Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Which State Am I In Again?

Before I do my part for Blog for Uranus Day, I need to rant.

Sometime last year, I related a minimally-exaggerated story, in which my 5 (then, 4) year old daughter declared her desire to play hockey. While I was initially aghast, I since came to accept this.

And now, for the happiness of my chillens, I embrace it.

The Girl began taking skating lessons last year, and is now becoming quite proficient at it. And while many of her interests have flamed out as quickly as they ignited (dance class comes to mind), when I asked her recently if she was still interested in playing hockey, she replied with an enthusiastic "YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! Moonchild is a poopy butt!"

So in preparation for my impending role as Hockey Dad, I began shopping for skates last week. I have never owned a pair of skates, and the last time I ever strapped one on and took to the ice was some 25 years ago. I have found this to be a most difficult task in that:

1) I have no clue what to look for in a good hockey skate;

2) Approximately 75% of hockey skates are way out of my price range;

3) Of the 25% that are in my price range, MY F-ING SIZE IS NEVER IN STOCK!!!!

4) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

5) *pant* *pant*

6) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I was able to find one model in my size - and I should mention here that it's a fairly typical size for an adult male - at Dick's Last Resort Sporting Goods, and found it to fit like an ultra-modern, elegantly devised medieval torture device.

I have already tried reaching out to the MOB's foremost ambassador of hockey and my sporting archnemesis Chad to aid me in my hour of need only to receive responses like "Damn shame, Cliff getting kicked off of Top Chef like that," and "Don't bother me - Top Chef is on right now." So I am hoping that there is somewhere out there in KAR-Nation that can help me. I need 2 things:

a) Help finding some f-ing skates that are relatively inexpensive (I hold no illusions) that will not require me to undergo reconstructive foot surgery after 3 hours of use; and

b) Help me to learn how to play hockey (er, and skate for that matter) well enough that I can competently impart such coaching to my children when the time arrives for me to do so.

I can reward your expertise with beer. Drop me a line if you're willing to help a brutha at koolaidreport at yahoo dot com.

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