Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Fun KAR Kontest!

The first person to answer the following quetion correctly will have his or her name entered into a drawing in which they may or may not win a KAR Thong.*

What's wrong with this article?

HINT: The trouble has to do with its headline:

Controversy gnaws at Ellison lead.

More later, maybe, once someone figures it out.



* Don't count on your name getting drawn.

UPDATE: If nobody answers, I'm just going to assume you are all stupid rather than merely disengaged.

UPDATE 2: The mayor gets it:

There has been no polling released to show Ellison is leading.

How can an article proclaim that Ellison's "lead" has been gnawed at as fact, when: A) the article contains no data, poll or otherwise, illustrating such; and 2) as far as I can discern, neither the PiPress nor the Strib have published any poll results from the fifth district, ever.

Which raises a whole bunch of other questions, especially where the Strib is concerned.

That's some good journalism there!

Enjoy your thong Andy!

StonerBlogging: Coming Down

I just read that last post. The incoherence. The flightiness. The gnat-like attention span. The disconnection from reality. Disgraceful.

I also looked at the parts of that post that I wrote. And while my prose - in contrast to the Moron Mailers featured therein - was amusing, uplifting, funny, enlightening, not particularly angry and orange, I realize that fat, drunk and stoned is no way to run a ThunderJournal. Especially so in this day and age when you routinely are alerted to things like this. And while it's much easier to apprehend the Strib's candidate endorsements when in an altered state, it's probably a better policy to not attempt to understand them, and just go on ignoring them. So I am going to start laying off the doobie.

Plus I gained, like, 30 pounds.

Stoned Moron Mail

Dude.

I need to tell you something...

Shhhhhhhhh.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I think Tim O' Brien is everywhere.

He's everywhere! He's even picking which letters to print in the Pi Press now, judging by inexplicable stupidity and outright DFL talking-point barfing in the letters today:

We need change

If you thought you voted for values in the last couple of elections, take an accounting of what we got instead: lies, corruption, an unjust war, Abu Ghraib, leaders who can't grasp what an outrage against humanity might be, government for the very rich, and there's more. The Bush brand of conservatism has failed us in the war against terror, in Iraq, at home with Katrina, it's failing our children, and there isn't much we're united about anymore. We need change; we need it now, starting with this election.

THOMAS L. BONERCOWSKI
Mendota Heights


Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Howard Dean called - he wants his talking points back. It's like the same letter that's run every single day in the Strib for the past 4 years.

No. I'm being paranoid.

Who's that???!!! Another one????

I don't know which God told Michele Bachmann to run for office, but it couldn't have been the Christian one.

Dude. I'm beginning to think that Tim O'Brien and his favorite correspondents don't like God. Or anyone who publicly proclaims a belief in Him.

God is, like, so deep and stuff.

Ponder that.

























Fell asleep. Sorry.

Her proposal to replace the income tax with a 23 percent sales tax is not only a bad idea, but also an immoral one.

Why have God tell us what's moral and immoral when we can have some uninformed nimrod from St. Paul do it instead?!!!

Dude. Seriously. You are really beginning to harsh my mellow.

Taxing low-income people 23 percent of their consumption is taxing them on most, if not all, of their income, as they spend almost everything on basic needs.

Now, I may be stoned off my gourd right now, but even I know that this assertion is 100% USDA Choice Dry Aged, tender, juicy and exquisitely marbled bullshit.

For some reason, I could really go for a steak and a beer right now.

Taxing the elite 23 percent of their consumption is to tax them on a very small percentage of their total income.

How is taxing the poor 23 percent of everything they make and the elite 23 percent of only 3 percent to 4 percent of their total income fair or Christian?

How is lying to the public via the PiPress (with the willing help of Tim O'Brien - I'm on to you mister! - under the supervision of the Reverse Vampires, and at the direction of the Rand Corporation) "fair" or "Christian"? And how far up your ass did you have to reach to pull out this rhetorical turd anyway?

"Rhetorical turd." Heh.

Heh.

Hehehehehe
hehehehehhehehehe
hehehehehhehehehehehehehe
hehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehe
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hehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

hehe

*snort* *snort*

*SNORT*

hehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
hehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
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hehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
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hehehehehhehehehehehehehehehe
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hehehehehhehe



Ow. My tummy hurts.

Typical right-wing tax strategy: tax breaks for the elite at the expense of the poor and middle class.

Typical left wing strategy: mischaracterize the truth, dissemble, remain willfully ignorant, lie your big, stinking, poopy butt off and put it all into a letter to the editor that your bagman, Tim O'Brien will dutifully publish (pursuant to his Standing Order from the DFL and the Trilateral Commission!)

DAVE BONER
St. Paul


Dude. Nice name.

I'm going to go hide in a closet for the next several hours so Tim O'Brien can't beam his Thought Control Ray into my brain.

You Know That One Song Where

that chick just basically sings "woohoo" over and over again?

I hate that fucking song.

mORE bAKED bLOGGING

Yesterday's journey to the center of my mind was so much fun, I think I'll jusrt stay lit all week. Fortunately, my good pal Joe Tucci, who's been working security as a private contractor in Afghanistan (he tells me that "things got a little too hot" stateside), gots me hooked up.

Let's



get



fluffy!

Monday, October 30, 2006

In Which LearnedFoot Gets Stoned and Endorses Candidates

The time has come for the institutional voice of KAR (me) to part the clouds and impart unto you what you should think and for whom you should vote. Taking a cue from the editorialists from both our fine big city dailies, I shall first smoke a large doobie before composing my endorsements.

*snork*

*snooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork*

*poot* *coff* *coff*

...

*snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork*

...

ohkay. less beeginn

STAR TRIBUNUNE EDITORIAL BOARD:

KAR endorses Jim Ron Carey.

This first endorsement will come as a shock to longtime readers of the Strib, primarily because the editorial board is not an elected post. But still there may be some shareholders out there of whichever company it is that owns the Strib now, who may be able to elect directors who can influence some hiring decisions. So to those shareholders, I say "vote for those guys."

Readers may also be nonplussed, as our endorsement runs against the far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far (*smacks self on side of head*) left wing institutional bias on Portland Avenue. And while most observers agree that Howard Dean or Brian Malenendnendz -(or whatver the hell his name is) would be a much "better fit" with the Strib's philosophy, that criterion has never stopped the Strib from endorsing candidates that are so very out of whack with their respective districts.

And in any event, electing Howard Dean or Wendy "Blow Job" Wilde to the Strib editorial board would effect absolutely no change from its current editorial direction. And "change" is something all those TV commercials keep telling me to vote for.

While the other right-wing candidate, Andy Aplihvcowskjee is certainly an attractive candidate -a Republican idealogue and self-admitted party hack - he lacks the experience and tolerance to mind-altering drugs required for this position at this time.

one moment...

*snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork*

*fleeahhh*

onn too teh nixt endorsesesesesementtt:

SOME OBSCURE WAY-DOWNBALLOT COMMISSIONER OR JUDICIAL POSITION IN ST. PAUL:

KAR endorses Moonchild.

The intensely hyperactive scion of the KAR fortune is the best write-in candidate for whichever office Mitch Berg's cat, Nosemarie Berg, is campaigning. I'm thinking a district court judgeship here or something.

If everybody in the St. Paul Midway district votes for Moonchild for all those obscure offices with unaffiliated candidates nobody has ever heard of before, I think Moonchild has a legitimate shot at beating the feline with the offensively foo foo name; even though Moonchild doesn't live in the district.

MAYOR OF EAGAN, MN

KAR endorses Moonchild.

Let's face it; you'd rather have a psychotic two year old running Minnesota's 8th-largest city than a guy who fancies himself an old salt. As an added plus, like St. Paul, Moonchild doesn't live in Eagan either.

*snooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork*

*wheeeeeeeee*

US SENATE, MINNESOTA

KAR endorses Nicko McBrain.

Well, duh.

*snork* *snork*

HENNEPIN COUNTY BOARD OF COMMISSIONERS

KAR endorses Iron Maiden.

Except for Nicko. He'll be too busy serving in the Senate.

LUNCH

KAR endorses four large pizzas with pepperoni, mushrooms and extra sauce with Cool Ranch Doritos crumbled up on top of them.

It's a no-McBrainer.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Dereliction of duty?

A little help with this one, please.

Not being an attorney, let alone a prosecutor, I will gladly be put back on the right track, but this guy prosecuting the Duke Lacrosse rape case seems to me to be a candidate a good ass kicking by his boss.

The district attorney prosecuting three Duke lacrosse players accused of raping a woman at a team party said during a court hearing Friday that he still hasn't interviewed the accuser about the facts of the case.

"I haven't talked with her about the facts of that night. ... We're not at that stage yet."

NOT AT THAT STAGE YET?

