Thursday, August 31, 2006

Top 11 Possible "Disturbing Developments" at Fraters Libertas

Chad ominously alerts us that he will be making an announcement later about some "disturbing development." The KAR Speculation Department has cobbled together 11 possible scenarios as to the substance of that announcement:

11. Stillwater Chipotle to hold another Free Burrito Day

10. Spitbull squeezed out of Northern Alliance in binding share exchange; nobody notices.

9. JB Doubtless to drop out of Scotch Egg on a Stick eating contest after discovering that the Scotch eggs at this year's fair were made from free range sausage

8. Atomizer's monthly post is past deadline

7. The Man from Silver mountain has submitted a post for publication

6. Rocky Mountain Alliance has acquired Northern Alliance in hostile takeover - plans to liquidate.

5. Gillette has delayed the rollout of its latest product: a 5,000 blade vibrating razor / smoothie machine

4. Chad has finally acquiesced to the realization that hockey is indeed a second-tier sport

3. St. Paul got another parking ticket

2. Three words - guest blogger: LearnedFoot

1. Supreme Court has overturned Fraters trivia victory on a Substantive Due Process violation

Moron Mail

File this one away for later: in Moonbat Letter World, Democrats don't do opposition research:

Kennedy campaign wastes time, money looking for mud

The National Republican Senatorial Committee

[Looking at the title of the letter...]

[Looking at the first five words of the letter...]

[Looking at title...]

[Looking at letter...]

Oh never mind...

is giving Minnesotans yet another reason to vote the Democratic ticket in November ("GOP group mines data from office of Amy Klobuchar" Aug. 26.)

...Which is refreshing news, since the Democrats themselves still have yet to provide one.

(For you rookie bloggers and blog readers, that's known as a "money quote.")

After receiving 700 pages of requested minutiae, it is complaining that the thousands more documents requested are slow in coming.

"Minutiae"? What, were they looking for any pictures of Klubuchar that appeared to have been manipulated to show that the small fish she's holding is really a 30 pound Northern?

Or perhaps were they looking to see if she had the requisite CLE credits to avoid having her license put on "restricted status?"

Or were they demanding server logs and screenshots of her campaign website to determine when and to what extent the site has been updated?

Please, describe "minutiae."

I am furious that my tax dollars have been wasted by the "hundreds and hundreds of hours" Hennepin County has been forced to spend combing back records to honor these requests.

I wonder how many hundreds and hundreds of hours and thousands of taxpayer dollars Obsessive Stalker Looser has wasted filing her perpetual FOIA requests...

Oh that's right: only the NRSC / Kennedy campaign does oppo research.

The Republicans must be desperate to find something to smear Klobuchar's reputation.

Or perhaps they're looking for a "record". You know: that thing that incumbents can run on - or away from - but also the thing that an empty-skirted neophyte patrician running for a legislative office for the very first time doesn't possess. Legislative records are transparent - you can easily look up how a given legislator voted on any given law. The accomplishments of a county attorney are a little more obscure.

But hell, if it's sleazy to dig up your opponent's record in legislative campaigns, why not apply that standard elsewhere. Shit, why don't we just abrogate the discovery rules and the admissibility of impeachment evidence in the courts?

"I object to turning over that incriminating document because the plaintiff wants to use it to smear my client in court!"

We have seen enough of Republican smear tactics over the last six years

Like attempting to entrap opponent campaigns with shady contributions?

Like trying to get your opponent kicked off the ballot with a frivolous lawsuit based on an obscure technicality?

Oh wait. Those weren't Republicans.

to recognize this attempt for what it is: conniving, contemptible and without concern for Minnesota taxpayers.

I agree, that lawsuit against Gutknecht was conniving, contemptible and a waste of taxpayers' money.

Whoops! Sorry about that. Those things must have occurred on the planet in which only the Republicans are sleazy.

NANCY PELOSI, EDEN PRAIRIE

I have a feeling that we will be revisiting this edition of Moron Mail again. And again. And again...
Until then, remember: Only Republicans use "smear tactics". Try to keep that in mind while you read the local lefty blogs.

LearnedFoot: The Vince Lombardi of Thunderjournalism

Hello everybody. Obnoxious Packer Guy here. I'd like to take this rare moment of sobriety and lucidity to pay homage to one of the greatest human beings on the planet: our own LearnedFoot.
Ever since exploding onto the thunderjournalism scene in the waning weeks of 2004, LearnedFoot has never failed to amuse, enlighten and inspire his adoring readers. His prolific work ethic, trademark style and stunning good looks never fail to astound those who first stumble upon this thunderjournal for the first time every day.

Now, there are those who would decry his sometimes abrasive style; who haughtily impugn his superior intellect; who might suspect his motives. To them I - OPG - say this: LearnedFoot has done nothing but stand up for the silent majority! People that run him down are special interest groups and insiders that LearnedFoot exposes! His analyses are always spot on, and he is scrupulously honest.

LearnedFoot is a bright shining light of excellence in a murky and often depressing thunderjournalsphere. I - OPG -hope you will all join me in raising your beer steins in honor of this wonderful human being!

DEMENTEE ADD: ME SECOND THAT EMOTION!!!!!!!! FOOT RULE!!!!!!

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA FAWNS: Let us melt down our gold jewelry and fillings, and build a gilded monument in LearnedFoot's image, so that we may better worship him!

NOTORIOUS B.I.L. SAYS: Tonight, I shall decorate a pie in his honor!

Resurgence of the Thunderjournal

I think today KAR will get its groove back. Unless it doesn't.

In which case, I'll just open up a thread for Sisyphus and be done with it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Sad Hummingbird of Schizophrenia

A dreary ennui seems to have befallen most of the local bloggers worth reading this week. And also ones not worth reading, like KAR. There's nothing out there to mock, ridicule, laugh at, impugn, throw feces at, fisk, or poop on.

It's so bad, that I am forced to cram all of KAR's running gags into a single post, just to can see if I can do it:

KAR FAQ Ver. 6.9

Q: Say Foot, you know what? - Ryan R., Rochester

A: No, what?

Q: 9 Chickwood Lane is much better than your crappy Mr. Stinky comic! What do you say to that, huh? -Ryan R., Rochester.

A:



Q: Say Foot, is there anything else that Iron Maiden can teach us? -Dave O., Pittsburgh

A: Why yes. Yes there is.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About How Bobo Recites Iron Maiden Lyrics

Bobo is not a prisoner, so says he...

Moron Mail

Sarah is miserable:

The Behemoth — oh, I mean, Bridges of St. Paul project. Let's not begrudge the rich a playground on the riverfront. It seems the poor dears can't find upscale housing in the neighborhood — the $400,000 homes dotted along the bluff notwithstanding. They need luxury apartments, dozens more shops and restaurants, a 30-story hotel, a multiplex and Mythica so that they can feel "connected" to the river. And let's not forget that Jerry Trooien has graciously included a riverfront-walking path so that the rest of us poor slobs can stroll past and see how the other 1 percent lives.

The Bridges Web site says, "Go ahead and pinch yourself. It's all real." Mercifully, it's only real in cyberspace. Let's keep it that way.

SARAH McPOOPYBUTT, St. Paul

Um...

Why do editors who compile Dakota and Lakota folk stories hate rich people?

Poll This!
Are you satisfied with this post so far?
Yes - This is the greatest blog post I have ever read
Yes - This is the second greatest blog post I ever read
Yes - LearnedFoot is a golden god and I would love this post even if it only consisted of the word "poop" repeated over and over
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Poop Blogging

Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop


Haiku

All work and no blog
Material makes Foot write
"Poop" repeatedly.

Accounting Porn!

* Cost basis
* Stepped up basis
* Gain


Liveblogging the Writing of this Post

1:30 - This liveblog is over!


DEMENTEE ADD: HOW CAN FOOT FORGET DEMENTEE?????!!!!!!! FOOT MAKE DEMENTEE SAD!!!!!!! MAYBE MOONBAT BUFFET CHEER DEMENTEE UP!!!!!!!!

Moron Mail

This letter deserves the MM honor not so much for what is says...

Much as I enjoy Helen Duffy Murphy's thoughts on St. Paul, a city to which she has given much since she was Queen of the Snows in 1947, she is off the mark about me ("What's wrong with fundraising?" Aug. 29).

True, I am married to my favorite newspaper columnist, Laura Billings. But no, I never gave "column space" to my brother Chris during the 2005 campaign for mayor of St. Paul.

In fact, I scrupulously avoided mention of Chris or his opponent, Mayor Randy Kelly (for whom I voted in 2001), until the election was over. When I did write about "the brother," it was to remind him that, "It's not your town, Bro. You just work for us."

