Thursday, November 30, 2006

Bald Pattern of Behavior

Attention Brian "St. Paul" Ward:

Slam dunk "gatekeeper of the week"?

Two weeks ago I wrote in this space about a Nov. 10 editorial that we learned contained, without attribution, phrases from a New Yorker commentary by Hendrik Hertzberg. Since then we have received an inquiry about a March 27 editorial that contained similarities to a March 6 Hertzberg piece.

We want you to know that we are taking this matter very seriously. We have an obligation to everyone involved to be fair and deliberate in evaluating this; it is too serious a matter to jump to any conclusions without a thorough review. Since both of the editorials in question were written by editorial writer Steve Berg, the Star Tribune will conduct a review of his writing over the past year. During this review he will not be writing.

Steve Berg's a quote-cribbing liberal drone weasel? Noooooooooooooooooo.

P.S. Even though you missed A Charlie Brown Christmas, they have this wonderful new technology known as DVD. You can borrow my kids' copy if you like.

The Greatest Blog Widget Ever

Have you ever lay awake at night, unable to sleep because you don't know or can't recall what KAR's current sidebar blurb is?

Or perhaps you have said to yourself: "Gee those KAR guys are so super-groovy with their neato sidebar quote! I wish they'd write sidebar blurbs for my crappy blog!"

Well, now your prayers have been answered.

As a result of minutes of research and development at the KAR-Nation Useless Technology Labs (KAR-NUTL), alert citizen of KAR-Nation, Troy Johnson, has invented a widget that you can put right on your own blog which tells you exactly what the KAR sidebar blurb is at any given moment.

Made of space-age polymers and crafted with indifferent style, the KAR Quote Alert is the perfect addition to your blog's or ThunderJournal's sidebar. The widget scans KAR every hour or so, so you never have to wait very long to see if the blurb has changed! Every time you view your own web publishing site, you can know at a glance what saying appears in the upper right-hand corner of KAR!

BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE!

As an added value, the KAR Quote Alert System includes:

* A hyper-link: to magically whisk yourself over to KAR so you can view the sidebar blurb live and in person!

* Lines: to distinctly separate the KAR Quote Module from the other items on your sidebar!

* Code for a separate Gadget custom-made for your Google personal homepage!

* And not much more!

Yes! Now your blog too can have some of the same sophisticated butt-oriented humor that has made KAR a daily read for dozens of people!

To install the KAR Quote Alert System on your blog or ThunderJournal, simply click here and follow the directions.

(To see what the KAR Quote Alert Module looks like see our sidebar, just above the Brewers Magic Number Watch.)

IT'S THAT EASY!!!! And... it's FREE!!!!

How can you resist? Install the KAR Quote Alert System on your blog TODAY!

Justice Is Blind, Which Is Why Absurd Results Can Happen If Attorneys Fail Their Obligation to Be Effective White Sticks

WARNING: The following post contains legal scholarship analysis writing content. Reader discretion is advised.

Cap'n Ed (a guy against whom I am undefeated in poker) is in a snit about yesterday's ruling that the Greenback discriminates against blind people:

The scourge of judicial activism raises its silliness quotient just a little higher this week with a ruling that found American currency discriminatory. US District Court Judge John Robertson declared that the venerable greenback puts blind people at such a disadvantage that it violates the Constitution, and ordered the Treasury to revamp its currency offerings forthwith...

Cries of judicial activism or overreach are kind of like playing the race card. If you start calling every decision you disagree with an act of an imperial judiciary with out first checking to see if that's actually the case, you look bad and hurt your cred later on when you try to point out an actual act of bench imperialism.

Such is the case here. Judge Robertson wasn't the culprit; crappy attorneys for the Treasury Department were.

We arrive at that insight on page twelve of the decision, where the court recites the statute (not a Constitutional provision as Ed asserts - really Ed, you ought to read these decisions before commenting on them. Otherwise, you're just like a Strib editor with less bandwith) which the US currency purportedly violates:

No otherwise qualified individual with a disability in
the United States, as defined in section 706 (20) of
this title, shall, solely by reason of his or her
disability, be excluded from the participation in, be
denied the benefits of, or be subjected to
discrimination under any program or activity [footnote omitted] receiving
Federal financial assistance or under any program or
activity conducted by any Executive agency or by the
United States Postal Service
.

(Sec. 504 of the Rehabilitation Act, 29 USC sec. 794. Emphasis mine.)

The nub of this decision revolves around the word "activity" in that section. The plaintiffs asserted that the term "activity" extended to the printing and minting of currency. And that would be a fair interpretation. The government should have argued that the actual use of the currency - the source of the plaintiff's problem - was not a governmental activity. Just like manufacturing paper envelopes might be the activity of, say, the Mead Corporation, but the end user mailing anthrax in those envelopes would not be.

Alas, as we learn in law school, you must always read the footnotes. Footnote 8, the marker of which appears after the word "activity" in the above-quoted section, shows us who's really to blame for the result of this case (also on page 12, emphasis mine):

8 It appears to be undisputed, despite the awkward "fit" of the language,
that the design, production and issuance of currency is a "program or
activity" under the Rehabilitation Act. [Citations omitted]


See? The judge actually acknowledges that there's some doubt as to the meaning of the language in the statute, but the defendant didn't even try to argue for a different interpretation. He or she left the issue "undisputed" and went on to make loser arguments like sovereign imunity. They tried to trot out a parade of horribles to tip the balancing test applied to cases like these (see pg. 14 of the opinion) in their favor, which is never a good idea when you represent an unsympathetic defendant like the Big Mean Iron Fist of Government against a plaintiff like the Poor Handicapped Folk Whose Life Is Already Hard Enough.

The judge in this case didn't have a choice. Counsel for the government failed to provide him one. That's why the bromide "justice is blind" exists. It is the court's duty to screen out the outside world (with a few exceptions) and only make decisions based on the relevant law and the relative merits of the evidence and arguments. That is the very epitome of judicial nonactivism.

But in this case, counsel for the defense failed to offer any argument on the one point it could win. Judicial overreach? No. The defense just literally allowed the blind to lead the blind.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Moron Mail

It's almost like this guy just filled in a mad lib with the same old lefty tropes:

In response to Jeffrey Boie's Nov. 26 letter, I would like to know who the "far left liberal religious group" is ("A waste of the court's time")? Is there such a thing?

Yes. Yes there is such a thing. It was the Edina Community Lutheran Church and the Unity Church-Unitarian in St. Paul (Wow! A Unitarian church - imagine that!). If you had read the article referred to in the letter you cited, you would have known this. However, I get a feeling that you're the type of person who likes to remain willfully ignorant so as not to have to endure the cognitive meltdowns and psychotic episodes that come from having your predjudice-rich self-serving world view shattered.

The neo-cons

Latest of the ever-shifting definitions of "neo-con": anybody who doesn't "think" the same way this tool does...

fought for the right to carry firearms anytime; anywhere. Gov. Pawlenty's signed law says you can do that, unless posted otherwise. (Notice the violent crime rise since then? Oh wait - that's Amy Klobuchar's fault.)

Whoa! This Mensa's pulling out the old post hoc ergo propter hoc card. I can do that too:

After I read this letter, I pooped. Therefore reading letters from nimrods who don't know what the hell they're talking about is a cure for constipation!

In any event, The Glorious Hiawatha Light Rail Choo Choo of Doom has killed more people than guns fired by permit holders (I believe the current score is 3 or 4 to 1. Check the KAR archives - it's in there somewhere.)

And yes - it's all Amy Klobuchar's fault. At least there's more evidence for that conclusion than for the proposition that all the non-permit holders shooting each other and innocent bystanders in North Minneapolis are evidence that conceal and carry is responsible for the rise in violent crime.

You dumbass.

A church does not want to or feel the need to post a No Guns sign. This should be common sense. However, rights-exercising neo-cons and their lawyers have forced the need for a court's exemption under Pawlenty's law. How can you compare this to posting life-safety signs or a temporary posting of a building permit?

So by definition, anyone who carries a weapon and has a permit is a "neo-con"? Or it's just the neo-con segment of the larger conceal-carry demographic that "forced" the "court's exemption"? I'm confused. Am I missing something?

No. No I'm not. You just suck at this.

Does anyone not find this statement and argument absurd?

Yes. I do find your argument absurd. Or did the "this" in that sentence refer to something else?

It's not "liberals" causing this court action; it's a right-winger law...

...That can be found in like 40 other states...

Is a "family and church-centered" neo-con actually mocking churches for this?

Congratulations! you just used the term "neo-con" in three-quarters of the paragraphs of your letter without having the faintest idea of what it means (other than "people I hate"). Way to finish strong!

BONER A. McPOLACK Burnsville

I think I'm going to start calling people like this "Paleo-retards."

