Friday, December 29, 2006

KAR EXCLUSIVE!!! Saddam Hussein Had Problems With Bush Iraq Policy

Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein questioned the Bush administration's rationale for the U.S. invasion and war in Iraq in interviews he granted on condition they not be released until after his death.

In his embargoed July 2004 interview with The Washington Post, Husein said the Iraq war was not justified, the Post reported Friday night.

Hussein "very strongly" disagreed with the current president's justifications for invading his country and said he would have pushed alternatives, such as more sanctions, "much more vigorously or whatever," the Post's Bob Woodward wrote. The story initially was posted on the newspaper's Internet site.

"I don't think I would have attacked me," the former despot told Woodward a little more than a year after President Bush launched the invasion.

In the tape-recorded interview, Hussein was critical not only of Bush but also of noted Halliburton principal and Vice President Dick Cheney and then-Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld.

"Rumsfeld and Cheney and the president made a big mistake in justifying going into the war in Iraq. They put the emphasis on weapons of mass destruction," Hussein said. "And now, I've never publicly said I thought they made a mistake, but I felt very strongly it was an error inasmuch as I shipped all of my chemical weapons to Syria."

"Sure, I'm an evil person and there was justification to get rid of me," he observed to the Daily News. "But [Bush] shouldn't have put the basis on weapons of mass destruction. That was a bad mistake. Where does [Bush] get his advice?"

This is the third in a recent spate of posthumous celebrity indictments against Bush's foreign policy. Earlier this week, a similar interview of former President Gerald Ford came to light, followed soon thereafter by another of dead singer James Brown.

Saddam Hussein died Friday evening (Saturday morning, Baghdad time) of a severe neck injury. He was 69.

NonMonkey + Financial Stuff = Funny

Remember when you constantly heard the whining and kvetching of liberals about Clear Channel? About how it waas soooooo dangerous to have one company own so many radio stations?

The newspaper business is somehow exempt from the same sort of outrage on Planet of the Nonmonkeys:

When the McClatchy Co. got the keys to the Star Tribune in 1998, McClatchy's patriarch hailed the merger. James McClatchy called it a wedding of two newspaper traditions that shared "a deep-rooted commitment to building a just society."

You now are permitted to laugh derisively
.

Derisively, by the way, is the only way Nonmonkey will laugh.

Eight years later, hardly anyone in the newspaper business talks about anything other than building profit margins that would choke a robber baron.

The purpose of business is to make profits, Nick. I know that you and you're pals on the editorial side of the wall see the Strib as your own personal forum for insulting wide swaths of readers; but that can be somewhat incompatible with the primary purpose of any business venture: making money. So I see why you might be a little reticent of a new owner who thinks making money is good.

Don't fret. You could always start a blog.

Mercifully, Mr. McClatchy passed away in May and did not live to see the Sacramento-based company that bore his name disgrace his legacy by dumping its largest newspaper -- the most important one between Chicago and the West Coast, the one that serves 5 million Minnesotans and that can be a conscience, a scold, a cheerleader and an interpreter of life on the tundra.

My experience with the Strib has been that's its exclusively a scold.

On the day after Christmas, the McClatchy Co. took the Star Tribune to the return window and sold us to a company that removes medical wastes, drills for oil and (quoting its website) "operates four off-shore jack-ups, three mobile off-shore production units and one self-propelled completion and work over rig" in the Gulf of Mexico. Not to mention a newspaper in flyoverland.

Maybe we're an on-shore jack-up.

Or a for-sure jerkoff...

You are what you eat. So when McClatchy swallowed the larger Knight Ridder newspaper chain last spring, a lot of people worried that the $6.1 billion deal would spell trouble in the Twin Cities.

Both newspapers here were in play: the Star Tribune, as the "flagship" of McClatchy, and the Pioneer Press (where I worked for 17 years) as one of the Ridder heritage newspapers.

We were right to worry.

But, like I state way on top of this post, the "worry" wasn't caused by media consolidation, it was caused by...

First, McClatchy sold the Pioneer Press to MediaNews Group. Staff reductions followed, with threats of more to come.

Now McClatchy has dumped the Star Tribune.

...fear of getting sold off. And, understandably, their jobs. Oh, no - not for their sake, but for yours. Because they're noble or something...

While the outcome of all this cutthroat gambling is unclear, there are two possibilities:
1) A private equity firm with no newspaper experience will show the newspaper industry how to save itself.


Or:

2) A privateer thinks the Star Tribune, with 2,000-plus workers, is ripe for plucking and pillaging.

And here we introduce our new graphic, the Banaiaiaiaiaaian signal:



so that a guy who really knows stuff can explain to NM how improbable it is that this purchase was for the purpose of a Gordon Gekko style liquidation.

I hope it was the first option that attracted Avista Capital Partners to add us to its fleet of oil rigs.

But one thing is clear: A newspaper company abandoned its employees and readers, for profit, not principle.

No, Nick. It didn't abandon it's readers. It didn't even abandon you (though I would). McClatchy sold off a dead-weight asset because it needed cash. It happens all the time

McClatchy leaves Minnesota's newspapers weakened and in the hands of companies with no local ties.

If McClatchy left Minnesota's newspapers "weakened," then why are you lamenting its exit?

And with its departure, McClatchy is taking away important resources that a newspaper chain provides, resources that help each newspaper in the chain serve readers.

Here is some of what is going away: the Star Tribune Foundation, which has funded nonprofit groups in the Twin Cities for decades; and the Washington bureau and foreign correspondents, including those in Iraq. They'll still be working, but not for the Star Tribune. Also disappearing: the pooled financial resources a chain can use to gather news and resist the fickle winds of market forces.

"the pooled financial resources a chain can use to gather news and resist the fickle winds of market forces."

Translation: we want to continue to insult you with impunity.

Despite lip service to the cause of quality journalism, in the end McClatchy folded like a cheap lawn chair under a steady gale of Wall Street demands.

When it bought the Star Tribune in 1998, McClatchy was a second-tier chain that had 10 dailies and a profit margin of 13 percent.

Today, after buying its way into a far better club by using the Star Tribune for leverage, McClatchy has 32 papers and a profit margin of 26 percent.

But 26 ain't enough. It would be higher if not for the Star Tribune, which earns only about 19 percent, though its revenue has declined over the past year or so. That's still good for a newspaper its size, and two or three times the margin demanded 20 years ago. But it ain't enough. So McClatchy punted.

2 things:

1) If McClatchy left the newspaper "weakened" like you said (remember that - 6 short grafs ago?) HOW IN THE HELL IS IT PULLING IN A 19% MARGIN???? Oh, no weaseling out by saying that iits sold out here - because you also just said that a "pool of financial resources" - which come from...

-PROFITS-

...is one of the things that makes a chain of newspapers strong.

2) If the Strib is indeed pulling a 19% margin, then why did it sell the paper for 50 cents on the dollar? Desperation for cash can't account for all of it. You can afford to wait for a better price as long as your asset is making you money.

Could there be something else? I'm betting on it. And I'm also betting that you were afraid to ask what it might be for fear of ruining a perfectly cathartic rant-column.

Which shows that the McClatchy Co. lost more than a patriarch when James McClatchy died. It lost its compass.

Oh gag.

McClatchy CEO Gary Pruitt did not bother to come to Minneapolis on Tuesday to say he surreptitiously had sold the paper and to kiss us goodbye.

But McClatchy brass gave us some nice parting gifts from afar, complaining that the Star Tribune had lost value (and proving it in a secret auction at fire-sale prices), calling the flagship a drag on profits and saying McClatchy would have shown a one-percent increase in ad sales if the Star Tribune weren't included. One percent! Huzzah! Sound the trumpets!

Er. If I had 1% of McClatchy's money, I'd burn my own. It's not nickles and dimes we're talking about here, and the board of any corporation owes one fiduciary duty above all others to its shareholders:

Maximize their profit.

There's the market for you: The Star Tribune held down ad sales one percent. So One-Percent Pruitt axed his best newspaper. Brilliant.

Somehow, I don't forsee NM ever doing a guest analyst appearance on CNBC.

"The Star Tribune is one of the best newspapers in this country," Pruitt said in 1998. "The Twin Cities is one of the most attractive newspaper markets in the country. And it was a near-perfect fit in terms of values and traditions."

We didn't change. But you, Mr. Pruitt? We don't recognize you anymore. So long.

Don't bother to write.

Yeah, because NM might send you one of those embarrassing replies he's so famous for.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About What's Going Through Saddam's Mind Right Now

Im waiting in my cold cell when the bell begins to chime
Reflecting on my past life and it doesn't have much time
'Cos at 5 o'clock they take me to the gallows pole
The sands of time for me are running low --Iron Maiden


UPDATE: Turn it up to 11.

Please Continue Voting for Me

Here.

Losing to Dan Stover is an unacceptable outcome. I'm sure you all agree.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I Hate Minnesota Nazis

If Minnesota Nazis shoot at black people and cops, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Around 1:30 a.m. on Dec. 9, along the 3500 and 3600 blocks of Bryant Avenue North were awakened by gunshots.

You look like you could use a subject...