...but for its author:

[NonMonkey]
St. Paul


What a load of BS. Everybody knows that NonMonkey's favorite columnist is NonMonkey.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I Got Yer Poll Right Here, Pallie

I decided to use my blogging time for KvM today. Go there and read it now - if for no other reason than it will probably be the post that gets me kicked off that blog.

Monday, August 28, 2006

State Fair Haikus

EDITOR'S NOTE: Even though I am a Minnesotan (though I don't like to admit that fact) I have never attended the fair. I'm not a big state fair guy, and have been of the opinion that whomever avers that their state has the "best state fair in the country" is invariably full of shit. They're all the same. Nonetheless, I enjoyed my time at the fair. What follows are my observations in haiku form, since I don't feel like writing prose today.

Met MDE for
First time. Secure that I'm still
Best-looking MOBster.

Who were those women
Men bull dykes life forms filming
NARN? Agitprop soon?

Moonchild *loves* porkchop
On a stick. Tears the porky
Flesh like a lion.

My quest: fried Snickers
Bar. Mission accomplished. Twice.
Let the pooping start!

The Girl liked the horse
Barn. But she liked the Cotton
Candy booth better.

Hung like a horse, huh?
Well, good for you! Lucky me:
I'm hung like a sheep:



Passed Air America
Booth. Couldn't tell if smell was
From there, or horse barn.

Three hours is all
Moonchild could take. Five minutes
More: uh oh - Wrathchild!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About How the Boys in the LearnedFoot Household Roll When They're Left Alone

A lucky escape for now, young man. -- Iron Maiden.

(I've been neglecting the lessons to be drawn from Seventh Son, so consider this a makeup post for that. -ed.)

My wife's grandmother passed away earlier this month. As a result she has had to shuttle back and forth between here and Seattle a couple times to help look after her now widowed 89 year old grandfather. So I'm alone again with the kids this weekend.

However, unlike last time, I haven't had to bear the burden of minding my two ADHD / psycho spawn by myself. MamaFoot and Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo spent the weekend with us. They helped ease the burden, and we also all had a great day at the fair yesterday (more about that later). And today, my lovely sister in law offered to take The Girl off my hands; so tonight she's enjoying a slumber party with her cousins.

And so it's just me...

...and The Boy.

The evil that men do... - Iron Maiden

The Boy and I had a marvelous time tonight. We enjoyed a steak dinner, and then retired to the deck for drinks and conversation:




You'll pay for your mischief. -- Iron Maiden.

Good thing Mrs. Foot hardly ever reads KAR anymore...



Of course, she'll probably start reading it again now.

Your fate is sealed. -- Iron Maiden.

Yeah. I'm probably going to pay for this.

Oh well. Henceforth, the Boy shall be known as "Moonchild." Unless he is in his destructive state of mind, in which case I'll refer to him as "Wrathchild".

So it shall be written. So it shall be done. -- Iron Maiden.

OK. That's enough.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Lying Sacks of Shit

That’s the new official name of the Star & Sickle Editorial Board; Lying Sacks of Shit. There will be no acronym; LSS would only dilute the meaning of Lying Sacks of Shit.

They’ve skirted the truth in the past, but this editorial contains an out and out lie that should lead to the removal of every Lying Sack of Shit that sits on the board:

Think about it: Doctors in fertility clinics can harvest women's eggs, mix them with men's sperm in a dish and transfer some of the resulting days-old embryos to a woman's womb. Those same doctors can then throw out, destroy, flush, incinerate any leftover embryos. But federal law prohibits one extra step: While the surplus embryos are on their way to destruction, they cannot be detoured through a research lab where their stem cells are harvested and kept alive instead of being destroyed.

Complete and utter bullshit and these Lying Sacks of Shit know it.

The law prevents Federal funding of the research. Say it with me “Federal funding.”

But the Lying Sacks of Shit don’t want to tell the truth because they hate those against embryonic stem cell research. They treat them as religious fanatics in an attempt to paint them with the same brush as the Isalmofascist dirtball pig-suckers who want to kill each and every one of us.

To clarify, I have no dog in this fight as I’m undecided on the matter. But when I see this kind of lie printed in the state’s biggest daily, I’m inclined to be anti-research.

I can’t wait to see what the Lying Sacks of Shit will be lying about next.

Which District Are You In? Planet?

NonMonkey does the postmortem disingenuity; his wife Laura does the pre-event hit piece. From Tuesday's LauraMonkey column:

Richest districts boost politicians they can't even vote for

When President Bush gets off his plane in the Twin Cities today to attend a fundraiser for state Sen. Michele Bachmann, he will not be visiting her home in Stillwater. Instead, he will be driven about 40 miles in the opposite direction to the little lakeshore oasis of Wayzata, which, while not the capital of our state, seems poised this election season to become the capital of political capital.

***

In fact, Wayzata is the top ZIP code in the state for campaign contributions to the 2006 races, according to opensecrets.org, which posts the filings to the Federal Election Commission. Denizens of the 55391 ZIP code have already donated $1,254,841 to their favorite candidates, which is almost a half million ahead of the ZIP's closest rival, 55403 in Minneapolis.

This makes Wayzata three times more generous than all of St. Cloud ($419,253) and six times more deep-pocketed than the Duluth-Superior area ($197,267).

Given this willingness among Wayzatans to open their wallets, you can see why Vice President Dick Cheney has paddled to the shores of Lake Minnetonka twice since last summer to stump for local Republicans. When you charge $4,200 to have your picture taken with patrons (the president himself will expect $5,000 for the honor today), you can be pretty confident the checks won't bounce.

Let's cut to the end where Lauramonkey offers some food for thought.

Clearly, these are the sorts of people who care about the country, and they deserve their props for taking part in the political process. But when the serious money in a campaign comes from people 40 miles or, let's face it, a world away from the constituents in question, you can't help wondering whom our public servants are really serving.

Hmmm. She's got a point there. One does wonder whose constituency is being served when someone like - to just pull a random name out of thin air - Betsy Hannaford, resident of the 3rd Congressional District - donates cash to pols like...

Bill Luther (2nd CD - 2001)*

Bill Luther, again (2nd CD - 2002)*

Betty McCollum (4th CD - 2002)

Betty McCollum, again (4th CD - 2003)

Teresa Daly, twice (2nd CD - 2004)

Susan Collins, (Maine - 2002) (Hey! A "Republican"!)

Why do liberals "reformed Republicans" hate their own districts?

(KAT to alert Shot in the Dark reader Thorley for doing the leg work)

To be fair, Ms. Hannaford did contribute to Amy Klobuchar twice. We are fairly certain that A-Klo is running for the Senate in Minnesota. But given the recent revelation off Hannaford's donations to that campaign, we will have to recheck that fact.

* There was some redistricting done way back when, so it is entirely possible that Wayzata was in the 2nd back in the early aughts. I have neither the time nor the inclination to research that. Take this modest footnote as a sign of good faith from your humble correspondent. In any event, given the other donations she's made, that possibility doesn't undermine my assertion. Whatever that is.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Why Does NonMonkey Hate Honest Sources?

Remember yesterday when I fisked that NonMonkey column?

[musing] That was great.

There was a part in that article where his featured subject claimed to be a "reformed" Republican. Remember how this thunderjournal was temporarily knocked out of service by all the red flags that sprung up?

In case you don't remember or are to lazy to click through the link above, here's the pertinent part in it's unfisked form:

Hannaford, 49, describes herself as "a reformed Republican." While her husband, Jule, has contributed to the campaigns of George Bush and Republican Sen. Norm Coleman, she, in recent years, has contributed mostly to Democrats, including to Amy Klobuchar's campaign for the U.S. Senate.

She still calls herself a Republican. But she says she is a "reformed" one. And that the president has "reformed" her.

"I'm no longer voting that way," she said, meaning Republican. And she said she isn't the only "reformed" Republican.

"People have issues with Mr. Bush," she said. "I think people are troubled by the war, his energy policies, a host of things. And his position on choice."

Whenever I see a purported "Republican" dissatisfied with This Administration in Letters to the Editor or in a NonMonkey column, I automatically get suspicious. It's a cute little persuasive trick that almost always collapses when you do a little research. And you see it a lot. NonMonkey likes to use this ruse (but since the Strib is keeping a tight leash on NonMonkey's archives - it only goes back to June now - I can't link to an example. Ryan?)

So thanks to "a little research" done by alert reader Mike, we can now vaporize another NonMonkey-proffered "lifelong dissatisfied Republican. Take a look at this bio:

Betsy A. Hannaford currently serves on the boards of The Guthrie Theater and Graywolf Press, and is an active volunteer at The Blake School in Minneapolis. She is a former board member of Planned Parenthood of Minnesota and the Ripley Foundation. Betsy graduated from Pomona College and NYU School of Law.

