Friday, September 29, 2006

Now Taking Nominations for MOB Soil Commissioner

Sisyphus is in.

Place your nominations in the comment thread.

UPDATE: Chad the Elder has nominated himself (see comment to this post)! This will be an epic campaign.

UPDATE 2: The race is set: Sisyphus vs. Elder. All the other nominations were too late, and that comment in which Elder purported to withdraw was obviously a fake. Let's get it on!

Meet the Candidates.

UPDATED!!!!! TWICE!!! THRICE!!! QUAD..uh.. FOUR!!!

Below is the slate of the candidates for MOB mayor that have thus far been nominated. The period to declare one's candidacy or nominate the unwilling ends today at 4pm. I have not yet received word from the incumbent on his intentions for running for reelection. Any new nominations will be updated to this post.

As an added bonus, I have taken the liberty of handicapping the candidates in case anyone would like to place bets on the mayoral race.

Joe Tucci. Joe Tucci is a rookie MOBster who blogs occasionally at Residjewal Froces. And while his blogging chops and faux political skills are both questionable, he is good at intimidating people into bending to his will. Always a threat in every sense of the word.

UPSIDE: He's got the Italian-American vote in his pocket.

DOWNSIDE: There are like 4 Italian-Americans in the entire state of Minnesota. Also, He's a Peter Cetera fan.

ODDS: 4 to 1

***

Andy Aplikowski. The primary blogger at the aforementioned Resijawall Fcroes and contributor to KvM, Andy is a veteran political hack who has quite a bit of game when it comes to campaigning. Andy was also voted the MOBs Most Eligible Bachelor in the only legitimate poll regarding that title.

UPSIDE: Knows how to get his message out to the masses.

DOWNSIDE: Nobody can read his messages once they receive them.

ODDS: 3 to 1

***

Tom "Swiftee" Swift. Swift appears to be the early favorite, having been nominated by four different people (including himself). Strong grassroots support probably stems from his refusal to suffer fools gladly in a state where the local left-wing blogosphere is stacked with them (as we have seen lately). Supporters see him as a breath of fresh air after nearly a year of Bogus Doug's supine, passive, do-nothing policies on leftybloggers who step out of line.

UPSIDE: Very strong on the war against douchebag leftybloggers.

DOWNSIDE: May spontaneously combust before election.

ODDS: EVEN

***

Bobo the Foul-Mouthed Chimp. I nominated Bobo because I believe the MOB is ready for its first potty-mouthed ambiguously gay monkey mayor. If nothing else, the mayoral proclamations will be a hoot.

UPSIDE: He's a freakin' monkey, man!

DOWNSIDE: Sometime's his speech is garbled and hard to understand.

ODDS: 2 to 1

***

Leo "Psycmeister" Pusateri. Self-nominated, Leo doesn't really stand a chance in hell of winning this thing. However, if Tucci and Aplikowski split the Residyool Froces vote, Bobo and Swiftee split the People Who Like Swear Words vote, and Bobo, Tucci and Swiftee split the Guys with Hairy Backs vote, Pusatelli has an outside chance, provided he doesn't split the votes of this state's 4 Italian-Americans with Tucci.

UPSIDE: As a shrink and school counselor, Pusatelli has a lock on the Sensitive New Age Guys and Soccer Moms bloc.

DOWNSIDE: None of those people read KAR.

ODDS: 65,591 to 1.

***

Debates will begin next week, probably in the form of a semi-open thread. Until then, candidates may feel free to start attacking each other here or on their own blogs.

UPDATE: Mitch writes in to nominate Cathy (in the Wright). Unfortunately, I cannot accept this nomination since Cathy, and all her fellow members of the MAWB Squad, are disqualified from assuming the office of Mayor in perpetuity because of their brazen attempt to hijack the last mayoral election.

So in her stead, Mitch Berg will be placed on the ballot.


UPDATE 2: The Assman throws his thong into the ring:

Ryan Rhodes. This guy could be the dark horse. Hailing from the outstate hamlet of Rochester, few MOB electors have actually met him. This can only help his chances.

UPSIDE: He talks about his ass a lot.

DOWNSIDE: He talks about what comes out of his ass a lot.

BACKSIDE: (Here.)

ODDS: 5 to 1


UPDATE 3: What this campaign needs is more non-ass-related mirth: I nominate Sisyphus.

UPDATE 4: Sadly, the campaign has already gone negative.

“Unhinged”: Jimmy Carter’s Autobiography

He’s gone stark raving mad. Nearly 31 years after being dispatched by the American voter and left to wallow in the legacy of a completely failed presidency, Jimmy Carter has become completely unhinged.

The winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, he says he's deeply embarrassed that the American government now stands convicted around the world as one of the greatest abusers of civil rights. He continued the theme in a dinner speech to 700 at a Democratic fundraiser tonight, saying every past president has been a supporter of human rights, until this one.

Carter certainly knows something about human rights abuses. Some of his best buddies – Castro, Chavez, etc. – have been abusing them for years.

The only anti-American former president in our history has clearly become delusional.

Someone please toss this geezer on a cart and drop him at the old farts’ home?

They have no self control

Like the petulant little brat who curses at you under his breath as he walks away from another scolding, the PHPs at the Star & Sickle are bereft of all self-control.

They are petulant big brats who can’t get through an editorial without giving the GOP a shot in the ribs.

The editorial talks about the spirit of cooperation that helped land the convention: Minneapolis and St. Paul (both governed by unapologetic Socialists) coming together with a Republican governor and senator.

It goes on to say that voters will not likely change their votes because of the convention, but having it will certainly help the local economy and, if it is well run, will set up the Twin Cities for future events.

Nice stuff, really. Makes you feel all warm like hot butterscotch running down your front.

Then, like an impulsive toddler, they open wide and bite:

Rather than turning the Midwest "redder," we'd like to see the Republican Party, perhaps by osmosis, take on our shade of Minnesota purple. The party has lurched far to the right in recent years. Maybe a visit to the Twin Cities can inspire moderation and a regaining of equilibrium.

Moderate this, assholes. The PHPs have no desire for moderation, unless you define Socialist ideology as moderate.

If they were children the PHPs would all deserve a bare-assed spanking with a wooden spoon for this one. Can any of you imagine them saying the same about the Democrats, “They’ve lurched far to the left in recent years”?

Howard Dean (evidence of the far left lurch) has a better chance of becoming president.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

How to conduct a lousy campaign

Mark Kennedy is likely to get his ass kicked in November and he has no one to blame but himself.

He is the most inarticulate politician to come down the pike in some time. He’s a lousy campaigner who’s surrounded himself with a lousy campaign staff.

One need only read this nonsense to see why he will be unemployed come January. For months the Kennedy campaign has been taking shots at Klobuchar’s history as a lobbyist who now wants to remove the special interests from the political process.

But in an effort to keep alive the now-dead story of one of their TV adds being lifted from an agency web site, Kennedy’s people are claiming the contents are being used to poll people about Klobuchar’s past.

Here is the “smoking gun”:

The unfinished ad, screened for Capitol reporters by Shortridge on Tuesday, used cartoon frames to assail Klobuchar for having been a registered lobbyist before she became Hennepin County attorney.

A letter to Kennedy from former GOP Gov. Al Quie, dated Tuesday, said Quie had been called Sept. 19 by a pollster asking whether knowledge of Klobuchar's lobbyist past made a difference in how he would cast his vote.

Kennedy’s campaign manager, Pat Shortridge is an idiot to think this one will stick. They’ve been beating up Klobuchar for weeks – if not months – over her former profession and trying to connect the “theft” of the commercial to the new polling is ridiculous.

Klobuchar campaign manager Ben Goldfarb called the allegation, “"an absurd, baseless attack from a desperate campaign."

He’s right.

Kennedy is sunk and Minnesota’s US Senators will continue to cancel each other’s votes.
I wonder if Department 56 will take him back.

Administrative BS

Some changes are coming down the pike for KAR. As we speak, the Notorious BIL is hunkered down in the Top Secret KAR Development Bunker planning super-groovy upgrades to this site. And not a moment to soon, as a recent surge in the number of header quotes (2 new ones in the last week!) is beginning to make this thunderjournal a little top-heavy. Stay tuned.

If you've looked at your calendar like I just did, you will have realized that it's election season. No not that election, the important one:

The MOB Mayoral election!

Yes, Bogus Doug's term is almost up. The Bogus One has made no announcement about whether or not he will seek reelection. In fact, he hasn't made an announcement about anything lately.

I will be accepting your nominations for mayoral candidates through tomorrow afternoon. If you're the narcisistic type, you may even nominate yourself. If I receive no nominations, I will make them. After a brief campaign period (or, as I like to call it, a "Smack and Slander Festival"), I will hold the election.

Remember: the MAWB Squad could comeback at any time. The future of a vibrant MOB democracy (MOBocracy?) rests in your hands.

Screeeeeeeech!

Attention Nihilist in Golf Pants, Sisyphus, et al.:

This may be the greatest thing to ever happen to your blog.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Curses! Foiled Again!

While we wait for the Shrieking Midget Children DFL Hacks to bag the fake righteous indignation and answer the pertinent question concerning their supposed triumph over the evil forces of MDE (that question being, "So f-ing what?"), lets move to another topic.

The GOP national convention is coming here:

Republicans have chosen the Twin Cities of Minneapolis-St. Paul _ in the politically pivotal Midwest _ for the 2008 presidential convention, GOP officials said Wednesday.

The selection was expected to be announced later in the day, said the Republican officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity. The convention is slated for Sept. 1-4.

Losing out were New York City, Cleveland and a joint bid from Tampa and St. Petersburg, Fla., other cities that had sought the convention.

Damn. This means that the likelihood that the Dems will pick the Twin Cities for their National Sneering Outrage Festival is nil. I was planning on having a lot of fun had that happened; playing a game of my own invention called "Screw With the Delegates":

[Scene: The Liffey, downtown St. Paul. LearnedFoot spies a midlevel national Democrat (MND)slated to give a floor speech the following day sitting at the bar. He grabs a stool next to him.]

LF: Howdy pardner.

MND: Hello there, inferior local plebe. What's your name?

LF: I'm Flemming Q. Blarbowitz. Pleased to meet'cha. I would shake your hand, but unfortunately, it got blown off in Iraq.

[Displays perfectly intact, functioning hand for MND to see. MND doesn't notice.]

MND: [Shaking head] What a damn damn shame. Army?

LF: No. Vacation. But anyway I'm sick and tired of this Chimpee McBushitler and his neocon masters pulling his strings with PaulWolfowitzandsmearmerchantKarlRove-crushingourcivillibertiesandgettingusintothisneverendingillegalimmoralandbloody-warBushliedandpeopledied.

MND: [Nodding solemnly] True dat. True dat.

LF: Oh c'mon. Nobody here says "true dat" anymore. If you want to connect with the locals here in Minnesota, you've got to learn the vernacular.

MND: Please enlighten me.

LF: Well for one thing, people here don't wave to each other. When Minnesotan's give a nonverbal greeting, they use the heavy metal devil horns hand gesture. [Does the devil horns hand gesture using the hand that was blown off in Iraq.]

MND: [Mimics devil horn hand signal.] Great! I'm learning stuff. Tell me more.

LF: Well, instead of "hello" we say "Iron Maiden Rules, bitch!"

MND: Wow, really? I never knew...

LF: Yeah. And instead of "goodbye," "farewell," or whatever your preferred parting word is, we say "Don't forget to poop!"

MND: This is great. Got any other advice?

[For the next hour, LearnedFoot runs all kinds of bullshit into MND. The "advice" gets more and more outlandish the drunker LearnedFoot gets.]

LF: Well, it's time for me to leave. Good luck with your speech at the convention tomorrow.

MND: I appreciate that.

MND: Oh, and [gives LF a knowing glance] don't forget to poop!

LF: You're learning. That's great! You don't forget to poop either!

The next day, MND delivers his nationally televised convention speech...

MND: Delegates, guests, members of the press, and my fellow Americans:

Iron Maiden rules bitches!...

Carnival of the Chowderhead Juvenile Hacks #4 - A Concerted Effort?

On Friday Mike Brodkorb wrote that another one of the DFL Shrieking Child Hack Bloggers had called the Kennedy campaign to inquire about their website's security. Naturally, the idiot in question characterized it as a vicious smear attack tactic.

TANGENTIAL QUESTION: If Brodkorb wrote "puppies are cute, except when they poop on your shoe" would that be a vicious smear as well.

TANGENTIAL ANSWER: If you're a diseased left-wing hack who regards politics not so much as a civic duty than as a religion, then yes.

A commenter to that post - again on Friday, September 22 - wrote (KAT Joe Tucci):

Tread lightly, mister. If you want to dance, we’ll dance, but if you’re seriously trying to say Patrick is being “unethical” by pursuing a story…well, you’re going to be opening yourself up to a world of hurt.

After all, wasn’t it you, just the other day, who told us “nimrods” that the problem with Klobuchar was “hypocricy?”

Andrea Dworkin

(A pseudonym has been used to protect the creepy.)

At the time, this comment made me think that this commenter, Andrea Dworkin, knew about some dirt on Brodkorb. Four days later, the twits at MNPooplius - not the same blog that Dworkin writes for - "broke" their "story". Dworkin's seemingly innocuous comment hilariously laced with bravado, appears now to be prophetic. And if you have any experience with Dworkin's blogging, you know that "prophetic" would be one of the words you would never use to describe it.

And didn't it seem that the usual suspects in the Left-Wing Shrieking Midget Hack-o-Sphere seemed to add their two cents rather quickly?

Funny how that worked out.

Although, I have to say that the "revelation" that Brodkorb did a project for the Bachmann campaign isn't likely to put him into a "world of hurt". More like a "world of slight itchiness from not wiping your butt well enough."

Carnival of the Shrieking Children #3 - Let's Talk About Cred, Shall We?

The lifeform behind Minnesota Democrats Exposed wannabe site "Minnesota Republican Watch" starts throwing around rhetoric and loaded terms of which he obviously doesn't know the meaning:

Minnesota Democrats Exposed was founded on conflict of interest and non-disclosure. Considering that history, it's not surprising to see that new questions are now surfacing regarding those very same issues.

Now my experience with the term "conflict of interest" comes from the legal, high-falootin' usage of that term. Be that as it may, unless words don't mean things any more, it's safe to assume that the DFL bobo (unpaid, I'm sure - does it matter?) quoted above is asserting that there is a conflict inherent in a relationship involving Brodkorb.

Between whom, exactly? Let's examine the interests:

Mark Kennedy Campaign = get Republican Mark Kennedy elected.

Republican Activist Michael Brodkorb = Get Republicans (like Mark Kennedy) elected.

I see no conflict there. Let's try another:

Michele Bachmann Campaign = Get Michele Bachmann Elected

Republican Activist Mike Brodkorb = Get Republicans (like Michele Bachmann) elected.

Nothing there either.

Hmm...

Could he/she/it be talking about the conflict between known Republican Activist Mike Brodkorb and his readers - presumably a bunch of brain-dead ignoramuses that somehow believe that a site called "Minnesota Democrats Exposed" will provide them with detatched, balanced coverage of current events?

So either the hundreds of folks who read MDE are a bunch of flaming morons or the tool at MRW is.

I know who my money's on.

/Sarcasm

This is comical.

Article from the Minnesota Mothership Monitor:

The battle over bloggers being paid for their services has been joined by the big fish in the pond. First read this article by Robin Marty at Minnesota Monitor/Power Liberal. Then read this response by the article's target. Notice a difference? That's right, kids - most of the charges actually leveled (and covered by empirical evidence) are not touched by Mr. Brodkorb in his response; namely, the increase in his posting on the Senate race after commencement of his employment by Mark Kennedy for Senate.

For those who don't know, the Minnesota Monitor is a "project" of the "New Journalist Program" featuring a "coalition of long-time progressive bloggers, freelance writers, and professional journalists" (meaning they're an arm of the DFL in philosophy if not in actuality) who are...

paid to "blog".

Note the absense of scare quotes around "paid."

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Glorious Heroic Leftybloggers Protect the Stupider Citizens of the World from Dishonest Charlatan Attack Bloggers!!!

Our counterparts in the left wing of the local blogosphere have done us all a great service. Let us applaud them now.

[*clap*]

For you see, up until yesterday, when I read "Minnesota Democrats Exposed," I thought I was getting a fair and balanced accounting of the news of the day in Minnesota politics. And while there always was a twinge of suspicion in the back of my mind caused by the fact that I only read about misdeeds from the DFL and not the Republican party on "Minnesota Democrats Exposed," I just figured that Republicans simply weren't doing anything wrong.

Because if "Minnesota Democrats Exposed" wasn't telling the whole story, who would?

Oh sure, I knew that Michael Brodkorb, the so-called "Minnesota Democrat Exposer," works at a PR firm that has primarily Republican clients, had done opposition research for the Republican party, and is a paid part-time consultant to (Republican) Mark Kennedy's Senate campaign. But with a blog name like "Minnesota Democrats Exposed" how could he do anything other than provide the whole unvarnished dirt, regardless of which political party the dirt covered?

But then, my world was shattered yesterday when some enterprising young chaps (with absolutely no prompting or outside help from any particular political organization, I'm sure) discovered that the "Minnesota Democrat Exposer," paid consultant to the Mark Kennedy campaign, actually took a one-time consulting fee from Michele Bachmann's campaign!

How could the proprietor of "Minnesota Democrats Exposed" be so blatantly partisan (I mean other than his work with the Kennedy campaign and his past work for the MN Republican party)? Obviously I can't now expect "Minnesota Democrats Exposed" to be independant, fair and balanced. All this time "Minnesota Democrats Exposed" was only dishing dirt on Minnesota Democrats, while ignoring all those skeletons in the Republican closet! And now we know why: he was on Michele Bachmann's payroll.