Political Surprise of the Year

Bill Frist is out!

Ok, so it’s not much of a surprise. In fact, I’m surprised it took him so long to make the announcement.

Why is Bill dropping not going to seek the Oval Office?

"In the Bible, God tells us for everything there is a season, and for me, for now, this season of being an elected official has come to a close. I do not intend to run for president in 2008," Frist said in a statement.

An anonymous source close to Senator Frist sent me a copy of the original draft of his statement which reads in part:

“Like most of you, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a spineless weasel with no ability to lead. Even my kids have noticed and, frankly, they’ve taken advantage of their old man. I spent months threatening to use the so called nuclear option, but didn’t have the balls to pull the trigger. My wife bought me a dress when the gang of 14 neutered me with their agreement on judicial nominees.

Goddamn it, am I a pussy or what?”

Goodbye and good riddance Senator Frist.

You will be fondly forgotten and your legacy will languish as a footnote in history.

Day By Day Goes Softcore

The Kool Aid Report enthusiastically endorses the gratuitous use of thongs in comic strips, and hopes the practice becomes a trend.

One small complaint: since Chris Muir likes to pimp Conserv-o-blogs, why not have Jan wear a KAR Thong? Or perhaps her exsquisitely cut, six pack be-abbed beau Damon could give her one as a Christmas present. She - being a liberal - would become outraged and pillory Damon leading to all kinds of double entendre-laden three panel exchanges. Hillarity ensues!

Seriously, Chris, have your people call my people. We can work out the details.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Time for Reconcilliation Is Upon Us

OPG here.

LearnedFoot has hired me as his publicist to handle the fallout from the disgusting display you just witnessed. Mr. Foot wishes for everyone to know that he is truly sorry for any hurtful statements he has made, and that his angry anti-Polish tirade is not really who he is. Mr. Foot will be appearing on several other blogs to apologize to Mr. Sisyphus - a fine and upstanding member of Polish descent - as well as to the millions of members of the Polish-American community.

To supplement the later Mr. Foot will be meeting later today with an ambassador of the Polish-American community, Andy Aplikowski, to start the fence mending progress.

Mr. Foot would also like to open a dialogue with Mr. Sisyphus, but those efforts have thus far been unsuccessful. Sisyphus has retained Gloria Allred as his attorney, and has directed all communications to her.

It's time to let the healing begin. Keep an eye on this post for further updates.

UPDATE: I'm pleased to announce that LearnedFoot has donated $12.32 - that is, 14 cents for every time he used the P-word - to the Polish American Congress Charitable Foundation as part of his Atonement Tour '06. The PACCF is a 501(c)(3) organization that helps to feed the hungry pets of starving Eastern Europeans. What makes this act of atonement especially laudable is the fact that Mr. Foot made the donation anonymously.

UPDATE 2: Learnedfoot has made the rounds on the Local Blog Circuit and posted apologies to Sisyphus and the public at large here and here. Hopefully we can start to put all this ugliness behind us now.

FINAL UPDATE: Learnedfoot has just checked himself into rehab. The Cycle of Contrition is now complete. It is time to put this awful episode behind us and move on.

BREAKING: Kramer to Issue 1,000th Apology Later Today!

So, following Michael "Kramer" Richards' onstage meltdown, he has apologized in several public fora, expressed deep regret, and repeatedly renounced his own use of racial epithets. Now, the venue in which he lobbed N-bombs indiscriminately wants him to donate $1 million to charity for each n-bomb he loosed. I suppose once he's done with that, that's left to do is for Richards to check into rehab.

And of course you have the ubiquitous demagogues telling us that whatever he does to atone is not enough, and it indicative of some larger racism problem that is ingrained in the very DNA of America blah blah blah blah blah.

Pffft.

Remember the old saw "sticks and stones..."? Apparently that's gone out of vogue. The new truism is more like "I'm here, waiting to be offended." Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe - just maybe - the dudes heckling Richards got so far under his skin and enraged him so much that he just lost it and lashed back at them in the vilest way he could think of? Given that the hecklers were black, it wasn't hard for him to figure out what that might be.

We've all been there. Someone angers us to the point that we want to hurt them as bad as possible, in almost all cases, short of violence.

SISYPHUS ADDS: Hey Foot - you suck!

LEARNED FOOT RESPONDS: Hey! Who let you in here?

SISYPHUS: You suck at this blogging thing! And your grasp of quantum physics is Carmen Elektra-like!

LEARNEDFOOT: Who let the goddam polack in here?

SISYPHUS: gasp

LEARNEDFOOT: Yeah, you heard me. You're nothing but a dirty polack! Oooo look at the big polack in the Hawaiian shirt insulting me! Oooooo!

SISYPHUS: Dude, that was uncalled for!

LEARNEDFOOT: What? 'Cuz I called you a "polack"? You're nothing but a f**king polack! POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK and POLACK!!!!!

Whaddya think of that, polack?

SISYPHUS: You're nothing but a failure! You had - what? - that one Vikings Sex Boat Orgy Day and that was it! If you had any talent, you'd be blogging at -

LEARNEDFOOT: POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK POLACK!!!! F**king polack!

SISYPHUS: ...the Nihilist in Golf Pants! Dude... this is totally uncalled for! You dago greaseball ginney wop goomba!

LEARNEDFOOT: Oh so we're calling names now???!!!

SISYPHUS: Hey, you started it!

LEARNEDFOOT: Ooooo!!! They're gonna call the cops on the ginney just because he used the word "polack"!

SISYPHUS: I think you're losing it, man.

LEARNEDFOOT: Shut up, polack! This liveblog - er - whatever this is, is over!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Remedial Retail

Dear Target,

As you may or may not be aware, your department stores have a return policy. It's a perfectly standard and serviceable policy: bring back the thing you don't want with a receipt in a reasonable amount of time, and you get your money back. That's nice. However, I think that there is something that you have failed to take into account when executing said policy.

You see, there are myriad reasons why a customer may want to return a purchase. Maybe the thing isn't exactly what was needed. Maybe it turned out to be the wrong size. Maybe they found a better deal elsewhere at a later time.

However, one of the major reasons customers return merchandise is because, as we say out here in the Rubeburbs, the shit don't work. The product is defective or damaged. In fact, this is one of the major reasons to allow returns.

That being said, it would be very helpful if, when accepting returned merchandise, you would have your employees inquire as to the reason for the return. Or, failing that - inspect the returned product to ensure that it is suitable for purchase by another person. Should a customer return something that is defective - that is, the shit don't work - then please please please pretty please

DON'T PUT THE DEFECTIVE PRODUCT BACK ON THE FUCKING SHELF FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO PURCHASE, ONLY TO HAVE TO RETURN IT - AGAIN - WASTING THE TIME AND MONEY OF ALL PARTIES INVOLVED!!!!!!!

[Sam Kinneson]Ahhh - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!![/Sam Kinneson]

This happened with two - TWO - sets of Christmas lights that I bought recently in two separate - SEPARATE - visits to my local Target store. The packages had obviously been opened by someone else, and the product inside did not work. This means that the drones at the Customer "Service" counter were taking returned merchandise and returning it promptly to the retail floor without so much as a cursory examination as to whether the damned things lit up or not.

This has happened with other products I have purchased in the past at Target too. One time it was a coffee maker that wouldn't turn on. After a little more examination, I noticed coffee grounds in the brewing basket.

I hadn't put them there.

Would it kill your bottom line to make your staff inspect returned merchandise - or ask the customer of there's a defect - before putting it back into the stream of commerce. And really that inspection part is extremely crucial. For instance, I notice that your store sells thongs. What if some lady with a penchant for olestra potato chips (and afflicted with the attendant problem associated with them) tried on her new TargetThong when she got home and found it to be a bit too snug? Would you put that baby back on the rack in all its newly rosebudded glory?

Which reminds me...

If you are a potential Target customer in the market for a thong, may I suggest a KAR thong? Guaranteed 100% fecal matter-free. Get your KAR Thong today! Makes a great stocking stuffer too!

By the company we keep

You be the judge.

Meet Senator Super Nanny


A new Super Nanny will be sworn-into the Minnesota State Senate in January and she’s bound and determined to protect you against “Big Gift Card”:

…a long-standing DFL proposal to ban expiration dates and service fees on gift cards faces improved prospects in the 2007 Legislature.

"It's a common-sense consumer protection bill that most Minnesotans would support," Rep. Katie Sieben, DFL-Newport, said at a news conference Wednesday.

I guess I’m among the minority of Minnesotans who believe this bill is an insult to the intelligence of every consumer in this state. I, for one, don’t need help from Nancy or any other Nanny-State Leftist.

I can decide for myself whether I want to purchase a gift card from a company that charges monthly fees.

Simply put, Nancy, get the hell out of my life.

For all the talk about the crisis in healthcare and the crisis in education, I find it pathetic that Nancy Sieben is hell bent on taking on an issue that isn’t an issue at all.

The Nanny-State mentality of the Left is truly frightening and anyone who voted for this particular airhead should be embarrassed.

Another Elitist Numbnuts Editorialist Makes Fool of Self

Remember: you can't spell "Arrogant Douchebag Strib Editorial" without "S-T-R-I-B":

Another community makes a fool of itself

It's a continual source of amazement in U.S. life that frequently those who yell the loudest about the need to protect "American values" don't have a clue about what those supposedly cherished values actually involve.

It's a continual source of amazement in KAR-Nation that frequently those who yell the loudest about xenophobia and "diversity" don't have a clue about anything outside the 494-694 loop.

The latest community to embarrass itself with a public display of such cluelessness is the small burg of Pahrump, Nev.

NonMonkey wrote this one, didn't he? C'mon - fess up.

If not, then it must be Boyd. It was Boyd, right? They're the only two who think name-calling is the same thing as argument.

It's gotta be Boyd...

It's a desert community about 65 miles northwest of Las Vegas and hard by the California border. Apparently the good citizens of Pahrump have a lot of barely concealed animosity toward Mexico and those who come from there -- although evidence is in short supply as to precisely what harm things Mexican have caused Pahrump.

Or perhaps it's that they realize - unlike anyone who works at 425 Portland Avenue, apparently - that life is so much easier for everyone - especially Mexicans - when people can communicate with each other.

At a meeting two weeks ago, the Pahrump Town Board passed an ordinance making English the official town language, an act of breathtaking arrogance in itself, presuming as it does that English needed Pahrumpian protection.

**SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORK**

Sorry. The use of the term "breathtaking arrogance" in a Strib editorial generally, and this one specifically, just made my half-chewed chicken sandwich shoot out my nose.

You get the gist of the attitude in the village from the motion made by board member Michael Miraglia (good Italian name that), who wrote the proposed ordinance. "I make a motion, for all the servicemen and women that died for our country, that we pass PTO 54, the English Language and Patriot Reaffirmation Ordinance," Miraglia said.

Goodness, the things that are done in the name of dead servicemen and women, many of which must cause national cemeteries to jiggle with the simultaneous revulsive turnings in so many graves.

No. It's definitely NonMonkey. Whatever happened to the Strib's vaunted "separation between editorial board and newsroom"?

But the Italian-American's ordinance, which passed on a 3-2 vote, did not stop with language. It also prohibits anyone from displaying the flag of a foreign nation in Pahrump unless the American flag flies above it.

Speaking on behalf of the "Italian-American Community" to the Smug Poopypantsian-American community, we prefer to simply be called "Americans".

Now news can travel slowly in the desert, but surely word has reached Pahrump by now that the most prized freedom for which those servicemen and women died is freedom to speak one's mind. You can do that with words, but you can also do that by displaying a Mexican flag or even, gasp, an Italian one.

Yes, but it is extremely difficult to order a pizza, help your kids with their homework and get a decent job if everybody around you speaks English (as is quite common in these United States, you know) and you do not. You might even say that an inability to speak the prevailing language hurts your chances of getting any distance between you and the poverty line.

I'm beginning to think that the Strib is racist against Latinos. They seem content to have the language barrier continue to serve as a sort of glass ceiling, keeping the immigrant mired in poverty. That way, the Strib, and other liberals like them, feel needed.

There, I said it. Jim Boyd and others like him are bigots. And poopypantses.

The Pahrump ordinance is obviously unconstitutional on its face, as a representative of the American Civil Liberties Union tried to tell Pahrumpians when they weren't busy shouting her down. In due course, Pahrump will get tired of the legal bills and retire this ordinance, or it will be ordered to retire it by the courts.

Um, watch those legal terms, Jim. I'm not a print journalist, so I would never presume to use terms like, er, "pica"... or something, with out knowing what it means. The flag part of the ordinance may be unconstitutional because it carries a penalty (unlike the constitutional federal American Flag Code which it follows), but the rest of it likely isn't.

You did read the ordinance didn't you? You would have loved it: the word "diversity" appears about 14 times in the preamble.

But isn't it galling that people with so little regard for real American values would presume to defend them, and so thoroughly violate them in the process
.

Let's tic off the "American Values" the Strib presumes to represent:

* Speech codes

* Gay marriage

* Lutefisk

* European-style socialism

* Guilty until proven innocent

I'm sure you can think of more.

Chemoscare-apy

A day after the Festive Thanksgiving Feast and a day before the Festive Festooning of the House With Lights, Mrs. Foot and I festively visited with her oncologist for the first time. It was a kind of cancer treatment orientation, where he went over Mrs. Foot's treatment options, the particular pathology of her tumor (which I have taken to calling "Rahelio"), and peppered us with a whole bunch of other information.

The doctor talked at length about chemotherapy: how it works; general effectiveness, stated in terms of odds of recurrence within ten years; side effects; etc. At this time, we're not sure if Mrs. Foot will undergo chemotherapy, but we'll have a better idea in a couple of weeks. The doctor will be performing a genetic test on Rahelio, to help us figure out more precisely how effective chemo will be.

The nurse provided us with fact sheets about the three chemotherapy drugs that would be used on Mrs. Foot. One of the tidbits about one of the drugs caught my eye. I don't have the sheet in front of me, so I'm paraphrasing closely here:

Technicians are specially trained to administer (name of drug) because (drug) can severely burn your skin.

!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah - shoot some of that shiznit right into my vein!

Reading that made me conjure an imaginary conversation between two hypothetical Army logistics officers right after the end of the Vietnam war:

Pvt. Parts: Say, Major, what should we do with all this leftover napalm?

Maj. Boner: Eh, let's inject it into my bloodstream to see if it kills precancerous cells.

I love the smell of chemotherapy in the morning.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Thanksgiving Weekend: Partial Agenda

1.)




2.)




3.)




4.)




5.)




6.)




7.)




8.)



9.)




10.)




11.)




13.)

Let the Voters Have the Race-Baiting Asshole They Deserve.

Joe Tucci's old pal Sequel and crew plan to attend the first Minneapolis school board meeting in which noted oreo-chucking moron and newly elected board member Chris Stewart / Rahelio Soleil will participate.

(Quick semi-irrelevant aside: has anyone else noticed that "Rahelio Soleil" is a combination of three allusions to the sun? "Ra" - the Egyptian sun god; "helio" - the Greek word for sun; and "Soleil - the French (Ben?) word for sun. Aside from the irony of taking his handle from an object that's most known for providing warmth and illumination, I believe that 'Sun sun sun" is actually a Barney song as well.)

Anyway, the idea is to put pressure on Stewart / Soleil to resign. I say, not so fast. I say, let Stewie stew in the mess he made.

I'm reminded of that scene from The Princess Bride:

Prince Humperdinck: First things first, to the death.

Westley: No. To the pain.

Prince Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.

Westley: I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.

Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.


Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.

Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it.

Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

The best way to stick it to a conceited, arrogant attention whore like Stewart is to remain silent after the initial gale of bad publicity has passed. Let him wonder what people are actually thinking of him. Let him sit up on that dais in the front of the board room and feel those eyes staring at him not knowing how many of those gazes are hostile. Let him marinate in his embarrassment.

Resignation provides closure and a reprieve from the psychological torment. I think that when a "person" slanders someone the way he slandered Smokin' Hot Tammy Lee, he ought to suffer for a while; feel the silent derision of the sane portions of the community. The politics of the Race Card is quickly beginning to lose its effectiveness because of the growing number of success stories among minorities combined with the overuse of it by intellectually vacant nimrods like Stewart. How fitting it would be if his image were forever (if only locally) linked to its ultimate demise.

But of course, Stewart might just be a psychopath, in which case he feels no twinge of guilt whatsoever. Still, there is another, better reason he ought to stay on the board.

The voters of Minneapolis deserve him. You see, this is what you get when you just mindlessly fill in the oval next to the candidate with the "D" next to his name (or, for that matter, the candidate endorsed by the Strib - as Stewart was). He's an embarrassment, but he's also their embarrassment. This jerk is more of the same type of cretin whose policies have allowed the city schools to lag behind the rest of the state. He's a demagogue and an excuse maker. People like that rarely solve problems, but often create them. They elected him - he's their problem now. If you happen to be an innocent victim living in Minneapolis who didn't vote for him, well, there are plenty of private schools.

Just don't count on any tax relief to pay the tuition, though.

If You See an Odd Object in the Sky Today...