When does the “interview the accuser” stage begin? Is it before or after hell freezes over?

How in the hell can 7 months have passed without someone from the DA’s office formally interviewing the accuser?

If I’m one of the accused in this case, it would be time to storm the DA’s office with torches and pitchforks.

Seven months. S-E-V-E-N MONTHS and the only thing Nifong has been curious about is whether the still unnamed accuser took Ecstasy the night of the “rape” (probably looking for a supplier) because “that’s all I needed to know.”

Nice investigatory technique. One question every seven months and he should be to the bottom of this case in approximately 20 years.

So much for a having a Constitutional Right to a speedy trial. I’d petition the court to have the case thrown out on those grounds alone. Not to mention the fact that Nifong is a Nilrod.

I like the word, “nilrod”. I’m going to submit it to Webster’s for the next edition.

Sudoku Haiku

Cursed sudoku!
Vile number matrix from hell!
Addict me no more!

Shut Up and Blog

JB Doubtless' dream girls, the Dixie Chicks, have a new Hey-Look-At-What-Martyrs-We-Are fawnumentary coming out called "Shut Up and Sing." As part of the publicity blitz, they've set up a blog.

You can visit said blog to uncover such pearls of wisdom as:

NO WAY!

If there were limits on FREE speech that would be ridiculous!


Yes that would indeed be...rediculous!

Oh, that's not the best part. The best part is...

...anyone can blog there.

FUN GAME! See if you can find my post.

UPDATE: The Koslings have discovered the site, and are now using it to barf out their half-witted propaganda on the world.

So here's my post; probably buried on the third page by now.

UPDATE 2: Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Snark On

First, I'd like to thank everyone who commented, e-mailed or posted their kind words for Mrs. Foot and me. Both of us appreciate them more than you know.

One comment does require highlighting, though. It read in part:

Time to put the snark on the back burner

No. KAR began as a therapeutic outlet and remains one. I love to write about things I find amusing or rant at morons. If ever I needed to make myself laugh (if only myself), or vent my spleen, it is now. So I will sally forth because I need KAR more than ever. The snark (actually I prefer "churlish mirth and jockularity") shall continue unabated. It will be on the front and the back burners. And the side burners. And the afterburner. In fact I am going to douse the snark with gasoline so that all the various burners ignite said snark with the resulting fire perhaps spreading to the curtains and... er..

I'm sorry. The metaphor kind of got away from me, and I'd like to bail out of it now.

Which reminds me: lost in all the poopy emotions of yesterday was Moonchild's second birthday. Yes, the "terrible twos" are just now beginning. Pity us.

In any event, Moonchild and I will celebrate the Big Oh-Two in a fashion typical of the boys in the Foot household:



Thursday, October 26, 2006

A Lovesong for Sparky

WARNING: This post is not funny.

Life is good. Mrs. Foot and I have two beautiful children possessed with an abundance of personality (or, in the case of Moonchild, just possessed). A nice house. I am enjoying a fine career, and Mrs. Foot recently became able to quit her job and stay home with the kids - something she has wanted to do for some time.

Yesterday, she called me at work. The biopsy results arrived. She has cancer.

And so the world transforms - obviously moreso for her than for me. Things that seemed bothersome or joyful yesterday fade into the background and our attentions focus on a new, more immediate purpose. Nothing else matters, and it causes one to pause and reflect on whether some of those things ever should have mattered.

It's a profound question.

But some of those things do. If one is to survive and cherish life to its very core, one must also enjoy it's banalities, its annoyances and its simple pleasures. This blog is one of those simple pleasures for me, and is here to stay for now.

But of paramount importance is the well-being and comfort of the love of my life, the mother of my children, and a person who elevates everyone around her. And while she has to bear the physical pain, and screw up all the determination to fight this thing herself, she must know that she's not alone. I hope she does.

It shouldn't be any other way. Because life is good.

Poop jokes tomorrow. Right now, I can hardly type.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

R.T. Rybak on public safety

He’s really quite amazing, the mayor of Minneapolis is. His commentary piece printed in today’s Star & Sickle is a screaming example of displaced blame for cutting the police force in Minnesota’s largest and most liberal city.

His argument blaming governor for the cut back would be laughable if it wasn’t such a pathetic attempt to cover his own ass:

State budget cuts have resulted in significantly fewer resources for public safety in Minneapolis.

No. Reductions in local government aid (LGA) resulted in less money going to the city. You and your fellow Leftist morons on the City Council decided to cut the public safety budget you misleading sack of mismatched socks shit.

Following these state budget cuts Minneapolis lost nearly 100 officers and was forced to reduce our police force from 893 in 2002 to 796 sworn officers by 2004.

Minneapolis didn’t lose nearly 100 officers, you and your fellow Leftist morons on the City Council decided to cut the public safety budget resulting in the necessity to fire them you lying sack of mismatched socks shit.

In the face of state budget cuts, more of the responsibility to fund police has been carried by Minneapolis property taxpayers.

Q: Does it surprise you and your fellow Leftists morons that the cities taxpayers should be responsible for funding its own police force?

A: Yes, because you love central government and the city ain’t central enough for you and your fellow morons on the left.

In 2002, 37 percent of funding for public safety in Minneapolis was from property taxes and 55 percent was from state aid. By 2007 those numbers will have reversed, with 64 percent of funding for public safety coming from property taxes and only 37 percent from state aid.

So figure out how to make it work. That’s why you were elected. Well, actually, you were elected because the people believed you were the best suited to advance the cause of Socialism in Minneapolis.

Grow up and stop whining. It’s not very becoming a mayor. Even a Socialist one.

Global-warmers gone wild

Al Gore is a condescending prick. If he’s ever elected President, he would be the second over-active prick to hold the Oval Office. Or is that the second over-active prick to be held in the Oval Office?

His being the first.

This is what Al-boy thinks about a sitting US Congressman and others who don’t buy into his global warming hysterical bullshit:

"C'mon! And this man [Republican Rep. Dave Reichert's of Washington] asked Gore. "You know, 15 percent of people believe the moon landing was staged on some movie lot and a somewhat smaller number still believe the Earth is flat. They get together on Saturday night and party with the global-warming deniers."

I wonder if the lard-assed, private-jet flying, failed-presidential candidate is willing to actually debate the subject of global warming instead of simply burning thousands of gallons of fossil fuel - apparently a huge contributor to the world-destroying global warming crisis – crisscrossing the globe in an attempt to make himself relevant?

Look at the way he operates: always in front of a friendly crowd. You gotta know this guy’s people get offers every day to have him take part in a real debate on the subject, but they obviously have orders to turn them down.

A wise move, I might add, considering Al’s propensity to tell half-truths and flat out lies in order to support his position.

This just in…British Foreign Secretary goes stark raving mad:

Foreign Secretary calls for 'global warming' tax on holidaymakers

What the hell is going on with these people?

Mrs Beckett urged Brussels to speed up plans to enforce the levy on airlines to encourage them to fly more fuel-effecient planes and deter people from travelling by air.

Coal-fired steam ships anyone? Or shall we get the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria out of dry dock? Maybe a really long bridge over the Atlantic that can carry a train will do the trick.

Al and Margaret are doing a great job of showing the global-warming believers to be anti-progress, anti-human zealots who want to push us back to the medieval age. The same time period, coincidentally, when the religion Islam ceased to progress.

Hmmm.

LEARNEDFOOT ASKS: Um, Dementee? You do read KAR, don't you?

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About How Al Gore's Own Rhetoric Actually Proves That Belief in Man-Made Global Warming Is a Religion

It can't be all coincidence
Too many things are evident
You tell me "you're an unbeliever!"
Spiritualist? Well me - I'm neither
But wouldn't you like to know
The truth
Of what's out there, to have the proof
And find out just which side
You're on? --Iron Maiden

(That's from one of the best IM tunes IMHO.)

The Church of Global Warming Mass was held in Seattle this week:

Environmental policy took center stage in this year's congressional races on Tuesday, with candidates for U.S. Senate holding dueling news conferences across the state and former Vice President Al Gore expressing incredulity at Republican Rep. Dave Reichert's views on global warming.

At a Seattle University conference room, Democratic Sen. Maria Cantwell - flanked by Gore and Reichert's Democratic challenger, Darcy Burner - cited her legislation to end subsidies to oil companies and refocus energy policy on alternative fuels.

"We want to get on with this revolution," she said.

When visiting Seattle last week, I was subjected to approximately 34,957 hours of Burner TV ads. I can say withouequivocationon that she makes Patty Wetterling looks substantive, Keith Ellison look jolly, and Colleen Rowley look sane. If Washington sends this mirthless harpie to Congress she will be an embarrassment to anyone represented by a Congressperson.

Have your revolution without me, ballsack.

But be that as it may, let's skip down to the fun part:

Most of the laughs from the crowd of about 100 students and alternative energy entrepreneurs at the Seattle University event came when Gore talked about Reichert's beliefs about global warming.

Whoa! You mean there's money in this whole greenhouse gas-caused global warming thing? Who knew? Next, you'll be telling me that there are scores and scores of scientists who are getting gi-normous private and government grants to research human-caused climate change and the "remedies" for it! You silly goose!

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels, who introduced the speakers, said Reichert doesn't think climate change is caused by humans.

"Did he say that?" interrupted Gore, whose film about global warming, "An Inconvenient Truth," grossed $23.7 million. "He's not sure it's caused by humans?"

"He's not convinced that it's caused by human beings," responded Nickels.

"C'mon! And this man is a United States congressman?" asked Gore. "You know, 15 percent of people believe the moon landing was staged on some movie lot and a somewhat smaller number still believe the Earth is flat. They get together on Saturday night and party with the global-warming deniers."

You tell me "you're an unbeliever!" A flat-earther?

Well me, I'm neither.

Is it heresy to point out that there is empirical proof that the earth is round and that man has walked on the moon? That their proof is...what? That temperatures and carbon gas levels have risen dramatically since more accurate technology has been made available to measure temperature and and carbon gas levels? More intense hurricane seasons?

Well, that was last year. This year, you will note that the number of lefty bloggers hailing the latest tropical storm to form with tongue-clucking smugness is way way down.

It's faith. A hypothesis. Not even theory. Its the transposition of correlation and causation. The earth is 4.5 billion years old. It has warmed, cooled, and warmed again throughout that history. It has been witness to magnificent and horrific meteorlogical and geological upheavals. It has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time.

Oops. Kind of slid off into a Field of Dreams quote there. Sorry 'bout that. But you get the point.

It's simple really. Look at the rhetoric surrounding the subject. "She doesn't believe in global warming." "I believe that carbon loading of the atmosphere is going to cause the ice caps to melt!" "He's a denier."

I always thought that science was of the realm of thought, not belief; the search for fact rather than truth. But the language used by the shills (admittedly almost all non-scientists) tends to highlight their agenda far more than their intellect.

When people like that famous Journalism student and law and divinity school dropout Al Gore start lecturing as though they're experts on historical climate science, it's best to just treat them like like that nut job on the corner of 15th and University who keeps telling you the end is nigh. Just nod slowly and smile; and try to avoid making eye contact.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Doug Grow Is the Hammer of DFL Conformity

And, oddly enough, 47 term DFL Congressman Martin Olav Sabo is today's nail.

The older I get, the more I understand how difficult it is to age gracefully.

But watching Martin Olav Sabo in the final weeks of his distinguished political career is another reminder that, hard as it is, accepting change is a worthy pursuit.

SNEAK PREVIEW: You don't know this yet, but as you read on you'll find that on Planet DFL Doug, "not accepting change" means opposing giving an ethically challenged symbol of the dementia that has seized your party a seat in Congress.

Sabo, for 28 years the Democratic congressman from Minnesota's Fifth District, has opted to leave office pouting. His personal choice to replace him, Mike Erlandson, twice was rejected by the party in favor of Keith Ellison.

Oh, he's "pouting," is he? Did it ever occur to Doogie that maybe Ellison is a bit to off the charts batshit nuts for even a lifelong DFL stalwart like Sabo?

It matters not to Doogie. All that matters is one of the sheep is - ever so slightly - wandering from the flock.

Sabo, 68, apparently has taken this as a personal insult. Not only has he refused to endorse Ellison for the seat, but he has also had his photo taken with an Ellison foe, the Independence Party's Tammy Lee, who has been using the photo in her campaign mailings. It also is prominently displayed on her website (tammyleeforcongress.com).

Well, anyone with a functioning brain should take the nomination of an ethically challenged neo-Marxist crusading bigot (HA! I can use that word too!) as an insult to the august body that is the House of Representatives. It's like the people far far far far far left-wing kool aid drinking Kos Kidz who caucused in the 5th district were sending out a big FU to the sanity and small-M moderation that Sabo - as liberal as he is - represented.

The photo is not supposed to be seen as an official endorsement. Lee, who met with Sabo on Oct. 4, said she didn't ask for that.

"You never want to ask the question you won't get the right answer to," Lee said.

Instead, she asked Sabo if she could have her photo taken with him -- and if she could use that photo in her campaign literature. He agreed, Lee said.

"Some people are calling this the silent endorsement," Lee said. "Others are saying it's the Norwegian endorsement."

Or, you might call it the gutless endorsement.

For those keeping track, the former DFL Congressman For Life Marty Sabo is:

1) Thin-skinned (the whole taking-Ellison's-endorsement-as-an-insult thing, pouting, etc.); &

2) Gutless.

..because Sabo possibly (remember - he hasn't said boo about it) doesn't believe that the DFL endorsed psychopath ought to be in Congress. That right there is high heresy to a party hack like Grow.

And that was just a running tally, there's more.

Sabo is not commenting on what the photo means, or why he refuses to support Ellison. Erlandson, a former state DFL chair, also has refused to comment on his refusal to support the man who defeated him at the party's endorsing convention in May and again in last month's primary.

Certainly, Sabo and his failed heir have a right to support whomever they want. And of course, Ellison is a flawed candidate.

And of course, you'd never know that if you only got your info from Doug Grow.

Still, Sabo's snit

So now, having your picture taken with someone running against the DFL machine is a "snit". Refusing to come out and endorse someone explicitly is a "snit".

Just as an irrelevant shot: Doogie has been known to throw snits of his own (the real kind - not the kind that he makes up to smear someone who has parted - ever so slightly - from his party's orthodoxy).

smacks of a man who has spent too much time in Washington.

...except Grow wouldn't have been able to vote for him fast enough had he run for another term, if and provided that Sabo ran under the DFL banner.

He seems to believe he's more important than the party that always supported him.


INSULT TALLY

The story so far...

The soon to be retired Glorious DFL Hero of the 5th Marty Sabo is:

1) Thin skinned;

2) Gutless

3) A childish snit-thrower

4) Out of touch ("...spent too much time in Washington")

5) Arrogant

How did this guy ever win 96 terms?

This snub can't be about the way Ellison has treated Sabo. Frustrated as he must be, Ellison hasn't stopped singing Sabo's praises.

Ah. Enter the honorable, reasonable, and oh-so-gallant former Nation of Islam shill and all around scofflaw. Er, I mean, the DFL endorsed candidate.

"I've always admired him," Ellison said two days after last spring's convention. "He's been a great representative and a great role model."

There remains a photo of Ellison standing with Sabo in Ellison's campaign office.
Ellison has never given up trying to get Sabo's support.


Waiiiiiiit one cotton-pickin' minute. There's a picture of Sabo posing with Ellison????? Was that a snit too?

"He's spoken to him in the last three weeks," said Ellison spokeswoman Bridget Cusick. "There's nothing negative; he's just not going to endorse."

This snub likely will have little impact on the race. Nobody ever has called Sabo "Old Coattails."


INSULT SCOREBOARD

With a mere 3 paragraphs left to go, according to Doogie, Marty Sabo - a man who arrived on America's shores aboard a Viking trireme some 100 years before Columbus made his famous voyage, and shortly thereafter, began his first term in the House as a DFLer - is:

1) Thin skinned

2) Gutless

3) A childish snit-thrower

4) Out of touch

5) Arrogant

6) Ineffectual

The congressman was constantly at Erlandson's side in the DFL primary campaign, yet Erlandson got only 30 percent of the vote.

Sabo's coattails also were tattered in 2003 when another of his aides, Olin Moore, was in a Minneapolis City Council race with Don Samuels. Moore had pictures of himself with Sabo. Samuels had a victory.

In the end, Sabo's position is about how the old order changeth, but not often with grace.

INSULT SCORE BOARD - FINAL

Marty Sabo, inventor of the telescope and DFL Congressman for the 5th district for some 90 bazillion Congresses is:

1) Thin skinned

2) Gutless

3) A childish snit-thrower

4) Out of touch

5) Arrogant

6) Ineffectual

7) An old coot who is failing to age gracefully...

Because he refuses to endorse the DFL corronated carbon-based life-form who wishes to take over his seat.

Methinks the columnist doth impugn too much, if you know what I mean.

BOBO CONCEDES!!!!!!


Facing an insurmountable lead by challenger Andy Applecowskee, Bobo the Chimp has conceded the election. You can hear Bobo's concession speech here.

You won't have Bobo the chimp to kick around any more. Until next year.

Congratulations to our new Mayor. His one year term begins...


...

...

...

...

NOW!

I can't wait to see his cabinet appointments. Let the sex scandals begin!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Dumbest Comment in the History of KAR

And that's saying something, since 95% of KAR's regular commenters are knock-down plastered when they submit comments. It's hard to type when you've got a bad case of the DTs.

So let's give the benefit of the doubt to this life-form, who was likely suffering from the effects of a ton of foreign substances along with a complete lack of anything resembling a life when commenting on the thread to this post:

Yawn. If MinMon did one thing great today, it's getting KAR to waste a little life energy on this snoozefest of a post. All in an attempt to bring down a site that does something a whole lot closer to journalism than this site. Way to go!

The commenter then goes on to detail the debilitating mental defects of his or her STD, give his / her IP adddress, and complain about an abundance of small furry rodents in his / her sphincter.

Why do the hostile commenters on KAR always feel the need to do such things?

It's been so long since I had a troll comment this absurd - no doubt because they've all been so terribly busy getting treated for various personality disorders, or spending copious amounts of time in emergency rooms gettuing various objects extracted from their rectums (at least that's what their comments suggest). But it's reassuring to note that they still follow the same predictable pattern. To wit:

1) Expressions of boredom:

Yawn....this snoozefest of a post.

For all the times some moonbat has dubbed a post - or the entire contents of this blog for that matter - "boring," a "yawner," "snoozefest" etc., you would think that the traffic levels of a blog as boring as KAR apparently is would be somewhere in the neighborhood of Yowling at the Fencepost. Happily, it's not.

2) Proclaimations of time wasted / the target of the KAR post is so much cleverer because it got me to divert resources, thereby harming my ability to advance the agenda of Karl Rove / The Neocons / The Rand Corporation, or whatever:

If MinMon did one thing great today, it's getting KAR to waste a little life energy on this snoozefest of a post.

Yes, I wasted all that "life energy" that could have been otherwise dedicated to more vital pursuits like:

Dirty song parodies;

Recipe fisking;

Holding fake elections featuring a talking chimp;

Ripping on letters to the editor;

Meditations on the wisdom of Iron Maiden;

Fantasizing about vaporizing assholes that drive below the speed limit in the left lane;

Writing haikus;

Photoshopping the Nihilist in Golf Pants into Brokeback Mountain vignettes;

and so on...

3) Groundless insult borne of ignorance:

All in an attempt to bring down a site that does something a whole lot closer to journalism than this site.

See number 2. If KAR ever begins to resemble journalism, it's time to piss on the campfire and call in the dogs. But you wouldn't know that if you were a hate-filled spittle-flecking dumbassed jerkass douchebag bonerheaded worm who has nothing better to do than to spend life-force leaving embarrassing comments in some blog that you obviously never read.

Nice life ya have there, Pert!

And thanks for the material.

October Surprises

The polls have opened in the mayoral runoff, and will remain open until Wednesday morning.

Andy has been slinging mud since day one of the election cycle. And while mud is a fine thing to throw at an opponent, its effectiveness pales in comparison to a candidate who flings poop.

The Bobo campagin has just alerted me to a disturbing organization that has endorsed Andy.

Do you really want to vote for a guy who is so popular with these lowlifes?

Friday, October 20, 2006

RUNOFF!!!

The votes have been tabulated and all precincts have reported. In the main event - the race for Mayor...

We have a tie!

Both Andy "Teh Fuzzy-Headed Freak" Aplicowski and Bobo the Foul-Mouthed Chimp led all candidates, getting 38 votes apiece. While Leo Pastacannelloni did manage to get 47 votes, 30 of those were cast by himself in a single 10 hour period. His vote total has been amended accordingly. The runoff election between Andy and Bobo will commence Monday.

To the rest of the candidates who were unable to get out the vote, I say: shame on you. You all are an embarrassment to the MOB. The lot of you are a bunch of rediculous loosers. From Swiftee who had so much enthusiastic support at the beginning of the campaign only to piss it all away; to Ryan, who did what he does best: laying a big, juicy turd.

For shame.

Here are the final vote totals:



Now go lick your wounds and start putting together an exploratory committee for the 2007 election.

MEET YOUR NEW SOIL AND WATER COMMISSIONER!

The downballot race for MOB Soil & Water Commissioner didn't garner as much interest as the mayoral race. But still, Sisyphus walks away from the race with a convincing 60% to 40% mandate. It didn't hurt that his opponent was one of the worst candidates for any office ever in the history of the universe.

Congratulations Sisyphus on your new office. You may proudly display the Great Seal of the Office of Soil and Water Commissioner on your ThunderJournal:

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Minnesota Monitor Reveals Inaccuracies

Well, no. That title should be: LearnedFoot Reveals Minnesota Monitor's Inaccuracies.

In what is ostensibly another excuse to yet again rehash Michele Bachmann's speech at Living Word Church (where - lest we forget - Bachmann did nothing wrong other than her over-the-top Born Again "Yay God!" speechifying, which was a bit too much for this blogger), one of the Soros-funded drones thinks he's found a gotcha. In the extremely poorly-titled post (on so many levels) captioned "Bachmann Resume Reveals Inaccuracies" a Soros bobo reveals:

God may have called Michele Bachmann to run for Congress in the Sixth District, as she purported, but there's nothing particularly Godly about her biography. She claims to have co-founded the first charter school in the nation. At best, that's an embellishment on the truth.

The charter school, New Heights, located in Bachmann's hometown, Stillwater, was established in 1993, according to Minnesota Association of Charter Schools. The first charter school in the nation, founded a year earlier, is City Academy High School in St. Paul.

Oh man! Pwn3d! Bachmann lied!!!!!!! Of course I will take George Soros' sugar baby at his word.

Er, no. No I won't. This is the relevant passage from Bachmann's bio:

During this time Bachmann and other local parents founded the first K-12 charter school in the nation, New Heights Charter School, which is still operating in Stillwater today.

"But how," you ask, "does that smack down this Soros mouthpiece's assertion? This is KAR, dammit! I gotta have have some smacking down!"

And others might ask: "Why bother looking into it? After all, MinMon is a product of the New Journalist Program - a program which holds itself to a strict code of ethics. In addition it's well researched quasi journalism. Or so the Soros sugar babies keep telling me!"

No. It's quasi-researched non journalism. As in: blogging. As in: the same crap these folks did for free before Gorge Soros started throwing hundies at them.

OK. I've gone so far afield with the rhetorical devices, let's reset that quote from Bachmann's bio again; this time with my emphasis:

During this time Bachmann and other local parents founded the first K-12 charter school in the nation, New Heights Charter School, which is still operating in Stillwater today.

And that other school? The one that George Soros' sock puppet claims was actually the first charter school in the nation? Well it was. But it is a high school (or at least an approximation thereof, since it doesn't believe in grade levels); not a K-12 school.

The math and reading tests are targeted at students
performing at an 8th grade level, and because City Academy is a high school, all incoming
students should have passed both tests
. (.pdf Link - appears on pg. 11.)

So please, Mr. George Soros Well-Researched Ethical New Journalist: please tell me more about "inaccuracies".

UPDATE: Ha! just did a spell check. It flagged the word "MinMon." Know what the spell checker's first suggested spelling was?

"minion"

Priceless.

Moron Mail

I don't know why, but this one just seemed to jump out at me:

God's endorsement?

Churches intruding into affairs of state are a danger. Other pastors may be quelled in enthusiasm, and that would be good.

Huh?

All your base our mine!

The situation regarding Living Word Christian Center and the Rev. Mac Hammond will be resolved after election day.

Well, probably, well after election day. The IRS isn't known for it's speediness.

And, by the way, I hope they nail him. I've seen Mac Hammond on TV before. He strikes me as nothing more than a svelte Jerry Falwell in a nicer suit. I'm not a big fan of The Church of What's Happenin' Now and its ilk. And since we try to avoid matters of religion and religious doctrine on this here ThunderJournal, I'll just leave it at that.

Voters knowing facts and reaching informed choice is the immediate worry.

And we all know that an objective observer, like this correspondent, will gather all the facts necessary to inform his vote, rather than merely wallowing in one-sided smears, context-free polemics, and outright mischaracterizations and lies promulgated by a bunch of bottom-feeding self-esteem deprived losers who worship at the altar of politics.

Or... maybe not.

The bottom-line story: Today's clear and present danger is not a politician being endorsed by churches. The danger is politician Michele Bachmann thinking herself endorsed by God.

Dude who taught you how to write? You really suck at it.

So your choice is voting for someone who thinks herself "endorsed by God" (see my remark about context-free mischaracterizations and lies immediately above), or voting for a candidate endorsed by the Obsessive Dumbshits Against Bachmann crowd.

I wish choices were always that easy.

Michele Bachmann is a rediculous looser and a bad tax attorney and a theocrat. Read my blog!

ERIC BONERFACE, RAMSEY

OK. I made up that last graf.

VOTING IRREGULARITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Overnight, non-entity Mayoral "challenger" Leo "da Psycmeister" Pusantonioionini somehow garnered 29 votes. 29 Votes in about 10 hours.

By way of comparison, none of the other candidates have even yet received a total of 29 votes (as of the time of this posting) over the past 2 and a half days.

And let's face it: it's not like Leo has a large, grass-roots base he can mobilize at will.

Suffice it to say: there will likely be one less daygo greaseball ginney wop goomba in this race by lunchtime. A decision as to Leo's candidacy will be coming later.

Developing...

UPDATE: Leo has admitted to fixing the election, and has apologized. Apparently he's just a poseur Goodfella, unlike Joe Tucci (who has suddenly and inexplicably disappeared).

Leo remains in the race, but 30 votes will be deducted from his total. Unfortunately for Leo, that means that any late surge (polls close tomorrow morning, remember) that puts him in the runoff, will be automatically suspect anyway.

Let's stop acting like Democrats, people!

KAR FLASHBACK: Leo shouldn't feel too bad about getting pinched. I smacked down the MAWB Broads pretty hard when they tried to pull similar electoral shenanigans last year.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Childhood banned elementary school

In an effort to completely remove any aspect childhood from her elementary school, Principal Gaylene Heppe has banned tag and touch football from recess because…someone might get hurt.

Have we gone completely in-fucking-sane?

How far do these baby boomer morons intend to go before they give up on their attempts to remove all risk from daily life?

How wimpy are kids becoming because mom and dad hover over them, protecting them from the very stumbles that will make them stronger adults?

Here’s how wimpy:

Another Willett parent, Celeste D'Elia, said her son feels safer because of the rule. "I've witnessed enough near collisions,'' she said.

What she means is her son regularly got his ass kicked while playing tag and is happy that the kids can no longer make fun of him for that.

She’s right. Now he’ll get crucified daily, deservedly so, because he “feels safer” now that tag has been banned.

Any bets he wears a helmet on the playground?

I’m so damned sick and tired of these candy-assed pussies and their I-want-to-live-forever bullshit encroaching on the lives of kids that aren’t even theirs.

Screw up your own little brats, would ‘ya. Leave the rest alone.

I suggest we separate kids into two groupd: tag players and wussies.

While the tag players are running around the playground, the wussies can hunker down in the classroom, dressed bubble wrap suits, listening to their Leftist teacher read “Suzie, her two mommies and the very playful pussy...cat, that is.”

Debriefing

So what the hell just happened there?

At approximately 2100 last night, I received an e-mail from an individual purporting to be Joe Tucci requesting blogging rights on KAR. Since I admired Mr. Tucci's work over at Residual Froces, I didn't think twice about signing him up. I absentmindedly copy & pasted the reply e-mail address into the invite field on KAR's Blogspot account, and sent off the invitation.

Had I been more careful, I would have noticed that, while the e-mail was signed "Joe Tucci," the e-mail was sent from an account named "norwgianliberalyutz (at) gmail.com." There's no way Tucci would use an address like that. You saw what happened next.

Of course, I anticipated that this might happen, and took the proper precautions to mitigate any attack. Given that KAR is a bastion of in-your-face conservative ThunderJournalistic excellence, I knew that we may very well become a target of the Democrat sleaze machine. It seems that many DFL bobos see themselves to be a bunch of cloak-n-dagger double agent super spies, or some such. You may have noticed it too. I mean, once is an anomaly; twice is a coincidence; but three times? That's a pattern.

So keep safe all you conservative bloggers, ThunderJournalists and campaigns. The walls have ears. And armpit hair.

PATTY WETTERLING CARES ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN!!!

Now that I have your attention, you dim-witted Rethuglicans, I have turned off my CAPS lock.

Patty Wetterling will restore honor to the House of representatives. She is the best person to clear out all the Repukelican the child molesters from that chamber, and end the Culture o' Corruption (c). Michele Bachmann will protect child rapists and may even kjzsdgnkljgnavasre
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DEMENTEE HERE: HELLO KAR NATION!!!! DEMENTEE TAKE CARE OF MOONBAT INFESTATION!!!! SINCE YOU NOT ABLE TO TELL WHAT DEMENTEE DO TO MOONBAT, ME DESCRIBE FOR YOU:

FIRST DEMENTEE MOONBAT RIP ARMS OUT OF SOCKETS!!!! THEN RIP LEGS OUT OF SOCKETS!!! THEN DEMENTEE LIGHT SIGNAL FLARE AND SHOVE LIT FLARE UP MOONBAT ANUS!!!! FINALLY, DEMENTEE TIE UP MOONBAT AND FEED TO RATS!!!!

DEMENTEE NOW RETURN YOU TO REGULAR KAR PROGRAMMING!!!!!

Attention KARnies

KAR has been hacked by a DFL staffer. Don't panic.

The intruder changed my password. Fortunately, I installed a backdoor - although I probably whould have guessed the changed password anyway on the second or third try ("BushisHitler").

Let's fumigate this house. Dementee: implement Plan 69A.

And make it a Kuklinski; with extreme predjudice.

YOU FAR RIGHT WING WINGNUTS ARE ALL A BUNCH OF REDICULOUS LOOSERS!!!

I HAVE HACKED INTO THIS BLOG TO INFORM YOU THAT THE DEMOCRAT PARTY IS THE HOME OF UPSTANDING ETHICS! AND ALSO TO TELL YOU WINGNUTS THAT AMY KLOBUCHAR IS THE BESTEST PROSECUTOR EVAH!

AND - OH NO! - ACCORDING TO A NEW, TOTALLY RELIABLE POLL, IT APPEARS THAT THAT LOONY RIGHT-WING THEOCRAT HARPIE BITCH MICHELE BACHMANN IS GOING TO LOSE TO THE SENSITIVE, CARING AND ETHICAL PATTY WETTERLING (WHO'S SO TOTALLY NOT A DEMAGOGUE LIKE THAT THEOCRAT BACHMANN).

YOU ALL SUCK!!!!

Go Vikings!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

RUSH CAN TEACH US A LOT ABOUT HOW THIS DFL OPERATIVE HAS INFILTRATED THE KOOLAID REPORT

ATTENTION ALL PLANETS OF THE SOLAR FEDERATION:
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL -RUSH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

KAR IS NOW THE PROPERTY OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY!

THE TIME HAS COME TO END THIS HATE-SPEWING HATE SITE!!!!!

KNUCKLE UNDER TO THE TOLERANT & ETHICAL PROGRESSIVE MOVEMENT, OR YOU COULD BE NEXT!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!



KEITH ELLISON ROCKS!!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

ERECTION!

(That is how Kim Jong Il would say "election" if he knew that word.)

I have come out of hiding because it appears that the massive destruction being wreaked by Dougzilla Fluffenstuffzilla is of the positive kind. You can all thank us later.

But for now, it is your duty as MOBsters, KARnies, and lonely lonely blog-trolling dateless wonders to vote for our next mayor. One vote per day etc etc. Polls will close Friday morning when I get around to it. In the likely event that no single candidate obtains one vote more than 50% of the tally, there will be a runoff between the two top vote-getters.

And once you've placed your vote for the day, please take a moment and answer our exit poll. You will be doing a service to all those small-minded bedwetting poll fixaters who just can't wait until the real polls close.

Who did you just vote for in the MOB Mayoral election?
Bobo
Andy
Leo
Swiftee
Ryan
Kevie
Tucci
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Closed Circuit to Patty Wetterling

I can "look out" for my own children, thank you very much.

But if *you* still feel compelled to look after *my* children, Mrs Foot and I pay our babysitters $5 per hour. You available Saturday night? The Missus and I could really use a night on the town.

Monday, October 16, 2006

As God as my witness Part II

I’ve not made a habit of responding to comments, but am making an exception in this case.

Matt took exception to this post and my disgust at the notion of the schools taking it upon themselves to teach what is and is not acceptable when discussing lifestyles.

Matt thinks I am filled with hate, because I took dramatic exception to a letter printed in Friday’s Star & Sickle (the link to which appears to be broken):

I'm a parent too. Of wonderful loving children. You guys sure carry a load of hatred around. It must be miserable. Oh yeah... did you enjoy church today? Did you actually listen, or just make sure you were seen?
Matt

Matt has no idea what I teach my children about homosexuals, but concludes that I must hate them if I don’t want schools teaching “the diversity of sexual orientation”, as George puts it in his letter.

The world inhabited by Matt and George is an interesting one. In their simple minds, if I disagree with Keith Ellison I’m a racist and anti-Muslim. If I’m against the teaching of “the diversity of sexual orientation” (DSO) in school I’m homophobic.

It sure as hell makes it easy to dismiss those who disagree with you when you can paint them as hate-filled.

Again, Matt is completely ignorant about what I teach my children and his conclusion proves it. What scares me more than the curriculum is George’s assertion that I don’t know how to be a parent and that:

Teaching about diversity of sexual orientation is but one of many topics that schools and society must present to all children and, when necessary, parents as well.