I guess I'm going to have to find another more independant, objective and fair blog from which I can glean the latest Minnesota campaign poop from a fair and unbiased source.

Hmm. This one called "Centrisity" sounds like just the fair, non-partisan, independant, right down the middle type of blog that would never ever result to partisan hackery. There's no way a sobriquet like "Centrisity" could whitewash any partisan leanings the way the name "Minnesota Democrats Exposed" did!

UPDATE: Strike that last graf. Same shit. Different blog. Except that he's not paid by a campaign (as far as we know). And here I was led to believe he was a "Centrist;" not a DFL bobo.

Four Words

They're fucking kidding, right?

54 More Words:

I'm going to have more about this. If I were of greater thunderjournalistic stature, it would relegate this petty childish personal hack-job blogging to the 20-hit per day ghetto. But since I'm merely a purveyer of finer poop-oriented humor, I'll have to settle for a little cathartic skull cracking.

Tomorrow.

Gratuitous Antitrust Post: It All Depends on What Your Definition of "Market" Is

NOTE: Given that the author is a legal professional, he is required to occasionally post on matters of law in the public interest to keep his blogging license. So as not to turn off regular KAR readers who read this thunderjournal for it's less gravitas-intensive qualities, the author has agreed to insert one or more of KAR's quality running gags that the 30 or so regulars have come to expect from this great blog. Thank you for your patience.

Good news for you if you hate globalization and corporate greed:

Starbucks is gettin' sued!

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The owner of a small coffee company sued Starbucks Corp. (SBUX.O: Quote, Profile, Research) on Monday, claiming the coffee shop's anti-competitive business practices put her store out of business.

The suit, which seeks class action status, was filed in Seattle federal court by Penny Stafford, the owner of Belvi Coffee and Tea Exchange Inc.

According to court papers, Starbucks violated federal antitrust laws by leasing prime commercial real estate at above-market prices in return for the exclusive right to sell espresso drinks or specialty coffee in those locations.

Poop poopy poop poop.

As your Friendly Sherman Act Ambassador of Goodwill, I am obliged to comment on this. This is a monopolization case. That is, the plaintiff here needs to prove two things to win: 1) Starbucks has a monopoly in her market; and 2) Starbucks is doing things to squeeze out competitors in that market by means other than competition on the merits (i.e. price and quality).

Now I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Whoa there little pardner! I'm sipping a quality half-caf chai latte slim frappapoopaccino from Caribou Coffee as I read this. You have to be some kind of rediculous looser to believe that Starbucks has a monopoly!"

To which I say: hold on one minute there, Mr. Poopy Pants. You can have a monopoly without being the only game in town. The chief indicator of a monopoly is not whether or not everybody in your town is toting a white cup with an ugly green logo and some stupid bromide on it. What makes a monopoly is whether or not a given firm can reduce output (and thus increase price) in a given geographic area profitably. That's it. For you econ types, here's a familiar chart:



If one surveys the various cases passing on the question of whether or not a given firm has a monopoly (NOT recommended!), you'll find that the market share necessary to reduce output profitably is around 70% and above (although that number is probative, it is not dispositive, as will be explained shortly). So let's go to the numbers:

Starbucks is the world's largest coffee shop chain, with more than 12,000 locations in 37 countries. The lawsuit alleges the chain "possesses monopoly power" because it has "at least" a 73 percent market share of the U.S. coffee shop industry.

Starbucks has said it has a less than 8 percent market share of all coffee consumed in the United States.

Poop.

Well, that doesn't really clear it up now does it? Sounds like we have the proverbial "genuine issue of material fact." I mean really that's a spread as disparate as one normally seen between the Strib's Minnesota Poll and reality. So who's right?

Well, it depends on how you define the market. Starbucks would naturally apply a super-broad market definition to get that 8% figure, while a plaintiff salivating at the thought of treble damages would plane away as much as she could to get that figure above the magic 70% threshold.

DEMENTEE INTERRUPT: SAY, FOOT, HOW ABOUT YOU GIVE PEOPLE AN ILLUSTRATIVE EXAMPLE?????!!!!!!

No problemo. Let's put geography aside because it is always case specific and would require us to assume things which we do not know. The calculus that goes into defining a product market can be even more difficult. There are a lot of moving parts. Look at the following list of beverages:

1) Everclear 90 Proof Grain Alcohol
2) Jack Daniels
3) Kendal Jackson Red Zinfandel
4) Night Train
5) Guinness
6) Grain Belt
7) Coke
8) 7-up
9) Tropicana Pure Premium OJ
10) Hi-C Juice-like Beverage Product
11) Kool aid
12) Evian
13) Gatorade
14) Tap water
15) Brackish water

Which if any of those things would be in the same product market? Do you define one market, in numbers 1 to 6, as an alcoholic beverages market? Or is that insufficient? Do each represent their own markets - Suicide liquor, mid-grade whiskey, wine of the Zinfandel varietal, wine of the wino varietal, import beer, shit-tacular beer?

How specific does one get? If you have a geographic market that is inhabited by very very desperately thirsty people, couldn't you make the case that all these liquids are in the same market?

You could also make the case that Everclear has a monopoly on the hyper-flammable-unfit-for-human-consumption vodka market. But if it's merely distilled spirits you're looking at, it's not even close. Could Everclear reduce its output profitably? Is it already at a monopoly price?

And how would you go about proving any of that in court?

QUICK DIGRESSION: Bobo has some thoughts on Everclear.

This is what makes antitrust litigation so damn interesting to me.

So in the Starbucks case, you can see that the small coffee shop owner is trying to define the market as "all retail coffee outlets that sell a certain grade of coffee and coffee products prepared over the counter, within these 5 square blocks" or, in other words, "anything that looks like a starbucks outlet near my shop".

Conversely, Starbucks will try to prove how small its share of the market is by defining the market as "each and every firm that sells coffee in any form, including grocers who sell crap like Maxwell House, in the entire universe."

8%

There, I've done my lawyerly duty. Back to booger, poop, and leftyblogger jokes.

(Bananaman: feel free to incorporate this post into your lesson plan.)

The Pot meets the Kettle

The SPPP editorial board is miffed at the anti-smoking zealots that call themselves the “Association for Nonsmokers” (formerly MPATT). What has them pissed is best described by the following paragraph from their self-righteous editorial:

An Aug. 30 press release by the Association of Nonsmokers not only expressed a conclusion about the air quality in St. Paul bars and restaurants that was based on insufficient data, the Association and ClearWay, which commissioned the study, withheld data relevant to the issue but contrary to their pro-ban position.

Forgive me for not being surprised that the Association of Nonsmokers would not tell the truth about the results of their study. Very little, if any, truth has been told by the anti-smoking zealots in this entire debate – including the BS EPA study on secondhand smoke that was “Enroned” until the data showed the desired results.

As I said, I’m not surprised that the Association put out a press release that supported their side of the debate while hiding data that would work against it. I’m also not surprised that they didn’t want to release their raw data – any scientist who’s confident in their data is happy to have others study it.

I do have something to say to those who make editorial decisions at the SPPP.

Nice ass-covering. Someone(s) at your paper decided to publish a press release without substantiating the assertions and now you find out the release was, at best, filled with half truths and, at worst, outright lies.

If the science is so solidly behind the Association – and the SPPP editorial board – why did the former find it necessary to lie about the results of their study?

How many other bullshit-filled press releases have gotten past your editors because the study confirmed the paper’s stance on a particular subject?

Does this little episode help you understand why the general public doesn’t trust the MSM?

When the Sierra Club hands you a press release decrying the billions of gallons of gas that enter the atmosphere because of lawnmower tank overfilling will you raise an eyebrow and say, “Prove it.”?


The Association for Nonsmokers did what most would expect; spin the results of their own study to prove their point.

If the SPPP wants to find a villain here, they should look inside to those who made the decision to print the release without questioning the studies results or how they were arrived at.

Clearly the SPPP was derelict in their duty.

Surprised?

Monday, September 25, 2006

the blog mart

the blog mart tim o'brien

Extreme right-wing bloggers smear Senate candidate!!!!

The blogosphere was agog this week over revelations that an administrative assistant to US Senate candidate and Hennepin County Attorney Amy Klobuchar hired goons whocontinuously beat staff attorneys in her office with crowbars for a period of months this past year. While the details remain sketchy, the Hennepin County sheriff indicated that Ms. Klobuchar intended to punish those members of the staff who refused to plea-bargain out all of their cases, insisting on trials instead.

The extremely nasty tone of the rhetoric in the blogosphere was set early by Andy Aplikowski of the Mark Kennedy propaganda blog Kennedy vs. the Machine (1): "Obveeuslee, somewon hoo wood hire goons too attak here own employees is not fit to sit inn teh Senit. Shee shood go too jail!" The obviously delusional Aplikowski wasn't the only KvM contributor to fling the mud at the greatest County Attorney ever. Gary Miller also piled on. "Why Ms. Klobuchar remains in the Senate race is a mystery to me," Mr. Miller wrote, no doubt shortly before he completed a human sacrifice to Karl Rove.

