Monday, April 23, 2007

I've Discovered Another Problem With Sheryl Crow's One-Square Limit

Earlier I was in a public restroom dropping a stinky. As I defiantly unrolled far more toilet paper than this particular solid and clean poop required, I noticed an attribute of this particular type of paper that Ms. Crow seems to have overlooked. Namely, this particular personal hygiene aid was not pre-perforated into neat little squares. Instead, it was merely a continuous roll of adequate one-ply which requires you to either tear the appropriate portion yourself, or use the jagged-edged T.P -tearer helpfully provided on the roll holder.

And this is a big problem, because these unperforated mega-rolls can be found in many heavily-used public rest rooms. So in order to prevent using more than one's allotted one-square share, the environmentally-conscious pooper will be forced to bring a ruler and protractor to the john along with the typical accouterments (newspaper, Playstation 2, porno mag, etc.). And putting that aside, what is the observant carbon-neutral excreter to do if he or she fails to follow the "measure twice, cut once" rule, resulting in the occasional wasteful rectangle? Throw it away and start over? Or perhaps should an errant toilet paper cutter use the inaccurately rent tissue, thereby using more than the fair share that could have been used by the poor guy who washed down that giant burrito with 6 or 7 Grain Belt Primos the night before - overconsumption being the lesser evil to waste?

About the only upside I can see is that it could open a whole new market for Pooping Accessory Totes. Some ingenious entrepreneur could design, fabricate and sell a compact shoulder-slung tote bag to carry all the pooping necessities: a sleeve for the newspaper, slots to hold a pencil, ruler and protractor, and a handy chart on which one can record one's toilet paper consumption activity so as to facilitate future Toilet Paper Offset purchases should they become necessary.

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