Get thee to the reeducation camp and learn the ways of the enlightened.

See, because Matt is on board with the teaching of DSO in school, the thought of being summoned by the school board and force-fed the lessons seems reasonable.

After all, we can’t leave it to parents to explain homosexuality and that, even if we find their sexual orientation to go against societal norms, they are still people who deserve to be treated with respect.

And we certainly can’t leave it to parents to teach their children that there are many types of sexual lifestyles and, no matter how outside the norm they are, as long as it goes on between consenting adults, in private and does not break any laws, it is between the adults.

Bottom line, DSO is far too important a subject to leave to parents. Therefore the lessons must come from government and government-run schools.

So I ask Matt, and I hope he responds, what subjects, other than religion, should be left to parents and parents alone?

What about your own kids, what subjects do you find out of bounds for schools to teach your kids?

If you can find even one subject that falls into the “that ain’t the job of schools” category I want you to reread George’s words and imagine your reaction:

Teaching about (place subject here) is but one of many topics that schools and society must present to all children and, when necessary, parents as well.

If you do this, you may come to understand that this isn’t about hate. It’s about wanting to retain some rights when it comes to educating my children.

Friday, October 13, 2006

As God as my witness

I don’t know where to go with this one. Every time I read it I get more pissed of at this jerk.

The jerk, George Hutchinson of Minneapolis, is one of the diversity-above-all-and-if-you-don’t-teach-it-to-your-kids-government-will, types who want to make sure his vision of society is shoved down the throats of our kids, “and when necessary parents”.

And if you object, well, fuck you, because George and his government loving, Tolerance preaching, diversity whores know best.

Parents who claim that schools are undermining their authority over their kids need to actually begin doing some real parenting.

Would it be too harsh to call George a condescending prick? Who the fuck is this jackass and where does he get the authority to tell others how to raise their kids? Maybe he turned over his children to the State at birth, but most of us prefer to instill our own values and morals rather than let a bunch of card-carrying members of Education Minnesota warp their brains with their Leftist crap.

Teaching about diversity of sexual orientation is but one of many topics that schools and society must present to all children and, when necessary, parents as well.

This is the big “Fuck You” to every parent in Minnesota. Not only does George advocate indoctrinating our children, he’ll see to it that any uppity parents are taken to the reeducation camps and beaten until they agree with his view of the world.

(Side note: I bet George is concerned about W’ “shredding” the Constitution, yet will never recognize the irony in this.)

I’d love to ask this brainless twit what other “topics” he would like taught in school: How about sadomasochism, or screwing dogs, cows and small woodland creatures. Is anything out of bounds?

Would it be too harsh to tell him to, as non-monkey put it today, mind his own beeswax?

Parents who feel threatened by topics such as these are themselves victims of narrow-minded, homophobic influences which seem to be all too prevalent.

He’s back to his condescending prickness: Threatened, narrow-minded, homophobic.

Go to hell, George.

We simply want the freedom to pass along our values to our children without having government-run schools undermine our ability to raise our children our way.

I don’t give a damn who lives with whom, who screws whom, or who screws what.

What I care about is public schools teaching my kids that having two moms or two dads is no different than having a mom and a dad, because it is pure bullshit.

2+2=4, but George and Alan do not equal Mom & Dad and I don’t want my kids being taught that it does.

What’s going on here should scare the hell out of every parent with a kid in the public schools. Not because of the subject matter, but because of the way in which the school has be dismissive of the parents and their concerns.

This is a story that should not die until parents are given a voice in their children’s education.

George, well, he can’t die soon enough for me.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Moron mail

There are morons and there are morons and then there is Dave Rauschenfels of Richfield Minnesota.

Dave is the most moronic moron I’ve come across in a long, long time. In fact, I doubt whether I will ever come across another moron of his stature

North Korea has again ignited a storm by declaring its first successful test of a nuclear weapon.

If we are wise, we will overlook this test, as it is a mere tool to gain attention.

Once again, Kim Jong-il has called the bluff of the United States…

It will be back to the negotiation table, and the cycle will persist until the North Koreans are satisfied with their status in the world.

My first post to this esteemed blog dealt with Kim, his love of nukes and my suggestion for dealing with him. Now, I would like to expand my solution to include Dave and other like-minded simpletons.

A tool to gain attention, Dave? We’re not talking about a two-year old who bites mom or dad to get attention. We’re dealing with a psychopath. Kim Jong-il would like nothing more than to see the United States destroyed and he’s willing to be the one to push the button.

Dave thinks Kim Jong-il wants respect and a higher status in on the world stage.

Sorry Dave, Communist dictators who kill their rivals and starve the rest of their citizens deserve only an ICMB shoved deep up their anal-canal and detonated.

It might be fun to watch. Get a little close Dave. Closer, closer, that’s it.

Relive the Magic

The Minnesota Vikings are currently in their bye week. The last time the Vikes had a bye week was the single greatest period in the history of KAR. I am, of course, talking about the Vikingssexboatorgy Scandal. The only way it could have been better was if they had brought a poet laureate on board the boat and were served Spinach Gratin cooked by Susan Lenfestey.

To celebrate KAR's watershed moment, go back and relive that blessed week all over again:

Top 11

Parody Song

Grammar lesson

Limerick

Haiku

One liner

OPG's take

Caption contest

Post mortem reflections (*sigh*)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've, uh, gotta leave...

Moron Mail

Oh look: some loser offers us a sanctimonious brain pooping in the Strib letters! Who'da thunk it?

On Oct. 6, I received Republican Fifth District House candidate Alan Fine's scurrilous mailing attacking Keith Ellison for his associations with alleged Muslim extremists.

On Oct. 7, I read the article on Fine's alleged domestic abuse history.

I have imaged both and am saving them side by side in my "2006 Political" folder to record for posterity the kind of posterior the Republicans nominated for Congress this year.

KURT BONERSON, MINNEAPOLIS


I have imaged this letter, and am saving it side by side in my 2006 "2006 Poop" folder with those pictures of Ryan Rhodes' Greatest Shits.

No, really. What kind of looser loser do you have to be to create a "2006 Political" folder. I imagine that Saturday nights with Kurt must be a hoot. "Duuuuude. Let's spark up and look through your '2006 Political' folder!"

If there's any room left in your little Dork Porn folder there little buddy, perhaps you could contact your buddy Keith and get one of those fly Nation of Islam newspapers he used to distribute.

Blue Oyster Cult Can Teach Us a Lot About Another Effect of KAR's Nuclear Test

BILL: Foot? Come in Foot.

LEARNEDFOOT: Foot here. What up, Moeshia?

BILL: I'm getting a reading from Bogus Doug!

LF: What's his status?

BILL: Well...the blast didn't kill him like I thought...

LF: That's excellent news! How's he doin'?

BILL: Uh, he ain't right.

LF: Do tell...

BILL: The radiation seems to have...

LF: Have what? Spit it out!

BILL: Um, Bogus Doug appears to have mutated into a horrible giant lizard.

LF: [Shaking head in shame] History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man.

BILL: Oh no! There goes Tokyo!

LF: ...

LF: Listen, Bill. I've got a couple more posts in the chute that I'll get out today, then I'm going to leave the state for a while...

BILL: Do whatever you gotta do, man.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Since the National Republican Party Is a Bunch of Pansy-Assed Supine Pincushions...

...they won't air this spot; supposedly because it's "over the top."

KAR possesses no such restraint. Plus we like funny:



Purportedly directed by David Zucker, though I have my doubts. (Via Drudge)

Speaking of Mayors...

Are all Minnesota mayors massive tools?

No, really. We're all familiar with the exploits of the Twin Cities' Ambiguously Intelligent (and Gay) Duo of RT "The Float" Ryback and Chris "The BDS Candidate" Coleman. And today, Alert Reader Dave points out the absolute drooling tooliness of Duluth's mayor Herb Bergson.

Dave notes that while Duluth's crime rate is nearing epic levels (if Duluth were in Iraq, liberals would be calling it a quagmire), Bergson is addressing much more important issues...

The sins of 500 year-old dead white guys:

Monday, Oct. 9, 2006, will be the last time Duluth city employees get Columbus Day off as a holiday, Mayor Herb Bergson announced to raucous cheers from a predominately Native American audience Monday evening.

Bergson has received verbal assurances from the city's five unions that they would rather take another day off - most picked Christmas Eve - than honor Christopher Columbus, Bergson told more than 200 people in the Washington Center shortly after a march in downtown Duluth.

Sorry guys - Christmas Eve won't work out. See, we have this little thing in America called THE SEPERATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. Christmas (along with its eve) is a Christian holiday. If the city gave its employees that day off, why, that might be "advancing" or "endorsing" religion. And then you'd have Michael Newdow on your ass and a whole shitstorm of litigation for years and years. Can't have that. Maybe you should angle for the vernal equinox or Noam Chomsky's birthday instead.

For the second straight year, he also proclaimed the second Monday in October as Indigenous Peoples Day in Duluth, instead of celebrating a man whose legacy is historically contentious
...

...to smalmindeded fools who would rather look to the ancient past for excuses than to the present day for solutions.

"We can't honor a murderer," Bergson said to cheers after a march organized by the Native Youth Agenda.

Unless that murderer's name is Leonard Peltier. Or Mumia. Or Che.

Bergson said it would be insensitive to 4 percent of Duluth's population to celebrate a known slave trader and tyrant. He went further, suggesting that American Indians organize boycotts of department stores and car dealerships that hold Columbus Day sales.

Well, that's not necessary. The large-scale invasion of the criminal element ought to due the same job without all the righteous indignation and stupid-looking paper mache' puppets.

"How about an indigenous peoples sale?" he asked the crowd to more applause.

Er...

How about tackling a real problem that affects 100% of the population? Perhaps Bergson could get Duluth's poet laureate to write an anti-crime haiku.

POLL: MAYORAL RACE A DEAD HEAT

The latest KARNation / Ipsos-Factos / Bonerman & Associates Dynamic Opinion Dynamics poll shows the 2006 MOB mayor's race to be a two primate race between Swiftee and Bobo the Talking Chimp. Swiftee leads the erstwhile simian by a statistically insignificant 7 percentage points: 29% to 22%.

All indications suggest that the constant gay-baiting by the leather-clad biker dude from West Saint Paul seemed to have gained a certain amount of traction with voters. At the same time, the gay baiting from the other challengers are not resonating. A spokesperson for Kevin Ecker's campaign (13%) hypothesized that the attacks against him by Andy Aplikowski's campaign (16%) failed to make a significant impact because the attacks were focused "solely on a single picture of Kevin wearing a 'fanny pack' which was in reality a much manlier 'ammo pack'".

In response, Aplicowski released a statement reading: "Lje awefi teh ksef j KJhuewfn kjkxwion eulai Ken boner!"

The most surprising result of the poll was the disappointing showing of Ryan Rhodes - a dismal 2%. Still, Rhodes was upbeat. "Obviously I haven't been getting that picture of my ass out to enough of the voters. I need to try harder; right after this boner goes away."

So, with the election only a week away, this race appears to have two very strong frontrunners, which almost assures that there will be a runoff. Even so, the campaigns remain confident. "All the peep's and the ho's and the bitche's will be voting for Swiftee come election day. And you are gay," said Swiftee.

Bobo was likewise sanguine.

"Poopy butt poop poop poop boner," remarked the chimp.

===COMPLETE RESULTS===

If the MOB mayoral election were held today, for whom would you vote?

Swiftee 29%

Bobo 22%

Andee Applecowski 16%

Kevin Ecker 13%

Joe Tucci 13%

Leo Pastuarellitonioino 4%

Ryan Rhodes 2%

Monday, October 09, 2006

More Administrative BS

Despite the nuclear test going horribly, horribly awry, the the elections for MOB Soil & Water Commissioner and MOB Mayor will still occur. Polls will open the morning of Tuesday, Oct 17, and will remain open through the 19th.

Candidates may use this thread to continue to insult and gay-bait one another.

UPDATE: I have commissioned a public opinion poll to determine the pulse of the voters in this snapshot in time:


***POLL COMPLETE***

Aftermath

LEARNEDFOOT: OK, people. Let's try and get our arms around the level of destruction from the blast. I need damage reports.

OPG: The official KAR beer stash appears to be intact. Whew. We really dodged a bullet there!

LF: Shut up, you! Bill? What about external damage. Did the blast affect any other blogs or Thunderjournals?

BILL: Well...the blast may have taken out Bogus Doug, but there's no way of telling for sure. Our spotters are saying that 50% of Joe Tucci's back hair has been burned off - that amounts to about 73 pounds of burnt hair....

BILL: One moment...

LF: What's up? Are you getting any readings on -

BILL: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!! Ryan Rhodes' ass took a big - I repeat: BIG - hit of radiation.

LF: Oh my! May God forgive us.

LF: Fred the Head? Any other external damage?

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: It appears the the radiation has caused Molly Ivins to mutate into some sort of horrible Jabba the Hutt-like creature.

LF: Please confirm...

HOAG: Nope, sorry. No mutation. That's just how she looks.

LF: Dementee - what damage have we sustained internally?

DEMENTEE: RADIATION PLAY HAVOC WITH SIDEBAR!!!!! ALL BILL GRAPHIC GONE!!!!!

LF: Fortunately, he's moving those to another server. What else on the sidebar?

DEMENTEE: RAINBOW OF FLAVAZ BLOGROLL MESSED UP!!!!! VERY DISTURBING!!!!!

LF: Yikes! I think there's more than one blogger that's going to be pissed. Well, we can't fix those right now. Let's concentrate on what we can fix.

DEMENTEE: ALL FUTURE MOB SOIL AND WATER COMMISSIONER DEBATE THREADS DESTROYED!!!!!

LF: Eh. Good riddance. Those debates sucked anyway.

DEMENTEE: EVERYTHING ELSE LOOK A-OK!!!!

LF: Good. Well, I guess we did dodge a bullet. OK. Let's all brace ourselves for the coming political fallout and possible sanctions from the international blogging community.

BILL: ...And that time is now boss. I got Kofi Annan on line one and Jimmy Carter on line two!

LF: [Gazing skyward] Somebody up there must love me. "Dodged a bullet" indeed...

Hello, Mr. Secretary General...

Oh Brave New World

EDITORS NOTE: The following has been translated from its original language: Drunken Babble.

OPG here with an important announcing by the graces of our most exulted leader, LearnedFoot.
Today marks a happiness day in the world of ThunderJournalism. For through the fortitude of our Fearless Leader, KAR shall be the first wholly online collection of misanthropic characters to have the capability to defend itself throught the means of nuclear weapons.

It is true that rumors have been swirling around our glorious ThunderJournal for well over a year, that we have possession of silly happy weapons. But now, for first time, world can witnessing the power of KAR's super fun nuclearness!

KAR's first nuclear weapon test shall commence in:

10...

9...

8...

7...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

DETONATE!

LEARNEDFOOT PANICS: HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OPG: Oh glorious day! Oh glorious day! What a magnificent success!

***

LEARNEDFOOT: You IDIOT! You're supposed to bury the device underground. Way underground!

OPG: oops.

LEARNEDFOOT: Way to go moron! We need to assess the damage. Now!

To be continued...

Moron Mail

Huh?

Senate race

Part of the problem


Does Mark Kennedy think we're stupid?

On one hand, he runs a dirty campaign against Amy Klobuchar, a respected public servant. On the other, he describes himself as "part of the solution" to our problems in Washington.
Is anyone really falling for this malarkey?

BONER Q. BONERMAN, BURNSVILLE

Does this guy think we're stupid?

On one hand you've got your typical drivel-rich moronic letter to the Strib. On the other, Eli Manning threw for 256 yards and a touchdown yesterday.

On the third hand, this twerp wastes your time and mine (mostly mine) with vacuous thought-free rhetoric. On the third hand's corresponding, other hand, my chicken sandwich is quite tasty.
On yet another hand I could fisk this letter. On the other foot, McDonald's "Monopoly" Instant Win game is going on right now; for a limited time only!

Is anyone ever persuaded by the flaming crap that gets published in the Strib's letters section?

OPG's Week 5 Breakdown

Sorry, no breakdown this week. LearnedFoot has me working on a Top Secret assignment, the results of which you will see later.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Who cut the Cheese?

Just to be clear on one thing, there is no double standard when it comes to members of Congress being “overly nice” to underage pages.

With that out of the way, I’d like to share with you the written gas-passing I found in the latest Blog House. Little Timmy, objective to the core, must not have realized the flatulent nature of this week’s column:

[E]veryone agrees that the actions of the disgraced former Republican congressman from Florida were repugnant.

I can get behind (no pun intended) that statement, but the next one…

When voters hear "Mark Foley," some Republicans want them to see Gerry Studds. Studds was a Massachusetts congressman who was censured in 1983 for a consensual relationship he had with a 17-year-old male page in 1973.

Consensual or not, Studds was screwing a kid: An underage child who, according to the law, was not able to give consent and was, therefore, being butt-raped by a member of Congress.

Timmy must write what he hears in his farts. I wouldn’t be surprised if he experienced some anal leakage due to a loose sphincter.

Why did Timmy soft sell what Studds did? The facts, as we know them today, have yet to suggest that Foley had a sexual relationship with any underage page, let alone one(s) of age. Studds, on the other hand, admitted to having a SEXUAL relationship with an UNDERAGE page.

