Friday, January 05, 2007

Moron Mail - Dead Saddam Edition

EDITOR'S NOTE: I won't be silent. The following post contains a highly concentrated dose of idiocy. Reader discretion is advised.

I've allowed the letters condemning Saddam Hussein's execution pile up like bodies in a mass grave. Now is as good a time as any to blow them out our collective sphincters like the corn poop they are in a single cathartic twitch.

First off we have Samantha Bonerson lamenting those the late despot left behind:

I woke up Saturday morning and met the news of Saddam Hussein's execution with a deep, unexpected sadness.

It was not because he didn't commit atrocity after atrocity, and not because he didn't have a considerable role in creating the conditions for violence in Iraq today. It was because he was a father and because it seems that Americans are content to let their government run their lives and their morality without actively considering the consequences.

I must pause the letter at this point and ask:

What the fuck are you talking about????

I feel ashamed that I'm part of a country that caused Saddam's daughters the pain of loss that we so self-righteously persecuted him for inflicting upon so many people. This execution has set the stage for even more insurgent violence in a country that has already been crippled by its history and occupying forces.

Just like the Neuremburg trials and their subsequent executions let to - what? - Nazis shooting at cops and black people in North Minneapolis?

Not to mention that American leaders' children will not be those bearing the burden right alongside Iraqis.

Really. I have no idea what you are trying to say. Take a deep breath, pop a Zoloft and start over.

What a way to lead into 2007, where it seems we should expect simply more of the same.

If by "more of the same," you mean "dead genocidal dictators," then I agree completely.

SAMANTHA BONERSON, ST. PAUL

OK. This one thought the execution was a bad idea because Saddam spawned him some chillens.

Up next, we have the self-loathing Minneapolitan David Boner who is a genius (in his own mind) by virtue of his his stunning ability to apply hindsight:

Saddam Hussein was executed for an atrocity that occurred in 1982, when he had the support of the Reagan-Bush administration.

To be fair - because you won't - there were many other charges he was facing that hadn't yet been brought to trial. The execution pursuant to this verdict saved all parties involved the waste of any more resources on this piece of human garbage.

When Saddam invaded Iran in 1980, he started a war that lasted eight years and cost a million lives. Ignoring Saddam's human-rights abuses, including the use of chemical weapons, the United States financed the slaughter throughout the 1980s.

Hey, Boner: ever heard of the word "context"?

No:

The people of Iran remember whose side the United States was on during that senseless war, and some remember the U.S. overthrow of their government in 1953, when the shah took power.

And the American people in 1982 remembered very well, and still do, what Iran did to us in 1978. You apparently don't.

Iranians know that our president thinks Iran is part of an "axis of evil." They have seen the United States invade two of their neighbors, resulting in hundreds of thousands of civilian casualties and massive economic and environmental damage.

And democracy. And at least the planting of the seed of the idea of human rights in their minds. The Iranian people do not fear us. The Mullahs that run the place on the other hand...

Iran is no more of a threat to the United States than Iraq was four years ago. The United States, however, continues to be a threat to the security of Iran.

Yes those poor, innocent, peaceful, hollocaust dennying, nuke-building, terrorist funding "Iranians".

DAVID BONER, MINNEAPOLIS

Dumbass.

This one may be the worst letter to the Strib ever:

Shame on America, shame on the world, for allowing such flawed justice to be carried out in a manner of obvious retribution.

Oh the shame! Oh the shame! Shame on me! Shame on you! Shame on everybody except this guy!

If Saddam Hussein was put to death for the war crimes he had committed, then what are the consequences for the unparalleled tyranny caused by Tony Blair and George W. Bush, creating utter chaos in Iraq through a despicable invasion and consequently the tragic loss of thousands of lives?

Excuse me. I need to gouge my eyeballs out with a spoon after reading that paragraph.

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO TIM O'BRIEN: Even you have to admit that this letter is aggressively stupid.

Oh, you don't? Well, OK then.

We must bow our head in shame for callously letting our hands be tainted with blood through yet another heinous crime against humanity.

VINCENT LAMEBONER, NEW BRIGHTON

NOTE: Mr. Lomboner is a PhD candidate in Hyperbole Studies at National American University.

And finally-

THE CITIZENS OF KAR-NATION EXULT: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!

...we have Rob Oner, a self appointed expert in geo-politics and execution staging:

The most telling tale of the way Saddam Hussein's hanging was mishandled is how little actual control those who are supposedly governing Iraq today really have.

Au contraire. The most telling tale of the way Hussein's hanging was not mishandled was the presence of Hussein's corpse in the room shortly after his sentence was executed.

If the present government of Iraq couldn't even control the excesses of 20 people in an execution chamber, how then could it be expected to control the excesses of the nation as a whole?

Dude. Get a grip. One guy snuck in a camera phone.

You know, all those Pink Floyd bootlegs you own were reocorded by devices that weren't allowed in the concert venue. Apparently the present government of America can't control the excesses of a few stoned profiteers. The Constitutional republic form of government is a failure! We might as well tear it down and start over!

If we've learned anything about this latest in a very long string of tragic events in this part of the world, it is that Iraq has a very long road to go before it can truly be considered a "civil society."

You mean like how it was before the invasion?

ROB ONER, PRINCETON, MINN.

These four morons ought to be arrested and put on trial for crimes against sanity.

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