Paid party hack Michael Brodkorb of Minnesota Democrats Exposed (2) also had the Rovian Right-Wing Noise/ Slime / Spin Machine turning in full gear, writing some 45 posts about Ms. Klobuchar's office discipline techniques. This Nesferatu of the 'net primarily focused on the timeline of events. "If these crowbar assaults were ongoing and continuous from May through August of this year, how come Klobuchar just came forward now, at the end of September? What did she know, and when did she know it?" the jerkass Brodkorb asked.

Fortunately, the left side of Minnesota's blogosphere took up the mantle to counter the outrageous accusations coming from the right-wing puke-bloggers. MNPooplius (3) pointed out some facts that the right-wing smear-o-sphere conveniently omitted, writing: "What Brodkorb and the other surrogates of Kennedy's campaign don't want you to know, is that a large number of Klobuchar's staff are a bunch of ungrateful and disloyal hacks who objected to their union's endorsement of A-Klo. They obviously had these beatings coming!"

George Flaky of the Blog of the Moderate Dumbass (4) agreed, and added that there was some legal gray area here: "I'm not saying that what Klobuchar's assistant did - hiring the goons to crack skulls with crowbars - is right. However, are we sure that that's even illegal? I have a lot of knowledge of the law, and in my research I see nothing on the books that says that beating your own employees with a crowbar is a crime. Look at the definition of "dangerous weapon" in Minnesota Statutes 609.02: I don't see anything in there about a crowbar. Do you? Heh diddly. Whatevs. Pwn3d!"

Finally, the perennial voice of detached reason in the local blogosphere, Flash at Centrisity (5) nailed what this whole so called "Klobocrowbo-gate" is really all about: "If you're a fair and objective observer like me, it's quite clear that Amy is a paragon of upright virtue, coming forward to tell the authorities that her assistant had most of her staff beat up. I'm sure there is an entirely rational explanation for why Amy failed to notice all the black eyes, broken bones and extended absences of her employees until now. Equally clear to objective unbiased people like me (or am I the only one?) is that the smear merchants on the right are just using this incident to slime and smear Amy with their viscous [sic] attack machine like the slimy dirty smearboaters they are. Run Amy run! DFL forever!"

And you can bet he's objective, because he says he is. A lot.

So there, right-wing noise machine. You and your ilk can choke on it!

Scientists closer to discovering Unified Baniaiaiaiaiaiaiaian Theory

According to the Scientific American Blog (6), scientists have made a significant breakthrough in their quest to ascertain the correct spelling of the blogger at SCSU Scholars blog (7). "We've always known that there is one 'B' (capital) and two 'n's,' but the rest of the composition of his last name remained a mystery until now. We now believe that the remainder of his name is made up entirely of 'i's' and 'a's'". Scientific American then went on to hypothesize that the name likely included "five to seven 'i's' and infinity minus 7 to 12 'a's'".

SEE FOR YOURSELF: HOW TO FIND BLOGS ONLINE:

1. Kennedy vs. the Machine - kennedyvmachine.com
2. Minnesota Democrats Exposed - minnesotademocratsexposed.com
3. MNPooplius - MNPooplius.com
4. Blog of the Moderate Dumbass - pooppooppooppooppoop.com
5. Centrisity - centrisity.blogspot.com
6. Scientific American - blog.sciam.com
7. SCSU Scholars - scsuscholars.com

THE BLOGS IN ANALOG: MASS MEDIA ORGY

We're all primordial soup.

Ana Marie Cox. Keith Olbermann. Me.

The ultimate 3-way!

Coming Attractions

I've had a "blog mart" welling up in the bowels of my imagination for a quite a while. Hopefully I'll be able to squeeze it out during my lunch hour. Grab some toilet paper and stay tuned.

OPG's Week 3 Breakdown

Woe is me! Woe! Woe!!! Will this team win a game this year?

What?... What was that?

...

They won? And the Vikings lost?

I need to stop drinking sterno starting two hours before kickoff.

...

Has Cynical Vikings Guy called for Brad Childress' head yet?

Where's my Tylenol?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Welcome to the Blogosphere, Distinguished Members of the Media!

I see that many of you have rediscovered blogs because of that little Wellstonian twit Noah Kunin, who stole a confidential unreleased ad from a private firm's website and then forwarded it to the Klobuchar campaign.

Just a random musing: Possible illegalities aside, that preceding sentence sounds an awful lot like an exam question I encountered in and IP or torts course in law school. Huh.

Anyway, I - LearnedFoot - would like to welcome you back. Judging by the various search engine terms and other coverage, it seems your interest in us has been somewhat rekindled. But since I fear that for most of you, your knowledge of this medium has been influenced by the likes of Tim O'Brien, I'm here to help you out; show you all the lay of the land; offer you some tips and warn you of the traps.

One of your legion on the news last night - Whatsizface...the bald guy...I think he's on WCCO...ah hell, the name will come to me - described the blogosphere as the "Wild West." That's an inapt analogy.

Really, it's more like a large corner pub. A pub that draws a diverse cross-section of people: party hacks, party activists, freelance propagandists, campaign hacks, cause activists, Hugh Hewitt wannabes, and annoying people who think that the world at large gives a shit about their dumbass cat.

That's about 50% of it.

49% of blogs concern themselves with p0rn.

That leaves 1% of the hypothetical "people" patronizing this metaphorical "bar" that you should actually pay any attention to.

To apply it to the story of the day, if you look carefully (and I will not provide links to them, otherwise you too may incur the same variety of brain damage that Tim O'Brien has apparently suffered) you have every damn lefty blog in the greater Minnesota area defending the indefensible, misdirecting the attention to irrelevancies, spitting out unspeakably stupid recriminations at Mark Kennedy, taking their side's stories at face value (some of which has already been exposed as a lie) while simultaneously breaking common decency and ethics down to a molecular level to see if they can find one jot that helps paint their candidate in a favorable light. They're trying to manipulate the theft of a work product in progress by a known left-wing DFL operative and the temporary complicity in it by the Klobuchar campaign as a shot against Mark Kennedy.

Most people would call it an insult to your intelligence. I call it the left wing Minnesota blogosphere. Look for it in your next edition of Roget's Thesaurus.

And if you examine these blogs closely, most of their authors are officially involved in a campaign or the DFL party in one capacity or another. There's a lot of rich irony in there if you look for it. Like the guy who thinks he can write authoritatively on topics of law because he was married to a lawyer once. Or, like the party bobos who appropriated the name "Publius" for their blog. This is a blog that wasted all kinds of bandwith accusing Mark Kennedy of campaign finance improprieties EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. he made a public appearance in Minnesota. I don't wish to insult John Jay, Alexander Hamilton, et al. so I just refer to that blog, on the rare occasions I do so, as "MNPooplius."

That is, they do those things during the times when they are not fixating on the latest fantasy opinion polls like a bunch of fourteen year-old boys who just got their hands on a copy of Playboy.

So the short story is: avoid those nimrods. If you want A-Klo's side of the story, just go straight to the campaign. You'll get the same thing you're getting from the bobos from people who have achieved at least some mastery of the skill of avoiding appearing like an obsessive nut, and who possess a mental age above 16.

And it probably goes without saying that you should probably avoid the p0rn blogs too. Unless they let you do that sort of thing at work.

So now you're left with 1% of the denizens of this mysterious tavern with whom it's safe to engage. These are the "Thunderjournalists." Guys like us, her, him (the coiner of "Thunderjournal"), him, and these guys.

We're relatively well adjusted folk who - uh, excuse me a second...

WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FRITOS????!!!!! I asked for a bag of goddam Fritos over an hour ago? Who's in charge of getting my Fritos?

DEMENTEE: SORRY BOSS!!!!!!! ME JUST BUSY EATING MOONBAT!!!!! ME GO GET FRITOS RIGHT NOW!!!!!

BILL INTERRUPTS: You shouldn't eat Fritos, Foot. They go straight to your thighs.

OPG INTERRUPTS: The Bears Suck!

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA ADDS: Velveeta!!!!

DEMENTEE: HERE FRITOS FOOT!!!! SORRY ABOUT DROOL ON BAG!!! ME GOTTA GO POOP NOW!!!!!!

OK, that's better. Where was I?

Oh yeah: us Thunderjournalists are a relatively well-adjusted lot. while we are politically engaged, we don't have any real partisan axes to grind, nor are we trying to sell you on some candidate or other that we regard with almost religious reverence. Along with the occasional political screed, we also write about sports, music, family life, butts, poop, why Nick Coleman sucks, and a myriad of other entertaining trivia that catches our collective fancies. Will you get the inside poop on the latest-breaking speculation about one political campaign or other? No.

But you will get poop. That's a guarantee.

And you will never, ever get your intelligence insulted.

So, check us out, Eric Black, Frank Vascellaro and Pat Kessler (HA! Remembered it!). The "blog" is dead; long live the Thunderjournal.

P.S. Really now, don't you think that this is a hell of a lot more interesting - and illuminating - than some dork with a video camera and bad taste in eyewear trying to convince you that a password prompt wasn't really a prompt for a password?

