Monday, January 29, 2007

Moron Mail

Are you there Tim O'Brien? It's me, Foot. Can I ask you a question?

If I were to write a letter to the Strib stating that Hillary Clintion was beaming thoughts into my brain instructing me to kneecap Simon Cowell because he possesses a Top Secret microfiche that - were it to fall into the wrong hands - could bring about the downfall of the government of Lichnestein, would you feature it as the "Letter of the Day"?

No? Good. I don't blame you.

Then why would you print this paranoid hallucination?

Although Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said of the court's halting the recount of the Florida vote in 2000, "It's water over the deck -- Get over it" (Star Tribune, Jan. 25), the equivalent of a military coup is not the sort of thing that anyone should get over. For the first time in U.S. history, an election was ordered halted and an openly illegal government was installed.

OK, Mr. O'Brien, how about this: a letter that purported to have proof of an ongoing conspiracy between the Rand Corporation, the Saucer People and the Reverse Vampires to obliterate the meal of supper?

No? Even if I employed a tone of certitude in absolute terms?

Still no? I wonder why not-

Although the Supreme Court halted the recount on the ground of equal protection because the different Florida counties had different standards for counting disputed ballot, the Supreme Court had seen no reason to intervene on this ground in any election since the founding of the Republic, even though not only the different counties but even the different states had different standards for conducting elections and counting ballots.

How about if I took that same theory about the Reverse Vampires et al. but added an extra paragraph that tried to get you to ignore the legal, historical and technological context of the matter? Would it then be worthy?

And in a media recount, under four out of six possible methods of conducting the recount, Al Gore won. And these four methods of recounting were the only ones in which there were consistent methods of recounting the disputed ballots, including the dimpled chads.

Ooooh! Oooh! Instead of it being me who wrote the letter, what if it were a castrated talking monkey, bloviating on and on about how 9/11 was an inside job.

You're right. Even a monkey has enough brains to realize that 9/11 wasn't an inside job.

I wonder what kind of fool would?

ROBERT HALFWIT, MINNEAPOLIS

No comments: