Monday, May 21, 2007

Memo to Brewers Fans: Stop Sucking

You people are really beginning to make me sick. For the first time in a decade and a half you've finally got a team that has a chance to make some noise, and you've all turned into a bunch of testicle-deficient weenies.

You know, if you look at the big sign in the Miller Park parking lot just off I-94, you'll note it says "Home of the Milwaukee Brewers." However, I am often confused while watching a game on TV (or hearing it on the radio) when the Crew plays the Cubs, Twins or Cardinals. Why do I always have to do a double-take every time Uke is forced to raise his voice to be heard over the crowd when Cubs first-baseman Derrick Lee jacks a dinger over Miller Park's right field wall. I have to reorient myself when I see half the crowd seated behind the plate standing up and cheering the other team's closer to throw the Deep Dark One on a 3-2 count with 2 out in the ninth?

It's because, I think, when they tore down County Stadium's left field bleachers your soul went with it. You all forgot how to be "fans".

Strib sportswriter Jim Souhan wrote about your complete and total failure as fans yesterday:

The Twins' annual visit to Miller Park is as charming a sporting event as there is involving a Twin Cities team -- a sneak preview (or review) of what outdoor baseball is like on a pleasant Midwestern evening, and a competition between two franchises fighting the same battle in the class warfare of Major League Baseball.

"In Chicago during interleague play, it's one team or the other," said Twins right fielder Michael Cuddyer. "That's not the way it is between these teams."

You know why that is? Because Chicago fans know how to make outsiders unwelcome. They do not brook dissent.

There's a reason why they call Wrigley Field the "Friendly Confines". It's because the stands there are filled with people actually rooting for the home-farging-team to win.

And do you know what those brie-eating Bud-light worshiping northside yuppies call Miller Park?

"Wrigley North".

More from Souhan:

Proximity is everything in a rivalry, and this has been a weekend around which Twin Cities baseball fans plan their springs. Even Carol Gardenhire, the manager's wife, drove over for the games.

"This is a nice place," Ron Gardenhire said. "This is a fun ballpark. A lot of Twins fans come over here. It kind of reminds you of Kansas City, because a lot of Twins fans come down there."

Oh fer cryin' out loud. You people had access to the wife of the opposing team's freaking manager, and she reports back that her sojourn to your park was a "nice place"????!!!!! No heckling. No "accidentally" spilled beers on her head. Not even an "I felt uncomfortable the entire time I was there."

You people make me sick.

Cubs and Twins fans attending a game at Miller Park (not to mention the opposing team's players) should never, ever look forward to next year's trip with fond memories of this year's. They should look upon it with dread, like they just returned from 'Nam or something. "It was a horrible place, with horrible people. I no longer fear hell, because I've already been there - a twisted and nightmarish beer-soaked hell! Mommy."

Back in the County Stadium days, several friends and I went to a game and sat in the storied left field bleachers. One of my friends - a guy whose judgment was not his strong suit - decided to wear his Chicago Bears jersey to the game. Needless to say, he was heckled mercilessly the entire game, and when we left, we were able to wring 3 or 4 full beers out of that jersey. During that same game the opposing team's left fielder - Luis Polonia - endured the unremitting chant "Jailbait...jaaaaailbait" the entire inning, every inning (context).

But now it's come to this. You folks are apparently so hospitable that interlopers are now planning family vacations to The Home of the Milwaukee Brewers. Great job, Milwaukee! I'm not sure if you've noticed the past three games, but the Brewers have a hard enough time not making the latest flavor-of-the-week-straight-up-from-Triple-A Twins starter look like Sandy Freaking Kofax. You think it helps them to be doing it at home in a hostile environment?

Sack up, Brewer Fan. Get off your collective ass, and buy up tickets for the 2008 "rivalry" games as soon as they become available. Until then, start being mean to out of towners.

There. I said it.

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