...it's probably Noted Marquette Alumnus and rabid Blue and Gold Golden Avalanche Hilltoppers Warriors Golden Eagles Gold Golden Eagles fan Denbo floating happily through the air.

Happiness is unhappy Dookies.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

EDITOR'S NOTE TO READER'S REP POST

It has been brought to our attention that the previous post by KAR's reader's representative, read an awful lot like the column written by the Star Tribune's own reader's rep, published on Sunday.

That would be an astute observation.

So, the hell with it. LET'S ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KAR Reader's Rep: Is It Really Plagiarism When You Subconsciously Write Down Metal Lyrics While Listening to Your iPod, Thinking They're Original?

A bit of deja vu hit Cynical Vikings Guy as he read a KAR ThunderJournal post today, purporting to be an original work of authorship. He knew he had read some of it before -- not just the ideas, but some clever turns of phrase.

"THIS IS PLAGIARIZED!" he wrote, "I'm sure I read this in a Star Tribune editorial last week!"

Well, no. He didn't read it in a Star Tribune editorial. But let's face it: he could have.

A KAR editor began investigating what had happened. The results of his probe were described in an editor's note published on KAR today, which read in part: "Upon further investigation by the entire KAR editorial staff, it was discovered that there were no 'paraphrased ideas,' only direct quotes. In fact, in the entire poem, only two lines can be characterized as original writing."
Beyond that note, he said, his dual role as editor and supervisor prevented him from elaborating on a personnel matter -- always a frustration for editors whose first instinct is openness. The editor said the note was intended to explain to readers what happened, make Iron Maiden and the others "whole" and still be fair to the ThunderJournalist, whom he did not identify. He said everyone involved in the investigation concluded the misstep had been unintentional.

That meant I couldn't get answers to what would be natural questions in the minds of readers: Was the Thunderjournalist disciplined? Were previous epic poems by this writer checked for signs of plagiarism? Because the KAR staff develops positions as a group and writes anonymous postings, I can't check for that without knowing the writer's identity. That being the case, I am completely absolved of any further responsibility to our readers in this matter.

But this case is exceptional, cutting to the core of KAR's credibility. There are really only three reasons plagiarism occurs, one is far worse than the others, but none are good. Intentional plagiarism is a theft. Unintentional plagiarism reveals sloppiness. And plagiarism due to listening to one's iPod under the brutal combination stress and boredom is just dumb. None of these inspires reader confidence.

Unintentional plagiarism is a specter that haunts even meticulous writers: In the midst of a complex project, will I go back to my aging notes and accidentally pick up a phrase that should have been attributed to another writer? In other newspaper plagiarism cases, that has been the enduring explanation: It was a mistake, I misread my notes, I was rushing and I'll never do it again. Sometimes that's precisely what happened. But if there's any flair to the writing, it strains credulity to think a writer wouldn't recall someone else wrote it. So much has not been disclosed about this case I can't guess at this particular writer's mind-set.

So you see, dear reader, the fault is yours. You're the stupid dupe who thought that a KAR ThunderJournalist could pull off writing an epic poem; or even the lyrics to a really wicked cool metal tune. You're the fools who think that anybody on the Strib editorial board can process a single thought without checking with their intellectual idols on the east coast first.

Shame! For shame!

EDITOR'S NOTE TO EDITOR'S NOTE

In the previous editor's note rectifying an unintentional plagiarism problem in a prior post, it appears that the wording and cadence come suspiciously close to a similar errata made by the Minneapolis Star Tribune that appeared in that paper last Wednesday.

The writer of that post - who shall remain nameless, as per KAR editorial policy - assures us that it is merely an odd coincidence, and that he would never ever copy the hackneyed ideas or stylistic niceties of his supposed intellectual superiors.

Nonetheless, this employee has been punished for sounding too much like a Stib editorialist by being made to read every Jim Boyd column ever written while being force-fed spinach gratin.

KAR regrets any confusion the previous Editor's Note may have caused.

EDITOR'S NOTE

It has come to our attention that the previous post entitled "A Touch of Gravitas: The Old Sailor's Lament" contained phrases that should have been attributed to others. KAR owes readers an explanation of how this happened.

The writer composed the piece in question while listening to his iPod. Later, when editing the first draft, the writer inadvertently failed to distinguish which parts were direct quotes and which were paraphrased ideas, resulting in the writing of phrases that included an unattributed, improper mix of the two plus other points about the "ancient mariner."

Upon further investigation by the entire KAR editorial staff, it was discovered that there were no "paraphrased ideas," only direct quotes. In fact, in the entire poem, only two lines can be characterized as original writing.

To correct the record, KAR will now make the following attributions:

The second two lines of the third stanza are from a song called "Everlong" by an American Rock and Roll band called the "Foo Fighters"; The fifth stanza is a line from the Steve Martin feature film entitled L.A. Story; The fifteenth stanza comes from the song "Woke up this Morning" (better known as the theme song for the popular HBO series The Sopranos) by a rock and roll band named "A3"; The twentieth stanza is the chorus of the popular music song "Let It Rain" by British rock and rollers "Cream"; and the 25th stanza is a line from Shakespeare's Hamlet.

The balance of the author's poem, save for the first two lines of the third stanza is a word-for-word reprinting of a song called "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by the British band Iron Maiden. "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" was itself lifted from an 18th century poem of the same name by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. However, Iron Maiden did make attribution to Coleridge's work in the liner notes, so no excuse there, either.

KAR takes issues of ThunderJournalistic ethics and practice very seriously. We have addressed this issue with the writer and sincerely regret that it occurred.

A Touch of Gravitas: The Old Sailor's Lament

NOTE: For a long time I have aspired to write epic poetry. While waited for my lovely wife to get out of surgery last week, I found myself with ample time to pursue that dream. What follows is my first foray into the genre of epic poetry: a tale about an old salt, a tormented soul bound to walk the earth and bestow his hard-learned wisdom on those whom he meets. This is a completely original work of authorship.

The tale begins at a wedding reception, where our protagonist, a haggard and weary old salt encounters three guests; one is willing to hear his story...

THE OLD SAILOR'S LAMENT

Hear the rime of the ancient mariner
See his eye as he stops one of three
Mesmerises one of the wedding guests
Stay here and listen to the nightmares of the sea.

And the music plays on, as the bride passes by
Caught by his spell and the mariner tells his tale.

Engross'd 'fore he began, the guest did implore,
To the ancient mariner right then,
"The only thing I'll ever ask of you:
"You've got to promise not to stop when I say 'when'"

Driven south to the land of the snow and ice
To a place where nobody's been
Through the snow fog flies on the albatross
Hailed in gods name, hoping good luck it brings.

Oh pointy bird!
Oh pointy pointy!
Anoint my head!
Anointy 'nointy!

And the ship sails on, back to the north
Through the fog and ice and the albatross follows on.

The mariner kills the bird of good omen
His shipmates cry against what he's done
But when the fog clears, they justify him
And make themselves a part of the crime.

Sailing on and on and north across the sea
Sailing on and on and north 'til all is calm.

The albatross begins with its vengeance
A terrible curse a thirst has begun
His shipmates blame bad luck on the mariner
About his neck, the dead bird is hung.

And the curse goes on and on at sea
And the curse goes on and on for them and me.

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck nor breath nor motion
As idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean
Water, water everywhere and
All the boards did shrink
Water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink.

There calls the mariner
There comes a ship over the line
But how can she sail with no wind in her sails and no tide.

See...onward she comes
Onward she nears out of the sun
See, she has no crew
She has no life, wait but here's two.

Death and she life in death,
They throw their dice for the crew
She wins the mariner and he belongs to her now.
Then...crew one by one
They drop down dead, two hundred men
She...she, life in death.
She lets him live, her chosen one.

Mama always said you'd be the Chosen One.
She said: You're one in a million you've got to burn to shine,
But you were born under a bad sign, with a blue moon in your eyes.

One after one by the star dogged moon,
Too quick for groan or sigh
Each turned his facce with a ghastly pang
And cursed me with his eye
Four times fifty living men
(and I heard nor sigh nor groan)
With heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
They dropped down one by one.

The curse it lives on in their eyes
The mariner wished he'd die
Along with the sea creatures
But they lived on, so did he.

And by the light of the moon
He prays for their beauty, not doom
With heart he blesses them
God's creatures all of them too.

Then the spell starts to break
The albatross falls from his neck
Sinks down like lead into the sea
Then down in falls comes the rain.

Let it rain.
Let it rain!
Let your love rain down on me!

Hear the groans of the long dead seamen
See them stir and they start to rise
Bodies lifted by good spirits
None of them speak and they're lifeless in their eyes

And revenge is still sought, penance starts again
Cast into a trance and the nightmare carries on.

Now the curse is finally lifted
And the mariner sights his home
Spirits go from the long dead bodies
Form their own light and the mariner's left alone.

