Friday, February 23, 2007

Atmospheric Disturbance

From the KAR AccuWeather Eye on the Sky StormTrack Counter Blizzard Unit:

A LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM COMING OUT OF THE ROCKIES COLLIDING WITH AN INFLUX OF MOIST, WET, STICKY, HOT VOLUPTUOUS AIR FROM THE GULF OF MEXICO WILL BRING 6 TO 38 INCHES OF SNOW TO MINNESOTA, THE DAKOTAS, IOWA AND NORTHERN WISCONSIN FRIDAY THROUGH MONDAY. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SHOVEL DRIVEWAYS AND SIDEWALKS AS THE HEAVY WET SNOW IS CERTAIN TO CAUSE HEART ATTACKS. AVOID SLEDDING. SLEDDING HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CAUSE INJURY TO THE HEAD, NECK AND COXYX COCKSYX COXXYXX BUTT. TRAVEL WILL BE TREACHEROUS TO IMPOSSIBLE THROUGH MONDAY AFTERNOON. BE SURE TO STOCK UP ON FOOD AND NECESSITIES BEFORE ONSET OF STORM FRIDAY EVENING. IF YOU FAIL TO DO SO AND ARE FORCED TO CANNIBALIZE THE LOVED ONES WHO DIED BEFORE YOU, REMEMBER TO COOK THEM TO AN INTERNAL TEMPERATURE OF 160 DEGREES TO AVOID FOOD-BORNE ILLNESS. FOR A WILD GAME TYPE FLAVOR, TRY SAUTEEING THE FLESH OF YOUR LOVED ONE IN BUTTER, ADD DRY RED WINE AND MINCED SHALLOTS TO THE DRIPPINGS AND REDUCE TO MAKE A TASTY SAUCE. STAY INDOORS AND WATCH THE MARQUETTE GOLDEN BASKETBALL WARRIOR EAGLES PUMMEL THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF NOTRE DAME SATURDAY AFTERNOON, 3:30 PM (CST) ON YOUR LOCAL ABC AFFILIATE (SUBJECT TO REGIONAL PROGRAMMING -- CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS). WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

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