Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Black in the Saddle - Episode IV: The Phantom Edit

The fourth installment in the never-ending fish-out-of-water tale of Eric Black, the newly hired Minnesota Monitor "New Journalist". When we last left off, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer (JTWS) had just gotten an enormous scoop while "mentoring" the "newbie" Eric BLACK. Despite BLACK's protestations that the "tip" was actually and obviously a crank call, JTWS begins furiously pounding out his story on his pink keyboard.

JTWS: *tappity* *tappity* *taptaptap* *tappity*...

BLACK: You're not seriously going to run with this, are you?

JTWS: Shut up, you!

BLACK: ...

JTWS; *tappity* *tap* *tappity* *tap* *tap* tap*...

BLACK: Have you ever read A Confederacy of Dunces?

JTWS: No. Why?

BLACK: If it weren't written 40 years ago, I'd swear it was a biography of - er, never mind.

JTWS: Whatevs. *tappity* *tap* *tap* *tappity*...

BLACK: Are you almost done?

JTWS: *tappity* *tap* *tap* *TAP* Yes! Done! Ha! Pwn3d! [Prints out his story and grabs the page off the printer]

JTWS: Here. Now, as a learning exercise, I'd like you to edit my work.

BLACK: Okey dokie. [Peruses the copy which reads as follows]

In one of the most stunning revelations of Michele Bachmann's short and heinous political career, the Congressperson from the 6th district has come out as a lesbian.

Representative Bachmann made the startling admission of her lesbianic tendencies in a phone call to the Minnesota Monitor today.

"ME ALWAYS LOVE WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! ME LIKE TO BE CARESSED BY WOMAN!!!!!!!! ME ALWAYS WANTED TO WEAR BUZZ CUT TOO!!!!" The congresswomyn from Stillwater told this reporter during a brief phone interview. And to add drama to the story, the gruff-sounding Bachmann also announced that she was switching parties.

"ME FIGURE IF ME GONNA BE LESBO, ME MAY AS WELL JOIN PARTY OF...LESBOS!!!!!"

This news will come as a shock to many of her wingnut political allies like Focus on the Family, who have built careers on killing gays and feeding on their entrails. Conversely, Ms. Bachmann's Road to Damascus moment is playing well in the gay community.

"This is massive news," proclaimed Noted Gay Person Andy Birkey, "No longer will she be a tool of the far far right wing hate mongers."

Congresswimin Bachmann was previously known for being trapped in a public restroom and pwn3d by a couple of little old nuns who made her cry like a little bitch.

BLACK: Do you have a pencil?

[JTWS hunts down a pen on his desk, buried under a pile of discarded Hoho wrappers, and hands it to BLACK]

BLACK: OK, so I'm supposed to edit this as I would for any other professional media news source?

JTWS: Yes indeedly doodly.

BLACK: Fine. [In a frenzy, marks up the copy beyond all recognition]. There, this is a story that is fit to print. I have deleted all the accounts from unreliable sources, redacted unconfirmed or uncorroborated facts and assertions, removed all the libelous statements, and cleaned up the language.

JTWS: Let me see that [Rips the copy out of BLACK's hand and reads it. JTWS's original copy now appears as follows:]


In one of the most stunning revelations of Michele Bachmann's short and heinous political career, the Congressperson from the 6th district has come out as a lesbian.

Representative Bachmann made the startling admission of her lesbianic tendencies in a phone call to the Minnesota Monitor earlier today.

"ME ALWAYS LOVE WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! ME LIKE TO BE CARRESSED BY WOMAN!!!!!!!! ME ALWAYS WANTED TO WEAR BUZZ CUT TOO!!!!" The congresswomyn from Stillwater told
this reporter during a brief phone interview. And to add drama to the story, the gruff-sounding Bachmann also announced that she was switching parties.

"ME FIGURE IF ME GONNA BE LESBO, ME MAY AS WELL JOIN PARTY OF...LESBOS!!!!!"

This news will come as a shock to many of her wingnut political allies like Focus on the Family, who have built careers on killing gays and feeding on their entrails. Conversely, Ms. Bachmann's Road to Damascus moment is playing well in the gay community.

"This is a massive story," proclaimed Noted Gay Person Andy Birkey, "No longer will she be a tool of the far far right wing hate mongers."

Congresswimin Bachmann was previously known for being trapped in a public restroom and pwn3d by a couple of little old nuns who made her cry like a little bitch.

JTWS: WTF??????

BLACK: Well, let's see. You published an interview given by someone who is decidedly not Michele Bachmann while attributing it to her. You consistently spell "woman" wrong -

JTWS: That's how it should be spelled - without the "man" part. Because a womin needs a "man" like a fish needs a bicycle! You must hate wimmin!

BLACK: [Ignoring JTWS's retarded ravings] ...And for whatever reason, you concluded your story with a completely unrelated factually ambiguous assertion that has nothing to do with either advancing the story, or providing any meaningful background. For reaction from the "other side," you quote a fellow, uh, "reporter." And not only that, you made up his quote -

JTWS: Well, that's what he would have -

BLACK: SHUT IT! Then you libeled anyone who belongs to Focus on the Family or anyone who is sympathetic to them by claiming as a matter of fact that they kill and cannibalize gay people!

JTWS: [Puzzled] They don't?

BLACK: NO, THEY MOST CERTAINLY DON'T, YOU BIG BLOATED JACKASS!!!!!!!! YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!

[Exit BLACK, running]

JTWS: ...

[Picks up phone. Dials.]

JTWS: Hello, Robin? Yeah. Um...I don't think the new guy is going to work out...

No comments: