Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Leveraging Our Synergies and Redirecting Our Human Resources to a More Favorable Line of Sight Mission Supply Chain

The KARnies are gathered in the KAR HQ conference room.

LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you all for coming to this emergency staff meeting on such short notice.

DEMENTEE: NO PROBLEMO!!!!!!!

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: meh

BILL: Pie!

LF: As most of you know, the massive traffic KAR has seen over the past month due to our linking to a picture of Ryan's ass last September has dried up. Traffic is now back at its pre-ass-o-lanche levels.

DEM: THAT MAKE DEMENTEE MAD!!!!!!!!

HOAG: meh

BILL: Pie!

LF: What you all may not be aware of, is that I, as managing editor of KAR, anticipate this return to B-level traffic, and have been meeting with media consultants to plan how to best retask our resources. I'll be frank: we need to cut costs and streamline, while simultaneously growing the ThunderJournal. With the consultants' help, I have redefined each one of our roles, so that each contributor fills a niche that most closely comports with his talents and abilities. I believe that this is our route back to 4-digit daily traffic.

DEM: SOUND GOOD!!!!!!! ME LISTENING!!!!!

HOAG: meh.

BILL: Pie!

LF: The new roles are as follows: I will remain as KAR Chief Editor, and will take on a new additional role that I think will really improve our market presence - celebrity interviews!

DEM: OOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

HOAG: meh

BILL: Neat! Pie!

LF: Starting today, Bill is fired as Artistic director, and will henceforth only cover pie news.

BILL: Pie - I mean - WHAT????

LF: Yes, Bill you have the very first pie beat anywhere in the media. Congratulations.

BILL: Well, thank you. But as excited as I am about getting the greatest job a ThunderJournalist - nay - a journalist could ever hope for, who's going to do the header art? After all, the header art is a big draw.

LF: I'm glad you asked! Meet your new artistic director: Dementee!

DEM: REALLY?????!!!!!!!!!

LF: Really. As of now, you are relieved of your duties as KAR's designated ranter, and can fully focus your energies on creating masterpieces of header art!

DEM: ME VERY EXCITED FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY!!!!! ME GOT ONE PROBLEM THOUGH - ME NOT KNOW HOW TO USE MS PAINT!!!!!!!!!

LF: Heh. That doesn't matter! I'm management, and a bevy of high-priced consultants said that Art Director is the best fit for you. How could we possibly be wrong?

DEM: BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT COME HERE TO READ DEMENTEE CUZ THEY LIKE DEMENTEE'S GRAPHIC LANGUAGE AND IMAGERY???????!!!!!!!!!

LF: They won't even notice you're gone.

DEM: SWEET!!!!!! ME GONNA WORK ON ME FIRST HEADER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

LF: Great! I love that enthusiasm!

BILL: What about The Head?

HOAG: meh.

LF: Sorry, Head, but we're gonna have to let you go. We've outsourced your job to Sisyphus.

HOAG: meh.

LF: Great! Glad to see there's no hard feelings. Well, everybody, that's it. I think we can look forward to years of success in our new roles, and with the help of highly-paid consultants who could never ever give bad advice. After all, what could possiblai go wrong?

LF: Er, "possibly" go wrong. That's the first time that anything has ever gone wrong...

UPDATE:

DEM: ME FINISHED WITH NEW HEADER BOSS!!!!!!!!!! WHATCHOO THINK????!!!!!!!

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