What started out as the dispersing of young blacks turned into an ambush by neo-Nazi gunmen who opened fire on both police and blacks.

Wow. Now that's a story! I wonder why nobody's ever heard of it.

For days, residents waited for news coverage. As of the writing of this column, all major news outlets have declined to report this terrorist activity that will live in infamy in the black community.

OK. So you've got Nazis shooting at black people and the police, and not one newspaper, TV outlet or, say, crimeblog picks up on it. Something smells here. I foresee a long righteous screed in the near future of this post tearing the MSM a new one!

Why infamy? Because of the nullification and reversal of how police respond to blacks by shooting them.

*snooooOOOOOOOORK!*

I'm sorry. Reading that sentence just resulted in the nullification and reversal of a sip of Pepsi, by shooting it out my nostrils.

We have asked police to respond with maximum restraint until they are sure instead of shooting first and finding suspects unarmed later. Despite these white neo-Nazis firing on them, the police did not return fire.

"We"? You mean it took more than one of you to formulate that sentence about police responding to blacks by shooting them?

Back on task: so Nazis shoot at cops, and cops don't return fire. Therefore, the cops must be Nazis too!

We're through the looking glass here, people.

Undisputed facts: On Dec. 9, when White neo-Nazis fired on black youth and police officers, the police response was no use of guns. On Dec. 14, at the regular meeting of the Police Community Relations Council (PCRC), Police Chief Tim Dolan was asked by me, in my role as co-chair, pursuant to Article 2.28 of the Federal Mediation Agreement, if any critical incidents, including but not limited to public unrest, had taken place.

So the first "undisputed fact" is the same assertion made in the first paragraph which was supported by neither eyewitness accounts nor any publicly available complaint. Not to mention that it defies common sense. Cops generally don't wait for a perp to start shootin - Nazi or not - before they drop the fucker in a hail of bullets that'd make Al Capone demure.

The second undisputed fact is that this lunatic asked the Police Chief a question.

I am starting to pine for the journalistic quality of NonMonkey.

Interim chief's response: No use of truth.

*feep*

*snerf*

*SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKK!!!!*

LearnedFoot's response: no swallowing of Pepsi.

To our shock and dismay, he said there were no critical incidents to report, even though Deputy Chief Allen had been at the ambush scene.

How about an on the record quote from Deputy Chief Allen? A witness? Anything?

I'm beginning to think that anti-MSM screed I predicted at the top of this post won't materialize. At least not from me.

More amazing facts/smoking guns: Senior black officers (sergeant and above) were not made aware of this ambush that started with young black folk being told in this incident to get out of the neighborhood. After police stormed the house on the 3600 block of Bryant Avenue North, the suspects fired on the police and African American citizens, shouted racial epithets, and displayed their defiance by threatening to kill police and African American citizens.

Oh, and another thing: how does this guy know they're Nazis? I mean, Michael Richards shouted racial epithets, but he's not a Nazi. Charles Manson has a swastika carved into his forehead, but he's not a Nazi. What witness to this incident - er, excuse me; I believe that at this point in the story it is appropriate to start using scare quotes -

"incident" described the alleged perps as "Nazis"?

Yet, no shooting response. And no follow-up media reports.

Thus, another disturbing smoking gun: The decision of the Minneapolis Star Tribune and all major media in this town to not report this attack of white neo-Nazis on young blacks and the police.

That's a powerful smoking gun: a newspaper not running a story about an incident that never happened save for the allegations of some delusional reporter - excuse me - "reporter" for a black activist newspaper who wasn't even there. In the legal profession, we call this "motion for summary judgment granted."

According to a reporter at the Star Tribune, the interim chief, when asked four days later about this ambush shooting incident, said it was false as no such incident had taken place, stating that this columnist didn't know what he was talking about.

I wonder if it was NonMonkey. He knows stuff.

But truth will out, as in this confirming smoking gun: Complaint #06344581, issued by the Hennepin County Attorney's office on Dec. 11, charging two white neo-Nazi gunmen with terrorist and felony acts.

Finally! A source! Could someone please run downtown and get that complaint? Since I'm confident that this guy is not going to quote from it and merely require us to take his word for it.
I'm sorry. But people who shoot at cops tend to end up in the morgue rather than on a docket.

Part of the coverup was the deployment of supervisors from the Second Precinct rather than the African American commander in whose Fourth Precinct the incident took place. And so, four days later, the African American commander had not yet been informed about this attack in his precinct.

In fact, this incident had been so closed down that, on the early morning of Dec. 9, just six hours after the ambush, at the roll call of the Fourth Precinct, there was no information provided about the ambush attack. We have been absolutely startled by the coverup and by the desperate attempt to suppress the threat now posed against police and African American citizens.

If you are a white cop who has been shot at by Nazis, KAR wants to hear from you. Likewise, if you are a black cop who has been kept in the dark about incidents involving Nazis shooting at white cops, please leave a comment.

Despite the danger and risk to the department's own officers, the chief does not seem concerned about them. But we in this column are, just as we are certainly concerned about the African American community and the threat against its safety.

But sympathies for these neo-Nazis has won out.

*SNO-*

Ha! Fooled ya'. I learned my lesson earlier and stopped drinking my Pepsi while reading this dreck.

Jeez-o. Beez-o.

Even if I were a Nazi sympathizing cop, I am fairly certain that sentiment would be quickly subordinated to my self-preservation instincts if my fellow Nazis started shooting at me. And shortly thereafter, I'd kill the asshole.

And that's only the beginning of the cognitive dissonance. Not only are the cops black-hating, mouth-breathing neo-Nazi sympathizers, but so is -

- sit down:

Why a day of infamy? Because the Strib and police want to maintain the myth that only blacks are a danger to the peace, that white neo-Nazi guns don't really exist, as both paper and police obscure and distort rather than inform and report. It appears that this department needs to be placed in federal receivership after all.

The Strib hates black people!!!!!!!!!!

Through. The. Looking. Glass.

Think about it from the standpoint of a ThunderJournalist. This is a win / win situation. On the one hand, Syl Jones will feel compelled to stop writing commentary droolings for the Strib because of their neo-Nazi sympathies. On the other hand, every time their editorial pooper outers issue another "diversity uber alis" missive, we can wave this article in their face and accuse them of being hypocritical Nazis! Oh, brave new world!

OK...maybe not this article.

ONE FINAL NOTE: ...to crystalize my point.

Ron Edwards? Meet Occam's razor. For your conspiracy theory to be true, all of the following would also have to be true:

1) Chief Dolan lied about the incident.

2) Deputy Chief Allen lied about the incident.

3) Every single white officer privy to the incident kept their mouths shut.

4) Every single black officer was either a) in on the thing with the Nazi sympatizing police; or b) kept in the dark about a raid on a house that resulted in officers taking fire.

5) Officers under fire refused to defend themselves and others present.

6) Both major local newspapers and all 4 local TV news outlets refused to cover a story that involved 1) Nazis 2) opening fire at cops and black people 3) in Minneapolis...

And regarding (6): at least one of those newspapers felt the need to cover an expunged domestic violence charge against a longshot congressional candidate running against a black person based on an incident that all parties involved conceded never happened.

UPDATE: The kernel of truth that pricked this "reporter's" imagination here. Apparently City Pages does like black people. Well, it was just a blurb, so maybe they like them just a little bit.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

EAT ME!

I’m trans-fat free.

The paternalistic piss-ants at the Star & Sickle are all in favor of the forcing the trans-fat ban down the throats of restaurateurs and their patrons.

Big f$&%ing surprise.

Apparently trans-fat is bad for you and that’s all the reason the hopefully soon-to-be-ex editorial board need to ask government to take it away from you and me.

I hate the assholes with all my being.

Their editorial is full of the most worthless ass droppings I’ve read in a long, long time:

Arguing that restaurant diners should simply choose well or badly and live with the result may sound sensible, but in practice it's hard to know enough to choose -- and awkward as can be. Pose just a few questions and you'll see where this could go: Do the muffins contain trans fats? How about the pie crust? The lemon cake? Oh, and what do you fry the walleye in again? It's a waiter's nightmare.

Once seen as a wonder ingredient that would protect shelf life while providing the "mouth feel" that people relish in baked goods, artificial trans fat has proved to be a health menace. It needs to fade from use, and protecting those who eat out is a logical next step.

If nothing else, they never fail to illustrate their complete mistrust of the human race.

I don’t need your goddamned protection and I doubt waiters are awake at nights worried about memorizing ingredients.

Because you jackasses are too myopic to come to any conclusion that doesn’t include more regulations from your precious Government God, I’ll take a stab at it.

What if an enterprising restaurant owner differentiated his/her establishment by putting a little symbol next to the items that contained trans-fat?

Notice how my plan keeps government out of it. Let the restaurant decide and the consumer choose which restaurants they will patron.

I pray the new owner looks at the tripe you’ve been spewing on the editorial page and performs a big old enema on the impacted bowel that is the editorial board.

Almost Forgot

Go vote for me now.

No, it doesn't matter why. Just do it. You didn't have a reason to elect Amy Klobuchar to the Senate, did you?