I will make no inference as to what her position on the Guthrie's board means, nor will I as to her involvement with the Greywolf Press (though it does raise suspicions); but NonMonkey wants me to believe that a lifelong "Republican" served on the board for Planned Freaking Parenthood? Or even less likey: that Planned Parenthood would have even allowed a Republican on its board?

Rediculous! (sic)

Add that to the regurgitated DFL positions "energy policy," "the war," "choice" and her vomiting up the Global Warming Kool Aid, and you can't help but reach the conclusion that, when she says she is or has ever been a Republican, she's as full of shit as NonMonkey is.

So could all you moonbats out there please stop it with the whole "I'm a lifelong Republican who's very very upset with This Administration" bullshit? You're not fooling anybody.

UPDATE: The thread continues to unravel:

Cyber-sleuth commenter, Joe, shares the following:

There's only 9 addresses on Bracketts Point Road, so having two of the neighbors hoping to see the president seems like a pretty good percentage to me.

Of course, fact checking has always been a weakness for Nick. The Hannaford home is actually in Orono, though the ZIP code is Wayzata. Pretty nice home, too - Hennepin county values it at over $2 million. No way Nick saw the ducks or the boat from the drive - the place is huge!

Nick also apparently missed the fact that Mr. Hannaford is a partner in a law firm that specializes in, among other things, helping big corporations structure benefit packages for corporate executives. I bet he's thrilled with this column.

UPDATE 2: Brilliant.

I Wanna Party With You (gay) Cowboy: Some Notes on the Upcoming Mutual Admiration Society MOB Party

As you may already know, the semiannual MOBapalooza will be on Sept. 9 at (what was the name of that place again? Oh, yeah:) Keegan's. Remember that we will be voting on Bogus Badass Doug's impeachment, so please make every effort to attend. The future of the MOB's democracy is in your hands.

========

I want to lay out some simple, personal ground rules that I will be slavishly following at this party:

1) I will not talk to you if you are wearing a nametag.

Leave it at home, Poindexter. Feel free to use it at the next GenCon or Star Trek convention.

======

Finally, Mitch offered a chiding but magnanimous MOBFest '06 invitation to the faction of local thunderjournalists who tend to get featured more favorably in the Blog House:

By the way, the MOB is rigorously non-partisan. We encourage leftybloggers to show up - in fact, we go out of our way to invite them...

***

Just saying, leftybloggers - come on down. It's a lot of fun - and by fun, I don't just mean swearing and frothing.

And, of course, one of the invitees had to heroically wipe his butt with the RSVP card before returning it.

So as a public service to the NARN organizers of the party, and especially to those who will be attending, I will issue an amended invite that everyone should consider as the official invitation. And this goes for everyone, not just the thunderjournalists Tim O'Brien approves of (WARNING: contains a run-on sentence!):

Another reminder - the third annual MOB Summerpalooza is at Keegan's Pub on Saturday, September 9. An RSVP isn't necessary, but feel free to drop [Mitch] one at northernallianceparty (at) hotmail (dot) com anyway, so [he] can get a count of the attendees in advance.

By the way, the MOB is rigorously non-partisan. We encourage leftybloggers to show up - in fact, we go out of our way to invite them. [However, if you are a smug little prick who insists on viewing everything - up to and including Pluto's status as a planet - through a political prism, and who thinks that certain persons should be segregated from society simply because they vote for different people than you do, then stay the hell home and mirthlessly internalize all the world's ills - as you see them - in your own special bipolar way, like usual. And also, please, fuck off.]


I think that's better.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Moron Mail

Serendipity.

First I read this letter:

How predictable: Those who believe the executive branch can declare itself free of the oversight that the Constitution calls for now use the plot to bomb planes, foiled by Britain, to justify ignoring the FISA court's authority.

Just as predictably -- the argument holds no water. That plot came to light through an informant's tip and competent investigation, not wiretaps. With such evidence, a law-abiding Bush administration could easily have obtained any warrant it needed.

PAUL DAVESON, EAGAN

And then a little later, predictably, I come across this, which shows that this argument, er, holds no water:

Officials said U.S. law would not have allowed the FBI to conduct the type of surveillance that led Britain to uncover the al Qaeda cell and capture what could be the network’s chief. They said the department also does not have the funding to detect new types of bombs used by al Qaeda.

''What helped the British in this case is the ability to be nimble, to be fast, to be flexible, to operate based on fast-moving information,'' Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said.

Officials said British authorities have greater powers of surveillance and investigation, which facilitated the capture of more than 20 suspected al Qaeda plotters. In contrast, they said, Congress has been reviewing the Bush administration's warrantless eavesdropping program and military tribunals.

On Aug. 17, U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor ruled in Detroit that the National Security Agency's wiretap program was unconstitutional and ordered that it be halted. The administration plans to appeal the decision
.

So a left-wing douchebag letter writer (is there any other kind?) goes off half cocked, bloviating about things he knows nothing about, uncritically regurgitating the same tripe he's been fed.

How predictable!

NonMonkey Can Teach Us a Lot About Wishful Thinking Based on Anecdotal Evidence

A dimwitted boy once walked into an ethnic mercado in South Minneapolis. All the signs inside were written in Spanish. The customers and employees all spoke to each other in Spanish. This whole scene caused the dimwitted boy to earnestly wonder how he wound up in Mexico.

On a wholly unrelated topic, NonMonkey wandered into Wayzata yesterday:

Like George W. Bush, I am unfamiliar with Bracketts Point Road in Wayzata. Unlike the president, I wasn't invited to visit Tuesday.

That's because nobody likes you. So there.

So when I drove up to a traffic barricade that blocked off most of the road hours before the president arrived for a fundraiser, I turned my car around and pulled into the driveway of a home that had a sailboat in the back yard, a family of ducks swimming along the shore and a dog named Max that came to bark at me.

That's when I noticed something I thought I'd never see on Bracketts Point: signs protesting a Republican president
.

Yeah, because everybody knows that Wayzata went 100% for Bush in 2004.

Oh wait: it only went 54% for Bush.

And NonMonkey's preconceived notions come crashing down around him.

We live in strange times.

Bracketts Point is the heart of the Republican vineyard, a prestigious address in the state's most generous political gift-giving ZIP code (55391, which means Wayzata). The president's visit drummed up a half-million dollars for Republican congressional candidate Michele Bachmann. But a protest against George Bush here? That's like finding a Baptist information table at the Vatican.

...Or not, when you consider that 44% of Wayzatans were brain damaged enough to vote for Kerry.

I rang the doorbell and introduced myself to Betsy Hannaford, whose yard was sporting the protest signs. She said I shouldn't have been surprised. The Bracketts Point natives are growing restless.

You could almost see the steam rising from Bracketts Point's (scans down the page to see how NonMonkey described the neighborhood) "handful" of homes.

Hannaford, 49, describes herself as "a reformed Republican." While her husband, Jule, has contributed to the campaigns of George Bush and Republican Sen. Norm Coleman, she, in recent years, has contributed mostly to Democrats, including to Amy Klobuchar's campaign for the U.S. Senate.

She still calls herself a Republican. But she says she is a "reformed" one. And that the president has "reformed" her.

"I'm no longer voting that way," she said, meaning Republican. And she said she isn't the only "reformed" Republican.

"People have issues with Mr. Bush," she said. "I think people are troubled by the war, his energy policies, a host of things. And his position on choice."


"His position on...

...

"choice."

Excuse me - I'm laughing too hard to type right now...

[45 minutes later...]

You know, I -

[Laughs hysterically for another half-hour.]

You know what? I'm a "reformed Democrat". Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of us reformed Democrats who are troubled by the Democratic party's supine national defense policies, their tendency to tax the living shit out of the "rich", their belief that "rich" means anyone earning over $45,000 per year, their quasisocialist economic policies, their desire to abrogate the 2nd Amendment, their ongoing assault on the 1st Amendment, their desire to emulate Cuba's health care system, their desire to emulate Cuba, their insistence that Social Security remain a federally mandated Ponzi Scheme, their opposition to school "choice", their constant advocacy for voting rights for felons and dead people, and their position on...

...abortion.

So I'm no longer voting that way.

Er, wait - I never did.

Hmmmm....

There are only a handful of homes along Bracketts Point, big homes with big lots sweeping down to big water where big boats stand ready. But as far as Hannaford had heard, only two of her neighbors were hoping to see the president.

"I don't know anybody who's going," Hannaford said, nodding toward the end of the leafy peninsula that juts out into Lake Minnetonka between Smith and Browns Bays.

What was the name of the elitist liberal who claimed that she didn't know anybody who voted for Nixon, while everybody else in the country searched for the 12 people that voted for McGovern?

Notice how the word "peninsula" sounds a lot like "insular". Usually NonMonkey picks up on those seemingly all-too-convenient self-serving metaphors.

How did he miss that one?

