The KARnies are gathered in the KAR HQ conference room.
LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you all for coming to this emergency staff meeting on such short notice.
DEMENTEE: NO PROBLEMO!!!!!!!
HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: meh
LF: As most of you know, the massive traffic KAR has seen over the past month due to our linking to a picture of Ryan's ass last September has dried up. Traffic is now back at its pre-ass-o-lanche levels.
DEM: THAT MAKE DEMENTEE MAD!!!!!!!!
LF: What you all may not be aware of, is that I, as managing editor of KAR, anticipate this return to B-level traffic, and have been meeting with media consultants to plan how to best retask our resources. I'll be frank: we need to cut costs and streamline, while simultaneously growing the ThunderJournal. With the consultants' help, I have redefined each one of our roles, so that each contributor fills a niche that most closely comports with his talents and abilities. I believe that this is our route back to 4-digit daily traffic.
DEM: SOUND GOOD!!!!!!! ME LISTENING!!!!!
LF: The new roles are as follows: I will remain as KAR Chief Editor, and will take on a new additional role that I think will really improve our market presence - celebrity interviews!
BILL: Neat! Pie!
LF: Starting today, Bill is fired as Artistic director, and will henceforth only cover pie news.
BILL: Pie - I mean - WHAT????
LF: Yes, Bill you have the very first pie beat anywhere in the media. Congratulations.
BILL: Well, thank you. But as excited as I am about getting the greatest job a ThunderJournalist - nay - a journalist could ever hope for, who's going to do the header art? After all, the header art is a big draw.
LF: I'm glad you asked! Meet your new artistic director: Dementee!
LF: Really. As of now, you are relieved of your duties as KAR's designated ranter, and can fully focus your energies on creating masterpieces of header art!
DEM: ME VERY EXCITED FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY!!!!! ME GOT ONE PROBLEM THOUGH - ME NOT KNOW HOW TO USE MS PAINT!!!!!!!!!
LF: Heh. That doesn't matter! I'm management, and a bevy of high-priced consultants said that Art Director is the best fit for you. How could we possibly be wrong?
DEM: BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT COME HERE TO READ DEMENTEE CUZ THEY LIKE DEMENTEE'S GRAPHIC LANGUAGE AND IMAGERY???????!!!!!!!!!
LF: They won't even notice you're gone.
DEM: SWEET!!!!!! ME GONNA WORK ON ME FIRST HEADER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
LF: Great! I love that enthusiasm!
BILL: What about The Head?
LF: Sorry, Head, but we're gonna have to let you go. We've outsourced your job to Sisyphus.
LF: Great! Glad to see there's no hard feelings. Well, everybody, that's it. I think we can look forward to years of success in our new roles, and with the help of highly-paid consultants who could never ever give bad advice. After all, what could possiblai go wrong?
LF: Er, "possibly" go wrong. That's the first time that anything has ever gone wrong...
DEM: ME FINISHED WITH NEW HEADER BOSS!!!!!!!!!! WHATCHOO THINK????!!!!!!!