Sunday, March 04, 2007

Another Exposed Minnesota Democrat

A disturbing plea for advice appeared in Saturday's Dear Abby. The disturbing part isn't so much the substance of the supplicant's problem - as hideous as that is - but rather that the person with whom she is having issues is one of our own. Regular readers of Dear Abby know that names and other specific references are often changed to protect privacy. However, the writer in this case wasn't all that creative:

DEAR ABBY: We have a male neighbor I'll call ==>"Flash"<== who frequently walks out to get his newspaper -- or the mail, or to retrieve something from his car -- while he's as naked as the day he was born. (He's in his late 50s and divorced.) Some of the women in the neighborhood know not to look toward Flash's home if they're out for a walk. They have discovered that he is most likely in the buff, standing at his glass door or sitting at his front office computer with the door open.

Flash is otherwise a likable and helpful neighbor. [He always has a cold beer waiting for you fresh from his garage kegerator -ed.] We do not want to say anything that might destroy that relationship. It's not against the law to be a nudist, or for a woman to go topless in public in this city. However, to see a fella streak to his car is a little surprising and unsettling, even for another adult.

In the normal course of things, he may be spotted in the nude once a week. I can only assume this goes on daily, but thankfully, our paths don't cross more than once a week. Is this something we should be concerned about? -- STARTLED IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

Now I didn't bother to read Abby's response as she tends to be rather inane ("get counseling" / "call the police" / "dump the jerk"). I don't really have a problem with it, because I figure that anyone who thinks they're going to get good advice from a syndicated newspaper columnist who has less than 4 line-inches to solve your problem, deserves what they're getting.

But because there is a good possibility that Startled in Austin (you're not fooling anyone babe - how's things in the Midway?) reads this blog, I feel that is incumbent on me to help her deal with this nude guy. So I direct the follwing words to Startled in St. Paul Austin:

DEAR FOOT SEZ:

Dear Startled:

Get over yourself you insensitive, boorish harpy. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps "Flash" has some sort of medical problem that requires him to spend long periods of time at home nude? Men in their fifties (if that is his real age) have been known to get hot flashes like their menopausal female counterparts. Now, maybe you think that you'd be perfectly comfortbale keeping on your flannel jammies when your internal thermostat goes on the fritz, but most normal people I know would rather strip down and do a few laps around the block in sub-freezing weather.

In fact, I think that the legislature ought to pass a law exempting people experiencing hot flashes from the public indecency laws. Perhaps the state could issue them a special card (though I don't know where those poor hot flashers would keep it at the times when they'd need it the most).

It's also possible that Flash has a bowel disorder, and that his nudity saves him precious moments when he needs to get his butt on the can in a hurry - if you know what I mean.

In any event, show some compassion, you bitch. If everybody feigned concern for the folks out there experiencing hot flashes or irritable bowel syndrome like I do, the world might be a better place...

...Or maybe it'd be the same place, only one overpopulated with a bunch of tools trying to score political points over a very silly issue, and looking like a gaggle of pompous gasbags in the process. But be that as it may - good luck dealing with "Flash".

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