The protest signs were made by Hannaford's daughter, Mary Connolly, a high school senior. "We Believe in Global Warming" one sign said. "You Should, Too," said the second.

"Believe in" global warming? Like one might believe in, say, angels?

I knew it. The Kyoto Krowd are nothing more than a bunch of lightweights engaging in a sort of nihilistic religion.

The cops wouldn't let Mary put up her polite signs until they could verify that she lived on Bracketts Point. Their heads probably are still spinning. A protest on the point.

Who'da thunk it?


Apparently not NonMonkey. I'll bet his mind (such as it is) would explode if he were to ever find out that there's a Republican in Northeast Minneapolis.

"I don't want to pay $5,000 to have my picture taken so I can have a Christmas card with George Bush's arm around me," said Mary. "And I won't be out there with cookies and lemonade, either. I'm passionate about global warming, and this administration has not recognized it is changing our weather."

And I'm passionate about calling out activists who claim that they're someone who they're not...

Something sure seems to be changing.

Yeah. Nick stopped taking his meds.

The Hannafords received four invitations to attend the $1,000 fundraising event. Two were phone calls from Bachmann, whose campaign in the Sixth District (which does not include Bracketts Point) was the target of the Bush visit. What did you tell Bachmann, I asked Hannaford.

"Nothing," she said. "I didn't talk to her. I never picked up."


So how did she know it was Bachmann if she never picked up the phone? Even assuming she had caller ID, it still could have been a staffer, a recorded message, one of Bachman's stalkers that hacked into her cell phone...

Not picking up your phone. Ouch.

Ouch indeed! This "snub" seems to hit NonMonkey a little too close to home, it seems.

It's not scientific evidence, but maybe the polls are right: Bush and his policies are deep in doo-doo.

Finally, an intelligent observation. Except for the part that shows Bush's numbers rising. Which really is only interesting to you if you use those polls to validate your world view; to comfort yourself that you are a member of the bigger herd because of some deep seated self-confidence deficit.

"My grandparents have been Republicans a long time," Mary Connolly said. "And they look aghast at the idea of going to see the president. We know a lot of people who, at one time, would have attended.

Must be Bush's surprisingly unorthodox position on...

..."choice."

"Now, they're looking around and asking:

" 'Why would I?'"

So that $500,000 Bush raised yesterday came from - where? - those fabulous money trees that must be growing in the western 'burbs?

We'll be watching the precinct reports from Wayzata extra carefully come election night.

UPDATE: Ryan poops on Coleman too, catching some points I missed, and adding fuel to the suspicions that he and I are actually the same person.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Alas, the World Draws Ever Nearer to Its Verdant, Well-Manicured End

Oh what cursed blight has Corporate America and its willing accomplices in this corrupt administration visited upon us now? What diabolical force is being employed to hasten the Rapture? How much longer can we survive?

Oh woe! Fie! Fie! Wormwood!

What shall we call this plague of the Apocalypse descending upon us?

It's, er, grass:

You don't have to be a grass-seed producer in central Oregon to be alarmed by last week's news that genetically modified bentgrass has escaped its test area and taken root among wild plants miles away.

Um...

Yes you do.

Once again, companies controlling the transgenic revolution have proved themselves unable to safely sequester their creations while the risks are under study. Those risks remain murky, though certainly real, and even if this first documented escape of engineered plants from a U.S. test plot falls short of catastrophe, rest assured there will be others. Industry practices and lagging government oversight virtually guarantee it.

Oh Lord, if it is thy will, please deliver us from this murkily risky chlorophyll-soaked grassy doom!

In some ways, the downwind migration of creeping bentgrass into an area including the Crooked River National Grassland, northeast of Eugene, is more alarming than the earlier case of transgenic canola popping up in Canada.

Ah yes, the Great Canola Popup Crisis of Aught Three. Many hosers died in their tracks from fright that day. Although, the ones that survived went on to enjoy heart-healthy popcorn for the rest of their lives.

The issue is the same: accidental transfer, especially to wild and weedy plants, of a gene specially inserted to make the engineered variety resistant to the herbicide glyphosate (Roundup). But unlike canola, which has few wild cousins to pollinate and must be replanted each year, bentgrass is a perennial with at least a dozen close relatives susceptible to cross-pollination.

Like the Kentucky Bluegrass and the California sensomea. You can play 18 holes on that stuff and then get stoned to the bejeezus on it afterwards!

While the goal in both cases was also the same -- lowering herbicide use -- it's not irrelevant to consider that canola contributes lots of vegetable oil to the world's food supply, while the high-tech bentgrass was destined for golf courses (and perhaps, down the road, some lawns in affluent suburbs).

And herein lies the real horror for the Portland Avenue Poopheads: golf courses and rich people with nice lawns.

Because old-fangled grass seed is a $370-million-a-year industry in Oregon, officials of Scotts Miracle-Gro and Monsanto offered safety guarantees against seed or pollen escaping from their experimental bentgrass plantings, including a wide buffer zone around the test plots. But by the time the test crop's seed was harvested two years ago and the modified plants destroyed, scientists had found its pollen well beyond the buffer.

OK. So pollen from a genetically modified grass seed is a MAJOR (murky) RISK!!!! but yet ragweed is allowed to pollinate willy-nilly without so much as a letter to the Strib - let alone an above the fold institutional editorial?

Excuse me for a moment while I go blow my nose 47 times.

Now bentgrass sampling in wild fields has turned up nine plants with the gene that provides Roundup resistance, as far as three miles outside the zone. It's unclear how many of these grew from escaped seed or are essentially wild plants that picked up the resistance gene from drifting pollen.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!

Either way, it's a nightmare scenario for Oregon's seed producers. If the resistance gene shows up in their grasses, it could kill exports to the many countries that ban genetically modified plants.

And while I sympathize with the grass seed people, it sounds like the real problem lies with the laws of those other countries.

Why do liberals and foreigners hate genetically modified turfgrass?

If it shows up in noxious grasses, their weed-control problems will multiply -- while the usefulness of glyphosate, rather earth-friendly as herbicides go, will correspondingly contract.

Three words: gas-o-line.

Scotts and Monsanto are pressing for federal approval to bring their talented new bentgrass to market.

"Talented" grass?

Ohhhhhhh! Like the Strib editorial board!

But you've no need to worry that its Roundup resistance will drift into your manicured grass, or your neighbor's weedy yard, or that vacant lot down the street. The Scotts people say the golf courses will surely keep the bentgrass stuff cut so short it won't have a chance to produce pollen or go to seed. Rest assured.

How can I "rest assured" when you just spent the last 9 column inches scaring the bejeebers out of us?!!! I'm in a full-on frothy panic here!

Oh. You were being sarcastic. I get it.

Greatest. Comic. Ever.

Ripped from the comment threads:


Monday, August 21, 2006

Moron Mail

Because of me, the left wing letter mill's Great War Against Your Intelligence is a quagmire. You can thank me later. For now, let's count how many times this loser repeats the same vapid talking point:

Vote Democratic to save Social Security

This June, Republican President Bush said in a speech that he still wants to phase out Social Security [*ding* ONE].

And while we're here, I'd just like to point out that it appears that the only people who are using this phrase are morons like you. I can't find any news article about or transcript of this speech. And on further reflection, it occurs to me that it would be a collossal political blunder of epic proportions to go around giving speeches about how you're going to "phase out" Social Security in an election year. Especially when, from time immemorial, Social Security has been known as the "third rail" of politics. Touch it and you die. Not something that's likely to happen when ackowledged political evil super genius Karl Rove is pulling Chimpy McBushitler's strings, no?

Perhaps you're lifting the "phased out" thing out of its context. If it was ever uttered at all.

And this July, Republican Majority Leader John Boehner said that he will introduce Bush's plan to phase out Social Security [*ding* TWO] after the new year (and after elections).

(What did Goebbels say about repeating something something...?)

Republican Mark Kennedy has already declared support for Bush's plan to phase out Social Security [*ding* THREE]. And Republican Michele Bachmann, who has never found a Republican scheme [shouldn't that be "risky scheme"? Please consult you duly issued DNC Letter Writer's Stylebook, pg. 67, par. 5 -ed.] too extreme, will also support the Republican plan to phase out Social Security [*ding* FOUR].

If you want to protect Social Security from the Republican plan to phase it out [*ding* FIVE], vote for Democrats Amy Klobuchar for Senate and Patty Wetterling for Congress.

I'd rather spend an evening in conversation with you about Social Security over a lukewarm glass of soy milk.

PHASEOUT SOCIALSECURITY, PHASEOUTSOCIALSECURI, TY

So to recap:

Number of times a moonbat mentions "phasing out" "Social Security" in a four paragraph letter: 5

Number of hits the Google News search phrase "bush + 'phase out' + 'Social Security'" generates: 5

Number of those hits that are relevant: 3

Perentage of relevant hits that were the above reproduced Moron Mail: 33%

Filler Material

Friday, August 18, 2006

Crappiest. Comic. Ever.

