Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Three Characters in Search of...Anything

BILL: What is up Foot?

LEARNEDFOOT: 'Sup yo?

BILL: Nuttin'.

LF: I see. I see. Same here.

BILL: ...

LF: ...

BILL: Soooooo...anything to blog about today?

LF: Meh. Whatchoo got goin' on?

BILL: Not much. I've finished decorating my pies for the day...

LF: Ah. Say Bill, what do you do with those pies after you're done decorating them anyway?

BILL: I usually photograph them and then throw them away.

LF: You throw them away?

BILL: Away.

LF: Whatever for?

BILL: I can't eat those pies - so many carbs. Too fattening.

LF: Ah.

BILL: ...

LF: ...

BILL: So there's really nothing to write about today?

LF: Nothing!

BILL: What about the Scooter Libby verdict?

LF: Heh. Scooter! That's fun to say: Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter -

BILL: Yeah but what do you think of -

LF: Scooter Scooter bo Booter, banana fanna fo Footer me my mo Mooter - Scooter!

BILL: ...the verdict; what it means?

LF: It means nothing really.

BILL: Yeah, but the Kos Kiddies, the Blog Housers and the "Moderate" Douchebags will be hopping up and down saying it proooooooves that "Chimpie McBushitler LIED" to get us into this "IMMORAL war," and so forth.

LF: Beh. All molehills look like mountains to small men...

BILL: True dat.

LF: Indeed.

[Enter DEMENTEE]

DEMENTEE: 'SUP D00DZ????!!!!!!!

LF: 'Sup D?

BILL: What is up Dementee?

DEM: NUTTIN'!!!!!!!

BILL: Us too. We're bored silly.

DEM: WHAT???!!!!! NO MORON WRITE LETTER TO NEWSPAPER TODAY??????!!!!!!!!

LF: Feh. Nothing worth wasting twenty minutes on.

BILL: Well, what about this one? [Reading]

It's good that U.S. Rep. John Kline has agreed to hold a town hall forum on the war in Iraq. But he hasn't yet set a date or place.

And until he does, the concerned constituents of his who've been gathering at his Burnsville office each Tuesday morning have no reason to discontinue their visitations.

BONER McBONER

Inver Boner Heights


LF: *Yawn* Same old nonsense -

DEM: OOOOOOO!!!!! COME TO DEMENTEE LITTLE MOONBAT!!!!!! ME GONNA EEEEEEAAAAAAT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

LF: If I've read that letter once, I've read it a thousands times: "Wheee!!! Look at me! Look at meeeeeee!!!! My opinion is the only one that matters! John Kline is a big meanie! How dare he side with the 55% of his district that put him in offfice!!! Wah! Wah! I just made a poo poo in my dipey! Wah" -

BILL: OK, I get the point.

LF: I mean, there are only so many different angles from which you can assail such sanctamony...

DEM: TRUE DAT!!!!!!

DEM: ....

DEM: BUT ME STILL HUNGRY!!!!!!

LF: ...

BILL: ...

BILL: I may have a pie around here somewhere... [Rifles through the garbage can.]

DEM: ER...NEVER MIND!!!!!! ME NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE!!!!!!

LF:....

DEM:...

BILL:...

LF: Uh, I think Thursday night may be a Keegan's night. Who's with me?

DEM: ME GOTTA CHECK WITH MRS. DEMENTEE, BUT ME THINK ME CAN MAKE IT!!!!!

LF: You - you have to clear it with your wife?

DEM: YOU EVER SEE HER WHEN ANGRY????!!!!! SHE SCARE DEMENTEE!!!!! ME NOT WANNA PISS HER OFF!!!!!!!

LF: Oh. Well, what about you Bill?

BILL: I can't - new episode of Grey's Anatomy is on.*

LF: ...

DEM: ...

LF: ...

DEM: ...

LF: You nancy-boy.

DEM: DEMENTEE CONCUR!!!!!!!!!!

LF: *sigh*

DEM: *sigh*

BILL: *sigh*

LF: So. very. bored.

DEM: THERE REALLY NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT, HUH?????!!!!!

LF: Nothing that catches my fancy. No.

DEM: WELL, THEN, LET'S KARAOKE!!!!!!!!!!

LF: ??????

BILL: ??????

LF: What in the hell are you talking about?

DEM: HEY MAN: IT YOUR POST ON YOUR THUNDERJOURNAL SPRINGING FROM YOUR IMAGINATION!!!!! YOU GOD HERE!!!! FOOT CAN DO WHATEVER FOOT WANT!!!!! WHY NOT KARAOKE MACHINE????!!!!!!

BILL: He's got a point there.

LF: Hmmm. Aw, what the hell!

[A karaoke machine magically appears out of thin air and begins playing Unchained Melody. DEMENTEE grabs the mic.]

DEM: OOOOO!!!! THIS DEMENTEE'S FAVORITE!!!!!!!!

BILL: This ought to be good...

DEM: [Singing] OOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!! MY LOVE!!!!!!!! DARLING!!!!!!! DEMENTEE HUNGERED FOR....YOUR TOUCH!!!!!!! A LONG LONELY TIME!!!!!!...

BILL: Eeesh!

LF: Yeah that was a mistake.

BOGUS DOUG: He's kinda pitchy, dog, but not bad. I think I'll write a long post about this...

[BOGUS DOUG disappears as mysteriously as he arrived]

BILL: Where the hell did he come from?

LF: Eh. We needed a critique. My post, my imagination - all that.

DEM: [Singing] ARE YOU STILL MIIIIIIIIIII-HI-HI-HI-HI-HI-HINE????!!!!!!!!

BILL: Geez! This is awful. Let's go.

LF: Yes. Let's go.

[They do not move]

===================

* Actual excuse offered by Bill.

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