Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Big Scoop!

[When we last left off, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer (JTWS) was beginning his "mentorship" of former Strib reporter and MinnMon newbie Eric BLACK. We join their "mentoring" session, already in progress. Part 1 here; Part 2 here.]


JTWS: ...so when you get a quote from a wingnut -


[Phone rings]


JTWS: Oooooo! The tipline! This could be a big story! Let me take this. [Answers phone.] Minnesota Monitor. Deputy Assistant to the Associate Editor Jeffie speaking!


VOICE: HELLO!!!!!!! THIS REPRESENTATIVE MICHELE *snicker* BACHMANN!!!!!!!!!! ME GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!


JTWS: [Covers mothpiece with hand.] It's Michele Bachmann! I'll put this on the speakerphone so you can listen and learn. Please do keep quiet though. [Pushes speaker button and places handset in cradle.] What news do you have for us Madame Representative?


VOICE: YOU PUT ME ON SPEAKERPHONE???????!!!!!!! ME NO LIKE TALK ON SPEAKERPHONE!!!!!!!!


JTWS: Sorry, it's too tiring to take notes with one hand while holding the receiver with the other.


VOICE: OK!!!!!!! ME UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!


JTWS: I'm glad you do. Now tell me why you're calling me today. And don't worry - I always try to be fair when I write my stories.


VOICE: ME KNOW!!!!!! YOU GOT "CODE OF ETHIC" AFTER ALL!!!!!!!!!


JTWS: Hehdeedly!

VOICE: WHATEVER!!!!!! ME CALLING TO SAY *snicker* THAT ME GAY!!!!!!!!!


JTWS: ... [Half chewed Ding Dong falls out of suddenly slackened mouth.]


BLACK: [Whispering] Jeff, I don't think -


JTWS: Shut it! [Into phone] Go on.


VOICE: THAT NOT ALL!!!!!! ME SWITCHING PARTIES AND BECOMING MOONBAT!!!!!!!! *snicker* ME GONNA CAUCUS WITH *pfft* BARNEY FRANK!!!!!!!!!!


JTWS: [Looses a long-held burst of flatulence] Well, this is certainly surprising news. Can you tell me why you had this epiphany?

[BLACK tries to say something, but JTWS quickly stiffles BLACK's mouth with a Ding Dong.]


VOICE: ME ALWAYS LOVE WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! ME LIKE TO BE CARRESSED BY WOMAN!!!!!!!! ME ALWAYS WANTED TO WEAR BUZZ CUT TOO!!!! AND ME FIGURE IF ME GONNA BE LESBO, ME MAY AS WELL JOIN PARTY OF *snicker* LESBOS!!!!!


BLACK: [Spitting out Ding Dong] This isn't Michele Bachmann, Jeff!


VOICE: WHO SAY THAT?????!!!!!!!


JTWS: Nobody. Listen, Ms. Bachmann, can I call you back so we can finish this interview?


VOICE: SURE!!!!!!!!! ME NUMBER IS 952-867-5309!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


JTWS: Great! I'll get in touch with you soon!


VOICE: THAT BE GREAT YOU JACKASS!!!!!!


JTWS: What was that?


VOICE: NOTHING!!!!!!!


[Hangs up]


JTWS: Wow! This is a scoop!


BLACK: Um, that wasn't Michele Bachmann. In fact, that person didn't even try to sound female!


JTWS: Yeah but you heard her - she's a lesbian.


BLACK: [Shaking head] What the hell have I gotten myself into? Listen to me Jeff and listen good: That. Was. Not. Michele. Bachmann. It was a crank call. Real - er - reporters get them all the time.


JTWS: Why would a person open himself up to a libel suit and risk going to jail for life for a silly prank?


BLACK: [Dumbfounded] Um, that's not what libel is. And you can't go to jail for libel either.


JTWS: Yes you can.


BLACK: No, you can't.

JTWS: Yes you can.

BLACK: No, you can't.


JTWS: Yes you can.

BLACK: No, you can't.


JTWS: Yes you can.

BLACK: No, you can't.


JTWS: Yes you can.

BLACK: No, you can't.


JTWS: Listen, pal - I was briefly married to a lawyer. When it comes to the law, I am the world's foremost expert.

BLACK: ...

BLACK: I'm beginning to rethink that buyout.

To be continued...

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