I have nothing to write about today, really, other than that it appears Doug now thinks that he's me. And really there's not even much there to write about that a surf over to Bogus Dougland won't express in a far more explicit way. And I do mean explicit.

So I'll just go with my C-material.

The comic strip 9 Chickweed Lane sucks. I mean sucks.

Suck-diddly-ucks.

If poop could poop, you'd have 9 Chickweed Lane.

It's so bad that it makes me pine for the previously undisputed sucktacular shitball of a strip La Cucaracha, that the Strib mercifully stopped exposing its readers to last year.

Only to replace it with this waste of soy ink.

From what I can tell, the strip consists almost entirely of either :a) kissing; 2) dancing; or D) 50 year old cat jokes.

It's the comic strip equivalent of the Grass Network ("Coming up after the break: Poa!")

According to that site 9CL won the 2006 National Cartoonist Society's Award for Best Newspaper Comic Strip. I am guessing that these are the same people that gave the Nobel Peace Prize to Yassir Arafat.

Hey, I know: I'll draw an impenetrably dull comic featuring an anthropomorphic turd named Mr. Stinky who falls on a different generic character's head every day!


The National Cartoonist Society, the Nobel Prize Committee, thePulitzer Committee, or whomever, can send my award to LearnedFoot c/o this thunderjournal.

Thunderjournal Hacking Update

Andy's site is back to normal.

I'm sure that many of you are wondering about what went down last night. Well, I'll just say that I beat Andy to a bloody gelatin with a tire iron, ran over him repeatedly with my car and threw him off the Hennepin Avenue bridge enjoyed several cold refreshing beverages in Andy's company while Strommie regaled us both with a list of all the hot chicks he'd like to pork, and leave it at that.

With all the suspicions swirling around me hacking other people's sites, I feel that I need to cut off any speculation about the latest cyberterrorism I have just now become privy to, by telling you all straight out that, although it looks like something I might write, I am in no way responsible for this.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About How I'm Totally Going to Throw Down on Andy's Fuzzy Little Head Tonight

Oh, fight for the honor! --Iron Maiden

So this is how it's going to be? Andy just sent an e-mail to me, cc-ing the ENTIRE MilF MAILING LIST, accusing me of hacking his site:



From: "Andy Aplikowski"
Subject:
Re: The MilF is at hand
Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2006 12:59:10 -0500
To: "Yummy
Kool Aid"

Foot you SOB. What the F did
you do to my site?
Leave me out of this latest pissing match between you and
Tony.
AAA

Fine, Andy.

Me.

You.

The parking lot behind Keegan's.

Tonight.

UPDATE: Bobo pleads for mercy on Andy's behalf.

UPDATE 2: HOLY CRAP!

Moron Mail of the Day

Really. The Strib should just start calling the "Letter of the Day" Moron Mail. It's gotten that bad:

Who is served by imprisoning Sara Jane Olson

Like I said: "that bad."

The portrait of prisoner Sara Jane Olson, formerly Kathleen Soliah (Star Tribune, Aug. 14), demonstrated just how much of a waste the penal system can be.

And Sara Jane Olson can show what a waste of flesh some people can be.

Make a mental note about how this jerk used the phrase "penal system." We'll come back to that.

It is easy for a prisoner to claim remorse and rehabilitation after the fact. What makes Olson unique is she demonstrated personal excellence in the decades she spent as a St. Paul housewife.

"Demonstrated personal excellence" = "Raised money for the DFL and other liberal causes".

Now she sits in an overcrowded prison at taxpayer expense.

Good.

And what is accomplished?

Punishment. That's the point of the penal system, right? If you think about it just a little bit (are you even capable of that?) you'll notice that "penal" comprises the first five letters in the word "penalty".

There's a connection there. Think about it.

Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink...

A husband and daughters see their wife and mother a few times a year. Meanwhile, Olson passes the days by picking up trash and watching television.

There. You just answered your own question: she picks up trash.

Even more ridiculous,

Don't you mean "rediculous?"

she is classified as an intensely supervised inmate, an escape threat and a potential danger to the general public.

She's considered a threat to the public because:

a) She helped bomb police cars;

b) She participated in an armed robery that left a person dead; and

c) She raised money for the DFL and other liberal causes.

(Oh snap!)

Criminal justice advocates argue that Olson got what she deserved.

Can I take that to mean, then, that you are a "criminal justice opponent"?

Her supporters maintain that she never even should have been prosecuted. Many others don't remember the turbulent 1970s and probably don't care one way or the other.

OK. Let's apply that logic:

Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling and the others committed their crimes during the Gogo '90s, therfore, they never should have been prosecuted.

And didn't at least one of those corrupt corporate officers apologize?

REHABILITATION!

Whatever one's position, you must admit that Olson's present situation is one of pure waste, with nothing being accomplished whatsoever.

Soliah should have thought of that before associating herself with the SLA. The only peson who's wasting anything is Soliah Maybe the DFL and the other liberal causes she raised money for should give back that money to fund her incarceration.

Very sad.

Not as sad as this letter.

KARL KOOKBALL, APPLE VALLEY

*shudder*

This guy lives by me.

Which is scary when you think about it. If the only reason for prison is for rehabilatative purposes, as Kookball here seems to think, then it's not hard to imagine the day when Amy Klobuchar's office starts prosecuting people for voting Republican.

Well, not me. I live in Dakota County.

An Internicene Blog War Without KAR?

How rediculous!

But apparently, true. Always Right Etc. looks like it's been hacked.

Classy.

I mean, sure, Tony Garcia is a pompous Gorganzola-eating twit, but this sort of stuff is really, really low. And what's worse, this job appears to have Andy's fingerprints all over it.

Except that "haha" is spelled correctly.

If that's the case, I may have to rethink my friendship with him.

Developing...

UPDATE: Now Andy's site has been hacked!

Get the popcorn. This is getting fun.

Iron Maiden Can Also Ask Some Cogent Questions

Can I play with madness? --Iron Maiden

Why yes. Yes you can. Because tonight, "Madness" will be in the form of Bill and me, and you can play with us at one of our rare Keegan's public appearances. Some highlights of what you can expect:

* A panel discussion entitled: John J Miller Was Wrong: Powerslave is Not the Best Iron Maiden Album.

* LearnedFoot will conduct an Insalata Caprese workshop.

* Bill will be signing his new book: 101 New Pie Decorating Methods for the S&M Professional. Bring your copy!

* Behind the scenes of the Great Cheese War of '06

* And much much more.

Hope to see you there.

UPDATE: Bill informs me that he will be unable to attend tonight because he needs to prepare for the Keynote speech he will be delivering at the annual Gift Wrappers of America convention (GiWraCon) this weekend.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Transcript of LearnedFoot Press Conference 8/16/06

KAR SPOKESMAN: Welcome members of the press. LearnedFoot will be out to speak to you in one moment. But first, as is our new practice, I shall start this presser with a poem.

Oh pointy bird
Oh, pointy pointy:
Anoint my head.
Anointy 'nointy.

And now without any further ado, Mr. Foot.

[Polite applause. Flashbulbs go off.]

LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you. Thank you all for coming out today. I have a prepared statement to make, and then I will take a few questions.

[Dramatic pause.]

LEARNEDFOOT: I'm here to announce today that I like tacos. I find them to be a refreshing and satisfying repast that pairs well with just about any beer. Now with that out of the way, I will take some of your questions on the topic of tacos.

[Stunned silence]

LEARNEDFOOT: Questions? Anyone?... Yes. You in the back.

REPORTER #1: That's it?

LEARNEDFOOT: Yes. Next question. You there.

REPORTER #2: No, seriously - you called us out here to tell us you like tacos?

LEARNEDFOOT: Why yes, yes I did.

REPORTER #2: I have a followup...

LEARNEDFOOT: Shoot.

REPORTER #2: What the f**king f**ck?!!!!

LEARNEDFOOT: I don't know why you're dismayed. I have this press conference every week. Frankly, I'm a little shocked that you all showed up. Usually I'm just talking to a wall or Dementee. Any other questions?

REPORTER#3: Is there any truth to the rumor that this whole thing was a stunt to parody the breathless wishful-thinking report by a local television news outlet about a routine Brett Favre press conference that subsequently swept the internet causing many to speculate that Favre was going to announce his retirement?

LEARNEDFOOT: I can neither confirm or deny that. Yes, you there?

HELEN THOMAS: Meh meh meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh! Bleorg! Isn't it true that you hate who you're told to hate, and that you link to Swiftee, and doesn't that make you a jerk?

