Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Of the Minneapolis City Council, Top Chef and Digital Sphincters

Minneapolis joins the growing list of municipalities with city councils populated by self-indulgent buttheads who possess a comically distorted view of their own importance (and of geopolitical realities):

On Friday, the Minneapolis City Council passed a resolution calling for "an orderly, rapid and comprehensive withdrawal of United States military personnel from Iraq."

The long resolution, proposed by Council Member Ralph Remington, passed on a 9-0 vote, with four members abstaining.

Most striking about this resolution is the change in attitudes it represents.

Four years ago, former Council Member Paul Zerby attempted to get the council to pass a resolution opposing the U.S. invasion of Iraq. His prewar effort was ruled as not germane and never received a full council vote
.

Thank God the City of Lakes is run by such courageous and enlightened people who know their role in this topsy turvey world we inhabit.

And while I'm sure that this most nonbinding of nonbinding resolutions is sure to evoke a hearty "Fuck yeah!" from many of the morons that inhabit the city, even those who may be sympathetic to the sentiments therein may be forced to wonder what the point is. It's kind of like the hypothetical fellow who tinkers away in his garage and eventually invents an electronic anus. Sure it may be cool. It may improve the inventor's status among his friends and neighbors. But in the end, its just an electronic anus. Completely useless other than as a curiosity and as an artifact of hubris and of time that could have been better spent; after a few days or weeks doomed to an eternal residence in the back of some rarely opened storage cabinet, created for a task that has already been appointed to a far more capable and appropriate entity.

Really, if were going to have lawmaking bodies pass meaningless resolutions simply to grandstand, show off, express some pent up emotion, or whatever, how about bloviating about something fun. Like Top Chef. I'd love it if some city council, state legislature, school board, board of soil and water commissioners or, hell, even Congress resolved the following:

WHEREAS The season finale of Top Chef airs tonight at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9 Central; and

WHEREAS Marcel is a total dink; and

WHEREAS Our first preference, Cliff, was unceremoniously eliminated from the challenge for assaulting Marcel - something every single citizen in this great country would do if given the chance; and

WHEREAS The people of America think Marcel's food tends to be overwrought, high concept and impeccably plated dog food (with foam); and

WHEREAS Our second preference, Sam, was also booted from the show for no acceptable reason; and

WHEREAS We remind you how much we - EVERYBODY - hates that little shit Marcel; and

WHEREAS Ilan is the other finalist competing against Mr. Hot Shot Poofy Hair Asshole Marcel; and


WHEREAS We realize that the final episode of Top Chef has already been taped so this is really just an academic exercise;

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that:

All members of KAR Nation call upon all the judges of Top Chef - to wit: the hot chick, the hotter chick, and the bald Italian guy - to award this season's Top Chef honour honor to Ilan while humiliating Marcel as much as possible in the process.


BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that

We also wouldn't mind seeing Ilan do some sort of celebratory dance that involved beating Marcel to death with a wooden spoon.

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