Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About the Nature of Our Coming Super-Safe Risk-Free Society

I will not be silent!

But now it seems to me that all is lost and nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world,
No brave new world --Iron Maiden

We are turning the corner to a glorious new existence free from injury or discomfort! Yes, we have seen the virus-like spread of smoke-free everywheres, and the newly-discovered scourge of civilized society, transfats, is well on its way to the greasetrap of history. And now encouraging news comes from the newest two fronts in mankind's war against mortality.

First, Big Cheese takes a well-deserved hit:

Cheese is to be treated as junk food under new advertising rules for children's television.
Commercials promoting it will be banned during children's TV programmes and those with a large proportion of young viewers

Sure, the Great War on cheese has only just opened a front in Great Britain, but take heart! We here across the pond have just installed a Congress comprised of superior intellects with a penchant for implementing all of Europe's worst ideas. I am confident that the great threat posed to us by muenster and its evil axis of artery-clogging allies will be confronted stateside anon.

Speaking of safety here at home, another blow has been struck against the fear of recreational boo boos in our heartland:

Omaha is banning sledding at the Zorinsky and Cunningham Lake dams, which are both popular sledding spots. It is also banning ice skating and ice fishing on frozen ponds and lagoons in city parks. The move is in response to a court decision that resulted in public entities being liable for injuries that occur at public parks and other recreation facilities.

Three cheers for our nation's greatest asset: its attorneys!

Oh, a brave new world is at hand! A world without fear or pain. A world without liability! Why, the day will soon come when we can walk to our neighborhood organic, pesticide-free produce stand or gluten and refined sugar-free bakery dressed in our helmets, bubble-wrap overcoats and spf 350 sunscreen! A world where all the surfaces are covered with nerf; where children laugh happily while playing in the well-fenced-off parks, tethered securely to their primary caretakers on luxuriously short leashes. A world in which all the sharp corners are sanded down, and the only guns around are the ones that emit radar waves, laying unused in the back of squad cars because of the federally mandated engine governors installed in our 15 mph electric cars!

Oh brave new world!

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