11 Worst Minnesota Political Figures of 2006

11. MNPooplius

Michael Brodkorb: Breaks stories about DFL candidates and assorted DFL flaks, many of which have enough merit to get picked up by local media outlets. For this he gets no end of shit.

MNPooplius: Mark Kennedy photoshopped a fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. Steve "Hertz" Berg

To paraphrase the New Yorker: "What a yutz!"

9. Amy Klobuchar.

Ineffectual substance-free county prosecutor who ascended to her office by the force of her surname replaces ineffectual substance-free senator who ascended to her office by the force of her surname.

8. Patty Wetterling.

dem·a·gogue (dem-ah-gog), n. A leader who makes use of popular prejudices and false claims and promises in order to gain power.

7 THROUGH 5. Obsessive Stalker Looser.

It used to be that OSL and her merry band of slanderous pantloads served up such inane garbage on her sewerblog that I always had some great material to work with when I needed it. But since she and her cohorts failed the solitary mission of their pitiful lives, they've gone so far 'round the bend that no embellishment, insult or barb that I could provide could match the comedic value that they now - albeit unintentionally - offer themselves. With the sole redeeming quality she once provided (material for me) now gone, OSL's ranking drops just as precipitously as her postelection traffic. How rediculous!

4. My Hypocritical Jerkass Neighbor With the Collen Rowley Sign in His Yard Who Called The Cops on My Neighbor and Me for Shooting Off Fireworks.

You know who you are. On the 4th of July, you and your yuppie neighbors were gathered in your cul de sac having a great time firing off bottle rockets. One spent rocket landed on my windshield as I was driving by. At the time, I thought to myself "Hey, that was cool!" A couple of weeks later, my neighbor and I were enjoying our own fireworks when one of the spent rockets landed within 50 feet of your precious children (for whom, I might add, you set out lawn chairs for them to sit on while they enjoyed our show). You thought to yourself "Hey, I'm calling the cops!" And come the cops did resulting in the tragic drowning of some $50 worth of pyrotechnics. That little act confirmed to me that you are a douchebag. The Rowley lawn sign that stood in your yard (judging from the duration of its display, it was probably one of the first off the press) indicates that you are a left-wing douchebag, and therefore appropriate for inclusion on this list.

And BTW: don't have too much fun next 4th of July, as your little stunt has stoked in me a new-found compulsion for slavishly following the letter of the law. If you know what I mean.

3. Al Gore.

Yes, I know he's not a Minnesota political figure, but face it - this guy's disingenuousness, vacuity and overall pea-brained suckiness transcends something as arbitrary as a state border.

2. Mike Hatch

Small, ill-tempered, unlikable man spends nearly his entire tenure as AG investigating and suing HMOs and then makes blaming rising health care costs on the governor a cornerstone of his campaign. For this, he gets more than 40% of the vote. Which leads me to the worst political figure of 2006...

1. You.

Perhaps you voted for Mike Hatch or the unaccountable, wispy apparition Amy Klobuchar. Or perhaps you are a blogger who claims expertise in a subject because you "have a friend" who may have some tangential expertise on the topic. Or perhaps you signed off on a panicky toned full-page newspaper ad claiming that "the rich" need to pay more taxes; "the rich" being defined as "has income over $39,000 per year." Maybe you compile comically one-sided end-of-the-year "worst politicos" list that, like Obsessive Stalker Looser's droolings, becomes instant and unintentional self-parody. Or maybe you're just some shlub who irritated me during 2006. Whatever your case may be, I am a misanthrope. Therefore, I rule and you suck.

Time magazine named you Person of the Year. Time Magazine also has named Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Nakita Krushchev, Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, Ayatollah Khomeini, Yasser Arafat, and Ted Turner as Person of the Year. You suck. Congratulations.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Day by Day Thong Update

BOOYAH!

I think he's trying to give Captain Ed an aneurysm.

Could full frontal nudity be far, um, behind?

More updates as events warrant.

My Dick in a Box and Other Random Post-Holiday ThunderJournalistic Musings

Traffic sucks. Let's phone it in.

***

While driving home from Milwaukee yesterday, both Moonchild and I simultaneously released a Richter Scale-measurable burst of flatulence as we passed the IBM building off Highway 52 in Rochester. I have no idea what the connection between the IBM building and window-rattling gastric relief is, but I am sure there is one.

***

This Christmas was all about "My Dick in a Box". If you have no idea what that means, or are otherwise frightened about ever getting a present from me, watch this and lay your fears to rest. I'll wait.



Yes, all weekend long everything came back to a Dick in a Box. All presents were exchanged at waist level, and your traditional "Fa la la la la" caroling was replaced by "One: cut a hole in the box." I have it on good authority from an inside source that the members of the cast of the Milwaukee Rep's A Christmas Carol (which, as usual the family attended, and was, as usual, excellent) often tried to crack each other up on stage with nonverbal "My Dick in a Box" references.

***

My journey to Lambeau was a religious experience; a beer-soaked gravel-throated Hadj if you will. The stadium was packed, the beer was tasty and the Viking fans in attendance were all massive tools. Yeah buddy, you're real clever shouting "Packers suck" to no one in particular while waiting in line for the john. It was even cooler the 30th time you did it! Wow, I wish I had your cutting-edge smack talk talent.

***

Rereading the above, it occurs to me that Vikings fans should be banned from Lambeau, like non-Muslims are barred from entering Mecca. Well, maybe not all Vikings fans; just the brain-dead turds that comprised about 90% of those in attendance last Thursday. Lambeau is too magical a place to have it sullied by a bunch of nimrods whose vocabulary (as far as I could tell) consists of 3 words. It's kind of like emptying a short bus full of retards into the Guggenheim Museum and just letting them run riot around the place.

***

I think I'm going to bring up the Viking fan ban at the next Packers annual Shareholder Meeting & Tailgate Party.

***

TWO: you put your junk in that box!

***

In a comment to this post, Chad takes issue with my juxtaposition of Vince Lombardi quotes with those of Denny "the Sheriff" Green:

How about some Bud Grant and Lindy Infante quotes?

There's an idea. Or, maybe Curly Lambeau and Les Steckel quotes. How about Mike Holmgren vs. Jerry Burns?

***

Seats are still available at the poker table for the LearnedFoot New Years Eve Poker, Italian Soul Food, Football and Beer-Be-Back-on-the-Road-Before-the-Amateurs-Are-Out Blowout. Drop me a line if you're interested in attending. This will be the last function I host until MilF 3: Triple_A vs. the Golf Ranger.

***

Every single holiday: a dick in a box!

Christmas Charity for Cynical Vikings Guy

Life is good here aboard my G5 (which I've taken to calling "Air Favre One"). Excuse me while I take a bite of my caviar omelette made with 4 California Condor eggs and wash it down with a Chimay Trappist Ale.

Ahh, good stuff. Now, here's the story. Wednesday morning I causally flipped open the sports section and stared in disbelief. I logged onto the internet and confirmed the information on several websites. Well, if Vegas is going to give away free money, I’m getting in line. I took off for my bank, emptied my accounts and put the cash in my carry on. At the airport, the screeners were suspicious that I had bought a last minute one-way ticket to Las Vegas and my only luggage was a bag of cash, but they waved me through when I said “The over/under in the Packers-Vikings game is an astounding 37”.

Every once in a while we see this late in the NFL season: the smart money doesn’t quite realize just how incompetently rancid the Vikings' offense is. Enough ignorant gamblers think that Randall Cunningham is still throwing to Randy Moss that the over/under becomes a joke. When these rare free money experiences surface, one must be ready to pounce. I didn’t get a hotel room for Wednesday night – ALL of my available money was going on the under 37 points (thank God for drink tickets).

I went up and down the strip spreading my bets across several different casinos so as not to bankrupt any one casino (okay, the real reason I placed multiple bets was so that no one ticket would be over the limit that must be reported to the IRS – the IRS can read the paper; if they want a piece of the action, they can make a bet like everyone else). I even encounted this sad looking guy wearing a Troy Williamson jersey over a Hawaiian shirt and wearing the Viking horns with little pieces of foam rubber cheese impaled on them. He was geeked about the debut of the Vikes' new quarterback - Tavaris something - and he was certain that this young phenom would "light up the scoreboard" against the Pack's putrid secondary, confirming his long-held assertion that Brad Childress should have been fired for not starting him on opening day. He produced a carry-on bag full of cash and demanded the over. I tried to act reluctant so as to better set the hook, and eventually "conceded" him the over. No need to go to church to pray for the under because everyone knows that St. Lombardi has already put in a good word with the big guy.

It was clear early on that my prayers would be answered despite Brett Favre throwing the ball at will against the Vikings embarrassing pass defense. No need to bribe the officials as the rain soaked tundra made for a hard slog around the goal line and the Vikings held fast to their role as The Most Penalized Team in the History of the Universe. Hell, even Dave Raynor knew they'd only need 3 field goals to win. The Pack ended up winning by 2, but more importantly, the number came in at 16. It was the best of all possible worlds: a Pack win, and I get even richer. I cashed my sports book tickets and collected my winnings from that cynical Vikings guy. He was so disgusted by all the cigarette smoke and transfats in the myriad Vegas restaurants that he barely even put up a fight. Good thing too, as I had LearnedFoot on retainer to proceed with a lawsuit to force him to pay, had the need arose.

In the meantime, that poor cynical Vikings guy is penniless. He's taken up residence in some public library, and he's so distraught over this whole thing, that he's taken to forging e-mails to make me look bad. Or maybe he's just trying to make himself feel better for not taking the points and instead betting on the over/under. Whatever it is, he needs your help. Donations can be sent to: Cynical Vikings Guy c/o Clark County Library, 1401 E. Flamingo Rd, Las Vegas, NV. Thanks! I know I can count on our readers to be generous and make a difference in some disenchanted Viking fan's life during this most holy season. Playoff season.

Oh look! Another case of Cristal! How'd that get there?

Go Pack!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Pilgrimage

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. --Vince Lombardi

Nobody can beat us when we play like we play when we play. -- Denny Green

I don't think there's a punch-line scheduled, is there? --Vince Lombardi

When there are two teams that want to win, only one team can win. --Denny Green

...Loser. --Vince Lombardi



The Posts of Christmas Past

Here are some yuletide yelpings from the past to warm the cockles of your heart in my absence:

All I Want for Christmas is a Hood-mounted Death Ray

Grinch This, Bitch - Part 1, Part 2

And, quite appropriately...

'Twas the Night Before Favre's Pass

"Coarsening Discourse"??? Well...You're a Big Fat Jerkface!

Puckface points us to a WSJ op-ed concerning the blogosphere's favorite subject - itself:

The Blog Mob
"Written by fools to be read by imbeciles."

Um. This isn't starting off well.

Blogs are very important these days. Even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has one.

Yeah, but his blog SUCKS!

The invention of the Web log, we are told, is as transformative as Gutenberg's press, and has shoved journalism into a reformation, perhaps a revolution.

Revolution indeed. Why all those billions of blogs (and 2 Thunderjournals) are already reforming the landscape of political thought and fullfilling America's insatiable thirst for the knowledge of what some douchebag's cat barfed up last night...

The ascendancy of Internet technology did bring with it innovations. Information is more conveniently disseminated, and there's more of it, because anybody can chip in. There's more "choice"--and in a sense, more democracy. Folks on the WWW, conservatives especially, boast about how the alternative media corrodes the "MSM," for mainstream media, a term redolent with unfairness and elitism.

The blogs are not as significant as their self-endeared curators would like to think. Journalism requires journalists, who are at least fitfully confronting the digital age. The bloggers, for their part, produce minimal reportage. Instead, they ride along with the MSM like remora fish on the bellies of sharks, picking at the scraps
.

And then the sharks pick at the poopings of some of the crappier remora fish and call it "The Blog House". Thus the circle of inane bullshit is closed.

More success is met in purveying opinion and comment.

Don't forget poop humor!

Some critics reproach the blogs for the coarsening and increasing volatility of political life. Blogs, they say, tend to disinhibit. Maybe so. But politics weren't much rarefied when Andrew Jackson was president, either. The larger problem with blogs, it seems to me, is quality. Most of them are pretty awful. Many, even some with large followings, are downright appalling.

And those are the ones that win a Wizbang Weblog Award.

Every conceivable belief is on the scene, but the collective prose, by and large, is homogeneous: A tone of careless informality prevails; posts oscillate between the uselessly brief and the uselessly logorrheic; complexity and complication are eschewed; the humor is cringe-making, with irony present only in its conspicuous absence; arguments are solipsistic; writers traffic more in pronouncement than persuasion . . .

I hereby declare by virtue of my sophistcated wit, superior intellect, keen eye for detail, stunning expertise in the subject of solipsistic argument, and ubiquitous loquatiousness that there is no humor in that paragraph. Just like rain on your wedding day. Poop fart poop fart poop.

The way we write affects both style and substance. The loquacious formulations of late Henry James, for instance, owe in part to his arthritis, which made longhand impossible, and instead he dictated his writing to a secretary. In this aspect, journalism as practiced via blog appears to be a change for the worse. That is, the inferiority of the medium is rooted in its new, distinctive literary form. Its closest analogue might be the (poorly kept) diary or commonplace book, or the note scrawled to oneself on the back of an envelope--though these things are not meant for public consumption. The reason for a blog's being is: Here's my opinion, right now.

LOL!

What the author fails to realize is that these affectations are an expession of cutting edginess. Like the vacuous hipster doofus who eschews capital letters. You just don't get it, man! I'm arty!
The right now is partially a function of technology, which makes instantaneity possible, and also a function of a culture that valorizes the up-to-the-minute above all else. But there is no inherent virtue to instantaneity. Traditional daily reporting--the news--already rushes ahead at a pretty good clip, breakneck even, and suffers for it. On the Internet all this is accelerated.

The blogs must be timely if they are to influence politics.

Or, conversely, if they don't wish to influence politics, they must have a talking monkey.

This element--here's my opinion--is necessarily modified and partly determined by the right now. Instant response, with not even a day of delay, impairs rigor. It is also a coagulant for orthodoxies. We rarely encounter sustained or systematic blog thought--instead, panics and manias;

Well, not to toot my own horn, but this ThunderJournal has been able to simultaneously maintain several running gags for several months at a time. In fact, near as I can tell, KAR is just one big running joke. Is that sustained and systemic enough?

endless rehearsings of arguments put forward elsewhere; and a tendency to substitute ideology for cognition. The participatory Internet, in combination with the hyperlink, which allows sites to interrelate, appears to encourage mobs and mob behavior.

You leave Joe Tucci out of this! He's not here to defend himself.

This cross-referential and interactive arrangement, in theory, should allow for some resolution to divisive issues, with the market sorting out the vagaries of individual analysis. Not in practice. The Internet is very good at connecting and isolating people who are in agreement, not so good at engaging those who aren't. The petty interpolitical feuding mainly points out that someone is a liar or an idiot or both.

And here I finally have an opening to make my point:

So what?

I may be only speaking for myself - but I'm sure I'm not alone here - but, to paraphrase Iron Maiden Rush: it was for me not you that I came to write this ThunderJournal. The author of this piece seems not so much a consumer of blogs as he is consumed by them. So let me put it straight, yet again:

It's a friggin' hobby.

A release. A diversion. A forum to rant at and with the masses. The genius of the setup - if unlike the author of this piece you know how to use it - is that the really interesting or useful stuff gets proliferated by a thousand hyperlinks that will eventually filter down to everone who desires it, whereas the dross tends to languish in its home locality (and hence KAR enters its 3rd year yet to experience an instalanche).

But it's never a good idea to use only blogs to get "news". If you're a serious news consumer, you should triangulate - get your info from a number of sources. Blogs can play a role in this, but shouldn't be the only source. The author seems to think that this is the way it is: print is losing out to the internets. No. There will always be a place - nay a necessity - for the legacy media. They have the resources. The blogs, and to a lesser extent the ThunderJournals, act as an annotation service. Which is a good thing, because by its nature, the blogosphere has a million eyes on the ground everywhere can help develop the res gestae of a story, or in some cases, flip a story on its head.

This is not a bad thing. If you know how to use it.

As someone once said, we are all little pieces of fluff on the lint screen of opinions. And like lint screens, some lint will come from from a fine Egyptian cotton bath towel, while most of the rest is just some crappy thread that sloughed off a ratty old sweat sock.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Make his seat an electric chair

The Iraq Study Group suggested, and the S&S and other reliably Leftist organizations agreed, that we give this thug a seat at the table?

OK, just make sure it’s plugged in.

I'm (not) Dreaming of a Pink New Year

Yes, it's that time of year again. A time to celebrate with friends and family in a non-offensive multicultually sensitive manner. A time to set the yule log ablaze and ponder just what the hell a "yule log" is anyway. A time for drink. A time for food. A time for the joyful laughter of children opening their presents on Christmas morn'.

And a time to once again see how the drooling fascists at Code Pink would destroy it all.

Well actually, nothing has changed from last year as regards Christmas. So let's just move on to how the Pinkies plan on spending New Year's Eve:

After years of relentless peace activism in the face of topsy-turvy foreign and domestic policies, we have reached a time to revel, be hopeful, and re-energize for the struggles ahead.

Somehow I don't think that "relentless" acivisim in the face of "topsy turvy" politics is what causes these folks to "struggle" on a daily "basis". If you know what I "mean".

Join us in San Francisco on New Year's Eve as we celebrate "Peace In The New Year" with a party as vibrant and raucous as our street demos, pink slip banner drops, and non-stop creative actions!

Yes! Vibrant raucousness! And nothing says "raucous vibrancy" quite like a hippy peace demonstration held by a bunch of myopic hairy-armpitted patchouli-drenched moonbats!



Oh, and don't get me started on those sweet non-stop creative actions! Non-stop creative actions are what makes New Year's Eve special. Why, I remember back in the day when I was a swinging bachelor Foot, and how I always looked forward to doing all those non-stop creative actions with my date after the party. That was sweet.

Although, my dates never had hairy armpits.

Hmmm.

Maybe the Pinkies meant something else.

Nice backhand

The pointy headed pricks at the Star & Sickle have outdone themselves and shown their absolute contempt for all things religious – Judeo-Christian that is – in the process.

Julie Haberle does not buy the theory of evolution and she’s put up a couple of billboards that say so.

Now the S&S and others are unleashing their vitriol on her and they are doing so in the usually smarmy way: patting her on the head with one hand and slapping her face with the other.

Julie Haberle sounds like a wonderful woman, fun to have as a friend and neighbor, and we salute her for taking this country's cherished freedom of speech to heart with her creationist billboard and website. But ...

Do any of you think for a minute that any of the PHP’s would like to have Julie as a neighbor, let alone a friend? They would sooner rip their fingernails out by the roots than spend five minutes in the same room with her. And this bull about saluting her: what a crock of shit. They no more salute her for exercising her freedom of speech than they do anyone they disagree with.

Biggest problem here is that these people hate religion. They flat out hate anything that even smells of faith or belief in God – except for Allah they won’t bring him up for fear of having their printing presses fire bombed by followers of the Religion of Peace.

Haberle's logic is deficient in one other way worth mentioning: She seems to suggest that her creationist belief has special cachet because she started out in the other camp and by dint of her intellect came to see the light.

Nice assertion but it is a lie. The original story does nothing to suggest such a claim by Julie. This is what the story says: Julie Haberle, 55, said she once believed creationism "was absolutely nuts" and has over the past nine years come to the contradictory conclusion that "evolution is just silly." Someone please show me the claim of superior intellect.

Reason doesn't work that way. Where you started doesn't matter. Only where you ended is significant, and that significance is only as meaningful as the proof you can offer. Where creationism is concerned, there is no proof, only belief.

Money quote: You who have faith are fools, ignorant fools who believe in a fairy tale. You have no proof of God and, therefore, you cannot logically claim the existence of Him. And for those who’ve found God later in life, like those who have overcome an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol, you’ve been snookered as far as the PHP’s are concerned. Your faith is insignificant because there is no proof upon which you base it.

How’s that make you feel? I can’t wait to go to church on Christmas and sit with the other Catholic fools who believe in the risen Christ.

To all of my fellow fools: Merry Christmas.

To the PHP’s: Happy Diversity. And may God have mercy on your souls.

Beyond Moron Mail

Is it possible that this chick is pulling our legs?

There is something seriously wrong with a judicial system that gives a 21-year-old life without the possibility of parole ("Killer sentenced to life in prison for Block E slaying," Dec. 12).

He blew out an innocent man’s brain and she’s broken up because the sub-human punk has been sentenced to spending the rest of his life playing the role of Wife to his cellmate?

Derick Holliday had never even been arrested before. He could be any of our sons. Yes, he should pay for what he did, but life without the possibility of parole goes way beyond reasonable.

He could be any of our sons? I don’t think so. Most of “our sons” don’t and won’t chase someone down a crowded city sidewalk, or anywhere for that matter, firing a weapon.

And I would love to know what this brain-dead woman considers a “reasonable” punishment for putting a bullet into the brain of a guy who was doing nothing more than enjoying an evening out with friends.

A senseless, horrible act, yes. A senseless, horrible sentence, as well.

A senseless horrible opinion, yes. A screwed up broad with no sense of right and wrong, most definitely. A messed up dame with misplaced compassion, no doubt. A fucked up bitch who should be barred from expressing any future opinion, hell yes.

NIKI AOGA, CRYSTAL

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

A Call to All Good Citizens of KAR-Nation

We here at KAR Global Headquarters are still reeling from the discovery of the Lenfestey Blog. But through the the euphoric haze, we arrived at a sobering realization: there's too much material. While we fully intend to prospectively eviscerate the brain poopings that are certain to appear there in the future, we do not have a sufficient amount of time (and conversely, we have an overabundance of "a life") to do a full autopsy on the archives. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that I will be attending the Packers / Vikings tilt at Lambeau on Thursday and unable to ThunderJournal for a significant portion of Thursday and Friday.

OPG INTERRUPTS: You're WHAT???????

LEARNEDFOOT: I'm going to Lambeau.

OPG: Oooooo!!!! Take me. Please please pleasepleasePLEASE!!!!

LF: No.

OPG: Awwww! C'mooooon!

LF: Hey look: there's a warm, half-drunk can of Pabst Blue Ribbon over there! Go get it!

OPG: I'm outta here. Free beer! Oh boy ohboyohboy!!!

Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah:

I need your help. I realize that it's probably a bad idea since KAR's readership is the most disengaged anywhere. I understand that haloscan is highly technical and hard to use, but I have faith that you all can rally around this most important mission.

Your task: go through the archives of the Lenfest-o-blog and copy and paste (with link) into this thread the most disturbing, diseased, idiotic, inane, delusional, demented, self-important or otherwise unintentionally entertaining snippet you come across from Susan's droolings. Try to keep them brief, if possible - one or two sentences.

Nota bene: There are actually three women that contribute to that blog. For now, I'm only interested in Lensfestey's "work". Perhaps we'll examine the others at a later date. The above link will take you to a page containing only her posts, but the main page has all three posters intermingled.

Good luck, and godspeed.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hyperventilating...

*gasp*

*pant* pant* *pant*

have...lost...control...

of

my...

faculties!

*pant*

from...alert...

READER...

LadyLogician...

*gasp*

*gasp*

*SNOOOOOORRRRK*

tells us...

*pant* *pant*

Susan...

Len-

*pant* *pant*

festey...

HAS A BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Must control urge....

*pant*

...to go on month-long....

*gasp* *wheeze*

...fisking bender!

(Breathing into paper bag).

Ah. That's better.

...

...

...

Oh the hell with it! This is your:

SUSAN LENFESTEY PROFOUNDLY DISTURBED NON-THOUGHT OF THE DAY

So here we are, with poor Tim Johnson hanging on by a hair and the balance of power in the senate back up for grabs. If for any reason Johnson cannot serve, Gov. Mike Rounds of South Dakota, a foaming-at-the-mouth Republican, will appoint someone to serve out the rest of his term, which ends in 2008.

So get out your rosary, light candles, chant, repeat your mantra, do what it takes to pull this good man through, for his own sake, or course, but also if you were looking forward to ethics reform, investigative committees with power of subpoena -- a pitchfork into the muck of the Republican controlled Senate.

Because if the senate is divided 50-50, as it will be if Rounds gets to make the appointment, the committee chairs go to the party of the VP. And tell me, is the death toll much higher on our side, or does it just seem that way? Can anyone name one prominent Republican leader who was mudered or died in office?

(Source.)

Oh. My. Goodness.

God does answer prayers.

Moron Mail

WARNING: The following letter contains run-on sentences. Reader attention spans are advised.

OK. I am starting to get really sick of you people:

No party switching

May I suggest a new law?


No.

When a senator becomes ill or dies while serving in Congress and the governor has to select a replacement for the seat, the replacement must be from the same party as the senator to be replaced -- even when the governor is from another party.

Get. A. Life.

BONER Q PANTLOAD, BONERVILLE

Hey! I've got an idea!

I think that the NFL should change the rules so that when your team goes 15 and 1 during the regular season, and your team's kicker misses a last second field goal during the NFC Championship game resulting in overtime and ultimate defeat, your team's aging kicker gets a "do over". Yeah, that'd be a good self serving rule (for Vikings fans).

Or how about we punish Mike Shanahan's constant jerking around of fantasy football enthusiasts by banning the Denver Broncos and expunging all references to that team from the record books? I know an awful lot of people who would like that new rule too.

No? Football too banal?

Well, then, how about we amend the Constitution to force morons like this who would rather change the rules that occasionally yield bad results for tiny-brained assbutts who think that life completely and utterly revolves around the machinations of a bunch of people they never met in Washington DC or St. Paul than work within the system that's been in place and served us well for hundreds of years to pay to me a $10,000 Moron Free Speech Service Fee every time they dribble out one of their regular short-cuts to thinking for public consumption? I'd like that rule too!

What a bunch of whiny drooling poopy-diapered infants. The proposal itself doesn't so much gaul me as does the self-serving reasoning behind it. Al Gore loses the electoral college? Then let's scrap it! A strong(ish) third party showing gets us a (Republican) governor who garnered a mere 47% of the vote? We need instant runoff balloting!

I can't help but be certain that this letter would never have been written had been a GOP Senator stricken ill from a state with a Dem governor.

Get a life.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Award Notification

It's the end of the year which means that the internet (and to some extent, other media sources) abounds with the self-congratulatory practice of the bestowing of (fill in the blank) Of The Year. KAR is no different. The KAR Editorial Board has met, the nominations have been considered and the votes have been talied. Later today (or possibly tomorrow) I will reveal the 2006 KAR Blog of the Year.

Can you feel the excitement?

UPDATE: Er...

Since every other blog or ThunderJournal in the known universe has already made a joke at the expense of Time Magazine for their lame-o choice of Person of the Year that nothing I can come up with at this late hour could be considered funny or original, I'd like to bail on this joke now.

Thank you.

Sue-icide Watch: SITUATION CRITICAL!!!!

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY ACTION ALERT FROM THE KAR SUSAN LENFESTEY SUICIDE WATCH COMMISSION. ADVISORY IS AS FOLLOWS:

BECAUSE OF DISTURBING NEW INFORMATION THAT HAS RECENTLY COME TO LIGHT, THE KAR SUSAN LENFESTEY SUICIDE WATCH COMMISSION (THE "COMMISSION") HAS RASIED THE SUSAN LENFESTEY SUICIDE THREAT RATING TO ITS HIGHEST LEVEL - RED - AS CAN BE SEEN ON THE PRETTY GRAPHIC IMMEDIATELY BELOW.




AT APPROXIMATELY 1200 HOURS CST THE COMMISSION BECAME PRIVY TO YET ANOTHER DISEASED BRAIN-DEAD CAPRICIOUSLY ARROGANT MISSIVE FROM THE SUBJECT INDICATING THAT NOT EVEN THE SWEEPING ELECTORAL BRAIN FART THAT TOOK PLACE IN EARLY NOVEMBER PROVIDED ENOUGH "HOPE" TO EVEN CRACK A SMIRK ON THE PERPETUALLY ANGRY HARPY'S FACE. GIVEN THIS DISTURBING TURN OF EVENTS, THE COMMISSION HAS DETERMINED THAT THE ONLY POSSIBLE METHOD REMAINING TO SATISFY THIS MIRTHLESS WHACK-JOB WOULD BE TO INSTALL RAUL CASTRO AS DICTATOR OF THE UNITED STATES FOR LIFE. SINCE THE LIKELIHOOD OF THAT OCCURRING - EVEN WITH THE NEW CONGRESSIONAL COMPOSITION - IS SLIM, THE COMMISSION FEARS MS. LENFESTEY HAS BEEN FINALLY PUSHED TO THE UNRECLAIMABLE BRINK.

ANYONE COMING IN CONTACT WITH LENFESTY SHOULD CONSIDER HER MAD AND HUMORLESS. KEEP ALL SHARP OBJECTS, FIREARMS, CARBON MONOXIDE-EMITING VEHICLES AND "WHAT WOULD REAGAN DO?" BUMPER STICKERS AWAY FROM MS. LENFESTEY. SHOULD YOU ENCOUNTER HER WHILE SHE IS STANDING ON A BRIDGE OR HIGH LEDGE, RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO SHOUT "JUMP".

KAR WILL MAINTAIN THIS RED ALERT UNTIL SUCH TIME THE COMMISSION LEARNS THAT LENFESTEY HAS BACKED AWAY FROM THE ABYSS OR - IN THE LESS ENCOURAGING SCENARIO - GONE ON VACATION.

AN A LESS IMPORTANT NOTE, THE COMMISSION WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT KAR BEAT MITCH TO THE PUNCH ON THIS LATEST LENFESTEY DROOLING. THE COMMISSION HASTENS TO ADD: "NEENER NEENER!"

SUSAN LENFESTEY: SHE WRUNG HER HANDS FOR OUR "SINS".

***END ACTION ALERT***

Friday, December 15, 2006

Olive Garden patrons vomit

This has nothing to do with E.coli and every thing to do with the fact that the Olive Garden SUCKS.

Forcasting the 2008 Presidential Race: Cloudy with a 30% Chance of Obama

Because I exist only to amuse you, and because you have no life, here is a breakdown of the 2008 presidential candidates so far.

DEMOCRATS

Barack Obama: A "rock star," the Great Off-White hope of the Dems in 2008 is an attractive and articulate man. Unfortunately, he carries a couple liabilities: 1) When you strip away his awesome oratory skills, his vibrant charm and boyish good looks, what you have left is a far lefty who differs in no meaningful way philosophically from Dennis Kucinich. 2) He is sensitive about his big ears.

Hillary Clinton: If she doesn't get the nomination, look for her to divorce Bill and marry Obama.

Joe Biden: If he can get away with stealing Obama's speeches, he may finish as high as seventh place in New Hampshire.

John Edwards: OH THAT COIFFURE! Sure he's a greasy med-mal lawyer, but he can channel dead prenatal babies! Surprisingly, this amazing gift to communicate with premies who have gone to the Great Beyond has not yet caused him to rethink his position on abortion. Too busy with the hair, I'm sure.

Chris Dodd: Why?

Tom Vilsack: Unfortunately named Iowa governor who thinks he can appeal to the Cornpone Community. The last president to hail from Iowa was Herbert Hoover. Does Vilsack have what it takes to live up to Hoover's legacy? Probably.

Bill Richardson: Probably won't take a vigorous run at the nomination since he already thinks that he is the president.

Al Gore: Hailed for his outspokenness on the global cooling global warming global climate change issue, moonbats have come to praise the intellect of this former law school and divinity school dropout who was a journalist until he figured he could run for high office on the currency created by his daddy's name. The far left's embrace of Gore as some sort of profound truth teller reminds me of - to use a completely random example - self-styled urban lefty smartie-pantses vociferously revering the intellect of an atheist associate biology professor who teaches at a university widely regarded as a "safety school" for college bound students who are not confident they can get into the University of Wisconsin - Stout.

REPUBLICANS

Sam Brownback: He's from Kansas! And... er... something something.

Mitt Romney: He's the Republican governor in Massachusetts, which is one reason not to trust his conservative cred right off the bat. The only thing he'll be good for is clever newspaper headline writers (positive showing in primary: "Mitt Catches a Break"; campaign appearance at Oktoberfest: "Bratwurst Mitt Kraut"; an unfortunate incident overseas: "Mitt Hit by Brit Spit" etc.)

Newt Gingrich: Withing 5 seconds of announcing his candidacy, every single leftybloger in existence will remind its readers about how Newt divorced his wife while she was dying of cancer 25 years ago. Write it down.

Chuck Hagel: (checking notes) Hmmm... I guess he is a Republican.

Rudy Giuliani: If he ends up running against Gore, his slogan will be "Hey - At least I was able to graduate from law school," and will win every state (except Minnesota) and substantial portions of Canada.

The Nihilist in Golf Pants: Vowing to usher in new era of peevishness in Washington, his campaign theme of "Fuck You - You Suck" won't get him far past the Iowa Caucus.

THE IRRELEVANCIES

Do you know what I hate? Salad poops. You know - those poops you have the morning after eating a big salad for or with dinner? It's messy coming out - looking like a bunch of light brown shreds of paper. And worst of all, when you have a salad poop, it never really feels like you're done pooping - like there's still some half digested shreds of lettuce up there that you just can't quite get your sphincter muscles to expel. On the upside, this is probably due to the fact that roughage is known as "nature's broom". All that lettuce scrapes out months-worth of detritus that has just been languishing in your bowels all this time.

These candidates are like a salad poop: they're not really useful until they stop clogging up the nominating process by removing themselves from it:

Evan Bayh
Wesley Clark
John Kerry
Dennis Kucinich (Beloved only by Koslings and Berkely nimrods - 250,000 votes won't be enough to get elected)

Bill Frist
George Pataki
John McCain (Just like every other year he's run)

I anxiously await my Instalanche.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Forgive Me If I Take Little Comfort In This News


U.S. Breast Cancer Rates Fall

Moron Mail

Regarding the stroke (or whatever) suffered by Dem Senator Tim Johnson:

If I were a Dem Senator I would be watching my back, keeping a log of people and places I've been, and for god's sake staying away from small planes and radioactive substances.

This smells to me of assassination attempt, and it may yet be successful.

Oh Karl Rove you are a evil genius. Here is our October surprise in December. Thanks. You always come through.

Its a sad comment on this Administration that the first thing I thought was that this was a White House Kremlin job to keep control of the Senate [No, it's a sad comment on your sanity and grasp of reality. -ed.]
.

"Bad luck"? Yeah. Just like what happened to Wellstone was "bad luck."

BONER McBOOGERBUTT - Hooterville, MN

OK - you got me. There is no such place as Hooterville, MN, and this really wasn't an actual letter to the Strib.

It is, however, an amalgamation of comments posted in a thread at HuffPo that I cut and pasted into a Moron Mail format. I'm willing to bet that the retarded gnomes at the Democratic Underground Homepage (DUH) are already working on the second or third draft of Rove's murder indictment. Preservation of my own sanity prevents me from visiting, though.

B Is For Beer - That's Good Enough for Me

BILL: Hey Foot?

LEARNEDFOOT: Yes?

BILL: I've finished wrapping the Christmas presents and decorating my holiday pies, so I have found myself with a little extra time.

LF: Splendid!

BILL: Right-o! Anyway, I was thinking that we should take in a little trivia contest at our favorite watering hole this evening. Your thoughts?

LF: I think that's a capital idea!

BILL: Say, old bean, can I trouble you a moment to pose a question?

LF: I say, do proceed!

BILL: Why, praytell are we gabbing about like a couple of British popinjays?

LF: Brilliant!

BILL: ...

BILL: Er, in any event... Shouldn't we do our traditional earworm singalong so as to distract any potential contestants in said trivia contest tonight, thereby bestowing upon ourselves an unfair advantage?