Thursday, September 21, 2006

A Celebration in Thunderjournalism in Which A Happy Fun Blogger Creates a Ridiculous Satire

Good beginning of the day, Happy Young People. Welcome to your first day here at Paul Wellstone Comfortable Center Palace o' Learning. I am your Coordinator of Fun, Truth and Fact, Ms. Flemlasky. I will write my name of the Chalk-Enhanced Slate of Illumination, so you can acquire the Correct Order of the Symbols of Sound and Fun.

Now that you are Comfortable Center Palace Learners, you will be expected to master more Enlightenment Materials faster. But of course that means much more fun! I will now provide you with an overview of the handout you have on your desk: the Semiannual Schedule of Enlightenment Parties.

We will start each day with the Having a Super Time With Numbers Party. This year you will be expected to enjoy Making Numbers Bigger in Multiples, Making Numbers Smaller by Multiples (including some which give you an Extra Bonus Number left over), and doing the same With Numbers that Have Been Cut Down to Fun-Sized pieces!

Next up in your Party Day will be Gettin' Down With Your Mother Tongue! We will experience many super-nifty examples of Happy People Who Write Words for Us to Enjoy. You will even have several chances to write your own groups of words for me to enjoy.

Then you'll have your Mandatory Nutrition Intake Hour.

After Mandatory Nutrition Intake Hour, you will experience the Many Possibilities of Cool Explosions Party Hour. You will become illuminated in the very basic super-neat elements of our Mother Earth. Sometimes your Beaker Toting Supervisor of Fun and Learning will mix the wrong fruits of Mother Earth together and hilarity ensues!

At 2:00 each day, you will experience Adventures in American Diversity in Past Events. You will learn about the most important minorities of the past like Frederich Douglass, Susan B Anthony and Millard Fillmore - our first probably-gay president.

Finally, you will end your daily Party of Enlightenment with gym class and a group hug.

Remember: you are Comfortable Center Palace Learners now. That means you will have Celebrations of Learning almost every night. Please, please - keep your applause down. I encourage you to spend a sufficient amount of time on your Celebrations of Learning, but don't get carried away. While Celebrations of Learning are undoubtedly fun and groovy, you do need your Nightly Unconscious Super Happy Fun Battery Recharging every night, so that you're fresh and ready to Party Hard here the next day.

Any questions? Good. Let's party.

Please open your Former Beautiful Trees Bearing Wisdom About Numbers to page 1...

How to Polish a Turd

Flash provides a professional demonstration.

KAR FLASHBACK: I use the word "professional" intentionally.

KAR Exclusive: Video of Chavez's Address to the UN

KAR has obtained the video of Hugo Chavez's speech to the UN yesterday. One thing that struck me about this footage was that Chavez actually sung his remarks. I wonder why none of the news accounts mentioned that.

Another thing that surprised me was how enthusiastic the members of the General Assembly were. They were shouting and cheering and pumping their fists through the whole thing.

Anyway, here's the video if you're interested.



.

.

.

UPDATE: I just watched it again, and realized that this wasn't Hugo Chavez's UN address, but rather live footage of Iron Maiden performing Number of the Beast. My bad.

Although, I think I just got an idea for a parody song...

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

How to be a Condescending Prick

Lesson 1

The subject: global warming

The players:
Bill Gray: professor at Colorado State University who’s studied tropical meteorology for more than 40 years.

Roger Pielke: Jr., director of the Center for Science and Technology Policy Research at the University of Colorado

The scenario:
Bill and Roger both agree that global warming is happening, but Bill has made the mistake of asserting that human beings are not the cause – GASP!

Bill: “I think we’re coming out of the little ice age, and warming is due to changes to ocean circulation patterns due to salinity variations,” Gray said. “I’m sure that’s it.”

Roger: “Bill Gray is a widely respected senior scientist who has a view that is out of step with a lot of his colleagues’,” [Roger] Pielke said. But challenging widely held views is “good for science because it forces people to make their case and advances understanding.”

“We should always listen to the minority,” said Pielke, who spoke from his office in Boulder. “But it’s prudent to take actions that both minimize human effect on the climate and also make ourselves much more resilient.”


Let us look closely at some of the key words and phrases of Roger’s response, what he said and what it really means:

“widely respected senior scientist” – Bill is an old man who is only here because of tenure. Until last semester he insisted the world was flat.

“out of step with a lot of his colleagues” – He’s not one of us. In fact his inferiority is on display every time he opens his mouth. We don’t invite him to happy hour anymore.

"it[challenging widely held views] forces people to make their case and advances understanding.” – It advances our understanding that there are some who refuse to be reeducated and we must do what we can to marginalize them and make sure they are painted as lunatics or crazy old coots.

“We should always listen to the minority,” – Like you do a child, patting them on the head and telling them to run along.

“But it’s prudent to take actions that both minimize human effect on the climate and also make ourselves much more resilient.” – Then laugh at them behind their backs and go about our business writing our grants requests to government so we can stay employed.

Based on his reaction to Bill Gray’s statements Roger Pielke has been named today’s Condescending Prick.

Congratulations to Roger

They have to be nuts

And I don’t just mean nuts like crazy Aunt Alice. I mean wacko, out of their minds, certifiable insane.

The PHPs at the Star & Sickle have proven again, as if we needed them to, why they do not now and never will take serious the threats from the Islamofascist dirtballs looking to kill every one of us.

They refer to the killing, burning, rioting slime as “hotheads”.

Where the hell does that come from? Hotheads?

This is not some playground scuffle between a couple of kids. The “hotheads” want us dead. They want to kill everyone who doesn’t want to worship Allah.

What don’t the PHPs understand:

Whereupon some Islamic hotheads took to burning buildings, attacking people and, in a now tiresome, worn tirade, pledging to convert every human being to Islam or lop off their heads.

What the F&%$ is this? They don’t get it. They really are that stupid. They’ve seen the videos of beheadings and they still don’t believe it. This isn’t ignorant, this is just plain dangerous.

Someone should sit the hotheads down, read them a few of the outrageous statements individual Muslim leaders have made in recent years about Christianity or Judaism ... and suggest they gauge the relative heat of the pope's words.

That oughta do it. Just sit ‘em down and have a little heart to heart. Of course your heart will be on a skewer roasting over a campfire.

Do these ignorant asses read their own newspaper? Why do they not take the murdering scum at their word: “Death to America”?

If the Leftists this group endorses are elected…

…We’re fucked.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Sisyphus only, please.

(Any comment made by Chad the Elder will be converted to Barry Manilow lyrics by Admin.)

Of Being Busy and Busting the Balls of the Banal

Crushingly busy. Sorry that you're not getting your hot KAR action right now.

As a quick fix, Tucci writes something today that I wish I had written. Go read it now.

More later as time permits. It will probably be in Haiku. Or perhaps an open thread for Sisyphus to explain the methodology behind selecting the very best "Seperated at Birth" candidates, space shuttle debris, and whatever else is on his mind...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Old Maiden?

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO "JIM P":

Dave has the comprehensive review of A Matter of Life and Death here.

Moron Mail

The Milwaukee Brewers faced high expectations this year. The team featured an exciting crop of top-prospect rookies along with a potentially dominating pitching rotation.

But then something went horribly wrong. Brewers started dropping like flies. First it was potential Gold Glove shortstop JJ Hardy - out for the season with a severely sprained ligament in his ankle. Then starter / long reliever Rick Helling bowed out (elbow). Then future super-star 2nd baseman Rickie Weeks' season ended prematurely with a wrist injury. All the while ace Ben Sheets (shoulder / back) and the Brew Crew's 3rd starter Toma Okha (hammie) constantly bounced off and on the DL. Okha's season is now over, as is third baseman Corey Koskie's.

Then for some reason, I thought about Miller Park's roof. It's been widely maligned since it has had problems with water leaks. For the longest time, whenever it rained, there was a constant dripping around the 2nd base area.

Rickie Weeks plays second base.

I did some digging and found out that Mitsubishi made Miller Park's roof. Mitsubishi is Japanese for "three diamonds".

Alarm bells went off in my head.

"Three diamonds." Baseball diamonds.

A quick glance at the standings shows that the Brewers are in 4th place in the NL central - behind 3 teams! Could those three diamonds that the Mitsubishi name refers to be those you would find at Busch Stadium, Minute Maid Park (nee Enron Field!) and... wherever the hell it is that the Reds play?

At that point it all became clear to me.

You can be certain that the super rich owners of those 3 franchises own significant blocks of Mitsubishi stock (and thus hold a great deal of influence with that company). These owners, to ensure that the uppity Brewers remained in their place as an also ran in the NL Central, had Mitsubishi install a faulty roof that would incessantly drip water on Rickie Weeks' head, causing him to go insane. Weeks' water torture insanity would lead him to assault various teammates, injuring them in such a way that they would either have to sit out for the remainder of the season or spend significant amounts of time on the DL.

The plan was somewhat derailed when Weeks injured his wrist punching Ben sheets in the back. But by then (and with Weeks' departure) the damage had been done.

Prove me wrong people! Prove. Me. Wrong.