And then a boat came sailing towards him
It was a joy he could not believe
The pilots boat, his son and the hermit,
Penance of life will fall onto him.

Get thee to a nunnery!

And the ship sinks like lead into the sea
And the hermit shrieves the mariner of his sins.

The mariners bound to tell of his story
To tell this tale wherever he goes
To teach God's word by his own example
That we must love all things that God made.

And the wedding guests a sad and wiser man
And the tale goes on and on and on.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Earworm Wars 7 or 8: Fellas, It's Been Good to Know Ya'!

Andy, Leo? You suck at earworm wars.

See, the point isn't to pick just any old annoying song. It's got to be a song that stays with you to the point of insanity. Hell, a good earworm doesn't even need to be a crappy song at all. Case in point:



While this song is hardly annoying the first 18 or 20 times your brain replays it against your will, by January you will be praying for death.

And thus, the legend does indeed live on.

A role model for all girls

Scarlett Johansson has emerged as a roll model for all girls with the comments I’ve linked here:

The LOST IN TRANSLATION star last month (10OCT06) boasted about being so "socially aware" she gets tested for HIV twice a year.

When I was growing up, Scarlett would not have been called “socially aware”.

My friends and I would have called her a “Hose-Bag” which is the abbreviated form of GBHBSHHGer which is the acronym for:

Greasy-Bitch, Hose-Bag, Sea-Hag, Head-Giver.

Seriously a folk, how sick and twisted is this chick’s life that she feels the need to be tested for AIDS every 6-months? And she tries to pass it off as a virtue, A VIRTUE.

The wench tacitly admits that she spreads her legs at the drop of a hat, but it’s not a problem because she gets a twice-yearly blood test.

Who takes these freaks of nature seriously, other than themselves and “enlightened” European? Why are continually subjected to opinions that are based on their completely distorted views of the world?

Just read the words provided, make your silly movies and bring home the millions while complaining that the government doesn’t do enough to help the poor.

Then show up at annual slate of self-congratulatory, aren’t we fucking great award shows, wearing the ribbon of the year and spewing platitudes that keep your adoring fans actually thinking you care about them.

As Lena Lamont said in Singin’ in the Rain:

Ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you how thrilled we are at your reception for "The Dancing Cavalier", our first musical picture together. If we bring a little joy Into your humdrum lives, we feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothing.

Scarlett, my dear, I don’t give a damn about you, your screw-at-will lifestyle, or your childish opinions.

Comfortable Sameness: Keillor Still an Unfunny Twerp; 9 Chickweed Lane Still Sucks

I wonder how Garrison Keillor has gotten through life without someone breaking his nose. Really. In the good ol' days, excessive smugness was kept in check by a well-placed bop to the noggin. When a jerk went around proclaiming he was smarter than all you dopes and insulting the populations of entire states, he was either roundly ignored, or his face briefly served as a Fist Decelleration Device. Now, these people get a syndicated newspaper column and movie deals. The fact that Keillor in all his faux sophisticate condescention and publicly subsidized unfunnniness still has a nose that resembles a nose is a further testament to the decline of American Civilization.

Oh sure, his latest divel can be passed off as "satire" or "humor." Problem is, it's not funny. Just smug:

Democrats intend to bring reform to Washington, and why not begin with the United States Senate? It has been sorely in need of reform for a century or so. Two senators per state is a good idea in theory, assuming they are half smart, but then you look at George Allen, a lumbering frat boy from the state of Madison and Jefferson, and you think, whoa, something is wrong with this picture. We need some horizontal control.

There it is. Again. "Half smart." "Frat boy." You'd think that anyone as intelligent and, er, nuanced as Keillor and his ilk think they are could come up with something new. I'm guessing he blew his creative insult wad with his "nihilist in golf pants" hissy fit a couple of years ago.

And incidentally, if I remember correctly, that tirade made insulting use of "frat boy" as well. Y'all should probably be careful about that: approximately one-quarter of KAR's Pantheon of ThunderJournalism All Stars was a "frat boy". And he's the one you'd least like to piss off, if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo - Mr. My-Nose-Makes-For-a-Tasty-Target has a solution in search of a problem: the "dumb" states have too many Senators:

Let's start at the beginning and redraw the map. First of all, is there a reason for Wyoming to exist as a state? I have often wondered about this. Why give two Senate seats to a half-million dime-store cowboys while California gets two seats for 34 million people? (Wyoming has roughly the population of Sacramento.) It's okay if Wyoming sends somebody with brains and an independent streak, but when they send a couple of Republican hacks, then it makes no sense.

But California inflicting both Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein on us somehow does make sense...

The idea behind the Senate was to create a sheltered body of wise counselors who, because they don't have to shill for money perpetually, can rise above the petty tumult and think noble thoughts and do the right thing in a pinch. Can you think of a time when Wyoming's senators have done this? No, you can't. So let's bite the bullet and make Wyoming a federal protectorate and appoint an overseer. This would be a good assignment for Halliburton. It's done a heck of a job in Iraq, and let's give it Wyoming and, while we're at it, Alaska. A wonderful postcard place, but what have its congressmen done other than grub for federal largesse for Alaska? Change the name to Denali and put Halliburton in charge of it.

You know, I have a better idea. How about we fence in all the ultra-blue central cities in America. They can be free to build their Utopian Sustainable Urban Communities (USUC) - on their own dime of course - while the rest of us can get on with our lives without the annoying white-noise arrogant harping from taxpayer subsidized know-nothings. Oh sure, life in the USUCs would be great, with a rollicking arts scene and ample transit - right up until the time everybody in them starves to death.

Now that would be funny. Unlike Keillor.

What? Mass starvation of liberals wouldn't be funny?

Aw shucks. I guess you're right.

Um... OK. How about Sunday's 9 Chickweed Lane "comic" strip? After all, in a dreary world that inflicts douchebags like Garrison Keillor on us and calls it humor, what could be funnier than good old 9CWL?

Well anything really. Don't bother clicking through the link to Sunday's strip above. I can do it just as much justice by describing it to you:

PANEL 1: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 2: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 3: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 4: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 5: Two diagonal lines on a converging path.

PANEL 6: Two diagonal lines on a converging path. Text box reads, "Hallmarks of felinity"

PANEL 7: Two diagonal lines on a converging path. Text box reads, "Always one sharp toenail"

PANEL 8: Two diagonal lines converge at a cat.

Ha ha! I don't know about you, but I just laughed so hard that I pooped in my pants!

OK. I didn't. Plus la change... (Or however that French saying goes.)

Conventional Wisdom For Liberals

Every liberal knows that every conservative - especially in places like Mississippi - is a knuckle-dragging homophobe.

Right?

Someone tell Fecke:

Okay, maybe I’m just reading too much into things, but did Jonah Goldberg just imply that Trent Lott is gay?

Lott is detail-oriented, collegial with an Old World gentility — as well as a certain sexual confidence befitting a former cheerleader at Ole Miss.

I’m trying to find another way to parse the sentence, and failing.

On the one hand, having read Fecke for about a year more than once ever, that whole "trying to [figure it out]...and failing" thing is kinda par for the course.

So I'll break it down for ya, Jeff: the stereotype male cheerleader is gay (I don't make up the stereotypes; don't bugger the messenger). Mississippians (stereotypically - see above) don't like gay guys. Lott was a male cheerleader. And yet Lott is straight.

This implies a certain amount of confidence in one's sexuality - perhaps inconsistent with being a liberal, but certainly not that hard to figure out.

Happy to help.

I keep trying, and failing, to parse why "moderate" libruls hate gay people so much.

Friday, November 17, 2006

That's it

Due to the previous post from Dementee, KAR is closed for the weekend for retooling.

Hold on to your lunch

Your're gonna love this one.



Scroll down.



You won't be disappointed.



I promise.



Trust me.



Have I ever steered you wrong?




Almost there.



Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fright.




Ta-Da



Earworm Wars 6 - Never Surrender

Sure Bill, you may be badass. But me and my party people is da baddest asses anywhere (shake your derrierre):



Had enough? Fine, I'll give ya' a break. Here you go:




I am evil.

The end is near...

On August 6, 1945, a horrible weapon was dropped on Hiroshima with the aim of bringing the Pacific conflict to a halt. This is reminiscent of my attempt to bring the earworm wars to cessation with this.

For Japan in 1945, it took one more hit on August 9 at Nagasaki, and it looks like the earworm wars will not go quietly into the good night. And so I am forced to detonate this...



I want unconditional surrender.

LEARNEDFOOT RETORTS: A formidable foe, I see. But you underestimate the power of the...

Earworm Wars 5 - I Can't Stop This Earworm Deep Inside of Me

Bill provoked me.