LF: Alas, the practice is tired and worn.

BILL: Do explain.

LF: Indeed. Back in the early days, we would sing and carouse and lend our own personal touch to some godawful distracting piece of aural self-immolation like "Afternoon Delight". The sky was the the limit. We could stretch our creative legs as far as they could reach.

BILL: I see. I see. So what has changed?

LF: The proliferation of YouTube, my friend. The way it used to be, we would have to write out the lyrics of some annoying song by hand, hoping it would fire that insidious neuron in the reader that was familiar with the opus, causing him or her to go absolutely batty. It could be a challenge - always hit or miss depending on the susceptibility of the target. But now... now, all we need to do is this:



BILL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LF: See? That's all there is to it. No more minutes of handcrafting a post to assert our will. Now, you merely cut and paste a line of embed code into your blog, and - voila! - instant earworm.

BILL: How barbaric!

LF: Indeed. We've become an instant-gratification society. While this has certainly saved time allowing for more refined pursuits, I fear we may have traded our souls in the bargain.

BILL: *sigh*

LF: *sigh*

DEMENTEE: SAY OLD CHAPS!!!!!!!!! ME GOT EARWORM THAT DEMENTEE RECORD ALL BY SELF!!!! WANNA TRY IT?????!!!!!!!

BILL: I say! Why don't you give it a run, Dementee old friend!

LF: I concur!

DEMENTEE: OK!!!!!! HERE GOES!!!!!!!!!



BILL: Capital effort old boy!

LF: Brilliant! I can already taste the Guinness!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Good Night Herr Doktor

Peter Boyle is dead at age 71.

I don't think it's hyperbole to posit that Boyle not winning an Oscar for his work in Young Frankenstein remains one of the greatest travesties of the 20th century.

From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man.", our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

Let loose with your favorite lines from young Frankenstein in this thread, if you feel it will help in some small way to salve your grief.

(He didn't suck in Johnny Dangerously either.)

Captain's Quarters Gives No Quarter to Hind Quarters

In this highly charged divisive atmosphere we currently inhabit, I thought the one issue that we could all unite on and rally around would be thongs in comic strips. Sadly, not even that appears to be the case:

I have run the Day By Day cartoon by Chris Muir for around two years at Captain's Quarters, and I constantly receive e-mail on the strip. It's about evenly split; I get equally passionate missives about its content in either direction. Yesterday, however, Chris depicted the 40ish female character Sam in nothing but a thong and a come-hither look, which brought an especially impassioned set of e-mails from CQ readers.

...

As for yesterday's entry, I think Chris went over the top.

This disappoints me. I hereby challenge Captain Ed to a debate about the relative merits of thong depictions in comic strips at a time and place of his choosing. I will keep this invitation open indefinitely until I can finally bring him into the light on this issue.

Furthermore, in the grand tradition of the "Coalition of the Chillin'", the "Coalition of the Illin'", and the "Coalition of Growing a Pair", I have chartered the "Coalition of the Strippin'" for all those millions of likeminded pervs who think the appearance of thong-clad chicks in comic strips should be a regular occurrence.

Hopefully I can get a logo done for public use soon.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

A Positive Trend in Comic Strip Thong Appearances

I, and millions of others like me, have often felt that there needs to be more depictions of hot chicks wearing thongs in comic strips. So I was cheerfully enthused when cartoonist Chris Muir was the first (in my knowledge) to break the elusive Comic Strip Thong Barrier, and expressed my hope that this new ribaldry would become a trend.

Happily, that appears to be the case. Unfortunately, the front of the underthing is away from the readers perspective, so there is no way to tell whether or not it the lady is wearing a KAR Thong like I had suggested.

But that's just a minor quibble. KAR Thong or not, this is an encouraging trend. Yes - I say "trend" intentionally. I have taken to time to plot the occurrences of thong-clad women in Day by Day, and as you can see, the pattern is striking:



As illustrated by this graph, there is a relative stability of thong occurrences at 0* until very recently. Only in the last couple of weeks have we seen an enormous spike in the frequency of cartoon thong depictions, as evidenced by the "hockey stick" or "line boner" shape of the graph plot points. Given this obvious trend, we at KAR can project the number of comic strip thongs to proliferate into the thousands by the end of the century.



* Spotty data about thong frequency in Day by Day is available prior to November of 2006, since The KAR Cartoon Thong Research Team didn't read the strip on a daily basis until it discovered the first thong anomaly two weeks ago. Therefore the results of the survey depicted in the graph above should not be considered conclusive.

Shopping for Boobies

I collect seabirds. I have dozens; albatrosses, gannets, and of course seagulls of all kinds.
But my collection has always lacked one key thing:

The majestic Booby.
So inspiring as it flocks to bits of floating fish, the Booby remains the one bird lacking from my collection.

So I'm out shopping. They're hard to find in the Twin Cities - but when there's a will, there's a way.

I'm becoming obsessed with them.

But I ask you - how could you not be? Look at them!

So I'm off on my quest.

Wish me luck!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Shopping For Boobies

Persuaded by the stunning statistic that there is a 0% chance of breast cancer recurring if you don't have any breast tissue, Mrs. Foot has all but decided to get a double mastectomy. That choice ought to be cemented by Friday after we meet with her surgeon again and with a plastic surgeon he referred us to. Naturally this hasn't been easiest decision for her, since a double mastectomy puts her almost completely out of commission for 3 weeks. And on the heels of that comes the joyous experience of chemotherapy featuring 3 drugs whose chemical composition bears an uncanny resemblance to napalm, Liquid Plum'r and NyQuil respectively. Throw in the spastic horror that lives in our home otherwise known as Moonchild, and one couldn't think of a better way to spend 6 to 7 months.

On the upside, health insurers are required by law to pay for reconstructive plastic surgery following a mastectomy.

On the downside, this almost requires me to say something nice about liberals, who undoubtedly caused that law to come into being.

On the upside, this is my ThunderJournal, so I don't hafta.

On a more important upside - she can pick her size!

!!!!!!

We discussed that very topic over dinner the other night. She - not currently very well-endowed (her words) - is thinking about going with a large "B". I seized the opportunity, and suggested "Hey - why not a small 'C'?"

"Because they wouldn't fit into the bra as well," she replied. "At least as a big "B" I'd fill out the cups."

...

"Well, how about a big 'C', then? Extra perky!"

She told me she'd think about it. I got the feeling she was patronizing me.

In other news, she's been keeping a journal about her ordeal. I've almost convinced her to start a blog on the topic. I suggested a tentative title of "Sparky's Boobie Blog," but later reconsidered figuring that name wouldn't drive the right kind of traffic to her blog.

And while I doubt there are very many moronic letters to newspapers about breast cancer, I'm sure she'd have no trouble coming up with material. Avoiding getting featured in the "Blog House" is also a concern that I'll have to mentor her about.

I'll let y'all know if she joins the ranks of the Great e-Unwashed.

Rant Pending

Legislature likely to favor statewide smoking ban.

(Where's that switch?)

A ha!


Moron Mail

Ohfercryinoutloud. Just. Go. Away.

Although John Kline is wrong about most other points he makes in his commentary about the all-volunteer military, he's right about one thing: Our current forces are the finest this nation has ever fielded. No one attributes losing the "war on terrorism" to their exemplary service.

"Losing" the war on terrorism? "Losing"?

The campaign's over Colleen. You can stop poopering out all that Lackoffian empty nonsense the party's been feeding you.

But as more American troops give up their lives, our national security continues to nosedive, due to the wrongheaded political decisions of (mostly civilian) Bush administration neocons and ardent Republican rubber stamps like Kline himself.

I see she's unwilling to take my advice:

National security "nosediving"

Republican "rubber stampers"

"wrongheaded" decisions of...

"neocons"

How did someone with the compelling intellectual heft displayed here end up losing by 15 points?

Every time Kline repeated lies about WMDs in Iraq or went on Green Zone junkets to falsely proclaim "progress" in order to shore up political support for Bush, he damaged our national security.

"lies"

"Falsely proclaim."

"Damaged national security"

Do you even write your own copy?

COLEEN BONERMAN-ROWLEY, APPLE VALLEY

Oh that's right - your pounding at the polls was due to the fact that you're ugly. Or a woman. Or an ugly woman. Or something.

Friday, December 08, 2006

This Will Be My Final Link to Rambling Rhodes (This Week)

Hee hee.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Mrs. Foot and I are meeting with the oncologist over the lunch hour, throwing my whole posting schedule out of whack. Hopefully I'll be able to get a post up later about why you should never ever EVER shop at Wicke's Furniture. It's a harrowing tale.

Sisyphus only, please.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Top 11 12 13 Google Search Strings Driving Traffic to KAR

13. (new!) Swiftee is a gay homo

12. Kool aid meth

11. Brain poopings

10. Spinach gratin kool aid

9. "Ryan Rhodes' ass"

8. Dumb petty puerile chucklehead Blois

7. David Strom poop

6. Kool aid

5. Garrison Keillor condescending twit douchebag arrogant ass

4. Hockey sucks

3. Booger barf poop fart

2. Iron Maiden can teach us a lot about Lenfestey butt farts

1. Assless chaps

Moron Mail

Now where were we? Oh yeah..."civil discourse":

I wish to register strong objection to the characterization of Dennis Prager as a "gasbag." Such sloppy language only confuses readers.