Notice, also, how Foley quit his job, while Studds circled the wagon, called the investigation a gay witch hunt and was subsequently elected to six more terms.

That’s right, try to take to task a gay man for screwing a minor and suddenly you are displaying all sorts of homophobic rage. You, it turns out, are the problem. Not the old man with his dick in some kid’s ass.

If what Foley did is repugnant, what Studds (a prophetic name if ever there were one) must be considered vulgar, repulsive and nauseating at least.
But we certainly can’t compare the two – that would be apples to oranges I’m told

Friday, October 06, 2006

Bobo's Mayoral Stump Speech

Well, not so much a stump speech as a litany of funny-sounding, off-color words.

One More Word on that "Stop Sex Predators" Blog. For Now

Recall a couple days ago when I mentioned that the "blog" that published those (very slightly) creepy e-mails that Mark Foley sent to a page was giving off a fragrance vaguely reminiscent of Ryan Rhodes' bathroom post burrito? (And let's not forget the satisfying validation too.) One of the more objective members of the local lefty blogosphere -

*SNORK!!!*

urp..'scuse me a sec.

*hack* *hack* *HWAAARRRRRKKKK!!!*

Sorry. Reading that last remark about self-proclaimed "objective" leftybloggers made soda shoot out my nose. Don't you hate that? It, like, burns that cavity above your throat and behind your nose for two hours. In the meantime you feel the need to blow your nose every 15 seconds, but no snot comes out.

There was this one time, I was sitting in a McDonald's with a couple of friends and one of them said something funny that made me hork the Coke that was in my mouth out my nose. The accompanying spasm caused me to fart really loud, which caused my other companion to shoot the gulp of soda in his mouth out his nose. So there the three of us sat, blowing our noses into napkins and farting and -

KARNation: GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!

Sorry. Where was I?

Oh yeah: the line from the Democrats and their Bobos was that those of us who thought it might be a good idea to do some digging were "grasping at straws." Nope, nothing else to see here! This is a Republican scandal and all 240 (or so) Republicans are guilty of either boinking their pages, wanting to boink their pages, being gay, or trying to cover any or all of the above up. No more questions need be asked thank you very much.

Well, maybe. Or maybe not. Even an objective lefty - no, strike that - an intellectually honest lefty should concede that "Stop Sex Predators" looks suspicious for every reason stated here and in this story.

INTELLECTUALLY HONEST LEFTY INTERRUPTS: OK I concede your point - that blog seems suspicious. But so what?

I'm glad you asked. (By the way, as an intellectually honest liberal, don't you feel lonely most of the time?)

INTELLECTUALLY HONEST LEFTY: (weeping) Why yes, yes I do sometimes.

Awwwww. Do you need a friend?

I'll be your friend.

INTELLECTUALLY HONEST LEFTY: (Smiling through tears.) Thank you!

C'mere and give me a hug!

KARNation INTERRUPTS: WOULD YOU PLEASE GET ON WITH IT!!!!!

Right-o.

What was the question again?

AN INCREASINGLY EXASPERATED KARNation: SO WHAT????????

Ah yes.

Let's frame it this way: MDE forwards this statement from one of the drones at MNPooplius, in defending Patty "Pun'kinhead" Wetterling's latest pack of lies TV ad (emphasis mine):

Matt Martin from MN Publius wrote this about Wetterling's new ad:

"Rather, Wetterling is addressing an issue very near and dear to her heart by publicly calling for responsibility in the handling of this matter. She has not pointed fingers, she has not overstepped, she has merely stated that anyone who knew about this should resign immediately."

It is my theory - and it's just that right now: a theory - that Stop Sex Predators was set up to appear as a seemingly detatched party through which the story could get to the public at a time of someone's choosing (and a little common sense would inform you that the "someone" in question would not be an ally of the Republican party), without having to go through an already reluctant press.

And if that is indeed the case, the fact that the blog started in July provides a (CAUTION: COOL LATIN ARCHAEOLOGICAL TERM COMING) terminus ante quem ("date before which") that shows "someone" knew about the Foley deal long before any of this became public. That would make such a person /organization / political party guilty of the exact same thing the Dems are currently trying to hang on the entire house Republican caucus. Even the motivation would be the same (power).

Let's return to the MNPooplius quote up there, which (in a refreshing change for those juveniles) is perfectly reasonable:

"Rather, Wetterling is addressing an issue very near and dear to her heart by publicly calling for responsibility in the handling of this matter. She has not pointed fingers, she has not overstepped, she has merely stated that anyone who knew about this should resign immediately."

Anybody who knew about this should resign immediately. And those not in a position to resign, like volunteers, supporters, etc., should be slimed to within an inch of their miserable lives.

Oh, I know what you're saying. You're saying: "Foot, I fully realize that you are a golden god, a beacon of lucidity in a blogosphere - sorry - Thunderjounalsphere gone mad, and one of the handsomest people I have ever known; and I am a complete and utter dumbass - but everybody knows that you can mess with the date stamps on blogger and create archives all the way back to 1990 if you wanted to. The fact that the first post on that blog is in July proves nothing. But I still love you."

True. You can date any post anyway you want. For instance, you may be reading this post on Friday Oct. 6, 2006. But the date below clearly says it was posted on Oct. 7. (I've changed it back to the 6th now.)

No, you didn't just get sucked into some temporal vortex, you silly goose! Blogger allows you to do that.

On the other hand, you cannot change the line in your profile, that says when you first signed up for a blogspot account.

Oh, look at that: "On blogger since July 2006."

There may be more...

Closed Circuit to Tim O'Brien

Has Rand1 Re1tan ever sent you a letter that you didn't publish?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Attention Candidates

You may not have noticed since they got pushed way down the page due to an unprecedented Dementee posting explosion, but the 2nd round of debates for Mayor and soil and water commissioner have been posted. Please start ripping on each other in all due haste.

Boner.

Embrace the Boner

TO: All KARnies

FROM: LearnedFoot, KAR Managing Editor

Re: Stylesheet update

I'm sure you are all by now aware of the Big Story involving Mark Foley. And while Foley's actions are likely to be disasterous for his victims, himself and his party, something positive has resulted from the whole imbroglio. Personally, I have rediscovered the wonderful word "boner".

For the longest time, that beautifully amusing word had been shoved into the back of my subconscious. There had been opportunities in the past to use "boner" here on KAR, but for some reason the word didn't occur to me. There was one notable exception way back in February, but it only appeared as a double entendre; not in its proper spelling and form. Yes, until now, the favored word has always been "poop"; but one frisky and deranged politician changed all that.

I've probably used "boner" ten or twelve times in the last few days. I'm sure we all agree that "boner" never fails to elicit a smile. It's a fabulous word. I feel that "boner" should be used as much as possible.

While I encourage everyone to continue using "poop," - it remains a great word - a conscious effort should henceforth be made to stick a "boner" in your posts every once in a while.

And I am by no means limiting this new stylistic direction to just the four KARnies. I encourage anyone commenting on this fine Thunderjournal to whip out a "boner" whenever the opportunity arises.

Another Wellstone wacko surfaces

Known primarily for his “acting” ability, local boy Josh Hartnett is now discussing the possibility that Senator Paul Wellstone was assassinated.

Taking the Howard Dean approach to simultaneously dismissing and spreading conspiracy theories (“I’m don’t believe it, but others are saying the Saudis warned Bush about 9/11 and he did nothing to stop it.”), Minnesota’s own Mr. MENSA had this to say to GQ (well known for it’s political reporting):

"It was really, really suspicious, but I don't even want to think that. I just hope it's not true, because that would just be so, so, so wrong."

"He's angry, and he's not convinced that pilot error or mechanical failure or fog was to blame for the crash," writes GQ's Alex Pappademas, who noted that Hartnett "points out how close the race was, how Republicans were hell-bent on winning control of the Senate, how George W. Bush" made several visits to Minnesota "to support Wellstone's opponent, Norm Coleman."


Now there’s some evidence any good conspiracy hound can sink their teeth into: A close race, control of the Senate at stake, and visits by the President. All of that must add up to assassination.

Shit, I’m convinced. Draw up arrests warrants for Coleman, W, Rove and any other complicit party.

I think the klieg lights have melted Josh’s brain.

Not to be outdone, writer Alex Pappademas also gets into the act:

"I have a lot of friends who are from Minnesota, and I quizzed them on it, like On a scale of 1 to 10, how out there is this belief? I don't think anybody believes there is really foul play, necessarily. But a lot of people are suspicious.

So now we have Josh, Alex, Garrison and the nutcase professor from UMD, all on the Wellstone conspiracy bandwagon.

I wonder why this “story” doesn’t get any traction.

Here’s the bottom line for these four and any other freaks: Small plane, shitty weather, bad pilots, ‘nuff said.