Now he'll be humming this while he's decorating his next pie:



Wretchedly bad video to boot. Call it a two-fer.

Moron Moronic Spoiled Child Mail

Here we are a week and a half after the election, and the moonbats, not content with their sweeping victories (at least 2 of which were embarrassingly undeserved) last Tuesday, are still bitching that mommy and daddy gave them a Porche rather than the Lotus they really wanted.

Oh no, it wasn't enough to have nearly half of the Strib letters section was comprised of shrieking DFL children bitching about Mike Hatch's loss the day after the election. Today you get a perfect crapfecta of an institutional voice temper tantrum on the subject of the eeeeeeevil Independence Party, and a "letter of the day" authored by a former member of said institutional voice, who's bitchy, dissociative and mirthless wife never has any trouble getting line inches in the Strib to spew her half-informed garbage at the masses.

And given all the noise these juveniles are making about this you can't help but wonder if they'd be throwing similar fits if the third party tacked conservative.

Remember Ross Perot? Anyone? Buhler?

Maybe they're too young - they sure are acting like it. On to Mr. Susan Lenfestey's hissy fit:

Former Independence Party chair Jack Uldrich's apologia for his party's continuing deleterious role in Minnesota electoral politics draws exactly the wrong conclusion from this year's governor's race, in which an IP candidate once again threw the election to Gov. Tim Pawlenty.

No, the voters threw the election to Pawlenty.

Let's hope IP candidate Peter Hutchinson's abysmal 6.4 percent showing, down from Tim Penny's 16 percent in 2002, proves the death of the Independence Party, now a "major party" in name only, and the statewide Green Party as well.

No mention of the Libertarian or Constitution Parties....

Ken Pentel, perennial Green Party candidate for governor, polled 10,850 votes this election, utterly meaningless for "green politics" but more than enough to play spoiler were the election as close as the Senate races in Virginia and Montana.

The DFL Party certainly deserves blame for Hatch's loss. It willfully ignored Hatch's obvious personality flaws and highly public overreaching as attorney general. Nevertheless, 53 percent of voters did not support a second term for Pawlenty.

And an even higher percentage did not support Hatch. I'm curious as to how someone as intellectual and nuances as you undoubtedly believe you are could have missed that little factoid.

Sadly, Hutchinson chose to ignore his real political opportunity. Had he run as the moderate "Clinton" Democrat his record shows he is, he would have pushed the DFL party's endorsement process more toward the center, buttressing state Sen. Steve Kelley's argument during the DFL nominating process that the electorate wanted a more moderate candidate than Mike Hatch.

I doubt it. The DFL is hardly moderate. And the delegates who participate in the nominating process are the truest of true believers. The DFL needs more moderate delegates, not more moderate candidates. Their rejection of Kelly proves that. Nice try though.

Kelley narrowly lost the nomination to Hatch. Instead, Hutchinson's futile IP candidacy once again boosted Republican Pawlenty into the win column, as analyses by WCCO and others have made clear.

Let's hope this time the third-party idea vanishes, and Minnesota [You meant DFL there, right? -ed.] can return to majority rule.

[WARNING - the following paragraph contains yelling. readers are advised to turn down the volume on their browsers.]

Yes because its soooooo much easier to blame your party's failure on a SYSTEM THAT BEEN IN PLACE FOR DECADES than to accept the fact that you ran a shitty cadidate with a temper problem and a hard on for HMOs and little else. It's easy to see why all those people like you, Mr. Susan Lenfesty, would stomp their feet and lash out at "the system" when by the very virtue of the philosophy you ascribe to calls for 'compassion' (as you see it) to be expressed through a vote for some political candidate rather than taking a crowbar to YOUR FAT FUCKING WALLET AND DOING SOMETHING THAT'S ACTUALLY CONSTRUCTIVE YOUR OWN-DAMN-SELF!!!!! HOW DARE THE UNTEACHABLY IGNORANT ELECTORATE AND SOME QUIXOTIC THIRD PARTY STAND BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CHARITY!!! ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*ahem*

That's how children and lazy people behave, Mr. Susan, and it's the only - The ONLY - reason you want to supress a robust third party. Because, for now, it helps your party. Keep in mind that could change: the IP party could tack to the right. In fact, I'd bet on it, given the fact that your diseased braindead party now controls substantial power in both houses of the State Legislature and all but one executive office.

But if that happens, I'm sure this fetid piece of bitter brain turd will be the last we hear from you on the subject right? RIGHT?

Go to your room, you child.

JAMES P(oopypants) LENFESTEY, MINNEAPOLIS

Ain’t too young to fisk

I don’t like picking on our youth, but here goes.

The following letter has me gravely concerned for the next generation’s ability to fend for themselves, to survive in the world without turning to one “community” or another to get them through the day.

Teach us better dances

Is it a surprise to anyone that sexual dances are becoming more prevalent at teen dances (
'As dancing turns dirtier, schools get stricter,' Nov. 13)?

Not surprised, just disgusted. Too many parents abdicate parenting to be their kid’s friend. They don’t want the little darlings to get upset so the word “no” disappears from their vocabulary and boundaries are erased.

Teenagers used to do a variety of dances that were fun, and yet still not sexually explicit. They did that because they knew other dances that were more appropriate.

And your point is?

The only difference between dances then and now is that we learn our moves off of MTV. It's all we see.

I see. Your point is that you and your peers are brainless twits who have no capacity to think for yourselves. Here’s a suggestion: Stop the pelvic thrusts, turn off the crap MTV spews and pop in a DVD. I recommend Top Hat and Singin’ in the Rain for starters.

Spend a little time with Fred and Ginger, Gene Kelley, Donald O’Connor and Debbie Reynolds if you want to see real dancing.

Administrators making up rules won't make teens dance differently. What will help teens dance in other ways is teaching them other dances.

Bull and shit to that, my dear. You’re gonna keep rubbing your ass into his crotch regardless of what you’re taught.

If we're given the opportunity to learn other dances, we'll dance in ways that are more appropriate.

Are you and your friends so devoid of brain matter that you are incapable of finding ways to move your body that don’t simulate – if not stimulate – vertical screwing. And do you really think, for one minute, that a dance class or two is going to change the way you horn-dogs move on the dance floor?

Either you are incredibly naive or you think adults are just plain stupid.

Teaching dance is the most effective solution,

No, the most effective solution is for teens to stop acting like a bunch of randy rabbits that are only looking to get laid.

but for that, dancers in the community need to step up and share their talents with local teens.

There it is…the Hillary Clinton Village concept. Take some responsibility you slut. No one forces you to simulate sex acts on the dance floor. It is you, and you alone, who controls your actions. No “dancers in the community” are obligated to teach you how not to give the boys hard-ons when you shake your ass.

If they're willing to teach, they'll find an audience ready to embrace the art of dance.

They are willing to teach, my young misguided tramp. There are dance studios sprinkled throughout the Twin Cities. All you have to do is pick one and sign up for a class.

MARIA D. (author’s name withheld to prevent embarrassment)
St. Paul
The writer is a sophomore at Central High School.


This is what we’ve come to. Maria is so helpless; she needs help to keep from dancing like a porn star wannabe because she can’t figure it out for herself.

What a sad and pathetic example of a wretchedly permissive society.

Her parents should be ashamed.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Signs, signs, everywhere the signs...

I just received this email:



I know it is hard to read, so I will decipher the pertinent sentence:

"According to Minnesota law, all lawn signs must be removed by tomorrow, November 17th."

Does this apply to Wellstone signs from the 2002 election as well?

Liveblogging My Day at the City Pages Office

NOTE: The City Pages has taken a little heat for a recent article it published about the GOP election night party that contained certain scenarios that seemed to be a little too conveniently close to its authors' preconceived notions. As an outreach effort to foster understanding, the Editor in Chief of the City Pages invited me to witness firsthand a typical day for its staff. Below are my extemporaneous observations that I assure you were not made up or written in advance.

800: I arrive at the CP city desk. Nobody is here.

900: Still nobody.

1000: Vacant. I'm thinking about leaving.

1034: City Pages springs to life! A disheveled staff member stumbles in looking like he just rolled out of the rack. He's got bloodshot, squinty eyes and a severe case of bedhead. He ambles over to his workspace, pulls a 4-foot bong out from under his desk and sparks up.

1100: The staff are starting to roll in now. Everyone looks like they're operating on 1 hour of sleep, like the first guy. The place is beginning to reek of patchouli.

1110: Daily nondenominational Moment of Silence for Paul Wellstone.

1115: Paul Demko walks in wearing a Little Bo Peep outfit. He also appears to be slathered in vegetable oil.

1130: Lunch time. My contact informs me that a lot of the female staff use their lunchbreak to get abortions.