LEARNEDFOOT: This press conference is over!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!! MOST IMPORTANT!!!!! READ NOW!!!!!

LearnedFoot has just informed me that he will be holding a press conference at 1:30 pm today. He gave no further details, and did nothing to quell speculation that he may be ready to make a statement about his retirement from Thunderjournaling and the future of KAR.

Stay tuned!

Developing...

Me So Giddy

Stick a fork in 'em.

First, the Vikings lose their #1 pick for the season.

Then, in an elegant act of self-sabotage, a local media outlet prints this about the Vikes' projected #1 receiver on Aug. 9th:

Koren Robinson, a leader by example

It's his second year with the Vikings, but it's his first training camp. Receiver Koren Robinson was picked up after camp last season. He was fresh out of alcohol rehab and just trying to find normalcy in life.

Koren says, "I feel comfortable to a certain extent but not content as far as what I have going on off the field because I always have to stay mindful of my situation and what is going on with me."

Just trying to stay the course Koren broke free. He was selected to the Pro Bowl as a special teams player. He earned a new contract, and now he's the number one receiving option.

[snip]

Koren is back to just being a football player though he doesn't shy away from the past, and recently it's been something to be proud of. He just celebrated 1-year of sobriety. "It just feels good. I'm trying to do the stuff on and off the field to be a better person and a better player."

It's an accomplishment that most people might never fully understand, but his teammates do. While talking to them one can see the trust and respect they have for him.

[snip-er-doodle]

As Koren ends that day taking the time to sign an autograph for a young fan, it's obvious, now Koren is free to do all the stuff that comes naturally to him.

And what comes naturally to an alcoholic Viking? Well, this, on Aug. 16:

Vikings WR Koren Robinson was arrested Wednesday morning on suspicion for driving while impaired while returning to training camp. He's in jail as of early Wednesday morning.

For those of you who are not of the ilk of Syl Jones and Chad the Elder, the above linked source threw in some handy fantasy football draft advice for ya':

Robinson faces a shaky future with Minnesota. Signed to be their No. 1 receiver, the Vikings have behavior clauses that could get them out of Robinson's contract. It is likely that Robinson would be suspended again by the league, very possibly for a year, if he remains with the team. Take him off draft boards.

Tee hee.

So with the Vikings now out of contention, our thoughts turn to St. Brett (may peace be upon Him). He's scheduled a press conference for around 11:30.

Will he be retiring?

If so, does that mean that A-Rog is "ready" to play in da' NFL?

Will I be passed put in a puddle of my own drool by then?

If not, I shall liveblog.

Bears suck. Out.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Moron Mail

Unreasonable:

Cannibalism it’s not

The Aug. 13 Letter of the Day engaged in some remarkably specious reasoning and rhetorical flourishes before concluding that the Democratic Party engages in cannibalism.

spe·cious, adj. [first def. archaic] 2: having deceptive attraction or allure; 3: having a false look of truth or genuineness

Remember that - we'll come back to it.

Name-calling aside,

Actually, I think the "cannibalism" thing is more of a metaphor than name-calling...

let us examine the argument that "independent" ideas are unwelcome in the Democratic Party.

Quick: name 5 pro-life Democrats holding a state-wide or national elected office. Ready? Go!

Assume that the Republican Party and its leader believe that the earth is flat.

What is it with you people and the flat earth analogies?

Oh yeah: it's that whole "reality-based" thing.

Assume further that someone in the Democratic Party believes similarly, contrary to the opinion of the majority of Democrats (not to mention 60 percent of the American people).

So 40% of the American people believe the world is flat in your analogy?

If said Democrat loses a primary election because of his position on the shape of the Earth, rhetorical flourishes from letter writers notwithstanding, it would appear that a bad "independent" idea has been defeated in the marketplace of ideas, in the face of compelling evidence that the Earth is in fact not flat.

Remember that definition? "having a false look of truth..."

The shape of the earth is an actual provable fact. And it's hard to see how the shape of the earth would ever morph itself into a political issue.

The prosecution of a war against Islamocommienazis (I am tired of the term "Islamofascist") who want to kill you is open for dabate and discussion as to policy and tactics; or even if it ought to be done at all. But the fact that of - what? 10% - of all of the population of a single state voting in a PARTY PRIMARY, half of whom go with the deluded Kos Kiddies, does not an immutable fact of nature make.

And your specious thesis will be -

hang on one second...

Specious thesis.

That's kind of fun to say. Do it with me:

Specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis specious thesis

Where was I? Oh - your specious thesis (heh) will be vaporized in any event come November when Lieberman wins as an independent, as appears likely now.

If that happens, will that mean that the whole supine national defense thing you folks are pulling for will become the the "flat earth" of your analogy? Will that mean that the earth will then be in the shape of a cube? In your world?

Sen. Joe Lieberman and his fellow "flat-earthers" (on both sides of the aisle) are faced with the inconvenient truth

Whoa! You're getting your talking points mixed up. "Inconvenient truth" relates to global warming. "Illegal, unjust, ill-conceived and treasonous" relates to the War Against Islamocommienazis. Please consult your Democrat Letter Writing Stylebook, pg. 37, paragraph 2(a).

that the invasion of Iraq following an attack on us by Afghanistan based Al-Qaida was a foreign policy blunder of monumental proportions,

In your opinion. This is what got you into trouble in the first place: mixing up fact with opinion and policy.

Why do liberals hate round earths?

that is costing us $200 million a day and has resulted in the death of 2601 U S. troops.

Speaking of "eating their own," I notice a thundering silence from the right-wing letter writers on the prospective fate of Sen. Lincoln Chafee (Rhode Island) or the recent defeat of Rep. Joe Schwarz (Michigan) in their respective primaries.

I dunno. Maybe because we don't have a Kos-like messiah telling us sheep what to think or do all the time.

And maybe you haven't noticed, but writing letters to the editor is so 2003.

SPECIOUS SPECIES, BLOOMINGTON

Monday, August 14, 2006

Open Thread for Sisyphus to Brood, Bitch About the Hobbies of Others, Propose Solutions to Various Crises and Hate on Whitey

Sisyphus only, please.

Light Thunderjournaling

...until I solve all the world's problems, pursuant to Syl's rebuke.

Let's Get Syl-ly

Syl Jones' latest bitterness puts me in the uncomfortable position of having to defend the fluffily trite fad of celebrity fantasy leagues:

At first glance it seems innocent enough. A group of 30-something women -- originally a book club -- abandons its discussion of literature to pursue a fantasy celebrity league that competes over the number of times their Hollywood stars' faces show up in the gossip rag US Weekly. The participants in this remarkable rite of passage are prominently depicted in this newspaper, ("Star Trackers," July 31) no doubt spawning dozens of similar leagues by breathless, bored women looking for yet another addiction.

Um, or maybe it's just a fun pastime...

For them, I mean. Personally I can't stand all those crappy magazines shouting from the newsstand about how they have the latest poop on Bennifer, or whatever. But then I also find Bridge, tennis, knitting, cabinetmaking, listening to Bruce Springsteen, soccer, hearing about other people's children, Backgammon, photography, amateur cartography, flash mobbing, state fairs, zombie dancing, dada art, and snooker irredeemably boring. But, to each his own...

To be fair, fantasy sports leagues -- equally vapid enterprises -- have been in vogue now for years, giving alpha males yet another outlet for their carnivorous passions.

OPG INTERRUPTS: (shrieking) WHAT???!!! WHAT???!!!! FANTASY FOOTBALL IS "VAPID"???!!! Take it back now, scum! Take it back RIGHT FRIGGING NOW!!!!! I HOPE YOU -

(LearnedFoot shoots OPG with a tranquilizer dart.)

I'll take this one, OPG.

Perhaps Syl would like to share with us his non-"vapid" hobbies, larks, or recreational pursuits. What does Syl do for fun? Does Syl ever have fun?

If you are familiar with Syl's work, you already know the answers to those questions: 1) Constantly thinking about how whitey sucks; and 2) no.

But if you substitute "celebrity fantasy" for "psychedelic drugs," you've got a pretty good idea of what your friends and neighbors are up to in their free time. Both drugs and fantasy leagues are addictive and insidious pastimes and, in any other era of American history, we'd call the fantasy/celebrity obsession what it is: decadent. But few dare use such words because they tend to place the speaker on the proverbial "high horse," presumably to be knocked off by a jeering public.

OK, so if games like these - and really that's all they are: games - are decadent, then so is everything else that an individual might do outside of supporting one's family and constantly thinking about race relations.

Jeer if you want, but I am ashamed to inhabit the same city as these women and their ilk --

Syl, I'm sure the feeling's more than -

Sorry. I won't write that. Way too easy.

the simple-minded rabble who breathlessly await photos of Tom and Katie's baby as if the child were the Messiah. That goes double for those who squander their precious time and resources playing celebrity games while Western civilization crumbles from within.

And there you have it. nobody should do anything they find remotely amusing until they have spent a sufficient amount of time brooding over all the problems plaguing the human condition.

Let's take Syl's advice. I find blogging Thunderjournaling to be a stimulating pastime. However, since there is racism in America, I shall stop blogging thunderjournaling until I solve it.

And you should too.

Hey! You over there! Stop having fun!

Now!

KAR FAQ

Q: If I started swearing like f*cking this (or g*dd*mn that), do you think that Craig Westover, SCSU Scholars, Mitch, Nihilist in Golf Pants, Residual Forces, Koolaid Report, and the M.A.W.B. Squad would start linking to me? -- da wege.

A: No you silly goose. We'll start linking to you when you stop (or at least scale back) all your hysterical cross-eyed quasi-Communist ravings, the delusional conspiracy theories, and that tried and true practice of reflexively labeling those with whom you disagree as bigots or hatemongers (o/k/a intellectal laziness or inaptitude).

Fortunately for us, your cohort provides a stunningly clear example of the later in the thread to your question:

Our local right wing bloggers - like a frightening number of people in the world - hate who they're told to hate.

Yeah. That's accurate. But hey, if y'all want to play the 6 Degrees of Separation from Hitler / Pol Pot / Ghengis Khan Imputation Game, I'm sure that it wouldn't take a very long perusal through your link lists (or - in the case of MNob - 17 link lists) to find some real goodies.

As for the unelided swearing thing, we here at KAR have always been totally down with that. And Mitch links to me all time.

UPDATE: Welcome Norwegianity reader! Not sure where he got that this was a "reafirmation" of our love for Swiftee rather than the "don't throw Molitov Cocktails when you live in a cardboard box" post that it was intended to be. I'll just chalk it up to willful ignorance; that usually proves to be the best explanation.

And you'd be well advised to show some love - or at least indifference to - Swiftee, otherwise you might one day find yourself getting bitchslappped in a lonely alley behind a bar.

Friday, August 11, 2006

How Many Local Lefty Bloggers Can LearnedFoot Impersonate in a Single Post?

By my count, all of them:

Is there anything that Kennedy vs. the 5-Speed Vibrating Vagina won't lie about?

They're even sullying Italian food:

Our favorite RINO [Sarah Janacek] was on a mission and beat me to the checkout line even though my shopping list called for nothing more than balsamic, basil and mozzarella fresca. She paid and hopped into her late model Range Rover.

Um, everybody knows that there is no FUCKING vinegar in Caprese (emphasis LearnedFoot's):

Just before serving, drizzle on some excellent extra-virgin olive oil. NOTE: Insalata Caprese should never be allowed to sit in oil for any length of time and become soggy, and no vinegar of any kind goes on Insalata Caprese!

Pwned!

LearnedFoot thinks that if Makeover Mark's surrogates can't even get a simple recipe like Insalata Caprese (it's always CAPITALIZED, by the way, since it means "salad from Capri"), how can we expect Makeover Mark to vote against his own party a sufficient amount of times as a Senator to make LearnedFoot happy?

Whatevs.

Stay tuned to Blog of the Moderate Norwiegian Centrist Yowling at the Cucking Power Liberal DFL Senate Publius for much more banal nonsense that nobody with a life gives a shit about.

How rediculous!

Go Sandra Go

I hope Sandra Bernhardt is true to her word. I also hope she’s strip searched, deep and hard, by Helga The Sadistic Hun and her barbed wired broom handle.

My day at Gatwick

I was there, standing in the queue with the rest of the restless, carrying my few items; passport, boarding pass, a few dollars and pounds, and a tube of Chap Stick in a clear plastic bag and hoping my flight would not be canceled. It wasn’t and I made it home a bit later than planned. Considering what could have happened I can deal with a 5 hour flight delay – even if the in-flight movies did suck.

Nailing the Islamofascist pigs that were planning to blow up US-bound American airliners is a testament to great intelligence work by collation of countries, including the US. It makes one proud of the men and women who every day to uncover and destroy terrorist cells. Their work is just as important at that of the military in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Then I come home and read this pile of rotting tripe in today’s Star & Sickle. The simpletons who populate the S&S editorial board hate W so much, they couldn’t pass up the opportunity, however specious, to take another shot at him:

Candidate George W. Bush loved to lampoon the Clinton administration's emphasis on law enforcement and the legal system as tools against terrorism. They were too wimpy for him; a good, strong military action against a terror-sponsoring state was more his kind of action. And so military action we got.

Despite what these cretins would like their mouth breathing followers to think, W has never eschewed the need for police work. On the contrary, his position has always been that a combination of police and military efforts are needed to find and destroy the Islamic pigs. It’s they who want a one-dimensional fight.

Meanwhile, patient, meticulous police work in Britain and elsewhere identified and monitored this plot by a smallish, nonstate group of criminal terrorists until the need to take them down became urgent.

British officials said Thursday that their long-term efforts against this group involved close cooperation with police services in numerous nations, including the United States. That is the way you take out most terrorists, not with bombs and missiles but with time-tested law-enforcement techniques.


Um, if one bomb can kill 100 terrorists and one investigation, taking several months can net 24, which is most effective?

Everyone, from frightened public to counterterrorism officials, they believed, would be better off and act more effectively if they understood this was a struggle that would go on perhaps for decades and would more often than not involve work far less romantic than sending forces off to battle.

Yes. Good. Correct. And that is why W said so in his address to the joint session shortly after 9/11. He told the world that the battle would be fought on many fronts, most of which would happen out of the glare of the cameras. Just because the NY Times isn’t leaking it, doesn’t’ mean it’s not happening.

Thank goodness for the excellent detective work of British security personnel and those around the globe who helped them. They showed how it should be done.

See that, no more military. If Iran backs an Al Qaeda attack, send in the cops. Forget the Marines.

There is not one iota of intelligence or wisdom to be found in the above.

The fools on the editorial board at the state’s biggest newspaper prefer that terrorists continue to be raised and trained across the world and sent to do Allah’s bidding while hoping the police are able to stop them before they kill hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent people.

Let’s compromise, shall we: How about rooting out the bastards living among us, while we bomb the shit out of the countries that raise them?

Moron Mail

Here's a tip: Instead of trying to synthesize all the myriad talking points e-mailed to you from the Glorious Revolution Democrat Party, try just paraphrasing one at a time. If you have trouble with that concept, feel free to visit one of the several leftyblogs in emanating from the Twin Cities area. Those folks have gotten quite good at dutifully paraphrasing and regurgitating (if that word makes you think of puke, it was entirely intentional) the propaganda and opposition research coming from the Glorious Party masters. It will seem more coherent.

"Coherent" obviously being a relative term.

Bush drops the ball

Leave it to the Brits to detect and foil what might have been the most catastrophic terror plot since 9/11.

Well seeing as the suspects were in Britain, and they were planning on hijacking flights departing from London, it was a little beyond the jurisdiction of the FBI and NYPD.

Oh, that's right: you want us to invade England!

Nuke 'em! NUKE THE LIMEY F**KERS!!!!!

[NOTE TO DHS: The preceding line, and post, were tongue in cheek.]

Those who have experienced airstrikes and war on home ground take more aggressive measures to protect their citizens. And, it is fitting that on the very day this horrific plot was foiled, President Bush chose to fly to Wisconsin for a Republican fundraiser.

Huh?

Oh, right: Bush should have been in the War Room planning our landing at the cliffs of Dover; kind of like D-Day 2: The Wrath of Bushitler.

The degree to which this administration has abrogated executive responsibility and softened its preparation and vigilance for terror is sobering. As for Congress, it remains "Congress" only in name.

That's right! I call upon Congress to fulfill its Constitutionally mandated duty, and declare war on the Limey scum!

It is enough that Vice President Dick Cheney has dictated administration "energy policy" behind closed doors. It is another when the lives of men, women and children have been subject to unthinkable suffering and murder because of sheer incompetence.

So what the hell was this letter about anyway? It's riddled with irrelevancies, non-sequiturs, cut-n-pasted context-lacking talking points, fact-free and unsupported assertions. I can only come to one conclusion:

NEIL ANDSUCK, MINNETONKA

wants us to get into an illegal and unjust war against England.

NUKE LONDON!

Let's drag up another old lefty trope and beat it to death again. Whilst reading the story I linked to below I was reminded of one when I read this bit (emphasis mine):

Most of the suspects are second or third generation British citizens of Pakistani descent whose families hailed from war-torn Kashmir. U.S. officials believe the 29 members were divided into multiple cells and planned to break into small groups to board the nine planes.

