Thursday, January 25, 2007

Tante Persone in Cerca di una Vita

LEARNEDFOOT: Oh. My. GAWD! Oh my god Oh my god Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Whattup F?

LF: Michele Bachmann!!!! Touched George Bush!!!!! On the shoulder!!!! For, like, 15 seconds!!!!!! Touched him on the shoulder!!!!!!

BILL: Yeah. So?

LF: And she kissed him!!!! On the cheek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Dude. You're scaring me...

LF: Don't you get it man???? Michele Bachmann grabbed Bush!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: I, er -

LF: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA!!!!

[Enter Head of Alfredo Garcia]

HOAG: Whattup with Foot, Bill?

BILL: I dunno. He just started babbling incoherently about how Michele Bachmann touched George Bush at the State of the Union Address.

HOAG: Yeah, I heard about that. I think she kissed him too.

BILL: On the cheek.

HOAG: Yes, on the cheek.

LF: I"m gonna write 10 - no - 20 posts about this!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

[BILL and HOAG back away slowly. BILL picks up a phone and dials. Split screen with scene of DEMENTEE answering phone.]

DEMENTEE: HELLO!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Hey, D. We've uh, got a problem, here.

DEM: DO TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Foot is acting, um, strange.

DEM: HOW SO????????!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: He keeps obsessing about Michele Bachmann's behavior at the State of the -

DEM: MMM HMMM!!!!!! YES, DEMENTEE HEAR ABOUT THAT!!!!!! SHE, LIKE, TOUCHED THE PRESIDENT OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Yes; on the shoulder. And kissed him on the cheek. Listen, Foot has gone completely 'round the bend and won't shut up about it.

DEM: HOLD RECEIVER UP SO DEMENTEE CAN HEAR FOOT!!!!!!!!

[BILL holds up phone receiver]

LF: heh *tic* heh heh... I wonder why Craig Westover hasn't commented on Michele Bachmann touching the president on the shoulder yet! Or John Hinderaker. Or Eric Black. hehe *tic* Or Bogus Doug. Or Glenn Reynolds. Or Nihilist in -

[BILL returns phone to his ear]

BILL: You see? We're dealing with a lot of shit here!

DEM: OK!!!!! ME THINK ME KNOW WHAT GOING ON!!!!!! FOOT SUFFERING FROM EXTEREME VIRULENT AGGRESSIVE YAPPIE-OBSESSIVE UNRAVELING NUMBNUT GOOBER (E.V.A.Y.O.U.N.G.) DISORDER!!!!!!!

BILL: What's that?

DEM: IT A DISEASE THAT GENERALLY MANIFEST ITSELF IN PATHETIC DOUCHEBAGS WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM!!!! IT DEBILITATING IN THAT AN E.V.A.Y.O.U.N.G. SUFFERER BECOME SO WRAPPED UP IN IRRATIONAL HATRED OF SOME PERSON THEY UNABLE TOP DO ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE WITH LIFE!!!!!

BILL: I see. Any other symptoms?

DEM: WELL, IN ADDITION TO WHAT YOU CURRENTLY WITNESSING, PEOPLE AFFLICTED WITH MALADY TEND TO COPY AND PASTE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN A LOT. ALSO, IN MANY CASES PATIENT EXHIBIT SIGNS OF EXTREME SELF PROMOTION!!!!!!

BILL: Luckily Foot hasn't advanced to that stage quite -

LF: Curious:


Silence of the Fishsticks
At
least Hannibal would not dodge the issue.Went over to
Fishsticks, and,
guess what? He's not mentioning Ms. Bachmann these days. Silence of the
Fishsticks, no doubt about it.But Michele Bachmann's PiPress cheerleader is on
record. He likes Bachmann -- because she has "class."More
class
than Wetterling. He says.More
class
than Mark Kennedy.He shows Kennedy up, by quoting at length from the Valley Girl
press release Michele authored in the Wayzata custard shop way back then.
Go
have a look
.As recently as this month he was humping
praise
for Bachmann because she opposes a minimum wage change;
never mind a living wage.He shamelessly printed her
entire
press release
when she declared herself a candidate for Congress.
For now, he seems to have deep sixed the Bachmann commentary. Strange,
eh?Fishsticks old chap, what say you, about Michele Bachmann these days, and
class?
posted by eric zaetsh at 8:59 AM Comments (7)
postCountTB('116973813998093639');
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Fishsticks is almoost as rediculous as the Drama Queen. Read my blog!!!

BILL: Oh geez!!! It's getting worse, D! What can we do?

DEM: UNFORTUNATELY, FOR MOST SUFFERERS OF E.V.A.Y.O.U.N.G IT TOO LATE. BUT SINCE THIS SEEM LIKE NEW CASE, ME THINK THERE HOPE!!!!!

BILL: Tell me, damn you!! Tell me now!

DEM: MOST COMMON CAUSE IS THAT VICTIM LOSE BRAIN AT SOME POINT!!!! LOOK AROUND AND SEE IF YOU CAN FIND FOOT'S BRAIN!!!!

BILL: Fred! Quick- see if you can find a brain laying around here somewhere!

[BILL and FRED search]

HOAG: Found it!

BILL: OK, Dementee, we found it. Now what?

DEM: PUT BRAIN BACK IN FOOT HEAD!!!!!!

BILL: [to HOAG] Try to get his brain back in his head!

[After much effort, HOAG is successful]

BILL: OK it's in. Now what?

DEM: HE SHOULD SHOW STEADY IMPROVEMENT!!!! KEEP EYE ON HIM!!!! TALK TO HIM!!!!! SEE HOW HE RESPOND!!!!!!!!

BILL: Thank's D. You're the best.

DEM: NO PROBLEMO!!!!!! BYE!!!!

HOAG: So what did he say we should do?

BILL: We should talk to him, see if he's back to normal.

HOAG: OK. Hey Foot? Can you hear me, man?

LF: ...

HOAG: Foot? Foot? Come in Foot.

LF: HA! Pwn3d!!!!!!

BILL: What the -

HOAG: Oh! I've seen this one. He's got a small case of Feminine Emasculed Cockgoblin who thinks he Knows Everything syndrome.

BILL: What do we do?

HOAG: There's only one way he could have contracted it. [Glances at the floor and picks something up] Aha!

BILL: What's that?

HOAG: The cunvulsion that shot Foot's brain out of his skull must've knocked his balls off as well. Here, Foot. Put these back on.

[LF takes his balls and reattatches them. The glazed look immediately disappears from his eyes.]

LF: Whew. Thanks guys. I don't know what happened. I mean, I was reading all these posts about Michele Bachmann on some leftyblogs and by about the 500th post on the subject, I had some sort of spasm and everything went dark.

HOAG: That's a common reaction. Well, my work here is done, friend. Now, let's all hope that Tim O'Brien didn't witness LF's bizarre behavior, lest we end up in the Blog House.

BILL: True dat, yo.

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