1230: Coversation overheard near photocopier: "Sure blacks are dumber than us, just like Republicans, conservatives, suburbanites, exurbanites, farmers, Christians, Jews, Zoroastrians, rural hicks and pretty much everybody else; but as long as they keep voting the right way, we really can't say anything, ya' know."

1300: Staff meeting. Today's topic: What is the most efficient method to exterminate the Corporatist Pigs and install a glorious new Maoist regime.

1315: Some of the folks at the sports desk are throwing darts at a picture of Jesus.

1327: Everybody here has The Nihilist in Golf Pants as their homepage. Curious.

1400: Daily conference call with Geoge Soros and Fidel Casto.

1430: There's a gay orgy going on in the bathroom.

1445: Beginning to wonder when they will start doing newspaper stuff.

1515: PANIC IN ADVERTISING! Terror sweeps the department on news that revenue from gay "escort" classified ads has only grown 5% from last month. One of them hasily runs to the bathroom to see if anyone in there is interested in a career change.

1530: The next issue's Tom Tomorrow cartoon arrives. Talking penguins are funny!

1535: Upon reflection, this Tom Tomorrow comic is just as unfunny and detatched from reality as its 35,000 previous installments. Must be getting high on the patcouli fumes.

1550: just noticed that every. single. person. in the newsroom is wearing some sort of fashion-forward, nerd chic eyeglasses.

1600: I continue to be looked down upon, condescended to, and ignored by every person in the building. It sucks to be so unhip, what with me having children and refusing to wear non-prescription eyeglasses and all.

1615: Uh oh. Someone here must have read this liveblog. They're accusing me of making all this shit up based on my own stereotypes. It occurs to me that Demko may also have a dildo up his butt while he bends over to offer homage to the portrait of Paul Welstone on the wall, thinking of ways to confiscate private property and escheat it to the glorious State. How does he fit in his hybrid anyway?

1616: He uses the light rail train -duh!

1630: Everyone's put in a hard 4 and a half hours of work. The entire staff is off to 1st Avenue. This liveblog is over!

Earworm War: The Ultimate Weapon

"I am become death, the destroyer of worlds." Robert Oppenheimer, quoting from the Bhagavad Gita



May God have mercy on our souls.

The Condensed Haiku of Consolidation

Reader’s Digest...to
...be acquired by...group for...
1.6 billion
.

Meet the face of Totalitarianism

Dave Warden is a member of the city council in Belmont, California.

He is dictator in training. Totalitarianism is his religion and he is a scary son of a bitch.

If you value freedom you’ll agree that Dave Warden needs to be locked-up for life. To be fair, the entire council should be placed in a remote prison somewhere in northern Russia. That would put them close to their spiritual home.

Wanted for crimes against freedom are:

Mayor: Phillip Mathewson 650.591.1040 (term ends 11/07)
Vice Mayor: Coralin Feierbach 650.593.3550 (term ends 11/09)
Council member: Dave Warden 650.593.3270 (term ends 11/07)
Council member: William Dickenson 650.593.3940 (term ends 11/09)
Council member: Warren Lieberman 650.620.0000 (term ends 11/09)

For those who think I’m joking, I am not. These are dangerous people and need to be removed from society. This is only the beginning.

If you fear the Patriot Act, rest easy, it is local government – such as the Soviet-like Belmont, California City Council – that should cause you concern.

Slimy, freedom-hating, power-hungry, scuzzballs such as this group of little-Stalins take away our rights, bit by bit, and it’s always for “the good of the masses”.

They tell us second-hand smoke is bad and people should not be subjected to it, yet this particular group of Bolsheviks is also banning smoking in the privacy of your own car.

The Communist dirtballs tell us they will still allow you to smoke in your home. Not on your deck, not in your yard, but only in your single family detached home…for now.

The Belmont, California Politburo is working furiously to find a way to enact a ban in your home, too. I can’t prove it, but history is on my side and I will be proven right.

“Hate” is a strong word, but it is not strong enough to describe my feelings for Comrade Mathewson, Comrade Feierbach, Comrade Warden, Comrade Dickenson, and Comrade Lieberman.

They and their like-minded Communist friends are more dangerous than any terrorist and must be stopped.

San Francisco: Moonbat Central

Does anyone else see the self-defeating nature of San Fran's decision to oust J.R.O.T.C. programs from Frisco schools? It can be argued that a primary tenet of Islamic rage and subsequent attacks on the West has to do with the perceived decadence of our society. It might be further argued that a large part of that decadence is our tolerance of the gay lifestyle. Now, San Fran is undermining the very institution that will stand up to these thugs and defend all Americans' rights to live as they so choose.

It's just like Khruschev said: We'll sell them the rope to hang us with.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Earworm Wars 4 - Attack of the Eurotechnocrap

I've been out of the loop, so I don't know if there have been any more developments in the Earworm Wars.

And for that, you all must be punished.



This one possesses a very insidious quality. While, yes, it is crappy from top to bottom, there is one particular short part that gets caught in your head, and nothing short of a Glock can knock it out.

I'm sure you know what I mean by now. Mwah ha ha ha ha !

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO THE GUY WHO KEEPS FIRING "RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD" AT US: Knock it off. It doesn't work. C'mon Barbie let's go party.

Shift!

I sure am glad the Democrats in the Senate have decided to take a middle-of-the-road approach with their re-found power. One might have assumed they would run to the far left as soon as…

What’s that?

Click here?

Holy shit!

Schumer, Murray and Durbin in leadership roles?

Has Reid has lost his mind, or is he finally showing his true stripes?

Patty Murray is the idiot Senator who, in 2002, said Osama is popular around the world and the US is not, because he builds infrastructure while all we do is bomb other countries.

The woman is down-right warped.

And Dick Durbin:

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime — Pol Pot or others — that had no concern for human beings. Sadly, that is not the case. This was the action of Americans in the treatment of their prisoners."

Schumer is nothing but a hopeless Lefty who never met a tax increase he didn’t’ like.

I am not at all surprised that these three are in leadership positions. Harry Reid has proven himself to be a as radical as any of them, but he will be praised by the MSM for selecting an experienced and, yes, moderate leadership team.

Michael Moore is doing handsprings. Assuming he can get his fat ass to rotate.

God help us all when the Middle East explodes in all-out war.

Boobies!

Mrs. Foot's surgery was a smashing success. The surgeon removed the tumor (which he described as "very small") and one or two nodes through two inch and a half long incisions. The nodes showed no signs of cancer. We'll know for sure when we get the full pathology report tomorrow. If it reads as anticipated, we can then start taunting the cancer without fear of karmic repercussions.

The operation went so well, that I fear that I may have suffered even more than Mrs. Foot; while she was unconscious, I spent hours alone in the waiting room drowning in anxiety, the TV there tuned interminably to CNN, and feasting on a hospital cafeteria "cheeseburger." At least Mrs. Foot gets to take Percocet.

On an even lighter note, I saw a funny thing when I went to the parking lot to retrieve the Footmobile when the time to go home finally arrived. Parked across the aisle from my car was a shiny blue Toyota, sporting this bumper sticker. No, not some pale knockoff but the original, real deal. What would Reagan do, indeed?

He'd probably laugh, just like I did.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Earworm Wars 3 - Our Love Is Like a Ship on the Ocean

Oh yeah, Leo?

Well, KABOOM:



Mad ups to The Head for keeping the lights on at KAR.

(If there's anyone left that's sane enough to read it after this.)

We're off to the hospital.

Back To The Madhouse

Michele Bachmann won her election.

You'd think that would send a subtle hint to the Obsessive Stalker Loosers.

You'd be wrong. It's actually gotten worse.

Yep. Not only are they re-running their own comments as material for posts...

...they're using CJ as a source.

UPDATE: The links to the OSL site seem to be messed up. I'll see what I can do to fix them ASAP.

Minnesota Moron

I've been following the Chanhassen Hostage Drama this past few days. It's a sickening crime (although it's interesting how whenever a white family from the suburbs gets kidnapped, it's wall to wall news coverage, while whenever a brown or black family is kidnapped or driven around for days - silence!).

It's also the kind of thing where you can set your stopwatch for an appearance by...

(DRUM ROLL)

...some dipshit who's drawn a completely erroneous lesson from the whole incident! (SDWDACELFTWI!)

Today's DWDACELFTWI is Mike McGurk...

...no, really. Mike McGurk, from Taylor's Falls:
How terrifying it must have been for the Chanhassen family that was held at gunpoint and robbed by a home intruder last week. They need to know that all Minnesotans are coping with the horrors that they had to endure.
That's right. Ever since a @#$%^&* DFLer won in my House district, I feel like I'm in handcuffs and being driven to my ATM.
We like to think that we are Minnesota Nice, but then something like this happens to some newcomers, whom we now consider our own. We are a community that cares about one another.
Huh?

Has this guy ever moved to Minnesota? Minnesotans are cold to newcomers! "Minnesota Nice" is all about passive-aggressive! The kidnapper was probably the first Minnesotan to look these people square in the eye and give them a response that wasn't mewlingly passive-aggressive - especially in Chanhassen, the most dismal of all the suburbs.
He must be captured and held accountable for his actions.
Since Chanhassen is just outside Hennepin County, that might even happen!
One can only imagine what these unlucky people must think of us fellow Minnesotans. Let us do something about their misfortune by being kind to one another.
That's right, Mike. Because it's all of our faults that some piece of human vermin (who, if we'd had a concealed carry law ten years ago might have had his head justifiably blown off before the Chanhassen family moved to town) did what he did!

(Anyone want to lay odds that the kidnapper wasn't from Minnesota, either?)

By your logic, McGurk (I've always wanted to call someone "McGurk"), all of those Californians are to blame for that gawdawful Justin Timberlake record.

Get back to selling bait, McGurk, and leave the thinking to the real people.

And if the family from Chanhassen happens to read this; sorry about the ordeal and all. Please don't judge Minnesota by that piece of scum.

Or the guy who kidnapped you.

Shoe Spray Reviews

If buzzard drop off poopwagons when you walk past, a few words of wisdom for you:


Desenex Shoe Spray
: Excellent. Actually removes foot odor from shoes that had been worn without socks, to the gym! RATING: Five vomiting billygoats (VBGs)

Dr. Scholl's Shoe Spray: Start with a shoe that smells like a week old diaper in mid-August that's been soaked in spoiled meat. Apply Dr. Scholl's. End result: shoe that smells like a week old diaper in mid-August that's been soaked in spoiled meat with talcum powder on top. RATING: Zero vomiting bullygoats.

Hope this helps.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Moonchild Can Teach Us a Lot About Stair Surfing

The fastest two year old on stairs:



The boy is a prodigy I tells ya' - a prodigy!

(Kool Aid toast to Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo for the footage.)

Your Viking Fan Moron Moment of the Week

Fox's television coverage of the game yesterday included shots of a couple of Vikings fans in the stands dressed up like coach Brad Childress (Reusse mentions them in his column today. The dead tree version of the Strib also has a picture). They had it all going on: fake mustaches, headsets, and a mocked up version of Childress' ever-present lamenated "play menu."

If you looked closely at the "menu" held by the guy on the right, you saw that he had a play on there labeled "Off Tackle". However, his diagram of the off tackle play clearly showed the running back going between the center (for Vikings fans, that's the guy who snaps the football. "snap" means "passing the ball through his legs to the quarterback. The guy who plays quarterback for your team is Brad Johnson. You know; the guy you are constantly calling for to be benched) and the guard (again, for Vikings fans, the guard is the guy next to the center). As anybody who hasn't gotten hit by a hockey puck in the head several times knows, an "off tackle" run is a run designed to go to the outside of the tackle (for Vikings fans, "tackle" is not just a verb; it's also the guy who is next to the guard on the offensive line). What's more, this fan's diagram also has the left tackle going out for a pass.

!!!!!!

And that, of course, would be illegal, unless the tackle was declared an eligible receiver. But given the ample evidence that this faux Brad Childress has the typical Viking fan's football literacy, he probably wasn't aware of that rule either.

OPG: Sitting Pretty

Hi, Obnoxious Packer Guy (OPG) here to report that life is good. And I didn’t even get to see the Pack ritualisticly disembowel the Vikings yesterday. Excuse me while I refresh my glass of Cristal.

Ahh, good stuff. Now, here’s my story: Saturday morning I causally flipped open the sports section and stared in disbelief. I logged onto the internet and confirmed the information on several websites. Well, if Vegas is going to give away free money, I’m getting in line. I took off for my bank, emptied my accounts and put the cash in my carry on. At the airport, the screeners were suspicious that I had bought a last minute one-way ticket to Las Vegas and my only luggage was a bag of cash, but they waved me through when I said “Vikings are giving only three and a half to the Packers”.

Every once in awhile we see this early in the NFL season: the smart money doesn’t quite realize just how historically bad a team is and said team has enough delusional fans betting on them that the point spread becomes a joke. When these rare free money experiences surface, one must be ready to pounce. I didn’t get a hotel room for Saturday night – ALL of my available money was going on the Pack +3.5 over the Vikings (thank God for drink tickets).

I went up and down the strip spreading my bets across several different casinos so as not to bankrupt any one casino (okay, the real reason I placed multiple bets was so that no one ticket would be over the limit that must be reported to the IRS – the IRS can read the paper; if they want a piece of the action, they can make a bet like everyone else). I skipped church, confident that no divine intervention - or retribution - was necessary or warranted.

And, well, the rest is history. Donald Driver made Darren Sharper his bitch, and even the Pack's woeful D in the midst of a rebuidling effort could not out-suck the Vikings vaunted "3 and Out" offense.

Unfortunately, I blew all my winnings on several hundred cases of Cristal -about a week's supply.

Sadly, football handicappers are a fast learning bunch and the Vikings are unlikely to see a single-digit point spread the remainder of the season. But, I struck while the iron was hot and now I’m sitting pretty. Thank you, Brett Favre! Thank you, Packers! And most of all: thank you, Cynical Vikings Guy for the betting strategy.

"Today We Drink, For Tomorrow We Must Eat Hospital Food!"

Tomorrow, Mrs. Foot goes under the knife for a lumpectomy and sentinel node dissection. She seems upbeat, and I remain confident of her recovery abilities. Her mood was somewhat dampened by the little "So You're Going to Be Knocked Out and Sliced Open" pamphlet she received from her surgeon, informing her that she may not imbibe alcoholic beverages during the 24 hours immediately before the surgery. This means she only has about one hour left to slam as many bloody Marys as possible.

Speaking of slamming bloody Marys, I will now turn this ThunderJournal over to OPG.

Earworm Wars 2 - Attack of the Funky Chinamen!

And so the carnage continues, growing ever wider. I fear the Starland Vocal Bomb was less effective than I thought.

So be it, Jedi.

Keeping in mind that the effectiveness of a true earworm has less to do with how bad the song is than how annoying and persistent it is (think lobotomy) I offer this classic to torment you for the rest of the month:



I had the DJ play this song at my wedding reception. There were no women left on the dance floor by the second measure.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

A Very Special Message for Viking Fans From OPG

We r in ur metrodome killing all ur d00dz.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Welcome Buxom & Horny Internet Exhibitionists!!!

OK, who was the joker that posted a link to this post on a porn board? Fess up.

And send pictures.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Germany, Shmermany

Here’s one for you. As seen on Drudge:

GERMANY MAY BRING CHARGES AGAINST RUMSFELD OVER PRISON ABUSE

So, you’re probably asking, “Why Germany?” I know I did. And here’s what I found out:

Germany was chosen for the court filing because German law provides "universal jurisdiction" allowing for the prosecution of war crimes and related offenses that take place anywhere in the world.

Didn’t we fight a war or two because Germany was hell bent on “Universal Jurisdiction”?

And don’t you just love the irony that Germany wishes to use their law of universal jurisdiction to prosecute others who, in the eyes of German officials, are pursuing universal jurisdiction?

Germany, indeed most of Europe, is on the down slope to total irrelevance and complete annihilation.

In the not too distant future, we will be witness to the second coming of the Nazi Pogrom. The difference is it will be carried out by Islamofascist slime balls and their targets will be anyone who doesn’t conform to their bastardized view a religion that is in a state of arrested development.

“Careful Dementee, you don’t want to offend anyone”

Bullshit.

They are so afraid of offending a bunch of backward-ass religious fanatics; they’re willing to sell their souls to the devil if it means the dirty fucks will leave them alone.

What the chicken-shits don’t get is that the dirty fuck backward-ass religious fanatics want them DEAD. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD.

WHEN WILL YOU BRAIN-DEAD JACKASSES FIGURE IT OUT? THERE IS NO NEGOTIATING WITH THEM.

YOU CAN SACRIFICE THE ENTIRE BUSH ADMINISTRATION AND THE DIRTY FUCK BACKWARD-ASS ISLAMOFASCISTS WILL STILL KILL YOU.

AND YOU WILL DESERVE WHAT THEY BRING BECAUSE YOUR OWN STUPIDITY WILL HAVE BROUGHT IT ON.

Goodbye Europe. It’s been nice knowing ya.

Oh, before you walk into oblivion, I’d like to file a lawsuit against each and everyone of your worthless countries for the lives lost and money spent pulling your asses out of the fire, twice, and for the protection we’ve been providing since the end of WWII.