Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Do Anarchists Dream of Feral Sheep?

Via the F-Dogs, the anarchists planning to embarrass themselves at the 2008 RNC in St. Paul have issued a press release! It's notable for two things: the parts that are funny are unintentionally so, and the parts that (I think) are meant to be witty are unintentionally sad. Let's take a look:

MN — Local anarchists and anti-authoritarians are getting ready to spring from Internet promises to real-world action; the Twin Cities based “RNC Welcoming Committee” is making early plans for the 2008 Republican National Convention to be held in St. Paul. --- A year in advance of the planned Republican dog-and-pony show, the radically minded RNC resistance group is announcing a 2007 Labor Day weekend gathering in the Twin Cities. Wittily dubbed “the pReNC,”

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Oh, those wacky anarchists! So surly and "witty".

FWIW, we here at KAR have wittily dubbed the RNC Welcoming Committee as "Dementee's Big All-You-Can-Eat Buffet." Anarchists: The Other Other Other White Meat. (And I do mean white.)

the event is to feature educational workshops and a prospective strategizing session. --- Contrary to rumors, local anarchists, who do actually exist, are planning the event.

Well, duh. Those large papier mache puppets don't just make themselves.

Unlike local authorities and law enforcement, Twin Cities anarchists are organizing from the grassroots will not be relying on national bodies to oversee their plans.

Of course not. What kind of anarchist worth his purple hair dye would allow himself to be overseen by a national body?

“Web chatter vows GOP convention protests”- an article in the so-called Star Tribune,

The "so-called" Star Tribune? Does this mean that the Strib has some sort of super-secret name that only a select few in the Shadow Government and among the Corporate Fascists know about?

That's creepy. I wonder what its real name is?

a newspaper

Aha! It's a newspaper! Though, I know of many who might refer to it as a "so-called" newspaper...

quoted federal authorities and local law enforcement, and gives a glimpse of their plans.

Ooooo! Evil, nefarious plans! Do tell...

Secret Service spokesman Darrin Blackford has stated that anything being perceived as a threat will be thoroughly investigated, and St. Paul police spokesman Tom Walsh said authorities are not relying solely on internet postings for these investigations.

Oh.

They're going to protect the public. Like they're supposed to do.

That was a letdown.

Already, Dave Titus, self-proclaimed president of the St. Paul police union,

"Self-proclaimed" president of the police union. Did he take over the position by violent insurrection?

has used the controversy of internet promises to make sure that police have “all the resources [they] need” (Read: shiny, new, less-lethal weaponry).

I hope it hurts.

The RNC Welcoming Committee is seeking the opening of negotiations with federal agents and local law enforcement.

They'll be so relieved...

The group proposes an Arms Reduction Treaty with federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies, in which the group will not bring armaments of a greater destructive capacity than the ones brought by law enforcement. Spokesperson for the clearinghouse group, Robyn B.

I have a question: how does one become appointed (or "self-proclaimed") spokesperson for a group of anarchists? I mean, according to the dictionary, an anarchist is "a person who rebels against any authority, established order, or ruling power."

ANARCHIST #1: I'm the spokesperson for the group.

ANARCHIST #2: No - I'm the spokesperson!

ANARCHIST #1: Hey - you got to be spokesperson last week! It's my turn now!

ANARCHIST #2: Sorry, pal. Having "turns" suggests an established order.

ANARCHIST #1: Fine, then I'll just beat you with my baseball bat until you submit.

ANARCHIST #1: ...

ANARCHIST #1: OK - WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS STOLE MY BAT!

Anyway, the so-called Robyn B., self-proclaimed spokester for whoever the hell these vermin are says:

“We will agree to not bring our UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter with a single rotor Sikorsky S-70 and twin-General Electric T700-GE-701 free-turbine turboshaft engines, if law enforcement agree not to bring theirs.”

LEARNEDFOOT'S RULES OF NEGOTIATION

1) Always negotiate from a position of strength.

2) Establish your strong position early in the negotiation.

3) Insinuating you have resources which you obviously do not indicates that you have no position of strength. You're just a little twit with mommy issues looking for attention.

Lastly, in light of the Host Committee’s goal of raising $59 million for the Republican National Convention, the RNC Welcoming Committee has extended an offer. For a mere $5.9 million, anarchists are willing to call off all plans to protest the GOP convention from September 1st through September 4th of 2008.

I've got a dollar right here. Why don't you come over here and get it.

[The so-called, self-proclaimed] Robyn B. noted that the so-called Host Committee is struggling to meet their fundraising goals, and that “the Welcoming Committee’s offer may well be one that they cannot afford to refuse.”

OK. I give up. what's the Host Committee really called?

Don't leave me hangin', bitch.

At this time, the RNC Welcoming Committee is not releasing any other details of their plans.

Da' bitch done left me hangin'!

[The so-called, self-proclaimed] Robyn B. said, “We aren’t saying anything,”... possibly a reference to Chuck Samuelson, executive director of the Minnesota American Civil Liberties Union, who had earlier stated, “Frankly, the ones to worry about are the ones that aren’t saying anything."

"Possibly referring"? I think that's the first time I've ever seen anyone unsure about what their own utterance meant...

RNC Welcoming Committee rnc08@riseup.net www.nornc.org

Drop 'em a line and tell them a) you live in the Twin cities; and b) how many guns you own.

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