Oh, on a wholly unrelated topic, this letter appeared in the Strib today:

A temporary fix

In a letter last week, a reader suggested that since everyone was blaming George W. Bush for recent high gasoline prices, we might want to thank him now that prices have come down.

We absolutely should. The fall in prices is because Bush has now called in his markers from the big oil companies. He has allowed them to artificially inflate prices at the pump while making obscene record profits without regulation or excess profits taxes, and they owe him big-time.

Prices will continue to fall, probably to the $2-a-gallon level, until after the election, when they'll go back above $3 and beyond.

SCULLY R. MULDER, AREA 51

The truth is out there, bitch.

UPDATE: Another factoid that supports my theory - did anyone notice how Geoff Jenkins didn't get hurt this year? That had to be on purpose.

"Your Children Will Die"

It's funny 'cuz it's true. (Flash movie; headphones on.)

Monday, September 18, 2006

KAR Flashback: Poopy Spinach

I'm sure you've heard by now about the e. coli outbreak being spread by tainted spinach. E. coli is usually spread by poop or poopy runoff from cattle yards. The prospect of eating poopy spinach is only slightly less gross than preparing untainted spinach with this recipe - the first recorded recipe fisking.

I don’t give a damn…

What the Pope said.

One cannot excuse the brutal, savage acts and threats the Islamic freak parade is perpetrating. But some will try.

The apologists will have us believe that the “protests” are being carried out by a few radicals who do not represent the true tenets of the Islamic faith. To them I say, “Bullshit.”

Burning churches and killing nonbelievers is the standard MO for these filthy bastards and, yet, we are told the problem isn’t the bastards; rather it is we who should feel guilty for saying things that inflame them.

How screwed up is that?

Why is it every religion takes it shots – Virgin Mary in elephant shit, crucifix in a jar of urine - but it’s the intellectually stunted cretin Muslims that must take to the streets whenever they are offended?

Why do we, the “infidels”, have to fear for our lives because thin-skinned, peace-hating theocrats cannot accept the fact that Allah is not the god of choice for a large chunk of the world’s population?

How can Rosie “The Lard-Assed” O’Donnell make outrageous claims: "radical Christianity" is "just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America where we have separation of church and state.", and be taken seriously by anybody?
I want answers.

Keith Ellison where are you?

If you are a Muslim, I have to assume you align yourself with the Islamofascist dirt-bag pigs, until you prove otherwise.

I Am a Walking Contusion and Other Thunderjournalistic Navel-Gazery

Since the favorite topic of bloggers and Thunderjournalists is themselves, let's have at it:

Mitch = French

The final shot has been fired in Blog Wars 1 (The Phantom Ecker). I would have escaped relatively unscathed had it not been for the exercise in brutality known as "The President Game," in which I got shot about 97,000 times. You can read all about it here, here or here (with pictures!). I have little else to add to those accounts save for this:

No liberal bloggers showed up. Mitch "I Am So There!" Berg didn't show up. Draw your own conclusions.

Insult to (Avoiding) Injury

Perhaps the reason Mitch dodged the Blog War was some sort of heart-rending depression caused by having his quote in Saturday's "Blog House" paired with one from a rancidly delusional lefty blog.

I mean this blog is so bad, that any time there's an election in which the most psychopathically communist candidate doesn't win, they cry "fraud!"

And O'Brien gave them the last word over Mitch. But you'd think that would motivate Mitch to shoot things...

Seventh Great War Against the Nihilist in Golf Pants Narrowly Averted

KAR returns to the top spot on the Nihilist's Top 11 Blogs list, having been briefly deported to #2. Since Notre Dame lost both its game and any realistic chance for a national championship to Michigan, ND Nation falls back behind us, where it belongs. Good thing too - things might have gotten ugly had Notre Dame kept winning deep into the season.

Peace in our time!

Dude Needs to Work on His Branding

Fellow thunderjournalist Ryan Rhodes returns from Vegas to find that someone thinks he writes a weather blog (for those of you unfamiliar with Ryan's work, his thunderjournal mainly concerns itself with asses, and ass-related observations).

Forecast calls for a 30% chance of profanity.

Separated at Birth?

Democratic Underground and...

Anti-Strib(*)?

?????

Yikes!

Background: a couple of weeks ago Andy from Rezijewall Froces met one Joe Tucci at Keegan's. Since Andy was having a tough time fending off Sue Jeffers' comment trolls and certain other pompous varieties of cheese, he decided to hire on Joe as his "muscle".

Unfortunately, Joe took this to mean that he was being "straightened out," or "made," so he thought he was obligated to "make his bones" to fully earn Andy's trust. So he lured some patsies out into the open and clipped them.

As for his choice of patsy, I'm afraid that I have to take the blame for that. During a conversation I had with Joe, I happened to mention in passing that the leader of Anti Strib had RSVPed for the Post-MilF party, but never showed up. While that is poor form, it certainly isn't a whackable offense.

So, in short, even though Joe Tucci thought he was doing right by me and Andy, these were not sanctioned hits. Joe Tucci has sent his apologies.

Of course, that doesn't excuse the knee-jerk and downright ignorant comments left in both the thread linked above and RF. To wit, the Anti Strib Society assumed Joe Tucci and Andy were:

* A liberal

* Dickless

* A "low-rent" Joe Pesci

(Those who are well acquainted with Tucci and Andy are no doubt rolling on the floor in laughter right now. And just to be clear on the 3rd point: the 6'1" 190 pound Tucci models himself more after KAR hero Tony Sirico.)

And then, sensing weakness, Andy's archnemesis, Stinky Mr. Limberger himself had to jump in:

Well, at least more people are seeing the real intellectual punch provided at RF.

I will answer the open letter for you...basically, to disagree with any aspect of the GOP mantra (that Kennedy, Pawlenty, et al. are the perfection of 'conservativism') is to be liberal.

Isn't that what the ASS called Andy & Tucci? "Lefties?" More:

Truth is, they think you suck because you think for yourselves (which they cannot do) and you have the onions to engage in a debate on issues...something they are 100% incapable of doing.

(Scrolling to the top of the blog again...)

Hey Bill?! Why did we name this thunderjournal the "Kool Aid Report" again?

Well, I suppose that it doesn't take that much more intellectual heft to know that you just got played. Tony, as usual is wrong. Tucci (or Andy) actually donn't think Anti Strib sucks. In fact, Anti-Strib frequently gives MnObserver heartburn, which earns them this thunderjournalist's undying admiration. The fact is, Tucci just wanted to make his bones.

But just in case, Joe Tucci forwarded me all the nasty commments they left on RF, should the need ever arise to illustrate what it looks like when ignoramouses jump to hasty conclusions.

* Does not apply to Sequel and Badda. Both Tucci and KAR understand that they are stand-up guys.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About How Unpredictable Radical Islamicists' Reaction to the Pope's Speech Was

Terror, death, destruction
Pour from the eastern sands
But the truth of all predictions
Is always in your hands --Iron Maiden

POPE: This one ancient emperor once said that Islam is a fundamentally violent religion.

ISLAMOCOMIENAZIS: BECAUSE OF YOUR SLANDER, WE SHALL KEEEEEL YOU!!!!!!

OPG's Week 2 Breakdown

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

(Where's my beer?)

Friday, September 15, 2006

Paintball Haiku

Please Chad, play paintball
With us. I promise not to
Aim at your vulva.

UPDATE: Bobo has a paintball Limerick for Chad.

Just So I'm on the Record

I don't dislike Keith Ellison because he's black.

I don't dislike Keith Ellison because he's a Muslim.

I don't dislike Keith Ellison because he is unfamiliar with the parking rules of the city in which he lives.

I don't particularly dislike Keith Ellison.

However:

I do think he would be a shitty Congressman because he's a neo-marxist moonbat that people are already comparing to Paul Wellstone (of whom I hold the exact same opinion - and he was white!).

I do think that Ellison would be a shitty Congressman because of his dim view of national defense.

And if you would like to label me (and the thousands of others who share this opinion) as a "bigot," well, that just pretty much proves how big a fucking moron you really are.

Iron Maiden Can teach Us a Lot About What Liberal Bloggers Do When Challenged to a Friendly Game of Paintball



Kevie has the rest of the story.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

If You Needed Any More Proof that Polls Are Pornography for Paste-Eating Losers and Propaganda for Flailing Campaigns...

...read on.

Every lefty blog in Minnesota has picked up on this little nugget from a blog that has a name that starts with the word "Dump" (and will therefore have it's link spoofed), and spun it as "proof" that John Kline's 2nd CD seat is up for grabs:

This came out of a MN Gubernatorial and US Congress polling by the coordinated campaign. It's for SD38 (numbers from other SDs in CD2 are showing similar results). It shows what we've suspected all along: the CD2 Congressional race is much tighter and Kline's seat is at risk. Which would explain (but not excuse) Kline's repeated negative attacks. The polling shows:For all voters:

Rowley 42%
Kline 45 %
Undecided 13%


No links to a source...

Data from a single district...

That went to Kerry in the 2004 election.