That line about the citizenship of the suspected bombers brought to mind this smug old lefty trope used to criticize the decision to invade Iraq (an example of which you can find here; NOTE: I have inserted the expletive "meh" to indicate smugness):

Meh! Most of the 9/11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia! If this is a war on "terrorism" why didn't we invade Saudi Arabia? Meh! Meh! Mehhhhhh!

Since moonbats are smarter than you or me (just ask one - they'll tell you. Or better yet, don't ask them; they'll still tell you), and because this must obviously be an example of the type of "nuanced thinking" that they say is so desirable in a leader, I think we need to employ this philosophy to the latest front in the GWOT just discovered across the pond.

We should begin bombing England immediately.

Bill? Bill? Come in, Bill?

Bill - remember when we talked last week about how you were going to put up a new banner this week?

That was great.

Just sayin'...

Is There a BCLU?

Emphasis mine:

Britain's MI-5 intelligence service and Scotland Yard had been tracking the plot for several months, but only in the past two weeks had the plotters' planning begun to crystallize, senior U.S. officials tell TIME. In the two or three days before the arrests, the cell was going operational, and authorities were pressed into action. MI5 and Scotland Yard agents tracked the plotters from the ground, while a knowledgeable American official says U.S. intelligence provided London authorities with intercepts of the group's communications. Most of the suspects are second or third generation British citizens of Pakistani descent whose families hailed from war-torn Kashmir. U.S. officials believe the 29 members were divided into multiple cells and planned to break into small groups to board the nine planes. (Source)

Gee, I hope they had a warrant...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Tutte Sommes "Moderates"

Oh gag.

Says here that the Strib thinks that Joe Lieberman's performance in the primary was not becuse of the sneering single-chromosome left, but from "moderate anger".

They're kidding, right?

No, they're not kidding. They're still humming along on that same single shared brain cell.

Oh sure, they back up their assertion with facts a poll:

The poll found that 81 percent of Democrats say the Iraq war was not worth fighting, and 70 percent said they feel that way "strongly." Furthermore, it found that Americans' support for their own incumbent congressional representative is at its lowest point in 12 years.

And then, faced with two plausible interpretations of said poll, the Strib goes with the self serving one:

It seems likely that the war in Iraq, while central, also was a proxy for all kinds of issues that moderate Democrats think are being handled the wrong way. As Hartford Courant columnist Bill Curry put it Tuesday, "The race is certainly a referendum on Bush foreign policy. But at another level, I think it's also a referendum on a kind of centrism within the Democratic Party .... Many Democrats feel ... that their own party's centrism has become not just ineffectual, but unconscionable."

Fine. That's one way of looking at it. Here's my gloss:

THIS POLL SHOWS THAT THE TERM "MODERATE DEMOCRAT" HAS BECOME AN OXYMORON.

The Strib just assumes (right along with Curry) that because of the lopsided majority of Democrats polled, that certainly some of them must be "moderates".

I'm sure they would define themselves that way. But then, I'm a moderate too.

We all are, unless we're defined by our political opposites. Something that even some of our resident Centrists are quick to do.

SIDE NOTE: I appologize in advance if that last graf is taken as a blind-sided swipe at our Resident Centrist who is unable to defend himself at the moment since he's attending the Amy Klobuchar (Minnesota's DFL Senate candidate with no legislative record, who Flash endorsed within nanoseconds of her announcement of her intention to run for the Senate five months before the DFL endorsement convention) rally featuring John "I'll Make Chris Reeve Walk" Edwards.

Michael moore Can Teach Us a Lot About How He's a Gelatinous Blob of Worthless Blubber

There is no terrorist threat. --Michael Moore

(Source)

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Left-Wing Nut Jobs Warming to Bush

Remember when the denizens of the Mindless Rage Based Community were always comparing Bush to Hitler.

While it seems Dubya has gone up in their estimation, because now some on the moonbat left, are merely comparing him to Nixon.

Nixon was better than Hitler, right?

No No No - GOOD GOD NO!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


UPDATE: *pant* *pant* *pant*


YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


UPDATE 2: *hork* *hork*

...

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFF


UPDATE 3: BAAAAAAAARRRRRRFFFF BWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRF


UPDATE 4: BLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHAARRRRFFF


UPDATE 5: *heave* *heave* whew.


UPDATE 6: Oh shit...

BWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


UPDATE 7: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

And What Losing Democrat Campaign Would Be Complete Without...

...insisting that there were "irregularities."

Seriously: have these people ever lost an election in their own minds?

Megamoron Mail

It's a good thing Dementee left the continent. Because if he were here, he would have read this letter (The Letter o' the Day, no less), popped a vessel, and then would have eaten one Bob "Che Guevarra is My Homie" Adams.

It almost defies fisking:

It's unfortunate that so many of this country's Cuban exiles are more interested in pursuing their political vendettas that they are in seeing a bright future for the Cuban people ("Cubans in Minnesota want a peaceful transition," Aug. 2).

"Exiles"? Try refugees.

"Bright future"?

That line becomes very very funny once you realize what this jellohead regards as "bright".

A significant portion of Miami's Cuban exile community consists of individuals whose families were displaced by the Cuban revolution. These families, along with prerevolution dictator Fulgencio Batista, were part of the Cuban elite.

And a significanter portion of that community consists of folks who were so taken by the quality of life afforded by the Glorious Revolution, that they floated accross 90 miles of open ocean in inner tubes.

This small fraction of the Cuban population owned virtually all of the island's land and possessed most of its wealth, while the majority of Cuban citizens lived in squalor.

And now they still live in squalor with shiny new rice cookers.

Then the revolution came, bringing with it such things as land reform and educational opportunity. Today, Cubans are entitled to a free postsecondary education.

With such an educated populace, you'd think that one of them would have figured out how to build a new car, so that they could all stop driving their '57 Studabakers.

Cuba has the highest literacy rate and the lowest infant mortality rate in Latin America.

Unfortunately, it also has the highest dissident mortality rate in Latin America.

It also provides its citizens with a level of medical care that would be the envy of many in this country.

!!!!!!!

CHUCK: How's work Bob? You like your new company?

BOB: It's alright. But you know, Chuck - I really envy your health plan.

My hope for the Cuban people is that they alone decide the course of their nation after Castro.

No. I'm sure Castro has already done that for them. But I suppose that's cool with you.

Dimwit.

My fear is that the U.S. government and corporate America will take it upon themselves to fill the gap

Corporate America? Where's that? Is it near Jesusland?

leaving this beautiful island and its dignified inhabitants as a puppet state ripe for political and economic exploitation.

Sorry to read between the lines, but I can't help but infer from your letter that you had absolutely no problem with Cuba when it was a "puppet state" for the Soviet Union.

Irony can be so ironic sometimes.

ROBERT "CHE" ADAMS, COON RAPIDS

Get out of my country you twit.

Why Do the Jews Hate Toys?

The Israeli Defense Forces have brazenly expanded their offensive in Lebanon, and are now targeting dolls.

Heh.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Moron Mail

For some reason, the Strib has seen the need to import moronic letters from other states. I guess there's been a drop in output from the Democrat Letter Writing Mill; probably because they've been put to work hacking the web sites of undesirables.

Gas is $3 a gallon. Congress argues gay marriage.

They did? When?

And the only way Congress can affect gas prices has been repeatedly blocked by your side.

So shut the hell up about gas prices.

The border between Israel and Lebanon is in flames. Congress debates abortion legislation.

...When they should have been busy passing a law making it a federal crime for Israel and Hezbollah to shoot missiles at each other. Brilliant!

Our environment is in shambles -- with the ice caps melting and record heat waves and wild fires rocking the Midwest.

*sigh*

The House and Senate debate dirty lyrics in pop music.

Huh?

Shouldn't members of the Senate and House, as well as our statehouses, unite to bring peace, ethanol and campaign finance reform to the front of the "to-do" list?

I - uh -

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

"Peace, ethanol and campaign finance reform"??????

!!!!!!

That's a great party slogan. Run with that.

Please.

"Amy Klobuchar for Senate: Peace, ethanol and campaign finance reform!"

Corruption and greed are the real "moral issues" that threaten America most.

Yes - your corrupt greed for more of my money.

By fanning the fire of issues that divide our nation, these lawmakers simply help demonstrate that public officials are out of touch with real Americans.

di·vi·sive, adj.: Any issue on which Republicans have a policy position.
example: Partial birth abortion, tax cuts and the War on Terror are divisive issues to be eschewed; if only we could unite ourselves around the common values of signing the Kyoto Protocol, taxpayer subsidized abortion on demand, and six-figure salaries for rookie teachers!

Please, let us all try to work together, and remind these so-called "representatives" that they work for us -- and that it is time to get to work!

DICK STANK, YANKTON, S.D.

Go pollute your own freakin' newspaper. We're all stocked up on psychotic moonbat ravings here.