Tuesday, March 20, 2007

March to Madness Episode 2: The Phantom Atomizer

[Our scene opens with LearnedFoot, Bill and Dementee gathered around the Kegerator at KAR world headquarters. We join the conversation already in progress.]

LEARNEDFOOT: ...controversy for the ages. That said, this issue is not really all that tough of a call when you think about it. And while I can see the other side's argument, I simply cannot understand why anyone would think that a classic low rise thong is sexier than your basic V-string.

DEMENTEE: DEMENTEE SEE YOUR POINT, BUT STILL NOT CONVINCED!!!!!

BILL: Well, Dementee, you see -

[Atomizer suddenly appears and interrupts the conversation.]

ATOMIZER: What up, gentlemen?

LF: 'Sup, A? You look sad.

ATOM: I am sad.

DEM: WHY SAD????!!!!!!!

ATOM: The Fraters are picking on me again!

[Dementee, LearnedFoot and Bill follow the hyperlink to see what Atomizer is talking about]

BILL: Man, those guys are just mean. I mean, CSPAN? C'mon! Get a life...

ATOM: I know. You see what I have to put up with every day? Not only is the water cooler there filled with actual water, if something doesn't have to do with CSPAN, hockey or Vox Day, those guys don't want to hear about it. Sheesh!

DEM: WOULD ATOMIZER LIKE BEER FROM CORPORATE KEGERATOR??????!!!!!!

ATOM: No thanks. It's after noon. I'm on to the harder stuff.

LF: It's just not fair, Atomizer. For all the material you provide for that blog - and the occasional post you write yourself - you'd think those guys would appreciate you more.

ATOM: I know! I hate it when Chad tries to put words in my mouth! And there's just no end to the back biting over there. I mean, there was this one time - oh, I probably shouldn't say anything...

BILL: It's OK. KAR is a "Judgment-Free Zone". You should feel comfortable talking about anything you want here.

ATOM: Well there was this one time, where Chad was on his third straight hour talking about his NCAA hockey tournament pics, and when I mentioned that Holy Cross had a good basketball program too, he went through the roof! Swearing and carrying on as if I had just stolen his tuque or something. It's like he refuses to even acknowledge that other, far more interesting sports exist.

LF: Yeah, and only 16 teams play in the hockey tournament -

ATOM: Which I believe accounts for about 85% of all the Division 1 college hockey programs -

LF: - right. How hard is that to bet on?

BILL: Unless the Gophers play Holy Cross in the first round.

[They all laugh. Except Dementee, who looks indignant.]

DEMENTEE: HEY NOW!!!!!! NO MORE BADMOUTH HOCKEY!!!!!

[LearnedFoot makes Dementee disappear in a cloud of pixels and irrelevance]

ATOM: Cool! I wish I could do that to Chad sometimes...

BILL: I know how you feel man. I. Know. How. You. Feel.

LF: I can teach you...

ATOM: Huh?

LF: [Voice booming] Join us, and I can teach you the ways of the ThunderJournal! You can be my apprentice, and together we can crush the insufferable college hockey fans!!!!

ATOM: Um...

LF: Er, well...there are other reasons to join us.

ATOM: Such as?

LF: Well, uh, such as...we are the best looking team of bloggers in the universe!

ATOM: Oh, really?

LF: Sure! Compare us to your Fraters. Top to bottom, we are a better looking bunch. I am better looking than Chad. Bill is much more fetching than St. Paul -

ATOM: What about the Head of Alfredo Garcia?

LF: Um...well, he's not as good looking as JB, but he carries himself with quiet confidence, stemming from his certitude that he is a much purer conservative.

ATOM: Yeah, I can see that.

LF: So you can join us, and be a part of the handsomest group of bloggers in the universe, and learn neat rhetorical tricks too!

ATOM: I'll think about it...

LF: Good enough for me!. Now, let's take a look at your brackets.

BILL: And I shall decorate a pie to mark the occasion!

TO BE CONTINUED...

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