I'm pretty sure of that, anyway: the 38th is comprised mostly of Eagan. Here, do the math yourself. I haven't got the time. Besides, Nonmonkey himself told us morons who voted for Bush that Eagan went to Kerry shortly after the election, so it must be true.

And really, it's not so surprising to this former Eagander. Those of us who needed larger homes to shelter our expanding families had to move south to Apple Valley, Rosemount and Farmington to find a decent dwelling at an affordable price. We were replaced by self-indulgent permanent empty-nesters who have no problem spending $200k for a two bedroom split level townhouse. Any guesses as to how that demographic votes?

But don't take my word for it: drive around the district and look at all the moonbat lawn signs. Including the assault on aesthetics that is Rowley's.

So actually, if you want to be honest, Rowley down 3% in a district that voted for John Kerry just 2 years ago should be alarming to her bobos.

And I wonder why they just mention that district. Oh sure, the moonbat says:

numbers from other SDs in CD2 are showing similar results

Oh, OK. We'll take your word on that.

Or, back here on Earth, the likely truth is that the only other district she is leading in is Northfield, with its large cache of moonbat college students.

One more thing: this line here made me laugh:

Which would explain (but not excuse) Kline's repeated negative attacks.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Kline's "negative attacks," they always follow the same pattern:

1) Rowley's campaign, or a staffer thereof, does something sleazy, stupid or suspicious.

2) Kline's campaign calls them on it.

3) Rowley's campaign sends an e-mail to to all her shrieking monkeys in the local blogosphere apprising them of the latest "outrageous" response from the Kline campaign.

4) Shrieking monkeys dutifully accuse Kline campaign of sliming Rowley or cruelly picking on some poor, unpaid campaign volunteer.

5) Repeat.

Stop deluding yourselves. Kline wins this race by 7 to 10 points.

UPDATE TO AVOID APPEARING DISINGENUOUS: It should be noted that John Kline hammered his DFL opponent, Whatzerface, in Eagan in 2004. Or at least I think he did. Again, I haven't got the time. You do the math.

UPDATE (WITH MATH!): Our old pal Sisyphus did the tabulations. He even included a spreadsheet. His summary:

In Senate District 38, Kerry edged Bush 50-49.

Kline won by about 9, 53-44.

In the entire 2nd Congressional District, Bush won by 9, 54-45.

Kline won by 16, 56-40.

Senate District 38 accounted for 11.23% of the votes cast in the second Congressional District race in 2004.

Clearly SD38 is less Republican than the rest of the district.

The smell of death is at the door

My leader, the great LearnedFoot, implored me to respond to the “news” about Out of Air America, so here goes.

Truth is, I saw this yesterday but have been far to busy to do much of anything lately. Work is insane and, believe it or not, the older lad started another season of hockey, his first as a Pee Wee.

Let the checking begin!

I read the post. I read many of the comments, the whining, the gnashing of teeth, the vitriol spewed on Conservatives because the Libs are, potentially, losing their radio presence.

But through it all the paragraph below is the one that stands head and shoulders above the rest of the idiocy:

The right wing is sure to seize on Air America’s financial woes as a sign that progressive talk radio is unpopular. In fact, Air America succeeded at creating something that didn’t exist: the progressive talk radio format.

Did I read that right? This vacuous fool is claiming success in the face of bankruptcy? (This just in, in yet another sign of the rousing success that is Air America Radio, Al isn’t getting paid). How can anyone, even OAA-loving Lefty, make that claim?

That statement alone illustrates a fundamental flaw in how the Left thinks, or doesn’t think. Trying is good enough for them. As long as you give it a shot you haven’t failed.

Using this guy’s logic, second place, or for that matter last place, is just as good as winning. In fact, they are one and the same.

This is why the Left will continue to lose, because when the do lose they think they’ve won.

Bullshit!

That format is now established and strong and will continue with or without Air America. Indeed, many of the country’s most successful and widely-syndicated progressive talk hosts — Ed Schultz and Stephanie Miller, for instance — aren’t even associated with Air America.

Here we go again; OAA is a success because Schultz and Miller – non OAA hosts – are successful in their own right.

This is insanity run amok. If a company is filing bankruptcy while two of its business partners are wildly successful, that makes the company nothing more than bankrupt. Unless you are a Lefty who believes that everyone is a success as long as they try.

Give it up moron. The world is filled with winners and losers and OAA lost. They lost big because of their own stupidity. The same stupidity that leads you to believe they are winning. They aren’t winning. They have failed.

OAA is one of the great failures of all time. They went to market with a horseshit business model. Their marquis host, “comedian” Al Franken, had no experience in radio and is no better today than he was when the show debuted. To say afloat, the company offers “memberships” to listeners. They took $850K from a non-profit group ($ that was supposed to help urban youth – how’s that for Leftwing irony). They went on the air with one mission: unseat W. When that failed their mission didn’t change.

The talent – and I use the word in the general sense not as a indication that any hosts actually have it – is, top to bottom spends their time ranting and raving against W and his administration and, in doing so, have forgotten about the cornerstone of broadcasting – Entertainment.

If you don’t entertain while spewing your bile, no one, not event the mindless ones who agree with OAA, will listen.

It’s called boring radio.

It’s called failure.

It’s called Out of Air America.

Moron Mail

I think somebody spiked their kool aid with angel dust or something. On the same page, you've got the Portland Avenue Poopybutts trying to convince their readers that the primary victory in the AG race of a Mike Hatch clone is a vote for "change," along with this mysterious specimen of schizophrenic "thought":

Katherine Kersten's column on Sept. 11 points out that there are some nut cases who have unique and distorted perceptions of reality.

With all due respect to the families and friends of the victims of the 9/11 tragedy, there are certainly other conspiracy theories she should add to her list.

Is it the outing of Valerie Plame? Haliburton controlling the weather. Petula Clark was actually JFK's assassin? Do tell...

One in particular is the theory that legalizing gay marriage will undermine heterosexual marriage. That "conspiracy theory" is not only ludicrous, it is discriminating and hateful.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWCHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Owie! Owie OWIE! OUUUUCH!!!! I think I just got whiplash!

KIRK DORKFIEND, OWATONNA, MINN.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Someone take over for me while I look up "non-sequitur" in the dictionary.

UPDATE: Dictionary says: "see prune juice".

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Yoohoo? Dementee?



I believe that this is your beat.

Please be sure to thoroughly mock this delusion-riddled graf that attempts to find the silver lining in the cloud whole piece of corn in the turd:

The right wing is sure to seize on Air America’s financial woes as a sign that progressive talk radio is unpopular. In fact, Air America succeeded at creating something that didn’t exist: the progressive talk radio format. That format is now established and strong and will continue with or without Air America. Indeed, many of the country’s most successful and widely-syndicated progressive talk hosts — Ed Schultz and Stephanie Miller, for instance — aren’t even associated with Air America.

UPON FURTHER REFLECTION: "Think" Progress appears to be one of those left wing fantasy news outlets like "Truth"Out, so maybe it's best to take this report with a grain chunk block mine's-worth of salt. We all remember what happened with "Truth"Out's last big exclusive story...

Moonbat Outrage Reserve Levels at All Time Low

That's just a guess, of course. But the more you look at it, the more obvious it seems that, for some, the anger over the illegalunjustimmoralwarinIraq just isn't floating their boats any more, so they're trying really hard to find something else that pisses them off. For instance, you now have dumbshit philosophy professors all of a sudden acquiring expertise on the melting point of structural steel and making other bogus half-truths to claim that the government perpetrated -or was at least complicit in - the 9/11 attacks.

It's perplexing that these sorry excuses of human beings feces are getting all this attention. One's normal reaction when seeing a raving lunatic babbling incoherently on a street corner is to avoid eye contact and move on as quickly as possible. In the last couple of weeks, the press has not only engaged these fruitballs, but have actually considered it good copy.

But in any event, I'm convinced that these loony toons' are just trying to get outraged about something since they haven't had much new to get outraged about in the past year or so.

Well, there was that 9/11 movie on ABC, but that's over now. And Fitzmas (which was - let's face it - mock outrage, since these a-holes have always despised the CIA and everything it does) was a dud. But really, neither of those could have compared to the orgasmic outrage to be gleened from charging the president they despise with mass murder.

But what if you're not a moonbat kook? What if you're an apolitical animal-loving kook. You know the kind I'm talking about - the ones who cry like the little bitches they are at the end of Old Yeller when the dog dies, but bat not one eyelash when scads of human beings are portaryed dying in a movie like Schindler's List.

Well, those kooks finally found a fictional something to get upset about too:

Breakfast food company Kellogg's has come under fire from animal lovers furious about a television advert showing a man riding a dog like a horse.

Nearly 100 complaints have been made against the new Crunchy Nut Cornflakes advert, which shows a very small man finishing work and riding home on the back of an Irish Wolfhound.

Dog lovers say the behaviour in the scene is cruel and could be copied by children.

Get.

A.

Life.

When filming the ad, nobody rode on the dog. It was a CGI effect.

Get. A. Life.

Although, they may have a point about children, inspired by this ad, mounting Rover and causing the poor pooch serious injury.

Like that's never happened before.

This is all too reminiscent of the Great Apple Jacks Fruit Outrage of '05, when the Center or "Science" in the "Public" "Interest" put Kellogg's in the crosshairs, charging the breakfast cereal purveyor of being fruitist.

Get. A. Life.

My Kind of Goombah

I'm pretty sure Andy is now regretting signing Joe Tucci on to RF.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

This Tucci Guy is Connected

He's blogging on RF.

I'm kind of glad ole Fuzzy got to him first now.

Packers slink toward oblivion

Nice signing.

OPG SNEERS: Hey, Dementee: don't you have some children to sire or something?

Joe Tucci Post Stirs Outrage in Blogosphere

KAR has received an unprecedented number of complaints and angry e-mails in the wake of Joe Tucci's account of Saturday's MOB Gala. Here are just a few samples.

Some folks thought that Tucci didn't tell the whole story:

Dave C. writes:

How dare you snub me. I met John Tucci. Why didn't he mention me? That e-mail bears no resemblance to reality! I demand that Tucci either correct this omission or KAR pull the post altogether!

And this from Ben W.,

I am outraged! Not only does Joe Tucci call me a "pansy ass white boy," but his account was totally lacking content. By my calculations, Tucci was at the MOB party for about three hours, yet it only took me 5 minutes to read his report. What gives? Why is there so much left out? What are you all hiding? I demand that Joe Tucci either revise his e-mail to include everything he saw at Keegan's that night or KAR pull the post altogether!

And Paul writes us:

Hey, I met Joe Tucci too! Why didn't he mention me? Notre Dame rules!

Obviously, Joe Tucci cannot recount everything he experienced in a short e-mail. Especially since, as in Paul's case, Tucci only saw many people for but a fleeting moment before said persons had to return to the train station to retrieve the spouse he had 20 minutes earlier abandoned there so he could go to a bar and have one beer. I think you guys should cut Tucci just a little bit of slack.

Others were appalled at Tucci's crass manner. Geoff F. complains:

Joe Tucci is a misogynistic pig. How dare he revel in the patriarchal double-standard by using terms like "chick" to refer to glorious womyn! And how dare he advocate violence against womyn by advising a fellow wingnut to "smack that ass". KAR continues to oppress and degrade womyn by giving patriarchal oppressors like Joe Tucci a forum! As a member of the inferior gender (male), I am deeply deeply offended. I demand you edit Joe Tucci's report to exclude all references to womyn or, better yet, pull the post in it's entirety!

David S seemed incensed:

I'm not fat! I'm a letch!

Well, OK; I'm a little chubby.

Eva Y. sent me this bizarre rebuke:

Curious.

I don't recall seeing any "evil weeble" at Keegan's. And I talked to everybody. I was the one who knew that the rediculous looser Michael Brodkorb was the Drama Queen before anyone elese did - even Michele Bachmann. I demand that you edit out the part about the evil weeble or better yet pull the post. And read my blog
.

Obviously there was some sort of weeble there that night because Tucci kept mentioning one. However, describing the weeble as "evil" may be a touch too judgemental. I will edit out the term "evil" and replace it with a more objective adjective to describe the weeble.

Everything else stays.

Finally, Andy writes in:

Toochees storee aboot teh MOB partee was total ficshun! Dispite what he sez, he did knot meet me out on teh patio, but inside teh bar. And he also left out taht hee rubbed my head alot and how my fuzzy hed turns teh chicks on! I demand taht you either edit teh post to mak it more akyoorate acyarat accyerite right, or pull teh post altogheter.

And for some reason, Andy linked us to a video message from his girlfriend Petunia to support the fact (which I don't think Tucci ever disputed) that his fuzzy head turns chicks on.

While I don't think that most of these complaints merit any changes - let alone a lengthy post that could better be dedicated to moron letters to the editor - I think it would be wise to put a disclaimer before Tucci's e-mail, in addition to the few necessary edits. It shall be done in short order.

UPDATE: The post has now been edited.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Joe Tucci Gets Local Thunderjournalist into Trouble

Joe Tucci's MOB Party post mortem is stirring up some controversy.

More tomorrow.

Joe Tucci: Man About Keegans

With Dementee's Inspirational and Super-Happy 9/11 Reflection now safely out of the way, time has come again for the semiannual MOB party post mortem. As you may know, I was unable to attend on Saturday, having come down with a severe case of, oh, let's say: gout. So the wrapup duties fell to the Head of Alfredo Garcia who, as is his custom, foisted said duties off onto someone else. The unfortunate soul The Head tapped for the task was an out-of-towner attending the party as a guest of "some guy". Below is the text of the e-mail he sent me:

DISCLAIMER: The following e-mail is a dramatization that is drawn from a variety of sources including Joe Tucci and some other guys, and from personal interviews by Joe Tucci. The e-mail is not a wikipedia entry. For dramatic and narrative purposes, the e-mail contains fictionalized scenes, composite and representative characters and dialogue, as well as time compression and nipple rubbing.

Mr. Foot,

Joe Tucci from Milwaukee here. This guy who says he blogs with you asked me to send you a writeup of my experiences from the party on Saturday. So here it is. Don't say I never done nothing for you.

When I first got there, I ran into this one guy, this and this other guy with his wife. I could tell that that other guy's wife totally wanted me. I could also tell that she was a good cook, judging by the girth of her hubby. We chatted for a few moments, but I had to go inside to fetch me a brandy and sour (and get away from the scary biker dude who was rubbing my nipple), so I cut it short.

Well, the bartender gave me this queer look when I ordered my B&S so I grabbed him by the collar and said to him "JOE TUCCI ALWAYS DRINKS BRANDY AND SOUR! YOU TELLIN' JOE TUCCI THAT HE GOT NO TASTE IN BOOZE?!" Mr. Happy Pants bartender politely informed me that this here bar was Irish and that maybe I might like an Irish brew or whiskey. I though a change might be refreshing, so I ordered a Guinness. No Irish whiskey for Joe Tucci: God knows how much Mick piss is in that stugatz!

On my way out I ran into what looked to be a paisan. I'm like "Thank God - there is a guy in this blonde town who knows how to eat!" Then the guy tells me that his last name is "Yost". What? - is that some sort of Pollack name or something? Guy kept telling me he was from Brooklyn, so I guess he was OK.

So I go back out at the patio, and I see this hot chick. The Head tells me she owns a bar, she's running for Governor, and I ain't seeing no ring on her finger. So I'm about to make my move when this scary broad who looked like some sort of evil enormous weeble walks up to her and starts bending her ear for like a half hour. Gab gab gab gab gab gab. The evil giant weeble would not shut up. So I figured I'd just bide my time and hit on the Governor babe later.

So I go over to what The Head tells me is the "liberal table." Joe Tucci is down with that. I don't care who you vote for, what you look like or if you're a fanook, just as long as you pay off your gambling debts (And I did see one of those welchers at about this time). So anyways I sit down and talked to these folks for quite a while. There was this guy and his wife (who I could tell wanted me) and a stooge sitting there. The stooge started getting angry when the guy and I started talking about Rush. As if I wanna talk about The Black Eyed Peas or Menudo or whatever gay-ass stugatz that dude listens to. Shesh!

So anyways, I start going over to that other guy and his wife that I met when I first got there, and sure enough the evil gi-normous weeble chick's talking to them now. Some bullshit about the County Commissioner race. I could tell they were real interested. Apparently the scary evil giant weeble doesn't know that you don't start buying county commissioners until after the election. What a dumbass.

So then I run into this guy named "Mitch" and his date. This chick was hot, and I could tell that she was out of this Mitch guy's league. You see, Joe Tucci knows how to please a lady.

NOTE FROM LEARNEDFOOT: I have excised the next five paragraphs where Joe Tucci describes in some detail his animal magnetism and sexual prowess.

And so I says to the guy, I says "You gotta smack that ass!" That's how Joe Tucci rolls.

After that, I want to go and talk to the Governor chick again, and guess what? The Evil Gigantic Foking Weeble is chewing her ear off again. This is one obsessive weeble I says to myself.

So then I go back inside the bar and end up talking to some guy, some other guy, this one guy who was sitting with these two other guys, some guy who called himself "Doctor," this guy who was with his wife and these two teenaged chicks (and I'm all like "Whoa! Sixteen will get you 20"), and this one pansy-ass white boy who wanted to take a picture of my hand. I hightailed it back out to the patio after that shit, where I ran into another guy with a real fuzzy head.

So I remember about that first guy I met when I got there, and about how he was some econ prof or some such. As I am the proprietor of the midwest's best textbook wholesaling concern, I wanted to tell him that I could get him a real good deal on some Microeconomics texts that just happened to fall off a truck right in front of my warehouse. So I start going back over to his table.

The foking evil giant weeble is there, bending his ear.

I had had enough. I hopped into my Escalade and headed back to the hotel.

So that's how it went down.

Your pal,

Joe Tucci.

I wonder if this guy would be willing to blog...