radio, tax extortionists, brie eaters, chicken chokers, Ritalin pushers, nihilists in Birkenstocks, backed-up Lutherans Episcopalians agnostics atheists, the grand pooh-bahs of Zoloft, mouth droolers, Ipod zombies and brownshirts in patchouli oil. (Compare)

But I probably wouldn't get away with it since my audience is a little more discerning than your average Saturday night NPR listener.