Your editor's style manual should clearly indicate that Rush Limbaugh is the "Viagra-smuggling, drug-addled gasbag," just as Ann Coulter is the "junk-toting stick figure" and Bill O'Reilly is the "loofah-wielding phone-sex enthusiast."

And "creepy union busting hypocrite demagogue" Nancy Pelosi, and "smug little prick photographer assaulter" Sean Penn, and "fat assed lying gelatinous blob of shit" Michael Moore and "two-time grad school dropout who nonetheless fancies himself an expert in climate science" Al Gore...

Ha! This is fun! And it takes so little brainpower to boot.

Dennis Prager is merely a "right-wing blowhard" and should be referred to as such until some revelation of drug abuse, sexual deviance or moral hypocrisy offers him a chance to expand upon the lexicon of his personal appellation.

Because God only knows that being a "stagflation encouraging, radical Islamic takeover welcoming, jack rabbit fearing" president like Jimmy Carter is much less abhorrent than a radio commentator that got hooked on painkillers after having surgery! Moral "hypocrisy" is so much more dangerous than abject stupidity.

Please try to keep these labels sorted correctly in future editorials. Thank you.

"Shallow, unoriginal, dimwitted prattling jerkass" ROBERT ALBONER, MINNEAPOLIS

And lest you think Mr. Alboner was taking a backhanded swipe at the Strib, I invite you to probe around his various and sundry brain poopings (search narrowed for easier probing) You'll find it quite easy to infer that the back of his hand is obviously aimed in the other direction.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Another Day, Another Douchebag Troll

UPDATED (TWICE)- SCROLL DOWN

It's been - what? (Looking at watch) - six months now, so it must be time for another episode of...

DOUCHEBAG TROLL BADGERS BLOGGER INTO QUITTING

When we last left off, leftyblogger (yet all-around good guy) Mr. Sponge began the process of slowly grinding his blogging to a halt after receiving threats directed at him and his family. Flash forward to yesterday, where failed MOB Mayoral candidate Leo da Psycmeister submits to the semi-psychotic and ridiculously self important (more on that in a moment) pestering from a guy who is obviously uncomfortable with his small penis size:

As of the past month and a half, I have been receiving hatemail and threats from a lefty troll, up to, and including threatening my livelihood. This person portrays himself to be a military ground intelligence officer; but that's all I'll say for now.

Yeah, and I have a 4 foot-long dick.

(It's actually only one foot long, if you must know).

Lets follow that link that Leo provided us, to learn more about this "millitary ground intelligence (sic) officer":

Blog title: Why low-income Republicans are Idiots. Yeah - this guy looks like a Mensa. And look - he has a special message for everybody that clicked through from Leo's post:

Good Golly Miss Molly! I am popular!

I figured with all these new profile views, I should give you all something new to look at!Obviously you all are coming from my good friend Leo's blog. :)

(click) 12 profile views. Wow. A virtual avalanche of the much sought-after attention, that is (compare).

About me: I am a leftie troll filled with hatred. I am communist, a homosexual, an atheist, a wingnut, a donk, a liberal, a leftnut, an islamo-fascist, a fornicator, a purveyor of pornography, uhmmm...im trying to remember the other names used, but I didnt get to bed until 4am so the brain is not functioning well.

Obviously an exaggeration. Except for that last clause, which is just as obvioulsy an understatement.

But one thing I am not: A psychologist that calls a mentally disturbed individual (who by the way tragically killed himself) a deluded fool and claimed his suicide was sweet irony and that Darwin's law was working its magic.

Ah...so that's what got Douchebag Troll's undies in a bunch. A blogger writing his opinion. On a blog. About some idiot protester who wanted to kill himself in some grand spectacle only to have nobody notice.

Not the thing I would have written - or written about. In fact, I don't believe I did. But then there are many who wouldn't dream of writing something like this; and still others who would find it offensive. I care about neither class. And they, me. It's a symptom of being well-balanced and sane.

On the other hand, a symptom of being off-your-meds-batshit-looney coupled with a strong self esteem deficit manifesting itself in the actor's desire to fashion himself as some sort of magnificent righter of wrongs (as he in his self-serving way sees them) in the Public Discourse, is to go after his perceived enemy's livelihood:

See...I have a problem with that. A big problem. When a board certified psychologist is posting comments such as that, viewable by children, teenagers, mentally disturbed people, etc this now becomes a public health issue (no it doesn't - it just means that your world - and mind - are way too tiny -ed.).

People are free to exercise their 1st amendment rights. I support that 100%; However, when you are in the position that my good friend Leo is, you have a certain responsibility. Leo seems to think this is a political issue. In reality it is a moral and ethical issue.

Let's remember three things:

1) Leo is a person with a blog who - like everybody else - is entitled to his opinion. The fact that he's also a licensed shrink is completely irrelevant.

2) The purportedly aggrieved party in all this is dead.

3) Leo has a family to support.

So, let's talk morals and ethics, shall we Mr. Douchebag?

Now lets look at what I did:

1) I printed out his publicly posted blog and highlighted his disturbing comments concerning the mentally disturbed man who committed suicide.

2) I mailed those printouts to the school system he works for and to the editorial editor of his local paper.

You know, when you have a milieu like the blogging community (or, for those of us who have set ourselves apart, the ThunderJournaling community) (and people should really start buying into that concept, otherwise I'll send Ryan over to fart in your cubicle), it can give rise to all kinds of annoyances. You've got know-nothing know-it-all shipping and receiving clerks pompously proclaiming their intellectual superiority to highly successful commercial / antitrust litigators who are partners at international law firms. (Oh no, I'm not talking about anyone specific there - nosiree Bob!) You've got the incessant gutter sniping in comment threads. You've got phonies and fraudsters and mirthless jackasses and self-appointed experts all hocking rhetorical loogies at us and dropping intellectual turds on us every day.

But it's all just words. Bandwith. A foul stinking wind of garbage, occasionally broken by a crisp refreshing breeze of a worthwhile idea. Often unpleasant; but rarely harmful. Until you raise the dander of some maladjusted dimwit who wants to inflict an amount of real damage the target of his ire equal to... what exactly?

Civility is too much to ask. But sanity is mandatory. Otherwise, it all goes away.

Leo: keep blogging.

Douchebag Troll: pray your identity remains a secret. Because when you drag some stupid dispute out of a comment thread and into someone's personal life, you can't just put it back there when the law of unintended consequences busts into your reality.

UPDATE: Hey, Douchebag Troll: thanks for stopping by! Now I have your IP address.

Oops.

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO RYAN RHODES: At first I was puzzled by DT calling me "fat" since I neither am fat nor does he have any visual evidence on which to base that observation. On reflection, I realized that he thinks that picture in the header of you (again, I'm so very very sorry - *snort* *giggle*) is me. Therefore, he is calling you a fatty.

Aside from the fact that I now know where he lives, he'd be even more nervous had he known what context from which that picture of you was lifted.

Minnesota Politicos offer little hope

Look for NYC-like fat bans to take root right here.

They may say it won’t happen, but their weasel words say something completely different:

"I hope not," said City Council President Barb Johnson, when asked if the council would discuss following New York's lead. "I just think it's such a reach trying to get into people's dietary habits."

"We need an aggressive public health campaign, but we also need to balance that with our sense of personal liberty," he said. A ban in Minneapolis would only push restaurant-goers to the suburbs, City Council Member Paul Ostrow said.

"We're not ruling it out but we haven't given specific consideration to it at this time," said Gretchen Musicant, commissioner of the Minneapolis Health Department.

Even critics of trans fats were concerned: The American Heart Association said the ban might ask too much too quickly, forcing restaurants to use alternatives like palm oil, which is high in saturated fats.

A mandate to replace trans fats could be difficult, said Lisa Harnack, associate professor at the division of epidemiology and community health at the University of Minnesota, since the rush to replace trans fats has cut the supply of replacement oils.

"Since we just passed that motion on Porky's, I'm not sure where we are about all of this," Council Member Diane Hofstede said.

Not a one got the right answer. The closest was Barb Johnson’s “it’s such a reach” statement, but even that inspires little hope. The others are downright scary:

- The suburbs will get the business
- We’re not ruling it out
- It’s too much to quick
- Supplies of other oils are low
- I haven’t been told what think

Here’s a clue for each and every one: It aint your job to tell the local diner what it can and cannot serve or what I can and cannot eat.

It is just plain wrong, wrong, wrong, for government to get involved. Why can’t they see that? Why can’t they see we don’t want them around?

I know this is difficult for the Lefties who are hardwired with the Nanny Gene, and maybe surgical removal is the only option, but it’s high time they figure out they are the epitome of hypocrisy – smoking is not allowed, they’ll come after trans fat eventually, seatbelts are mandatory, etc, etc, but killing unborn babies continues unabated.

Well, at least we may have an idea of where the Left draws the line is.