Friday, February 16, 2007

MilF FAQ

What does "MilF" stand for?

That is the shorthand reference to the Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KAR-Nation Open Championship Charity Golf Outing Classic (hosted by David Fehrity*). It has also been refered to as "The Millard" the "Golf Outing" and the "Hey - Let's Hit Into Those Obnoxious Slow-Playing Jerks."

The MilF is the world's preeminent annual golf tournament that involves bloggers, ThunderJournalists, comment trolls, fans and groupies. To our knowledge.

I landed on this page when I Googled "Milf". This isn't what I'm looking for at all.

Sorry. Try googling "Amanda Marcotte". You might have a better chance of finding what you're looking for.

Where will the MilF be played?

Like last year, we will try to book the majestic TPC at Valleywood in lovely and vibrant Apple Valley Minnesota. Like everything else at this early date, this is subject to change (though not likely).

When is it?

Once we have received input from all participants as to the date that works best for everyone, we will set it. Right now, we are leaning toward having it on the Friday after the 4th of July like last year.

But, but, but - Keegan's might have a Scotch tasting that evening! Whatever will I do?

If you need a special event at a bar to taste Scotch, you are probably unfit to participate in the MilF.

I''ll just RSVP anyway.

That would be an extremely bad idea, given Bill's skill with photoshop.

So I shouldn't e-mail you unless I am certain I will attend?

No, silly! You need to e-mail me expressing your interest so that you can have a stake at planning the date, time and format. The RSVPs will come later.

And in case you forgot, that e-mail address is koolaidreport at yahoo dot com. You should contact me EVEN IF YOU PARTICIPATED LAST YEAR and EVEN IF YOU AREN'T SURE YOU WILL PARTICIPATE.

I haven't golfed in years / I suck at golf / my clubs should be in a museum / I don't want to embarrass myself so I don't think I'll play.

Rot. The skill level of players in last year's MilF ranged from an 8 Handicap (frequent drunk commenter and member of champion team mgehrity) to an American Idol Fan-level handicap (Bogus Doug). We will try to be more helpful to the modestly talented this year, by ignoring the Nihilist in Golf Pants' protestations and going with a modified scramble format this year.

A modified whazis?

Scramble. Golfers group up in teams of two, three or four players. Each player will take a shot, they will then choose the best shot of the team and play the ball from that spot for the entire round. It takes the pressure off, and mitigates the liability any single player is to his team.

How will teams be formed?

Well, you can form them on your own, or, for those without a team, we will cobble them together shortly before the MilF. This is why it is so gosh darn important for you to e-mail me at koolaidreport at yahoo dot com and get on the mailing list.

I have never golfed, harbor no desire to golf and I even hate the word golf. Is there anything for me?

Why yes, yes there is. We have a post-round gala informally referred to as the "PostMilf". The only skill required there is an ability to drink beer, eat grilled meat and throw lit M-80s at Andy Aplikowski.

Really - there'll be fireworks?

Probably. It just wouldn't be the PostMilF if Bill and I didn't exhibit the famous pyrotechnics we invented: The Tongue of Fire and The Noise From the Bowels o' Hell.

Golf Shmolf. I read this ThunderJournal for one reason, and one reason only: stupid letters to the Strib. Can ya' give a brotha a holla?

No problemo:

I'd rather have a Senate candidate who can tell a joke than have a president who is a joke.

Hey! With Al Franken you get a twofer!

Well, he's not so good at that whole "telling a joke" thing any more...

The high-powered attacks on Al Franken reflect the potency of his candidacy.

Yet the poll numbers point to impotency.

Franken's effectively combative nature reminds me of Paul Wellstone, who

RANDOM NOTE I JUST THOUGHT OF NOW: It is more than well-settled fact that people who use the phrase "speak truth to power" possess too few brain cells to discern what exactly "truth" is.

spoke truth to power and guided his life by principles and not PAC contributions. We will judge Franken by what he says and does in the next year, not by the

ANOTHER THING I JUST THOUGHT OF: People who refer to the act of pointing out serious flaws of character or policy in a candidate as "Swift Boating" tend to also believe that Jane Fonda is a patriotic American and Josh Hartnett should set our foreign policy.

Swift-boating type of attacks launched by Republican operatives whose only goal is destruction.

Because we know that DFLic "operatives" (otherwise known as "all of them") never take shots at their oponents.

RICHARD NOTSOBREITMAN, MINNEAPOLIS

Heh. That was great. So anyway, will there be any changes to the MilF this year?

Aside from the move to a scramble format, I was thinking about maybe pooling some $$$ from the competitors and awarding the winning team a Fabulous Cash Prize. This will be up to the consensus of those participating of course, so it's absolutely crucial that you contact me at koolaidreport at yahoo dot com if you want a voice in the matter.

So how much will this all cost me?

=> Greens fees and a cart: around $50

=> Fabulous cash prize: $10 (just a suggestion; we will discuss)

=> PostMilf beer fund and charitable contibution: $10 - $15 (although last year many PostMilfers ponied up more $$ for the charity; consider that price a minimum)

=> Firing bottle rockets at Andy's fuzzy head: Priceless

So, who are those that have yet to contact you whom you will mock mecilessly if they don't get on the stick?

Oh, My Partner from last year, Surly, Kelly Pickler's Biggest Fan, Chad the Poseur. To name a few.

And what about the PostMilf?

Kevie from EckerNut, and the Stroms are three butt-pickers that come to mind.

Oh! Oh! Will Mitch Berg be there? He's so dreamy, and I'd like to date him. Did I mention that i'm an astronaut, so you know I'm well-adjusted?

Mitch would be another that has yet to harness the power of e-mail.

Well, all this sounds like a lot of fun! How do I sign up?

*sigh*

koolaidreport at yahoo dot com. Please specify whether you're interested in attending the golf outing, the PostMilf or both.

* Fehrity has yet to confirm.

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